Original subtitles

Come on, Dana.

I can't believe you hated my column. You were my inspiration. I thought you'd be

thrilled. Jack, we had a private conversation. You took what I said

out of context and put it in your column.

Did Jack admit it? Whose side are you on? Hers, Jack.

She said that sometimes being an independent woman is not worth the

Isn't that exactly what you said? The operative word there, Jack, was...

Sometimes you make it sound like a woman can never get along without a man.

Trust me, I can change a tire and think the world revolves around me just as

well as any man.

Casey, Jack, the only reason we really need a man is so when we go to the

movies, we get someone to stand in line for popcorn so we don't miss the coming

attraction.

I don't know why you're so upset.

I mean, nobody's even going to know it was you I was talking about. I changed

your name, for God's sake. Oh, yeah, you changed my name. Nobody would ever make

the connection between Dana Palladino and Donna Pallamino.

Obviously, Dana, you are going to read into this whatever you want.

Look, tomorrow, I'm writing an article on Nelson Mandela. Try not to see

yourself in that, okay?

Hey, Jack. Hey, Ray. Well, look at you, all dressed up.

Fighting a ticket or something?

I just don't like getting dressed up today.

Hey, Jack, before you go, I wanted to ask you something.

I know you and Dana, you spend a lot of time together.

I don't know how to put this, but... I mean, is there anything between you two?

Oh, yeah, there is.

Open hostility.

Hey, guys.

What about a white wine, Ed?

Yeah, a dry Chardonnay, a Pinot Grigio, something.

Who the hell are you, James Bond?

Ray, Ray, look at you. Somebody has been in the store slapping those racks.

Oh, boy, what a smart outfit this is, too. Hey, come on, hop off that stool.

me have a look at you.

Ah, oh, yes, oh, very handsome.

Very nice. Now, did we leave an inch for growth?

Oh,

good. How are we doing in the garage? Hey, hey, Nadine, Nadine.

going on with you? Why aren't you wearing that hideous green jumpsuit and

smelling like a dumpster behind a sushi restaurant?

That's the Ray we know and love.

Yeah, but this is the Ray that Dana will love.

Oh.

Oh, no.

This is about Dana?

Yep. Yeah, I've been hiding behind Ray, the tough macho sanitation worker, long

enough. Last time she got to know this Ray.

The Ray who likes poetry, fine sculpture, the new yo -yo mob Bobby

Just tell me your underwear is still white, man.

It's still white and baggy, isn't it?

Sweet mother of God.

Hey, people grow, eh, you know?

Great. I want you to listen to me.

Do you remember what happened to you in April of 1986?

Think back.

Oh, yeah.

That was bad.

That's when I got turned down for that Sears credit card. That's right, right.

And do you remember?

I had to come over to your house and force you to get dressed after three

Yeah. Uh -huh. And do you remember how you had to send your laundry out because

there was a Kenmore washing machine in the building and every time you looked

it, it was like another slap in the face?

Yeah. All right. Well, you're setting yourself up for another big fall, Ray,

except this could be worse because after Dana rejects you, she's not going to

cheerfully invite you to reapply every six months.

Look, I don't care, Mary Margaret.

I'm crazy about Dana, all right?

I've been sitting around doing nothing about it for way too long.

If I don't give it this shot, I'm going to regret it my entire life.

You're not going to try and plead for mercy on their behalf, are you?

Because let me tell you, the next stop is a lemon butter sauce.

Nobody asked them to be bottom feeders, right?

Oh, no, no, no. I think it'd be an honor for any creature to be boiled alive by

you, Dana.

Picking up some trash over by the museum the other day, and I remember about how

you said when you were a little girl your dad took you to the planetarium one

time. Yeah, and I kept my coat on the whole time because I really believed we

were outside.

Yeah, how he had to hold your hand the whole time because you felt even littler

under the huge sky.

Yeah. I can't believe you remember that story, right?

Oh, yeah, sure, I remember it.

It touched me. It reminded me of the time my dad taught me how to grow up the

tub.

I just thought you'd like to know that I happen to have two tickets for a Sunday

night show at the Planetarium.

Spring Sky.

I thought maybe I could pick you up at six.

We'd go see the show, grab a bite afterwards.

Oh.

Oh, Ray.

