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89.7 WDJP Radio Florida. (radio voice, music)
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Welcome back to Conversations,
Coffee and Conspiracies.
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I'm here live with Aesop, Ace Anderson.
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The local news reporter who is responsible
for all of those viral stories you hear
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about the gentlemen who've been in unfortunate
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and sometimes gruesome mishaps.
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Yep, stupid people doing stupid things.
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Okay, so we have the groom and the golf club.
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The medical term was rectal impalement
with a punctured, descending colon.
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Oh, man, I'm eating here!
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The hunter who bragged about his gun locker
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being so huge that he could live in it
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who eventually got locked inside.
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Yeah, he tried to shoot off the lock,
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and then he shot his mouth
off, both figuratively and literally.
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And these are all coming from some
small backwater town called Dirty Neck?
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Yep. It's a fucked up place, per capita
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...that is.
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Fucked up!
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No one disparages my town, you little shit!
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We have found out that you got a
nickname there... It's called Flori-dude.
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I don't like to brag
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Try dipshit, Lamo-dude, dumb-ass.
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Peed the bed until he was 13.
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Mom had to pay kids to be his friend.
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Flori-dude
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I've got one word for you,
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Wall Holes!
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That's two words.
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You see how many there are driving around?
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They're popping up everywhere.
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Cement walls, brick walls, wood walls, barriers...
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Everywhere you go!
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Wall Holes!
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It's like people are hating on these walls.
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Reminds me of a story I had a couple of months ago,
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Florida man crashes while pissing in a beer bottle.
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Maybe everyone's just crappy drivers.
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...and no one seems to have the urge or need to fix them!
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Wall holes... I'll look into that for you.
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Okay, so let's take a quick break
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for our sponsor, Walls-R-Us Fencing.
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Good quality at reasonable prices!
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(♪, radio voice) “Got some
unwanted critters in your yard?”
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“Maybe the neighbors
taking inventory on your stuff.”
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“Or maybe you got a broken wall that needs fixin!”
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“Well, I got your solution.”
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“This is Wally Buckman with Walls-R-Us.”
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(phone ringing)
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(cursing in spanish)
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(cursing in spanish)
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Hey Ace!
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Parker!
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Hey, is Tonya still pissed at me?
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Ah... She always seems pissed.
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Yeah, but I mean, more than usual.
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Maybe because you miss your deadline. Again.
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Still no luck finding our friar-freezing felon,
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the elusive Roscoe.
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Oh, she had to sub in Oliver's
lame recounting of the Crochet Club's
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annual yarn fundraiser.
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Just tell Oliver to splash on a gripping headline
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like "Local Hookers Trying to Make Extra Cash"
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That's great!
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Well, you know what I always say,
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if we can't make the news happen...
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We can happen to make up the news!
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Good, grasshopper. Very good.
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I learned from the best!
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Aesop... (phone click)
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Out!
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Hmm... (♪)
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She must've went off to halt the presses.
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Can't have lame headlines.
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Hey, that's the second one I've passed.
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Somebody IS hating on these walls.
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(♪)
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I used to be somebody.
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In the big city.
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I shined the light of truth
on the city's seedy underbelly.
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Drug busts, dirty cops,
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greasy politicians, overzealous Karens?
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I was respected and feared.
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Even the local cartel “Jefes” had a name for me.
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El feo verdad!
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But it all fell apart.
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And now I'm back here, in my hometown
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(car horn beeping)
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in Florida.
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(♪)
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Why so glum?
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I thought you'd be happier than pig and shit with
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you shacking up with Sherri?
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Well, for our one week anniversary
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you told me to get her the
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Dirty Neck Super Coupon Book?
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Guaranteed bumpin' the pumpkin!
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A total of $435 value for $20
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Well, last night, she clipped the
two-for-one coupon to go to this Copper...
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No, Copper Cafe.
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And she was going to take some guy named Leonard.
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Who the hell is Leonard?
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Apparently some guy she met at her clinic.
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Is she dumping you?
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No, no, not exactly.
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I can still go see her on Tuesdays,
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Thursdays, and Saturdays.
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And Leonard gets her the other days.
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No, no. Just three.
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Friday night is her ladies night.
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They go to Willy Wiggler's.
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Hey, I got a brother in law that works there.
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His name is Hop-A-Long Cassidy.
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You guys talking about me?
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Flori-Dude turned radio star!
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What outrageous stories you working on now?
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Come on, you know what I always
say... You got to wait til they are posted.
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Oh, come on. There's got to be
something you can share with us.
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Yeah, what about the mayor?
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Yeah, surely you got some
dirty linen you were sniffing.
