Original subtitles

And I'm feeling

No way.

I don't care if half the airline is sick.

I've had this weekend booked forever. I am not available.

Goodbye.

You look... Is it OK?

I need a cream. I wasn't sure if it was too pale. Go upstairs and get changed.

Don't change a thing.

Are you sure I haven't forgotten everything?

Like the kitchen sink?

You think I've bought too much?

I just want it to be perfect.

Me too.

I'm in trouble finding a hotel.

I have to pay double.

For the honeymoon suite.

Lock up your sons and take your drugs. The bell of fresh air is coming to

Brighton.

Gay Pride Virgin, I hear, Captain.

What's going on?

Please, Nigel, I said we'd help.

It's Gay Pride in Brighton and they've got no money to get there.

You can call it your good deed for the day. We'll just drop them off and then

can have the whole weekend to ourselves.

Please?

Um... OK.

And get that penis inside the car.

OK, yeah.

Didn't expect to see you till next week.

I got called back early because of gay pride.

Oh, right, yeah.

Oh, my God!

Ed Russell!

How long has it been since we last flew together? This is going to be so fun!

Are you quite finished?

This isn't Friends Reunited. We do have a flight.

I'm Gina.

Who are you?

Puppy.

How you doing, madam?

So how have you been?

You know, I was a little bit worried when I didn't hear anything.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Eddie, you go and work with Satan.

I want a chance to get to know Puppy.

You bitch.

Excuse me? Ed, it's only the best eye candy in the whole of this airline.

And a little birdie tells me you've bagged him.

Anything from the trolley, sir?

I don't even know if that's true anymore.

Oh, don't worry, darling. A man with a teapot so doesn't do it for me. But it

doesn't bother you. Nice one.

Apparently, he goes mad for a shaven haven.

Is she the most annoying person ever to have lived?

Come on, she's not that bad.

She'd be a good laugh.

What do you think?

Sexy or what?

That rich, she's a lucky guy. Richard?

He's long gone.

Devastated, but it just wasn't meant to be.

Now, this is the man I'm going to marry.

Yeah, that's Richard.

No, not Richard. Him.

Who's he, then? I have absolutely no idea.

But he's the reason I got myself rostered to Alicante.

I am going to find him.

Look.

Glasses, glasses, glasses.

There we go.

What are we going to drink to? What else, of course.

Isn't this lovely?

Yeah.

Did you order room service?

No, leave it.

Babe, I can't. They might just come in.

Oh, thank God you're here. Every hotel room in town is full.

Well, at least, please.

Well, you can't stay.

We'll find somewhere else. Can't we just dump our stuff for a bit? We're

knackered.

Oh,

cobbler on.

Macadamia nut's my favourite.

What the bloody hell?

They did something in their bags.

Fine. Now they've done them, they can go.

Chill, Nigel.

We've got some ease up paupers.

We're having a taste to get you in the groove, Captain.

Yeah, well, I don't want to be in your groove.

Now, now, Captain.

No homophobia on Gay Pride weekend.

Maybe he is in the groove and he just doesn't realise it yet. I mean, don't

think it's a bit strange that he's chosen a dirty weekend in Brighton?

This weekend.

Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something, Captain.

Are you trying to insinuate I might be gay?

Gay? Straight?

I don't just want that. Well, don't. No, no, no, let's look at the facts. I

mean, it works for an ally.

Shag like a rabbit and then it falls in love?

No, I'm sorry, babe, but it's true.

You sure you're just not a wee bit curious, Nigel?

Get out.

I'd like an Egyptian holiday for me.

What? You're up to your armpit in the Nile.

The Nile, the Nile.

Get it?

Get out!

I'll take it you two are sharing the one room?

That's what we are doing.

Shall we go up?

No quickies, though.

It's showers, and then we're off to find my mystery man.

Do you really think that's going to happen? How on earth are you going to

one man in the whole of Alicante? I just know it's going to happen. I don't know

his name, I don't know who he is, but I will find him. I just know he's the one

for me.

Are you sure this is the right place, then? Definitely.

This is where Richard popped the question.

20k ring in the bottom of my champagne flute. Nearly choked on the bugger. Oh,

need a drink.

That's not bad.

I'm fluent, actually.

Languages are so my thing.

Screen French and Spanish.

Sorry, I think it's your... Accent.

My degree's in commercial Spanish, you see.

Not local.

Right, commercial Spanish.

Yes.

Hey, last time I saw you, you were sitting there with twins, weren't you?

