Original subtitles

Off in the distance, the music's swooned, such a sleepy

little melody, I sing to the moon.

The sky is gloomy, where have you gone?

I just can't see the shine of the moon, till you come back to me.

Until then I sing, I sing to the moon.

My God, I can't believe what a run we're having on oysters tonight. Must be the

full moon. Love is in the air.

Well, there'll be no nookie for Nadine tomorrow.

There's been a lockdown at Charles' prison, and they've canceled my conjugal

visit. Sweet Nadine, sex in prison, I can't imagine that it's as romantic as

sounds.

Sure, make fun.

But let me tell you, it is really exciting being in that conjugal cell on

hard metal cot, knowing that at any minute the guard could just walk right

And then he does.

It would be really nice if just once he wouldn't yell, your six minutes are up.

Pretty thrilling, just the same.

My most exciting sexual experience was in a speedboat.

I'll never forget it. We kept going back and forth across the international date

line.

We had a fantastic four -day weekend in about an hour.

I don't think this is table talk.

All right, don't be such a prude. Most unusual place for me had to be the

hospital. The linebacker I was dating who was in for knee surgery, he was

already in bed, so I just pulled the privacy curtain and buzzed for the

That way I was guaranteed no one would come in for at least an hour.

What about you, Ray?

Excuse me, but may I just point out they're a ladies' president.

Yeah, we're the ones who want to know.

I've been touring the Midwest in a groundbreaking production of 12 Angry

Just 12.

Let me tell you, it was great. It's a post -feminist, very sexy adaptation of

Angry Men. Me as the judge.

Oh, man, I miss Michael Crawford and Phantom and now this.

Let me tell you, it's a big responsibility being the only man in an

cast. You become their father figure, their big brother.

And then sometimes, because an actor's life on the road knows no rules, no

boundaries, in a moment of reckless abandon, you may become their lover.

Come on, huh?

Hey, you try being sequestered in a jury room for two months with 12 beautiful

women and see if you don't raise your gavel a couple of times.

All right, you know, that's enough. I can't believe you people.

Everybody around here is way too obsessed with sex in this society.

I mean, can't you think of anything else to talk about? Like what?

Just forget it.

I wonder what's bothering Ray.

I'm going to go see what's going on.

All right, what's the deal? You can tell me now or you can endure the inevitable

pain of me wringing it out of you.

Your choice.

Nothing's wrong.

It just bothers me that everyone around here is preoccupied with sex.

It's not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Ray, where in God's name did you get an idea like that?

Of course sex is important, and Ray, I hate to point this out, but people who

talk like you usually aren't getting lucky at the moment. Is that your

Ray?

I don't care to discuss my personal life, Mary Margaret.

I think you're hiding something, Ray, and I think you want to talk about it.

Now, you know you do. Come on.

God, I wish you didn't know me so well.

All right, if I tell you, do you swear you won't tell anybody else?

Ray, I think you know that Mary Margaret Tynan can be trusted with confidential

information to the grave.

It's like this.

How do I put it?

I haven't been with a woman.

Oh, it's been a while. So what? I mean, I haven't exactly been having a winning

streak myself lately.

You don't understand.

What, Ray?

Oh.

God.

You're gay.

But you never said anything. No, no, no, no. I'm not gay, Mary Margaret.

I've just never done it, okay?

You're a virgin?

No.

Girls are virgins, guys.

I've just never done it.

I can see you're shocked. I never should have said anything. Oh, no, Ray, don't

be ridiculous. So you're a virgin. That's nothing. No big deal. I mean, is

all? That's why you were upset? Because it's very common.

Very, very common. Happens all the time. What are you, 30 now?

Unusual at all. Besides, plenty of people don't have sex. Like, uh,

Okay, bad example. I mean, they used to not have sex. I'm sure some of them

still don't, but, right? All right, all right.

Look, it's not like I haven't had the opportunity.

It's just that, for me, I decided that sex was something I was going to wait

for.

Something to share with a woman I love when I find her.

Of course, now I have found her.

Someday, Dana and I, we'll be together.

Oh, jeez, Jack's looking over here.

