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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,938 --> 00:00:07,272
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,274 --> 00:00:10,809
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,812
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:17,316
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:17,318 --> 00:00:20,619
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,187
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:23,522
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:33,968 --> 00:00:35,868
TV ANNOUNCER:
It's that time of year again.
11
00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:38,137
Are you a New England dirtbag
who wants to run with bulls,
12
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:40,506
but thinks Spain is gay?
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00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:42,641
Then don't miss
the Seriously Wicked Bull Run
14
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,510
in South Attleboro, Mass!
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00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:47,012
You and your friends can run
from a bunch of live bulls,
16
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:49,848
and lots of times, there's
a chick whose boob comes out!
17
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,750
Order your tickets
before it's too late!
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00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,653
(bull bellows)
19
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:55,988
Toilets limited.
20
00:00:55,990 --> 00:00:57,556
Wow, that seems
pretty cool.
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00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,857
(groans)
I don't know.
22
00:00:58,859 --> 00:00:59,992
Seems pretty lame to me.
23
00:00:59,994 --> 00:01:01,060
Yeah, waste of time.
24
00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:02,194
I agree.
25
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,529
Hey, Joe,
isn't this your round?
26
00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:05,064
Sure, I'll wheel
over to the bar
27
00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:07,833
and bring back your beers
one-by-one in my lap.
28
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:10,169
You guys, we are
so doing that bull run!
29
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:11,670
Buying the tickets as we speak!
30
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,005
But we can't tell Joe.
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00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:14,673
Of course not,
he'll be dead weight.
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00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,742
You can't do a bull run
with a guy in a wheelchair.
33
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:19,244
Yeah, this is for athletes.
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00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:26,885
Just the regular wash, please.
35
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:29,922
And, uh, I'm supposed to mention
that I saw you on LivingSocial?
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00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,090
Was that worth it?
37
00:01:31,092 --> 00:01:33,192
Was that worth the
one dollar you saved?
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00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:35,594
I'm sorry, we're not doing
that promotion anymore.
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00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:36,695
Oh-ho!
40
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:40,099
All the humiliation,
none of the reward.
41
00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:46,538
You know, some people are okay
with the drive-through car wash.
42
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,907
Me, I'm a fan of the hand job.
43
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:50,075
Hi, I'm Brian.
44
00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:51,743
Yes, I like to have fun
with language.
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00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,745
(laughs)
You're so funny.
46
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,047
I'm Tori.
47
00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:56,415
I got hit by a car
in high school,
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00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:57,783
so I don't have to work.
49
00:01:57,785 --> 00:02:00,085
Cool. Hey, so what's
your afternoon like?
50
00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:01,386
I don't have plans.
51
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:04,123
Maybe we could grab lunch
and then see what happens.
52
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,291
(groans)
This will not end well.
53
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,293
Like eating an artichoke.
54
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:09,595
Good Lord!
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00:02:09,597 --> 00:02:12,831
I ate nothing and I'm
soaking wet for some reason.
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00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,437
So, you guys all pumped
to run with the bulls?
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00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,439
You bet, this is gonna be
my first exercise
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00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,441
since I chased that balloon.
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00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:23,642
Hey, what's going on?
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00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:24,810
Hey, Joe.
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00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,945
We are competing...
62
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:30,482
in the international Chef
Boyardee look-alike contest.
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00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,484
Oh, well,
where's your chef hat?
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00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,919
You guys are gonna lose.
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00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,320
Especially Cleveland.
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00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:36,788
He's in the Cream of Wheat
competition,
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00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,257
which is down the street.
68
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:39,825
We-we got to go now.
We're very late.
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00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:42,161
Well, this is funny, because...
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00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:43,829
guess where I'm going.
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00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,297
And I got the hat.
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00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:46,665
You guys are dead!
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00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,667
(sighs)
Look, Joe.
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00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,602
We didn't want to tell
you, but we're going
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00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,271
to the Seriously
Wicked Bull Run.
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00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:55,140
We didn't invite you because we
didn't think you could keep up.
