Original subtitles

Hey there, boys and girls. Nadine Keyes in the minivan.

Oh, hey.

Hey, Ray. My man, how you doing? Hey, we got my cardboard boxes for you. Yeah,

and just because you're moving in with Dana doesn't exempt you from the 25

deposit.

That's per box, non -refundable.

How can it be a deposit if it's non -refundable? Well, welcome to Abe's

Man, I hate this moving in idea. Why do you always have to pick my chefs to get

involved with? You already chased one of them screaming out of the country.

Deja vu. Yeah, that's what it is. Deja stinking vu.

Don't be such a curmudgeon. Jack and Dana are doing the right thing. Now,

listen, Jack, I'm parked across the street. It's the burgundy minivan with

license plate that says Supermom.

Oh, of course, I'm going to have to change that now that I'm divorcing and

children are siding with Charles.

Oh, golly, I shouldn't bring that up right now. Not every relationship ends

shambles. Besides, I'm sure you're not the kind of guy who's going to make an

issue over divvying up the Lennox China that my mother gave us as a wedding

gift. That lousy cheap Neanderthal.

Anyway, lots of luck to you both.

Oh, you got your little boxes and your little moving outfits.

I will never understand why two adults who can afford their own places would

ever want to live in the same place. My parents did that. Look what a nightmare

that was.

What is everybody's problem here? We're just moving in together.

Oh, yeah, and I'm predicting one of those cutesy couple messages on your

answering machine. You know, where you both talk or even sing.

I will never sing.

What about me?

what is the new etiquette here?

If you and I go bar hopping and you go home stinking drunk and throw up in the

bathroom, do I lie to Dana to back up your story about having the flu like

the wife? Or do I say, no, she's my friend. I'll tell her the truth. She's

living with a lightweight who can't hold his liquor. Do you see what I'm going

through here?

Hey, roomie.

I'm all ready for you.

Cleared out a closet and threw some of my dirty clothes on the floor just to

make you feel at home. Oh, honey.

You didn't have to go to all that fuss.

Listen, Dana, I'm going to need the keys to your place. I'm going to start

moving my stuff.

Oh.

I forgot to have my keys copied this morning.

Oh, no problem. Just give them to me, and I'll copy them right now.

You know, Jack, I was thinking, I mean, is it really safe to have all those

extra keys floating around out there? I mean, maybe we should just have one set,

and I'll keep them on me, because how many times are you actually going to be

going to the apartment when I'm not there?

Like all the time.

Dana, is there some reason why you don't want me to have the keys?

Oh, God, no, no, no.

Here they are.

Here are the keys.

Yeah, all yours. No problem. Okay, great.

Don't touch the... I'll show you how to use the stove lighter.

And the little soaps in the bathroom are for guests.

Hey, Jack, have you figured out what you're going to do with your apartment

Uh, no, I actually haven't decided yet.

What are you talking about? I thought you were going to sublet it. Yeah, I

but, you know, you don't want to give up a, you know, a rent -controlled

apartment. That's like leaving a parking space when there's still time on the

meter.

How about letting me sublet it?

Now that I'm starting to date more, it'd be a lot easier than living on Staten

Island.

I'm nervous enough asking a girl to come home with me.

Doesn't make it any easier when I tell her she has to get on a boat.

Sounds like a perfect solution, Jack. Ray gets to live in the city, you get

rent paid for. I mean, unless there's some other reason you want to hang on to

your place.

No, no, there's no other reason. Just that, you know, Ray caught me off guard,

that's all.

No, that's a good idea. Yeah, that only seems right.

Happy moving in day. Oh, my God, would you look at all of that stuff.

Here, I brought you some booze. I tried to tell Nadine you don't have time to

take care of a plant.

She only has to water it once a week. God almighty, she might as well have a

kid.

Well, gee, thanks for the presents here, too. Let me just put this beer in the

fridge. Yeah, no, Meg, you do that. Dana, Jack, come on over here. I want to

take your pictures so you always remember this day.

Okay, sounds great. Where do you want it? Just right here in front of all

boxes. All right.

How's this?

Uh,

actually, could you move apart just a tad?

Yeah, I'm finding now that I'm cutting Charles out of all my pictures, it's

simpler if you leave a little space.

Okay, clear fast.

Oh, come on, Ray, man, you're dropping your side.

I'm the one who's walking backwards.

Besides, we said we'd switch at the stairs.

Ah, yes.

Here it is, the main event, Jack's big surprise.