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(sniffing sounds)
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(vomit noises)
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Ha Ha... we got him!
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We got him!
Yeah, you got me.
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Now, if you'll excuse me.
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Got to go fix your make up for the radio?
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Don't forget your voice warm ups.
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How much was that hair?
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Exactly!
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Paste your mustache down.
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He's such a nice guy.
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I don’t think he likes us.
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I don't think he wants to be friends.
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That's not true.
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Everyone wants to be friends with us.
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Mary Sue, will you be our friend?
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(bathroom door slamming)
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Ahh... Where all the greats do their thinking.
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Let's see.
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Ooh, eight unread voicemails.
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That's anxiety provoking.
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Select all, delete all.
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That's better!
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(footsteps)
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Let's check out the old browsing history. Ooh!
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Delete, delete, delete.
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Favorite!
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Darn button-fly, so hard...
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(grunting) To get
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un-done!
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(laughs)
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(flushing)
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(footsteps)
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Can I help you?
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Don't forget to wash your hands,
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you don't want to be unsanitary.
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Mister Storyteller.
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That's you in there, ain't it?
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Depends who's asking.
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Listen here.
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I'm kindly asking you to pull
back your horns and lay off them
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tall tales about the mayor.
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(door hit)
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(phone hitting floor) Stop your jawing and listen up.
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No more stories
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about the Mayor.
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I’m gonna...
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You’re gonna what?
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I'm gonna
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(grunting)
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(thud)
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(squealing)
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(fast footsteps)
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(♪)
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Hop-a-Long!
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More like Skip-a-Long!
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(laughing)
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He's gonna fall.
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He’s gonna fall if he keep running that fast.
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Did you guys just see a cowboy?
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Come through here?
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You mean... Did we see a cowboy skedaddle through here?
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Guys, just answer me.
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Well, he ain’t much of a cowboy
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without his hat.
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You know what? Fuck it!
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I'm sure he'll come back. Right?
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(♪)
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Let's get drunk.
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Thirsty Friday!
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So our little old town mayor
got a hired gun to go after me
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because he doesn't like my stories?
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After I wet my whistle,
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it'll be back to business.
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Screw the mayor!
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And screw his cowboy stooge!
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You the Flori-Dude?
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I didn't think that name would actually stick.
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Good enough.
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Huh?
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(phone vibrating)
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(door chime)
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(conversation in spanish)
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May I help you?
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I believe you can.
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Probably in more ways than one.
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Let's start with the first
issue then see where this goes.
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I'm looking for an old friend of mine... Ace!
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He's not here.
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Probably on a story.
211
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You tried texting?
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Texted, called, emailed,
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carrier pigeon.
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(laughs)
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00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,867
Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to little ol' me.
216
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I can't imagine why.
217
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:10,149
Hey, is it hot in here?
218
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:13,686
Or is it just us?
219
00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:16,780
The name is Duesenberg.
220
00:09:16,822 --> 00:09:19,416
You can call me Deuce.
221
00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:21,485
Oh, the Douche bag!
222
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:24,030
(laughs)
223
00:09:24,096 --> 00:09:25,189
He has mentioned me.
224
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:28,200
Oh yeah, on many occasions.
225
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:29,493
Well, I would have thought so.
226
00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:33,673
I mean, I was a pretty big influence on his career.
227
00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:38,911
It's usually when we feature stories
about sphincters, so it's quite frequent.
228
00:09:38,978 --> 00:09:41,338
Sphincter.
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00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:43,107
That is a
230
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:44,875
funny, funny word.
231
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:48,254
We have much bigger things to work on,
232
00:09:48,354 --> 00:09:50,548
But this one's much more unusual
233
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with some very interesting twists and turns.
234
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Mmm, you are one fine looking chica!
235
00:09:59,565 --> 00:10:04,136
Okay, You can just leave your
number, and then just leave.
236
00:10:04,236 --> 00:10:05,863
Ssp, I have my card here.
237
00:10:05,905 --> 00:10:07,698
Here it is.
238
00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:10,501
Oh, no, look at that.
239
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:13,746
They're always itching to get out.
240
00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:15,706
Get them off my desk,
241
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:18,242
or you're going to lose the real ones!
242
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:18,884
(♪)
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00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:24,923
(laughs)
244
00:10:30,496 --> 00:10:32,590
You know, maybe I could
245
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,959
do a story on you sometime!
246
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:39,572
(sniffing) Is that your colon?
247
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,599
I can smell it from here.
248
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:45,211
(chokes)
249
00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:47,972
Ladies, it's been a pleasure.
250
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:50,674
The Deuce.. Ha Ha!
251
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Is loose.
