Original subtitles

Here, please, Dave, and put it on my tab.

Uh -oh, I'm sensing another trip to Atlantic City.

You lost your shirt, didn't you? My shirt? Please, I'm lucky I still have my

liver.

All right, here you go.

My famous chocolate amaretto souffle. It tastes so scandalous when you're in bed

with your husband, you scream out his name instead.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Missed your lunch today?

Yeah, I had this editorial luncheon over at Chumley's today, and while I was

there, I saw something, and I need some advice on how to handle it.

You see, this is why I love coming in here.

We're like this extended family, gathered each evening around this, well,

long dinner table.

Each during the news of our collective days.

That'll be $5 .95, son.

Well, I probably shouldn't even be talking about this, but...

Okay, you know, we're just sitting around, you know, gnawing on steaks and

politics, and I notice there's a guy over in the corner booth making out with

the cologne spritzer girl from Bloomingdale's. I mean, their hands are

practically having sex on the placemats.

I look again.

and I see that this guy is Charles Burgess.

What? Are you kidding?

Maybe it's Charles.

The man has been out of prison less than a month, and already he's fooling

around with a spritzer girl. For God's sake, they haven't even signed the

divorce papers yet. Is that her lawyer? Yeah, they're working over the final

papers, but if you ask me, I think she's doling. Well, do you think she knows

that Charles is seeing somebody?

If I don't know, how would she know?

But now that I do, I think it's only right that... She should be next.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Would you hold it? I mean, should we really be butting in

here? For all we know, you know, this thing with the spritzer girl is a one

-time fling. You know, Charles' way of drowning his sorrows.

She's a spritzer girl, Jack.

I have no sympathy for a man who will settle for cheap sex in a free umbrella.

And by the way, how do you know that it's the spritzer girl from

Well, you must know, Dana, the spritzer girl from Saks is blonde here.

Mrs. Berkus, you have to remember, you instigated the divorce proceedings. You

have to give your husband something in the settlement.

Well, it's not going to be the stadium blanket.

Charles is going to Yale football games without me. He can freeze his little

bulldogs off for all I care.

Mrs. Berkus, at the risk of sounding insensitive, now, I've been down this

before. And when it gets to the moment of the truth, some people have a

to drag their feet.

All right.

He can have the stadium blanket.

And what's... Left of the case of Pennzoil.

But I want, uh, I want the monogram Croquet set. Get on the phone. Get that

me.

So, Nadine, how's it going over there? Well, I'm just grateful that it could

be so amicable.

Charles was being really very good about this. Very patient, very understanding.

And very deceitful, you know? He cheated his clients, and if he could cheat

them... Dana, what are you saying?

I'm just saying that... Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater, okay?

Yeah, whatever. I'm just going to sign these and move on with my life.

Mr. Perkins will be happy to know that Charles has agreed to give you the

blanket and the croquet set. And the workmate.

The workmate? That's right. You can saw on it. You can pound on it. You can

plane a door on it. It's a hundred tools in one, and he's trying to sneak it by

as a single item. Get that for me.

Okay. Okay, I'll get the workmate.

But before I make this call, is there anything else you'd like? What, the

cleaner bags?

The hedge clippers?

It's true. I'm having second thoughts here.

But nevertheless, I'm ready to sign.

Really? I don't believe it.

All right, great.

I'll make today's changes on the documents, and I'll have them messaged

you in the next two hours.

Oh, boy.

So, Nadine, what are you doing tonight, huh?

Oh, nothing much. I just thought I'd throw a lean cuisine into the oven and

my wedding album on fire.

That's not bad, but I think maybe you should, you know, go out, have a little

fun, cut loose. You know, I hear there's a great new supper club over on Prince

Street called Madeline's. Things don't even start to get interesting until

10 there. We could finish up here, and then we could all go over there and make

a little noise. What do you say?

Yeah, I've heard of Madeline's. It's supposed to be really hip and hard to

into. My friend Steve was rejected from there just last week.

Could it have anything to do with his ski lift tickets he still wears on his

jacket from 1975?

