Original subtitles

Hey, you don't know what's good for you. When I wrote that column, I was trying

to help kids like you. What I want to know is why aren't you in school?

Geez, Jack, what the heck happened to you? Well, there were some kids out

trying to spray paint a wall. I stood in front of it and they tagged me.

What do you expect when you write a column entitled, And the Dumb Shall

the Earth?

What I want to know is who read it to him.

I don't know. But, you know, they roam the streets wearing their baseball caps

backwards. They wouldn't know a book if it hit them in the head. I got news for

them. The Gaza Strip is not a topless joint.

The Magna Carta is not a malt liquor that you get in a 36 -ounce bottle.

And E equals MC squared is not a new rap group.

Oh, my God, Jack, you've been shot.

Could you grab a sponge and mop of your own blood today? We're a little short

-handed.

That's very cute, Dana. I'm defaced. I mean, don't you want to know what

happened? Not really.

Nadine hasn't shown up yet. Either something terribly wrong has happened or

she's found somebody selling sweater sets out of the back of their car.

Excuse me.

We've been here 15 minutes and you haven't even given us menus yet.

Look around.

Are you the only person in this restaurant?

Are you?

No.

All right, then.

Oh, I am so sorry. I am late, everyone.

Everyone,

shouldn't you be doing all your groveling in my direction?

Hi, Abe. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I was coming in from Westchester,

I stopped at a gas station to get them to check my windshield wiper fluid, and

group of mechanics looked under my hood and told me that I'd better take a seat

in their office.

Uh -oh. Oh, well, no.

Oh, it's a good thing I did, because they said it would be very dangerous for

to drive my car even another block. And then they went into the details, but I

actually couldn't focus on what they were saying. There was a heavily

no -pest strip hanging over my head.

I was facing a poster of a topless woman juggling California ruby red

grapefruits.

Anyway, anyway, I needed $740 worth of repairs, and that is what held me up.

Yeah, you were held up all right. Let me see this bill.

Oh, man, this is a work of art.

They replaced the bushings, flushed the radiator, put in new points and plugs,

installed a retractable radio antenna, and gave it a hot canoe blast.

But the only thing they didn't do was scrape it for barnacles.

Yeah, Macy, wouldn't you see a sign on the road that said gas, food, and

unnecessary repairs next thing?

Come on, how the heck was I supposed to know? They said I needed these things.

Anyway, Charles was the one who took care of the cars.

He always managed somehow to screw them.

Screwing people with his area.

Well, this is so typical. Women are always getting ripped off when it comes

cars, electronics,

repairs of any kind.

Oh, boy, here we go again.

Poor women always getting ripped off.

Ever occur to you, Dana, that perhaps women bring this on themselves?

I mean, instead of spending so much time picking out furniture for Barbie's

dream house, maybe you should have spent more time looking under the hood of

Ken's Corvette.

Oh, don't be so naive. A salesman sees a woman and automatically tries to get

away with murder. Come on, Meg, back me up here. No hard questions, okay? I had

a rough night.

I went to a karaoke bar and sang the long version of Hey Jude.

Oh, look at me. When something breaks, I throw it out and buy another one. I

don't want repair people in my house. When they finish, they always want to

the phone. Then you have to buy a new mouthpiece, and this gets expensive.

Look, women bring this on themselves.

They're not prepared, and they don't do their homework. Support me here right

now. Jack's right. You know, it helps to know the basics. That's right.

A woman goes to a car dealership or an electronics store, and they up the price

before she ever opens her mouth.

Dana doesn't have a very good point there.

That's a new shade of lipstick you're wearing, right?

It looks very lovely on you.

Look, I have actually seen women drive 10 miles to the supermarket to save 50

cents on a bad avocado.

And then, when they're charged $3 ,000 over sticker on a new car, they don't

know what hit them. Now, back me up here. Yeah, it's true. I've seen it

time and time again to my sisters.

Wait a minute, Ray. Let me get this straight. Is what you're saying that a

is no good at anything but returning rotten produce?

Is that what you're saying, Ray?

Well, no.

That would be insensitive and sexist.

Well, just wrong.

But that's what you're saying, right, Jack?

All right. I guess I'm just going to have to show you how wrong you are.