252
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,587
(spraying)
253
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:58,424
That was good! Caught him off his game.
254
00:10:58,524 --> 00:11:00,918
What do you mean? Couldn't you smell that?
255
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,663
His cologne?
256
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:07,566
Still doesn't mask the piece of shit he is!
257
00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:10,636
By the way, have you heard from Ace?
258
00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:13,263
Nope since yesterday.
259
00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:15,599
He called me after his radio interview.
260
00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:17,835
Ugh! He's in a slump.
261
00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:20,604
Yeah. He just needs something big to happen.
262
00:11:20,646 --> 00:11:21,872
Whatever he's doing.
263
00:11:21,914 --> 00:11:24,508
I sure hope he keeps his head above water.
264
00:11:24,550 --> 00:11:25,676
Head above water.
265
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:26,810
Above water.
266
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,380
Water, water, (♪)
267
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,756
Water!
268
00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:32,358
Water!
269
00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:36,062
The water feels so nice today. (♪)
270
00:11:36,295 --> 00:11:38,422
No deadlines.
271
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:40,758
No worries.
272
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,969
Just me and my thoughts
273
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:47,039
floating alone.
274
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:56,449
Hey Ace! Mind if I join you?
275
00:11:56,549 --> 00:12:00,152
Did I say alone?
276
00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,780
Sure.
277
00:12:02,822 --> 00:12:06,350
If you don't mind getting wet.
278
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:06,992
(♪)
279
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:16,160
One is such a lonely number,
280
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:22,132
But just add this lovely blonde,
and this one becomes a two.
281
00:12:22,174 --> 00:12:24,944
(wobble sound)
282
00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:28,814
If we can somehow make this a menage-a-trois
283
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,407
by adding that brunette
284
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:32,676
from the...
285
00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:37,056
Howdy Pardner! It's a lovely
day for a swim, don't you think?
286
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:41,560
Hippity dee-doo, hippity doo-dee, hippity-
287
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:43,420
Don't you touch my tots, boy?
288
00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:48,033
No, not THAT brunette from the diner.
289
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:51,962
Nice floatees!
290
00:12:52,004 --> 00:12:52,644
(laughter)
291
00:13:02,381 --> 00:13:05,409
Wait, this has got to be a dream...
292
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:08,078
but when I dream about water.
293
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:12,291
That usually means I need to take a piss.
294
00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:13,250
Wake up!
295
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,418
Come on, Wake up!
296
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,354
Wake up, Ace! Wake up!
297
00:13:17,396 --> 00:13:17,996
(burp)
298
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,128
Oooooh!
299
00:13:24,170 --> 00:13:25,671
(chuckling)
300
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,397
Hey, he's awake.
301
00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:29,366
The garlic-szechuan worked!
302
00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:30,868
I could taste that!
303
00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:32,102
Hey, he's talking too.
304
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:34,772
I told you we didn't cause any brain damage, Leon!
305
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,716
Oye! Code names!
306
00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:39,176
What happened to your mask?
307
00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:41,445
I had to blow the garlic-szechuan in his face.
308
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:44,414
Stupido! Bro, now he can see your face.
309
00:13:44,456 --> 00:13:45,549
Does it really matter?
310
00:13:45,591 --> 00:13:46,316
Of course it matters.
311
00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:47,718
Now he can finger you!
312
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,087
Look! Nobody's fingering anybody!
313
00:13:50,129 --> 00:13:52,289
Who are you guys?
314
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:53,857
Wouldn't you like to know?
315
00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:56,160
Yeah, that's why I asked the question.
316
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:58,838
Whoa! Hey! You all right?
317
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:02,566
No, I am most definitely not alright.
318
00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:04,134
You guys knocked me over the head.
319
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:10,174
I'm tied to a chair being held hostage
by two goons, and I got to take a piss.
320
00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:13,911
Yeah. How's he going to take a piss tied to a chair?
321
00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:17,181
Huh, let me think about that.
322
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:17,948
Yeah.
323
00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,183
You think about that.
324
00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:21,351
Your boss is a lousy planner.
325
00:14:21,393 --> 00:14:22,619
Leon is my boss.
326
00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:23,487
(Spanish)
327
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:27,291
Alright, Joey is not my boss.
328
00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:28,792
We got code names.
329
00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:30,093
I'm Chandler.
330
00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:31,128
Chandler?
331
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:33,997
Yeah, from Friends. Like Leon wanted to be Joey,
332
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:35,065
and I hate Ross.
333
00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:37,668
Of course!
334
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:40,637
(Spanish)
335
00:14:40,679 --> 00:14:42,706
Why did you guys kidnap me?
