Original subtitles

This was the stuff of dreams.

That dream is shattered, so it seems.

We're gonna have the talk.

He's gonna walk the walk.

And we're gonna end the night just friends.

Oh, you know how it goes.

A kiss is pulled away.

A hug, not an embrace.

She shut me down face to face. And we and the night just spread.

Well, hello.

Wow. Yeah.

Isn't this something?

Yeah.

You'd have told me a year ago that this is how we'd end up. I'd have said, okay.

Come here. Put yourself in here.

Perfect.

You have an excellent chest, Mr. Stein.

Good support.

Just the right amount of chest hair. You can never underestimate the importance

of good chest hair.

No, I don't, I don't. I use conditioner on it.

God, I... I can't believe how good you look in the morning.

Well, you put some color in my cheeks, I'll say that for you.

You were pretty wonderful yourself last night.

I don't want to brag, but I think there's a little less gray in your hair.

So, now it starts.

I mean, you know, that is if you want to go further.

Well, of course I do.

But it's scary.

I mean, we'd be crazy to get involved.

But we are crazy.

I mean, if you are.

the fish market by seven.

They'll be stuck with those big ugly bats that look like they need cataract

surgery. Oh, my God.

I don't even have time to go home and change before I go to the restaurant.

You know what we're in for once we get there today.

All of our little pals will want to know every detail of what happened last

night. Oh, I think we should keep this as private as possible.

And even as I say this, I'm laughing the laugh of the damned. At least we have

to try.

I mean, we don't need them meddling any more than they already do.

Agreed.

I have to go.

Oh, there's my other earring.

All right.

Here I am. Just a few minutes late. Not to worry. Everything's under control.

Where the hell were you?

I was at the fish market.

There was a 50 -pound lobster loose on Fulton Street.

Traffic was backed up for a block.

Stupid rubberneckers. Everyone loves a show.

Oh, Dana, Dana, my, my, what a lovely dress and such an unusual selection.

you see, I could not get away with something like this in the daytime.

Well, I just felt like getting dressed up today.

Thought I'd give lunch a new look. Oh, yeah, yeah. How do you expect the

at that get -up?

A fried onion flipped into your cleavage and bang.

Now, I don't believe I have insurance for that.

Dana, dear, my dear, could you by any chance possibly, maybe, perhaps...

Spent the night with Jack, I think? Nadine, no sex talk.

I don't want any images of him and her in my head.

I won't be able to close my eyes at night.

I'll have to watch a happy movie to wash it out of my mind.

Don't stare, Henry. I thought I'd get one more wearing out of it before I...

belated salmon. No sea bass today. They were all at Lynn's Crafters.

grilled chicken, one pasta rabbiata. All right, Dana, cut the bull.

You know what I am capable of. I'm so focused I could bend a spoon with my

It's not going to stay exposed a lot of time if you just tell me what happened.

Oh, please, I need to know. I live through you. All right, all right.

Keep this to yourself.

Jack and I did spend the night together.

Oh, that's great!

Oh, it's so great!

Oh, was it everything you hoped for? Did the earth move? Were there fireworks?

Please, really, I don't like broadcasts all over the place. Would you not want

to be in the spot?

Uh -oh, Mayday, something's wrong.

What could be wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

Why would anything be wrong? Oh, is that bad, huh?

Was it you?

Was it him? You know, neither one of you has any kind of attention span. I blame

TV.

If you tell anybody anything about this, do you know how it is when you go to a

sale and you just...

absolutely love.

But they don't have it in your size.

They're a third kind of drop. And then while you're sifting through the skirts,

you find the blouse shoved in there, and it's in your size.

And then you get up to pay for it, and you find out that...

I'm sure it was my fault. Did you talk to Jack about it?

No, no, he doesn't know I feel this way.

Besides, he would never get the shopping references.

Hi there, Ray. Nice day, isn't it?

All right, now look.

