Original subtitles

Listen, pal, it's my wedding, and I want it right. Now, both the reception

napkins and the matchbooks are printed wrong.

What's the problem? Well, first of all, the groom's name is Jack Stein.

So good luck, Dana Palladino, and Jack Stain is not going to work.

Well, fix it.

My God.

I must have been completely insane to want a big traditional wedding. Not

insane. Teenage is fulfilling every little girl's dream. Well, everyone

Big Sad Meg here.

Jackie, it's not charity, for God's sakes. I'm your sister.

You're out of work. You need a job. I can buy you a job. You need more hair? I

can arrange that, too.

Stop that.

Oh, just like when he was a kid.

Everyone, remember my sister Barbara?

Hi, y 'all.

Jackie, do me a favor, honey, and put the luggage in the back before it grows

legs and gets away.

And tuck in your shirt.

So, Barbara, long time no see. We were sorry to hear about the passing of your

husband last year. Oh, thanks. It was such a surprise he was only 80.

Not like my first three husbands who were quite elderly when they were taken

from me.

My friends in Dallas have helped me through it, and although I am no longer

wife of the ranch -dressing king, the three cents I make on every bottle keeps

his memory alive.

Oh, and this must be the lovely bride.

Barbara, so great to finally meet you. Big hugs. Don't hurt yourself on the

turquoise.

And please, call me Barb.

Barb? Since when is it Barb?

Jackie, please, can I live my life?

girl's room. Right back there.

All right, I'll be right back. And then we can get on down to this ding -dang

wedding thing.

Yee -haw!

Ah, the Witta Stein, ladies and gentlemen.

The woman I know has a punch card at a funeral home.

Kill four, get the fifth one free.

Well, I like her. But no calf roping at the reception.

Yee -haw.

I bet you're looking forward to letting off a little steam at the old bachelor

party, huh, Jack?

More than you know. Listen, it's taken Jack Stein 42 years to get this far. I

want to go out wholeheartedly. What do you have prepared for me, Abe? Hey,

please. I'm the best man. I'm in charge of the bachelor party. It's tradition.

No offense, Ray, but have you ever been to a stag party? All right.

break and i always use a little help look we start off at peter luger's with

blood rare steak then a little bar hopping i got a lower east side pub tour

i take close friends to mary margaret don't interrupt her i'm trying to

visualize now as far as the entertainment portion of mary margaret

might not be the duke of bachelor parties but i know one thing you're sure

hell not gonna be there what are you joking I'm Jack's best friend. I taught

how to tie a tie.

I got him into the half -court game at the Y. I listened while he told me Cindy

Crawford flirted with him at a party and I pretended to believe him.

Excuse me, Mary Margaret. I mean, you know I love you dearly, but who died and

left you a penis, huh?

to agree with them, but listen, women are not allowed at a bachelor party, all

right? It's tradition, and as you know, you start fooling with tradition, the

whole fabric of our society will fall apart.

All right, fine.

Have your little thinking party.

I'm going over there with the girls, and I'm going to plan an even raunchier

good time. Our party is going to be so much better than yours, you're going to

wish you wore a bra.

Oh, my God.

It's a cozy teacup where they make a very tasty finger sandwich.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah. Woo! Play that party, honey. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Great. Wow. Woo!

So anyway, Jack, aside from the steakhouse and the poker game, I thought

little entertainment was essential.

So I pulled the guys down to the dump.

Well, the same two words kept coming up. Please tell me it wasn't chase rats.

No, my friends, I'm talking about... Exotic Dancers. Exotic Dancers. Yes,

Exotic Dancers.

That's right, Jack. Well, Exotic Dancers isn't all you've won. Your fantasy

evening will begin with you and your closest friends taking an old -fashioned

steam down at the Turkish Baths on 10th Street. Then, join the big party for

food and booze, and then to a hotel room to play cards until the arrival of...

And I'll let you say it, Jack.

Exotic Dancers.

And we attach all the ribbons and bows from your gifts to a paper plate, and at

the end of the night, you get to wear it as a hat.

