Original subtitles

(♪)

I used to be somebody.

In the big city.

I shined the light of truth on the city's seedy underbelly.

Drug busts, dirty cops,

greasy politicians, overzealous Karens?

I was respected and feared.

Even the local cartel “Jefes” had a name for me.

El feo verdad!

But it all fell apart.

And now I'm back here, in my hometown

(car horn beeping)

in Florida.

(♪) “You are, my private love baby.”

(♪) “You are...”

“It's time to tell you baby...”

Hey!

Welcome to swinging Dickies, where the swinging never stops.

Would you like to try our two ball explosion?

It's on special today.

Sounds a little filling.

I'll take a double bourbon and a point in the direction of Chastity please.

(♪)

Good seats.

Got to be careful not to get too close

or you get slapped in the face.

Flogged by log...

It's two bucks. You wanna go?

Are you his agent?

Girl has got to make a living.

Ahhh well, I'm working.

My company has a strict “no flog” policy.

I'm a reporter.

(clears throat)

You got something to hide there?

Nope. Nope.

Just thought your ahh, cutie pie face, is going to be good for at least four or five flogs.

Cutie pie.

You going to ask me something?

Or am I going to have to find another way to test your gag reflex?

Friar Frick... You used to work for him.

Where were you when you went missing?

Just doing my goddamn job! Making the rounds, collecting the debts.

That was a bad week though.

Everybody wanted to kill Frick for not placing their bets.

What do you think he did with all that money?

Who knows?

He probably hid it with all the rest of the money.

I don't think he spends any of it.

Lives in that shit trailer over by the swamp.

Simmo, man!

What did you want for $20?

It wasn't even $20.

It was $17 and a coupon.

(phone chirps) I mean, what you expect? Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I got to go.

So you were furious at Frick too?

Not enough to kill him.

I didn't say you did.

So, Roscoe...

You guys used to be an item, right?

For three wonderful toe-tingling years.

You know, you wouldn't think a boy like that would do it for a girl like me but,

he had curves in all the right places.

Curves? Roscoe is a skinny guy.

I'm talking about his junk.

Now he's got a severe case of the Peyronie's

Some guys just have that one bend.

But in Roscoe's case, he had a goddamn corkscrew.

Sounds painful.

Oh, maybe for him, but for me,

Ooh, Ecstasy.

So why'd you guys break up?

The Peyronie's consumed him.

He became bitter and impotent.

So Roscoe wasn't always a bitter, angry redneck.

No, no, he used to be my teddy bear.

Bring me treats.

He was so sweet and kind.

(♪) “I ain't trying to be rich.”

(♪) “have a high-priced phone.”

(♪) “or have a picket fence”

(♪) “or have a perfect lawn.”

(♪) “I don't need no hired help.”

(♪) “to run my home.”

(♪) “I just don't want to be po' no more.”

(♪) “I don't need to play golf”

(♪) “at the country club.”

(♪) “I don't need to show off.”

(♪) “I don't care to one up.”

(♪) “I ain't even know one.”

(♪) “I don't know the Jones.”

(♪) “I just don't want to be po’ no more”

(♪) “Oh, I don't know what I did wrong”

(♪) To be Oh so Po’ for Oh, for so long...”

But I need a man that can keep up with me.

(♪)

God damn! Deuce!

What the hell you doin' up in here?

What the... Is?

Uh! Ahhh!

My hands all sticky!

Alright, I'm in business,

Wash my hands later.

Jackpot!

All right.

Yeah, this is going to be.

What the?

Captain's log.

Day 5 of Project Dirty Neck Takeover.

(Duece chuckles)

Everyone in this town is so fucking stupid.

This shit crazy.

This shit's crazy, Ace!

Crazy!

I need to tell you about the new lady in my life.

So beautiful.

So beautiful.

So when Frick stiffed him, Roscoe was?

Madder than spit!

He was filled with so much bitterness and rage.

It's no wonder that he killed Frick.

So why do you think he stuffed him in his ice cream truck freezer?

'Scuse me.

Remember, the Holes of Glory prayer group is going to be coming in.

Poppin by real soon.

