Original subtitles

Dum -dum -da -dum, here I am, your favorite bum.

Oh, no.

Evening, folks. Happy to meet you. My name is Fred.

I'll be your bum for this evening.

Can you spare a little change? I'm a struggling artist.

I'm making a full -scale model of the Empire State Building out of quarters.

please, dig deep.

If Art dies, we all die. All right, all right. Show's over.

Hey, my friend, I'll take my usual table. Care to join me? Hey, look, your

table is in the alley. Now, scram and don't come back in here.

Hey, everybody, look! It's the bum's rush!

Look, I'm sorry about that, everybody. I don't think you'll be bothering us

anymore.

Oh, jeez.

Can you believe that guy? He's been here, what, three nights in a row?

What is this place? A best bet in panhandlers monthly?

Come on, Jack, have a little pity.

I see these poor guys always hanging around the dump.

Sometimes... Well, I feel guilty standing inside the dump fence, inside a

they can only dream of going, wearing my smart uniform, looking like I'm living

in the land of milk and honey. Oh, please.

This is not some poor homeless guy.

This guy is a bum.

I mean, you know, some people choose to live like that.

Choose? Are you kidding?

What do you think these people wake up in the morning and think, uh, should I

to work and earn a living, or should I cut the toes out of my shoes and wear a

shopping bag on my head?

Oh, yeah, that's a good look.

Hey, everybody.

The back door was unlocked. You should watch that. You never know what kind of

characters could just walk right in.

Look, just what I need to make my famous peanut, cherry, olive, and cocktail

onion trail mix. Don't mind if I do. Get your hands out of there.

What is with you, man?

I mean, usually guys like you don't keep coming around unless somebody's giving

them food.

And everybody who works here knows the Abe Johnson's dictum.

No freebies. That's right.

No freebies?

Au contraire. Last night's chicken was delish, my angel.

Of course, I would have gone with an orange cognac reduction instead of the

lemon sauce.

What are tonight's specials, young lady? Oh, we have lovely Brazil.

Nadine, and as for you, you were giving him handouts? What were you thinking?

I'm sorry, all right? I felt bad for him.

Listen, pal, I'm getting awfully tired of guys like you. And don't tell me you

can't get a job, because with your harassment skills, you would be employee

the month at MCI.

Hey, I like your style.

Come live with me.

It's hard rattling around that big old empty box all by myself.

All right, Abe, come on. Can't we give him something?

Oh, you want to help him? Fine.

Give to a shelter.

Sit through comic relief if you can take it.

But you've got to be firm in this situation.

Now, get lost.

All right, all right, I'm going, but let me just say one more thing.

No jokes this time.

This is a tough gig.

It does something to your spirit.

I don't like asking for handouts. I don't think anybody does.

But at least I try to do it with a little humor, a little dignity.

And you know what?

It could all fall apart for you one day, too.

All it takes is one corporate downsizing.

one extended illness, and you're sleeping on a park bench.

I'm just trying to play the hand that life's dealt me, that's all.

Well, thanks anyway.

Hey, don't just stand there. Give the guy something.

Hey, wait a minute. Look,

I think I got some food for you in the back. But I'm giving it to you under one

condition, that you never return.

Now, is that a deal?

Deal. And thank you.

Thank you very much. All right.

Well, well, well.

Jack Stein, you old softy. All right, let's not go any further. Okay, Dana? I

mean, it was a momentary aberration.

And please do not bring this up in future arguments.

And do not be telling this story in our golden years when all the neighborhood

kids are calling me Old Man Stein.

Golden years?

That's what they're calling you now.

Hey, have you noticed anything different tonight, huh?

It's 7 .15. Do you know where your bum is?

It looks like he kept his word. You gave him a lovely meal, and he promised

never to return.

How does it feel to be a good Samaritan, Abe?

Spickening.

Now I'm going to have to accidentally overchoice table 11 and 12 just to

things out.

I don't know, Abe. I think your kind gesture might have given our bum a whole

new lease on life.

Who knows? Maybe he'll get a job. Buy a house.

Get a mortgage.

Go into debt.

Start drinking real heavily.

But like decent people in the privacy of his own home.

Excuse me. Are you Abe Johnson?

Yeah, that's me.

But don't believe that Good Samaritan stuff, though.

Underneath this warm, caring, generous exterior, I'm a Republican.

Well, I'm sure you are.

And I am Monica Stevens, attorney at law.

My client, Frederick Loomis, or as you so affectionately refer to him, the bum.

has retained my services in his claim against the Blue Shamrock. What? What

you talking about? There must be some mistake. I mean, we hardly even know

guy. I mean, he's come around a couple of times looking for a handout.

