Original subtitles

Please be the mouth off on any topic I want.

So if you don't like it, you can read a different newspaper.

Did you see that?

All right, all right, everybody. Just calm down.

Put your weapons away.

Pick up your forks.

Enjoy your dinner.

I'm going to try for the bar. Somebody cover me.

This is unbelievable.

This is exactly what my column was about.

Half the country's packing heat, crime in the streets is out of control, and

liberals are still trying to figure out ways to make the prisons more like

holiday inns.

You don't know what you're talking about.

My husband is in the big house, and let me tell you, it is no picnic being

locked in a tiny cell with a man who really does know where all the bodies

buried.

A guy sent me a large jar of preserves last Christmas labeled Howard.

I wasn't sure if I got someone else's or if this indeed was Howard.

I don't know about anybody else, but life in the big city has really been

getting to me lately.

Yesterday, somebody stole my garbage truck.

I mean, what are they going to do with it? Drive around and illegally pick up

garbage?

Well, I'm taking a break from it all. Tomorrow, I'm going to do something old

-fashioned and corny and romantic.

I'm going to the top of the Empire State Building.

Really?

That's one of my favorite places. I must have been up to that observation deck

20 or 30 times. What about you? This is my maiden voyage.

Are you kidding me? You've never been to the top of the Empire State Building?

You know, I've never been there either. Why? I was supposed to go on third

grade, but my father forgot to sign a permission slip. I had to stay behind

a school janitor and play floor hockey with a urinal case.

You know, I tried to go once. I took the kid, but we got as far as the entrance,

and it was being blocked by a street performer covered by a sheet with a

wedged in his skull.

We went to Radio City instead.

Well, it sounds to me like we could all use a little bit of the old building's

magic, huh?

So who's going to come with me? All right, count me in.

Ray! Hey, how about you? Oh, no, no, thank you.

Nobody's getting me up 102 stories.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been afraid of heights.

Abe, everybody's got to overcome their childhood fears. I mean, if not, I'd

still be sleeping with a nightlight and Ray'd still be carrying around an extra

pair of underwear.

I told you that in confidence.

Abe has a problem. Don't be so selfish.

Come on, Abe.

Say you'll come with us.

They say that the Empire State Building makes everybody fall in love all over

again.

Well, I don't know.

My heart's so full of love, I don't think there's room for any more.

Yeah!

getting to be a pretty good crowd, so I think we should try very hard not to get

separated. Maybe I'm being overly cautious, but I did once misplace a

troop. And believe me, that is a mistake you are only allowed to make once.

After that.

After that, I never had any real power in that troop again.

Where's Nick?

Will you stop following me, please? Will you just stop following me? I already

gave you something, buddy. 37 cents.

You can't get generic cola for 37 cents.

I already gave you all the change I had. All right. All right. Look.

Here's a buck. Are you happy now?

For $1 .37, I'm supposed to kiss the hem of your garment?

Oh, yeah. I just love being out with the public.

Maybe later we can all go to a movie, and if we're lucky, sit and gum and

a 14 -year -old couple conceive a child two rows in front of us. All right,

we're all together now. Let's get ready to get on that elevator. And if anyone

has to go...

She probably tried to call me, but I needed some me time.

But now it's you time.

All the way to the top.

What the hell

is this all about? I'm sorry about the distraction here, Jack.

I'm appearing in a film over there. I play Uber Lieutenant Schmidt, head of

German Ski Patrol who won covers of Plot to Melt the Polar Ice Captain.

Why did they want to do that?

I don't know. I only read my part.

Thank you. I'll see you in the movies. I love you all very much.

Ich bin ein Berliner!

All right, everybody, stay close.

All right.

All righty. Speaking of elevators, it says here, Dana, that there's 73 in all,

and they operate in seven miles of elevator shafts at a top speed of 1 ,400

per minute. That's it. I'm out of here.

It's ridiculous. Don't you want to tell people you went to the top of the Empire

State Building? I can tell them that anyway. Come on, back in there. No,

no room in here. Oh, don't be silly. I'll get off. I'll take the next one.

just stay here with you.

Dana, come on, please.

Well, I guess that's enough for me now. This room, really.

Hold it.

in the pit of my stomach, that feeling of speed.

Everybody always stands like this.

I'm going to stand like this.

And I think I'll just walk around.

Just walk around anywhere I want on my way to the top of the world.

You know, in New York, this would be a very nice size apartment. You put the

couch over here and the TV right over here. No TV.

I don't know why we're slowing down. We're only at the 80th floor.

Well, we're going to stop here and then transfer to another set of elevators

that will take us to the top. Oh.

Stick with me, kid. I know the ropes around here.

The doors aren't opening.

Why aren't the doors opening?

