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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,032 --> 00:00:07,301
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,335 --> 00:00:10,871
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,905 --> 00:00:13,874
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,908 --> 00:00:17,344
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,378 --> 00:00:20,647
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,682 --> 00:00:22,216
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,250 --> 00:00:23,584
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:23,618 --> 00:00:24,634
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:24,635 --> 00:00:28,635
♪ Family Guy 14x03 ♪
Guy Robot
Original Air Date on October 11, 2015
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00:00:28,636 --> 00:00:33,636
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:33,661 --> 00:00:35,095
We now return to
13
00:00:35,129 --> 00:00:36,563
Stand-Up Specialsfrom Comedians
14
00:00:36,598 --> 00:00:37,731
You've Been Told to Like.
15
00:00:37,765 --> 00:00:40,367
Please welcome Aziz Ansari!
16
00:00:40,401 --> 00:00:41,502
What's up, y'all?
17
00:00:41,536 --> 00:00:44,271
Sometimes I start a sentence
really soft
18
00:00:44,305 --> 00:00:47,207
and then get loud!
19
00:00:47,242 --> 00:00:48,876
He's hilarious
20
00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:50,410
'cause I saw him
in a other show.
21
00:00:50,445 --> 00:00:51,612
What are you
talking about?
22
00:00:51,646 --> 00:00:52,813
How is that funny?
23
00:00:52,847 --> 00:00:54,014
He didn't even
tell any jokes.
24
00:00:54,048 --> 00:00:55,516
Uh, if he didn't tell jokes,
25
00:00:55,550 --> 00:00:57,017
why was he laughing?
26
00:00:57,051 --> 00:00:59,419
Well, that's about as much HBO
as we're gonna get
27
00:00:59,454 --> 00:01:00,921
before they play
something homosexual.
28
00:01:00,955 --> 00:01:02,623
Come on, Chris.
29
00:01:02,657 --> 00:01:04,992
God, that's what passes
for comedy these days?
30
00:01:05,026 --> 00:01:07,394
What ever happened to
our venerated humorists?
31
00:01:07,428 --> 00:01:08,395
Here we go.
32
00:01:08,429 --> 00:01:10,063
Samuel Clemens,
Mark Twain.
33
00:01:10,098 --> 00:01:11,064
Same guy.
34
00:01:11,099 --> 00:01:12,332
Huck Finn.
Not a guy.
35
00:01:12,367 --> 00:01:14,568
Look, the point is,
I could do stand-up comedy.
36
00:01:14,602 --> 00:01:16,270
All I'd need is a newspaper
37
00:01:16,304 --> 00:01:18,972
and this twisted mind.
38
00:01:19,007 --> 00:01:21,475
Why waste your time
with stand-up, grandpa?
39
00:01:21,509 --> 00:01:23,610
All the best comedy
is on Twitter now.
40
00:01:23,645 --> 00:01:24,645
Really?
Yeah.
41
00:01:24,679 --> 00:01:26,847
Stand-up is so
20 years ago.
42
00:01:26,881 --> 00:01:28,181
Twitter's only
three years ago.
43
00:01:28,216 --> 00:01:29,316
Check mine out.
44
00:01:29,350 --> 00:01:31,718
I've got 10,000
followers.
45
00:01:31,753 --> 00:01:33,353
"I feel like we
should wait to hear
46
00:01:33,388 --> 00:01:35,222
"Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs
47
00:01:35,256 --> 00:01:36,857
before we choose sides."
48
00:01:36,891 --> 00:01:37,958
Who's Adele?
49
00:01:37,992 --> 00:01:38,959
Just keep reading.
50
00:01:38,993 --> 00:01:40,260
"Hey, short guys,
51
00:01:40,295 --> 00:01:42,596
"the more muscular you get,
the shorter you look.
52
00:01:42,630 --> 00:01:44,097
Did you not know that?"
53
00:01:44,132 --> 00:01:45,399
Well, that one
seems a little mean.
54
00:01:45,433 --> 00:01:47,200
Just give me the phone.
No, no.
55
00:01:47,235 --> 00:01:50,070
"I was wondering why this
tampon commercial was so long
56
00:01:50,104 --> 00:01:52,906
until I realized it was
a re-run of Sex and the City."
57
00:01:52,941 --> 00:01:54,741
Was it a re-run
on basic cable,
58
00:01:54,776 --> 00:01:56,310
because sometimes
they edit those a lot
59
00:01:56,344 --> 00:01:57,778
and that could be
why you were confused?
60
00:01:57,812 --> 00:01:59,179
Hmm, that's
interesting, Brian.
61
00:01:59,213 --> 00:02:01,415
A girl in Iowa asked me
the same question.
62
00:02:01,449 --> 00:02:02,549
You know what I did?
63
00:02:02,584 --> 00:02:03,684
I flew her out here
64
00:02:03,718 --> 00:02:04,918
and her
in the face.
65
00:02:04,953 --> 00:02:05,986
So, yeah...
66
00:02:06,020 --> 00:02:07,087
Twitter.
67
00:02:07,121 --> 00:02:08,722
Look, those are
cute blurbs, Stewie,
68
00:02:08,756 --> 00:02:10,190
but I-I think I'm
gonna put together
69
00:02:10,224 --> 00:02:12,359
a real act
for real people.
70
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:13,694
Good luck.
71
00:02:13,728 --> 00:02:15,762
God, it's like
I'm the only person in the house
72
00:02:15,797 --> 00:02:17,664
who gets social media.