Yeah, and I finally gave him a piece of salmon last night and sent him on his

way. Well, apparently when Mr. Loomis asked for his salmon, he should have

the chef to hold a festering bacteria.

Oh.

Mr.

Loomis wound up in the emergency room at St. Vincent's Hospital last night with

a particularly violent case of food poisoning.

Miss Stevens, I am the chef here. I prepared that salmon last night, and it

fresh. I bought it myself. Believe me, I won't even look at a fish unless it's

whistled at me first.

Oh, dear God.

It's just like my Nana Jonathan used to tell me. No good deed goes unpunished.

Oh, I'm listening now, Nana. You were right.

Ah, this is just so 90s, isn't it?

Some guy comes in here and claims they have food poisoning, which I seriously

doubt. And then instead of trying to settle his problem with Abe, who was

trying to help him out, he does what every red -blooded American does these

days. He sues. And why?

Because everybody is a victim today. Even a conniving bum who was generously

given a free meal.

And of course, I'm sure it's society's fault that he's a bum in the first

It's society's fault for not providing him a good home as a kid. It's the

school's fault for not educating him well enough. It's the government's fault

for not providing enough jobs.

It's the welfare system's fault that he is a dependent anyway, and I'm sure

somehow it's my fault.

It was. You were the one who told me to give him the food.

What I want to know is, when is it actually the bum's fault for just being

bum?

Oh, very impressive.

Spoken like a true privileged white male who gets three meals a day and whose

parents footed the bill for his entire college education.

Wrong again, counselor. I paid for books and weekends spending money.

Thank you so much. That was very helpful.

Miss Stevens, if you'll just direct your attention my way, I think that we can

figure this whole thing out.

Great suit, by the way. Oh, thanks. Cute earrings.

Here's what I think happened.

We gave Fred a pretty big piece of salmon.

I think he probably ate half of it and then saved the rest for later.

Maybe he left it to warm on a sewer grate or something.

You know, which would have been a mistake, you see. Because fish, when

lukewarm, is a breeding ground for bacteria.

Well, that makes a lot of sense. So what you're saying is that you gave him a

piece of food that needed to be refrigerated. Yes. Well, what kind of

is that?

Did you ever stop to think that maybe Fred doesn't own a refrigerator?

Kind of hard to push one around in a shopping cart. What?

I think I've got everything I need. See you in court.

Uh, just so you know, you are not dealing with a bunch of greenhorns here.

I'm from Westchester.

If somebody so much as mows their lawn from right to left instead of left to

right, we sew them just for the fun of it.

You remember that, missy.

I don't think we'll be hearing from her again.

Is he here yet?

Oh, Jack, you didn't have to leave work and come in here for this meeting.

Look, these insurance company lawyers, you've got to watch them like a hawk. I

thought if you saw me sitting in the meeting, you know, New York's toughest

columnist, well, they'd treat you right.

All I know, none of this makes any sense.

I mean, you lead a good and decent life and you end up in your worst nightmare,

sitting at a table with a lawyer.

Oh, please, Nana, tell me there's no lawyers where you are.

Hey, just remember, this guy is on our side. We will be fine just as long as he

wears $1 ,000 suits, can make a judge cry, and has gotten at least one Jay

Walker the electric chair.

Well, can that be him?

Can I help you?

I'm Lester Michaels.

I'm the lawyer from Avatar Insurance.

Oh.

Okay.

Jack, Abe, Lester's here.

Lester Michaels, this is Jack Stein and Abe Johnson. He's the owner of the Blue

Shamrock.

Well, let's just get down to brass tacks, shall we?

But first, let me just reassure you that both...

The Avatar Insurance Company and myself are fully behind you.

That's what insurance companies are for, to get you out of a bad situation, and

that's what we intend to do.

Well, just how bad is this situation?

Well, let's see.

Um, first, standard claims, loss of wages.

Wages? What the hell could that be?

Well, they're saying $40 to $80 for one day's panhandling, $100 on holidays.

$100?

Let's not question Lester on every detail, huh? I mean, let's say it's

Let's say it's $200. I'll pay that out of my own pocket, okay? How's that?

Well, then there's medical expenses.

That bill alone comes to $680.

And then the lab tests are $300.

Oh, sweet mother of God, we're up to $1 ,200.

Oh, the room is spinning.

If I can just barrel through here.

Pain and suffering.

Harm to reputation.

And then they're saying that Brett has developed a fear of salmon, which could

greatly impact on his life.

And that brings the total amount of damages up to $100 ,000.

$100 ,000?