Gee, is this a present for me?

Jack, I can't believe you did that. I wanted to get you something really

special, and I thought, what can I get you that you don't already have?

And then it hit me.

And I got to tell you, it set me back a pretty penny, but then I figured, well,

it'll be worth it just to see the look in your face.

And it's not just any television either. I mean, this baby has 400 -line

resolution, Dolby ProLogic surround sound, two -tuner picture -in -picture

capability. And you know what that means, Dana? That you can watch two

then tape a third one all at one time.

I mean, we're so lucky to live in these times.

Wow, I just never expected something like that.

Gee. Honey, honey, I'm really sensing a lack of excitement here. Oh, no, it's

nothing like that.

Just that there is a reason I never owned a television.

The last time I watched, there was a horse talking.

And it only talked to one guy.

I just couldn't believe it.

Okay, Jack, where do you want it? In the bedroom, of course.

Oh, gee, it's so big, Jack.

Are you really sure that Johnny Carson is the last thing you want to see before

you go to sleep? Guys, bring it back down, please.

Johnny Carson?

Dana, it's like you're somebody who was raised by wolves and you're coming back

into civilization for the first time.

There are little things I can show you. Come on, guys. I've been better. Let's

go. We're putting it down now, Ray. This is a sucker's game.

You know what, Jack?

We can decide later where it goes.

We'll find the best place together.

Yeah, together.

What did it be, Jack?

A beer, please, Dave.

Okay, guys, it's closing time at the Blue Dana. See?

Starting already.

Now they're a couple. They have no room for friends.

I'll bet that couch doesn't even open up.

Hey, hey, don't forget. After this, you're going to help me move from Staten

Island. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

That's what friends do.

I keep telling you, I'm not your friend.

You are.

No, no, I'm not your friend. You are.

So,

we're all alone.

Yeah.

Just the two of us.

You don't have to go home. You are home.

That's right.

What do you want to do now?

I think you've got a pretty good idea.

Oh, my God!

Oh, that thing scared the hell out of me.

Dino?

How long do those things live, anyway? Shouldn't he be dead by now?

Oh, come on, Jack. You'll get used to him.

Besides, I think he likes you.

Oh, yeah. That's what he wants me to think.

No wonder you find him playing with my head on the front doorstep.

No, the wonderful thing about James is when he's done with you, he'll drop your

head right at my feet.

Oh!

This guy brought this asparagus, and I took a look at it.

Sweetie, sweetie, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I'm not really here right now.

I'm still upstairs writing, okay?

In that case, who was the guy walking around in my kitchen drinking orange

juice?

Oh, I'm writing a whole column in my head right now.

Drinking is writing. Walking is writing. The only thing that's not writing is

talking to people, so shh, shh, shh, shh. Just a little quiet time right now,

okay? Okay.

But don't you want to hear the asparagus story? It's really funny.

Honey, you know, when I'm working on my column, it's like I'm carrying a big

bowl of water across the room. I don't want to spill any. I just need all my

concentration just to get it to the other side. You understand, huh?

I understand.

Wouldn't it be easier to fill a bowl up halfway and then make two trips?

You know, honey, I had a feeling that you wouldn't understand, so I came up

a great idea. You see my baseball cap?

When I'm wearing it, it means I'm writing. So don't even bother to talk to

because I'm not even here. I'm invisible, okay?

Fair enough.

Everybody needs their quiet time, even me. I'll tell you what.

When I'm wearing a wet T -shirt and no bra, I'm invisible.

How about that?

Now, Dana, look.

The hat thing is going to work. You just have to let it. That's all. Just

remember what the baseball cap means. That's all.

Jack, I don't know if I can do that.

There's a lot of things to remember these days. Things like just because

are milk cartons in the refrigerator doesn't necessarily mean that there is

in them.

And I better look twice before I sit down on the toilet. And if I happen to

a pair of boxer shorts in the hamper that consist of nothing more than an

elastic band and a few drips of cotton, that does not mean that it is now a rag.

The new hat policy.

Dana, you didn't throw in my underwear, did you?

You have reached the Actifone voicemail system.

Welcome. If you have a message for... Dana Palladino.

Press 1.

If you have a message for... Jack Stein.

Press 2.

You may start your message now.

and feel right at home here.

Do you have a plunger?

Call me as soon as you get this message.

Oh, geez, it's you.

How do you do that, just materialize in a room?

I hate that.

Ah, this is unbelievable.

