Original subtitles

Dad, it's not the end of the world. What do you mean it's not the end of the

world? Meg, for God's sakes, our paper is on strike.

I mean, look, if this thing doesn't end soon, it could be a financial disaster

for everyone.

Meg, our paper may very well fold because of this damn strike.

Strike? Did I hear the word strike?

That would be no strike with the Republican Congress. That's part of

contract with America.

And don't think I haven't memorized that beautiful piece of poetry.

Yeah, well, hey, why don't you tell that to the printers union, huh? Because

they just went out on strike this morning and all the other newspaper

have struck in support.

And this is ridiculous because this strike is not necessary.

Not necessary?

I heard the printers were faced with rollbacks in their salary, Jack.

That's pretty tough to take. Hey, look, Ray.

The paper hasn't made a profit in the last five years. Management says we

find ways to cut costs. They may shut the whole thing down.

Oh, yeah?

Why doesn't the CEO just take a pay cut from, oh, I don't know, 32 to 31 million

a year?

I might give the printers that five cents an hour they're looking for, just

thought. Meg, look, the paper needs to be made leaner. Now, even I can see

And since when are you such a big fan of the printers union? Hey, I have always

loved the printers. I mean, sure, they're covered with ink and you don't

touch them.

And sure, they got the girly calendars hanging on the wall, but that does not

mean that they're not entitled to a livable wage and decent health care.

Their health care plan is what's breaking the bank now. I mean, look,

insurance covers plastic surgery and their dental plan includes cosmetic

bonding. Well, don't you see, Jack? That's why I'm on their side. I might

to marry one of these guys when I'm 50 just to get an eye job and these coffee

stains off my teeth.

Matt, I made a special lunch just for you. Your favorite. Just how you like

Macaroni and cheese from a box. Don't tell anyone.

Thanks, honey, but I just lost my appetite. The paper's on strike.

What? He does not see the positive side of this. We have been working like dogs,

and now we get time off. Now, I want to go to the movies. Who wants to come?

May, will you please take this seriously?

While you're in the theater scarfing down goobers, the paper may fold.

And then what?

You and I would plan steel drums in the subway for spare change.

Jack, just calm down. Come on, it's just a strike.

In Italy, they're always on strike, and yet their shoes are the envy of the

world.

Italy?

And how do people know when the workers in Italy are on strike anyway?

They stop taking their nap between 12 and 2 every day?

They refuse to make love in the afternoon?

Well, Jack, where would you rather be from 12 to 2?

In Italy getting a little nookie, or in America waiting in line for a Whopper

with cheese?

Well, in a perfect world, we'd have time for both.

Well, I don't blame Jack for getting upset about the strike.

I worked on the auto line in Detroit for 15 years, and I saw the unions

practically kill the American auto industry.

Well, that and the crack design team who came up with the Pacer.

And the Pinto.

And the Gremlin.

Although in my book, the Gremlin got a bum rap.

It was darling.

and getting a little tired of the whole country's union bashing. I mean, I'm a

card -carrying member of the Sanitation Workers Union and darn proud of it.

With the union's power, the American worker was able to achieve a decent

safe work environment, and, well, recently, several well -attended singles

events.

Speaking of exploitation, Abe, maybe organizing the workers of the Blue

is not such a bad idea.

We work long hours, have to handle hot plates, we're forced to memorize endless

specials. You think postal workers are disgruntled? One day I'm going to take

the turkey baster and fill it with Tabasco sauce and go wild.

Will everyone please quit trying to focus all the attention on themselves?

What about me?

Look, my entire livelihood is at jeopardy here. Jack, will you listen to

the strike will be over in a week management is bluffing when they say

scrap the paper and the printers are bluffing when they say they got the

to stay out for more than one paycheck you don't know that well i better be

right i just maxed out my credit card in a 1200 massage chair the interest is

highway robbery but it's worth every penny because it allows me to get a knot

out of my shoulder without the menace of human contact i feel really sorry for

you my friend because this strike is going to go on forever did you see those

union guys today they're nuts They booed me off the podium, and I was just

trying to talk sense to them.

It's because you opened your speech with, Good morning, communist killers of

American way.

It was a metaphor.

Here's a metaphor for you, Jack. I am going to treat this whole strike like

big adult snow day. Now, I am going to the movies. Anybody want to come?

Okay. See ya.

Well, you know, Jack, I have to agree with you. I mean, I think that you

look at this as a big opportunity. I mean, it's free time. It's like a gift.

I know what I'd do with all that free time.

Yeah, sweetie, but I don't want to go to Chinatown and take a class on how to

behead a duck.

