Original subtitles

Oh, geez, unbelievable.

Makes me nuts.

Hey, what time have you got?

Official Blue Shamrock time is 12 .02. Thank God. Give me a shot of bourbon.

Whoa!

A real drink this time of the day?

What's the occasion?

It's not early in the day. Anything before noon is early in the day. It's 12

.02, probably 12 .03 by now.

Hey, give me a shot of bourbon. My mother's in town.

Roll the steins back?

Here. Want to follow?

Jack, Jack, Jack, take it easy.

From your appearance, I'd say your mom's been telling you to sit up straight

for, what, five days in a row now?

She got in last night.

I don't know what it is. It used to take a whole week to lose full range of

motion to my neck.

This time it happened right in the baggage claim.

Jack, you don't have to go through this alone.

You got friends. We'll stand by you.

Where's she now? At the paper getting me a raise.

You're on your own, buddy. Ray.

Hey.

I'm a garbage man, not a shrink.

All I'll say, though, is you leave her on the curb, I'll pick her up on

Thursday.

All I'm saying is if you wore a skirt sometimes, maybe the boys would look at

you. Men like a skirt.

It's part of the package.

If you want them to buy the steak, you gotta sell the sizzle. You know what I

mean?

Hello, New York.

Oh, how I have missed you. this toddling town.

So, Jack, I want to thank you for bringing your mom down the hall to my

for coffee. Say, what happened with that phone call you suddenly had to make?

That sure was a long ten minutes.

More like forty.

And now we find you here. But, see, I had a feeling he'd be here. But that's

okay. Gave Rose and me a chance to talk about things like my social life and

what a nice guy Stan and Classifieds is and how the love of a good woman can

sometimes turn a gay man around.

Well, well, well, Mrs. Stein. Nice to have you back in New York.

And before you get all over me, you should know since you were here last, I

married. Oh, Abe, congratulations.

I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.

Well, it wasn't that kind of wedding. I mean, we got married pretty quick. Well,

not that we had to.

You see, we only invited a few special friends.

Not that you're not special.

What time is it? 12 .05. I think I'm going to have me a burger.

Mrs. Stein, may I just say how wonderful it is to see you here again and tell

you Jack is so happy. He has just been going on and on how thrilled he is to

have his mother come visit. Nice try, honey.

I appreciate your effort.

And here's your consolation prize.

Of you.

Rose, unplugged.

I'm trying to broaden my appeal.

So, Jack.

What fantastic evening have you planned for your mother?

Oh, is La Cage aux Folles still playing? That is my favorite.

Meg, you should see that. Now, those boys know how to dress.

Mom, are you hungry? Come on, let's just take a seat. Oh, all right. Thank you.

All right.

I want someone to try this. I have taken cod, a fish so boring other fish

refused to swim with it, and turned it into something so fabulous it could do a

guest spot on Letterman.

How about you? Would you like to try? Well, sure. Why not?

Oh.

Oh, this little girl knows her way around a fish.

I mean, who is this genius?

Uh, Rose Stein. This is Dana Palladino. She's the new chef here at the Blue

Shamrock. Stein?

Yes, I'm Jack's ex -wife.

Mom?

Well, what do you know?

This is Jack Stein, Mother, well, what a pleasure to meet you. You know, there

was a rumor going around that Jack Stein didn't really have a mother, that he

was actually found frozen in a block of ice in the Bering Strait.

Mind if I sit down?

You're a cute little fist, Bill. Are you two an item?

Oh, no, I've gone beyond embarrassment.

So tell me, Mrs. Stein, is Jack taking care of you? What wonderful things have

you done since you got here? Well, let me see. This morning I got up and I had

breakfast. And then Jack took me to a pharmacy, gave me a roll of quarters,

let me go crazy with the blood pressure machine.

Jack. Jack, come on. It's New York City. There's plays, concerts, museums.

I like you. You have a pulse. Would you like to join us tonight? I'd love to.

So, Jack, where are we going? Yeah, Jack, where are we going?

Oh, for God's sakes.

All right, let's see.

Let's see.

Let's just see.

Let us...

Let's see.

Ah!

Here we are.

Here's something at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens.

They're having their big succulent show.

Well, we must have run you ragged in his teenage years.

Here's something. A gallery opening.

