Original subtitles

Oh, I cannot believe it. I am disgusted and thickened, and this has just gone

too far.

What happened, Abe? Did Congress pass a new entitlement program?

No, no, it's worse. Did you read Meg's column?

She's actually defending the Knicks' lamest basketball player. She says Dave

Flanagan is one of the best athletes in the NBA.

Well, if he's one of the best, how come he was offered a shoe contract with Lady

Foot Locker?

I just don't get it. I mean, Dave Flanagan stinks.

And he's making my bookie a rich man. I mean, if I wanted to throw away that

kind of money, I'd have bought Dana the real pearls.

You know, last week I spent 50 bucks to see the Knicks play.

Flanagan lost the game when he accidentally tipped the ball into the

team's net.

After the game, he said he was disoriented.

Disoriented? For three million bucks a year, you think he could afford a

bleeping compass, you know?

Three million bucks?

Since Flanagan's come to New York, he's averaged, what, eight points a game, two

crummy rebounds. He's shooting a paltry 50 % from the line. It's interesting,

isn't it, how men can remember the most meaningless details.

They can't remember the simplest things, like what the boss's wife wore to the

Christmas party or just how many drinks she had before she tried to ride the

stallion ice sculpture.

That's $62 ,500 a week.

You know, I don't get it. It's not like Meg to support a failing athlete.

I mean, she enjoys picking on the weak and downtrodden. It's what gets her up

the morning.

Are you guys talking about sports again?

Yeah, we have to talk about it every day. Every day or we fall ill.

I don't get why people are so obsessed with sports.

I've been to soccer games. A player trips over his shoelaces and people in

stands are executed.

You know, you don't really feel like going out for a nice meal after that.

Beer, please.

God, what a day.

You write one little article that people disagree with and all of a sudden your

whole readership starts acting like you pushed Nancy Kerrigan down a flight of

stairs.

I mean, whatever happened to freedom of speech?

Oh, I don't know. Not you guys, too.

What has happened to you, man?

Huh? Why are you going so soft on this bump?

I mean, you're the sports writer that made George Steinbrenner cry.

Is everybody on my back for defending Dave?

Basketball is a tough sport. The other players are very tall.

And that hoop, that hoop is small.

Smaller than you'd think. I just think Dave is getting a bad rap.

Wait a minute.

Why do you keep calling this loser Dave? He's not a loser. He's a good ball

player. And a very nice guy.

Are you telling us that you know Dave?

Look, I interviewed him. Over coffee.

After dinner, before the movie.

All right, all right, I've dated him. Are you happy now?

Oh, lovely.

Well, just to wipe the picture from all of your minds, Dave and I have not slept

together. Thank God. Just don't give it away.

That's enough.

You guys, come on.

This is Meg's business.

Is he good looking?

Very. We've already established he makes a nice living.

Does he have decent taste in clothes? Can he order a good wine?

Can he get tough with a cab driver? Does he send you flowers for no reason at

all? Or better yet, can he change the roll of toilet paper without somebody

yelling, Damn it, Jack, were you born in a barn?

Well, well, well, Meg, it sounds like you've hooked the big bass.

Now, don't you let him go. You know how they say there's lots of fish in the

ocean? That's a crock.

You reel him in, club him over the head, and mount him on your wall.

Oh, well, I don't care what anybody says. Dave Flanagan is no good. He is a

loser, and we should run him out of town. Yeah. Yeah.

And here he is.

Wow, where's my camera? Where is my camera?

Hey, Meg.

Hey, Dave. What are you doing here?

Well, I stopped by the paper to see you. They said you're over here. I hope you

don't mind. No, no, no, not at all. Let's just grab a booth way over here.

a minute, Meg.

Aren't you going to introduce us?

Hi, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Jack Stein. I work with Negative Paper.

a very big fan.

Nice to meet you, Jack.

Hi, Dave. I'm Ray.

I'm a big fan, too. Sir, we're both big fans.

Very big. Huge.

It's a nice change of pace to see some friendly faces. I mean, this town can be

brutal. I mean, sometimes I just call Bobby Knight to hear a friendly voice.

Hey, listen. Do not pay any attention to the morons in this town, huh? You're in

a slump. Big deal. You're one of the best players in the NBA. I was saying

not five seconds ago.

Hey, you know what I can do?

Well, if you don't mind me putting my two cents in there.

I think you've got to get more aggressive in the paint. You know, post

the hoop.

