Original subtitles

What do they do around here? Give you a shave before they kill you? What are you

talking about?

That razor here on the table.

Razor?

We'll let him come all the way in.

And then I'll sneak up and cut it.

I'll raise it.

A Warner Brothers television production.

Finish at the search.

I done looked everywhere in St. Louis, except under the rugs.

How about going down to the docks there?

No, no, not me.

Alongside of them lockered -up leopards was a battle of bull run that was

quieter than bread, riding in a whale bottom.

Thanks.

And if you do find your cousin down there, he'll probably be mounted on a

All right, now out you go.

a room, Grannis.

Jail's full, Mr. Muldoon.

Then stack them under the dock. The tide's out.

Kind of like New Year's Eve in the zoo, huh, Constable?

You're kind of tidy.

Well, I've been uptown.

I'm looking for a cousin of mine, Beauregard Maverick.

What's he look like?

Uh, I don't know.

Well, I mean, I haven't seen him in quite some time. He's been in England

the past five years.

England, huh?

You better see the Honorable Freddy Bogner.

He's down at the Blue Moose. You can't miss him. He's got one of them shirts

that look like a meringue pie after North has struck it.

Obliged.

Do you play poker?

My Declaration of Independence.

Tell Freddy I sent you.

I shall address you. No, call you.

Three ways over the rainbow, sonny.

Oh, I say, what a spot of luck. Four kings.

I ain't seen nothing come out of them pink little hands but kings and queens.

The Bogners have always had an acquaintance with royalty.

Clumsy of me, mate. No harm.

No harm.

No wallet.

Are you saying I'm crooked?

Like a stone fence.

Why, you...

Of course, that's before I knew a man was being sent to do a pigeon's job.

Muldoon and I have a trade agreement.

You're lucky your head isn't bobbing down the Mississippi.

Why? Why?

Well, let's just say it's illegal.

Oh, nonsense.

It's enterprise.

I say, you wouldn't be interested in a short game.

No, thanks, Freddy.

I'm looking for a cousin who's overdue.

Hold on.

Yes.

A chap like you.

Quick fists, quick mind.

I wonder.

No wonder at all, Freddy.

The only thing they forgot when they made you was a fuse. The idea I'm

about could be worth $2 ,000.

I wonder a little more.

Splendid. Come along.

Oh, and so there's nothing between us.

My wallet.

Public school training.

Devilish heart habit to break.

Delicious cows in the colonies.

Why don't you have them serve the horns?

Oh, jolly good. So, to continue. My father, the Marquess of Wagner, received

prospectus. From a ranch in some spot called Wyoming.

Whenever is heard a discouraging word.

A place dedicated to the improvement of young manhood.

Firm the mind and body and all that rot.

Make giants out of weaklings.

And so the old walrus, my father, thought of me.

And here I am.

He thought they'd make a man of you on this ranch.

So he said. He proposed I should spend six perishing months in Wyoming.

So what's your problem?

I'm two weeks overdue in this spot.

Obviously, I can't just chuck over my business connections here in town.

Obviously. What I want, Maverick, is for you to go up to this ranch and

impersonate me.

Impersonate? Well, I don't even have an accent.

Then keep your mouth shut.

Take a look at the decent sign.

Such an outing would be a lark for a chap like you. It might kill me.

Sorry. All my credentials, including my signet ring.

And don't forget, $2 ,000.

I'll never forget $2 ,000, but it just wouldn't work, Frederick.

Well, maybe you're right.

Maybe it's destiny.

It's destiny.

Farewell, Maverick.

Goodbye, Frederick.

Cheeto.

And that is how I got the medal, gentlemen. I trust you'll print it

tell it. We sure will, Mr. Maverick. It's one of the best stories we've heard

years. Thank you. You're welcome.

Come on.

Bud! What are you doing? Get them back here. Deny everything.

What are you talking about? That story they'll publish. If Pappy reads it,

send you back to England for five more years.