I think I know what happened last night. And now you're the happiest man in the

world. Blah, blah, blah.

Well, I don't want to hear about it.

I can't take that much joy this early in the day.

Okay, sure, no problem.

I'll have a bourbon.

Wait a minute. A bourbon before lunch?

What's wrong with you? Oh, Abe, I'm so glad you asked.

I really need to talk to a guy.

Oh, now I've expressed curiosity.

When will I ever learn?

You're right. Dana and I were together last night. After a whole year of build

-up, it finally happened. And I don't know how to say this, but it was... You

know, it was... It was what?

Oh, see, I did it again.

You know how when it's the big game, and it's your turn to bat, and the bases

are loaded, and the crowd's chanting your name?

And here comes the pitch, and it's in slow motion, right in your wheelhouse.

And you swing, and you get a crack at a bat, and it's out of the ballpark.

Yeah, yeah?

Well, it wasn't like that.

Oh.

Well, here, this one's on the 10 % off.

Hope you don't mind me asking, eh? But what was it like for you and Gracie the

first time?

Well, sorry to say this to you, Jack, but...

Out of the ballpark.

Cover came off the ball.

Broke a windshield in the parking lot.

Gracie bought me a trophy. All right, all right.

Oh, great. Here we go. The Grand Inquisitor.

Now, Meg is going to try and grill me until I crash, but don't say anything.

Hi.

here again because they got laughed at in the meeting. Cal, help me get this

off. The roasted garlic is done. Hey, Dana, I gotta... Meg, it's a cocktail

dress, okay?

It was a choice.

Maybe tomorrow I'll cook in a macrame bikini and a turban. So what?

Yeah, okay, but, uh... Meg, I really love you, but what has happened between

and Jack is very personal. I know you understand.

Yeah, yeah, I do.

But, uh, that's not why I came in here. I gotta... I gotta talk about something

that happened last night.

Meg, I'm really busy right now.

I slept with Ray.

Wowee! I did not see that coming.

You and Ray slept together.

This is a joke, right?

Oh, yeah. Real funny joke.

Did you hear the one about the tall redhead who got rug burned with a

man?

I'm busting a gut. I'm in hell here. What am I going to do? All right, all

right. I think what you should start by doing is giving us all the details. That

way we can advise you. Now, start at the beginning.

Were you drunk?

Was he?

Nadine, there are customers who want their food. No, I want to stay in the

Nadine!

Did he have a gun? Go!

Tell me how this happened.

Keep it moving back there.

It was late. Ray was still feeling kind of crummy about losing you to Jack. He

started saying he was worried he was going to go through life alone, nobody

share things with, no kids. I don't know.

Maybe it was the moon or something, but I started feeling a little lonely

myself. Was there some kind of bet? One of you has six months to live. I am

wrapped in straws.

Anyway, we went over to his place to watch Letterman, like we usually do.

We ordered a pizza, like we usually do.

We arm wrestled for the last flight.

Like we usually do.

Only this time, I didn't win like I usually do.

It was a dead heat.

Our forearms bulged, our eyes locked, and then before I knew it, there was a

garbage man's uniform strewn all over the apartment.

I couldn't believe what happened. When it was over, I just...

Just grab my clothes. I ran the hell out of there. Meg, oh, dear, Meg, just tell

me one thing. You did practice safe sex. Of course there was safe sex. You know,

Ray, the man's trained to throw a plastic bag over every stray object he

Ray!

Meg, for one of the first times in my life, I don't know what to say.

Ray was a virgin.

It was his first time. When it happens that fast, it can be pretty bad.

Yeah, well... That's another problem.

It was great.

The sex was... Great.

Incredible, actually.

Oh, now, come on, Meg. Aren't you exaggerating just a little bit? I mean,

incredible? I think that's an overused word. I mean, my new lipstick's

incredible. This broccoli is incredible. But you don't see me having a cigarette

with it.