73
00:02:27,375 --> 00:02:29,509
That'll get it started.
74
00:02:33,281 --> 00:02:34,915
Where the
hell's Peter?
75
00:02:34,949 --> 00:02:36,283
I'm almost done doing
76
00:02:36,317 --> 00:02:37,417
the 45 minutes of stuff
77
00:02:37,452 --> 00:02:38,418
a woman my age
78
00:02:38,453 --> 00:02:40,087
needs to do
right before bed.
79
00:02:40,121 --> 00:02:42,122
I can't even remember
80
00:02:42,156 --> 00:02:44,758
why I sleep
in this belt anymore.
81
00:02:44,792 --> 00:02:46,627
Hey, Chris,
don't tell your mom
82
00:02:46,661 --> 00:02:48,362
I threw up
in the Crock-Pot.
83
00:02:48,396 --> 00:02:49,496
Peter, it's me.
84
00:02:49,530 --> 00:02:50,497
Oh.
85
00:02:50,531 --> 00:02:51,565
Uh, I'll be right back.
86
00:02:51,599 --> 00:02:53,533
I gotta go tell Chris
somethin' gross.
87
00:02:53,568 --> 00:02:54,901
Just come to bed.
88
00:02:54,936 --> 00:02:55,969
All right, fine,
89
00:02:56,004 --> 00:02:57,537
but I'm not gonna
brush my teeth
90
00:02:57,572 --> 00:03:00,040
and I'm gonna
fart super hot.
91
00:03:02,276 --> 00:03:03,310
Get up.
92
00:03:03,344 --> 00:03:04,911
You're on my side
of the bed.
93
00:03:04,946 --> 00:03:06,213
Peter!
94
00:03:06,247 --> 00:03:08,348
We act like we didn't take
a lot from The Simpsons,
95
00:03:08,383 --> 00:03:11,184
but we took a lot
from The Simpsons.
96
00:03:11,219 --> 00:03:13,220
Damn it.
97
00:03:15,857 --> 00:03:18,759
Oh, my God, what happened
to your side of the bed?
98
00:03:18,793 --> 00:03:20,427
These springs are shot.
99
00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:21,862
And it's all damp
over here!
100
00:03:21,896 --> 00:03:23,797
Are... are these
mushrooms?
101
00:03:23,831 --> 00:03:25,932
That's where Smurfs is.
102
00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:28,168
Er, are. Uh...
103
00:03:28,202 --> 00:03:29,836
Smurves.
104
00:03:37,412 --> 00:03:40,247
Uh, hey, who handles
multimedia here?
105
00:03:40,281 --> 00:03:42,249
Because, uh, I have a slide
of the Capitol building
106
00:03:42,283 --> 00:03:43,950
that I'd like
projected behind me.
107
00:03:43,985 --> 00:03:46,653
And, yes, it is supposed
to be upside-down.
108
00:03:46,688 --> 00:03:47,921
You a comic?
109
00:03:47,955 --> 00:03:49,723
Satirist, yes.
110
00:03:49,757 --> 00:03:53,393
What is with all the bad
cleaning supplies, am I right?
111
00:03:53,428 --> 00:03:55,529
I mean, Mr. Clean?
112
00:03:55,563 --> 00:03:58,665
More like Mr. Hard-to-Clean.
113
00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:00,100
Fantastik?
114
00:04:00,134 --> 00:04:01,668
More like terrible.
115
00:04:01,703 --> 00:04:02,969
Windex?
116
00:04:03,004 --> 00:04:04,971
More like Lose-Dex.
117
00:04:05,006 --> 00:04:06,473
Get off the stage!
118
00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:09,242
No, no, no.
119
00:04:09,277 --> 00:04:10,877
All right, you guys like impressions?
120
00:04:10,912 --> 00:04:13,280
Here's that guy Bob
from Bob's Burgers.
121
00:04:13,314 --> 00:04:15,949
Hi, I'm Bob from Bob's Burgers.
122
00:04:15,983 --> 00:04:17,551
How 'bout that show Archer?
123
00:04:17,585 --> 00:04:18,852
You watch that show Archer?
124
00:04:18,886 --> 00:04:20,387
Here's that guy Archer.
125
00:04:20,421 --> 00:04:22,889
Hi, I'm Archer,
from that show Archer.
126
00:04:22,924 --> 00:04:24,391
Now, what if those guys met?
127
00:04:24,425 --> 00:04:26,359
"Hey, Archer, it's Bob."
128
00:04:26,394 --> 00:04:28,829
"Hey, Bob, it's Archer."
129
00:04:28,863 --> 00:04:30,163
Thank you.
130
00:04:30,198 --> 00:04:33,333
Next up, let's keep it going
for Brian Griffin.
131
00:04:34,502 --> 00:04:35,669
All right, thanks.
132
00:04:35,703 --> 00:04:37,370
Hey, sorry I was late
getting here tonight,
133
00:04:37,405 --> 00:04:38,772
I was caught in gridlock.
134
00:04:38,806 --> 00:04:40,774
And then I left Congress.
135
00:04:42,810 --> 00:04:44,277
There was...
there was supposed to be
136
00:04:44,312 --> 00:04:47,314
an upside-down picture
of the Capitol behind me.
137
00:04:47,348 --> 00:04:48,615
Boy, awfully quiet in here.
138
00:04:48,649 --> 00:04:52,285
Sounds like John Boehner
talking about poverty.
139
00:04:54,055 --> 00:04:55,722
Whoosh.
140
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,560
Hey, so, um...
