Original subtitles

All right.

Here's what I know about God.

If God really knew what he were doing, he would have designed cats so they

open cans.

No.

I have to figure out the right time to jump on the bed and wake them up so I

get fed.

It's tricky.

They get really mad if it's too early.

And that guy's got a bad habit I haven't been able to break him up. He's a

tosser. Well, here goes nothing.

Evil. Cat and evil.

Oh. I wonder which one of them I should scratch my ass on first.

Would you knock it off? I told you not to do that.

Jack, don't toss the cat. You know he doesn't like it when you do that.

All right, all right.

You're off the hook this time, okay? But only because you are so cute.

You ever hear of oral hygiene?

Good morning.

Well, this is it.

The day we get married.

Oh, boy.

It's touching, isn't it? To tell you the truth, I don't get the whole concept of

marriage. It's a strange human ritual.

Me, on the other hand, I go in the alley and get what I need.

If it's a slow night, well, I have other ways.

People think cats are just cleaning themselves, but in reality, we're having

own private party.

People can't do that.

I don't care how much money they waste on yoga.

That's why they get married, you know.

You better get going.

Our wedding party's gonna be here in an hour. I thought I'd put out some

champagne and orange juice and pate so we could have a little toast before we

all get in the limo.

Sounds great.

You know, I just can't believe how well everything is going.

I mean, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but, you know, I don't

it's going to.

Oh, Jack, would you get that? I'm sure it's your mother. She's lobbying to sing

a medley of Bette Midler songs at the reception. She wants to do a sound check

at noon. Could you please just allow me?

Hello.

Speaking.

Really?

Really?

No, no, I'm very interested.

Oh, it's just I can't come over there today.

No, no, I'm getting married.

Oh, I see.

I tell you what.

Let me take down your number. I will call you right back.

Yeah. Okay. I will call you right back. Bye -bye.

Dana.

Dana! You're not going to believe this. I just got off the phone with the New

York Times.

They want me to come in for an interview. There's an opening and an

staff. They have to fill it right away. Dana, they're interested in me. I think

this could be it.

I could be employed again. Jack!

This is great!

Could this day be going any better?

Yes, time to open that can, baby. Chow, chow, chow!

There's only one problem.

They want to see me today, in an hour.

We're getting married at 11. Yes, I know, I know, but you know the newspaper

business. I mean, you know, these positions open up suddenly, and the

editor's got to fly off to the Middle East in two hours.

Oh, that was loud, the sound of the other shoe dropping. I think it was a

Now, Dana, this could work out.

I could get dressed and go to the interview in my tux. They'll be

They'll think I really care.

And then I could hop in a cab and be back here by 11. We can all ride to the

ceremony together.

I'm taking deep breaths. I'm being calm.

Now, look, Dana, this is going to work out. Look, this is our day.

Nothing is going to go wrong. You'll see.

Deep breaths.

Calm.

Real bridal satin pumps.

Slow.

Smooth and unblemished.

I hope she knows what she's doing with this marriage business.

We've come a pretty long way together since the day she found me in the pound.

was sad.

Eventually, I forgave her for having me fixed. That hurt.

She said she did it because she loved me. I wonder if that poor bastard in

knows what he's in for.

They ran out of tuberoses. Can you believe it? How do you run out of

this time of year? They want to substitute stock. Like, I'm going to

the aisle with stock in my hand. I might as well just go down to the vacant lot

down the street and get some weed.

What's going on here?

This water is black.

Oh, Jack.

Gray be gone, hair color for men.

You know, Dana, after we're married, we're going to get another apartment.

going to have separate bathrooms, so I can do certain things without an

audience. Well, I like the gray streaks in your hair. I thought they made you

look distinguished.

They make me look like a skunk.

I'm ten years older. I'm getting married today. I don't want to look like an old

skunk.

Say, women or vain, don't ever let me hear you speak the word life assumption.

Why, do you think I need it? Oh, God.

Look at that.

Humans always worry about getting older.

Cats don't do that.

We have nine lives.

Although I used three of them up last year when a strong wind blew me off the

terrace into a bush.

Four stories below, I might add.

The trick is not to tense up.

Just let yourself float.

Humans don't understand that. Look at these two.

If they don't relax a little, they're going to overshoot the bush and then

Road pizza.