Well,

Ray, I got to tell you, man, taking the steam aboard a bachelor plane is a great

idea. Thank you, Mom.

I saw it as a ritual cleansing, if you will.

I'm glad I flew in for this, Jack.

There was no way I was going to miss seeing my old college roommate tied to a

knot. Hard to believe, Ronnie.

Hey, how do you get yourself to look like that?

How do you get yourself to look like that?

So, for the record, Ronnie, what was the old Jack Stein like back in college?

Pretty much the same.

Except he had bell bottoms and an afro.

Only two white guys that worked on it.

It just goes to show you how much can change in 20 years. I mean, here, Jack

Stein, card -carrying bachelor, is finally committing to a relationship and

marriage the same year Renee and I are getting a divorce.

What? You and Renee are divorcing? I had no idea. You always seem so happy.

I mean, everybody always loved Renee.

Oh, yeah.

She's really a sweetheart.

A gem.

But, hey!

Tonight's not about me.

It's about Jack Stein and his lovely and stable bride, Dana.

Hey, Jack, I hope you like the steakhouse I picked up.

They give you a ruler and a piece of chalk. You get to go right in the meat

locker and mark the size and cut you want.

Just watch your back, that's all.

Or signs.

Warnings.

If there's a change in sleepwear.

She says she's cold, can't wear the lacy stuff anymore.

Or if you come home from work and she's sitting on the couch in the dark as dusk

wanes and says, why don't you think of something for dinner for watching your

damn life?

But hey, you won't have a problem with Dana. She's a chef.

Whoa, whoa, I got a question.

If we're sitting here opening our pores letting the sweat out, what stops other

people's sweat from seeping into our skin?

Can't you just sweat without thinking, Abe? Hey, you'll love this, Jack. I got

hold of Tusky Berkowitz, Beerbong Elman, and Pigeon Clark.

Fantastic. These are old brat buddies from college. What's everybody up to

days, eh?

Well, Tusky's taking over his dad's baby clothes company.

He's divorced, living in Sheepshead Bay.

Beerbong's a judge on the Ninth Circuit.

His divorce finally came through.

And Pigeon's working as a general contractor.

But he won't be here tonight.

He's laid up for a few weeks. Oh, a construction accident?

No, his wife shot him.

Would you stop scaring a man already written in my tux?

Nobody has to worry about me, okay?

Because I have decided not to be scared anymore.

So 50 % of the people in this country get divorced. Jack Stein has always

marched to the beat of a different drummer.

She shot him?

It was just a flesh war.

Besides, Jack, that doesn't mean it's going to happen to you.

You and Danny have got something special.

Even if, God forbid, the worst happens and you get a divorce, it's not the end

of the world. You pick up. You move on.

She wants my dog, Jack.

Smiley?

She's trying to convince the judge I'm an unfit pet owner.

The dog's 15 years old.

She's trying to take his last living brush from me.

Oh, wow.

A cow oven timer.

those very often. Now, if you don't like it or you already have one, speak up.

This is just a little fun gift.

I didn't want to carry the box of steaks on the plane, so I had them sent.

Same with the case of ranch dressing. And I went a little crazy with the

lingerie. Some people like fringe, some don't. Just tell me I don't have

feelings, I return.

Oh, Barb, you really knocked yourself out here. I just don't know what to say.

Just don't know what to say.

Dana, the card goes in the scrapbook, dear. The ribbon goes on the hat. Now,

Meg, you are supposed to be writing down Dana's first reactions when she opens

her gift.

It's all part of a little game we're going to play later. You'll see. I'm

getting it down.

It's going a little slow.

I'm not used to writing with a quill.

Boy, what a party.

I feel married already.

I almost forgot. There's a whole pile of telegrams here from some of your pals

who couldn't make it.

Here, let's see.

Dana, can't believe you're getting married. Sorry to miss the big bash.

Morocco for some sun. Have a wonderful life. We'll all miss you.

Ciao, Celine. See, I'm just getting married. I'm not falling off the edge of

planet. That's from Elijah.