Well, there must be something that you've always wanted to do and just

the time for.

No, I'm a newspaper columnist, and I've always wanted to write my column.

You know, I need an outlet for my opinions. I need to stir things up.

when I'm happiest.

Well, well.

book you've always wanted to, huh? Why not tackle that?

My novel?

Yeah, sure. It's just like a column, except longer. And there's the added

of being able to dedicate it to me.

Well, you know, I have been putting a novel off for years.

I guess I could start it now, couldn't I? Yes, you could.

And when it's a big seller and some big Hollywood studio is paying you a fortune

to turn it into a screenplay for, uh...

Kevin Costner and some actors who could only hope to be as interesting as me.

Who will you have to thank for it?

The woman that makes me macaroni and cheese out of a box.

If I die, don't put that on my tombstone.

I love you. I love you.

Hey, guys.

Oh, no.

How's it going?

So, hey, my man. Anything interesting happen since the last time I saw you?

you mean an hour ago?

I thought you were heading home to work on your novel.

You guys can take a break.

You know, you gotta get up and walk around every once in a while.

Yeah, it's part of the creative process.

Hemingway used to write two sentences and then go shoot an elephant.

Dana!

He's back.

Oh, Jack.

You're here again.

Did you even write one sentence today?

Oh, gee, Dana, it's so damn quiet in that apartment. I guess I'm, you know,

to all the noise and hubbub in the newspaper.

You know, I've been thinking that maybe I'll just start writing right here. Oh,

God.

Now, look, Dana, Dana, now you promised you'd keep him away from here.

He's bugging the customers. I'm losing business.

I know, Abe, but just be patient with him. He needs to get out and mix it up

with people. He's an opinion columnist. He's an opinion column withdrawal.

Hey, Bill, please, Abe.

So, Ray, how you doing, buddy?

Fine.

I'm doing fine, too.

You know, Ray, I've been thinking.

This Newt Gingrich guy, I mean, he wants to bring back orphanages. You for that

or against it?

Cut it out, Jack.

What? I'm just trying to make a little friendly conversation.

Gee, I don't know, Jack. A chat about whether the government should rip babies

away from their unemployed mothers?

You know, it may be hard to keep that one completely frothy.

Well, what if these women are addicted, huh? Or abusive?

You know what, Jack?

Whatever you say, I agree with you completely.

Look, there's a guy down there who looks like he'd vote for Quayle in 96.

Why don't you go harass him?

Hello.

Hello. Pretty cold out there today, huh?

I'll say. Yeah.

How do you feel about school prayer?

What? You know, prayer in a public school is a pretty major topic right

for or against?

For it, I guess. Oh, so you'd like to see the entire separation between church

and state completely thrown out, huh?

A law concept that our founding fathers thought was essential to a democracy.

Well, no. You know, Thomas Jefferson wrote that we should maintain a high

between government and religion in order to ensure the freedom of both. But,

hey, what the hell did he know, right?

All right, all right. Maybe we shouldn't have school prayer.

Oh, so now Congress can start their session with a prayer, but the poor

school kids, they shouldn't have the same right, huh?

Bartender? Yeah?

This should cover my drink and cancel my lunch order.

Uh -uh.

Come on.

Hello,

ladies. We've got boyfriends.

and force a death penalty to its fullest.

How do you feel about that?

Well, that's a bad pick -up line.

Excuse me, ladies. My friend forgot he's not allowed to fraternize with the

customers. What, now I can't talk just because one or two people can't handle a

little stimulating conversation?

Oh, you mean the ones who just want to have a nice, quiet, expensive meal so

they can tell their friends what a great place this is? You know, I've been

trying to get rid of those troublemakers myself.

Now, listen, Jack.

Now, listen, I'm letting you stay here because I feel sorry for you with the

strike and everything.

But if I catch you so much as saying euthanasia to another customer, you're

history. All right, all right, Abe. I'll cut it out.

God, I'm sorry.

I mean, it's just that it seems the strike is going to last forever. It

people do crazy things.

Oh, my God.

Okay, save it, Jack. I just need a little extra dough to pay the bills. I

a whole week without a paycheck.

Mary Margaret, I mean, you've been working for 15 years. Haven't you saved

money? Hey.

I saved like a miser. How do you think I lasted a week?

Abe, I don't get this. You agreed to let her work here? Yeah, for two reasons.

One, I believe in work fair and not welfare.

And two, it's so damn hilarious to watch.

Okay, okay, cut the chitchat here. Now listen, missy, you are on the clock, and

you're going to need every penny you earn because management doesn't pay any

benefit. Oh, excuse me, miss. I believe my fork is a little dirty.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me take care of that for you.

