Original subtitles

(♪) “Previously on Dirty Neck.”

How in your mind could you run such a lurid story

about one of our good townsfolk?

I got a million hits about the groom with the golf club stuck up his ass

That dude was sporting wood for two whole days?

No way.

Yes way! I don't make this shit up.

Can you use the word rooster instead?

Caught with a rooster ring... on his rooster.

Oh, is it cuz' I'm black.

Flori-Dude! Flori-Dude! Flori-Dude!

Roscoe said the freezer was jammed,

so he had to move all the popsicles to the fridge.

You think his body's in the freezer?

What the hell's going on here?

We have clues to a missing person that points to foul play.

A body in the freezer of an ice cream truck?

My beer! My popsicles!

Mr. Tabloid

was wrong

just like every goddamn story you ever... Argh!

Are those Frick's feet?

How did he get here?

Oh, come on. Don't be so dramatic.

Nah... Nah nah nah. He's choking!

I'll save ya boss.

I got it, Mayor.

Arghhh!

Is that the little piggy that went to market?

Roscoe, you're under arrest.

Where'd he go?

Still no luck finding our Friar

freezing felon... the elusive Roscoe.

Pull back your horns and lay off them tall tales about the mayor.

(thud)

You're going to what?

I’m gonna... argh!

You the Flori-Dude?

I didn't think that name would actually stick.

Good enough!

Huh?

May I help you?

I believe you can. Is it hot in here?

Or is it just us?

You guys knock me over the head and I'm tied to a chair,

being held hostage by two goons and I gotta' take a piss.

Intimidation! Yes!

Just like in the old times.

Guys! I'm just a reporter, not a cop.

Yeah, and then pull it out.

Pull what out?

It! It?

Yeah. It's not going to pull itself out.

I asked you to arrange a meeting, and you bring me to this shit hole.

Hello, Ace.

Roscoe?

(birds chirping)

I'm Marvin, Roscoe's brother.

His twin brother?

Aha! A reporter's power of deduction.

So, you know, I'm a reporter.

I know a lot of things.

Like, I know you're in a slump, and I know you're trying to find Roscoe...

Linking him to Frick's murder.

Or the fact that Frick was found in his storage unit

doesn't look good for Roscoe.

Well, what if I told you it wasn't Roscoe and it was someone else?

I'd say that's what I'd expect a close kin to try to convince me of.

Maybe so.

But I know my brother like I know myself.

Well, this guy's talking way too much.

I'm starving!

(♪)

Ah, Leon?

Ahhhh... What is it dumbass?

Nothin.

Is it just me? Or is that like a little saltier than last time?

No! No!

Hope you're not allergic to NUTS!

(♪)

(door chime)

(♪)

The police found found Ace's car

and cell phone at the bar, but no sign of him.

He goes nowhere

without his phone.

I got the video surveillance of The Barn.

Damn, it's too dark and grainy

to read the license plate.

Anything on the inside cameras?

Eeww! It's just Ace going into the stall and squatting.

What kind of bar has security cameras in the bathroom?

You have so much to learn about

Dirty neck, my dear.

What the... Is that a cowboy?

That cowboy sure is goofy looking.

That goofy looking cowboy looks like...

Like who?

Our friend of the mayor's office.

The mayor!

(phone alert)

You think he had Ace kidnapped?

Son-of-a...

What?

We've been out-scooped!

(♪)

Tip #123-H.

Roscoe was seen all dressed up at the Dippin' Donuts

drive-through,

without his hat no less.

Now that matches Tip #2E

Cuz Roscoe's hat was already found

at Twin Cypress Beach.

Where are you going next, Roscoe?

Where are you going next?

Hmm...

Maybe (♪)

I need to talk like Roscoe.

Think like Roscoe,

Oh ho ho ho... become Roscoe.

That's what I wanna do.

I wanna become Roscoe...

My popsicles!

My popsicles!

Deputy!

Tell me where the law says

I got to wash my hands

when I touch your popsicles.

Deputy Doug!

Who’ll touch your Popsicle now, with your dirty hands.

Your dirty nails!

I'm going touch Douglas!

Arghhh!

What the hell are you squawking about?

Ahh... I was just, um

trying to figure out where Roscoe went by channeling his

Well change the fucking channel.

While you were busy pretending to be a redneck mentalist,

someone else made inroads about what happened to Ace!

He was kidnapped by a cowboy?

Maybe...

If you didn't spend all your time scrapbooking your wall,

you could have done a thorough investigation at The Barn

and figured out where my brother is by now.

Now, Iris.

I tried to interview potential witnesses, but they were being reluctant,

difficult.

Well, this reporter, Deuce, was able to do something that you couldn't.

You're the police, for fuck's sake.

Do your fucking job!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! (♪)

She sure is a firecracker!

So, I agree,

there are just too many holes and not enough contractors to fix them.

If I find out who is knocking down walls in my town,

the full girth of my boot

is gonna find someone's ass.

That said, Mr. Um?