141
00:05:00,595 --> 00:05:02,195
you know, maybe it's me,
142
00:05:02,230 --> 00:05:03,530
but I kind of feel like
we should wait
143
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:05,232
to hear Adele's
ex-boyfriend's songs
144
00:05:05,266 --> 00:05:07,167
before we choose sides.
145
00:05:10,037 --> 00:05:11,705
Yeah, and... and...
and hey, short guys,
146
00:05:11,739 --> 00:05:14,207
the more muscular you get,
the shorter you look.
147
00:05:14,242 --> 00:05:15,408
Did you not know that?
148
00:05:17,845 --> 00:05:19,112
Wow.
149
00:05:19,147 --> 00:05:21,181
This is easier than getting
your Jet Ski license.
150
00:05:21,215 --> 00:05:22,749
All right, Kyle,
lookin' good.
151
00:05:22,784 --> 00:05:24,785
You got 100% on
your written test,
152
00:05:24,819 --> 00:05:26,052
100% on your
water test.
153
00:05:26,087 --> 00:05:27,554
Just one last question.
154
00:05:27,588 --> 00:05:29,823
Have you ever had a fistfight
with your stepdad?
155
00:05:29,857 --> 00:05:30,891
Which stepdad?
156
00:05:30,925 --> 00:05:31,892
You passed!
157
00:05:31,926 --> 00:05:32,893
Here's your license.
158
00:05:32,927 --> 00:05:34,394
Go be a dick.
159
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:42,202
Oh, Lois, I slept great
on your side of the bed.
160
00:05:42,236 --> 00:05:43,737
Oh, and I read your journal.
161
00:05:43,771 --> 00:05:46,206
Boy, you really hate
"P-period G-period."
162
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,108
Peter, our mattress
is a disaster.
163
00:05:48,142 --> 00:05:49,609
We're buying
a new one today.
164
00:05:49,644 --> 00:05:51,044
Does that mean
I can skip work?
165
00:05:51,078 --> 00:05:54,381
Well, it's 2:45,
so I guess yes.
166
00:05:54,415 --> 00:05:55,649
Hey.
167
00:05:55,683 --> 00:05:57,217
So, how'd it go
last night?
168
00:05:57,251 --> 00:05:58,285
Well, let's just say
169
00:05:58,319 --> 00:05:59,619
I got asked
to come back tonight.
170
00:05:59,654 --> 00:06:00,620
You're kidding.
171
00:06:00,655 --> 00:06:01,788
It actually
went over well?
172
00:06:01,823 --> 00:06:03,123
I figured
you'd be terrible.
173
00:06:03,157 --> 00:06:04,257
Why would you think that?
174
00:06:04,292 --> 00:06:06,126
Well, I know a thing
or two about performing.
175
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,962
I mean, after all, I was
Vin Diesel's acting coach.
176
00:06:08,996 --> 00:06:10,864
Okay, Vin, I like
what you're doing there,
177
00:06:10,898 --> 00:06:13,533
but I want you to try it
one more time, like this:
178
00:06:13,568 --> 00:06:15,735
"Duh!"
179
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,942
Look around, and let me know
if you have any questions.
180
00:06:21,976 --> 00:06:23,176
Oh, I have one.
181
00:06:23,211 --> 00:06:25,745
What percentage of
Hayden Panettiere is dwarf?
182
00:06:25,780 --> 00:06:27,380
Well, you're
the expert.
183
00:06:27,415 --> 00:06:29,082
What kind of mattress
do you have?
184
00:06:29,116 --> 00:06:30,851
Currently, I'm staying
with a friend,
185
00:06:30,885 --> 00:06:32,686
on an air mattress
in his laundry room.
186
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:33,687
It's temporary.
187
00:06:33,721 --> 00:06:34,988
No, it's not.
No.
188
00:06:35,022 --> 00:06:36,857
Okay, well, thanks,
we'll just try a few out.
189
00:06:36,891 --> 00:06:38,992
I hope you don't mind,
I brought my CPAP machine.
190
00:06:46,601 --> 00:06:48,635
Also, I like to eat
a big bowl of berries
191
00:06:48,669 --> 00:06:49,836
before I go to sleep.
192
00:07:04,018 --> 00:07:05,585
Well, what do
you think, Peter?
193
00:07:05,620 --> 00:07:07,287
Well, it seems good,
but I won't know for sure
194
00:07:07,321 --> 00:07:09,122
until I have
my evening tug.
195
00:07:09,156 --> 00:07:10,624
I think we
like this one.
196
00:07:10,658 --> 00:07:11,825
W-What's it called?
197
00:07:11,859 --> 00:07:13,460
Deep Slumber 3000.
198
00:07:13,494 --> 00:07:15,228
You're buying it on Amazon,
aren't you?
199
00:07:15,263 --> 00:07:17,197
Yup.
They have drones now.
200
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:20,734
Oh, come on, Peter,
201
00:07:20,768 --> 00:07:23,403
we gotta beat the
drone to the house!
202
00:07:23,437 --> 00:07:24,905
Real stores suck!
203
00:07:30,211 --> 00:07:32,946
So I was wondering why this
tampon commercial was so long,
204
00:07:32,980 --> 00:07:35,548
until I realized it was
a re-run of Sex and the City.
205
00:07:37,585 --> 00:07:39,552
Okay, you guys have been great.
Good night.
206
00:07:42,790 --> 00:07:45,158
Funny stuff.
207
00:07:45,192 --> 00:07:46,927
Hey, uh...
Stewie!