Look, look, if you don't mind me saying there, barrister, doesn't this strike

you as, oh, what's the word?

Ridiculous beyond all human comprehension?

It doesn't matter how much they're asking for because the bum has no case.

Nadine back there has been on the phone for over an hour talking to people who

also had the salmon the other night to see if anyone else got sick. Nadine?

Oh, hello.

Hi. Yes, hi. I'm Nadine Berkus, and I'm going through a divorce right now, so

feel free to use legal jargon around me.

I have reached nearly everybody on our list, and so far nobody has reported

having had to pull over to the side of the road to heave.

Which means, ipso facto, and notwithstanding the foregoing, that the

is lying.

You hear that? Nobody else was thick.

Wait until we go to court and tell that to the judge.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

You think we're going to court?

Oh.

Let me just clear that up right now.

I'm an insurance lawyer.

Insurance lawyers hardly ever go to court. As a matter of fact, I've never

seen inside of a courtroom. Except when I went to traffic court to protest a

ticket.

And? I lost.

So, how do you handle these situations?

Well, we have developed a system over the years which seems to be working for

us. We make the best settlement we can, and then we raise your rates.

Are you kidding?

you, Lester.

We are not going to settle. People hear the word settle and they automatically

assume that you're guilty. Huh?

Oh, I love your passion.

You want justice to triumph.

But justice is expensive.

And the truth is, you really don't have any choice in the matter.

Because Avatar cares.

So, unless you have any further questions, well, then I will be on my

Is that the lawyer?

Is that the guy who sells you the urinal cakes?

By the look on Abe's face, I'd say it was the lawyer, and it didn't go so

Or it wasn't the lawyer, and they raised the price of the urinal cakes.

I'll tell you what just happened here.

The big insurance company didn't think this case was worth one of their sharks,

so they sent us a guppy.

Well, they're not going to get away with it, all right?

Where's the phone? I'm going to use the power of the press.

I'm going to call this Avatar Insurance and tell them I'm going to do an article

about how to handle this case, all right? And I bet they send over a great

before our friend Fred the bum has a chance to get out of his wetsuit.

No, no, no.

No more lawyers.

I mean, what happened to the good old days when people worked out things

themselves? Oh, right, the good old days. Yeah. Two people resolve their

differences with pistols at sunrise.

Oh, wait, we still do that.

Hold on, Mary Margaret. There's something in what Abe says.

If you want someone to treat you like a human being, you've got to treat them

like a human being.

Why not try working it out with the guy?

Reach out to him.

Invite him to dinner.

Try resolving your personal differences face to face.

You know, that's not a bad idea.

I mean, why don't we try it?

We've got nothing to lose.

Mr. Lewis. Whoa.

How lovely.

Just lovely to see you. May I take your wrap?

No, that's okay. It's a one of a kind and I'd die if I lost it.

Literally.

Hi, everybody.

Boy, it's really nice you guys inviting me to dinner and all.

Let me show you the table.

It's our biggest one where we feed our best customers.

Don't be alarmed.

It's, uh, it's Mickey Rohr.

Part of his persona, you know.

I've got to say that considering the circumstances, I'm a little surprised

you're doing this for me, Abe.

Well, uh... I missed you.

Hey, uh, how come Red's not joining us? I was kind of hoping she'd be my date

for the evening.

Can't enjoy a good meal without a date.

You're absolutely right.

Meg, won't you come join us?

Get to know our new friend?

That's okay.

Now listen.

The bum wants you sitting next to him.

If the bum is thirsty, we get him a drink. If the bum is hungry, we feed

the bum doesn't like the color of the walls, we paint them. What the bum

the bum gets, and the bum wants you.

Unless you want our insurance rates to go up and your $2 beer to become $4 .75,

you will get your Reyes over there and wiggle it.

Hi.

Come here often?

that I can commit to a long -term relationship, and I'll never stop

flowers. Okay, well, now everybody's here, and I'm sure you're really, really

hungry and you'd like to order something. Should I tell you the

Oh, please do.

I have to be honest with you. I am married, but my wife and I have an

understanding. Okay, great. For appetizers, we have a lovely cucumber

pureed and served at room temperature.

Wow, room temperature.

I wonder what that feels like.

I'll start with that, and will everyone share a glass of wine with me if I order

something? Oh, I'd love to, yes.

Okay, please, miss, a bottle of your best Bordeaux, and would you mind

it in a brown paper bag?

I may feel more comfortable.

Now, Fred, I got some good news for you. I was talking to one of my supervisors

down at the dump, and I think you'll be thrilled to hear that I may be able to

get you in on the ground floor.