It's really, really, really nice of you all to offer, but I think I better be

alone tonight. Oh, no, that's exactly what you shouldn't do. Come on, Nadine,

this is a whole new start for you. One of those rare moments in life when you

get a completely clean slate. Come on, you gotta make the most of it. Well...

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna give you the rest of the day off.

Say what?

I want you to go out and do something outrageous.

Go swim in the fountain at the plaza. No, that's frozen. Go run barefoot in

park. No, that's closed until I find that sniper.

Have breakfast at Tiffany's. What am I saying? It's not really a restaurant.

Well, just go with the classics. Buy some clothes. Get a new haircut.

Reinvent yourself. That's exactly what you need to do. Oh, you know, that does

sound awfully tempting.

Well, then do it. What do you got to lose?

Oh, all right. Okay.

Yes. I will? Gee, I am getting a little excited here. This is great. It'll be

like a coming out party, except I won't wear a white dress. Maybe something

black and strapless.

Gosh, I wonder if that thigh cream works on your upper arms. Okay.

Hi,

my name is Sean. I'll be your waiter this evening.

Excuse me.

We didn't order this.

It's complimentary.

Oh. And we'll need more.

Sean, I think we're ready to order our drinks. I'd like a glass of champagne.

Here for me, please.

And, Sean, I'm hosting this little party for a friend of ours who's going to be

here soon. If you could just do me a favor.

When she comes and orders her drink, if you would just ask to see her ideas.

She's under 21?

No, Sean, she's not. But I think it will make her very happy.

And if she's happy, we're happy.

Oh,

right.

Sean, I'll just let Mr.

Washington here express how happy we are.

Thank you so much for this.

I'll be back to take your order right after I go call my wife, tell her she

take the baby off the market.

Is it just me, or does this guy have an attitude?

Ooh, a real cigarette drill.

Wow, there are so many beautiful women here.

I can't believe it. I mean, look at that one.

And this one.

And look at... Oh, my God.

It's Nadine.

Oh, dear Lord, she looks like Times Square Barbie.

Don't stare. Don't say anything. Just act casual.

Hi, everybody.

Nadine, look at you.

Outrageous. I know. It's pretty wild, huh? I took your advice, Dana.

I went to a little boutique on 57th Street and I said to the sales lady, I

a whole new me.

Just a big old brand new me because that's what my friend Dana said I should

I did say that, didn't I?

And anyway, here I am.

Nadine, unplugged.

All right, and here's your champagne.

No, look.

Someone new has joined our little group.

Can I get you a drink?

Yeah, I'd like a white wine.

All right, ma 'am.

Ma 'am, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask to see your ID,

please.

What?

Identification. It's a New York state law. It's nothing personal. It's just we

don't want to be accused of selling alcohol to minors.

to the food portion of the evening.

Oh, great.

All the waiters in this town are going to get one who's not an actor.

I'm sorry, Nadine. Forgive me. I thought that that would be a fun and silly

thing to do instead of the debasing and humiliating experience that was for

everyone here at the table.

That's okay, Dan.

Who am I kidding, anyway?

That sales lady said I looked whimsical.

Visionary.

I guess what she meant to say is that I look like... I look like Cindy Lauper's

mother.

Truth is, I'm a little at sea here. Who wouldn't be?

I haven't been out as a single person since, oh, my God, 1973.

When I was five.

Of course, with Charles, it never mattered how I dressed.

I could have worn the swimming pool cover. He still would have wanted sex

night. I wonder what he's doing now.

You know, Nadine, I think there's something you ought to know about.

Nadine, have you thought about how great single life can be?

I mean, you can come and go as you please. You can go to a party, not have

worry if he's having a good time.

Come home after work, have the whole house to yourself.

You know, without there being a big mess of newspapers all over the floor like

you're boarding a giant parakeet.

No cereal bowls leaving the Olympic rings on your end table. Just you and

cat and a glass of wine.

Thank God those days are over, right, honey?

Ray, Ray, your cigarette girl's headed this way. Pay for my meal and I'll

arrange for a proper introduction.

Okay.

Sorry.

This is Ray.