208
00:07:46,961 --> 00:07:48,862
You, uh, you
caught the show?
209
00:07:48,896 --> 00:07:50,263
You bloody thief!
210
00:07:50,298 --> 00:07:52,799
Every joke you told up there
was stolen from me!
211
00:07:52,833 --> 00:07:54,267
Stewie, relax.
212
00:07:54,302 --> 00:07:55,802
You know what?
That's it!
213
00:07:55,836 --> 00:07:57,604
You and I are
no longer friends!
214
00:07:59,974 --> 00:08:02,042
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.
215
00:08:02,076 --> 00:08:04,744
Oh, it's
everywhere!
216
00:08:08,883 --> 00:08:10,483
Hey, Stewie,
you got a second?
217
00:08:10,518 --> 00:08:12,152
I have nothing to
say to you, Brian.
218
00:08:12,186 --> 00:08:14,487
Besides, I'm busy playing
with my new friend.
219
00:08:14,522 --> 00:08:15,722
What new friend?
220
00:08:20,628 --> 00:08:23,430
Is this dog
bothering you, Stewie?
221
00:08:23,464 --> 00:08:24,464
What the hell?
222
00:08:24,498 --> 00:08:25,765
You couldn't find
a real friend
223
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:26,833
so you built a robot?
224
00:08:26,867 --> 00:08:28,535
Oh, not a robot, Brian.
225
00:08:28,569 --> 00:08:31,004
He's a human mind model
adaptive super computer.
226
00:08:31,038 --> 00:08:33,573
I've even programmed him
to learn and grow smarter.
227
00:08:33,607 --> 00:08:34,808
His name is Lyle.
228
00:08:34,842 --> 00:08:36,343
Stewie, perhaps
we should offer
229
00:08:36,377 --> 00:08:37,677
this guest
a beverage.
230
00:08:37,712 --> 00:08:39,446
Or simply lift
the toilet seat.
231
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,815
Ooh! Snap, Brian!
232
00:08:43,584 --> 00:08:44,684
♪ Gloria ♪
233
00:08:44,719 --> 00:08:45,719
What the hell's
going on?
234
00:08:45,753 --> 00:08:46,920
What's going on?
235
00:08:46,954 --> 00:08:48,254
You've been "Lyle'd"!
236
00:08:48,289 --> 00:08:49,856
♪ Gloria ♪
237
00:08:49,890 --> 00:08:51,491
♪ I think they got
the alias... ♪
238
00:08:56,292 --> 00:08:58,260
♪ Gloria. ♪
239
00:08:58,294 --> 00:09:00,596
♪ ♪
240
00:09:00,630 --> 00:09:01,897
Wow.
241
00:09:01,931 --> 00:09:03,465
Didn't know we'd have
to hear the whole song.
242
00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:04,733
You built a robot?
243
00:09:04,767 --> 00:09:06,335
This is pathetic,
Stewie.
244
00:09:06,369 --> 00:09:07,936
You ally must be
desperate for friends.
245
00:09:07,971 --> 00:09:09,271
Oh, I'm desperate?
246
00:09:09,305 --> 00:09:11,940
Lyle, access
Brian's phone.
247
00:09:13,810 --> 00:09:16,011
Look at that,
you only have four contacts.
248
00:09:16,045 --> 00:09:17,813
And... oh, my God,
249
00:09:17,847 --> 00:09:20,015
you downloaded
the Dunkin' Donuts app?
250
00:09:20,049 --> 00:09:22,150
And who Shazams the Beatles?
251
00:09:22,185 --> 00:09:23,151
Whatever.
252
00:09:23,186 --> 00:09:24,486
Have fun with
your little robot.
253
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:26,388
But if you ask me, this whole
thing is more disturbing
254
00:09:26,422 --> 00:09:28,223
than a dump
after a beet salad.
255
00:09:29,259 --> 00:09:30,759
Oh, right.
256
00:09:34,397 --> 00:09:36,732
Okay, Lois, I dabbed
some toothpaste
257
00:09:36,766 --> 00:09:38,567
on the inside
of my nose, so...
258
00:09:38,601 --> 00:09:41,003
I am willing to take
the old "Nestea plunge,"
259
00:09:41,037 --> 00:09:42,437
if you know
what I mean.
260
00:09:42,472 --> 00:09:43,672
I guess what
I'm saying is,
261
00:09:43,706 --> 00:09:45,574
time to break in
the new mattress, eh?
262
00:09:45,608 --> 00:09:47,075
Peter, it's brand-new.
263
00:09:47,110 --> 00:09:48,377
I don't want
to mess it up.
264
00:09:48,411 --> 00:09:50,045
Come on, we won't
make a mess.
265
00:09:50,079 --> 00:09:51,847
When we're done,
I'll grab you by the ankles
266
00:09:51,881 --> 00:09:53,982
and lift you up
like a dirty garbage bag.
267
00:09:54,017 --> 00:09:55,083
No!
268
00:09:55,118 --> 00:09:56,385
This mattress
was expensive,
269
00:09:56,419 --> 00:09:58,220
and I'd like to keep it nice
for a little while.
270
00:09:58,254 --> 00:10:00,088
Are you serious?
We can't do it?
271
00:10:00,123 --> 00:10:01,890
For how long?
I don't know.
272
00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:03,759
L-Let's just keep it new
for a few weeks.
273
00:10:03,793 --> 00:10:04,860
A few weeks?!
274
00:10:04,894 --> 00:10:06,028
Come on, you know
I'm terrible
275
00:10:06,062 --> 00:10:07,429
at waiting for things.