Oh, now you're talking. I have never been to a gallery opening. The newest

by Dante Palladino.

What are you... What? There's a showing of my father's work and I don't know

about it? It also says a champagne reception with the artist.

Oh, no, that can't be. My father's in Europe. If he were in town, I'd know

it. Don't say Palladino.

Dana's father. He's a big deal modern artist. Well, I can't believe it.

He's in town and he hasn't called me. Well, this can only mean one of two

things. Either he's planning a big surprise or the value of his paintings

about to go up because the artist will soon be dead.

What do you wear to a gallery opening?

We're not going, Ma.

Oh, we're going.

Why do you come off calling yourself an artist?

You are so full of crap, I gotta get a crap decoder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got a dry cleaner who knows more about art than you, and he's full of crap.

Yeah, yeah, get out of here before I call the crap police.

It's all right, everybody.

We're safe now.

Eat, drink, have a good time. This room is now crap free.

Well, I guess we won't have to read the review in the Times tomorrow.

Oh, well, I know that voice.

If it isn't my little garbanzo bean.

Hi, Dante.

Hello, baby.

I don't believe you came all the way in just to see my opening.

What are you talking about? I live here now.

Since when?

Since last year.

I told you. You did?

I've got to start writing stuff down.

Give me another hug.

Oh, that feels good.

I've missed you.

And you've gained, I'm guessing, what, about 10 pounds?

What, are you working in a carnival now?

How can I not eat cheese? How can I not drink wine? When I go, I want to go face

down in the big plate of pasta bolognese.

Let me look at you.

You look more like your mother every day, God rest her soul.

So what are you doing?

What's going on in your life that you can't remember where your kid lives?

You know, I'm busy traveling.

Hey, you know me.

I was never very good at this daddy thing. Besides, since when did you want

old man keeping tabs on you? All right, all right, you're off the hook.

I'm cooking in a new restaurant now.

You should come in. I'll make you some pasta bolognese without any oil.

Without oil.

Why don't you put me in the ground now?

I don't get it.

Oh, it's modern art.

But what does it mean?

It means the earth is made up of many different layers.

You don't know what it means.

Mom, you want something to eat? I'm going to get you something to eat.

Oh, Dana.

Hi. Oh, I'm so glad you decided to come.

And look at you. You're wearing a turtleneck.

I never saw you wear a turtleneck before.

Oh, I wear them. You just forgot.

No, I didn't. You don't wear turtlenecks. Yes, I do.

Cowlnecks I don't wear.

And Dickies are out. But, you know, I go for the turtleneck when the mood hits.

I actually have had this one for years.

Well, whatever you say.

Come on. I'd like you to meet my father. Oh, no, no, that's okay. He looks busy.

Maybe some other time. No, no, no. Come on, come on. I think you two will like

each other.

Excuse me.

Dante. There's somebody I'd like you to meet. This is a friend of mine.

Jack Stein.

Jack Stein.

Dante Palladino. Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you, sir. I've heard so much about

you, and I'm a big fan of your work. A very big fan.

If not so, what exactly about it do you like?

Uh, well, let's see.

I'm not intimidated by it.

Looks like something I could do.

I mean,

look at that.

That big circle.

How do you decide a circle and not a square?

And why blue?

And then you've got that big 12 on there. I'd have put a 9.

And ruined the whole thing.

Oh, no, only a genius could put together something like this.

I guess I don't have to tell you, son, that you're full of crap.

No, sir, I've known that for years.

Oh, so this is where everybody is.

I'll bet I know who you are. You're the artist.

Oh, Dante, this is Jack's mother, Rose Stein. Rose, Dante Palladino. How do you

do? Wait a minute. Wait one minute.

Are you saying this is Jack's mother?

It's hard to believe.

I know. I look great from my age. That's because I love my work. I'm an artist,

too, you know. Is that so?

I sing.

All the standards.

Last month, I was the opening act for Rosie Clooney down in Boca.

I blew her right out of the water.

I like her.

She's got a healthy ego and a voice like a thick fog over the Tiber.

I got an idea. What? There's a lovely little jazz joint around the corner.

Why don't we get out of this pop stand and have some real fun? You know what?

It's almost 10. I gotta get up pretty early tomorrow to finish my column.