You've got to promise me you won't say anything.

Promise. Hey,

how about E12, Little Peggy March?

Whatever happened to her? She used to be so popular, and then poof.

Maybe not little anymore.

Okay, what's going on here?

Nothing much at all. In fact, I've got to... I've got to go pick up those pies.

The pies!

That could have been a disaster.

Ray.

What is going on here, Meg?

Nothing. He's fine. Nothing more to discuss?

That's a dead giveaway when you say there's nothing more to discuss.

I know I've hit the mother load.

Jack, just forget it, okay? There's nothing to worry about.

Meg, you're tearing up a $20 bill. It means nothing.

This is something big. Ray has a problem.

Yes. And that's all I can say, I promise.

Did you help him with his problem?

I don't think so.

Would I be able to help him with his problem?

That depends how good a friend you are.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Yes, probably.

Well, Meg, don't you think you owe it to Ray to tell me what his problem is so I

can find a way to help him solve it?

Guess so.

Oh, God, Jack.

You have to promise never, ever to reveal this thing that I may or may not

tell you. Come on. You know me. They couldn't torture it out of me.

Okay, but I mean it, Jack. Come on. Now you're insulting me.

Raise a virgin.

For God's sakes, Meg, what the hell did you tell me something like that for?

Did you blab it yet?

No, I didn't blab it.

But I was thinking about Ray all night, and I feel for the guy, and I want to do

something to help him.

Like what? Get him a grant from the Packwood Foundation?

Look, I'm serious. There's a lot to be said for the choice that Ray made.

I mean, we're so used to people throwing it away without thinking.

I just want him to know that it's all right to be a guy who's equipped with a

stolen original box.

Jack, if you say anything like that, he'll know I told you. He'll never trust

again. That'll be it.

friendship. Now, I'm going to the John.

When I come back, we're going to pretend this whole thing never happened.

Agreed?

Okay, okay.

What was that all about?

It was nothing.

Something's bothering you, man.

Now, I don't want to hear about it.

Oh, Phil, my role as a bartender is to let you get it off your chest. God, I

hate this job.

All right, look, Abe, let me give you this hypothetical situation.

Let's just say you knew this guy. He was about 30 years old. Yeah?

Perfectly straight.

A manly occupation, but he hadn't been with a woman yet.

You mean rape?

Oh, my God, who told you, Meg? No, I guessed.

It wasn't that hard.

For God's sakes, Abe.

When Meg comes back in, don't say anything. She's going to think I told

life as we know it will be over.

Oh, hi, Meg. How are you today?

You told him, didn't you?

He guessed.

Oh, please.

How do you guess something like that? What are we doing? Sitting around

about the weather and you say, well, I'm guessing it's going to rain tomorrow.

And he'd say, well, I'm guessing rain's a virgin.

Come on, get real here. This is Nadine Berkus you are dealing with.

Around the beauty parlor, I am known as deep throat with a blow dry.

Come on, save yourselves a lot of grief. Just give me the information.

Oh, it's no big deal. Ray's a virgin.

Hey!

Really? Oh, this is really good dirt.

Nadine, I want you to listen and listen good.

You must never, ever let that information pass your lips, especially

Ray is crazy about Dana, and if she knew his secret, it would just kill him. Do

we understand each other?

You're hurting me.

That's the idea.

Well, heads up, heads up.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey.

Here, please. Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey, look, I just want to apologize about the mood I was in yesterday. I

know what got into me.

Just let bygones be bygones. Oh, that's not nice. of you, Ray. Boy, that really

is. You are such a nice person.

You know, I've never told you what a warm and caring fellow I find you to be.

Nadine. No, no, I just think it's important for Ray to know that there are

certain qualities that some men possess that are actually more important to

women than other qualities. A pure, unsullied... Nadine!

Why don't you go grate some parmesan for the man at table four?

The man at table four is having a scotch.

Well, then that wouldn't be good.

Hey, what's going on here?

I'm sensing something.

It feels like pity.

You're all pitying me.

You can't even look me in the eye. You told them, Mary Margaret, didn't you?

I can't believe this.