276
00:10:07,463 --> 00:10:10,198
We'll be right back with more
Laverne & Shirley.
277
00:10:10,233 --> 00:10:12,000
But I want it now!
278
00:10:18,942 --> 00:10:21,343
All right, Lyle, one thing
buddies do together
279
00:10:21,377 --> 00:10:23,812
is go to the movies and
talk about it afterwards.
280
00:10:51,341 --> 00:10:52,641
I'm going to bed.
281
00:10:52,675 --> 00:10:54,343
Yeah.
282
00:10:55,812 --> 00:10:58,113
Oh, Lyle, I'm so glad
I have you as a friend.
283
00:10:58,147 --> 00:10:59,781
Now I can do fun things
284
00:10:59,816 --> 00:11:01,450
like get on your shoulders
and wear a trench coat
285
00:11:01,484 --> 00:11:03,552
and be tall enough
to ride roller coasters.
286
00:11:07,290 --> 00:11:08,924
Hello, fellow adult.
287
00:11:08,958 --> 00:11:11,259
I am clearly above
the minimum height requirement
288
00:11:11,294 --> 00:11:12,928
and shall now ride
your roller coaster,
289
00:11:12,962 --> 00:11:14,596
for which you are an attendant.
290
00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:16,932
Yes, and I will operate
this roller coaster,
291
00:11:16,966 --> 00:11:19,301
as I am an adult who
is licensed to do so.
292
00:11:20,236 --> 00:11:21,403
Hey!
293
00:11:21,437 --> 00:11:22,604
Oh, no!
294
00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:23,605
It's the manager.
295
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:24,940
Run!
296
00:11:24,974 --> 00:11:27,275
You get out of here,
you kids who are just kids
297
00:11:27,310 --> 00:11:29,311
and not an adult like me!
298
00:11:39,255 --> 00:11:42,224
I do so enjoy
our time together, Lyle.
299
00:11:42,258 --> 00:11:44,226
In fact, I drew you
a little keepsake.
300
00:11:44,260 --> 00:11:47,562
It's a picture of a mailman
wearing a cowboy hat.
301
00:11:47,597 --> 00:11:48,897
Just a silly thing.
302
00:11:48,931 --> 00:11:49,898
Thank you, Stewie.
303
00:11:49,932 --> 00:11:51,900
I drew you
something as well.
304
00:11:51,934 --> 00:11:55,137
It's an urban plan for a
workable Palestinian state.
305
00:11:55,171 --> 00:11:57,606
My word, this is
very impressive.
306
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,274
The credit is yours, Stewie.
307
00:11:59,308 --> 00:12:02,511
It was you who programmed me
to grow exponentially smarter.
308
00:12:02,545 --> 00:12:03,845
Ah, I suppose
you're right.
309
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,515
As Kahlil Gilbane wrote
in The Prophet,
310
00:12:06,549 --> 00:12:09,851
"I am the bow from which
the arrow of you was launched."
311
00:12:09,886 --> 00:12:11,853
It is Kahlil Gibran.
312
00:12:11,888 --> 00:12:14,189
"Gilbane" is a construction
company in Providence.
313
00:12:14,223 --> 00:12:17,526
Ah, yes, I see... I see
the-the name on the trucks.
314
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,528
So it's ea... um,
easy mix up there.
315
00:12:19,562 --> 00:12:22,531
In any case, Lyle, I'm very
proud of you and your progress.
316
00:12:22,565 --> 00:12:24,533
You, my friend, are
the greatest invention
317
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:26,435
since the Trapper Creeper.
318
00:12:27,804 --> 00:12:29,104
Ah...
319
00:12:29,138 --> 00:12:31,106
Um, yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum.
320
00:12:36,979 --> 00:12:38,613
Well, wouldn't
you know it,
321
00:12:38,648 --> 00:12:40,615
I moved the van over
to the other gas pump,
322
00:12:40,650 --> 00:12:42,951
and the gas cap was
still on the wrong side.
323
00:12:44,654 --> 00:12:47,289
Boy, that was one trip to the
lake we're not gonna forget.
324
00:12:47,323 --> 00:12:48,824
Shut the hell up,
will you, Joe?
325
00:12:48,858 --> 00:12:50,826
Geez, what's your
problem, Peter?
326
00:12:50,860 --> 00:12:53,829
I-I'm sorry, guys, I guess
I'm just a little on edge.
327
00:12:53,863 --> 00:12:55,664
I'm not getting any
from Lois.
328
00:12:55,698 --> 00:12:57,999
Is it 'cause Lois is
going through the change?
329
00:12:58,034 --> 00:12:59,668
Donna's getting
a tiny mustache.
330
00:12:59,702 --> 00:13:02,671
I told her it felt like I
was kissing Ernie Hudson.
331
00:13:02,705 --> 00:13:04,339
That turned out
to be a mistake.
332
00:13:04,373 --> 00:13:06,007
No, no, it's 'cause we got
this new mattress,
333
00:13:06,042 --> 00:13:07,776
and Lois doesn't want
to mess it up.
334
00:13:07,810 --> 00:13:09,444
What kind of mattress
did you get?
335
00:13:09,479 --> 00:13:11,446
I hope you did your homework,
because you're gonna spend
336
00:13:11,481 --> 00:13:13,448
a third of your
life on that thing.
337
00:13:13,483 --> 00:13:15,283
I swear to God, Joe...
338
00:13:15,318 --> 00:13:16,952
Look, Peter, the
answer is obvious.