Well, maybe they should start one. Are you kidding?

My friendship with Ray means everything to me.

Something like that does not come along every day. Please, Ray, sex you can get

anywhere. I hate broccoli.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I can't face seeing Ray. What will we say

to each other? How are we going to act?

If I know him, he is so embarrassed.

He may not ever come in here again.

Why don't you give me one of those?

You want a bourbon? I didn't think you drank bourbon.

Yeah, well, there's a few things I haven't done before.

You know what they say, there's a first time for everything, huh?

What's with you, Ray?

Let's just say I went to the drugstore this morning and I replaced something

that's been in my wallet for many years.

That picture of Valerie Bertinelli?

Wait a minute.

Ray, did you get lucky last night?

Right you are, my friend.

Tell the man what he's wanted.

What happened?

I mean, you were like obsessed with hanging on to your virginity and you

was noble and the right thing to do.

What planet was I living on, huh?

Ray, why are you grinning like that?

I can't help it. My face is stuck this way.

And it hurts, too.

I didn't mean for it to happen.

I mean, I didn't plan anything. It just did.

I just put myself in someone's very special hands.

Wow. Who was the woman?

Oh, I can't tell you that.

That's very private.

I mean, especially since it never should have happened.

It was wrong. Very wrong.

Splash some cold water in my face or something.

I'll be right back.

Can you believe that?

Ray had sex.

Who could have gotten him to give up his virginity? Must have been one hell of a

woman, huh? Yes.

Hey, Meg, what can I get you?

Bourbon. Bourbon.

Oh, no. Here we go.

I didn't see the paper this morning. What's with you?

Had a late night.

Oh, yeah? Anything interesting?

I can't really talk about it.

I was with somebody last night I shouldn't have been.

What do you mean?

That's really all I can say. I don't want to talk about it.

Meg, is his name one we might know?

Don't go there, Jack.

Yes. Meg, is he kind of heavy set?

Yes. Meg.

Is he a civil servant?

Yes.

Oh, Meg, please, please tell me you had sex last night with Ted Kennedy.

It was Ray.

Would you please keep your voice down? Yes, it was Ray. I had sex with Ray,

okay? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Meg. Are you crazy? What were you thinking?

How could it happen? Were you drunk? Oh, things just got out of control. He got

out of control or I got out of control. I'm not sure. Oh, God, I'm starting to

block.

It must have been horrible, horrible. That's the worst part. It was great. He

was great. I was great.

And now I just want it to become a distant memory that can only be

under hypnosis.

And what am I going to do about our friendship?

How will Ray and I ever be able to do things together again? Like watch the

Universe pageant and look for defective implants.

We look forward to that every year. This is a nightmare. This is a nightmare.

Would you excuse me a minute, Meg?

Where are you going, Jack?

Don't leave me here, Jack.

Dana.

What? Oh, Jack.

Just testing the sherry.

Here you go, Henry. Safe to use.

Dana, I have got big news, big news. You are not going to believe this. Meg and

Ray slept together.

How did you know?

She told me.

It's really something, isn't it? Yeah.

She said it was really great, too.

Must be something in the water. Yeah.

Seems like everybody's having a great sex lately.

Yeah, how about that?

Shall we start it?

Hey, Ray.

You look like you lost your best friend.

Oh, man.

She won't even make eye contact with me.

How could I have been so stupid?

Don't caution her to win like that.

It was Meg I was with last night.

I know.

You think I'm a monster? No.

Ever since she and I have pleasured each other, our friendship's on the line.

What if it's over, Jack? That'd be the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Worst thing and the greatest thing all in the same night? Just get me off this

crazy rollercoaster. All right, look, look, look.

Hold on a minute.

Let's go back a second, okay?

I mean, you say it was great.

I mean, don't forget, this is your first time. You have nothing to compare it

to. I mean, your definition of great might actually be quite a few notches

someone who's done it a few times, like me.