I have been dreading it, but I have to get a new stereo.

I am willing to.

Read all the consumer reports. Do all the homework, as you say. And with you

secretly observing, I will go to Crazy Ira's Sound Emporium on 10th Avenue and

attempt to get a fair deal on a stereo.

Hmm? All right, Danny, you know what? I'm going to take you up on your offer

because I sense a brilliant column in all of this.

Finally, I can put to rest the myth that women get worse service than men.

And I know what I think I'm going to call it.

women who pay too much and the men they blame it on.

Better be careful, Jack, or someday you're going to find yourself out in a

with a flashlight looking desperately for you -know -what.

I'm going to start to browse.

Just watch how long it takes them to notice me. You don't mind if I make a

notes in my column, do you? I want to document the downfall of Dana Palladino

accurately. This is kind of like being there when Hindenburg went down. I feel

certain historical responsibility to get this right.

Can we help you find what you're looking for, sir?

What? Uh, no, I'm just browsing. You know, give a man a moment to browse.

Of course, sir.

This is a great system.

Yeah.

I never saw anything quite like this one before.

Yeah.

Are you sure you don't need any help, sir?

No, I'm just browsing. Look, I never buy. Never, never, never.

This lady was here before me, all right?

She doesn't want service.

Did I say that?

No, but you didn't ask for any help.

Isn't that your job?

Can I help you?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you can.

And are you going to be buying today or just checking the inventory until you

can consult with your husband?

Well, actually, I'll be buying today.

And I... I won't be consulting with my husband. He's tied up in the basement. I

never let him loose unless I need a hot meal or the house cleaned.

What I would like is a stereo.

Would you like to work with me on that?

All right.

How much do you want to spend?

All right. Well, the good news is that I will be spending more than $200. The

bad news is that I will want some value for my money.

Well, what music do you listen to?

Michael Bolton?

Kenny G?

You need the right stereo for your kind of music.

If that was the kind of music I listened to, I would have called my dentist and

asked him what kind of system he had.

I would like a stereo that's good for any music.

Let me show you what we have.

This is our sound code system.

Top of the line for a rock -bottom price.

You'll be very, very happy with it. And don't tell anyone I said this, but I can

work with you on the price.

Look at that. It's got an on -off switch and a dial for the treble and bass.

Look, Kevin, I read all about this in Audio Monthly. It was number one on

Don't be a schmuck, Liz.

The guy who wrote that article was sued by us, as a matter of fact. He didn't

know what he was talking about.

I happen to know that this particular Soundco piece of crap was manufactured

India. A lovely country, but not one well -known for its stereo components.

And you are not going to palm this off on this particular female customer

And this is what I had in mind.

A CD component with direct track access and separate analog and digital sections

and an integrated amp and a variable -based synthesizer, Dolby Logic, 8 ohms

with 1 ,000 hertz.

What are you trying to do, bring someone back to life?

I'd like a record player.

I still like to play records.

Okay.

Here's our top -of -the -line system.

Oh.

I can let you have it for close to cost.

Dana. Dana.

Breakdown, huh, Dana?

It's a little basic.

Maybe if you adjust the thing.

Oh, this is the Kenton system. Oh.

Oh, this is incredibly expensive.

If I was going to spend that much money, Wyatt, I'd have to have a whole

performance report and an acoustical analysis.

Oh, please. They do those in labs.

What, are they making stereos for rats?

You have to hear this in your home to appreciate the true ambience.

Oh, I'm being paged. Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Hey, Dana.

You know, they have those picture phones on sale here.

It's a perfect gift for today's busy pervert.

He can save precious time by making an obscene phone call and exposing himself

in one easy step.

Please go away. I don't want the salesman to see you with me.

He sees me with a man, he'll just want to talk to you and treat me like I'm

kind of annoying fruit fly or worse, your wife.

But I do think that I have proved my point about there being a double

in the man's world. What, are you kidding? You haven't proven anything

Oh, come on. He hardly... he wanted to wait on me. My God, Dana, you were

walking around here talking to yourself and coughing like you're on a day pass

from Bellevue.

I did all my homework and he still tried to scam me. All right, clearly you gave

yourself away. I mean, what did you do? Stay up all night and memorize Audio

Age? And then you said, oh, I want a record player.