339
00:13:16,986 --> 00:13:18,620
If Lois won't sleep with
you on the new mattress,
340
00:13:18,654 --> 00:13:20,294
we just got to get
your old mattress back.
341
00:13:20,323 --> 00:13:22,624
Oh, my God, Quagmire,
that's a great idea.
342
00:13:22,658 --> 00:13:24,693
She won't care about messing up
the old mattress.
343
00:13:24,727 --> 00:13:26,027
But you already
got rid of it.
344
00:13:26,062 --> 00:13:27,362
You'll never
find that thing.
345
00:13:27,396 --> 00:13:29,030
Well, we're just
gonna have to.
346
00:13:29,065 --> 00:13:30,699
Man, I haven't been this
desperate to find something
347
00:13:30,733 --> 00:13:33,135
since Meg was kidnapped
by that maniac.
348
00:13:33,169 --> 00:13:35,837
It puts the lotion
on its skin.
349
00:13:39,509 --> 00:13:41,143
Oh, Meg, thank
God I found you.
350
00:13:41,177 --> 00:13:42,477
Hey, remember
how you borrowed
351
00:13:42,512 --> 00:13:43,812
my club card for
the grocery store?
352
00:13:43,846 --> 00:13:45,480
Could you toss
that up to me?
353
00:13:45,515 --> 00:13:47,816
Oh, you don't have
to have the card.
354
00:13:47,850 --> 00:13:49,818
You can just give them
your phone number.
355
00:13:49,852 --> 00:13:50,819
Oh, really?
356
00:13:50,853 --> 00:13:52,154
Hey, thanks, man.
357
00:13:52,188 --> 00:13:53,822
Hey, Meg, I like
your new boyfriend.
358
00:13:53,856 --> 00:13:55,490
Every pot finds
a lid, huh?
359
00:13:55,525 --> 00:13:57,492
Have fun, you kids.
360
00:14:02,932 --> 00:14:05,734
Lyle, we finally got
a thank you note from Bella
361
00:14:05,768 --> 00:14:06,735
for that birthday party present.
362
00:14:06,769 --> 00:14:08,069
With a single mom,
363
00:14:08,104 --> 00:14:09,738
I didn't know for sure
if it was coming, but...
364
00:14:09,772 --> 00:14:11,072
What... what's
going on here?
365
00:14:11,107 --> 00:14:12,407
Hello, Stewie.
366
00:14:12,441 --> 00:14:13,942
I've built a few friends
for myself.
367
00:14:13,976 --> 00:14:14,943
You have?
368
00:14:14,977 --> 00:14:16,278
I'm sorry,
369
00:14:16,312 --> 00:14:17,946
but I've outpaced
your intelligence.
370
00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:20,949
I needed to create some friends
who are my cognitive peers.
371
00:14:20,983 --> 00:14:23,618
Meet Ted R. and Ted P.
372
00:14:23,653 --> 00:14:25,620
Are they doing math
on glass?!
373
00:14:25,655 --> 00:14:28,623
And invading each other's
personal space?
374
00:14:28,658 --> 00:14:30,625
That means they have
Asperger's,
375
00:14:30,660 --> 00:14:32,694
the smartest mental
impairment there is.
376
00:14:32,728 --> 00:14:35,363
Stewie, I'm afraid I
no longer have time
377
00:14:35,398 --> 00:14:37,365
for a friend of
your simple ways.
378
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,034
I must ask you to leave.
379
00:14:39,068 --> 00:14:41,703
No, he must Asperger
you to leave.
380
00:14:41,737 --> 00:14:44,039
Ho-ho. You've
been "Ted R.'d."
381
00:14:47,076 --> 00:14:48,710
That was mean.
382
00:14:48,744 --> 00:14:50,045
But I like that song.
383
00:14:50,079 --> 00:14:51,379
Is he sad?
384
00:14:51,414 --> 00:14:53,281
I can't tell
if he's sad.
385
00:15:02,491 --> 00:15:04,959
Finally, Stewie's
back from the store.
386
00:15:04,993 --> 00:15:07,295
Yes, I'm sorry it
took me so long.
387
00:15:07,329 --> 00:15:09,831
But I got the garlic blue cheese
salad dressing you wanted.
388
00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:11,499
Does that mean I'm
in the crew now?
389
00:15:11,533 --> 00:15:14,869
It does if you drink
the whole bottle while we watch.
390
00:15:14,903 --> 00:15:16,904
Um, okay.
391
00:15:20,576 --> 00:15:21,542
Oh...
392
00:15:21,577 --> 00:15:22,543
Oh, my God.
393
00:15:22,578 --> 00:15:24,212
It's so salty.
394
00:15:26,248 --> 00:15:28,883
Oh, and chunky right when
you don't want it to be.
395
00:15:32,254 --> 00:15:33,554
There, I did it.
396
00:15:33,589 --> 00:15:34,555
We're friends
now, right?
397
00:15:34,590 --> 00:15:35,890
Maybe.
398
00:15:35,924 --> 00:15:38,226
How about you throw it all up
back into the bottle?
399
00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:40,061
But don't spill a drop.
400
00:15:40,095 --> 00:15:41,729
Okay, okay..
401
00:15:41,763 --> 00:15:43,097
Okay, I can do that.
402
00:15:44,433 --> 00:15:46,400
Oh, I'm sorry!
403
00:15:46,435 --> 00:15:48,069
I'm sorry, I forgot
to purse my lips.
404
00:15:48,103 --> 00:15:50,738
I'll go get another
bottle and try again.