I was wondering, a pack of cigarettes, please.

Just something with a rich, bold flavor. You pick.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Well, this is a brand with a great billboard.

Young couples in love, playfully teasing each other on a sailboat.

Fresh, salt air blowing through their hair.

I mean, you never guess, they wake up in the morning hacking up big balls of

flim.

Here's your change.

Take care.

I'm in the door.

I've got a good idea. How about a toast?

Yeah. To Nadine's renaissance.

The closing of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. Aw, thank you,

and everyone.

I look forward to the future. I really do.

At the same time, I don't want to throw away my past, you know?

Oh, I have a lot of fond memories of those last 23 years.

Even little things like folding that first basket of laundry with Guinevere's

tiny feety pajamas in. There was a lot of pride in that first fold. Then a lot

of built -up anger and resentment in that 200th fold.

Then a certain kind of joy in that 800th fold when you watch the kids leave the

house all wrinkled.

You sip your third Manhattan, which makes you feel guilty.

So you go to therapy, which makes you feel even more guilty because it's real

expensive.

But he's so cute and he listens so well.

Just about that time you're saying, so my life is flipping through my fingers,

so I'll have time for myself once the kids are out of grade school. Then you

it again, once they're out of high school. Then, once they're out of

Then, once they're out of rehab and he's out of prison.

One day you find yourself, a divorcee, dining with a group of people trying to

cheer up an over -the -hill giant fishing lure who's no longer capable of

snagging anything more than an old tire and a bunch of steel.

Cheers!

I can't believe this. It's been 45 minutes. Where the hell is the food?

I'm so hungry, I'm starting to wonder what you taste like between two pieces

sourdough bread.

Nadine, how you doing?

You having a good time?

Put the candle down, Nadine. You're going to set your Twitter on fire.

But? At least that might get the attention of the waiter.

You know, I'm just sitting here thinking about all the things I never did with

my life.

You know, for some reason, I always thought I'd play the saxophone.

You know, just rent one for six months, learn to play all low and raunchy,

and never tell anyone.

But no, no. No, no, quiet, polite, little, what can I bring to the PTA

Nadine never did that.

Never did any of that.

Never frosted my hair. Well, probably a good thing.

Never wrote that book.

Never wore white after Labor Day.

The list is endless.

You telling us.

Hey, guys.

Hey, what are you doing with all those cigarettes?

I don't know.

I was talking to Jeanette, the cigarette girl, and one thing led to another.

Anyway, I know we said we were not doing gifts this year, but Merry Christmas

and Happy Hanukkah.

So tell me, do I look cool?

Should I hold it like this, or should I go with this one?

All right, all right. Who ordered the corned beef?

Hey, Jack, here's your pastrami.

Yeah, Dana, Monte Cristo.

And Ray, here's your egg salad.

Nadine, they didn't have rice pudding, so I got you tapioca instead.

Tapioca? Yeah.

Oh, that's just so perfect.

Tapioca.

The whole night's been tapioca.

My entire life has been tapioca.

Well, I'll eat it.

Get your hands off that.

That's all I have left, you jackal.

Nadine, I'm sorry. I feel just terrible. I thought a night out would do you

good. Guess not.

Ah, Dana, that's okay. You were really sweet to try. And you know something?

I've been just sitting here for the last half hour thinking, and you know what I

realized? I'm wrong.

This divorce is a mistake.

So Charles is totally overbearing, and he's selfish, and he constantly

my life. So?

No marriage is perfect.

Is that a reason to get a divorce?

Now, Nadine, listen.

You know, don't sell yourself short. I mean, speaking as a guy, you're smart,

you're attractive, you have other clothes.

What?

What, am I wrong? You like this outfit?

I mean, I'm just trying to let her see it from a guy's point of view, that's

all, and she's going to need it.

Oh, don't listen to him, Nadine. No matter what you're going through right

you did the right thing signing those divorce papers.

That's just it. I didn't sign them. They came this afternoon. I didn't have the

guts. Oh, boy, am I lucky. You didn't sign the papers. Why not?

Maybe it's not too late to put this whole thing back together.