Ooh, visitors.

Oh, my God, did you already?

Yes. We're going downstairs. The cans are downstairs. We're getting warmer,

warmer. Go, baby, go. Liver and bacon. Turn left.

Refrigerator.

Damn.

Hi there.

Look at you. Dana, I don't know what to say. I have talked to her until I am

blue in the face. Even the cab driver told her she looked ridiculous at a

certain point. You have to listen. Hey, I have personalized my outfit. Look.

You voted me as bridesmaid when I wasn't even in the room, so this is what you

get. Live with it. Just give me the blazer. Meg, is this how you really show

in someone's wedding album? Do you really want people to point and say, why

the rental car agent standing next to the bride?

Meg, I know how attached you are to your blazer, but this is my day. It's time

to give the blankie up.

Now take it.

All right, fine.

Conform to society's convention. Do the expected thing.

All right.

Now, let's all have... A little refreshment and pate.

And, Meg, I'm going to let you have some champagne because I know how much you

can put away and still walk a straight line.

Why, hello.

Oh, yeah.

What would be the worst thing they could do to me for stealing a little of that?

They already chopped off my nougats.

Meg, let me see how you're going to walk. Oh, no, you're the first person

the aisle. You set the pace for everybody. Show me what you're going to

Pretend this is the aisle and let me see. Go on. No, hurry up with that

champagne, Dana.

Hey, hey, where's the fire?

I am stepping my... People want to eat.

You have got to slow down. You have to walk as if you're strolling down Fifth

Avenue. I am. I'm pretending you're behind me.

You see what I am dealing with here? All right, Meg, put on the shoes.

Put on the shoes we bought you. Come on. If RuPaul can wear them, so can you.

Hey, happy wedding day, everybody. Hey, congratulations.

I hope you have a long and happy life. Where's the remote?

See, you ladies look particularly lovely.

Oh, and look at you, Mary Margaret, all grown up.

You dress in your high heels. Yeah, and what happened to your face, Ray? I cut

myself shaving.

With what, a riding mower? Sure.

Hey, guys, keep it down. The game's on. I got money on this thing.

Oh, Abe, Abe, Abe, come on. No television on my wedding day. Television

killed the art of conversation. Now turn it off. We're going to sit around and

talk. Oh.

What am I supposed to do? Come on over here and pour the champagne.

Oh, I don't want to do that.

Sure, I'll pour drinks all week long. I don't want to be put... Oh, I know.

Why don't you open up my present?

Oh, thanks, Dave, but Jack and I decided not to open any presents until after

school. Oh, well, I will not be able to see your face when you lay eyes on it

for the first time. I don't want to be cheated out of that.

I mean, no, it's not right to be cheated on seeing the joy on the faces of my

two closest friends when they open up their gift I took weeks to find.

Gee, Abe, I've never seen you so sentimental.

Yeah. Okay, I'll open it.

All right.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here? Yeah.

A little tiny TV.

All right, let me tell you, this is a good piece of equipment.

Ooh, ooh, look.

It comes with a little earpiece for private viewing.

Yeah, let me test it out.

Yep, yep.

Works like a charm.

All right, everybody, a little shampoosie. Hey, where's the groom?

You can't have a toast without the groom, huh?

He's upstairs dressing.

Oh, you'll never guess what happened this morning.

The New York Times called.

And wants him to come in on an interview. He's got to be there in half

Today? I know, I know, I know. But it just kind of came up all of a sudden.

Jack thinks he can really land this job if he can just make the right

impression. Dana, I need you up here.

Hey, Jacko, come on down. We're having a champagne toast.

Can't really do it without you.

Dana!

Jack, I told you to get the clip -on bow tie. I don't know how to tie those damn

things either. For crying out loud, you're not dressed yet. What are you

up there?

I have a problem.

I was trying to color my hair, you know, get some of the gray out so I looked

good for the wedding pictures, and now... Oh, this is a disaster.

No, we can handle it.

I want you to run down to the drugstore in the corner and pick up a bottle of

Lady Clairol.

Well, I'm out humiliating myself. Can I get anybody else anything?

Maybe some tampons, some suppositories, maybe some yeast infection products.

No, forget it, Ray. I don't have time to recolor my hair.