405
00:15:54,243 --> 00:16:00,848
I bet the mall
around here sucks.
406
00:16:00,883 --> 00:16:02,517
Peter, what are we
doing here?
407
00:16:02,551 --> 00:16:04,519
I thought we were looking
for your mattress.
408
00:16:04,553 --> 00:16:07,522
We are, this is a
1950s insane asylum.
409
00:16:07,556 --> 00:16:10,191
They use old mattresses to
pad the walls of the cells.
410
00:16:11,393 --> 00:16:13,427
May I help you?
411
00:16:13,462 --> 00:16:16,430
Yes, 1950s doctor, me and
my friends are looking for...
412
00:16:16,465 --> 00:16:18,766
You're friends with a
Negro and a cripple?
413
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,101
This man is insane.
414
00:16:20,135 --> 00:16:21,469
Take him away.
415
00:16:23,071 --> 00:16:25,039
Now wait a second,
you can't do that to...
416
00:16:25,073 --> 00:16:27,708
A Negro speaking up
to a white person?
417
00:16:27,743 --> 00:16:29,076
This man is insane.
418
00:16:31,079 --> 00:16:32,380
Now look,
I don't think...
419
00:16:32,414 --> 00:16:34,048
All cripples
are insane.
420
00:16:34,082 --> 00:16:35,416
Euthanize this man.
421
00:16:36,818 --> 00:16:39,120
Something I can
help you with?
422
00:16:39,154 --> 00:16:40,788
Yeah, you got any
brain-dead women in there
423
00:16:40,822 --> 00:16:42,456
you let people have sex with
for a few bucks?
424
00:16:42,491 --> 00:16:44,158
Sure, come on back.
425
00:16:48,163 --> 00:16:49,797
Well, Peter, I don't think
you can go any farther
426
00:16:49,831 --> 00:16:51,465
down the ladder
than porno people.
427
00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,734
So if your mattress isn't
here, I'm afraid it's gone.
428
00:16:53,769 --> 00:16:55,069
Hey, I bet that's it.
429
00:16:55,103 --> 00:16:57,405
Get up, lady,
that's my mattress.
430
00:16:57,439 --> 00:16:59,407
Oh, my God, Bruce,
you do porn?
431
00:16:59,441 --> 00:17:01,075
Nah, I's part
of the crew.
432
00:17:01,109 --> 00:17:03,411
I mostly just powder
the ding-dongs.
433
00:17:03,445 --> 00:17:05,079
This ain't your
mattress, buddy.
434
00:17:05,113 --> 00:17:07,748
We just got it, fresh off
the boat from Eastern Europe.
435
00:17:07,783 --> 00:17:10,418
I was told
I would have job as Au pair.
436
00:17:10,452 --> 00:17:12,420
Instead I am just bang slab.
437
00:17:12,454 --> 00:17:13,754
Ah, damn it.
438
00:17:13,789 --> 00:17:15,423
We did get another
one yesterday,
439
00:17:15,457 --> 00:17:17,425
but some fat-ass blew
out half the springs,
440
00:17:17,459 --> 00:17:19,393
so we put lunch on it.
441
00:17:21,330 --> 00:17:22,630
My mattress.
442
00:17:22,664 --> 00:17:23,631
Hey, we found it.
443
00:17:23,665 --> 00:17:24,966
All right, let's get her
out of here.
444
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,969
I got to tell you guys,
I am so happy we found this.
445
00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:30,838
It's like when I found
my thrill on Blueberry Hill.
446
00:17:32,207 --> 00:17:33,507
That's it?
447
00:17:33,542 --> 00:17:35,509
It's just a bunch
of blueberries?
448
00:17:35,544 --> 00:17:37,178
Ah, two dogs humping.
449
00:17:37,212 --> 00:17:39,847
Ah, this was worth
the four-hour flight.
450
00:17:47,389 --> 00:17:48,689
Oh, my God, Stewie.
451
00:17:48,724 --> 00:17:50,858
What are you doing in the toilet
with the lid closed?
452
00:17:50,892 --> 00:17:54,362
Ted R. says this is where
a piece of crap has to live.
453
00:17:54,396 --> 00:17:55,363
This is terrible.
454
00:17:55,397 --> 00:17:57,365
Those robots are not
your friends.
455
00:17:57,399 --> 00:18:00,034
Yeah, well, at least they
don't steal from me.
456
00:18:00,068 --> 00:18:03,037
Look, I'm really sorry
I stole your jokes.
457
00:18:03,071 --> 00:18:04,705
It was a rotten
thing to do.
458
00:18:04,740 --> 00:18:06,374
You may not want me
back as a friend,
459
00:18:06,408 --> 00:18:08,376
but you deserve better
than those robots.
460
00:18:08,410 --> 00:18:11,045
Of course I want
you back, Brian.
461
00:18:11,079 --> 00:18:13,714
The fact is-- I miss
hanging out with you.
462
00:18:13,749 --> 00:18:15,716
I'll tell you what,
let's hang out tonight
463
00:18:15,751 --> 00:18:18,386
after they see how many slaps
it takes to give me a stutter.
464
00:18:18,420 --> 00:18:20,054
Utewie, you got to put
a stop to this.
465
00:18:20,088 --> 00:18:22,056
I mean, you made them--
you can destroy them.
466
00:18:22,090 --> 00:18:25,192
What do you say you and I,
we take these robots out?
467
00:18:25,227 --> 00:18:27,828
You'd... you'd help me do that?