My God, I hate shucking oysters.

You'd think there'd be some way to just coax them out of the shell. Maybe next

time I'll dangle a string of pearls in front of them, they'll think it's a

family reunion.

Nothing's wrong.

I'm sure you all had a great time sitting around laughing about poor old

after Mary Margaret here opened her big mouth and told everybody I'm a virgin.

What?

Oh, you don't have to pretend you don't know.

But I don't.

Although I guess I do now.

Ray, Ray, try to control yourself. Here comes Kip. If he finds out, you're going

to be the lead story on Nightline. Kip already knows.

I know something?

What do I know?

That I never slept with a woman.

How's that? You told me about that two years ago. What's the big deal?

You told Kip two years before you told me? You said I was the only one who

I can't believe this. You betrayed me.

I confided in Kip because I thought he might be able to give me some advice.

think that gets you off the hook? How come you never said anything?

Because Ray asked me not to.

Because Ray asked him not to.

Come on, come back, Ray.

Just leave me alone.

The only person in my life I can trust, who respects my privacy, who has the

class to show true loyalty is Kip here.

It's going to take me some time to get over that.

I didn't mean to wake you.

Your pajama tops don't match your bottoms.

Maybe you want to go change.

It's after 11, Nadine. What are you doing here?

Well, I just thought I'd stop by. Can I come in, Ray? You know I brought you

Bear Claws and the New People magazine.

Right. Wow.

I've never been to Staten Island before.

This is such a great place you have here, Ray. It's so uniquely furnished.

Oh! Is this a real seat from a car?

Yeah. Everything here I recycled from the city dump.

What do you want, Nadine?

Oh, Ray.

Listen, I, uh... I just wanted you to know how bad I feel about all this.

How my heart goes out to you.

And I want you to know that it makes absolutely no difference to me at all

you're a virgin.

Oh, good.

I guess I can throw that big bottle of sleeping pills down the toilet, then.

Oh, Ray, don't become bitter.

causes frown lines.

You know, if it'll make you feel any better, I'm going to let you in on a

something.

Sometimes sex really isn't all that great.

A big bag of caramel corn can be every bit as satisfying.

You don't happen to have any around, do you?

I hope this isn't a bad time. Oh, God, look, he's got Nadine in there.

Oh, Abe, for God's sake, get a clue. I came by to apologize.

I guess you might as well come in.

Wow, great place, Ray.

A lot of conversation pieces here, huh?

Women like conversation.

It's always been the tricky part for me.

As soon as I tell him my credits and do Jerry's speech to the dog from Zoo

Story, I'm just vamping until we're naked.

So, anybody want anything? Some coffee? Bear claws?

I'd love some coffee. Okay.

Cappuccino for me. Decaf.

Look, Ray, I don't know where to start exactly, except... You know, you really

mean a lot to us, and we didn't mean to hurt you.

Besides, Ray, it's really no big deal that you never let your genie out of the

bottle.

know what you're going through, man, because, see, I used to be single, no

companionship. Then I got married to Gracie again, and I remembered what I'd

been missing.

Oh, how wonderful it is.

How after we make love, I feel like I can die a happy man.

But I'm getting off the point here.

What was the point?

It doesn't matter, Abe.

You guys don't get it, do you?

I mean, you're trying to make me feel better about being inexperienced.

That's not why I'm upset.

It's my choice to wait.

You know, sometimes it's pretty difficult, but I'm handling it.

What I can't handle is that you betrayed your confidence.

Ray, we didn't mean to. You were struggling with something. We wanted to

you. I'm sorry. I'm angry, Jack, but... Especially Mary Margaret.

I thought I could trust her.

I guess I was wrong.

Can I have this?

I don't think so.

I'm here too, Ray. Come on.

It's only about ten degrees on that ferry and the bathroom wasn't working.

Hi.

Uh, hi, Ray.

You're pausing me. You know why we're here. No pausing.

I was just gathering my thoughts.

Ray.

I'm sorry I called your secret.

I'm trying to help.

I'm an idiot.

I'll do whatever you say to win your forgiveness.