Geez, I've got to be at the New York Times in, what, 20 minutes.

What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Maybe if you also pierce your

nose, they'll hire you as the theater critic.

All right, all right. Everybody calm down.

Panic is going to get us nowhere.

Just tell them that you...

Volunteer to toxic waste dump or wear a hat, scarf. You don't have a fun wig, do

you? It's getting late. I gotta go.

Dana, you can't worry about this. Years from now, you'll look back on this

and... And not be able to laugh because the night nurse has buckled my

straitjacket on two times.

Everything will be fine.

Because I have promised myself that I will have a stress -free day.

All I have to do is just remember how much I love Jack and all the funny

he does.

He's so funny. He is a funny man.

Well, I don't know how you can be so calm, Peter.

I mean, I feel like I got so much pressure on me just being the best man.

mean, I'm a nervous wreck.

Really, Ray? I couldn't tell with the entire Ursa Major constellation mapped

on your face in blood and Kleenex.

All right, I'm nervous, okay?

I mean, being best man and all, Jack asked me to... Read a prayer in Hebrew

during the ceremony.

I mean, I know it's a big honor and everything, but I'm having a hard time

it. Let me run this by you guys one time, okay? You know, I want to bring

all of its colors. I want to give it depth.

I want the people to feel moved, all right?

Okay.

Here we go.

Good evening.

Baruch atah Adonai.

Eloheinu melech.

What do you think? Did that movie at all?

Hello?

Yes, this is C.

What?

Well, how can it be a stringed quartet if the cellist isn't going to be there?

walking down the aisle to Vivaldi's Four Seasons played by a stringed trio.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all have problems.

Well, just get another stringed instrument.

The cellist is in jail for selling crack out of his cello.

I think you are handling things very well. Much better than me on my wedding

day. I spent the entire night throwing up. And I actually fainted when I saw my

husband naked on our wedding night.

Not because he was so well endowed, but because I saw him standing in the

bathroom trying on my pumps and my veil.

You make a few adjustments, you move on.

Hey,

hey. What's going on here? Can't a guy pee in private?

Going in a barn or something?

Shoot, Kitty, shoot. We need some room.

You guys help me step into this. No, no, Dana, Dana.

You don't step into a wedding gown. You dive into it. You commit, like going

over the cliffs in Acapulco. All right, all right. I'm diving, I'm diving. Good

girl. Now you got the hang of it. Oh, look at this. Hundreds of seed pearls

sewn on by hand. Yeah. I'd say it took, what, 12 women, 200 man hours, or three

cents an hour? Just look.

Wow, this silk is gorgeous. Isn't this just every little girl's dream?

I wonder what kind of wedding dress the workers wear when they get married. Oh,

I forgot, there are only ten.

Look,

look, there's a note thrown into the lining. Help me, help me, he won't let

sleep. I'll smack you, I swear to God.

Dana, dear, breathe in.

I am breathing in.

All right, make yourself useful. Here, take that end and pull toward me.

Careful.

Ugh, jeez, it's like trying to close an overstuffed suitcase.

Okay, lay on the bed. We'll sit on you. Oh, very nice. Just stop talking at

home.

Oh, I'm so humiliating. I don't even fit in the dress, and I hate it.

I hate the dress.

I look like that good witch of the north, short -ethnic hipster.

Most human men would give their opposable thumbs to be in my position

But this does nothing for me.

I've been more excited by a ball of yarn.

I'm retaining water.

I always retain water this time of month.

Although not usually this much.

I guess it's... because I'm a little late.

Late? Let us hope you're talking about a Visa card payment.

I'm late with my period.

Well... How late? A week.

Well... Well, it's understandable.

You're under a lot of stress, and stress has a way of throwing off a woman's

cycle. Not mine.

I'm always on time.

Always.

You know that atomic clock they have in Colorado? They wait to see when I buy

tampons. That's how they fit it.

Oh, God, God.

I'm really worried.

What if I'm pregnant?

Jack, no.

Are you kidding? He's on the edge as it is. Have you seen him? He looks like an

extra in an Ed Wood movie.

Dana, honey, don't you want to know?

No.

Yes.

I'm just afraid to find out one way or the other.

I don't know how I'll react.

