Original subtitles

Well, I have an announcement to make, people.

In case you didn't already know it, this vast city of ours is going to hell.

Something has happened today that makes the downfall of our society complete and

moves us one step closer to living like wild animals without even the veneer of

a civilization.

Uh -oh. Did Bagel -a -Go -Go cancel their The Twelfth One's free policy?

Oh, fine, fine.

Joe. Fiddle while Rome burns.

But you're not going to believe this. The old Pantheon is closing down. Oh,

Can you believe it? After nearly 100 years.

What's the Pantheon?

Danny, you have to be kidding me. I'm sorry. I grew up in Europe, remember?

I'm assuming you're not talking about the original Pantheon because that's

closed for a really, really long time.

Oh, no. The Pantheon is...

Well, the last of the great movie palaces in this city. I mean, it's a

to the history of film. And you'll never guess what they have the nerve to put

in its place.

One of those 16 -theater multiplex cracker box monstrosities. Oh, man.

It's so ironic, isn't it? Something that was once an is, is now a was.

That only yesterday... Is this going to be a long story?

Maybe.

Probably not.

I remember one time I went to the Pantheon with my sisters, Katie and...

Katie and... Whoa.

Colleen. Colleen.

That must have been 12 years ago now.

And my dad used to take me there every Saturday afternoon.

Yeah. And we'd stop on the way at the candy store, and he'd buy me Twizzlers

snow caps. Oh.

Except for this one time. We were running late, and we were going. We

get a bus or anything, so we... Come on, Dad. All I want is one box

of snow caps. One box, and I promise I won't ask for anything else. Now, look,

Ray, I told you, we're not paying these movie theater candy prices. That's where

they rake you over the coals.

I said we'd get a box of snow caps on the way home, and that's what we'll do.

It's not the same.

Can you see all right?

Oh, Ann Mark.

I didn't know she was in this.

Holy moly, forget the snow caps.

That lowlife would bring a kid to see carnal knowledge. Carnal knowledge?

I thought it was carnival knowledge.

We had some kind of a mix -up.

There was a typo in the paper, I swear.

Don't look, Ray.

For God's sake, it'll melt your eyes.

Let's go to the supermarket and get that box of snow caps, huh?

But, Dad, there's a bear -naked lady right...

those doors. We can't leave now. Come on.

Now listen, the only reason those people were naked is because all their clothes

were dirty. Now let that be a lesson to you. Don't let your clothes pile up on

the floor. Now let's go.

Were they having sex?

Not in any way I ever knew.

What is sex?

Ask your mother.

She told me to ask you. She said she wasn't really sure if you still

I suppose we have to have this talk sometime.

Now, you listen close, Ray, because I'm only going to say this once.

Now, first, you don't have sex until you're married.

Why not?

Because it can be a deeply humiliating experience you don't want to share with

just anyone.

I want you to remember that, son.

Okay, but what is it?

Well, first, you both take all your clothes off.

And the woman makes funny, huh?

You don't get to make fun of her, or else you never get to do it again.

Well, if it's that bad, then why would you want to do it?

You just do, okay?

And then, when you're finished, you have to answer questions like, what are you

thinking about right now?

And this is very tricky, because you have to answer, I'm feeling really close

you. But what you're really thinking is, how come you got the good pillow?

Anything else you want to know?

Yeah, I heard sometimes men like to wear ladies' underwear.

What's that all about?

A big box of snow caps, please.

I guess that explains why I remained a virgin until this year.

I'll say it does, but the good news is I'll bet Meg didn't laugh at you when

took off your clothes.

You didn't, did you?

He was wearing Spider -Man underwear.

Hey, they got the job done, didn't they?

You didn't seem to mind.

Well, you just consider yourself lucky that you were taught by the best.

Although, I pretty much ruined it for the next woman.

You are a wild child. Yes, you are. I'll bet you were a terror growing up. Oh,

yeah, I was always the black sheep of the family, which wasn't all that hard

you ever knew my sister's stadium.

Katie and Connie.

Thank you. In fact, one afternoon, the three of us went to the Pantheon to see

movie. Well, they went to see the movie. I went to sit in the dark and smoke.

But they were after me all weekend.

Will you stop wobbling? I'm embarrassed to call you my sister.

I can't help it.

Richard Gere is so handsome in his dress white.