Uncle Bo should know the facts. Look, I just quieted him down enough to think

about you in simple sentences. Now you do this. But I'm innocent.

You won a medal. That's what Pappy claimed he could never forgive.

I was a prisoner.

You captured a Yankee general.

I didn't capture him. He captured me.

He liked to play poker. I was the only one around who wasn't fighting.

He must have been concentrating pretty hard not to hear the Confederate troops

coming on.

I took concentration.

He liked wild games.

a bad luck happened, right as those Georgia fellas came marching into the

I'd just won a hand, and the general slams down his card, saying, son, I give

up. Next thing I knew... You won at the line of duty?

A hot flush.

Why didn't you tell Pappy this?

I tried, but he kept ranting on about me being the white sheep of the family.

Where have you been?

Looked all over St. Louis for you. I was detained at the boat, seeing some

little rodent made off of the person's trunk.

And seeing that he was English and that I'd acquired this accent, slight as it

is, well, if it hadn't been for this medal, I might be like... What might

rodent look like?

Oh, I never saw him. He's a title chap, I understand. Name of, uh, Bogner.

You were mistaken for him?

Just the voice. Well, that voice might just be worth $2 ,000.

Oh, what do we, uh, do and where do we go? First, we do a little searching.

Follow. Oh, by the way, my bags, they were impounded. You wouldn't have a $5

bill, would you?

Certainly, cousin.

What's mine is... Freddy.

I'll take two cards, sir.

Three, please.

And two to the dealer.

I believe it's your bet, Colonel Memphis.

Well, I'll just bet a thousand on these five little tulips.

Good show.

Colonel Mobile, sir?

Call.

Call.

Sir, dropping a card constitutes an irregularity. I declare a new deal.

The man picks up his cards and the game goes on. You questioning my judgment,

sir? I am, and I'm prepared to shoot a hole in it.

Well, who sent you this time?

$2 ,000 and an orphaned billfold.

$2 ,000?

You mean you've changed your mind?

The billfold, Frederick.

Oh, yes. Sticky item.

Now, you've decided to represent me, hmm?

No, not me. My cousin Bo.

He's had practice at it. Oh, really?

Yes. The pastor's trunk, remember?

Oh, yes. The chap on deck B.

I say, that was poor luck.

Yes, well, that poor luck is going to cost you an extra $1 ,000, Mr. Bogner,

added to which there will be an additional $1 ,000 posted as bond,

total you owe for this impersonation to $4 ,000.

$4 ,000?

Why, that's robbery.

Well, nonsense.

That's enterprise.

Cousin Boo, Pappy would be proud of you. Then I hope you'll apprise him of the

facts. I will. Now, I've just got time to catch the night stage and get my

Watch.

Freddy.

Freddy.

Which one of you is a dude named Wagner?

Your name, Wagner?

At your service.

Come on, that cayuse.

The rest of you, back on the stage.

Hurry it up.

All right, driver, line them up.

I think I understand. This is a little initiation to the ranch, huh?

Nope. This is a .44.

Unless you shut that mouth and polish that saddle, it's going to be you.

Now turn around and come on.

Here he is.

Are you sure it's the right one?

He's the one.

Yes, well, we all look different through the bottom of a bottle.

Regard the razor, laddie.

I might have been a proper barber if I could have stifled a tendency to remove

the ears.

Molly, come here.

Is this the bloke?

I don't picture looking more like a lemming.

You mean you've never seen Freddie Bogner before?

Compose yourself, dearie. It's got to be the son. He's wearing the same signet

ring his ruddy father wore.

Oh, you're nearer the old boy.

Indeed I did.

He used to come down to Soho where I was working as a barmaid, walking head up

and a glare in his eye like the British Lion himself.

A man he was.

And proper wealthy, too.

And he'll pay a nice little ransom for you.

Ransom? Yes, 20 ,000 quid.