336
00:14:42,748 --> 00:14:44,508
And why should I tell you?
337
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,077
Because I'm your captive audience.
338
00:14:47,119 --> 00:14:48,888
(laughing)
339
00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:51,682
He's a funny guy.
340
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,483
That's what my friends tell me.
341
00:14:53,525 --> 00:14:56,362
(Spanish) Apparently,
342
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:58,155
he said you're ghosting him.
343
00:14:58,197 --> 00:14:59,056
Boo!
344
00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:01,558
So he wanted to set up a meeting in person,
345
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:05,971
and the person we're talking about is?
346
00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:07,539
You're asking too many questions man.
347
00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:10,634
Mr. Wiggler appreciates your help
348
00:15:10,676 --> 00:15:14,680
in clearing up that little
misunderstanding at his club.
349
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,640
Yada, yada, yada.
350
00:15:16,682 --> 00:15:19,810
He sincerely apologizes as he was
351
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:23,689
unaware that the dancers dippin' their
352
00:15:23,789 --> 00:15:26,717
man-junk in chocolate syrup
353
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,753
was a health code violation.
354
00:15:29,795 --> 00:15:31,788
Man-junk! (shudders)
355
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,523
Not just a violation.
356
00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:35,659
Wasn’t he charging people?
357
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:37,327
$2 a lick.
358
00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:38,871
Disgusting!
359
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:42,341
Willy will graciously donate $200..
360
00:15:42,408 --> 00:15:43,967
$200?
361
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,811
$500?
362
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:46,970
Keep going.
363
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:51,116
$1,000 to your campaign.
364
00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:53,043
He's lucky we kept it quiet.
365
00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:56,789
You know, if the Bullhorn had gotten a hold
of this, there would have been a field day.
366
00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:58,348
Yes, sir.
367
00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:01,385
Speaking of the Bullhorn,
368
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:05,088
what are you going to do to keep
that reporter from harassing me?
369
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:06,732
Well, I...
370
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,802
I kinda.
371
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:10,994
What did you do?
372
00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:14,740
My idea was to intimidate him.
373
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,534
Intimidation! Yes!
374
00:16:17,576 --> 00:16:21,280
Just like in the old times. The mayor runs the town.
375
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:24,984
Schools, small businesses, police, the press.
376
00:16:25,084 --> 00:16:27,244
It all comes through me
377
00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:29,746
or nothing gets done.
378
00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:31,690
(laughter)
379
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:33,684
Wait a minute,
380
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,852
you said kinda?
381
00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:37,788
What happened?
382
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,565
(♪)
383
00:16:39,631 --> 00:16:42,192
Don't tell me you dressed up in
one of your silly disguises again.
384
00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:45,237
I'm sorry, boss.
385
00:16:45,471 --> 00:16:47,030
What was it this time?
386
00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:49,299
The biker?
387
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:50,000
The cop?
388
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:52,035
You know that'll get you in trouble!
389
00:16:52,077 --> 00:16:55,605
Cowboy this time!
390
00:16:55,647 --> 00:16:57,574
Raymond, I don't know
391
00:16:57,616 --> 00:16:59,710
if you're just an incompetent aide
392
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,111
or half the fucking Village People.
393
00:17:01,153 --> 00:17:04,715
Oh! Macho, Macho Man!
394
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:05,615
You got to be a
395
00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:08,452
Why don't you Y-M-C your ass out of here!
396
00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:11,488
Yes, boss.
397
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,290
Biker.
398
00:17:13,332 --> 00:17:15,258
Cowboy.
399
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,803
(phone ringing)
400
00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:18,595
The Bullhorn.
401
00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:21,565
Dirty Neck's news loud and clear. How can I help you?
402
00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:23,800
Yeah. This is Iris, Ace's sister.
403
00:17:23,842 --> 00:17:25,635
Hey, what's up? Iris, this is Parker.
404
00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:27,004
We spoke last week, remember?
405
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,139
Yeah, whatever. I need to speak to Ace.
406
00:17:29,181 --> 00:17:33,152
He's not answering his phone
and he's not answering his texts.
407
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:36,221
We spoke yesterday, but we haven't seen him since.
408
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,215
Don't you keep better track of your employees
409
00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:40,384
like, time their bathroom breaks or something?
410
00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:43,729
He's probably chasing leads on an important story.
411
00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:45,288
Important story?
412
00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:47,257
His stories are fucking trash.
413
00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:49,559
Oh, people love that trash.
414
00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:51,094
Did you catch Ace on the radio?
415
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,063
That was so cool.
416
00:17:53,105 --> 00:17:54,398
Cool?
417
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,443
Did you just say that being on the radio is cool?