I just knew how, you know, you wanted to see it again.

It would make me very happy to know that I played a little part in helping you

relive some special memories.

Gee, Ray, that is so nice.

Oh, my God. Well, you're busy, of course. Jeez, what was I thinking about?

I mean, what, you're going to be sitting around waiting for the phone to ring?

No, I'm sorry, Dan. I'm such a jerk sometimes. Oh, you're not. You're not,

You're a wonderful man. Just wonderful. I... I'd love to

go to the planetarium with you.

You would?

Wow, that's great.

Yeah, this would be a good thing for us. It gives us a chance to talk.

Well, great, great. Well, then, Sunday at 6.

And Dana, Sunday, the heavens are ours.

All right, what happened? Don't leave anything out. We'll decide what's

important.

Oh, God. All right, yes, ma 'am.

He laughed with a big smile on his face. Now that he gave him a rub down with a

virgin olive oil, he said yes.

I couldn't turn him down, not here in the kitchen, everybody coming through. I

mean, you know, he was looking at me with those big old watery basset -hound

eyes. Oh, I know there are times I look at him. Sometimes I just want to give

him a big bowl of kibble.

This is very bad. Dana, you know how Ray is? He's going to read way too much

into this. I mean, if a waitress walks up and says, Hi, my name is Sally. Let

know when you're ready. He thinks she's coming on to him.

It'll just be Ray and me, and it'll be good. It'll be a nice time for me to

a way to...

Let him down gently. You'll see. It'll be fine. It'll be fine.

Only 48 hours and 17 minutes.

Sit down, please.

Take your seats.

Sit. Sit down.

Sit. It's a pretty interesting exhibit out in the lobby, huh, Dana?

You know, I had no idea that we're constantly transmitting messages into

space. Yeah.

I thought it was great they let us record our own message. What did yours

Just one word.

Peace.

Oh, now I feel bad.

I said Tuesday night is alien night at the Blue Shamrock.

Here, I got a program for you.

Did you know that Venus is the goddess of love?

Huh.

A car made in Kentucky that has a very high consumer satisfaction rate.

You look very beautiful tonight, Dana.

Oh, I don't.

I'm all bloated. And when I start putting on weight, oh, boy, I can just

up overnight. Once I weighed 200 pounds, I had no neck. That's not a good look

for a woman. I was just... I waddled.

Well, that just means there'd be more of you to... Quiet.

Quiet, please.

Quiet.

Better.

Quiet.

Shh. Good.

Welcome to the planetarium.

Tonight we have with us the New Jersey chapter of MENSA, an organization well

known for its superior intelligence and passion for knowledge.

We're delighted to have you in our midst, MENSA members.

And now, without further interruption, I give you our springtime presentation

of... The heavenly planets formed

billions of years ago by a gigantic explosion which gave birth to our solar

system. The planets of our solar system, in order of their mean distance from

the sun, are Mercury, Venus, our home, Earth, Mars,

Jupiter, Saturn,

Uranus, Neptune, and

Pluto.

Mercury is the closest to the sun. Excuse me, Dr. Baxter?

Yes, sir. A question from one of our MENTA guests.

What was the planet after Saturn? I'm afraid I didn't hear you.

The planet after Saturn is Uranus.

All right. All right, people.

Let's get this straight right now. There are two pronunciations of the word.

Nowadays, the more common is Uranus. But I'm from the old school, and I prefer

Uranus.

Can you believe these people?

Are they ruining it for you, Dana?

No. All the planets are completely unique.

Utterly different in size, density, and composition.

Excuse me, Dr. Baxter. I was wondering, is Neptune similar in size and

composition to any other planet?

An excellent question.

Neptune is similar in size and composition to Uranus.

And I can turn off this

solar system with a flick of a switch.

I'm sorry. We're just interested in Uranus.

All right, now stop it.

Come on, this is disgusting.

What's so disgusting about Uranus?

Well, real mature, people.

Yeah, real mature.

All I can say is thank God for sparing me a college education.

All right, then, let's continue.

There's more like it, huh?

This really is a special night, isn't it, Dana?

Look, there's the Big Dipper.

And that's Taurus the Bull.

And that's Leo. He's my favorite.

I'm a Leo.

I've been looking forward to this night ever since I met you, Dan.

