Original subtitles

89.7 WDJP Radio Florida. (radio voice, music)

Welcome back to Conversations, Coffee and Conspiracies.

I'm here live with Aesop, Ace Anderson.

The local news reporter who is responsible for all of those viral stories you hear

about the gentlemen who've been in unfortunate

and sometimes gruesome mishaps.

Yep, stupid people doing stupid things.

Okay, so we have the groom and the golf club.

The medical term was rectal impalement with a punctured, descending colon.

Oh, man, I'm eating here!

The hunter who bragged about his gun locker

being so huge that he could live in it

who eventually got locked inside.

Yeah, he tried to shoot off the lock,

and then he shot his mouth off, both figuratively and literally.

And these are all coming from some small backwater town called Dirty Neck?

Yep. It's a fucked up place, per capita

...that is.

Fucked up!

No one disparages my town, you little shit!

We have found out that you got a nickname there... It's called Flori-dude.

I don't like to brag

Try dipshit, Lamo-dude, dumb-ass.

Peed the bed until he was 13.

Mom had to pay kids to be his friend.

Flori-dude

I've got one word for you,

Wall Holes!

That's two words.

You see how many there are driving around?

They're popping up everywhere.

Cement walls, brick walls, wood walls, barriers...

Everywhere you go!

Wall Holes!

It's like people are hating on these walls.

Reminds me of a story I had a couple of months ago,

Florida man crashes while pissing in a beer bottle.

Maybe everyone's just crappy drivers.

...and no one seems to have the urge or need to fix them!

Wall holes... I'll look into that for you.

Okay, so let's take a quick break

for our sponsor, Walls-R-Us Fencing.

Good quality at reasonable prices!

(♪, radio voice) “Got some unwanted critters in your yard?”

“Maybe the neighbors taking inventory on your stuff.”

“Or maybe you got a broken wall that needs fixin!”

“Well, I got your solution.”

“This is Wally Buckman with Walls-R-Us.”

(phone ringing)

(cursing in spanish)

(cursing in spanish)

Hey Ace!

Parker!

Hey, is Tonya still pissed at me?

Ah... She always seems pissed.

Yeah, but I mean, more than usual.

Maybe because you miss your deadline. Again.

Still no luck finding our friar-freezing felon,

the elusive Roscoe.

Oh, she had to sub in Oliver's lame recounting of the Crochet Club's

annual yarn fundraiser.

Just tell Oliver to splash on a gripping headline

like "Local Hookers Trying to Make Extra Cash"

That's great!

Well, you know what I always say,

if we can't make the news happen...

We can happen to make up the news!

Good, grasshopper. Very good.

I learned from the best!

Aesop... (phone click)

Out!

Hmm... (♪)

She must've went off to halt the presses.

Can't have lame headlines.

Hey, that's the second one I've passed.

Somebody IS hating on these walls.

(♪)

I used to be somebody.

In the big city.

I shined the light of truth on the city's seedy underbelly.

Drug busts, dirty cops,

greasy politicians, overzealous Karens?

I was respected and feared.

Even the local cartel “Jefes” had a name for me.

El feo verdad!

But it all fell apart.

And now I'm back here, in my hometown

(car horn beeping)

in Florida.

(♪)

Why so glum?

I thought you'd be happier than pig and shit with

you shacking up with Sherri?

Well, for our one week anniversary

you told me to get her the

Dirty Neck Super Coupon Book?

Guaranteed bumpin' the pumpkin!

A total of $435 value for $20

Well, last night, she clipped the two-for-one coupon to go to this Copper...

No, Copper Cafe.

And she was going to take some guy named Leonard.

Who the hell is Leonard?

Apparently some guy she met at her clinic.

Is she dumping you?

No, no, not exactly.

I can still go see her on Tuesdays,

Thursdays, and Saturdays.

And Leonard gets her the other days.

No, no. Just three.

Friday night is her ladies night.

They go to Willy Wiggler's.

Hey, I got a brother in law that works there.

His name is Hop-A-Long Cassidy.