What was it again?

Uh, Dover.

But you can call me Ben.

Ben... I wish your new business success.

Well, thank you. That's very kind.

See, the problem is, Mr. Mayor

is it's your building department.

They keep denying all of my permit requests. I don't know what to do.

Right. Well, there is a vetting process

so that we can make sure the contractors don't do any shoddy work.

We can't have walls falling

on poor Meemaw passing by.

(Deuce chuckles) No, we can't.

Poor Meemaw.

So, let me ask you this, Mr. Mayor.

What can be done to just cruise through that vetting process?

Well,

as I mentioned earlier,

there's a small fee.

Hmm.

It does get expensive to run this town.

Yes, I can imagine.

Only a fee?

Plus 10% of all future business.

I see. (click)

I got a feeling that more walls

are going to fall down.

(laughing)

Raymond!

- Boss? - Aaugh!

Could you get this man an envelope?

Do you want letter sized or large?

Ahhhhh.

(chuckling)

One about yay-big.

With a window?

What do you mean, window?

One with the transparent window, so you can see what's inside.

No, definitely not

one that I can see inside of.

Do you want stamps?

Just get me a damn envelope

so that this man can put something in it

and then hand it to me.

And I cannot see what is inside of it.

Okay.

(chuckling)

Good help these days!

It's hard.

Yeah.

Not to me,

to him.

Thank you.

(nervous laughter)

There we go.

(laughing)

Well,

Mr. Dover!

As long as you keep your account active with this office,

your permit problems will be gone.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

This meeting could not have gone better.

Well,

you let me know if you need anything else.

You will be hearing from me.

You can count on that.

Boss! Arghhh!

Look at this story.

(♪)

What is? Who is this Deuce?

What the hell is this?

There were cameras at The Barn that night Ace went missing.

(♪)

Flamboyant cowboy!

Well, anyone be able to figure out that's you?

I don't know.

Will they be able to trace it back to me?

I don't know.

But if you didn't kidnap that damn reporter, then who did?

I don't know.

Regardless, we got to circle the wagons.

So if anybody asks, what do we tell them?

I don't know.

Exactly.

That was the first correct thing you've said all day.

Oh, thank you, boss.

(♪)

I don't give 20 fucks?

You got Deuce'd! Ben Dover...

What the hell?

RAYMOND!

(♪)

I'm gonna drop you off here.

Listen!

Take another look at that police report

and take a look at Roscoe's old girlfriend too. Chastity.

She was also working for Frick.

Chastity!

Yeah, she's moved out of town and no one's heard from her since.

Doesn't that sound a little suspicious?

Guess so.

And where is that coroner's report?

Hasn't been released yet.

You know,

my intuition tells me that

law enforcement is

missing all the important clues,

and they're looking in the wrong areas.

I think you should confront the Deputy.

Look into Chastity

and get that coroner's report.

If you want to know what happened to Frick, you have to retrace his steps.

You make it sound so easy.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

That's where that comes from.

See ya, Marvin.

(truck door slams, truck driving off)

Why drop me off way out here? (♪)

It's like he was avoiding the drive through town.

Well... Off to the Bullhorn it is.

So, Marvin is Roscoe's twin brother.

Talk about separated at birth.

And he wants me to find this Chastity.

How does he know that she's involved?

And this delay with the coroner's report?

Probably because it took two weeks for Frick's body to thaw.

And he hires Joey and Chandler,

Dirty Neck's own wannabe Goons-R-Us.

And to be honest, I still don't get it.

I mean what the hell is lemon-squeezy?

(♪)

(♪) Oh, how precious

this little cutie can't be more than a month old.

Two weeks this Friday.

Oh, well, you must be a proud daddy.

Well, not really.

Oh, what do you mean?

Oh, I'm not the daddy. It's my girlfriend's.

Oh!

She's not here.

She's at home recovering.

Oh, like post-partum?

Like a massive hangover.

Boys! Hot bar chick.

My friends here, they look thirsty.

Give them a refill.

Alright, Deuces wild!

The Deuce-inator!

Thank you for that tip about the security footage.

I mean, who knew a business could put a camera inside of a bathroom?

Florida, am I right?

We put a camera in there

because in one instance

What happens in the bathroom,

stays in the bathroom!

Hey... What up yokels!

That's an ugly baby.

Drinks on me.

Oh, I think they're fine

I took care of them.

Alright, drinks on you then.

Let me get somethin on his tab.

Yeah, go ahead, do that...

because I have all the money in the world.

Hi, how are you? I'm Deuce,

I'm the lead reporter of the Tribune.

I'll just leave that right here.

Talking about the Tribune where Ace used to work at?

Where Ace was fired from was more accurate.

Oh, it's not what I heard.

Maybe you should question the source.

Well if the action is so hot up there, what the hell you doing down here?

And where the hell is Ace?

Where is Ace at?

Oh, you haven't seen the latest, by yours truly.

See that, right there?

See that?

That's where Ace was getting abducted from this very parking lot last night.