I wasn't talking to you.

He's talking about your mother and me.

Dante, do you really think it's a good idea to leave the show? All these people

have come here to see you. They're all full of crap.

Mom, you know, I didn't tell you this before, but I got a big surprise waiting

for you back home.

I bought your favorite tea and cookies, and I rented cocoon one and two.

Jack, you and I have got to have a talk.

Come on, Rose, it's a beautiful night.

Let's try and make the most of it.

See you later, Jack.

Thanks for the invite, Jack. I never pass up an invitation for dessert.

Can I take your coat?

Yeah, but I can only stay a minute.

Just long enough to rifle through your mail and look through your medicine

chest.

I'm pretty beat.

I know what you mean.

Hey, how about that tea and cookies, huh? Yeah, I'll help you.

Whoa, nice kitchen.

Where's the rest of it?

What kind of space do you need when Chef Boyardee is cooking for you?

The cookies are up there.

Girl Scout Thin Mints. I love these.

I actually tried to get the recipe once. It's like trying to get gold out of

Fort Knox.

I even told them I had one of their kids tied up in my apartment.

They laughed. They said it wasn't possible. They know too much about

Was it a price tag on your shirt?

How did that get there?

Dana, please, over the sink.

Well, how late are you going to be?

Ma!

What happened?

She said she was at some club.

And then she yelled, look, there's Liza Minnelli. And she hung up.

When the hell did your father take her?

I don't think there's anything to worry about, Jack.

If there was Liza Minnelli, what could happen?

You're right, you're right.

Why am I eating?

You know, this is actually kind of nice. I mean, my mom's out on her own.

She's not involved in my life right now. I can take a break.

You're spoiled, Jack.

You don't know what it's like to have a parent who's never involved in your

life. I mean, my dad was never really dead.

He was Dante Palladino.

Of course, he didn't have any idea what to do with children.

I'll never forget the Christmas when I was 10.

He gave me a case of wine, which I loved at the time.

I think maybe I missed something.

You know what you missed?

You missed the joy of being suspended from the baseball team because your

yelled obscenities at the ump in Yiddish.

You missed being on a big date and looking up through the fog windows of an

Buick and seeing this woman's head in curlers saying, Who wants pound cake?

Want to watch TV?

Yeah.

You want to watch this?

Yeah, sure.

Toss me that Afghan, would you?

Jack, do you think anybody has normal parents?

No, I don't think it's possible.

That's why they're the parents and we're the kids.

Oh, it feels good to sit.

Tell me about it.

Turn it up. I can't hear.

Wake up.

My mother's not here.

Dana. What?

Where am I? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What time is it?

It's 645.

645. The garbage truck. Oh, this is horrible.

I fell asleep in front of the television.

The last thing I remember is somebody cutting a woman's hair with a vacuum

cleaner.

This is why I don't own a television.

Where is she, Dana? Where is my mother? I don't know. Why are you asking me?

She's with your father, a man who wears his pajamas out in public. I would say

it's a pretty telling thing, wouldn't you?

What are you implying? Did my father and your mother... Oh, please.

That's too weird. That's just too weird. Oh, really? He was on her the minute he

met her. She was like a sitting duck, an attractive widow with a nice pension.

I'm calling hospital.

Dad, Dad, please stop. Calm down. Calm down. I don't think there's been an

accident. Maybe they're out dancing. There are a lot of places that are open

night. Why would they be out dancing? Maybe they like each other.

Dana, will you listen to yourself?

These are our parents we're talking about.

Yours and mine.

Besides, you shouldn't just jump into things like that. You can get hurt.

Sometimes it's good to do things impulsively. I mean, sometimes you end

what you really want to do. Or you'll wind up in a hospital having cappuccino

pumped out of your stomach.

Hello, operative. Please give me the number for Mount Sinai.

Oh, my mouth feels like a lint trap.

I can't believe I slept in my clothes. Can I take a shower, Jack? It's down the

hall on the left.

Yes, sir.

An operative. I would also like the number for New York Hospital and St.

Vincent's. Yes.

Don't kill it! It eats the other stuff!

Oh, good.

I brought some bagels.

Do you have any idea what time it is? Where the hell have you been? I've been

worried sick.

Oh, well, I guess we just lost track of the time.