I've been trying not to think about it, but I'll tell you, I don't think I can

take the suspense anymore. I don't think I can walk down that aisle without

having the answer. I could run down to the drugstore and pick up one of those

home pregnancy kits, and it'll only take a minute. And hey, that could be your

something blue. Just go.

Fred, how about a little snack first? I'm willing to share with you.

Turn left at the refrigerator.

Left, I said.

Oh, poiled again.

What was that all about? I don't know, and I don't care.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

I can't believe it. I made it. I made it.

Guess what, guys? I got the job.

Hey! All right, congratulations.

Hey! How about that, huh? I'm now a columnist for the New York Times, and I

didn't even have to explain to the guy about my pants and my hair. Turns out

managing editor had this really bad como.

He wasn't about to say nothing.

What a day, huh? And I'm raring to get married. Yeah, all right. Is she ready

yet? Hey there, Jack. Hi.

She's almost ready. She just has to take care of one insignificant, tiny little

detail. Just a little thing.

Oh, hey, hey. Go deep.

Here.

Is everything okay, Meg?

Yes, it's fine. Just had to run out and get Dana some chapstick.

Lipstick. Lip balm.

Things for lips.

Their lift has to be perfect. It's all about the lift.

Oh, how about the interview? What happened? Oh, I got the job. I am now a

columnist for the New York Times. Yes! Oh, wow, Jack, that's so great.

Congratulations. What a day.

Oh, my God, my hair is purple.

Okay, everybody, just a few more minutes and we'll be ready to go. I've got to

tell Dana about the job. She's going to be really excited. Hey, you know, Jack,

wait. No, she needs a moment of solitary meditation.

Even in a room with a toilet?

I do.

I must be the luckiest guy in the world.

So tell me, I'm dying to know, did you get the job?

You'll be pleased to know that you're marrying a man who's gainfully employed

with full medical coverage.

Oh, Jeff!

Hey,

Dana.

What is this?

Some hair conditioner and a box of grape nut sides.

Jack, I'm not going to lie to you today of all days. It's a home pregnancy test.

Oh.

Oh, jeez.

Do you know yet?

It's still cooking.

If this wand turns blue, I am.

Well, this is an interesting turn of events, huh?

You know, of all the thousands of things that we have talked about, we have

cleverly managed to avoid the subject of children.

What do you think about them?

I don't know.

I guess I, you know, pictured myself with a couple of kids, you know, playing

sandlot ball in the park with them, watching them run to bases while I sat

the park bench and clipped coupons and polished my walker.

Maybe we're too old to have a child.

Boy, it has been a pretty crazy day so far, huh?

Yeah. Oh, Dana, all we have to do is remember why we decided to get married

the first place.

Which is?

I love you very much.

And I promise to have you, hold you, to cherish you in sickness and in health.

And through whatever major dental work you might have.

I promise to.

Love you and keep you and be in charge of all your grooming and wardrobe needs.

I will always stay by you because you were my partner in

life.

Kiss the bride.

Look at this dick, Jack.

It's... not blue.

I'm not pregnant.

Oh.

Now we know, huh?

Or really.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Jack, I want a baby!

I do, too. Right now!

Dana, look, will you at least marry me first?

You're so conventional.

Do you know what this means?

Why don't you watch?

I really did gain five pounds.

What are you talking for?

Can we just hurry up and get this wedding thing over with? Because I want

back here and start trying to make that baby.

Because it's going to take me like an hour to get you out of that dress.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Party's over. Get your stuff.

Everybody in the limo. Come on, move it, move it, move it. Let's go.

I want to take a picture. No, in the car, in the car. I'm taking the little

You are not taking that. Jack Tiller, I can.

He can.

Jack, I'm telling you, buddy, you're getting old permission.

They take off the blazer just for the ride.

Do you have that something blue yet? No, that's why we're rushing.

Hey, where are you going?

You forgot to feed me.

Fine, ignore me.

I'm going to pee on the couch.

You'll never get the smell out.

Well, at least they have each other.

I mean, it's not like I'm completely unsentimental.

Maybe it's not so bad to have somebody here on to snuggle with, to share some

catnip with, someone to bring home a juicy mouse when you're laid up and

get one for yourself.

Oh, man, I'm just making myself hungrier.

But, hey, something tells me they'll be back soon enough.

Air ball.