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00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:58,010
Yeah, we thought it seemed
too dangerous for, uh,
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00:02:58,012 --> 00:03:01,647
incapacitated, half-man,
shrivel-legged gimps.
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00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,515
And we didn't want
to hurt your feelings.
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00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,951
Come on, my handicap
has never held me back.
81
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,486
I'm coming with you guys.
82
00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:09,955
Joe, you peed in your bag
while you said that.
83
00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:12,157
Can you honestly say
that you didn't pee
84
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:14,993
just now while you
were talking?
85
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:17,229
Okay, you can come.
86
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:23,969
Wow, that was amazing.
87
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,137
Hey, uh, uh,
just to be clear,
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00:03:25,139 --> 00:03:26,705
I don't really
think you're a whore.
89
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:29,841
I-I just need to say that
to, you know, to finish.
90
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,843
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, of course.
91
00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,046
And obviously, I don't think
you're my Uncle Dale.
92
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,314
Good, good, same page.
93
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:36,481
(car engine humming outside)
94
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:38,350
Oh, crap,
my husband's home early.
95
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:39,651
Wait a minute,
you're married?!
96
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:40,819
And he's here?
Now?!
97
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:41,887
(car door closes)
98
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:42,988
Yeah, that's him.
99
00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,323
You've got to get out of here.
100
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:45,691
He's really jealous.
101
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,392
I think he's bitter
because he never got
102
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,229
the credit he deserved
for killing Osama bin Laden.
103
00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:52,097
Your husband's a Navy SEAL?!
104
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:55,567
What the hell
is going on here?!
105
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,969
What is this?
106
00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,405
Ruff!
107
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,407
You got a dog?
108
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:03,842
Uh... yeah!
109
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,078
I rescued him
from the pound.
110
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,879
(barking)
111
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:09,681
Well, hey there, buddy.
112
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,416
Wow, his nose is super wet!
113
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,918
He must be healthy.
114
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,854
Uh, and somebody's been
rooting in a sardine can.
115
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,923
Well, I'm gonna
grab a shower.
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00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:20,025
Great, honey.
117
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,927
Oh. Oh, my God,
that was close.
118
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,895
Yeah, but think about it.
119
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,897
As long as he thinks
you're our new pet,
120
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:28,100
we can keep fooling
around behind his back.
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00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,235
Huh, you're right.
122
00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:31,937
Wow, this could be
an even better scam
123
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,506
than that claw machine
at the arcade.
124
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,376
Damn it, this game is so stupid!
125
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:40,746
It's impossible to do anything
with a dumb, crappy claw!
126
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,081
Hey, that's mean,
and it's not even true!
127
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,916
I'm leaving!
128
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:46,985
Dang it!
129
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,090
You need a little help?
130
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,159
No!
131
00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:59,164
If you could angle up the ring,
then I could kind of hook it.
132
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:04,736
How do you drive?
133
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,471
Bad!
134
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,540
(crowd clamoring)
135
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:13,011
(snorting, bellows)
136
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,284
We clearly overdressed.
137
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:21,320
They have the type
of fat white woman here
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00:05:21,322 --> 00:05:23,989
that not even
I am interested in.
139
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,157
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies, gentlemen,
140
00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:26,992
and alternative high school
graduates,
141
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,294
get ready to run for your lives!
142
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,495
(beeping)
143
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:33,465
(air horn blares)
144
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:34,866
(crowd clamoring)
145
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,171
Aah! I shouldn't
have worn high heels!
146
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,639
Oh, stop it!
You look great.
147
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:43,575
Oh, well, I didn't want
all this attention.
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00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,178
CLEVELAND:
Cleveland, why do you let them
149
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:47,779
talk you into these things?
150
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:50,349
This is howpeople pleasers die!
151
00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:52,184
Hey, guys, after this,
let's beat alligators
152
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:53,352
with sticks or something.
153
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:54,786
You read my mind!
154
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:57,055
We just talked about this!
155
00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,459
(whoops)
This is amazing!
156
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,594
I told you guys I could do it!
157
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:24,716
Look... out...
158
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:28,120
Joe...!