Ray, I'm afraid this night is not going to

be what you imagined.

What do you mean?

Maybe I should have said something before we went out.

I thought this was just going to be casual.

Oh, my God, I'm being too forward. Hey, it's all right.

I'm an animal. Hands everywhere.

Hey, if I've offended you, I will never forgive myself. No, please.

I'm touched that you feel the way you do. It's just... You're a wonderful guy,

Ray.

I just... I can't return those feelings.

You deserve somebody better than me. I waste water.

I don't recycle. I say I do, but I don't.

I'm opinionated. I'm set in my ways.

I never had a relationship to laugh at. I mean, I'll probably end up with

somebody just like me.

Somebody like Jack?

What? That's who you're describing. I mean, who else could it be?

I guess I should have seen something.

Well, you guys are fighting all the time.

You weren't fighting at all. You were mating.

Don't be ridiculous. How could we have a future?

He doesn't even want a relationship.

Yeah, I think he does.

Why? Did he say something?

Not in so many words, but all the signs are there.

I guess I'd block them out for my own selfish reasons.

Ray.

I'm okay with it.

Don't worry.

I just needed my chance tonight.

You know, that's all.

I just needed my chance.

The stars are out.

We can still enjoy the show, can't we?

Can't we do that?

Sure.

Jupiter's gravity is so strong.

I think he took it really well. I was honest and direct. I said that I

return his feelings, but that I certainly valued his friendship, and he

to accept it.

Hey.

Hi, Ray.

Hey, Dana.

Boy, I sure could use a cup of coffee. Oh, hey. Coming right up.

And, Ray, thanks again for last night. Oh, it's my pleasure.

Hey, look, there's no such thing as a secret around here, so you can all stop

pretending like you don't know what happened last night.

I'm fine.

It's no biggie, right, Dana?

No biggie.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, hi.

Well,

Dana, here it is, today's column.

Look, I thought about what you said, and, well, I wrote this one for you.

A complete apology to Donna Palomino.

really something, Jack.

I'm touched.

I just wanted to know that Jack Stein was still capable of growing as a human

being.

That's great. Maybe in a couple of years you'll be able to see over the steering

wheel of a car.

What? Oh, nothing.

Just make a little joke. Oh.

Are you surprised?

You know, you're not the only one around here with a sense of humor, Jack.

I didn't say that I was.

Oh, excuse me.

You see, I thought we were all supposed to think that you were the center of the

universe, Jack. Well, I got news for you. I was at the planetarium last

and you know, I didn't see your face up there.

Although I did see your anus.

Ray, are you all right?

Oh, now there's something wrong with me?

There's always something wrong with everybody else, isn't there, Jack?

You know, Ray, I'm thinking maybe there were a few things last night we didn't

talk out.

What happened last night? Oh, come on, Jack.

You know, I... I thought I could handle seeing you.

You lied to me, Jack. You said there was nothing going on between you and Dana.

There is.

She told me. What?

I mean, how could you let me make such a fool out of myself?

How could you be that cruel, man?

Ray. Ray, you got this all wrong. Oh, come on, Ray. Wait.

Dana, what the hell is going on here?

I don't think I should talk about it.

Oh, you're going to talk about it.

Dana, why? Why is Ray so angry with me, and why is he saying that I'm the one

you're really interested in? I don't know. I just went in on what I hoped

be a casual date, but he kept asking if there was somebody else, and I mean, you

know, there's not. I only said that you might be the kind of guy who... What

kind of guy?

Who, to under other circumstances, might...

Why am I going on? Do you even care?

I mean, I don't not care.

Hypothetically speaking.

We are speaking hypothetically, right?

Yeah.

Hypothetically.

Yeah. Sure, hypothetically. I mean, I might even... I can think of you as a

person who... Well, you know.

You know what?

Well, you know.

You know.

You know, Ray is out there. I should really go find him. Yeah, absolutely. I

mean... We shouldn't be here talking about us when he's out there on the

streets.

All right, Hannah.

I get going, then.

But, um, hypothetically, we could continue this conversation. Yes.

Hypothetically.

You better go.

Right.

Look, Dana, I looked all over for him. I left like 20 messages for him. I even

called his mother, which was tough because my Lithuanian is rusty.