Excuse me, but speaking of taking you to the hoop, you do believe in marriage,

don't you, Dave? You're not one of those real Chamberlain type of guys, maybe.

What? What? I'm talking sports to the man.

It's just coming to you, Dave.

So?

So what's up?

Well, I feel a little awkward asking you this, but...

We're going to Boston for tomorrow night's game, and I was just wondering

you'd like to meet me there for the weekend.

Am I reading this right here, Dave? This is personal, not business?

Oh, this is personal.

But I don't want to pressure you. You can have your own hotel room.

Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary.

Wow.

Great. Well, I'll call you later with all the details.

Great. Hey, Dave, could I get an autograph from you? Oh, sure, Ray.

Make it out to Ray.

My main man.

Maybe thanks for the pointers.

Oops, you know, it ripped. Can I do another one? Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey, look here.

Right here, Dave.

Oops. No problem, man. Hey, save it for the game.

Here you go, Ray. Thanks a lot, dude.

Oh, my pleasure. Look, it was great meeting all of you. And if you need

all right, just holler. All right, everybody? Hey, I'll see you tomorrow,

okay?

Hey, hey, hey, what a champ. What a champ. All right.

What a loser.

What a game, sports fans.

The Knicks wiped the court with L .A. I've never seen so many guys the size 15

feet. Weep, bookie.

A couple beers, Barkey. We're celebrating tonight. And man.

Dave Flanagan, another great game. He scores 42 points, gets 12 rebounds,

five shots, gets three steals. I always said that guy was a winner, huh?

You know, frankly, I'm a little worried. Now that Dave's the big sports hero,

Meg is going to have to compete for his affections with out -of -work actresses

like Brooke Shields and Tatum O 'Neal.

I mean, I love this girl. I love Meg, but she's got to understand she's

scratching around with the big cats now.

I don't think we have to worry about Meg losing Dave.

I've got a little theory here, and I know you're going to think I'm nuts, but

I'm going to say it anyway.

Dave started doing well at the big game in Boston. What happened in Boston?

Meg spent the night with him.

Could she be that good?

I'm not supposed to speak on this topic.

But the day after Meg and I did naked things, I tossed a record number of

bags from the can to the truck. I never missed.

It's not exactly scientific, but I feel accurate in saying she got some kind of

magic. You know, every... Every time I come out here, you guys are either

talking about sex or sports. And now, lo and behold, you've found a way to

combine the two.

No question we're resourceful.

But you gotta admit, I got a pretty good theory here. Too bad we can't confirm

it with Meg because she would never tell us.

I mean, she hates if people know anything about her private life.

Yeah, but I'm guessing she must have let something slip to somebody.

Yeah, I wonder if anybody knows.

Well, if you ask me, I don't think Meg would tell anyone.

Women don't blab about their sex lives the way men do. We respect that sex is

something private and personal and not something that's supposed to be analyzed

and broadcast like a boxy game.

All right, all right.

They didn't.

He's good, too.

Very sensitive to her needs.

Apparently, the ability to palm a basketball transfers to the bedroom.

Oh, my God, Dana. Do we really need to hear that? That was disgusting. I mean,

women are way worse than men when it comes to blab. Way worse.

Now, Dana, you don't talk about us, do you?

Jack, that reminds me I have a piece of advice for you. Slow down.

You seem in an awfully good mood.

I guess I am. Hey, Dana, fire me up a nice big steak. The boys here are going

pay for it. Oh, and why would we do that?

Because the way I see it, you owe me a dinner. I was right about Dave.

He is out of his slump. He is now on a record -breaking pace. Never turn your

back on a great athlete.

Now, Meg, I don't think it's that simple.

Looking at the numbers, it seems like maybe, you know, you helped Dave.

I helped?

What do you mean by that?

What do you mean I helped?

Well, you know, ever since Boston when you spent the night.

Oh!

Oh, wait!

Are you saying what I think you're saying? Because that is ridiculous.

That is just ridiculous.

What are you so upset about, Meg? I mean, it's a compliment, really.

Not a lot of women can say they make a man jump higher.

Now, Meg, now, Meg, dear, just think about it. I mean, have you, you know,

night before each game?

Well, I don't know. Let me just check my calendar.

that you could be so superstitious.

And, uh, just to prove how wrong you are, I will not be with Dave tonight,

because in an hour, I have to catch a plane to Toronto to cover tomorrow's

Rangers game.