Oh, you did, did you? It ever occur to you that maybe I might be worried that

you're under the wheels of a bus?

Jack, I take full responsibility.

Please. I mean, I'm at fault.

Your mother and I hit it off and, uh, well, uh... Well... Well, uh, what?

I'll tell him.

Jack, we went to a hotel.

What, to the Carlisle to see Bobby Short?

No, Jack.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, I'm scarred for life.

Mother, what the hell are you doing? You are my mother. You should be sitting

here in a rocket telling me how cute I was at the Purim carnival.

Jack, I may be your mother, but I am not dead.

I have needs.

What about Dad?

He has no needs. He's been dead for 17 years.

Well, isn't there a period of mourning?

I've never seen you. Like this.

I must say, it's kind of cute.

Oh, honey.

Now, I have my own life.

And difficult as it may be for you to accept, sometimes you just have to stay

out of it.

I can't move my neck.

My head won't rotate at all.

Jack, can we have a talk?

Man to man.

I'll get breakfast.

A nice raisin bagel will take the edge off.

Oh, yeah. Raisin bagel will solve everything.

Only the Menendez boys had stopped by the deli before they bought the ammo.

Jack, I want you to relax. Take it easy.

Here, have a cigar.

You'll enjoy it. It's Cuban.

I traded one of my paintings for it. Between you and me, I got the better

Well, enough chit -chat.

Here's the story.

When you get to be my age,

Your mother's age.

There's one of two ways to go.

You can sit around waiting for the man upstairs to push the dead button.

Or you can grab every damn moment.

But what happened to courting? I mean, what is it with your generation?

You don't know me.

You know of me. You may have heard that I'm a little eccentric, a little crazy.

I like to have a good time. Yes, I like to have a good time.

But I'll let you know something.

I'm sick and tired of listening to the sound of my own voice.

My wife, she's gone.

I never figured out how to connect with my kid.

And so when I meet a woman like your mother, a straight shooter, full of

I'm not going to walk away from it so fast.

So what are your intentions?

Jack, to tell you the truth, we don't even know.

But even if it ends right now, it's okay.

It's because we brought a little something extra into each other's lives.

I heard once again that I still got it.

And your mother, she copped a terrycloth robe from the hotel.

Jack, either Fidel Castro has moved into your building or something is on fire.

What is that smell?

Dante, what are you doing here?

I was about to ask the same thing.

What the hell's going on here?

Nothing. I swear she was just using the shower.

You take a bus across town to wash your hair?

No, I was here all night. All night?

Are you giving me a hard time? It's not the same thing. Why isn't it?

What am I, 16? Come on, I spent the night, okay?

But nothing happened. Absolutely nothing happened.

Why, it's not good enough for you?

What is with you, Dante? I'm a grown woman, okay? I think the chances are

good. You must realize that I have had sex before.

But not with me. Never with me.

Look at you.

You're really upset.

Why shouldn't I be?

I come in here minding my own business and I find you half naked.

I mean, sure I'm upset.

I'm your father. That's what fathers do.

Not mine.

Bull!

How long have you been in your present job? Twelve years.

Own or rent? Rent.

Stocks or bonds? Mutual funds, growth and income. I'm very conservative by

nature.

You heard her.

I'll keep.

I believe that.

Here we go. Breakfast is ready.

Oh.

Oh.

Mom,

it is not what you think.

It isn't?

Jack, you are a constant disappointment to me.

Come on.

Let's go.

Where are we going?

Out to get some air.

That better be all you're doing, or you're going to have to answer to me.

This is my mother you have here.

That's my daughter.

Thanks for the cigar.

There's a lot more where that came from.

Bye, Dad.

How did that happen?

I don't know, but they managed to find each other.

Yeah, they sure did.

They really got a spark between them. And it looks like they haven't wasted

time doing something about it.

The air's all wet. It looks good.

Really?

Yeah.

Boy, there's nothing sexier than a woman in a man's bathrobe.

Unless it's a man in a turtleneck that he bought to impress someone's father

and then slept in all night.

Tina, maybe it's time we finally... I forgot to tell you I bought a pound

It's on the counter if you kids want any.

I'm going to take a shower.

Stop

moving.

Keep your chin up. Chin up.

Oh, you're going to love this.

Don't make me look puffy.