Looks like he's swooping Debra Winger up in his arms and carrying her off. She's

so lucky.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right. Oh, boy, she gets to be an officer's wife. While he's off flying

fighter jets, she's at home with a can of Niagara spray starch and the ironing

board watching The Price is Right.

When he finally does come home, forget about impressing her in bed because she

can't generate G -force.

Okay, show's over. Let's get the hell out of here.

Wait, Mary Margaret, don't you run off again.

We came all the way to New York to spend some time with you.

Ever since you came to New York to go to college, you know we've really missed

you. But we've barely seen you all weekend.

Yeah. So maybe we can go to your apartment, or wherever it is you live,

order in Chinese food just like the natives do, and stay up all night

stories and secrets.

Well, I'm having sex with my landlord for free rent. Your turn.

Now, Meg, we only have four legs. You can't pull them all at the same time.

Ew.

Look, I know you both too well. You're not here because you missed me.

Come clean. What's the real reason?

All right.

It's Mom and Dad. I know it.

Well, they're worried sick about you. We all are.

Your grades have dropped. You've become distant and removed.

That's so ridiculous.

Oh, really?

Remember Christmas?

Dad waited for it at the airport and never showed.

When we called, you said you thought we meant next Christmas.

It was an honest mistake.

Look, Mom and Dad feel that if it's some weird crowd you're in with or some

controlling guy or some drug that you're hooked on that's destroying your brain,

they really don't care.

Oh, good.

They just want you to transfer to Ohio State and live with them.

What? Are you kidding?

Oh, yeah, home is really the answer. I can join in on Friday night Parcheesi.

Ooh, and I'll get to put a dollar in the jar every time I say a swear word.

Sorry, there is no way in hell that I am moving back to that house of

inspirational needlepoint pillows and locked liquor cabinets.

Well, they said if you don't come home that they're cutting you off.

Oh, yeah?

Well... Well, that's not very nice.

Look, they just... They just... feel that if they're gonna pay for someone to

to school that that person should actually like go well i got something

to tell them and uh try to do it while dad's kicked back in the easy boy so his

feet are above his heart i'm dropping out of school to become a sports writer

mary margaret dad was right you are on drugs you are going to hell Oh, Katie.

No, I'm sorry.

Meg's doing this. Meg's doing that. You always get to do everything you want.

Like, that was okay.

Here we go. And I know what happened on our family car trip. You just threw my

Malibu Barbie over the Grand Canyon and then you killed her.

That's right.

That's right. I did. I tossed her while you were having your picture taken with

the donkey.

And wait now, because mortician Ken gave her a very lovely funeral.

All right, that's enough. That's enough.

Stop it.

Meg has just told us that she's dropping out of college to become a... Ports

Rider. It's important.

What makes you think that you can do this? I don't know.

I just think I can.

Is there a law against that?

No. It's what I want to do, okay?

I, uh... I think I might be good at it.

Not an awful lot I am good at, you know.

Well?

Then we'll just have to talk to Mom and Dad, and we'll... try to smooth things

over. What?

Well, it's your life, not theirs.

You'll defend me?

Of course.

We're your sisters.

Whoa.

Yeah, I thought I smelled smoke. You three are really gonna get it.

Get lost, bow -tie boy.

Yeah, take a hike, pizza face.

Kiss my...

before you go?

Yeah, why don't you call me when you hit puberty? Oh, now, come on. Don't go.

Wow.

I always wanted sisters.

I was an only child, which is great when you want to borrow your dad's fiat and

there's no competition.

It's not so great when you lose it in a poker game and there's no one else to

blame.

Yeah, well, I can sell you my sisters if you're interested.

Thirteen years later, Colleen's married and running a Laura Ashley shop, and

Katie is the group leader at the local Smokenders.

Now, come on, admit it. You love them.

Yeah, you know, it really was pretty nice that we bonded that day, because

our parents surprised us at Christmas with the three adjacent burial plots, it

wasn't so hard to take.

I finally finished that TV pilot that I've been working on out in L .A. You

remember? Big Sur? Yeah, yeah. That's right, about the lone private eye in a

quaint California beach town.

Boy, did it go well. Especially the scene where I used my artificial leg as

kickboard to save Miss Universe from drowning.

Oh, this is perfect.

While one of the great temples of American culture is about to be

great American schlock machine rises to new heights with another inane,

infantile piece of crap.

Out to God's ears.

We're not on the schedule yet. It's between us and another show. In fact,

network's supposed to call with the news tonight. Whether it's good or bad, I

didn't want to be alone, so I gave the number here.