The Knicks have a game against the Charlotte Hornets tomorrow night, and I

Dave scores 40 points. He'll see.

Oh!

Meg, thank God you're here.

Hey, Dave, something wrong?

Yeah, something's wrong.

I just got your message.

What do you mean you can't be with me tonight?

I need you.

Oh, Dave.

It's you.

Meg, it's you. It's you who makes me so great.

Dave, Dave, don't get like this. It's crazy. You'll psych yourself out. I

couldn't possibly make that kind of difference.

I don't know. I mean, I just feel so comfortable with you. Everything seems

right. Your sweatshirts even fit me.

Hey, Dave.

Dave, I want to be with you tonight, but I can't. Because I have to go to cover

the Rangers game in Toronto.

But listen, I'm still your girl. You big lug.

Now, listen to me. Dave, look at me, Dave.

You're a star.

I bet you'll block ten shots tomorrow night.

Well, you're probably right.

I'm sorry.

You just make me crazy.

Good kind of crazy.

So I'll see you when you get back?

You know you will.

Oh, no.

See, I can do that without a step, laddie. It's so great.

I'll miss you.

The New York Knicks took a pounding from the Hornets last night in a laugher as

they were defeated 101 to 65.

Previously, hot Dave Flanagan was clearly off his game.

How can the Knicks explain him being so hot and cold?

Flanagan had no comment, but several of his teammates said that when a certain

red -headed sports writer, Meg Tynan, is with Dave, he's on fire. Is it a

coincidence? I think not.

It's a coincidence. I'm telling you, it's a coincidence. I don't think it is,

Meg. The guy plays horrible. You sleep with him. He plays great.

Face up to your responsibility. You have special powers.

One person should not have the monopoly.

Now, listen.

When my divorce is final, I'm going to be playing that dating game again. I'm

going to need a little guidance. I sit at the feet of your wisdom. Oh, God.

the truth is you're probably not doing anything special.

But just in case it is you, let's start with a few simple divers.

Hey, Meg, everybody.

Hey, Dave.

This is not a conversation to be had in front of all of you.

Dave, do not come over here. Go directly to that table. I will meet you there.

It's good to see you, Meg.

I miss you.

I really miss you.

I really, really, really miss you.

Why do you miss me, Dave?

Do you miss me because you miss me, or do you miss me because I'm your lucky

charm? Of course I miss you because I miss you. Don't be ridiculous.

I don't know what it is, Meg, but I need to be with you.

Did you see what happened when we were apart?

Oh, God. Not you too.

This isn't just about sex, Meg. I really like you. I mean that.

I cannot have this kind of pressure on me, Dave. The whole city knows about it,

for God's sake.

Oh, I got some great news.

The coach pulled me aside today, and he said that the team is willing to make

out some sort of a deal.

They're talking about doubling your salary at the paper for you to go out on

road with us.

Season, no exhibition games.

What do you say?

I'll tell you what I say. I say forget it. This is not about me. This is about

how many points you score during the game. And Dave, you want to score before

the game? You're going to do it on somebody else's court.

You don't mean that, Meg. Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do. This whole thing is insane.

You can't do this, Meg. What about Houston? It's the big grudge match. The

city is counting on us getting revenge against Houston.

Well, if New York wants you to win so badly, the mayor can sleep with you for

all I care. I am out of here, Dave.

You calling your bookie? Yep.

I'm putting a hundred bucks on Houston. Who's in? I'm in.

I'm winning for 50.

Waiting for another scandal just so this thing will blow over. Where are the

cops on the take? Huh? Where are the politicians on drugs? Where are the

slumlords burning out their tenants? What is happening to my New York? Okay.

All right, Meg, I'm so glad you're here. That was People magazine on the phone.

They want to do a story on you. I said no deal unless they give us the cover,

too. They said they'd think about it. I said don't think too long. I got Vanity

Fair on the other line.

Oh, hey, by the way, you got a few telegrams.

This is from...

Nike, just do it.

And, oh, this one's from Spike Lee. He's got a habit.

Oh, and these flowers, they're for you.

Oh, don't tell me they're from Dave.

No, Martina Navratilova.

She says with your help, she can win Wimbledon one more time.

you're in a tough spot and all, but, I mean, the Knicks are the most important

thing in this city.

I mean, you pull through, they might retire your bra.

You know, hoist it up there where it can hang proudly next to Walt Frazier's

jersey for all eternity.

Just look at it this way.

You have the power to make eight million people happy. Eight million people,

Meg. Even Clinton can't do that.