20 ,000?

Unless, of course, your dear old painter doesn't care to trade for little

Freddy's blooming hide.

Gentlemen, my lady, I think this deceit has gone far enough.

What are you talking about?

Good people.

My name is Favisham. I am a wayfarer. This signet ring I won from a chap who

introduced himself as the Honourable F. Bogner.

It was a polka dot.

Then you ain't Bogner?

And thorough to me it is, too.

For to know the charm of his acquaintances is to size him as a man of

fortune. Oh, you two planter -headed bull blokes.

Cowboys. He's got to be Wagner. We check the passenger list.

I seem to be the cause of a slight scene, so if you'll excuse me. Oh, hell

don't. You ain't going nowhere.

Except down a deep hole.

Really now, I've told you my name is Favisham.

Courtney Favisham.

You have the wrong man, old boy.

And what's the wrong man got, old boy?

I'll tell you.

Enough information to cook the lot of us, that's what.

May I inquire as to your plans?

Sever certain connection.

Your plan has genius.

It has?

Great genius.

However, there are certain crudities, as might be imagined.

Instead of 20 ,000 quid, we shall ask 25.

For what?

For my ransom, of course.

And who's going to pay a ransom for a famishum with a debt in his pocket?

The name is Bodnar, old chap.

I'll wait it now.

Just like that.

Oh, my credentials.

See what he says to me.

It's him, all right.

Now, what are you up to? First you're one bloke and then you're another. If

you'd calm down a little, we might talk business.

Like what?

Like how I can get you more money faster.

You mean from your own father?

Sentimentality, my dear. Never compounded interest.

You don't say.

Oh, I do.

Tell me more.

Well, we shall ask 25 ,000, thereby making an immediate profit of 5 ,000,

I shall accept as consultancy.

Now, in the letter, we shall enclose my signet ring. This establishes identity.

And we, uh, we add a veiled threat.

Something, something incredibly sinister.

Perhaps a promise that your next communication will contain my index

Go on.

Of course, the note will be in my own handwriting.

A spot of blood from a pricked thumb is an added touch.

By me.

And to top the putting off, we send the letter to Father's business agent in St.

Louis, thereby ensuring a message through official channels and our

the money without entangling minor delays.

Well, what do you say?

I say it's like confronting the devil without taking the trip.

Shall we get on with it?

We'll be right back.

A letter, Mr. Maverick. It's marked urgent.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

As my

father's business representative in the colonies, I command that you contact him

immediately and arrange to have deposited an inscription rock.

Bozeman Trail, a ransom of 25 ,000 pounds.

Ransom?

Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but I'll have to excuse myself.

Dear Marquis of Bognor, Your

Lordship, Your Honor,

Dear Sir,

If

you have a father's normal regard for his son, I suggest that you send the

ransom.

Furthermore, may I humbly suggest that if this money were left in bond in the

bank at St. Louis, there would be no jeopardy to your money, and a trap could

set to apprehend the brigands when they appear to collect.

Respectfully, Bartram Maverick, Esquire.

Get this on the next porpoise to Liverpool, please.

Ah, the joke. But one can send a cable now, monsieur.

The French Atlantic Telegraph Company.

Consider for a moment the dignity of a message conducted by a land which has

given the world art, fashion, wine... And mayonnaise.

Just the letter.

That all right?

Yes, sir, but... Forgive me, but the very thought of it... I'll be expecting

reply.

Yes, sir.

match your wager and call you.

Three jacks.

Three kings.

The title members of this deck seem to have a fondness for you which ain't sent

from heaven.

Give me the bottle.

A shellac again.

Can't you get anything better from Bar H?

It's a good whiskey.

Just a little strong.

The owner's a shamrock named McGee.

Uh, Herbert, you owe me 200 quid.

Oh, do I now?

Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Freddie Blooming Bogner.

I'm getting tired of you.

And if that ransom ain't here in the next five days, your neck is going to

to a point.