You guys talking about me?

Flori-Dude turned radio star!

What outrageous stories you working on now?

Come on, you know what I always say... You got to wait til they are posted.

Oh, come on. There's got to be something you can share with us.

Yeah, what about the mayor?

Yeah, surely you got some dirty linen you were sniffing.

(sniffing sounds)

(vomit noises)

Ha Ha... we got him!

We got him! Yeah, you got me.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Got to go fix your make up for the radio?

Don't forget your voice warm ups.

How much was that hair?

Exactly!

Paste your mustache down.

He's such a nice guy.

I don’t think he likes us.

I don't think he wants to be friends.

That's not true.

Everyone wants to be friends with us.

Mary Sue, will you be our friend?

(bathroom door slamming)

Ahh... Where all the greats do their thinking.

Let's see.

Ooh, eight unread voicemails.

That's anxiety provoking.

Select all, delete all.

That's better!

(footsteps)

Let's check out the old browsing history. Ooh!

Delete, delete, delete.

Favorite!

Darn button-fly, so hard...

(grunting) To get

un-done!

(laughs)

(flushing)

(footsteps)

Can I help you?

Don't forget to wash your hands,

you don't want to be unsanitary.

Mister Storyteller.

That's you in there, ain't it?

Depends who's asking.

Listen here.

I'm kindly asking you to pull back your horns and lay off them

tall tales about the mayor.

(door hit)

(phone hitting floor) Stop your jawing and listen up.

No more stories

about the Mayor.

I’m gonna...

You’re gonna what?

I'm gonna

(grunting)

(thud)

(squealing)

(fast footsteps)

(♪)

Hop-a-Long!

More like Skip-a-Long!

(laughing)

He's gonna fall.

He’s gonna fall if he keep running that fast.

Did you guys just see a cowboy?

Come through here?

You mean... Did we see a cowboy skedaddle through here?

Guys, just answer me.

Well, he ain’t much of a cowboy

without his hat.

You know what? Fuck it!

I'm sure he'll come back. Right?

(♪)

Let's get drunk.

Thirsty Friday!

So our little old town mayor got a hired gun to go after me

because he doesn't like my stories?

After I wet my whistle,

it'll be back to business.

Screw the mayor!

And screw his cowboy stooge!

You the Flori-Dude?

I didn't think that name would actually stick.

Good enough.

Huh?

(phone vibrating)

(door chime)

(conversation in spanish)

May I help you?

I believe you can.

Probably in more ways than one.

Let's start with the first issue then see where this goes.

I'm looking for an old friend of mine... Ace!

He's not here.

Probably on a story.

You tried texting?

Texted, called, emailed,

carrier pigeon.

(laughs)

Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to little ol' me.

I can't imagine why.

Hey, is it hot in here?

Or is it just us?

The name is Duesenberg.

You can call me Deuce.

Oh, the Douche bag!

(laughs)

He has mentioned me.

Oh yeah, on many occasions.

Well, I would have thought so.

I mean, I was a pretty big influence on his career.

It's usually when we feature stories about sphincters, so it's quite frequent.

Sphincter.

That is a

funny, funny word.

We have much bigger things to work on,

But this one's much more unusual

with some very interesting twists and turns.

Mmm, you are one fine looking chica!

Okay, You can just leave your number, and then just leave.

Ssp, I have my card here.

Here it is.

Oh, no, look at that.

They're always itching to get out.

Get them off my desk,

or you're going to lose the real ones!

(♪)

(laughs)

You know, maybe I could

do a story on you sometime!

(sniffing) Is that your colon?

I can smell it from here.

(chokes)

Ladies, it's been a pleasure.

The Deuce.. Ha Ha!

Is loose.

(spraying)

That was good! Caught him off his game.

What do you mean? Couldn't you smell that?

His cologne?

Still doesn't mask the piece of shit he is!

By the way, have you heard from Ace?

Nope since yesterday.

He called me after his radio interview.

Ugh! He's in a slump.

Yeah. He just needs something big to happen.