418
00:17:57,543 --> 00:18:02,581
What am I, in fucking high school?
419
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:03,907
Hello?
420
00:18:03,949 --> 00:18:06,543
Iris?
421
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:07,444
Ace is right.
422
00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:09,079
She's a bitch.
423
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:12,124
More like a See-You-Next-Tuesday.
424
00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:14,017
What do you mean?
425
00:18:14,059 --> 00:18:15,685
You ready? (birds chirping)
426
00:18:15,727 --> 00:18:17,187
Check this out.
427
00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:21,400
You get this baby gone fast enough... and it goes right...
428
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,660
(thud) through the bottom of the chair.
429
00:18:23,702 --> 00:18:26,396
(laughter)
430
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,065
Oye! Why don't you go faster?
431
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,633
No, no, no, no, no.
432
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:32,044
The bounce back is a bitch.
433
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,971
Yeah, I walked funny all week.
434
00:18:35,013 --> 00:18:37,741
It didn't scar, but check this out. (unzip)
435
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,643
It swelled up.
436
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:40,677
Oh. Oh.
437
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,379
Lord.
438
00:18:42,421 --> 00:18:44,915
Guys, I'm just a reporter, not a cop. (zip)
439
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:45,615
Okay.
440
00:18:45,657 --> 00:18:48,485
You're a fucking pain in the ass man.
441
00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,353
When is your boss getting here?
442
00:18:50,395 --> 00:18:51,922
Yeah, Leon, when is he coming?
443
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,657
I want to get into the gator-pull tonight.
444
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:55,492
He'll be here soon. Okay.
445
00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:58,537
And now that you saw our faces, hotshot.
446
00:18:58,604 --> 00:18:59,262
Okay.
447
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:02,032
When their boss gets what he needs out of you.
448
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:06,078
Chandler and I, we're going to de-Friend you... for life.
449
00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:09,181
(Spanish)
450
00:19:09,381 --> 00:19:12,075
You're going to have to explain that to me.
451
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:13,343
Pile Driver!
452
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:15,312
Oh, fuck. Yeah.
453
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:17,347
Like the old days back in the circuit.
454
00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:19,382
Si!
455
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:21,685
Okay, fine. But I have to take a piss first.
456
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:24,254
(Spanish) That's the plan.
457
00:19:24,296 --> 00:19:25,188
Fine.
458
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:30,002
If the plan is for your boss to
meet me with soaking wet pantalones
459
00:19:30,068 --> 00:19:32,863
with a puddle of urine all over the floor, then great...
460
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:35,307
let's stick to that plan.
461
00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:38,201
Should I go buy a mop?
462
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:38,843
(♪)
463
00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:49,888
(phone vibrating)
464
00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:52,616
Stop calling me, Woman!
465
00:19:52,658 --> 00:19:55,194
(growling)
466
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:58,421
(growling)
467
00:19:58,463 --> 00:19:59,865
(phone vibrating)
468
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:02,659
Oh, you know,
469
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:03,693
Son-of-a..
470
00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:06,038
God...
471
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:08,899
Hey!
472
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:10,167
I'm sorry, Miss McGillicuddy.
473
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,368
You still got the moves.
474
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:12,536
Jackass!
475
00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:14,079
Answer the phone.
476
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:15,338
Answer the phone!
477
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,883
(phone vibrating)
478
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,009
Hello, Iris.
479
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,510
What do you want now?
480
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:21,945
What is that supposed to mean?
481
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:23,847
I mean,
482
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,949
what can I help you with today, Iris?
483
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:28,051
Is it the kids shooting off
484
00:20:28,093 --> 00:20:30,253
bottle rockets behind the warehouse again?
485
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:31,087
No, that's not...
486
00:20:31,129 --> 00:20:34,824
Is your neighbor still leaving his
trash cans out past Thursday again.
487
00:20:34,866 --> 00:20:35,825
No.
488
00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:40,205
Are the shopping carts still running
astray in the Shop-N-Sack parking lot?
489
00:20:40,272 --> 00:20:42,566
My brother Ace is missing.
490
00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:44,634
Your brother Ace missing?
491
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:46,036
Tell you the truth I ain't got a problem with that.
492
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,938
Normally, I wouldn't give a shit either, but
493
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:51,683
nobody's seen him since yesterday,
and he's not answering his phone or texts.
494
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:54,010
Oh, not responding to texts.
495
00:20:54,052 --> 00:20:56,112
Why that rude son of a bitch.
496
00:20:56,154 --> 00:20:57,847
Are you giving me shit?
497
00:20:57,889 --> 00:20:59,449
Or are you going to help me?