Excuse me, waitress?

Yes, yes.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Now you listen to me.

I know this is going to be hard for you, but be nice.

If you won't do it for me, do it for the honor of the profession.

Oh, sure, the chef gets all the glory, but...

From the humblest diner to the most elegant four -star restaurant, it's the

waiters and the waitresses who are the true unsung heroes in this peculiar

ritual. Wait, shut up!

Really?

Hello, how are you?

That's a beautiful dress, and oh, that's a lovely suit. How may I help you?

Actually, the salmon tastes a little off.

And who are you, the guy who determines the salmon standard for the United

States? No.

I may taste bad.

I can't tell. Actually, hang on a second.

That's pretty good.

Mind if I try the potatoes?

No. All right. Now, these are great. Although, I'm sure you've got a problem

with them, right? Does he complain about you in bed? Because it's probably not

you.

I'm sorry.

I am so, so sorry.

You should be. This woman is a terrible waitress. Isn't she, though? But she's

come so far since the accident.

And it's her work that keeps her going.

Get away from them.

Get away from everybody.

Just go back into that kitchen and garnish.

Abe.

Yeah. Forget all that talk about going union. Just forget it. I know we'd have

health plan and everything, but then I couldn't fire her. And right now, I'd

like the right to can her ass at will.

I thought I told you not to send her back in there. She's putting parsley

on the chocolate mousse.

Well, it's better than what's going on over there.

What, what, is that your argument? Is that your point of view? Why don't you

just go ahead and parrot everything that Ted Koppel says, huh? I'm getting out

of here. And don't try following me. I'm wearing a whistle.

What, what?

Just asking to pass the sugar.

Yeah.

Pass the sugar and when does a fetus become a human being?

That's right. Yes, we had two days of lousy cable reception last month, and I

reported it.

Yeah, so that is two days of crappy reception, which means that my bill

have been, oh, one -fifteenth less, which means you owe me exactly $3 .75.

What? Can I hold?

Oh, yes, I can hold.

I can hold all night.

I'm Jack Stein from the Register.

We're on strike, baby. I'm your worst nightmare.

What are you doing, Jack?

You're not disputing another bill, are you? Shh.

What? What?

Yes, I'm still here all right.

Hmm?

What do you mean there seems to be some problem with the cable wire?

No, I don't recall anyone drilling into the floorboard here.

Listen,

my time is very valuable, okay?

So I'm going to let the $3 and whatever just go this time.

Okay.

Jack, what is that thing wrapped around your hand?

This? No, it's nothing.

Don't tell me it's nothing. You've had a drill accident, haven't you? Oh, damn.

A drill accident? What makes you think something like that? Because there's a

trail of blood leading from your hand to the drill.

So it slipped.

It's just a flesh wound. I'm going to be fine.

What are you doing home in the middle of the day anyway?

I brought you a little lunch.

Oh.

So you feel a little guilty about banning Jack Stein from the Shamrock?

Jack, you were not banned.

Abe and I just...

Thought that it might be better for all concerned if you just didn't go there

for a while. But it's not like you have to hold yourself up in the apartment

here like the Symbionese Liberation Army.

Well, I was planning on going out, but then, you know, everything just

I was alphabetizing your records and CDs, and I'd gotten down to Seals and

Croft, which, by the way, I forgive you for.

And the doorbell rang.

Wait a minute, Jack.

I'm seeing something here on the table that I didn't see this morning.

The Book of Mormon?

Yeah, well, you know, when I opened the door, these Mormons were there, and I

invited them in. You what?

You know, at first, I wasn't going to do it, but then I thought, you know, maybe

I could learn something. I mean, you know, I don't know everything.

So I invited them in for coffee.

And, of course, you know, they couldn't drink it because it's a stimulant.

It's a fascinating religion.

And then I offered them liquor just to test them.

Jack, sit down. We have to talk.

Again?

Jack, now look, I realize how stressful this strike has been on you. I know that

it's upsetting to have your routine interrupted, but for God's sake, it's

been a few weeks and already you've alienated all your friends, you've spent

half the day on the phone challenging petty bills, and now you're inviting

Mormons in for stimulants. Come on, Jack, you're not leading a rich, full

here. All right, look, Dana, this is not easy for me. I'm suffering here. I'm

suffering, too. One day I'm going to be here alone and the Mormons are going to

come back. They always come back.

help but notice, Jack, that the cat is unusually fluffy.

Tell me the truth, Jack.

Did you wash the cat?

He was dusty.