Yeah,

well, what about you and Rich, eh? I mean, you guys were totally smitten,

weren't you?

Between you, me and the goalpost, MI6 wouldn't have it.

Sorry, what?

Richard was actually an undercover MI6 agent, a real James Bond.

Wedding was all sorted, and then suddenly I thought, Gina, can you live

someone who might have to kill people for a living?

It was tough.

He took it really badly.

But, hey, got to put that behind me now.

I'm going to find the manager, ask him about my mystery man.

What are you smiling at?

Uh, MI6.

Richard was a baggage handler at Luton.

She's a complete fantasist, but you've got to love her.

Are you serious? We sat here with a total fruitly. Yeah, well, she doesn't

any harm.

He's called.

Vito.

But he doesn't work here anymore and I've got a clue where he is.

Well, in that case, we're going to head back to the hotel. Fine. Hotel bar. Have

a few there. Ask around. Someone must know him.

Actually, Gina, I really wanted some time alone with Ed.

We've got stuff to sort out.

We haven't seen each other in weeks.

Well, the night is young.

Luckily, I'm quite happy with my own company. Not one of those people who

a man to cling on to.

Look, we can't leave her walking around town talking to strangers.

Are you really that desperate not to be alone with me?

Come on, you know that's not true.

You fancy her? Did you ever sing with her? Oh, for God's sakes. Look, Poppy,

it's not always about you, all right?

OK, I'm sorry.

Wait. All right, come on, then.

I trashed my car, emptied my minibar, called me a pervert.

Nigel, don't.

This is our weekend.

I've been counting the days.

Why? What do you mean?

Why me?

As opposed to someone your own age.

Well, train it here and back.

A bag of chips and a quick fumble under the pier.

Oh, you really know how to treat a woman, Nigel.

A nice car and this restaurant and a gorgeous hotel.

Oh, God.

That sounds really awful, doesn't it? Like it's all about money. And really

truly it's not.

When I go home after spending an evening with you, I think to myself,

Bill Nutt, you're such a lucky girl.

And I really think I can make you happy.

You do.

Dessert?

Nice one.

You're more than welcome to come and have a try, don't be shy!

Oh, well, come on, we can.

Don't! I've been dreaming about this for weeks. It's the only thing that's kept

me going. And I plan to have fun. F -U -N, fun!

And you two sad old tats are not going to stop me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Virgin Gigantic, hostess with the mostest. One's showing on.

Oh, she's fab.

I'd do anything to see one of her gigs. I'd even sleep with a woman.

Isn't that a happy couple?

What,

I would love Virgin Gigantic. Well, no!

What are you thinking about?

Hey, that's what... Will!

Great company, Cadbury.

It's only for an hour. I've always wanted to see Virgin Gigantic.

I think I need to go.

Yeah, watch your arse in there, Captain.

It's like going clubbing with your dad, innit?

Oh, give me a break, OK?

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

I like him. He's going to dump on you like he does everybody else.

Hasn't met the right woman yet.

Oh, man.

By

the

way, we're like queens.

Give me a massive welcome for Valentine's Day.

They spend so much time apart, they write to each other.

Hello, Brian!

Are you all ready to

take off?

Oh,

a late passenger.

Hello.

There's always one that's late, isn't there?

Oh, two of them.

Where have you been?

In the toilet.

Within.

How was he?

I'm not gay.

What, since you've been to the toilet?

You know what we say about people like that, don't you? What's the difference

between a gay man and a straight man?

Because I'm just great.

Well, a crew look after crew, right?

Well, she's probably getting pissed up, throwing herself at random blokes in

some cuddle.

What? Like that place?

I see what you mean.

She's already chosen her next victim.

Come on, then. Let's check she's all right.

Bored of each other already, eh?

I'm just so glad you've come.

Nice to meet you, Joe. Give me gorgeous.

I've got to go get myself a drink.

A screaming orgasm for me, please, Joe.

I had a drink all night, totally loaded.

Let's see.

Oh, he's not one of these flashy types.

He's actually a mechanic.

Well, I say he's a mechanic.

He's the chief engineer for William's Formula One team.

Frank William Fryham, man on the ladder.

Hello, everyone.

Would you like to help me demonstrate the steps?

No, but I know a lady who would.

This is Gina.

I would be honored for your assistance.

Shall we take this a little slower?

Why? What's wrong?

Well, you seem to have a difficulty moving time, you know? Well, the thing

This is an embargo I'm used to, you see. I'm a professional.