498
00:20:59,491 --> 00:21:03,153
I'm late for work and he's supposed to be kid-sitting
499
00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:07,165
Now... dodging your phone calls is not a crime, but ahhh,
500
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,559
I wish I thought of that
before taking this phone call.
501
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:11,861
I went by his place, and banged on his door.
502
00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:13,063
No answer.
503
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:16,108
All right, well, where was his last known location?
504
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:18,501
He texted me last night from The Barn.
505
00:21:18,543 --> 00:21:19,569
Oh, The Barn!
506
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:21,671
Well, how do you know he didn't meet some bar girl?
507
00:21:21,713 --> 00:21:23,707
You know,
508
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:25,909
Please! Those barn slop tarts
509
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:28,445
couldn't drink enough to
find that goober attractive.
510
00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:29,946
Tell you what.
511
00:21:29,988 --> 00:21:34,960
I'll swing by The Barn and make
some inquiries, see what I can find out.
512
00:21:35,193 --> 00:21:36,953
Swing by?
513
00:21:36,995 --> 00:21:40,423
No you go there now! Directly! Pronto!
514
00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:42,926
I am going to be fired!
515
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:45,562
All right,
516
00:21:45,604 --> 00:21:46,696
Will do.
517
00:21:46,738 --> 00:21:50,342
You have a good day, Iris.
518
00:21:50,409 --> 00:21:51,334
Frustrated bitch...
519
00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:53,003
I know what she needs.
520
00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:55,405
I can still hear you, Doug!
521
00:21:55,447 --> 00:21:58,408
Ahhhh, I mean,
522
00:21:58,450 --> 00:21:59,509
have a good day, Iris.
523
00:21:59,551 --> 00:22:01,878
I will swing by The Barn Pronto!
524
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,013
Yeah!
525
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:03,813
(phone click)
526
00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:04,455
(♪)
527
00:22:15,267 --> 00:22:20,138
So, she called me late last
night and said I could come over,
528
00:22:20,372 --> 00:22:22,432
You know, because Saturday is my day.
529
00:22:22,474 --> 00:22:24,434
Well, technically.
530
00:22:24,476 --> 00:22:25,935
Go on.
531
00:22:25,977 --> 00:22:30,573
Oh, she's all hot and horny, and
she's got some chocolate syrup on her.
532
00:22:30,615 --> 00:22:31,808
All over her ahhhh?
533
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:32,742
No!
534
00:22:32,784 --> 00:22:34,044
All down her ahhhh?
535
00:22:34,086 --> 00:22:35,178
No!
536
00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:38,315
(police radio chatter)
537
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:42,252
Hey Mildred, this is Deputy Doug.
538
00:22:42,294 --> 00:22:44,854
I'm here at The Barn, and I'm gonna
539
00:22:44,896 --> 00:22:47,957
ask some questions for that pain-in-the-butt Iris
540
00:22:47,999 --> 00:22:49,726
See if I can find her brother.
541
00:22:49,768 --> 00:22:51,194
All right?
542
00:22:51,236 --> 00:22:55,999
Can you pick me up some donuts on your way back?
543
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:59,478
(radio click) Yes!
544
00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:01,738
(♪) You mean, like everywhere?
545
00:23:01,780 --> 00:23:05,842
No, just some, you know, just some
globs on her face and cheeks and lips.
546
00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:11,823
But ahh, she did have some
thick juicy globs in her hair.
547
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:14,384
Globs? In her hair?
548
00:23:14,426 --> 00:23:15,285
Oh, yeah.
549
00:23:15,327 --> 00:23:17,354
I thought it was kind of hot and chocolaty.
550
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:19,622
Whatever rocks your boat.
551
00:23:19,664 --> 00:23:20,724
Hello boys!
552
00:23:20,766 --> 00:23:22,058
Afternoon Deputy!
553
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:23,259
Hey there Dougie!
554
00:23:23,301 --> 00:23:28,298
Say Ahhh, you boys ain't seen that
reporter dude Ace here lately? Have You?
555
00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:29,733
No, no.
556
00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:32,102
What about his buddy, T.O.?
557
00:23:32,144 --> 00:23:33,336
Where is T.O.?
558
00:23:33,378 --> 00:23:36,740
I hear he's busy at his ah... “manufacturing business”.
559
00:23:36,782 --> 00:23:38,475
(♪)
560
00:23:38,517 --> 00:23:41,987
Yeah, get some Arctic Blue in there.
561
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:46,658
This is what you call an operation,
562
00:23:46,725 --> 00:23:48,518
I'll get all the money
563
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:52,731
and then I get all the Hoe's.