Oh, you washed the cat. You can't do that. I mean, I'm going to have to put

in some kind of support group. Now, listen, you've gone too far.

Dana, I'm a newspaper columnist, and this damn strike has taken that away

me. You say you want me to go out and do things? Why? What is the point?

Before, when I used to walk around, if I bumped into a homeless guy, it would

turn into a column. If I got into an argument with a pretzel vendor,

of people read about it the next day.

Hell, if I got mugged in the subway, I was on my way to a Pulitzer.

Do you understand what I'm saying here?

Nothing has any meaning anymore.

Well, maybe this news will help a little bit.

Meg says they're calling a strike vote tomorrow.

Dana! This is the break in the clouds we've been waiting for.

You know what? This thing can go either way. I should get down there. Maybe I

should sway some people to settle.

Hey, am I seeing a little of the old Jack Stein?

Can't talk now, honey. I got work to do.

I'm going to write the speech of a lifetime.

Yeah, hey, get in there and fight. Turn this thing around. If not for me, for

James, I don't think there is a hair club for cats.

Did you go over there? What'd you find out?

Yeah, they're counting the votes right now.

They would have gone a lot sooner if Jack didn't go into this whole speech

the Mormon work ethic.

All right, everybody, gather around. We got to have a strategy meeting.

Now, just in case the unthinkable happens and the strike goes on... Oh,

no.

Dear God, I never asked you for anything before except for that one time I

really needed to get out of that Spanish jail. And by the way, thank you again

for that. But trust me, this thing with Jack is worse.

Well, amen to that.

But just in case, we got to have some ground rules for Jack, okay?

All right.

Now, number one, don't talk to him.

It'll only encourage him, okay?

All right, number two.

If he asks you a question, don't talk to him.

All right?

Well, that just about does it. Any questions?

Uh -oh.

She's not smiling.

She doesn't look employed.

Oh, my God, how am I going to break it to the cat?

I'm sorry to report that as of 3 .45 p .m., the newspaper strike is

officially over.

There is a God, and he has smiled upon us. Oh, my God, I can't believe

it's finally over. Oh, Jack must be so happy. Where is he? Well, he'll be here

in a minute. I'm talking to the managing editor on his way out.

You know, by the way, I just, I don't know how to break it to you, Abe, but I

quit.

Couldn't take it, huh? Many are called, few are chosen. Yeah. To Meg, you did a

terrible job, and I am thrilled to see you go. Oh, thank you, Ava, and I trust

you'll retire my April. Oh, yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, here's the king.

All right.

Well, my friend, it looks like we are going to be going back to the old grind.

Hey, want to sneak out Friday and see a movie? Movies would be fun again now

that we're supposed to be at work. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

What's the matter, honey?

Nothing.

Something's wrong.

You're smiling too big. I can see your gums. That's not a good sign.

All right, look, I didn't want to spoil the celebration, but I guess I have to

tell you sometime anyway.

Tell us what?

Well, the editor pulled me aside after the strike, and it is an expensive

settlement. He said they're going to have to make some cutbacks, you know,

become leaner, like I said.

And one of the ways they found was to get rid of the opinion.

You know, they're just going to, you know, get some syndicated columnists off

the wire service because it's cheaper.

What? I mean, you've been writing this column for 12 years. They can't do that.

Yeah, well, they did do it.

I'm fired.

I really don't feel much like champagne right now.

Jack.

Oh, honey, I don't know what to say.

What can anybody say, huh?

You know, I never told anyone this before, but one of the reasons I was

that I wrote for the paper was that they always gave the employees a nice

obituary when they died.

I always knew that my obituary would write a big box in the paper.

Now I'm just going to be in some long list of dead guys that no one ever heard

of.

Hey, when you die, it's going to be front -page news. You'll see.

Well, actually, you won't see, but you know what I mean.

Damn it, I can't believe they fired me.

I cared about that paper.

I put my heart and soul into it.

I was the best columnist they ever had, and they just got rid of me.

Well, you'll see. They'll be sorry.

Oh, please, it doesn't matter.

It's all about the bottom line.

I've read a column about it, but I can't.

I'm fired.

Dana, hell, I'm scared.

I mean, I haven't been unemployed since I was in high school.

I know I haven't been exactly a picnic around here, and I'm sorry. Oh, no.

It hasn't been all that bad.

You're a really bad liar.

Yeah, you're right.

Look, honey, we'll get you there.

You hear that?

I said wheel.

That's the first time for me.

I guess that's what happens when you go and do something stupid like fall in

love.

I'll tell you something.

I'll watch your back if you'll watch mine.