159
00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:37,963
(wheels screeching)
160
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,734
(distorted screaming)
161
00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:01,653
(grunting)
162
00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:05,123
(screaming)
163
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,895
Joe, oh, my God!
164
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,363
You all right?!
165
00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:13,865
I can't feel anything
below my neck!
166
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,101
I can't move a muscle, guys!
167
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,269
Oh, my God!
168
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:19,771
Joe's completely
paralyzed!
169
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,606
("Walk Like a Man"
by the Four Seasons playing)
170
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:22,707
Oop, that's me.
171
00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:23,942
That's unfortunate.
172
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,377
That's Lois, hold on.
173
00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:26,578
Hey, babe.
174
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:27,612
Uh, good.
175
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:28,947
Little hiccup, but fun.
176
00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,725
You guys!
177
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:43,094
I've been trying to keep
my birthday a secret.
178
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:45,464
No, Dr. Hartman, we're not
here for your birthday.
179
00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:46,631
We're here for Joe.
180
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:47,799
Don't sugarcoat it, Doc.
181
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,301
Just give it to me straight.
182
00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:51,570
Well, Mr. Swanson, I did
an exploratory procedure,
183
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:53,738
which revealed extensive damage.
184
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,808
Please, just tell me--
am I completely paralyzed?
185
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:57,943
I'm afraid...
186
00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,444
of ghosts.
187
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:00,645
And yes.
188
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:01,947
Mr. Swanson has
lost all movement,
189
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,982
and will require
around-the-clock care.
190
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,817
Most of it disgusting.
191
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,320
Oh, my God, Bonnie,
I'm so sorry.
192
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,955
If there's anything
I can do...
193
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:11,323
There actually is.
194
00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,458
Could you collect
my mail forever?
195
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,594
I'm leaving Joe
and moving to Europe.
196
00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:17,662
I didn't sign up for this.
197
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,798
Bonnie, wait!
God, this is awful.
198
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,666
What am I gonna do?
199
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,835
Well, seems like you folks
have this all taken care of.
200
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:24,836
(door opens)
201
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:25,837
PEOPLE:
Surprise!
202
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,106
HARTMAN:
Oh, you guys!
203
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,608
Hey, don't go in
that room back there.
204
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,843
It's, like,
super sad.
205
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:39,818
Coming up, quintuplets
born at Quahog General.
206
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,686
What?
That's...
207
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,288
Oh, that's supposed
to be "burn"?
208
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:47,259
Oh, coming up, quintuplets
burn at Quahog General.
209
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:51,029
Hey, honey, get in here.
210
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,365
Check this out--
the way he's sitting,
211
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,634
it looks like the dog's
watching the news.
212
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,303
You like watching the
news, you dumb dog?
213
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:01,206
Well, I'm off to do what
former Navy SEALs do--
214
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,808
sell lawn mowers.
215
00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:05,810
Wow, he really
has no idea.
216
00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:08,046
Hey, want to take
a shower with me?
217
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,714
Sure.
218
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,316
Man, this is a pretty sweet gig.
219
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:13,652
Like being a member
of Daft Punk.
220
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,820
(French accent):
Look at this old Casio keyboard
221
00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:18,056
from the 1980s
that I have found.
222
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,659
Watch what happens
when I push this demo button.
223
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:24,062
♪ ♪
224
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,664
Hello, Daft Punk?
225
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,732
Great song.
Here's a Grammy.
226
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,200
Oh-ho-ho!
227
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,402
(French accent):
You know, is funny.
228
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:33,438
Until you spoke, I did
not know we were French!
229
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,210
There you go, Joe.
All settled.
230
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,079
Now, which wall
would you like to look at
231
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,213
for the rest of your life?
232
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,516
I don't know,
maybe that one.
233
00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:46,585
I-I have no idea
what you're pointing at, Joe.
234
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:47,886
You got to meet us halfway.
235
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:49,854
Look, guys, I don't want
to be a burden to anyone.
236
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:51,756
You go ahead
and live your lives.
237
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,224
I'll be fine.
238
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:54,859
We can't just
leave you, Joe.