Now get out of my face.

There's no wonder there ain't no snakes in Ireland.

They're all in these ruddy bottles.

You'll push him too far one of these times.

I doubt it. I'm worth far too much to him.

I don't think you realise that Herbert's made of impulses.

Like teaming up with that pair from the Bar H health ranch.

The Bar H is no health ranch. It's a plain cattle spread.

The prospectus, the one the Marquis... I mean, my father got.

I used to think you had an intelligent light shining in your eyes.

But it must be the moon, shining through your head.

Herbert sent a bogus prospectus.

Now you're gaining.

Oh, and to make sure that no correspondents got through to the ranch,

up with Brazos and Pecos, and they got jobs on the ranch.

After being shown out of Laramie by the sheriff and everybody else over three

feet tall.

A neatly tied package.

Yeah, but how did Herbert know the old boy would want to send me out west in

first place?

Because I told him in the second place.

Right after your father said he'd go to all costs to make a man of you.

So you were in it from the beginning.

Herbert and I have been what you might call partners for a long time.

It was his idea to come out here and arrange to kidnap you.

I joined him, but my aunt wasn't in it. Oh?

Why?

Because when I got here, I realized the only real man was the one I left.

Your father.

Oh, well, maybe you can pay him a visit. You'll be coming into money soon.

There'll be no money.

I beg your pardon?

I remember what your father said right after he mentioned sending you here.

Pity it couldn't have been in 76.

the young ferret would have stolen Washington's teeth and the Continental

would have gone without orders.

You mean the governor might not pay?

But does it sound like he would?

Mr. Maverick, I have the pleasure of presenting you the first telegram of the

first intercontinental telegraph company, the French Atlantic Telegraph

Merci. Merci, monsieur.

Excuse me, John.

Peter, over here.

What on earth for?

You're being held for ransom.

I am?

Bo's been kidnapped, and the kidnappers are demanding 25 ,000 pounds.

I say, 25 ,000 quid.

For me.

Obviously, they've never met you, Freddie.

Quite. I tried to get your father to cable the money, but he's coming

What are we going to do, Mary?

I'm going to try to figure something out.

The best thing for you to do is get out of sight.

I'd suggest a boat cruise.

Splendid idea.

Quiet games on the quarterdeck.

Balmy air.

Give this card to Captain Wolf Kratkovich down at the docks. He'll take

you nicely.

Oh, I say, this is bully of you, Maverick.

Especially after the way I've treated you.

It's all in the past, Freddy.

Good luck. And, uh, jetto.

Jetto.

Captain Crackovitz.

Why? I think this will explain.

Maverick. The fellow with all the aces.

You're a friend of his son, aren't you? Indeed.

Now then, I suggest a spacious suite, and not too cool, with a lovely view

Of the boiler!

Marquis of Bagnor?

Well? I'm Bart Maverick, sir.

Well, then.

America.

Astounding. All because of a chap named Columbus and poor navigation.

Marquis. You may call me Bagnor, Maverick.

Marquis sounds like somebody sitting on an overripe orange.

Now, where is the little thief?

Thief? My son, Frederick.

You are the chap that wrote to me, aren't you?

Oh, yes. Yes, sir.

But I don't know where your son is.

I mean, he left for the Bar H ranch, and that's all we... Then we'll start from

the Bar H.

Start from the Bar H?

I'm beginning to believe they slapped the wrong end when you were born.

Well, couldn't we just set a trap by staying here and depositing the money in

the bank?

Then the kidnappers would have to come to us.

Traps? Money?

Get it through your head.

I've been challenged, man.

We go to them.

You wouldn't want to go to the Bar H, Mr. Wagner.

And why not?

It's miserable country around the Inscription Rock area.

It's a terrible trip.

And besides, your baggage hasn't arrived.

I have everything I need. I once walked from Kabul to Samarkand sucking two

peach pits.

How far is it?