Jack, if you were Charles, what would you be doing right now?

I'll tell you exactly what he's doing.

He's roaming the carpets of his cheesy studio apartment, take -out cartons, his

only friends.

He's too depressed to eat. He's too anxious to sleep. I've got to go to him

right away. Oh, no, no, Nadine, don't do that. Why? Give me one good reason why.

Well, you know, you'll see that case of Pennzoil or get all weepy.

You're talking nutty.

Okay, you know, you want to be part of a threesome, two of whom will smell

better than you? You're still nutty. All right, all right, Nadine.

I saw Charles and the spritzer girl from Bloomingdale's in a restaurant

together.

Maybe they were sharing a friendly meal.

I don't think so.

Unless she had swallowed some bread the wrong way and he was trying to suck it

out.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

How humiliating.

Thanks a lot, Jack.

You couldn't keep something like this to yourself.

Would everybody please excuse me?

I told you not to say anything.

A bittersweet melody.

Yes.

Sort of fitting for what I'm going through right now.

Nothing really.

Just a little bit of agony.

We all go through something sometime.

You're very wise.

Is that me?

You have a good voice.

Oh, thank you.

I'm not one usually to sing around the piano.

In fact, I never sing in public.

Too scared, I guess.

Too bad.

How about you?

Everything good?

Oh, that's good.

You know, I'm kind of going through a rough time right now.

My husband and I just split up.

Anyone else out there going through something similar?

You.

You look like someone would divorce you.

Well, then this little number's for you and me and anyone else who relates.

For when you're feeling lonely and you open the refrigerator.

For when you're sitting alone in the dark waiting for the phone to ring.

For when your eyes get bigger and they start

to lose.

They're glimmer. Pick it up, please.

The tears go bolder.

Seemingly, they're colder.

And all because of the man who goes astray.

Oh, no, he'll never call the waiting

off the wall.

The schemes you dream.

Have all gone.

The road gets rougher. He's on rear and gruffer. He just won't own

up. Tomorrow he may blow up. You got his letter.

You're home for a better day.

Love you, babe.

I said Eddie.

You know, Nadine, I watched that like I watched the Indy 500.

Kind of hoping for a crash, but pretty glad when it didn't happen.

Oh, Nadine, I'm so proud of you. The only time I ever did anything like that

was... Oh, my God, there's something I haven't done.

Dana, I really have to thank you.

I finally got what it was you were saying. To me, you've got to put

on a limb. It's really liberating. I mean, who knows what else I can do?

Oh, let me get my purse.

No, no. This is on us. It's our treat.

Oh, you bet your sweet ass it is.

I'm even swearing. No, this is what I want.

My divorce paper.

There. Boy, that was fast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

Okay, so what should we all do now? Get the hell out of here.

You know, it's very satisfying when you're meddling in someone else's life

it turns out the way it's supposed to.

I think Nadine's gonna enjoy her newfound freedom.

You know, honey, you use that word freedom more times than all of our

fathers put together.

I think maybe you're trying to send me some sort of signal, huh?

Well, what can I tell you?

I always like being on my own, but, eh, this is pretty good, too.

Oh, good. I mean, you know, like there's always somebody there to run out and

get your tampax when you're too lazy to do it.

Oh, yeah, that'll happen.

You know, like somebody calls and asks you to go someplace and you don't want

go, you can always say, I'll check with Jack and then just... You never call him

back. Don't do that to my mother again, okay?

But most importantly of all, there's somebody there to pick up your part of

check when you forget your wallet.

Don't worry. I'll think of some creative way for you to pay me back.

I hope you look good in a little French maid's outfit, standing next to my TV,

changing my channel.

Yeah, that'll happen.

Excuse me, Jeanette.

I just wanted to thank you for all the great service tonight.

Well, thanks, Ray. I really enjoyed talking to you. You're not like everyone

else here, hip and trendy.

Well, thank you.

Now, I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go out with me sometime.

Oh, Ray, I'd absolutely love that.

Only, sorry, I don't date smokers.

I can quit.

I may gain a few pounds, but I'd carry the weight.