239
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:57,696
So before we go, I'm gonna
put the remote in your mouth.
240
00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:59,764
Here's a can of chili.
241
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,934
And the opener we'll put...
in your mouth.
242
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,936
And here's a magazine I thought
you might like to read.
243
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,571
I'm gonna put it
in your mouth.
244
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:07,872
(grunts)
245
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:09,874
(muffled):
You're a good friend, Peter.
246
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,710
Joe, I just wish
we could do more,
247
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,212
but obviously your
mouth is full.
248
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:16,081
And you probably don't want
any reminders of Bonnie
249
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,617
around the house, so I cleared
out all of her underwear.
250
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,418
Okay, don't be a stranger.
251
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,621
Yeah, 'cause we're not
supposed to talk to those.
252
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:25,890
I don't know, I'm not sure
I feel right about leaving Joe.
253
00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:28,960
Doesn't seem like he's gonna be
able to take care of himself.
254
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,962
Yeah, we're-we're kind
of all he has now.
255
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,063
What-- Joe?
256
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,131
What're you talking about?
257
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,567
He's fine.
258
00:10:35,569 --> 00:10:38,136
Look, he's already watching
The Price Is Right in there.
259
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,572
Oop, he's biting
too hard on the volume.
260
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:42,641
(The Price Is Right
theme song playing)
261
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:47,245
Okay, you can play over there
in the sandbox, honey.
262
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,481
Mommy's just gonna
read her book.
263
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:51,416
Okay, I'm just gonna
walk 30 feet away,
264
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,952
and then panic
because I can't see you.
265
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,920
Can you fit me in
at 10:00 tomorrow?
266
00:10:55,922 --> 00:10:57,656
It's getting a little
long on the sides.
267
00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,791
Brian? What are you
doing on a leash?
268
00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:01,159
And who's that?
269
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,327
(shushes)
Be cool.
270
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,762
This is the guy whose
wife I'm banging.
271
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,497
Oh, what a romantic way
to put it.
272
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:06,631
Yeah, it's great.
273
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:07,999
I just pretend
to be their dog,
274
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,668
and then when he leaves
for work,
275
00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:13,171
I get to go to the pound,
if you know what I mean.
276
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,806
God, Brian,
you are such a scumbag.
277
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:16,174
I can't believe you--
278
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,276
Mommy! Mommy!
Where's my mommy?!
279
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,011
I have no one and nothing!
280
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,513
LOIS:
I'm right here, honey.
281
00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:22,847
Oh, thank God.
282
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,684
She's such a gross hog.
283
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,356
Joe, you can't
just sit here.
284
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,124
You need intellectual
stimulation.
285
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,126
So I brought something
to read to you.
286
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:38,029
It's the word search
from the Sunday Circular.
287
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,531
"Kangaroo."
288
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,966
Let's see if we
can find that one.
289
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:43,201
"Outback."
290
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,136
I think it's an
Australian theme.
291
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:46,371
"Koala."
292
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,972
It definitely is.
293
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:49,507
Can't make out this one.
294
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:51,710
"Abor... Aborgine...
295
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,211
Aborgina"?
296
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,346
That's what they call
eggplant down there.
297
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:56,981
You know what?
Forget this.
298
00:11:56,983 --> 00:11:59,150
I'll just read
to you from Jet.
299
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,386
Look, this whole page is
all the Wayans brothers
300
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,388
sitting in different
positions.
301
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,990
How you suppose they come up
with all them positions?
302
00:12:05,992 --> 00:12:07,559
You could give me
a million years.
303
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:09,561
I just ain't
wired that way.
304
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:10,862
Marlon's like
a rubber man.
305
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:12,497
He can sit in
any kind of way.
306
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:15,233
Here's Keenan telling the
younger ones how to sit.
307
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,568
(scoffs) Like they
gonna listen.
308
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:18,069
Damon's doing
his own thing.
309
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,237
No surprise there.
310
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,505
That's Damon.
311
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,006
You enjoying
all this, Joe?
312
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:23,842
I'm honestly
just glad it seems
313
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:25,977
like you have
something you like.