Whatever he's doing.

I sure hope he keeps his head above water.

Head above water.

Above water.

Water, water, (♪)

Water!

Water!

The water feels so nice today. (♪)

No deadlines.

No worries.

Just me and my thoughts

floating alone.

Hey Ace! Mind if I join you?

Did I say alone?

Sure.

If you don't mind getting wet.

(♪)

One is such a lonely number,

But just add this lovely blonde, and this one becomes a two.

(wobble sound)

If we can somehow make this a menage-a-trois

by adding that brunette

from the...

Howdy Pardner! It's a lovely day for a swim, don't you think?

Hippity dee-doo, hippity doo-dee, hippity-

Don't you touch my tots, boy?

No, not THAT brunette from the diner.

Nice floatees!

(laughter)

Wait, this has got to be a dream...

but when I dream about water.

That usually means I need to take a piss.

Wake up!

Come on, Wake up!

Wake up, Ace! Wake up!

(burp)

Oooooh!

(chuckling)

Hey, he's awake.

The garlic-szechuan worked!

I could taste that!

Hey, he's talking too.

I told you we didn't cause any brain damage, Leon!

Oye! Code names!

What happened to your mask?

I had to blow the garlic-szechuan in his face.

Stupido! Bro, now he can see your face.

Does it really matter?

Of course it matters.

Now he can finger you!

Look! Nobody's fingering anybody!

Who are you guys?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Yeah, that's why I asked the question.

Whoa! Hey! You all right?

No, I am most definitely not alright.

You guys knocked me over the head.

I'm tied to a chair being held hostage by two goons, and I got to take a piss.

Yeah. How's he going to take a piss tied to a chair?

Huh, let me think about that.

Yeah.

You think about that.

Your boss is a lousy planner.

Leon is my boss.

(Spanish)

Alright, Joey is not my boss.

We got code names.

I'm Chandler.

Chandler?

Yeah, from Friends. Like Leon wanted to be Joey,

and I hate Ross.

Of course!

(Spanish)

Why did you guys kidnap me?

And why should I tell you?

Because I'm your captive audience.

(laughing)

He's a funny guy.

That's what my friends tell me.

(Spanish) Apparently,

he said you're ghosting him.

Boo!

So he wanted to set up a meeting in person,

and the person we're talking about is?

You're asking too many questions man.

Mr. Wiggler appreciates your help

in clearing up that little misunderstanding at his club.

Yada, yada, yada.

He sincerely apologizes as he was

unaware that the dancers dippin' their

man-junk in chocolate syrup

was a health code violation.

Man-junk! (shudders)

Not just a violation.

Wasn’t he charging people?

$2 a lick.

Disgusting!

Willy will graciously donate $200..

$200?

$500?

Keep going.

$1,000 to your campaign.

He's lucky we kept it quiet.

You know, if the Bullhorn had gotten a hold of this, there would have been a field day.

Yes, sir.

Speaking of the Bullhorn,

what are you going to do to keep that reporter from harassing me?

Well, I...

I kinda.

What did you do?

My idea was to intimidate him.

Intimidation! Yes!

Just like in the old times. The mayor runs the town.

Schools, small businesses, police, the press.

It all comes through me

or nothing gets done.

(laughter)

Wait a minute,

you said kinda?

What happened?

(♪)

Don't tell me you dressed up in one of your silly disguises again.

I'm sorry, boss.

What was it this time?

The biker?

The cop?

You know that'll get you in trouble!

Cowboy this time!

Raymond, I don't know

if you're just an incompetent aide

or half the fucking Village People.

Oh! Macho, Macho Man!

You got to be a

Why don't you Y-M-C your ass out of here!

Yes, boss.

Biker.

Cowboy.

(phone ringing)

The Bullhorn.

Dirty Neck's news loud and clear. How can I help you?

Yeah. This is Iris, Ace's sister.

Hey, what's up? Iris, this is Parker.

We spoke last week, remember?

Yeah, whatever. I need to speak to Ace.