I'm used to these basic steps.

Oh, so you can show us the English way.

The señorita is a dancer from England.

She show us a few English steps.

Now, I'm going to need someone to help me with customer research.

Now, what sort of person do I want?

As we come down here to the non -gay -descript person.

No, thank you. Come on, be a laugh. Come on.

I'm sure he's a sweetheart.

Now, don't be shy. What's your name?

Captain Nigel Croker.

Slight dick.

Booze.

Sweaty polyester shirt.

Way too much Paco Rabanne.

And breath freshener. Because Mr.

Pilot always hoping to get lucky.

Oh, he's hating me.

Yeah, good, because we're loving it. Come on, Captain, give us your mobile

phone. Yeah!

Work with me.

I could make this a lot worse for you.

Oh, my, we have been a busy boy.

Adele, Barbara, Caroline, Kathy.

Listen, love, these can't all be your sisters.

Oh, hang on.

Denise.

Denise mobile, Denise home, Denise work.

Who's Denise?

My wife. I think we should phone Mrs. Captain. What about you, boys and girls?

Leave him alone.

And who might you be?

I'm his girlfriend.

What's he told you?

Not like that. He's getting a divorce.

Bless you, Lord, I bless you. But pilots are always getting divorced. It's like

tomorrow. It never comes.

And at his age, neither does he.

Nigel!

I'll come with you.

Right, let's see if we can blag our way into the after -show party.

Do you think there's going to be one after this?

Of course there's going to be a party. It's gay pride, you idiot.

Rose, aren't you tired?

Don't you remember? I'm the male playing zombie.

I get my cough at sunrise.

Hey, lads, wait up.

Well, it's official. I've had enough of gay pride for one day.

Bag of chips and a walk on the beach.

Perfect.

Your friend, she's very good.

It's okay I ask her for a dance?

She's with her boyfriend.

He's a martial arts expert. You know, judo, karate.

That's how I met him.

We were going out for a while, but when I won the amateur kickboxing

championship, he couldn't really handle my success, you know.

I don't know.

Looks like your matchmaking skill's not up to match.

Maybe it was the aircraft, wasn't it?

Don't stop.

Come on, I'm knackered.

Gina.

You OK?

Oh, Ed.

Thank God you're here.

Poppy, you're going to have to lend me tonight because it is a meat market in

this town. And I am Philip Dake. Just not safe enough to man on my arm. You

don't mind, do you?

What happened to Vito?

Frightened off for your dancing skills?

Had to let him go. Did you see? The rat's tail. If I wanted to run my finger

through long hair, be a lesbian for God's sake.

Here's a dance, Teacher Gina.

It's the look. Well, no thank you.

I knew English wasn't up to much.

But what about your commercial Spanish?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

It doesn't exist.

Why don't you make up some other imaginary man and have him sit with you

night? Sorry, Poppy.

Have you got some sort of problem?

Let's just get it all out in the open, shall we?

Well, seeing as you're asking.

in Spanish?

Yes. Catalan?

Yes.

That's what I meant.

Catalan. And that bollocks about your fiancé being MI6.

Ed says he's a baggage handler.

Oh, don't drag me into this. And as for you being Philip's fake, more like old

rump to me.

Do you really have to humiliate her like that?

I'm sorry.

What do you think before you open that mouth of yours, I'm sorry

Do

you

mind if I have this done I'd be delighted

I need to ask you a favor.

For a dancer like you, anything.

If you could just buy her a drink or chat her up.

Chat her up?

Habla con ella.

Hasla sentir especial.

Just that for 100 euros?

Si.

I just wanted to have the night she wanted. Make her feel like she's the

woman in the world.

I think you've got a visitor.

What are you doing here?

Why did you run away before?

I turned around and you were gone from the bar.

I thought you wanted to dance with somebody else.

Dancing is my job.

When it's finished, I hope we can have a drink, talk, get to know one another.

Since you've come all this way for me.

And maybe you can save... Would you like a dance for me?

Come.

Does that have something to do with you?

What does he do, Poppy?

Nothing, just talk to him.

I'm sorry I say before you got no rhythm.

The way you move is so sexy.

That's okay.

You really come to meet me because of a photo.

Don, tell me I'm crazy.

You're crazy.

Who's this man?

No one.

I was engaged to him for a bit.

What'd he do?

He's an agent.

In the airport. He works in the airport.

Let's not talk about Rich.

He's a lying bastard who cheated on me with a friend.

You know, you look so much better with hair like this.