The only thing I could gather was that she hadn't seen Ray and Stalin was

over for his piano lesson.

Hold on.

Who is it?

It's me, Sanitation Man.

Open the door, I'll dent all your cans.

He's here. I'll call you later.

Hey, Jack.

What are you doing here?

I live here, right?

All right.

Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?

You're going to find out sooner or later, so I might as well tell you. I've

drinking. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I saw it in a movie once.

When your heart gets broken, you go on a bender.

So I decided to drink my way through the alphabet.

Yeah, I started with A for alcohol.

And I worked on the B for Mr.

Booze, and the C for cocktails, and D for delightful little cocktails. Okay,

okay, all right, all right, all right, all right, look. Let me just get you

coffee. Oh, that's a good idea, Jack.

Wait, hey, hey, Jack, I already did the C, come on.

Well, let's do one with the Danish spelling, which is with a K.

Okay, look, wait, wait, no, no, no, look, just, just sit, would you please?

no, no, I've been having a lot of trouble with that, no.

Hey, Jack.

What? Still a big wall right here.

You got tools.

Just stop moving for a minute. Ray, come on. We need to talk, all right?

Ray, look, I know why you're here.

What? Because you want to kill me.

That's a very good idea, my friend. How should we do it? Try and focus, Ray,

please. I mean, look, this whole thing with Dana, you know, we've got to clear

the air.

Look how big my feet are, Jack.

All right, look, I'll start.

Now, look, Ray, I know what you must be going through.

Rejection is never easy, but I'm here for you, buddy, and we can talk things

like we always do.

No, I'd like that, Jack, because you're the guy I like to come to when I have a

problem, but this time you're the problem.

I love that woman, Jack.

I love her.

The problem is, it's you that she wants.

Seriously, huh?

I mean, when is it going to be my turn?

Where's my girl?

I mean, Rush Limbaugh has a girl.

Hitler had dates.

Meatloaf. All right, look, if you say so.

I mean, you're asking the wrong guy. I mean, no one knows less about women than

I do. I mean, I'm as alone as you are.

Yeah, but you don't have to be.

See, that's what makes me unlucky, and you a schmuck.

It's not that easy. I'm not even sure I'm ready for another relationship.

What the hell is wrong with you, man? How often does somebody really special

come along, huh? I mean, look, it just doesn't seem that things work out the

you want them to. Hey, hey, but it can.

What are you saying, Ray?

What I'm saying is... I'm giving Dana to you.

You're kidding.

Yeah.

Make her happy, Jack.

It is Jack, isn't it? It's a sign. It's all porn.

Ray.

This is really nice of you.

But what about us?

Getting a little greedy now, aren't you?

No. I mean, a thing like this could wreck our friendship.

I mean, we go back too far for that.

I mean, I want to know that, you know, I can still call you up one night and

say, hey, Ray, you know, let's go out and shoot some pool. I mean, I want to

still be able to do that.

You never did that before.

I'm reaching, but, you know, if we wanted to, you know.

It does sound pretty good, though, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does sound good.

What do you say we go right now and shoot some pool?

Sure, come on.

Yeah, I'll go shoot some pool with my old buddy Jack, huh? Maybe later we'll

grow beards.

We'll grow beards.

Hey, we'll pick up some chicks, huh? Oh, no, Ray, you can't call them chicks

anymore, trust me.

Babes? No.

Skirts? No, don't even think about it.

Teach me, Jack.

We'll learn together, Ray.

I'll drive.

No, don't.

So he threw up. We went out. He shot a little pool. We found around town a

little. He threw up again.

It was a fantastic night and raised funds.

Fantastic night out always includes throwing up. What is that?

I don't know.

But why didn't you call me? I was in the mood to throw up.

Well, I'm just glad this whole thing is finally resolved. I miss that sweet,

lovable guy who sits at that bar every night.

And here he is now.

Hey, Dina.

Hi, Ray.

I just thought you'd like to see what you're missing.

Excuse me, Dr. Baxter.

What was the purpose of the Voyager space probe? The sole purpose of the

space probe was to explore the planet Uranus.

Saturn and Jupiter have rings around them. Didn't they recently discover

around another planet?

Yes, scientists discovered rings of debris around Uranus.

Is that the proper pronunciation for the name of that planet?

Yes, it is.