Well, I mean, does it feel like the top of your head is about to blow off and

your mind melds with the mind of God and for one brief moment all the mysteries

of the universe are revealed?

Oh, you've got a lot to learn.

Another permanent.

Oh, come on, Meg.

I hate seeing someone in this much pain.

It isn't going to get any better until you clear the air with Ray. You've got

talk. Honesty is the only thing that holds a relationship together.

I've heard.

I can't do it. I can't look into that face that's like a big wheel of

cheese and have that conversation.

Come on,

look. Here's the table right here. Ray.

Ray, could you come over here a minute?

Dan, I think there's something you need to talk to Meg about.

Yeah, I don't think she... Just do what I tell you. No one will get hurt.

Hi. Can I get you anything? Coffee?

Would champagne be more appropriate?

Is that candle?

Candle's too much? It's going to be a separate check. Hey, Dean.

I just want you to know how much I appreciate what you did last night.

I've been saving myself for that special someone.

I've often questioned that decision.

Now I think I did the right thing.

I can't imagine anybody giving me a better first experience than you did.

Geez, Ray, it's changed you already. Look how staffy you're getting.

I can't help it. It was great.

And I want you to know I consider it a gift from a friend.

Can we be friends anymore? Ray, last night changed everything.

I now know you wear Spider -Man underwear.

That's not a piece of information I ever wanted to have.

I know what you mean.

I mean, things are very different between us now. It complicates things.

Ray, Ray, we had something great together, and I don't want to give it

Me either.

Your friendship is one of the most important things in my life.

The Miss Universe pageant's coming up in a moment.

Oh.

Maybe with a little time.

Yeah. Maybe with a little time.

Maybe if you wipe that stupid grin off your face.

Not good sexual etiquette.

And, uh, while we're on the subject, I want my bra back.

What bra? I don't have your bra.

with me, Ray? I know you have it. If I see you going into that bronzing

Yeah, like I could afford that much bronze on a garbage man. Oh,

hey, come on. That hurts.

She's this close to giving him a wedgie. I think they're going to be all right.

Communication, that's the key.

And honesty.

You got to have it.

All right, Dana.

Yeah?

I can't wait for tonight.

Only five more hours.

If we were in London, we'd be having sex right now.

Good morning.

Good morning.

It is a good morning.

Oh, yes, a great one.

Well, here we are.

Ooh, this is some room. I, um, hardly get a sense of it last night with all

those candles burning.

I'm so sorry your chest hair caught on fire. Oh, it's okay. It'll grow. I

shouldn't have lit so many. I just wanted it to be extra romantic.

Thought it might help.

Not that we need any help.

Oh, geez, no. We're the last ones that need help.

Well, beyond help, actually.

Jack, I'm so glad you said something.

I think we have a problem.

Tell me about it.

I don't know what it is. I think I just had something on my mind.

I just couldn't help but think how you were so in love with that other woman,

and she broke your heart, and I just wanted to be better than her so you'd

think about her again.

I was going through exactly the same thing.

All I kept thinking about was all those soccer players and matadors you've been

with and how you're probably comparing me to them.

And I just wanted you to think that I was the greatest guy you've ever been

with.

We're two of a kind, you know that?

You have a head like a small melon.

How could I be thinking about another woman when I got that?

Come on, Dana, we can do this.

I knew it the first time I danced with you. We're terrific together.

And all this is is naked dancing.

Yeah, we just gotta kick all those other people out of bed with us.

All right, let's try this time. It's just you and me.

Oh!

Dana! Dana!

What is that?

It's huge. What is it? It's just my cat, James. Pay no attention.

But, Dana, it's staring at me.

It's evil. I can sense it.

Could you get it off the bed? I really can't work under these conditions.

James, get off the bed.

James, go back into your little house.

He has a mind of his own.

Unfortunately, so does little Jack.

By the way, went back into his little house.