564
00:23:52,831 --> 00:23:55,191
Oooh, there we go.
565
00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:58,228
Looking good!
566
00:23:58,270 --> 00:24:00,530
Hey, let me buy you a drink.
567
00:24:00,572 --> 00:24:04,367
Well, that's mighty kind of you, but I'm on duty.
568
00:24:04,409 --> 00:24:05,168
Oh, come on.
569
00:24:05,210 --> 00:24:09,806
Something cool like a White Russian or a creamsicle.
570
00:24:09,848 --> 00:24:12,475
That was years ago.
571
00:24:12,517 --> 00:24:14,010
Remember that story I told you about a kid
572
00:24:14,052 --> 00:24:15,879
I made laugh so hard,
573
00:24:15,921 --> 00:24:19,458
he shot milk out his nose and
half spray puked the whole class.
574
00:24:19,558 --> 00:24:21,785
Well, that was ol' Dougie here.
575
00:24:21,827 --> 00:24:23,586
(laughing)
576
00:24:23,628 --> 00:24:26,198
That was the second grade.
577
00:24:26,331 --> 00:24:29,492
I was lactose intolerant for years after that.
578
00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:31,428
The kid pee’d himself, too. That was you?
579
00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:33,872
That was not proven.
580
00:24:34,906 --> 00:24:37,267
Everything was all wet.
581
00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:40,879
And you still don't have control
of all your facilities at that age.
582
00:24:40,979 --> 00:24:42,071
Yeah. Yeah.
583
00:24:42,113 --> 00:24:44,908
Well, let's let bygones be bygones, okay?
584
00:24:44,950 --> 00:24:46,209
Let me.
585
00:24:46,251 --> 00:24:48,044
Let me buy you a beer.
586
00:24:48,086 --> 00:24:49,012
Thank you.
587
00:24:49,054 --> 00:24:50,613
You know what...
588
00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:52,449
How about a milk stout?
589
00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:53,416
Stop it.
590
00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:54,984
Stop it.
591
00:24:55,026 --> 00:24:58,864
If you boys are going to
continue to be uncooperative.
592
00:24:58,930 --> 00:25:00,857
Oh, come on. We can make it chocolate.
593
00:25:00,899 --> 00:25:02,859
I do not have to deal with this.
594
00:25:02,901 --> 00:25:05,303
I hear milk makes the bladder go.
595
00:25:05,403 --> 00:25:07,397
They got almond milk now.
596
00:25:07,439 --> 00:25:08,531
Banana milk.
597
00:25:08,573 --> 00:25:10,066
I’ll catch you drunk... pull you over!
598
00:25:10,108 --> 00:25:12,202
Ok... Soy Boy.
599
00:25:12,244 --> 00:25:15,339
You got to pee, bro.
Okay.
600
00:25:15,381 --> 00:25:17,774
You did a good job getting me
here, but you gotta unzip me.
601
00:25:17,816 --> 00:25:18,975
Unzip you?
602
00:25:19,017 --> 00:25:20,410
Yeah, and then pull it out.
603
00:25:20,452 --> 00:25:21,845
Pull what out?
604
00:25:21,887 --> 00:25:22,545
It!
605
00:25:22,587 --> 00:25:23,379
It?
606
00:25:23,421 --> 00:25:25,048
Yeah!, It's not going to pull itself out.
607
00:25:25,090 --> 00:25:26,249
I'm not gonna do that.
608
00:25:26,291 --> 00:25:27,550
Untie me.
609
00:25:27,592 --> 00:25:28,985
I'm not gonna do that either.
610
00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:31,020
Well, then you could have left me back
in the other room because it's coming
611
00:25:31,062 --> 00:25:32,422
any second.
612
00:25:32,464 --> 00:25:33,523
Wait, I got an idea.
613
00:25:33,565 --> 00:25:34,924
Oooh hurry up!
614
00:25:34,966 --> 00:25:35,566
(♪)
615
00:25:41,006 --> 00:25:41,965
Get those out of here.
616
00:25:42,007 --> 00:25:44,009
I'm not going to use my fingers.
617
00:25:45,810 --> 00:25:47,546
Ok, I better not get a splinter.
618
00:25:48,046 --> 00:25:49,840
All right, Just hold still.
Hold.
619
00:25:49,882 --> 00:25:52,017
(zip)
620
00:25:52,951 --> 00:25:53,843
Yeah.
621
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:56,212
Be careful... Owww!
622
00:25:56,254 --> 00:25:58,381
I mean is there even anything in there?
623
00:25:58,423 --> 00:26:00,458
You stabbed my thigh!
624
00:26:01,092 --> 00:26:02,151
That's my scrotum!