I don't know if that's possible, Mary Margaret.

I told you he hates me. There's no hope. Come on, let's go. No, tell him how you

feel about him. Go on.

Ray, I know we're always joking around and, you know, I'm always yelling at you

for talking through ball games and ragging on me for my rather cynical

on things, but your friendship means everything to me.

That's nice, but, you know, accents speak louder than words.

Ray. You're not listening.

Maggie's apologizing to you.

I have nicer pajamas, Dana. I just wasn't expecting company.

All right, what do you want from me, Ray?

We gotta work this out because I can't go through the rest of my life with you

mad at me. I mean, I'm counting on wiping the shuffleboard court with you

our retirement years.

I don't know.

All right, Ray, I'll tell you what.

Just to show you how badly I feel, I'm going to let you even up the score. You

tell one of my secrets.

Pick any one of the many intimate details of my life that I have shared

over the years and spill it.

Really?

Go for broke, my friend.

You sure?

Positive.

I'm going to tell that thing you did in Atlantic City. Not that. No, right,

right.

Tell him about you and Marv Albert.

Come on, Ray. I've been publicly humiliated.

Don't you feel the least bit better?

You said that our friendship meant everything to you.

You really mean that?

What do you think?

All right, I forgive you.

I've groveled enough.

I'd hug you now, Ray, but you know I don't do that. Yeah, I know.

All right, everybody, get out of here. I got to get up in three hours.

Keep the streets of this filthy metropolis clean.

Yeah, let's take... Man, I was supposed to be home two hours ago, and I'm just

now thinking, Grace is not going to buy this Ray is a virgin story. I'm going to

have to come up with something better.

Ray, would you like me to tuck you in?

Not really.

Okay, then, can I have this?

This is a gift shop, Nadine.

Please, you have so much.

Go ahead, take it. Goodie.

Dana, you coming?

Uh, yeah, I'm just going to grab a cup of coffee. I'm freezing.

Okay, go ahead, guys. We'll catch up, all right? See you later. Good night,

See you.

Dana, do you mind if I wait for you? You know, you shouldn't be walking around

out there by yourself.

Gee, thanks. That'd be nice.

Help yourself, Dana.

Whatever's mine's yours.

You know, Ray, I just wanted to tell you, I think it's awfully sweet you're

waiting for the right girl.

And I respect you for that.

Well, thank you, Dana.

But I just want you to know that underneath all this flannel, although

virgin, there's a seething volcano of manhood and passion.

I hope.

I'm really tired. I should go to bed.

Good night. The door is locked behind you.

Thanks, Ray.

What a night.

You were great, though.

Seemed pretty hopeful there for a while.

Besides, I wasn't looking forward to Ray spilling all the embarrassing details

of our lives.

Especially a certain incident me and Amita made.

Oh, Jack.

I'm not proud of it. I was trying to beat a jaywalking rap.

I've disgusted you, haven't I? No, we all have a past.

Oh, Dana, please. No stories about you and Aldo, the lonely gondolier.

Okay, I'll spare you.

It's not good to live in the past anyway.

Kind of looking forward to the future.

Really?

Uh, yeah.

I'm not ready to go to that place yet.

Oh, I know what you mean.

Once you have sex with someone, you know, it always leads to involvement.

Yes, which causes pain, suffering.

Large, unpayable credit card bills.

Or the untimely removal of a vital organ by a supposed loved one.

Oh, but if it's right, it can really be great.

Especially if it's with someone you're really close to.

Yeah.

But it's good to wait.

You know, it kind of builds a sexual tension.

Especially if it's somebody you've been thinking about.

fantasizing about.

I mean, when it happens, whoever the lucky guy turns out to be,

I'm sure it's going to be fantastic.

Do you realize that we're sitting in the back seat of a

Cadillac?

Maybe we should just go.

Look, whichever one of you it is, I told you, I'm comfortable with the fact I'm

a virgin.

Just leave me alone, huh?

This is Mr. Kandinsky from upstairs.

I just wanted to borrow some tongues.

But listen, don't worry. What you just told me will be our little secret.

Charlie, Charlie, wait until I tell you.