He's not answering his phone and he's not answering his texts.

We spoke yesterday, but we haven't seen him since.

Don't you keep better track of your employees

like, time their bathroom breaks or something?

He's probably chasing leads on an important story.

Important story?

His stories are fucking trash.

Oh, people love that trash.

Did you catch Ace on the radio?

That was so cool.

Cool?

Did you just say that being on the radio is cool?

What am I, in fucking high school?

Hello?

Iris?

Ace is right.

She's a bitch.

More like a See-You-Next-Tuesday.

What do you mean?

You ready? (birds chirping)

Check this out.

You get this baby gone fast enough... and it goes right...

(thud) through the bottom of the chair.

(laughter)

Oye! Why don't you go faster?

No, no, no, no, no.

The bounce back is a bitch.

Yeah, I walked funny all week.

It didn't scar, but check this out. (unzip)

It swelled up.

Oh. Oh.

Lord.

Guys, I'm just a reporter, not a cop. (zip)

Okay.

You're a fucking pain in the ass man.

When is your boss getting here?

Yeah, Leon, when is he coming?

I want to get into the gator-pull tonight.

He'll be here soon. Okay.

And now that you saw our faces, hotshot.

Okay.

When their boss gets what he needs out of you.

Chandler and I, we're going to de-Friend you... for life.

(Spanish)

You're going to have to explain that to me.

Pile Driver!

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Like the old days back in the circuit.

Si!

Okay, fine. But I have to take a piss first.

(Spanish) That's the plan.

Fine.

If the plan is for your boss to meet me with soaking wet pantalones

with a puddle of urine all over the floor, then great...

let's stick to that plan.

Should I go buy a mop?

(♪)

(phone vibrating)

Stop calling me, Woman!

(growling)

(growling)

(phone vibrating)

Oh, you know,

Son-of-a..

God...

Hey!

I'm sorry, Miss McGillicuddy.

You still got the moves.

Jackass!

Answer the phone.

Answer the phone!

(phone vibrating)

Hello, Iris.

What do you want now?

What is that supposed to mean?

I mean,

what can I help you with today, Iris?

Is it the kids shooting off

bottle rockets behind the warehouse again?

No, that's not...

Is your neighbor still leaving his trash cans out past Thursday again.

No.

Are the shopping carts still running astray in the Shop-N-Sack parking lot?

My brother Ace is missing.

Your brother Ace missing?

Tell you the truth I ain't got a problem with that.

Normally, I wouldn't give a shit either, but

nobody's seen him since yesterday, and he's not answering his phone or texts.

Oh, not responding to texts.

Why that rude son of a bitch.

Are you giving me shit?

Or are you going to help me?

I'm late for work and he's supposed to be kid-sitting

Now... dodging your phone calls is not a crime, but ahhh,

I wish I thought of that before taking this phone call.

I went by his place, and banged on his door.

No answer.

All right, well, where was his last known location?

He texted me last night from The Barn.

Oh, The Barn!

Well, how do you know he didn't meet some bar girl?

You know,

Please! Those barn slop tarts

couldn't drink enough to find that goober attractive.

Tell you what.

I'll swing by The Barn and make some inquiries, see what I can find out.

Swing by?

No you go there now! Directly! Pronto!

I am going to be fired!

All right,

Will do.

You have a good day, Iris.

Frustrated bitch...

I know what she needs.

I can still hear you, Doug!

Ahhhh, I mean,

have a good day, Iris.

I will swing by The Barn Pronto!

Yeah!

(phone click)

(♪)

So, she called me late last night and said I could come over,

You know, because Saturday is my day.

Well, technically.

Go on.

Oh, she's all hot and horny, and she's got some chocolate syrup on her.

All over her ahhhh?

No!

All down her ahhhh?

No!

(police radio chatter)

Hey Mildred, this is Deputy Doug.

I'm here at The Barn, and I'm gonna

ask some questions for that pain-in-the-butt Iris

See if I can find her brother.

All right?

Can you pick me up some donuts on your way back?

(radio click) Yes!