Oh, my God, this is such a movie moment.

You know, like in the old films when the hero lets down the girl's hair and

says, Oh, my God, Miss Jones, you're beautiful.

But you are beautiful, Miss.

Oh, you won't be able to say my name. Try.

Well, I'm not even going to try to say that.

Mr. and Mrs.

Croker, the Prince Regent's suite.

We certainly cannot do this.

They're asleep somewhere.

They're going to be stuck with PC Plod.

They're not going to be back tonight.

Come on.

You know it makes sense.

A man can dress as a woman, steal my mobile phone, humiliate me in public,

yet I'm the one with the police caution.

Nigel, you did hit her. Him?

She is not a she. She is a he.

But I didn't help her to be died. No, it bloody wouldn't. Freaks can dress up in

women's clothes all they like. They can take hormones and have their bits cut

off, but it doesn't change how God made them. Now, where's the frigging key?

Sorry.

I've got it here in my bag.

What the fuck?

So I should down my hope.

Nigel.

It's five in the morning.

Where else are they going to go?

And anyway, Daddy Bear, are we really going to sleep in their sheets?

Oh, gross.

Do you mean that bender's been... It doesn't even bear thinking about it.

then don't.

Look, we've got the whole suite, remember?

Yeah, and where's the bed in this room?

Well, look, we can sleep on the floor.

It'll be cosy.

And, well, look.

There must be some spare bedding in one of these drawers. If I wanted to sleep

in a youth hostel, I would have booked a youth hostel, not spent the best part

of 400 quid on a four -star hotel.

You're right.

You're just tired.

No, no, no, I can't do it with them three feet away. There's not even a lock

the door. They could just walk in.

They won't.

Really, they won't.

Make up the bed.

I need the mail.

Yeah, crewing, please.

I am available for work today.

Anywhere.

No, I don't care.

Yeah, I can be there in two hours.

Cheers.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah, I was going to possibly be able to come in.

I don't understand.

Where's Nigel?

Well, we haven't got him stashed under the covers, if that's what you're

thinking.

Here he is.

Biggest dick in the airline.

Nick. Don't.

Was his car downstairs? Did you see?

No, you mentioned it. No.

Will, call the front desk. Get them to order me a cab.

They're going away to London? Are you mad?

It's going to cost you the best part of 200 quid.

I don't care.

He's worth it. Thank you.

Bye.

You can use the suite. It's paid for for the whole weekend.

Bye.

Bye.

Just to warn you, Janice, I may fall asleep standing today.

I was up all night, not a wink of sleep.

I mean, when you're sharing your bed with a total sex god, what choice do you

have?

You can look into a drivel. He isn't bleeding.

Guys, I've just had the best night of my life. You know what?

I don't think I'm coming back to grey, rainy old London. I mean, why would I

want to when I can stay here and have sex with a sizzling Spanish stallion

Vito?

Oh, come on, it's blatantly just another MI6.

Well, you know what? Maybe this time it's real.

No, it isn't.

Oh, right, and how would you know?

Because I paid him.

You did what?

Gina!

Gina, come on, let's go.

Uh, Gina, by the pool.

Um, she'll be here with me now.

Look, mate, um, I'm not entirely sure what's going on here, but, um, I'll have

the puppy arrange this.

Right, but I think you might have got some wires crossed because I think she

only paid for you to dance with her.

Here, give it back to your friend. I don't want her money. I had an amazing

night.

Are you serious?

Who would know? That thing is useless, but in bed, the thing that woman can do

is unbelievable.

Gina?

Did you realize that the crew transport will be arriving any minute?

Actually, Janny... She'll be ready in a minute.

told you I'm staying here.

Vito is the love of my life. My future is here with him.

Look, we both know that's not true.

He's not even here, is he? Yes, he is. He's in my room right now.

Come on, Gina.

Hola, Chico!

This is all my fault.

What do you mean?

He's only there because I paid him to be there.

Oh, I felt so guilty about what I said to you yesterday. I just wanted you to

have a good night. Wait a minute.

Are you telling me you paid my boyfriend to have sex with me? Not to have sex.

Just to dance. He obviously thought I meant more.

It isn't real, Gina.

And what would you know?

I know that you get swept away with things.

That you like to impress.

But it's not worth throwing your career away for some fantasy relationship with

a guy I paid.

Thanks for ruining my life, bitch.

Shit.

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologise for the delay.