Dear Dana, stop. I'm delayed in Holland. Stop.

Regarding impending marriage, for the love of God, stop.

Just kidding. Good luck. And if you decide to play glass when Cypress is a

rotten egg.

All right. All right. Enough with the telegrams. Back to the gift. Open mind.

Hurry. Meg, what are you getting sentimental on me? You actually wrapped

Please. The guy at the store did it.

Oh,

a fist of Jack Daniels.

Oh, well. Oh, yes. That is a really useful household item. What household?

It's for now. Look around. It looks like somebody's sewing basket exploded.

You can only get a good stiff drink. Give me that.

Meg, would you please try to get on the same page as everyone else?

This is the traditional bridal shower, and we are going to do traditional

things. Now, Dana, put on the hat.

Nadine, do I... Come on, come on. Put on this hat. This is the fun part. This is

fun. Believe me, you'll see. It's fun. Put it on. It's fun.

Are you all right, Nadine? Yes, I'm fine. Just put it on. And while Dana is

tying on the hat, Meg is going to read us... Some of the things Dana said when

she opened her gifts. And it's going to be the same things that she says to Jack

when she sees him naked on their wedding night. Okay, go ahead.

Just give me a minute now. Oh, for God's sake, sorry.

All right.

What Dana will say to Jack when she sees him naked.

Oh, it's so cute. I've never seen one so tiny. I'll have to find a special place

to put it.

on the very same day that my ex -husband's new girlfriend scored 1 ,200

SAT.

Nadine, I don't want you to think I don't appreciate all the work you put

this, but look at us.

We're having a party in Mary Poppins' birthplace.

This is not good, people.

Maybe this is the way it's done, but it just doesn't feel like me.

That's very moving, Dana, but you'd have a lot more credibility if you weren't

wearing a paper plate on your head.

Well, I say to hell with tradition. I think we ought to blow this joint, do

something wild. I think we should start by crashing the boys' party at the hotel

and terrorize the rest of New York from there, huh?

So I drive home from work, a day like any other, I open up the front door, I

step inside, not a stick of furniture in the place. She had been planning it for

months. The moving company, the storage facility, and I mean everything was

gone. My LPs, my yearbooks, my shaving kit. What the hell does she want with

shaving kit?

It's definitely hotter in here than in a regular steam room.

No hotter than I'm going to be in that courtroom.

All I'm saying, Jack, it's not too late. Make Dana sign something now. And it's

not like you can't do it romantically.

Oh, guys.

Hey, Jack, you okay?

Oh, my chest is feeling a little tight here.

You want to do something, Jack?

No, you guys just stay and sweat off a few more pounds while I just go in this

corner here and die.

Yes, I want you to do something.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

I'll go call an ambulance.

Oh, jeez. I better call the steakhouse.

Holders, Barb, I knew they would come in handy.

Hey, the boys rented out a very nice room. Look at all of this. I mean,

cards, unhealthy snacks. I'm in heaven. What have we here? A little movie.

Pulp Friction.

Ordinary People.

Oh, wait till your husband's 80.

Where are those guys anyway?

It's after 10 o 'clock.

They're probably out there having the time of their lives.

Look up, please.

What the hell are you doing looking at my eyes?

It's my heart.

Don't you know anything?

And you better be Jewish, because I'm not paying full price for a Gentile

doctor.

Now, take this scene, for instance.

This is where... porno films lose all credibility.

Show me a U .S. postal worker that actually brings the mail to the door.

Takes off his uniform and gets into the hot tub. Look at him, like mailmen ever

have bodies like that.

Uh -oh, here comes the gardener.

Yeah, right, I don't even see a rake. Oh, he's got a rake, all right.

I mean, is that really an effective way for that lady to be blowing up that pool

toy?

Lady, that's not a pool toy.

Oh, you must be the strippers.

Oh, sorry.

We don't do these kind of parties.

So listen, I've got to go to court next week. You've been through it.

What exactly constitutes perjury?

Why are you hanging in there, buddy?