(♪) You mean, like everywhere?

No, just some, you know, just some globs on her face and cheeks and lips.

But ahh, she did have some thick juicy globs in her hair.

Globs? In her hair?

Oh, yeah.

I thought it was kind of hot and chocolaty.

Whatever rocks your boat.

Hello boys!

Afternoon Deputy!

Hey there Dougie!

Say Ahhh, you boys ain't seen that reporter dude Ace here lately? Have You?

No, no.

What about his buddy, T.O.?

Where is T.O.?

I hear he's busy at his ah... “manufacturing business”.

(♪)

Yeah, get some Arctic Blue in there.

This is what you call an operation,

I'll get all the money

and then I get all the Hoe's.

Oooh, there we go.

Looking good!

Hey, let me buy you a drink.

Well, that's mighty kind of you, but I'm on duty.

Oh, come on.

Something cool like a White Russian or a creamsicle.

That was years ago.

Remember that story I told you about a kid

I made laugh so hard,

he shot milk out his nose and half spray puked the whole class.

Well, that was ol' Dougie here.

(laughing)

That was the second grade.

I was lactose intolerant for years after that.

The kid pee’d himself, too. That was you?

That was not proven.

Everything was all wet.

And you still don't have control of all your facilities at that age.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, let's let bygones be bygones, okay?

Let me.

Let me buy you a beer.

Thank you.

You know what...

How about a milk stout?

Stop it.

Stop it.

If you boys are going to continue to be uncooperative.

Oh, come on. We can make it chocolate.

I do not have to deal with this.

I hear milk makes the bladder go.

They got almond milk now.

Banana milk.

I’ll catch you drunk... pull you over!

Ok... Soy Boy.

You got to pee, bro. Okay.

You did a good job getting me here, but you gotta unzip me.

Unzip you?

Yeah, and then pull it out.

Pull what out?

It!

It?

Yeah!, It's not going to pull itself out.

I'm not gonna do that.

Untie me.

I'm not gonna do that either.

Well, then you could have left me back in the other room because it's coming

any second.

Wait, I got an idea.

Oooh hurry up!

(♪)

Get those out of here.

I'm not going to use my fingers.

Ok, I better not get a splinter.

All right, Just hold still. Hold.

(zip)

Yeah.

Be careful... Owww!

I mean is there even anything in there?

You stabbed my thigh!

That's my scrotum!

Ok. I got it, I got it.

You're pinching.

No no... hold on, hold on.

I can’t!

(pee’ing)

What have I done with my life?

(pee’ing)

Can you shake it off for me.

(♪)

I did not pee myself.

I was..

(♪)

(phone beeps)

(phone ringing)

Ace! Where the fuck are you?

It's not Ace, it's Doug.

Why are you calling me on Ace's phone?

Well, I found it in the barn parking lot whilst looking for him.

And where the fuck is he?

I'm trying to figure that out.

What kind of car does he drive?

Lately it's been a red Mustang.

Looks like he left it here in The Barn parking lot last night.

And why would he do that?

Well, if he were here, I'd ask him, but he's not, so I can't.

You are worthless!

(phone hangs up)

Bitch!

(♪)

You know, you were much more gentler tucking it back in.

Well, once you get a little practice

it's kinda like handling a spring roll.

Easy peasy!

Dude, where do you think that saying comes from?

I asked you to arrange a meeting

and you bring me to this shithole!

You said you want us to give him... “the treatment!”

(Spanish)

What the hell?

Why is he tied to a chair?

You said to extend

your, “southern hospitality!”

This is considered southern hospitality?

Well I thought you meant southern hospitality like a...

a you,

a you-fa

(Spanish)

A euphemism.

Si... Gracias! Yeah, a euphemism for...

Para! What are we talking about?

Oh, my God.

I just wanted a meeting.

Untie him.

Sorry poppy!

It won't happen again. Ok?

Hey.. I’m sorry, man.

It's all right.

We shared some good times together.

Hello, Ace.

(♪)

Roscoe?

(♪)