How far?

It's four days.

Then we'll do it in two. On safari. Come on.

Has it gone?

up, Bucko.

And if we don't find the money at inscription rock, I'll take the weight

your shoulders.

Don't worry, Herbert.

You'll be paid.

Oh, and Brazos will be on guard outside.

And he can track a thin ant over a fat rock.

So stay put.

Come on.

I should wear something in black.

Still the governor's business agent in St. Louis, this maverick fellow.

I have great trust in him.

Why?

Well, he's, uh... Now you come to mention it, I don't know why.

Probably just like the rest of these blokes, always looking after himself.

Yes. Now, Herbert, he likes to look after other people.

Him and his riser.

I even get the feeling he'd like to slice me one day.

Oh, why do you stay around him? Why don't you duck out sometime, go

And go where?

Go back to England.

Go back to the Marquess. You did say you loved him.

Oh, sure.

Me, a bar mate?

I'd show up at the castle and they'd never let me in. Probably throw me in

moat. You could improve yourself.

It's been done before.

I've heard of that, too.

You walk around, strikes as an and -on, practicing things like, the grain in

this plain could never grow in Spain.

You've got it. By Jove, you've got it.

Got what?

A way out for both of us.

Listen, did my father ever say why a Marquis would be going down to Soho?

No. What is the challenge, I should think? Exactly.

He wanted to be around a real flesh -and -blood woman, not a soap bubble.

He loves you.

As much as you love him. Now, if you help me break out of here, I will take

back to the pay to myself.

You'd do that?

But how can we break out of here?

We need something to startle them.

Something explosive. Yes.

I don't like it.

As with all brilliant tactics, it's simple.

Now, when Herbert comes back, he's going to operate on me, right?

With his razor?

Yes, well, I'll attract their attention to one side.

When I do, you sneak up, you take that bottle of 150 -proof laughing tonic and

you toss it in the stove. Before the smoke settles, we'll take the horses and

leave them stranded.

Oh, but it doesn't get unsettled very easily.

Now, this will work. I know it.

And I'd see your father?

Sure, as my name's... I have my word on it.

We'll do it!

Yes, well, I think we should get on with the plans.

The money wasn't there.

I'll have a little job to do.

Look like a couple of hummingbirds in a high wind.

If they are, they've got two men riding them.

And the head of a bar H.

You better take the shortcut and go to the ranch and see what's going on.

I say, shabby place.

Rather run down.

I say, is this the bow reach?

It is. Now move.

Western hospitality.

You're standing on me foot.

Oh.

I've an idea it's odd to find it on the ground instead of in your mouth.

Well, I... Gentlemen, gentlemen.

This is the Marquis of Bognor, and I'm Barton. Oh, it is now.

Well, get him to take a little soda and stay in the shade. He'll get over in a

couple of days.

I demand to know how you let Freddy get kidnapped from this resort, you Dalek

buffoon. I know of no Freddy. This is a cattle ranch, not a resort.

I suggest you get this pump put back on the saddle before I dent it.

I seem to be standing in a draft.

Oh, you don't say.

Boxer. And quite willing to prove it again.

Welcome to the bar, H. My name is McGee. You can stay as long as you like.

I say, that's sporty of you. I'm a lover of the manly art.

A bit rusty, as you can see.

But I get a little practice out here.

They use mostly bottles.

Come on in. Come on in, man.

Who is that?

Well, that's Pecos.

That's a lob, doesn't it?

Well, you get a little lob out in that inscription rock country.

It's a wild and lonely land.

You say inscription rock country?

Yeah, I run a herd out there.

Usually have a hard time getting men to work it. But a few weeks ago, him and

another fellow, Brazel, came in and requested it. So I hired him quick.

Brazels?

They're Texans.

Texans are all named after rivers and forts.

Oh, interesting.

Do you mind if I just have a little look around your place, Mr. McGee? Oh, help

yourself, son.