How did she get so inconsiderate?

I cook her a whole meal.

I spring for the flowers and everything.

Where the hell is she at this hour, huh?

Of course I can't get any work done because I can't concentrate.

Women. You just can't count on her for anything.

Purring.

I like that.

At least I get a little appreciation from you.

Well, yes, you do know who opens your cans, don't you?

Whoa, did you...

You're my little sweet tootsies, you are.

You know something?

You're not so bad.

No, you know what? You're my little man.

Hey!

You're my two guys.

I just had the greatest time. This old friend of mine, Sarah, popped in from

of town, and we just talked for hours.

She used to be thinner than me, and now, well, that is no longer the case.

Wow, that smells like lasagna.

Oh, it is lasagna.

Jack, you did all this?

Yes, but don't worry about it. It gave me something to do for two hours besides

sitting by the phone wondering if you were floating face down on the East

But go ahead, continue your story about Sarah and the unfortunate weight gain.

Jack, I'm so sorry. I never thought to call. I mean, you didn't say you were

planning anything.

Looks wonderful.

I copied your recipe.

Didn't even use sauce from a jar.

Oh, now, it's no fair making me feel like a horrible person. We never

checking in. Look, Dana, when people live together, they check in. I don't

that has to be spelled out, okay? I mean, you had me sick.

Sick with work.

So what does this mean?

I'm grounded?

Under house arrest?

Relationship jail?

Don't teach me engine.

You will kill the thing you love the best. I mean, don't you think you're

overreacting just a little bit? Of course I'm overreacting. I sound like

Petri, for God's sakes.

Oh, I'm sorry. You have no idea who that is.

For God's sakes, what has happened to me?

I used to be Jack Stein, the lone wolf, my own man, the last of a dying breed.

Your apron is on backwards.

Exactly my point.

Of course, I couldn't finish my column because, well, I was too upset.

And, of course, the deadline is tomorrow.

But I can't work tomorrow night because, as you know, we have to go to Harry and

Marie's for dinner.

Harry, you're publishers?

You didn't say anything about that.

I didn't?

Well, we're going to Harry and Marie's for dinner tomorrow night. I can't go. I

said I'd teach a cooking class at the Y on Sunday.

Well, can't you get out of it? This is my job.

Well, a cooking class is my job, too.

Maybe you should have checked in with me first.

Oh, no, no, no. Do not try and take the offensive here. Because if you cannot

see that you are a hundred times more wrong than me, then this whole thing is

hopeless. I'm beginning to think this whole living together thing is hopeless.

mean, I have bent over backwards trying to make you feel like... Oh, wait, wait,

hold on. No, no, no, no. Don't stop. No, no. You bent over backwards.

Is this what you call trying to make me feel at home?

Oh, what's the big deal? It's big and it's ugly.

summer's person anyway, huh?

All right, look, Dana, you're being totally unreasonable about this whole...

can't hear you.

Now, that's not fair.

I'm invisible.

All right, okay, you've gone too far. Now you're messing with my hat.

I'm out of here, Dana.

Good. And take your stupid hat.

Oh, my God.

Go away. I mean it.

I've got a shotgun here, and I know how to use it.

Ray, for God's sakes, it's me.

Oh, shit.

Boy, you ever hear a knocking?

Scared the bejesus out of me. I'm sorry, Ray.

What have you done to my apartment?

Hey, you like it?

Yeah, we put a little Murphy oil soap on the floor. Really brought out the

luster, don't you think?

Save it, Ray. I'm not in the mood.

Dan and I just had this big blowout. I don't think this living together thing

going to work out for us.

Oh.

Oh, look, Ray, I know you wanted your bachelor pad in the city, and I'm sorry,

but don't worry. I'll help you move all your stuff back to Staten Island.

I can't do that, Jack.

Not for at least a month.

I mean, I already sublet my place to a really big guy who paid cash in advance

in a dirty envelope.

I mean, he was moving in fish tanks and stuff. All right, all right, all right,

all right.

I guess the deal is a deal.

So I guess I'm homeless now.

Hope Dana didn't throw away the box the TV came in.

Come on, Jack, Jack, Jack. Don't be ridiculous.

Hey, you know, we can both live here.

Sure you don't mind?

Mind? Hey, I'd love it. I never had a brother, you know.

Always wanted to stay up late, talking girls, talking sports, talking girls'

sports.

Sounds great, Ray, but I gotta work in my column right now.