Holes of glory?

It's a group real strange men obsessed with the holes in the walls.

You don't say.

(Spanish)

We got to get back to the trailer before it gets dark.

I got a new metal detector battery and some new shovels.

Metal detector? Shovels?

Joey!

Hey! A man's got to make a living, eh?

(♪)

She’s like... she’s too spicy to be a burrito.

She’s more like... she’s a spicy jalapeno.

You going down!

Alright!

Gotcha now mother fucka!

Clean this shit up.

(laughter)

Cheetah! It's supposed to be the mouse gets the cheese.

That ruins the whole analogy!

Sorry guys.

Look, maybe when Roscoe gets captured, we can use all this information

as part of a wrap up story.

I sure hope he's caught unharmed.

He needs help.

Yeah... Uh.

Umm... You see that sexually frustrated

man down at the end of the stage there?

How much will this get him?

Leon! Si.

You go give him the works.

You got it baby.

(laughter)

Hey Poppy!

Let's party! (♪)

(♪)

(crying out loud)

(♪)

Hey... Deputy... It’s Ace.

Yeah, she's been nursing drinks at Swingin’ Dickies all day.

You can probably get some prints off the glass.

All right?

I'll call you when I'm there.

Bye.

We are going to goose the Deuce.

(♪)

Hey, took you long enough!

The code word was “the mouse has the cheese.”

Man, I told you I'm a cheetah. I'm fast, Ace! Never see me comin', man. I'm a cheetah!

Fine.

Take the drive to Tanya.

Why are you always wearing these whack-ass clothes?

Dude!

I’m not going to put this on.

Take the drive to Tanya. Okay?

Alright!

Brother!

Don't let me down.

Ace, you gotta start paying me for this shit, man.

I'm tired of working for your ass for free.

All this undercover shit I ain't no cop.

You owe me like 20 drinks.

(♪)

She probably came to Frick's trailer.

Just got here myself.

I'll go check it out and let you know.

Don’t forget to tell me if you get a match on those prints.

(♪)

(♪, door slam)

(♪)

(♪, digging)

Hey... Yeah...

Did you get 'em?

Good!

Alright! Get here quick.

Bye!

(digging)

Babe!

All that flogging really did me in, OK?

(Spanish)

I'm fucking sore.

You're the brawn.

I'm the brains... and the beauty!

But we dug like 12 fucking holes and found 12 cat graves.

Yeah well, I'm pretty sure that last one was a possum, but

this has got to be the right spot.

(thud)

(laughter)

Jackpot, baby!

(Spanish)

I don't know how to open it.

How much cash?

There's no cash.

Puzzles! Maps! What in the actual fuck!

(♪) Got me on some old Inspector Gadget shit.

Ace knows I'm gonna be the first one to get arrested.

If anything goes down, they're going to get the black guy.

They going to get the black-

Oh, yeah. There he is.

There he is.

Deucy-Goosey!

“The cat is in the bag!”

(♪, laughter)

Say that to Ace when I see him. “That cat is in the bag!”

I knew it.

There you are.

Oh, you.

You can't hide from me.

I smell you.

I smell your incompetence, I smell your weakness.

I smell you very tiny balls all the way from here.

Ha ha.

I got you.

(crickets, muffled talking)

What's the situation?

Well... so far, they've just

found a bunch of boxes filled with maps and puzzles.

I think Frick geocached his cash.

Geocache?

Yeah.

It’s an outdoor recreational activity where people use navigational techniques

to find empty boxes.

Sounds stupid.

Yeah... Totally.

I mean, I’d ride with you if you ever want to try it out.

Sure I'm free Friday.

Yeah, Sounds good.

Yeah.

I wonder where that Chastity went.

Found her.

I don't see her.

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

I should have known that you'd show up after asking all the squirrely questions.

Well, it wasn't hard to figure out.

You had motive, wanting Frick’s money.

Everybody wanted Frick dead for screwing them.

Even Roscoe wanted him dead too.

Poor Roscoe didn't even know there was a body in his truck.

Practically threw a Frozen Frick at our feet at the storage facility.