As much as we'd like to whisk you off to Edinburgh, I'm afraid we're not allowed

to depart until we have a full complement of crew, according to CAA

Thank you.

Sorry, everyone.

I'm not.

And one coffee.

One black and two silver.

And I got you some raspberry danis. Your fave.

What are you doing here?

I know it was my fault.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Don't you have trolley service?

I thought we came here together, the three of us.

Since you've been here, you've spent zero time with me.

Baby, I didn't want to grab your star, that's all.

See you back in the closet, then, eh?

Try to pretend you're not who you really are.

Come on, then.

Yeah, well, you can fuck as many women as you like.

Doesn't change who you are.

Looking like this for a headache?

Hmm.

I mean, you could have stayed with Will and enjoyed the carnival. That's what

you guys came for.

And is there an ill woman?

I'm not ill.

Stressed, then?

Want to talk about it?

No.

And they've restocked it.

That hotel's wonderful.

Chocolate for madam.

Nuts. Champagne.

Oh, look, Captain Croke is next bed.

He shouldn't.

You say that an awful lot.

He can afford it.

Why are you so good to me?

Nick, don't.

You should have more fun.

You were made for fun, girl.

But you never seem to get it.

I don't know, I just keep thinking, if I can get through this next bit, it'll be

all right, but it never is.

Thought you were getting married.

Launching a Latin dance business.

Oh, that was all a lie.

Oh, now there's a change.

Oh, her lie, not mine.

He begged me to stay with him, but I told him no. I mean, however much I

him, I could never have a relationship with somebody that wasn't built on

honesty.

Is that a fact?

Well, how about this for a bit of honesty?

What?

Jean Apostle's weight.

I'm grounding you for assaulting your purser.

God help those who have the misfortune to reposition you. I only hate for their

sakes their death.

I'm really sorry, Jane. I never meant it to end like this.

Poppy, Ed, unless you want to swim home, let's go.

You're going to be okay.

Oh, I'll be fine.

Go on, you go.

Oh, before I forget.

Vito gave me 100 euros back.

Seems he really did like her.

Told me he's never met anyone like her before.

You are joking.

No.

Oh, my God, I've fucked you up again.

I know. Well, I'm sure you had the right intentions.

Anyway, she'll probably end up engaged to somebody else by the end of the day,

so she'll survive.

Will we?

Will we what?

Survive.

Last night.

I thought you said you didn't want to.

So you don't want to break up with me?

No.

Even though I'm violent and stupid and always say the wrong things?

Even though?

Because I've been so worried.

Oh,

that was the best gay parade ever.

I assume you missed the finale.

Do you want to go on up?

I feel so bad.

I'm sure Will will get over it. You know what I mean?

I shouldn't have done it.

I don't remember you doing anything.

I shouldn't have let you. Oh, for God's sake, you straight. You're so tortured.

It was nothing.

You promise you won't say anything?

For everything.

That's what she said.

Hey.

God, have I missed you.

I was right.

Yeah, the prison's okay.

Or as okay as the prison can be.

She said she did hit the guy.

But she didn't kill him.

The embassy are on her case.

Her parents are there. There's nothing more I can do.

Except one thing.

What?

Spend more time with you.

I know I've neglected you over this, and I'm really sorry.

I want to make it up to you.

Bad idea? You don't want to spend time with me?

No, I do.

I do.

I missed you so much.

Sorry for being such a bitch, Rachel.

I'm an idiot.

I love you.

Where's Nigel?

Are you okay?

Nigel?

Nigel, I'm here and I'm not leaving until you come out.

I was just finishing my flight report.

No.

You were hiding from me.

We can't just not talk about what happened.

No, I guess not.

I got us a picnic to make up for last night.

No.

Look,

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have driven off.

It's all right. No, it is not all right.

I've done some pretty shitty things to women in my time, but nothing like that.

Then why?

I panicked.

But, sweetheart, it was the right thing to do.

To go.

You're breaking up with me?

No, it can.

Really, it can. And I'll try loads harder. I don't want you to try harder.

I don't deserve you.

I'm too old and jaded and cynical and...

I'm not comfortable with the people that you care about.

And I can't change.

You don't know that.

You and me.

It was just some fantasy I was kidding myself could work.

You deserve some young, fit, stud,

your own age.

And I really hope you find him.

So, do you want me to run you home?

I'm just going to wait here for a bit.

That's okay.

Yeah.

And, um... Hi.

For everything.

I inhale the fun. Now it's time for me to get on top of the

world.

Just the world is mine.

And I'm feeling.