Why are you pressing the button? I just pressed the button. You think you're

pressing...

You don't know how to push buttons, all right? You got to push them so they know

who's boss.

We got to get on another set of elevators. Forget it. This is how I'm

Hey, guys.

It's Jack and Dana. Can you hear us? These doors aren't opening. The door

open. I just said that.

Push the button. Of course I push the button.

I mean, things like this just don't happen in the Empire State Building.

Oh. Whoa.

Whoa.

Why are we going down?

74, 73, 72.

Well, it's an express. I think we're just going back to the lobby.

All right, fine. Then we'll just stop on 70.

No, the lobby will be fine.

Oh.

What the hell was that?

We've stopped.

I think we're between floors.

I'm pressing this emergency button.

Ah. Oh, that's good, Jack. That's good. Oh, yes. It ignited the booster rockets.

Now, very shortly, we're going to be linking up with the Russian elevator.

Where's the emergency phone?

Hello?

Yeah, can I help you? Yeah, we're in a runaway elevator here.

What cab?

Right side, above the elevator numbers.

Oh, 42. We're in cab number 42.

77, 72.

You get an idea of what we're up against here?

You're not stuck?

Then you don't have a problem.

Hey, you're on floor 80, right?

Have the doors opened?

No, they haven't.

is going to create an independent weather system in here.

I can't help it.

I'm nervous.

We've been in it 20 minutes. When are they going to let us out?

They're working on it, all right?

And you know something? In situations like this, keep a cool head because

panicking doesn't help anything.

I'm not panicking.

Now I'm panicking. You're not going to believe what I said. You know what I

said? There is...

Little chance of the elevator running out of air or dropping uncontrollably.

There, you see? There's nothing to be afraid of.

Jack, it says little chance, not no chance.

That means that it is within the realm of possibility and that the guy who

this thing thought to himself, well, no, I can't say no chance because that

would be a lie.

I'll say little chance.

That's right. That way you'll give the people a false sense of security.

so cover my butt in case we have to wipe them up off the ground floor with a

squeegee.

You're not going to like hearing this, but you're acting like a woman.

That's right, Jack.

That's right, I am.

I am having an honest and realistic reaction to danger.

Unlike yourself, who's sitting there like you're waiting for your pot pie to

come back out of the microwave.

Can you sit down, please?

Because you're sucking all the air. you out of the cab.

You know, just relax.

Be like me.

Be patient.

Okay?

I can't believe this.

Cracked in an elevator.

What a horrible cliche.

Hello, cab 42. Can you hear me in there?

See? Now we're getting somewhere.

And let me add data.

Cool heads prevail.

Break it, break it. This is cab 40.

Come back.

What are you, driving a big rig on the interstate? Just say hello.

All right, come on, come on. What is going on out there?

All right, look, just stand away from the doors. The engineers are going to

to open them now. All right, here we go. Well, isn't it about time?

We're getting out of here.

All right.

Oh, no!

This is unbelievable.

Jack,

you're looking a little thin on top.

Don't worry, dear. The workers here are trying very hard to get you out of this

mess.

How about you, Mr. Bread and Water?

How's the building cooped up in a tiny cell?

And you have a girl with you. Not somebody named Moose, who signed up for

and crafts class so he could make you a friendship bracelet made out of human

hair.

Nadine, Nadine, would you do something for me?

Run out to a deli and get us something to eat, okay? I got nothing in my purse

except some gum and what appears to be...

Skin grafting kit.

Jack, what do you want? Nothing for me. I can hold out. It won't be much longer.

You better order something, man. What is that supposed to mean?

I heard a mechanic using words like new parts, it's connected -y, it's Sunday.

All right, I'll take a corned beef on rye and a cream soda.

Ray?

Flashware?

Ray, would you do something for me?

Anything for you, Dana.

Would you go out?

And find the manager of this building and bring him to me.

What are you going to do, Dana?

Are you going to hurt him?

The less you know, the better, Ray.

But find a good alibi for yourself, okay?

I think it's safer that way.

What's he the what, girl?

What are you going to do now?

Look, we're trapped in an elevator, Kip. Our options are limited.

And since you two still have all of your clothes on, it's obvious that you don't

know what to do with yourselves.

But I have an idea to help you pass the time away.

I'll be right back.

Is there anything I can do for you, Jack?

Yes. See if the paper will fax over my obituary.

What?

What do you want that for?

No reason, not at all.

It's just that every one of note has one on file, and I've always wondered what

mine said.

Come on, Jack, you know they don't release those.

Well, tell them I'm about to die in a freak elevator accident.

I mean, we're really not going to die, but they don't know that.

Come on, I just want to see it, all right? Meg, I mean, how often do I ask

for something?