314
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,517
Hey, my laptop's
out of battery.
315
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:33,885
You want to have sex?
316
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:36,821
Sure, I've almost finished
my sandwich, anyway.
317
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:41,025
Oh, come on, I don't want
to have to watch this.
318
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,594
VIC:
Yeah, that's right.
319
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:45,864
I was the only one
who didn't get to meet Biden.
320
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,098
(groans)
You know what?
321
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,467
Screw this.
I'm out of here.
322
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:55,106
Ha! Skewered.
323
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,775
VIC:
Hey!
324
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:57,942
Where do you think you're going?
325
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,077
You're my dog.
326
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:00,879
You're not going anywhere.
327
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,113
Besides, I need you, boy.
328
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,915
Now more than ever.
329
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:06,451
I think my wife
is cheating on me.
330
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,220
Hey, Tori, it's Brian.
331
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:10,889
I'm getting
the Chinese food for us.
332
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:13,424
I think I'm gonna order
some Me Like Bang Ho.
333
00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:15,794
(laughs)
That's-that's not a real thing,
334
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,262
I'm talking about sex.
335
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,397
All right,
I'll be there in five.
336
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,399
Man, when I find
that son of a bitch,
337
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:23,701
I'm gonna rip
his head off.
338
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,805
God, what a nightmare.
339
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:29,808
That guy's even scarier
than a thesaurus-asaurus.
340
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:32,577
Tread, stomp, trudge.
341
00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:35,079
Growl, roar, ululate.
342
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:37,448
Antonym-- whisper.
343
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,616
What's wrong with him?
344
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,651
He's on the spectrum.
345
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:40,785
"Spectrum"?
346
00:13:40,787 --> 00:13:42,153
In my day we'd
throw him in the army
347
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,189
and have him
play the bugle.
348
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:49,994
Peter, this just isn't working.
349
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:51,930
We can't take
proper care of Joe.
350
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:53,331
It's a huge amount of work
351
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,499
and we don't have
any idea what we're doing.
352
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:55,667
Quagmire's right.
353
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:56,835
It's too much.
354
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:58,169
I just think he'd
be better off
355
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:01,172
under the care of grumpy,
Filipino nurses.
356
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,941
Yeah, that's why
I looked into it,
357
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,342
and we've reserved
a place for him
358
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:07,111
at the State Home for
Mentals and Bastards.
359
00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:10,949
Oh, my God, sometimes
they whip them with hoses...
360
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:13,585
outside?!
This is perfect!
361
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,962
Hi, I work here.
362
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,364
I don't think
this guy works here.
363
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:27,498
Hi, can I help you?
364
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,200
Yeah, this is Joe Swanson.
365
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,536
We arranged for a 9:15 dump-off?
366
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,137
Go on, guys, get out of here.
367
00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:34,706
I'll be fine.
368
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,707
Bye, Joe.
369
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:36,708
Take care, man.
370
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,776
See ya, Joe.
371
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,980
Hold on, guys.
372
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:45,049
There's one last thing
I got to say to my friend.
373
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,719
Hey, Joe, you know
that movie you told me to watch
374
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,821
that you said was
your favorite movie of all time,
375
00:14:49,823 --> 00:14:50,989
and you said
I had to watch it?
376
00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:52,891
Backdraft-- you
finally watched it?
377
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:54,325
Yeah.
Wasn't it great?
378
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:55,493
I thought it was stupid.
379
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:56,794
Take care, Joe.
380
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:07,171
You know, tha-that state home we
left Joe in didn't seem so bad.
381
00:15:07,173 --> 00:15:08,339
Yeah, it's got
to be good.
382
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,208
I mean, Napoleon Bonaparte
was there.
383
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:12,243
Would the French people
let their boss walk around
384
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,912
in stained underwear,
trying to stab people
385
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,747
if the place wasn't nice?
386
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,215
Yeah, no, no,
y-you're right, you're right.
387
00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:18,516
Joe will get
much better care there.
388
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,251
I still feel bad.
389
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,053
Come on, you guys.
Joe's gonna be fine.
390
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:23,254
He'll fit in great there.