So, uh, this thing with Dana, you want to talk about it?

You know, sometimes talking helps. No, no, Ray, I do not want to talk about

Dana. Okay, sure, sure, I understand.

Stay out of your way.

Oh,

so you know Lenny on my roof?

I find out today he had a barbecue over the weekend. I wasn't invited.

Now, what do you think he did there?

I don't know. Not enough turkey dogs?

I've worked with him for five years.

Now that's a snub.

I'm going to go in there tomorrow and act real cool towards him.

See what he says then.

You think I should?

Ray, come on. I'm writing, man.

Oh, yeah, right. Sure.

Probably bugging you.

So what are you writing? Ray.

Please, do you mind? Could you watch TV or something?

Oh, I wouldn't want to disturb you. No, no, it won't. In fact, you know, I can

work better with a little background noise.

Okay. Okay.

Bill passed the Senate by a two -thirds majority.

Cliffside Hospital officials reported...

Where's the clicker?

I lost it. You lost it?

How can we live in a house without a clicker?

Everybody has a clicker. Even the Pope has a clicker.

When he's writing, he puts on his stupid baseball hat with the visor backwards,

which, by the way, is not a look a 42 -year -old man can carry off.

And that's supposed to mean that he's carrying bowls of water and nobody can

talk.

Here's where I'm confused.

Am I supposed to badmouth Jack and side with you, or am I supposed to run to

Jack and tell him you're trashing him behind his back?

I'm in torture here. Pass the red.

Okay, okay.

Here's my assessment of what happened.

Everything you did and said to Jack was completely reasonable and correct.

Everything Jack did and said to you was completely wrong, possibly insane. Am I

right?

They're here.

You know, Jack, I assumed that when we agreed to move in together, that you and

I would share.

You know, not just the food and the chores.

Talking about each other.

Don't close yourself off from me, Jack.

Lower the drawbridge.

Let me in.

Right, do you see this hat?

what have i learned here tonight in order to live with a man you have to

your identity i will never live with a man again

except james he's the only one who understands me

What the hell is this? The touring company of the wishes of Eastwick?

And what is that? Your next sacrifice?

Give him to me?

Everything is okay now.

Daddy is here.

What are you doing here?

I kicked you out, remember?

Excuse me, but I walked out on you.

That is the way it happened.

Oh, Meg!

What are you doing here, huh?

You were my friend first.

Shouldn't you be backing me up on this thing?

This is my nightmare.

Everything's going dark. The two of you got me so upset, I'm getting hysterical

blindness.

Oh, well, that's really great.

Well, fine.

I'm just here to pick up a few essentials, and then I'll be on my way.

Oh, yeah.

Parents, that's not why you're here. You're here because you've been away

me for two hours and you can't handle it. You can't live without me.

For your information, I can live very well without you. I've been doing it for

42 years.

It's my dinosaur I can't live without.

I'm just going to take it and I'll be on my way.

What's going on, Dean?

Oh, why would we go?

Because Dean is going to take him back. It's going to be nauseating, and I don't

want to watch. Oh, God. It's so far to Westchester. It's so late. Can I please

stay with you? Oh, God, I know you. You'll move in. No, please.

All right, but you have to sleep in the kitchen. All right. What? No.

Worry about it. All right.

I'm leaving now.

I guess you were wanting this back.

Mikey, I knew I should never have made another copy.

Well, goodbye.

Don't forget to lock the door after me.

Don't worry.

I'm serious, Dana. You always forget to lock the door. This is not the safest

neighborhood. All right, all right. I'll lock it.

Jack?

You want to borrow my umbrella?

It's supposed to rain.

I heard that on the television.

Well, actually, I would, but, you know, then I'd have to figure out, you know,

when to return it and, you know... Yes, that's true, and that might be awkward.

You would have to come back.

Of course, I do have to come back because then, you know, I've got to pick

all my stuff. Well, of course, you could return it then.

Thursday night works for me. I'll be cooking at the restaurant.

I could give you the key.

Only if you feel comfortable with it. Yeah, I think I would be okay with that

long as you're gone by the time I get home, which is 10 .30.

No, I'm sure I'll still be here.

This is getting really complicated. I really should not take that umbrella,

right? You want to stay over?

Sure. Okay.

But only for one night, huh? Oh, yes, that's all.

And maybe the weekend. We'll have to see.

You know, maybe I should keep this key.

And call Faye.

He'll be worried sick.

Can your cat sleep in a room with us?