In other words, you didn't pay your phone bill again.

How about a beer, Abe?

Hey, jackal.

So what the hell are we talking about?

And why is it doomed?

You're not going to believe this, but they're tearing down the old Pantheon.

Pantheon? Oh, my God.

When that building comes crashing down, a memory so dark, so painful that I have

never revealed it to anyone will finally be laid to rest under the rubble.

Okay, I'll tell you.

Try to understand.

Not everything is about you.

You're just like a child sometimes.

Believe me, I should know.

I put in my years listening to the whining, the complaining, the yelling.

course, the secret of my success is the young mother.

was that I was able to keep my calm under pressure.

No, Guinevere, no. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Don't you look at me

like that.

Arthur,

where's your coat?

You left it in the cab, didn't you? I told you to keep it on.

Well, I was hot.

Well, now you're going to be very cold.

What's that? What's in your hand? Nothing.

Don't you give me that. Open.

Oh, oh, God. Arthur, drop it, drop it. But I haven't got this kind of bug yet.

Drop it or we turn right around and go home.

No.

Oh, my.

Okay.

Here we go.

You're going to love Fantasia, both of you.

It's really just wonderful. It was so cute. My mommy took me when I was very

little. And, oh, when Mickey came out in that sorcerer's hat of his, it was

just... Mom!

Can I ask a huge favor of you? Could you just watch them for a little minute? I

have to visit the ladies' room.

Now, look.

Mommy has to go to the bathroom.

You are going to behave like perfect young ladies and gentlemen. Do you

understand me?

You didn't come in here to go to the bathroom, did you?

No. You came in here to take a break from them. Oh, God, is that horrible of

Of course not. That's why I'm here.

Are you okay?

Oh, me? I'm fine, really.

I am. I'm just a little tired, you know. My kids are great. They're just great.

Of course, they can be a handful.

Well, I mean, it's always buy me this, drive me there. You're mean, you know.

But if it's one thing I know, I'm a good mother. I am. I really am. I mean, they

don't care that you put your whole life on hold for them. Well, why should they?

I'm really very happy. I am, no matter what my hairdresser says.

Oh, thank you. God, I don't know where that came from.

It's okay. I've been there.

Really? Yes.

Well, what do you do?

How do you get through it?

Prayer?

A doobie.

Big old bat and rolled Jamaican doobie.

No, no, no. I... My husband's thinking of running for office.

You mean you've never tried this?

Here, go ahead. No, no.

It would be wrong.

You know, I'm not a hippie.

I'm a mother, for God's sake.

Pink wig.

out or something. Oh, no.

No, honey, no, no. I couldn't be better.

In fact, I don't feel much different from when I left you.

Except... Oh, my baby.

My sweet, sweet baby.

I feel such wells of love for you right this very... Arthur! Where's Arthur?

Right here. Oh, thank God.

Don't you ever pull a crazy stunt like that again, you hear me?

Are you, sweetie?

You remember where we live?

1279 Burned Wine Lane.

That's exactly right.

You remember to tell the cab driver that.

Are you finished with this?

succumbed to reaper magic.

That's fascinating, Nadine.

And I'm sure there'll be plenty of wild temptations waiting for me out there in

La La Land.

Although I'd like to think that I have the strength of character not to bow to

peer pressure.

Especially after what I had to endure 15 years ago at the Pantheon.

Memory so dark, so painful.

And so long, we have to wait until next week to show it to you.

Here's a taste of some of the surprises coming up in part two of At the

Pantheon. Come on, Gracie, you gotta say yes this time. Now I'm shipping out in

the morning. And when I'm out there in that field with my back against the

the only way I'm gonna survive is knowing you're here waiting for me

this ring.

It's peace time, eh?

Sly and I are on the brink of major stardom.

You know that when we were bartending together, we made each other a promise.

Whoever got the first shot would include the other.

And he never forgot that. That's why he wrote me the part.

of Rocky Balboa's personal trainer, Barry.

Woody Allen's Jewish, you know. Yes, I know.

He's doing very well. Oh, I'm so proud.

I'm so proud. What is that with the sarcasm?

Guy's making a success. What's wrong? Why do you have to be mad? No, I'm not

mad. In fact, I have some pretty great news myself today. Yeah? Yes.

Guess who came into the store?

I'm sorry. We're here to have a good time.

Anybody here got a cigarette?

Whoa, they're messing with me.