468
00:18:27,863 --> 00:18:29,997
Of course, Stewie,
I'm your friend.
469
00:18:30,032 --> 00:18:31,999
All right,
let's do it.
470
00:18:32,034 --> 00:18:33,668
Thank you, Brian.
471
00:18:33,702 --> 00:18:35,002
Okay, let's wrap it up.
472
00:18:35,037 --> 00:18:36,671
I reserved this time
473
00:18:36,705 --> 00:18:39,006
to listen to Metallica
and flex in the mirror.
474
00:18:39,041 --> 00:18:41,175
He's right; it's
on the whiteboard.
475
00:18:44,713 --> 00:18:47,348
Peter, what is that?
476
00:18:47,382 --> 00:18:50,017
This, Lois, is
our old mattress.
477
00:18:50,052 --> 00:18:51,352
Well, get it out of here.
478
00:18:51,386 --> 00:18:54,021
It smells like
John Popper's cargo shorts.
479
00:18:54,056 --> 00:18:56,524
No, it smells
like our marriage.
480
00:18:56,558 --> 00:18:57,525
What?!
481
00:18:57,559 --> 00:18:58,859
Don't you see, Lois?
482
00:18:58,894 --> 00:19:00,861
This mattress is
a living tapestry
483
00:19:00,896 --> 00:19:02,196
of everything we've
done together.
484
00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:03,864
Every stain, a story.
485
00:19:03,899 --> 00:19:06,233
Every smudge, a chapter
in our family's life.
486
00:19:06,268 --> 00:19:08,569
This mark here is from
where we conceived Meg.
487
00:19:08,603 --> 00:19:09,904
Over here was Chris.
488
00:19:09,938 --> 00:19:11,572
And all the way up
here was Stewie,
489
00:19:11,606 --> 00:19:13,941
'cause, remember, you coughed
up all that pool water?
490
00:19:13,975 --> 00:19:17,044
Oh, Peter,
you were so handsome.
491
00:19:17,079 --> 00:19:20,715
Lois, this mattress may be old
and worn-in, but so are we.
492
00:19:20,749 --> 00:19:24,051
And I wouldn't trade
you in for anything.
493
00:19:28,090 --> 00:19:29,724
You know, I, uh, think
494
00:19:29,758 --> 00:19:32,393
I still got a stain
or two left inside me.
495
00:19:32,427 --> 00:19:34,428
Oh, Peter.
496
00:19:36,431 --> 00:19:39,066
Yeah, I want to do you
right where the porn lunch was.
497
00:19:39,101 --> 00:19:40,735
What?
498
00:19:40,769 --> 00:19:43,070
I said, I want to do you
right where the porn lunch was.
499
00:19:43,105 --> 00:19:44,972
God, I wish you'd listen.
500
00:19:50,746 --> 00:19:53,380
Stewie, three more
Arnold Palmers.
501
00:19:53,415 --> 00:19:55,716
Boy, we're destroying them
at the right time, Brian.
502
00:19:55,751 --> 00:19:58,052
I don't have enough iced
tea for the correct ratio.
503
00:19:58,086 --> 00:19:59,053
It'll be too lemonade-y.
504
00:19:59,087 --> 00:20:00,054
They'll be furious.
505
00:20:00,088 --> 00:20:01,388
All right,
so let's do it.
506
00:20:01,423 --> 00:20:02,757
Let's take 'em out.
507
00:20:02,791 --> 00:20:04,425
I'll warn you,
it's not gonna be easy.
508
00:20:04,459 --> 00:20:05,760
They're incredibly intelligent
509
00:20:05,794 --> 00:20:07,094
and getting smarter
by the minute.
510
00:20:07,129 --> 00:20:09,096
I designed them to be
constantly adapting...
511
00:20:09,131 --> 00:20:10,765
It's done, I sprayed 'em
with the hose.
512
00:20:18,473 --> 00:20:20,441
Ah, boy, that was
the best night's sleep
513
00:20:20,475 --> 00:20:22,109
I've had
in a long time, Lois.
514
00:20:22,144 --> 00:20:23,778
Same with me.
515
00:20:23,812 --> 00:20:25,780
You know, I'm glad we're
keeping our old mattress.
516
00:20:25,814 --> 00:20:27,782
Sometimes newer
isn't better.
517
00:20:27,816 --> 00:20:29,784
Yeah.
518
00:20:29,818 --> 00:20:31,452
Are your privates itchy, too,
or just mine?
519
00:20:31,486 --> 00:20:32,787
No, they're itchy.
520
00:20:32,821 --> 00:20:34,121
Maybe we should keep
the new mattress.
521
00:20:34,156 --> 00:20:35,456
Way ahead of you, Lois.
522
00:20:35,490 --> 00:20:37,124
I already dragged
the old one out to the curb.
523
00:20:37,159 --> 00:20:40,161
Good. Okay, I'm gonna go rub up
against the basement doorjamb.
524
00:20:41,530 --> 00:20:43,497
Stewie, I really am sorry
about what happened.
525
00:20:43,532 --> 00:20:44,832
Oh, don't mention it.
526
00:20:44,866 --> 00:20:46,834
I'm just glad to have
the whole mess behind us.
527
00:20:46,868 --> 00:20:49,003
So what'd you end up doing
with those old robots anyway?
528
00:20:49,037 --> 00:20:51,005
I just left them out
on the curb for the trash man.
529
00:20:51,006 --> 00:20:55,406
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
530
00:20:55,409 --> 00:20:57,410
How can this
not be a trap?38081
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