Thank you, sir.

Now, Mark, we'll clear up this little business about Freddy, and then maybe

can show me some more of that fancy footwork.

There's not much, really, but we're heels in either case.

Quite.

Suffering snakes.

Isn't that your friend chasing the hired ant?

Appears to be exactly that.

What are they for?

I don't know.

I think he's given to Fitz.

Oh. Then we'd best get a rope on him quick.

I've had one case of rabies already this year.

I think you'll behold.

The money was there.

The money wasn't there.

Any final request?

Just that my last look be at the plains and valleys I've come to love.

I'll roll you right amongst them if you wish.

Pickles is coming and somebody's chasing him.

He's been sticking to me like gum on a hot boot.

He's come this far with it and come all the way.

Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen, you've made a mistake.

I came here to tell you you kidnapped the wrong man.

This is my cousin. I suppose you're William the Ruddy Conqueror. Check our

if he's being followed.

I'm telling you the truth. You've made a mistake.

His name is Beauregard Maverick. Now, here's his passport along with his

picture. Oh, but it's a pretty picture, Beau.

Well, blow me down.

It is him. Oh, certainly.

I wish I'd stayed, Courtney Faber. You mean you ain't Freddie Barkner?

Molly, you've got to believe me. It was all for the good. For the good, was it?

And I suppose it was for the good that you only talked me into...

Trying to escape with the horses and go meet your blooming father who's no

relation?

So you was going to leave me, was you?

Why, you sneaky little whelp.

I'll take care of you later.

There's two horsemen down in the flat.

The boys are ready to pick at any circus.

Tie them up. I'll take care of them later, too.

Hey, keep it easy. What are you doing?

Turn around and put your arms behind me.

Now sit up and put your spines together.

What did I do?

I couldn't explain it. Shut up.

I can make it worth your while. You'll stop all this foolishness.

Save your breath.

What do they do around here? Give you a

shave before they kill you? What are you talking about?

A razor here on the table.

Razor! Razor!

Razor!

Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor!

Razor! Razor!

Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor!

Razor!

Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor!

Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor!

Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor!

Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor! Razor!

Razor! Razor!

Razor!

Razor!

Get those two outside!

Get

over

there and finish him off.

Light. Now!

That shot could mean trouble.

This calls for a franking. We'll separate and charge.

Who's that?

That's your father. What? I mean, Bogner.

Bogner? Help!

The girl! No, wait. The Marquis deserves the honor of this rest. Help!

Gentlemen, there's a lady in the first!

Help!

Where's the Marquis?

Oh, he's about to renew an acquaintance.

And I found a rose.

Well, gentlemen, I'm not sure yet that I know what it was all about.

Except that I've taken a bride.

And after we tidy up some things on the tight little island, we'll be back. To

help McGee here raise large horns.

Long horns.

Oh, quite.

And Freddie, you say, is leading a man's life. Well, Wolf Kratkovich is the

dirtiest, roughest riverboat man in the Mississippi.

He'll work, Freddy, all right. Well, I know it wasn't easy.

And I insist you both take a thousand pound note each to settle up our

Now we must be going.

Goodbye. Good luck.

Bon voyage.

Goodbye. Bye -bye.

Bye.

Well,

cousin, I... Suggest we get ourselves a meal at the best place in town, a spot

where we can make this grow.

Motion seconded and carried.

Wolf!

Wolf Kratkovich, what have they done to you?

Ahoy there, Kratkovich!

Toot that bell!

Who is the tall, dark stranger there?

Maverick is the name.

Riding the trail to who knows where.

Luck is his companion.

Gamble is his game.

Smooth as a handle on a gun.

Maverick is the name.

Wild as the wind in Oregon.

Blowing up a canyon.

Easier to tame.

Riverboat, ring your bell.

loves the best.

Nice to New Orleans,

living on Jackson, Queens.

Maverick is a legend of the West.

Maverick is a legend of the West.