Yeah, and you had access,

you had motive, and you had a helper

strong enough to pile drive Frick's head through his shoulder blades.

Poppy! Poppy! She made me do it.

(thud) Aye!

Look... All we did is dig some holes at a dead man’s trailer.

We've done nothing illegal.

Worst we did is tresspassin'.

Wrong!

Your fingerprints matches the ones that we found on the canvas and duct tape used to wrap Frick's body up.

Where'd you get our fingerprints?

Swinging Dickies

Yours from the drinking glass.

And you is all over the pole.

Don't touch me, son.

I don't want your gross ass hands on me.

Well, duh,

You got us.

(chuckles)

But unfortunately for you,

I still got the gun.

I left it in the car.

Look, I've been in the slammer and I ain't going back. Okay?

Certainly not for you two idiots.

And certainly because I can frame my dumb ass, impotent ex-boyfriend Roscoe.

(shotgun click)

(thud)

(♪) Uh! Baby!

(thud)

That's what you get for breaking my brother's heart.

Roscoe?

No, I'm his brother, Marvin.

So you bashed over the head for breaking your brother's heart?

Heck, yeah.

And not for the framing him for murder part?

Well, that too.

Come on, Deputy.

I'll help you get these two to the car.

I'll go take pictures of those maps.

Thanks, Marvin.

Oh, she smells like cigarettes and cheese.

I wouldn’t know.

Lost my sense of smell in the second grade.

It all started with milk.

(♪)

Hey man, you really going fly that over your ex's?

Mission confirmed!

Tonight... We fly!

Yo yo, look, you better be careful with that thing, alright!

If you get arrested or something, don't say my name.

(♪)

You're not Ace!

Oh, I knew you weren't Ace... the whole time.

Man, you full of shit. You don't know nuthin. Come in with all that hot air.

You guys are such amateurs.

Can I get a drink?

Please.

Like something?

Damn!

I don't see Ace.

Nope! He's not here.

Oh, she is one...

Spicy jalapeno?

(♪)

I'm just going to wait here.

Oh! There he is.

Hey yo, Ace! Deuce is here.

Good! He can hear the big news.

What news?

Another wall hole was discovered... Lame.

No. It's about the biggest crime in the town's recent history.

Hold it right there!

This is official town business.

And as the executive official, I'm making the announcement.

Move!

(record scratch)

(clears throat)

My office has just been contacted by the Dirty Neck PD

to inform me that two individuals have been arrested

with conclusive evidence in the murder of Friar Frick.

(crowd mutters)

Furthermore, the statements,

from the arrested individuals,

corroborated by information from our local newspaper reporter,

Mr. Aesop Anderson!

Flori-Dude! Flori-Dude!

All right!

Flori-Dude! Flori-Dude!

All right!

All of this has led us to exonerate one...

Roscoe Abernathy from this crime.

That is all.

I need a drink.

(record scratch, ♪)

You did it!

I can't thank you enough.

Well, thank you for your tips and your guidance.

But ah, next time, just text me.

Deal!

Hey ah, I got to get out of town and head back to my business up north.

Hey, do you know how to get a hold of Roscoe

so I can let him know he's a free man?

Already done.

He'll be here soon.

(♪)

So what!

Big deal! Okay!

Even a dog gets his balls licked every once in a while,

by the cat living down the street.

Anyway... what I'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter,

because I filmed the whole thing and I uploaded it to my website first.

Bullshit!

Yeah! No, it's true. It's true!

I used a Deepfake app and I replaced you with me!

Where you going?

(phone alert)

You might want to check that message there, Deuce.

Whatever!

(♪)

Captain's log!

Day 5 of Project Dirty Neck Takeover.

Oh!

Everyone in this Town

is so fuckin stupid.

I've never met a dummer, bunch of stupid people in my life.

Anyway, what I'm tryin to say is

I've got this entire town on surveillance.

I got dirt on everybody.

Duece... Out!

Oh, that's, that’s...

OH!

(mumbling) Don't forget to edit this part out.

Oh, no.

How did you guys?

(crying out loud)

Leaking.

It's o... It’s okay. It's okay.