625
00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:04,487
Ok. I got it, I got it.
626
00:26:04,529 --> 00:26:05,488
You're pinching.
627
00:26:05,530 --> 00:26:06,789
No no... hold on, hold on.
628
00:26:06,831 --> 00:26:07,490
I can’t!
629
00:26:07,532 --> 00:26:08,132
(pee’ing)
630
00:26:24,716 --> 00:26:27,443
What have I done with my life?
631
00:26:27,485 --> 00:26:28,085
(pee’ing)
632
00:26:32,991 --> 00:26:34,651
Can you shake it off for me.
633
00:26:34,693 --> 00:26:39,088
(♪)
634
00:26:39,130 --> 00:26:41,591
I did not pee myself.
635
00:26:41,633 --> 00:26:42,759
I was..
636
00:26:42,801 --> 00:26:43,401
(♪)
637
00:26:52,510 --> 00:26:57,840
(phone beeps)
638
00:26:57,882 --> 00:27:00,243
(phone ringing)
639
00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:03,146
Ace! Where the fuck are you?
640
00:27:03,188 --> 00:27:05,048
It's not Ace, it's Doug.
641
00:27:05,090 --> 00:27:07,050
Why are you calling me on Ace's phone?
642
00:27:07,092 --> 00:27:10,253
Well, I found it in the barn
parking lot whilst looking for him.
643
00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:12,364
And where the fuck is he?
644
00:27:12,430 --> 00:27:13,489
I'm trying to figure that out.
645
00:27:13,531 --> 00:27:14,891
What kind of car does he drive?
646
00:27:14,933 --> 00:27:17,493
Lately it's been a red Mustang.
647
00:27:17,535 --> 00:27:20,897
Looks like he left it here in
The Barn parking lot last night.
648
00:27:20,939 --> 00:27:22,732
And why would he do that?
649
00:27:22,774 --> 00:27:26,411
Well, if he were here, I'd ask him, but he's not, so I can't.
650
00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:29,973
You are worthless!
651
00:27:30,015 --> 00:27:33,385
(phone hangs up)
652
00:27:33,451 --> 00:27:35,011
Bitch!
653
00:27:35,053 --> 00:27:39,124
(♪)
654
00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:42,719
You know, you were much
more gentler tucking it back in.
655
00:27:42,761 --> 00:27:45,021
Well, once you get a little practice
656
00:27:45,063 --> 00:27:46,956
it's kinda like handling a spring roll.
657
00:27:46,998 --> 00:27:48,291
Easy peasy!
658
00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,870
Dude, where do you think that saying comes from?
659
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:57,634
I asked you to arrange a meeting
660
00:27:57,676 --> 00:28:00,203
and you bring me to this shithole!
661
00:28:00,245 --> 00:28:04,540
You said you want us to give him... “the treatment!”
662
00:28:04,582 --> 00:28:06,743
(Spanish)
663
00:28:06,785 --> 00:28:08,511
What the hell?
664
00:28:08,553 --> 00:28:12,348
Why is he tied to a chair?
665
00:28:12,390 --> 00:28:13,616
You said to extend
666
00:28:13,658 --> 00:28:16,327
your, “southern hospitality!”
667
00:28:16,995 --> 00:28:20,123
This is considered southern hospitality?
668
00:28:20,165 --> 00:28:23,693
Well I thought you meant
southern hospitality like a...
669
00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:25,428
a you,
670
00:28:25,470 --> 00:28:26,396
a you-fa
671
00:28:26,438 --> 00:28:27,630
(Spanish)
672
00:28:27,672 --> 00:28:28,931
A euphemism.
673
00:28:28,973 --> 00:28:35,038
Si... Gracias! Yeah, a euphemism for...
674
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,141
Para! What are we talking about?
675
00:28:38,183 --> 00:28:39,042
Oh, my God.
676
00:28:39,084 --> 00:28:41,144
I just wanted a meeting.
677
00:28:41,186 --> 00:28:43,621
Untie him.
678
00:28:44,255 --> 00:28:45,715
Sorry poppy!
679
00:28:45,757 --> 00:28:47,183
It won't happen again. Ok?
680
00:28:47,225 --> 00:28:49,185
Hey.. I’m sorry, man.
681
00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:50,053
It's all right.
682
00:28:50,095 --> 00:28:52,997
We shared some good times together.
683
00:28:53,631 --> 00:28:54,757
Hello, Ace.
684
00:28:54,799 --> 00:28:57,769
(♪)
685
00:28:58,369 --> 00:28:59,328
Roscoe?
686
00:28:59,370 --> 00:28:59,970
(♪)
45976
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