Oh, great.

It's just a contrast to that heart monitor. I want to see what it looks

when I die.

Mr. Stein, your lab report is back.

The good news is you didn't have a heart attack. Oh, thank God. The bad news is

you had a pretty severe anxiety attack.

In layman's terms, that means the blood vessels feeding your heart rapidly

constricted do impart to heat prostration, but I'm guessing that

involved. Tell me something.

Is anything unusual going on in your life?

Not really, although I'm getting married in a couple of days. You're getting

married? Yeah.

Congratulations. Good thing you're not a doctor, my friend.

Did you know that once they put you through med school, they got a piece of

for the rest of your life?

Well, that's just me.

I'm sure you're marrying a wonderful gal. You're going to be just... fine.

Just to be on the safe side, I'm going to keep you here overnight for

observation.

What the hell is going on with me, Ray?

I'm so anxious over getting married, I've almost killed myself.

Come on, Jack. Everybody gets nervous before the big day, you know. Yeah, but

not everybody gets mouth -to -mouth from a paramedic named Mitch.

Ray, I think it's a sign, man.

Can't get Mitch off your mind, can you?

No.

I mean, maybe this marriage thing is a mistake.

Oh, come on, Jack. You and Dana were made for each other. Look at me. Look at

this. Look at me.

All right.

Say you were going to die.

Whose is the last face you'd want to see before you went?

Dana.

It's not that simple, Ray.

Yeah, I think it is. I think it's just that simple.

I mean, you two love each other.

Just for one minute, picture what your life would be like without her. Go

What do you see?

I see poker games two nights a week.

I see a cupboard full of delicious meat byproducts.

I see your face way too much.

I see myself in line at the bank hoping I get the cute teller.

And I see me at my next birthday walking back and forth in front of Dana's

building, satisfied just to get a mere glimpse of her because my life is so

pathetic.

What have we learned here, Jack?

that I made the right decision picking you as my best man.

remove my blazer.

an herb tea.

Well, well, look who's back to the land of the living.

What time did the hospitals bring you?

About an hour ago.

Man, I slept like a baby last night. What is it about hospitals?

I guess it's the Demerol.

No,

I guess she's still at the market. I haven't heard from her.

Now remember, Abe, there's no reason Dana should know anything about what

happened to me last night, okay?

I'll take it to the grave, my brother.

You are my man. Yeah. Now, If you don't mind, I'm going to help myself to a

couple of pieces of toast. All right.

Don't make a sound, Dave, unless you're plopping something fizzy in a glass.

My God, did you finally spring for the 75 -watt bulbs? Where are my sunglasses?

I thought I'd come by and have breakfast with you.

Being that I was out all night, are you all right?

Uh, yeah, I'm just a little upset.

The hand towels I got last night weren't the peach color I'd hoped for.

Oh, now that's hard.

Honey, you smell like a cigar.

Oh, you know, that guy at the fish market, he's always sucking on a big old

cheap stogie.

It's so annoying.

How was your big night?

Oh, well, you know, pretty wild.

Wish I could, you know, give you all the colorful details, but I'm afraid you

might faint.

I did take a little time out to think about you, and I think this is going to

a great thing, you know.

Getting married.

I do, too.

As long as we make a promise that we'll always, you know, break a few rules. I

mean, you know, not enough to land in prison or anything like that.

You got it.

We'll be the rule breakers of the world.

Who's that on your wrist, Jack?

Huh? Is that a hospital band?

Uh, this?

This, uh... This is not a hospital band. It looks like a hospital band, but

it's... Well, we took him to a club.

It was called The Emergency Room.

Oh!

What a crazy place.

You know, you carry your drinks around in an IV bag.

And then for five bucks, they take pictures of you with your friends, but

they're x -rays. Yeah.

I've got to take you there sometime after we're married, because we don't

to stop being spontaneous and crazy just because we're married.

Why do I not believe you, Jack?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because you have a tassel sticking out of your dress.

You know, what the hell would you want to?

Dana.

I am almost your husband, and I'm talking to you.