391
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,423
Not like
when I went to Hogwarts.
392
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,659
Slytherin.
393
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:31,429
Hufflepuff.
394
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:36,100
Housing for registered
sex offenders!
395
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,336
Aw.
396
00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:46,444
Oh, Tori, thank God.
397
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:47,578
Listen, you got
to unchain me.
398
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:48,780
Look what Vic did.
399
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:49,881
Tell me about it.
400
00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:51,449
He's lost his mind.
401
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,551
That's why I'm gonna go stay
with my mother in Baltimore
402
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:55,086
and work at her wife's bar.
403
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:56,554
Wait, what?!
404
00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:57,789
Tori, come back!
405
00:15:57,791 --> 00:15:58,890
Damn it!
406
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,458
Wow, shocker.
407
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,894
Your gross hookup
from the car wash ended poorly?
408
00:16:02,896 --> 00:16:03,928
Stewie, thank God!
409
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,063
How'd you find me?
410
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:06,564
Well, you remember
when the vet knocked you out
411
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,132
to take out that rotten tooth?
412
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,934
He also put a tracking chip
in your neck.
413
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:12,236
What?! That's a total
violation of my rights!
414
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:14,572
Heh, I like how you're
chained up in a yard
415
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:16,307
and still trying
to pretend you're a guy.
416
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,976
Look, you got to help me.
417
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,944
Her husband's a maniac and the
only reason he hasn't killed me
418
00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:21,612
is because he thinks
I'm just his pet dog.
419
00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:23,915
Hmm, he's got
a padlock on here.
420
00:16:23,917 --> 00:16:25,583
But don't worry,
I'll figure something out.
421
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:28,319
Well, hurry, 'cause I'm trapped
like a baseball announcer.
422
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,088
ANNOUNCER:
And the count is two and two.
423
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,490
Garcia steps
off the mound again,
424
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,292
virtually guaranteeing
that my wife
425
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:36,094
will be asleep when I get home.
426
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:38,596
The big right-hander kicks
a little dirt and tosses
427
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:41,132
the rosin bag as my children
grow up without me.
428
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:43,434
Okay, and now a fan in the
stands is giving me the finger.
429
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:44,669
I agree.
430
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,004
Hey, I don't know
if you can hear it,
431
00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:48,873
but I'm peeing
in my coffee cup right now.
432
00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:54,012
There you are.
433
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:55,480
Where the hell have you been?
434
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:58,116
I got arrested for huckin'
a TV/VCR combo off the dam.
435
00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,018
Off the damn what?
436
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:01,452
Off the damn overpass.
437
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:03,121
(laughs):
Oh...
438
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,155
God, I love you, Lois.
439
00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:05,623
That was like great sex.
440
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,325
But seriously,
it-it was bad.
441
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:08,459
It hit a school bus.
442
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:09,694
Oh, my God!
443
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,329
Well-well, can you
go talk to Joe?
444
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,865
Maybe he can put in a word for
you down at the police station.
445
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,834
Yeah, yeah, Joe, yeah, may--
yeah, maybe, maybe.
446
00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:18,870
Do you, uh, you-you
want a back rub?
447
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:20,838
Peter, what's going on?
448
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,306
Uh, what do you mean?
449
00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:23,875
Whenever you offer
me a back rub,
450
00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,810
it means you're
hiding something.
451
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,979
(gunfire)
452
00:17:27,981 --> 00:17:30,048
(chickens clucking)
453
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,385
You, hey, you-you
want a back rub?
454
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:37,221
We may or may not
have put Joe
455
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,390
in a smelly home
for the goofy.
456
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:42,160
What?! Peter, those places
are a horror show!
457
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,327
Joe's your friend!
458
00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:44,896
How could you treat
him like that?
459
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:46,831
We just couldn't handle him
being fully paralyzed.
460
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:48,399
We didn't know what else to do.
461
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:49,734
But you're right.
462
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,235
We got to get him out of there.
463
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:52,904
You most certainly do.
464
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:55,039
All right, how about
that back rub now?
465
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:57,475
What are you, nuts?
466
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:03,581
What the hell do you want?