And what would that mean exactly?

Well, the new guys usually begin raking the landfill, picking off rats with a

.22. That's how I got my start.

Well, gee, that's really nice of you, Ray, but I don't think I have the right

personality for repetitive physical tasks.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm more of a visionary, an idea man.

For your information, I have a Ph .D. from Yale, and I can speak four

Really? No, you goofball. That's just in the movies.

I'd be a bum in the south of France.

Okay, everybody, here we go. A lovely 75 Lafitte straight from our wine cellar.

Oh, my heart.

And, uh, Fred, perhaps you'd like to save the cork? It could have barter

on the street.

No, I propose a toast to new friends and resolving differences.

Here, here, yeah.

Fred, you having a good time, Fred?

I'm having a great time. Oh, that's wonderful, wonderful.

I was just wondering. I mean, it's a crazy thing, that lawsuit, isn't it?

And, uh, I mean, I was just trying to help, and you seem like a good guy down

his luck.

And you did help me, Abe. You'd be surprised how a little gesture like that

really turn a person around.

Oh, really?

So you mean there's no hard feelings?

Absolutely not.

I mean, if truth be told, it was my fault.

I left that piece of salmon warming on a sewer grate.

It didn't give it quite the same full -bodied flavor as mesquite, but, hey,

beggars can't be choosers.

It was my mistake.

I take full responsibility.

Well, now, then, as long as we understand each other, why don't I just

a check and we put this whole thing behind us, huh?

Yeah.

How does 500 sound?

Take care of the medical costs, huh?

Hey, put your checkbook away. I don't want your money. You don't?

No, what would I want with your money?

It's your insurance company's money I want.

What? Hey, it's nothing personal, Abe. It doesn't come out of your pocket.

Could you pass the wine, please?

Don't touch that bottle.

That's enough of you. Give me that glass.

Yeah, in fact, give me all your glasses. Nadine, get that funnel.

Hey, what are you getting so heated about?

I mean, with $100 ,000, I can get back on my feet again.

Maybe put a down payment on that little farm we've had our hearts set on.

Now, we'll see you in court.

Well, this is for the best.

I had to get up early anyway.

I've got the early shift at the corner of House 26.

Good night, everybody.

Meg, are you coming?

Okay, I'm not waiting up.

Listen to this.

Some guy found a piece of chicken in his vegetarian TV dinner.

Sued the company and just got $3 million.

Oh, boy. You got off lucky, Abe. Another beer.

That'll be $4 .75.

Now, honey there, what can I get you?

You don't recognize me, do you?

No, but oh, my God, I think I know the voice.

That's right. Hey, everybody, it's me, the lovable bum.

Look at me. I'm a new man.

The money from the insurance company came through. I can see that. Nice suit.

Well, with the money I got from the settlement, I went out and bought myself

some clothes, and I started a mail -order business.

I told you I was a visionary.

And here is my first item.

New York on $2 a day.

Of course, if you buy it, you can't spend any money for a week, but you

find that out until Chapter 2.

Here, Abe, I dedicated it to you.

Oh, well, thank you.

To Abe for the charity he showed when I was in need.

And to our country's legal system that guarantees the individual's right to sue

for the American dream.

Boy, Fred, this is a real success story. I'm so proud of you, man. Well, thanks,

Ray. And if ever you want to give up the trash game, I might have something

opening up for you in telephone sales.

Thanks, but I'm better suited for repetitive physical work.

Well, too bad, because I'm going to make a bundle.

I'll bet you're sorry you didn't grab me while I was available.

Yeah, that'll always sting a little.

Anyway, never let it be said that Fred Loomis didn't return the favor.

So now that I've got a little money in my pocket, I thought I'd come here and

spread a little of it around.

Nadine, your best table. Well, right this way, Mr. Loomis. Ooh, see, you've

a manicure. Yeah.

I got a pedicure, too. My shoes went down three sizes.

That's lovely.

Enjoy your food.

Hey, uh, Fred?

I don't know how to, uh, say this.

Who's your publisher?

You know, I've got this little humor book that I've had tucked away, and, uh,

think it's pretty funny, you know, but I thought maybe, you know, you would

call. Ah, I'd have to read it first.

Oh, sure, of course.

Fred's gonna read my book.

What goes around comes around. I mean, just a few weeks ago, this guy was a

disgusting bum. And now look at him. Because of us, he is now a member of

society again. You know, it's things like this that just gives you hope.

Mm -hmm.

Hey, you got a quarter?

Take a hike, you bum.

What do I look like, a bank?

Dum, dum, da -dum, here I am, your favorite bum.