No, no, no, no, no. It's okay.

Oh, this is bad.

This is bad.

This is really bad.

This is a lot of fun.

I don't like this!

(♪, record scratch, shotgun click) WHERE IS HE?

SHIT!

I recognize my peeling house taped! THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS TAKING VIDEOS OF ME!

I have to ask you to put the gun down now and

let the professionals handle this.

Thank you!

Thank, thank...

Looks like Project Dirty Neck Takeover is over.

Oh, no! But, we shared tots.

No more tots for you.

But those were my personal files.

That's not right.

That, my friend, is how you do it.

You don't wait for the story.

You got to have the balls to make the story.

And this, is just the tip of the iceberg.

Did you hear her?

Now, that is illegal!

Hear what?

Here's the drive, Douchebag!

You can take it, but you need to get lost.

And don't ever set foot, in my town, again.

Mmm!

(grunts)

You made copies, right?

Of course!

(drone whirring)

(drone whirring) Wow! That thing really works.

(chuckles)

Hey, look here... I can see your bald spot.

Stop! Stop that.

(drone whirring)

You know what! (♪)

FUCK YOU!

And FUCK YOU!

And FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU! and FUCK YOU! and FUCK YOU! and FUCK

FUCK ALL OF YOU! In this cesspool of a town.

You know what, I don't care.

I'm not going anywhere.

No. I have so much dirt on all of you.

I have stories for years and years and years to come.

Why would I leave this little shithole of dysfunction? Huh!

Hey, I will not have you disparaging my shithole of dysfunction.

(♪) You know what, Mr. Mayor?

You! All of you... Can kiss my big city ass!

(crowd gasps)

(Duece chuckles)

- Gimme that!! - No, no. - Mine!

(laughter, drone whirring)

(drone whirring) You like that? Huh?

(crowd gasps) You like that Ace?

Yeah! (drone whirring)

See, you gotta be willing to let it all hang out.

(grunting) You gotta be willing, you gotta be tough, you gotta be strong.

(drone whirring, screams) OHHHHHH!

(crash, liquid splatter)

(keys hitting the floor) (chuckling)

(♪)

I told you to keep them off my desk.

(thud, screams) AARGGH!

(♪)

You owe me 20 bucks.

Totally worth it.

(chuckles)

Why is it so moist?

In celebration of tonight's glorious castration, drinks are on me.

(crowd cheers)

Should I pay from the bribes from last quarter?

No way! My wife wants a boat.

You know... take them out of the donations of the Out-to-Pasture Meadows.

They wouldn't enjoy it anyway.

(laughter)

(♪)

Back on top, right?

Thanks to...

my partner!

Ahhh right then!

(♪)

My brother said that there's a celebration going on.

Hey! How you doing, Roscoe?

Listen, I'd love to interview you, uh, maybe we could set up a time...

(♪) Whoa! I love this song!

(♪) Oh give me land,

(♪) lots of land under starry skies above,

(♪) don't fence me in...

(♪) Let me ride through the wide open country that I love,

(♪) don't fence me in...

(♪) Let me be by myself

(♪) in the evening breeze, listen to the rhythm,

(♪) of the cottonwood trees. Send me off forever,

(♪) but I ask you please... Don't fence me in.

So Deuce dropped a deuce.

Just not the typical deuce when pants are down to your ankles.

I wouldn't believe it could happen until I saw it with my own two eyes,

until I close them to avoid the blood splatter.

And with Tanya's promise fulfilled, with us dropping a Deuce of our own,

the mayor was happier than a pig in shit,

which, when referring to Florida politicians, is quite redundant.

So, what happened to our neutered nut-job?

Well, you heard that time heals all wounds.

That is, if you don't continue to pick at the scabs.

He's going to need one of those, dog neck cones fitted around his nads.

And Roscoe got his truck back from the impound, and is back in business.

Let's just hope he cleans that chiller

Real good.

And, speaking about chilling, our booty bumping,

star crossed lovers get to chill in the slammer.

After digging all those holes,

Frick's stash is still nowhere to be found... Yet.

But, perhaps that's the next story.

Aesop out!

(♪)