All right, that's enough.

That's it.

Leave her alone. If Meg doesn't want to be intimate with Dave, she doesn't have

to be intimate with him, and that's the... end of it. Who said anything

being intimate? All she has to do is lie there.

Lie there?

Are you kidding me?

Is that all you think I do?

All that hard work? All those extras? Different textures?

What textures?

What scents? You see, this is the trouble with men. You don't appreciate

those little extras. For a woman, it's part of the whole package. We're not so

goal -oriented.

It's the process.

being honest to you, you don't have to admit that, you know, men really are

carrying the big responsibility. I mean, we're the ones with all the pressure.

Who do most of the work?

Oh, I'm so sorry. We're being insensitive.

I know it's an awful lot of hard work to service our needs while not letting go

of the remote control.

Shut up, everybody. Just shut up. I don't want to hear the word sex anymore.

I am not bowing to pressure. I don't care what happens to the neck.

I don't care what happens to New York City. I am not sleeping with Dave

again, ever.

Oh, my God, it's Marv Albert.

Where's my camera? Where is my camera?

Marv, it's Marv Albert.

Marv, I'm Jack Stein. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm sure you've read my column.

Where is she?

She's right there.

You can run, Meg, but you can't hide.

We have to talk.

Oh, Mr. Albert, excuse me. Just one moment of your time. I watch you on

television. I have just a little piece of advice for you if you don't mind.

please. Lose the blue blazer.

Every sports announcer wears one. You could do so beautifully in a cardigan, a

little soft top, a nice crown.

Warm the pine, lady.

Pardon? Warm the pine.

Uh -oh.

Mr. Albert.

It means go sit on the bench.

Oh. Oh, God. I'm going to hate being single.

All right, everybody, need a little space here. Clear it out.

How are you feeling today, Meg?

Okay. I'm okay.

Good.

You know, Meg, I read your column.

You know sports.

I know you realize it's not just a game. It means something to the players, to

the fans, to the entire world of basketball.

I think you know why I'm here.

I can't do it. I can't sleep with Dave, Marv.

Now, Meg, I think what we have here is an attitude problem.

You have the talent.

You have the ability.

You're just not making an effort.

I can't take the pressure. It's like the whole city of New York has their faces

pressed up against my bedroom window. I'm sorry, Mark. There's just no way.

this is bigger than you, Meg.

Houston doesn't want to beat a pushover team.

They want to play the Knicks at their very best.

That means Dave Flanagan has to be on his game.

But it won't happen without you, Meg. It means everybody on the team has to

work. Let me tell you a story about a little contest called World War II.

You think the only members of the team were the boys in uniform?

No.

What about their teammates back stateside? The school teachers, the

men and women who filled the nation's factories?

All so the team could win.

Oh, you're part of this team, Meg, whether you like it or not.

And don't forget about the little children.

They need heroes like Bird, Magic, Jordan, Shaq,

and now Meg.

Get off the bench.

Be a hero, Meg.

All right. All right, I'll do it. Let me at him. All right.

up like a baby.

Wow.

I thought I'd hate it, but it wasn't so bad.

I just used the free time to mentally rearrange my closets and figure out next

month's menu.

Maybe I should just become a lesbian. They're so in right now.

I just feel kind of bad knowing we're winning all this money using inside

information.

Ray, there is nothing wrong with letting our pal Dave earn us a little

something, like a 40 -inch TV complete with laser disc player.

Hey, guys.

Meg, you're back.

Did you do it?

Yep, I did it.

Did you give it 100 %?

More than that.

What happened?

It's all Marv's fault.

He got me all pumped up, and now Dave has a...

Severe groin pull.

Severe? How severe?

Can you play tonight?

Does it look like I can play?

I got a lot of money on this game.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry.

I just saw my doctor. He said I'm out for the season.

Any further activity would risk permanent injury.

And boy, I do not want this injury to be permanent.

Thanks for dropping me off.

No problem.

So, Dave, I think I'm going to lay low for a while.

Go someplace where I'm just another face in the crowd, where nobody cares who or

what I am.

I'll go visit my parents.

I guess I could call you when I get back.

No, that's okay. No need to call.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Oh, here I, uh, I got you a lucky rabbit's foot.

Not as much fun, but it's, uh, a lot less dangerous.

Well, I better get back to the garden.

Coach is going to kill me.

Bye, Meg.

Bye, everyone.

All right.

What a bum.

Yes!