Oh, my God. They're called turntables in this decade.

And talk about hostile. You couldn't have been any more terrifying unless you

walked in here dressed as a postal worker carrying a violin case.

Where is that damn sailman? Would he please take a walk? I don't want him to

you. He's going to be back any minute. Go. You know what? You're on your own.

What can I show you today?

Nothing, thanks. I'm just waiting for a friend.

Making notes.

That's a good idea.

My name is...

Rob, I'd like to work with you.

I think we can put together a system that'll make you feel good about

Uh, Rob, well, let me save you some time, okay? You're way out of your

here. There's no way you're gonna get me to buy today.

We've got some great inventory.

Rob, let me ask you something.

Do you know who Magellan is?

Uh, the backup drummer with Pearl Jam?

No. Uh,

you ever wear your baseball cap backwards?

You mean with the bill in front?

All right, look, Rob, I can see you're a trainee. Please don't try any of your

sales tricks on me. There's no way that I'm spending today.

The system you're looking at is fully equipped for an intelligent,

guy who accepts only excellence in every aspect of his life.

Solzhenitsyn. Do you recognize that name?

Excellent cold medicine.

Just let me show you some of the options.

It's the CD changer.

That auto -memory.

What is that? It memorizes the last five discs you played.

Why? So you know what you just heard.

Look, there's a guy over there who looks gullible. Why don't you go bother him?

Gullible meaning one who's well -traveled, right?

Okay, now hurry along.

Okay. If another salesman comes by, you're working with Rob.

Rob.

Rob.

Dave,

what is going on?

I mean, how long can I stand in front of a wall of televisions watching Hoss and

Hop sing, trying to clear little Joe of a murder charge?

I don't even know where the stupid salesman is. I think maybe he's not even

coming back. Wouldn't that be perfect? Just perfect if he just, like, abandoned

me. Now, why would he do that? You already said you were going to buy.

Because I'm a woman, Jack.

Oh, it's getting very tired, Dana.

May I help you, sir?

Look, I'm working with Rob, all right? But this lady was being waited on by...

Kevin. Kevin. And Kevin never came back. Yeah, what happened to him? You got

some quicksand or an open trench back there in that stockroom or something?

Kevin left.

What? He left?

Yeah.

Emergency at home.

No. He's on vacation.

I don't understand.

He's on his way to the Grand Canyon.

Classic, Jack. Admit it.

I was right. You were wrong.

I'm not admitting anything.

You simply don't know what you're doing.

What's the last piece of technology you bought? A cotton gin?

All right, let's just take this little experiment one step further.

You buy the damn stereo for me, huh?

Let's just watch how they roll out the red carpet for you.

All right, I'll buy the stereo for you, just to show you the proper way it's

done.

Jack, look, excuse me. I've changed my mind. I would like some service after

all.

Sorry, I'm with a customer.

Okay. But allow me to send the manager right over.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, the manager.

No, look, it means nothing. They're obviously understaffed. Well, of course

are. One of their salesmen is on a raft in the middle of the Colorado River.

I'm going to enjoy this. In some sick, perverse way, I'm going to enjoy

watching.

Hello.

I understand someone out here needs help. Would that be you?

Are you the manager?

Yes, I am. I'm Angela Carlisle. Welcome to Crazy Iris.

Well, look at that.

The manager's a woman. Great. Never mind, Jack. I'll take it from here.

I'd like to buy a stereo.

I see.

And what type of system are you in the market for, sir?

Well, you know, something high -end, but I want value for my money. Yes, that's

right. My husband and I want to buy one of these thingamajigs, but don't try to

explain anything to me.

He makes all decisions anyway. He's the boss.

Well, it would be my pleasure to assist you, but first, may I offer you some

coffee? No, thanks.

Cappuccino, please. No, no, really, I'm fine. Now, he's full. I gave him a

breakfast in bed this morning, just like I always do, and he doesn't need

anything, right, honey?

Oh, that's right, dear.

And listen, don't try to explain these stereo things to me at all, because, you

know, it'll just go in one ear and right out the other.

I don't need anything, you know, but something to play my sweat into the

on. You know, something I can bounce near and it won't skip.