Abducted?

Yeah, like taken.

By who?

Oh, by some flamboyant looking cowboy. I don't know.

This is his hat.

No! Do not put that on.

No, I'll put that on... look out... No stop that.

Hey man, can y'all stop playing around and just tell me

if anyone is out there looking for Ace.

I mean, I would, but I got

to watch this one right here.

And I have to keep an eye on this little one right here.

Dumbfucker and dumbfucker!

What about you, man?

Oh, I'm kinda on a break.

So, what needs to happen is

because I'll sit here and

what you need to do is, when you find him,

or find anything about him,

you can just call me because you've got my card.

I'll just give you. Hello.

Um.

(♪)

(door chime)

Hey, guys.

Ace! Are you alright?

Ohhhhhh!

Yeah! I need a shower.

You smell like sweat, piss, and soy sauce?

It's a long story.

Okay. Who was a cowboy?

And what did he want?

The Cowboy?

Uh huh.

The cowboy who cornered you in The Barn bathroom.

Was it a Brokeback Mountain thing?

Flamboyant cowboy.

Bathroom tryst.

Potential ass pounding in the back of a van.

Who writes salacious crap like this?

(clearing throat)

Oh, I only write factual stuff.

Okay, hold on, You've been telling me...

if we can't make the news happen-

Eh, ba, ba, ba, ba...

Seriously, who wrote this?

Look at the byline.

Deuce!

How did he get this?

Okay, hold on. He stopped here

the day you went missing. And he was looking for you.

But he didn't say why.

What did you tell him?

Nothing. And you're right.

He is a sphincter.

So, did Woody try to put a snake in your boot? (♪)

No.

Did you pull out his pistol?

No.

Did he pull out his pistol?

No

Did you ride the stallion?

Are you done yet?

One more.

Nope.

Back to, So where were you the past 24 hours?

Who kidnapped you and why?

I can't tell you now.

Alright, but let's just say it's a source for the stories that we've been working on.

Typical sources leave messages or ask questions.

They don't take you hostage.

Well, maybe they just wanted

a captive audience.

(chuckles)

Get it?

Because I was captive.

(laughing)

This is good stuff, guys.

I don't know why you don't get it.

Ace, you're in a slump.

Slump!

Slump!

I mean, maybe

nothing interesting has happened for the last

two weeks.

Oh, Ace.

They found your phone in the parking lot. It's cracked.

Oh, no. T.O. gave me such a good deal on this.

So, Mr. Ace Reporter,

are you going to finish your story, then?

Yes, I am going off to the scene of the crime.

Umm... Can I get a ride?

My car is at The Barn

Not mine.

You win!

I'd hose him off first.

He smells like my Uncle Roberto.

(chokes)

(♪)

(♪)

That was a quick drop off.

It wasn't a drop off. It was a pick up.

You really think I would drive around a little intoxicated

with the kid in the car?

That is mighty responsible.

Thank you.

The Uber driver just needed help letting me strapin in a car seat.

Good thing he had an extra bungee cord.

You can never have enough bungee cords.

Right.

You! Got a lot of nerve coming here.

The tabloid tabby returns. (music)

What’s your business here, Deuce?

I'm just enjoying the backwater charm of this butt-wart town.

What about you?

Last time we saw you, you were doing some Midnight Cowboy in the back of a van.

I was working on a story.

Heyyyy! Ace is back.

What I miss?

It's a shit-show showdown.

Really? What was the story about?

Does spit work as well as lube?

(laughter)

It doesn't.

I've seen your stories. Senseless drivel. Oh, yeah.

You're just jealous, because you know how popular they are.

Ha-Huh!

You just got lucky.

Listen, but seriously, with a better journalistic approach, you...

You mean your approach?

Oh, yeah.

My approach. You know it.

I know it.

And pretty soon,

everyone in this shitty

little town will know it too.

Well, this town

is my town.

And it ain't big enough for the both of us.

Pardner, you just gonna' have

to kick me out.

Alright. Alright.

Shit, Ace! You stink, man!

You smell like shit, bro.

You guys see this? The sidekick has to save the hero.

Aw, so you went there, too?

I did, Tonto. I did.

Ooh, Ooh, ooh, So scary. Scary. So scary.

So scary.

Got off me man, you stink.

You, you, you...

You can't help but to lose to me.

(laughing)

What are you talking about?

Check your phones.

You're going to love what comes next.

Hey, can I get a ride?

Dude, you're ruining my exit.

Look, listen. They left the baby on the stoop.

The goddamn driver just drove off.

Oh, yeah.

I'll give you a ride.

I wouldn't take that ride.

So tell me about this half girlfriend of yours.

She's a whole girlfriend. Oh, do tell.

Yeah. I'm the half boyfriend.

No!

Unbelievable!

This must suck for you, man.

He took your job, and he took your friends.

And you smell like shit.

I gotta get a drink, man.

So, Deuce wants a piece of my action.

I'll give him a piece.

(♪)