467
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:04,882
Oh, hello, sir.
468
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:06,551
I'm afraid there's
been a mistake.
469
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:10,254
I believe you found our dog,
and we need to take him home.
470
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,722
No way!
Get lost, kid.
471
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:13,357
He's my dog now.
472
00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:15,526
Well, we figured
you'd say no to us,
473
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:18,196
but not to Vice President
Joe Biden!
474
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:19,730
Oh, my God!
475
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:21,032
Mr. Vice President!
476
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:22,700
First, I want
to thank you, Vic,
477
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:25,603
for shooting the guy
we said was Osama bin Laden.
478
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,439
Second, give these kids
their dog back.
479
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,209
Of course, sir,
I'm so sorry!
480
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,610
Here, take him!
481
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:33,945
Thank you.
482
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,880
You're a great American.
483
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:37,281
Thanks, Mr. Biden!
484
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:38,549
No problem.
485
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,218
Hey, you guys watch Veep?
486
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,219
No.
487
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,720
Yeah, it's all fake.
488
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,522
Yeah, we said no.
489
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,395
Hi, uh, we're here
to pick up Joe Swanson.
490
00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:52,630
Are you from the news?
491
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,298
You have to tell us
if you're from the news.
492
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,067
No, we're his friends.
493
00:18:56,069 --> 00:18:57,301
What are you guys
doing here?
494
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:58,636
We came to bring
you home, Joe.
495
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,239
We're all really sorry
we abandoned you.
496
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:04,142
Yeah, we just kind of got
overwhelmed and all freaked out.
497
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:05,943
But we're your
friends, Joe.
498
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:08,246
And we'll always be there
for you no matter what.
499
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:09,780
Thanks, guys.
500
00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:12,483
I'd say let's get my stuff,
but it's all been stolen.
501
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:13,484
That's okay.
502
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,286
Come on, let's go home.
503
00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:16,754
Sorry, no one
gets out of here
504
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,456
without a release
from their doctor.
505
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:21,659
All right, we'll just
call him right now.
506
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,728
(phone ringing)
507
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:27,532
What's that ringing?
508
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:33,638
Joe, that ringing--
it's coming from your back!
509
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:34,772
It is?
510
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,174
Holy crap!
511
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:38,309
Dr. Hartman must have
dropped his phone in Joe
512
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:39,777
when he was looking
at his spine!
513
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:40,845
Oh, thank God.
514
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:42,780
I've been hearing
that ringing all week.
515
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,282
I just thought
I was losing my mind
516
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,684
from lunatics
screaming in my face.
517
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,819
Your mother's a whore!
518
00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:52,256
I told you that
in confidence, Gary.
519
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,296
Ah, it's so great
to have you back, Joe.
520
00:19:58,298 --> 00:19:59,830
You seem good as new.
521
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,799
Yeah, it turns out Dr.
Hartman's cell phone
522
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,701
was pressing on
my spinal cord,
523
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,370
and that's what was causing
my total paralysis.
524
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:08,539
Yeah, sorry we dropped
the ball for a while,
525
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,142
which is the way we agreed we'd
describe what we did to you,
526
00:20:11,144 --> 00:20:12,877
which hopefully
makes it seem less heinous.
527
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,312
It's all right, guys.
528
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:16,047
I'm just glad to be
back on my feet.
529
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:18,816
Well, you know
what I mean.
530
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:21,485
(laughter)
531
00:20:21,487 --> 00:20:24,322
PETER:
I never saw muchof Joe after that.
532
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:25,990
And while he's been gonefor many years,
533
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,892
I've never forgotten his face
534
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,428
or his laughter.
535
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,731
Come on, are we
going to the beach?
536
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,366
We've been waiting forever.
537
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:36,901
Yeah, be right there,
champ.
538
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:39,337
He said that the first
two times we asked.
539
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:43,941
I know, he spaces out
when he's at the computer.
540
00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:53,584
These aren't my kids.
541
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,186
And also, this isn'tplay wrestling.
542
00:20:55,188 --> 00:20:57,255
We're actually fighting.35955
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