All right, Dana.

Uh -oh.

Let me shut up.

Let me just ask you a couple of questions, get an idea of the ballpark

playing in here. Look, just show us your best system, we'll go from there.

Okay, well, first off, but I'm just going to mention, although I know a

buff like yourself might find this a bit simple, but our sound code system,

handcrafted in India, is an excellent value.

Well, we're not interested in anything that doesn't have at least five

you know, short path execution, separate analog, and digital regulation. I mean,

this is a piece of crap.

Exactly. And I knew you would know that. I mean, the directions are in Hindi.

To be perfectly honest with you, we always show our customers this system as

way of gauging their level of sophistication. If they respond

we know we're dealing with someone on a whole other plane.

Well, as long as we understand each other. Well, you know, we're a

Most of the people who come here are always looking for something. Well, you

know, when I have a chance to work with someone who's a serious audiophile,

well, then I get to have some fun, too.

You hear that? We need to train professionals. We know exactly who

dealing with.

Come on.

Let me show you our Kenton system.

We're going to see the Kenton system.

Come along, Dumpling.

No, no, no. That system's way too elaborate. I don't need that. Dana, this

the Kenton system. I know what I'm doing. You want a good deal or not, all

right? Mr., uh... Stein. Mr. Stein.

I want to show you something.

This is the remote control.

It will fulfill all your remote control needs.

Oh, my God. May I? Please.

Pretty impressive, huh?

Now, take a look at this CD player. When you put it on random play, it

practically senses what you're in the mood for.

Dana, did you hear that?

We don't need it.

This remote control, it is so big.

I mean, you could change the orbit of the Earth with this baby, huh?

There's something else I should show you. I think it's kind of fun, but here.

Take a look at this.

Wow. What is it? The remote control holster.

Made in America.

You know, I let myself get cynical about this nation's brain thrusts, but we've

still got it.

This is... Really? Well, go ahead. Turn it on. That is if you have the time. I

don't want to rush you into anything.

Yes, Jack, that's right. Perhaps we should shop around. I always think

the best idea. I mean, the Kenton system is hardly an impulse item. No, there's

no point in shopping around. Not if you know what you want.

Look at that cloud, huh?

Dear, but we really don't need this.

Oh, well, I think we do.

And if you don't want it, maybe I'll get it for myself.

Mr. Stein, are you sure you don't want to take a day to think about this? I

mean, the system will be here when you come back.

Although it is our last one.

But what are the odds of somebody coming in and buying it today, huh?

Oh, well, that does happen.

But not very often.

No. I'm a practical guy. I know exactly what I want. I am ready to make a deal.

But, Mrs. Carlisle, you better sharpen that pencil there because I am not going

to be paying a lift price.

Uh -oh, I got a businessman on my hands here.

God, Kyra's going to go crazy when he hears about this. But, okay.

I'll give it to you for 15 % off. 20.

I have a feeling you're not going to budge on that, are you? Nope.

I want the whole stuff for free.

All I can say is...

I wish he were my husband.

He could be. What would you give me for him?

I'd just put crazy hour in a straight jacket.

I'll be right back.

Oh, cupcake.

Yes, my honeydew.

Have your lawyer call my lawyer tomorrow. I want a divorce.

Why? Because I won the bet?

You won... I won the bet. Are you kidding? I couldn't even get service.

but take off her shoes and walk on your back.

Look, Dana, I have clearly won the bet.

I have gotten excellent service, plus I made a great deal on top of it, but to

show you there are no hard feelings.

You're invited over to my place for the listening experience of your life

anytime you want.

And maybe I'll let you wear the holster.

All right, don't rub it in.

I think I'll just go home and listen to my refrigerator hum.

All right, I'll see you later.

Man, I'd love to watch Mrs.

Carlisle in action. The kitten system has been there for months.

You know, Ira told me that tomorrow he was going to slash 40 % off a thing just

to get rid of it. Oh, yeah, Mrs. Carlisle can sell anything to anybody.

But, you know, she once told me she always has to work a little bit harder

everyone else in the store. Why?

Because she's a woman.

She's still the best.

You know, I bet she wins a trip to the Grand Canyon this month.