I paid your rent for six months in 87.

I gave you blood, and that time I lost the bet, I showed you my breasts.

You only showed me one.

You can't extrapolate?

Meg, please, would you go?

I don't like it one bit.

An obituary.

It's dark, Jack. Very dark.

I don't want it in here.

Dana, calm down.

Now, I worked on an auto assembly line in Detroit for years, and I know how

these things are put together.

With good old American know -how. So there's nothing to worry about.

But I guess there's always something to worry about.

Death be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful, for

art not so.

Oh, God.

For those whom thou thinkest thou dost overthrow, die not, poor death, nor yet

canst thou kill me.

All right, clear a path, coming through, step aside, official business. Hey,

Jack. I got your obit.

Great, Meg.

Here.

Jack Stein.

Born Flatbush, Brooklyn on July 12, 1951. B .A. from City College.

Worked on the register as city reporter and as columnist.

Meg? What?

Go ahead.

That's it.

What do you mean that's it? They can't be it. Give me.

Dana. Dana.

I've got good news.

I found the manager of the building.

You're not going to believe this.

It's Leona Helmsley.

You're kidding.

I tried to get her to come down here, but the halfway house she's at said it

past her curfew.

Did you tell her what was going on down here? Oh, yeah. She feels terrible. But

she says she wants to make it up to you by giving you a special weekend raid at

the Helmsley Palace.

Excluding Christmas and Easter and subject to availability.

I'm sorry. I took so long. There was a huge line in front of me, and I told

them, I am taking food to two people trapped in the Empire State Building in

elevator. They are starving. There is precious little air. They have only

moments to live. Well, there are a whole bunch of chubbies in front of me, and

they just laughed and told me to take a number. Oh, all right, all right. I got

you a chicken salad sandwich. I thought you'd like that. And, Jack, you know

something? That corned beef looks a little fatty, so I got you something

They didn't have those half -tower pickles you really like, so I thought

work it. I like it.

Oh, oh!

And we promise to stay in touch, you know, like people always say that they

will, and then they never do.

Dana, could you think to yourself, please?

I'm trying to write my obituary here.

God, this is hard.

How do I sum up my life in a couple of paragraphs?

Okay.

Jack's son.

He was born. He went to school.

He wrote for newspapers.

He died in an elevator crash and was buried in a collapsible cup.

I've done nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Now, Jack, that is not true. You have done plenty of things. Now, come on,

me that. Come on, let's think.

Now, do you have any special interests or hobbies?

Not really.

Nothing like hang gliding or mountain climbing or anything Gentiles specialize

in.

There is something.

Yeah, but it's stupid.

What?

I collect these ballpark candy wrappers since my dad took me to my first game in

1956.

Skybor.

Yanks beat the Indians 4 -3 on Mantle's ninth inning homer.

When I'm missing my dad, I just look through that collection.

That's nice.

I'm going to write that down.

God, it's hot in here.

It's been two hours.

What floor are we on again?

41st, I think.

Well, that was the strangest thing.

You know what just popped into my head?

The fact that I never had the nerve to go off the high diving board in grade

school.

You? You're kidding me.

I picture you doing a half gainer in a party dress off that thing.

Mm -mm.

No, I was...

It's funny, you know, the things that you're afraid of.

Diving board, walking into a dark room.

Relationships. Tell me about it.

I've always had one foot out the door, one bag packed.

And then, you know, someday somebody's writing the obituary and they get to the

part where it says she is survived by.

No list.

No husband, no kids.

No grandkids.

Nothing.

Do you want that?

Sometimes, when I think of my friend Sarah, I...

What if we never get out of here?

What if we do die in here?

Why, Jack Stein, are you admitting you're afraid?

No, I'm just asking a question, that's all.

Okay, I'm a little scared, all right?

It's all right.

It's refreshing.

Nice to see men expressing their true feelings.

Oh, really?

Well, there is something I've been harboring for a long time.

I hate my cabs.

You really are something.

I've never known anybody quite like you.

Like good or bad.

Well, if we're telling the truth today,

Good.

Really?

So what does that mean? You have some feelings for me?

I don't know. You have feelings for me?

I'm not sure.

Do you ever think about me when I'm not around?

Yeah.

I do, actually.

You ever think about me?

Sometimes I picture the way your eyes crinkle up and you smile.

The other day I was thinking about that place in the back of your neck where

your hair curls around.

This is crazy.

Oh, yeah.

I'm looking right at the end of that diving board.

I mean, it never happened.

It was wartime morality.

I felt nothing. I felt nothing.

We never mentioned it again. Mention what again?

This was a good idea.

I needed the exercise. No way of getting back to another one of those elevators.

Okay. The lobby.

Thank God.

It's locked.