Original subtitles

I saw my mom on your page. Oh, no, no.

This part is saved.

Saved.

Oh, folks. Ah, ocupado.

Saved. Sorry.

Lo siento.

Okay, got this whole section here. Oh, sorry.

Good morning.

Beautiful day for the parade, isn't it?

Why, yes it is, sisters.

God forgive me, but if you're thinking about standing here, you might as well

forget it.

If I had a ruler in my pocket.

Your knuckles would be burning now, mister.

Save him.

Save him.

Oh, get there. Here he is!

For God's sakes, Frank, I've been looking for you for half an hour. Where

hell have you been?

Where the hell have I been?

I've been standing here since 5 o 'clock in the morning trying to save this

spot. You have any idea what kind of people I had to deal with at that hour?

woman started screaming at me, saying I was sent by Satan to steal the lining of

her jacket.

Hello, Dana.

Oh, your cheeks are all pink. I just love them.

Well, thank you, Ray.

Good jacket.

Very plaid.

I wasn't sure if I should go with the scarf or not. It's hard to find a coat.

Hey, Calvin Klein, can we cut the fashion chatter?

You were supposed to be standing on the southeast corner on 34th Street in front

of Macy's. What, Macy's department store isn't a big enough landmark for you?

Come on, everybody.

Day Parade, and that's what matters. I mean, I think Ray deserves our thanks,

even though this side of the street doesn't get much sun, and we are two

down from the methadone center. I mean, still, I think that Ray deserves thanks

for doing his best. Come on, everybody say, thank you, Ray.

Come on, thank you. Thank you, Ray.

Oh, I hear the sound of a marching band in the distance. What do you say we all

have a nice hot cup of coffee and settle in?

The perfect companion, a dozen donuts. Thank you.

I brought a dozen donuts, too. You're not going to believe what I have in

Guess what?

All right, we're good in the donut department.

Who's got the coffee?

Oh, God save us. There's no coffee.

What the hell am I supposed to wash this down with?

I just kicked myself.

Nadine, Nadine, don't panic. Don't panic, okay? I happen to have in my

possession one piping hot thermos of soup. All right. What kind is it?

Turkey gumbo.

Dana, are you insane?

What? What is it, Jack? What completely strange, weird, neurotic thing could you

possibly have about turkey gumbo? Everybody knows you never let turkey

lips before Thanksgiving dinner. The real purists don't even touch the bird

Labor Day on, and nobody has it for breakfast on Thanksgiving morning.

Are you going with the rule book?

Me too, me too. Same here. You know what? You people have no respect for

tradition. And Ray, what are you doing?

What about we go to your parents' house and we're standing Thanksgiving dinner,

but not you, because you'll already be stuffed with turkey.

Turkey plays a very small role in the lit back Thanksgiving, Jack.

No, cabbage rolls and flourless beet cake are the order of the day.

What about mashed potatoes? We'll have those, won't we?

No, we don't have anything like that.

Grandma does make her special kielbasa loaves.

What's in that?

Well, Granny won't tell.

It's probably best that way.

But I tell you, it'll be a meal that'll stay with you for a long time.

Well, I can pick it up today or I can pick it up tomorrow.

Meg, help me. Is there room at your table for a nice Jewish boy who hasn't

properly conditioned his gastrointestinal tract for an all

Forget it, Jack. It hates it. Or my sister, Colleen. She and her husband

the kind of relationship that simmers all year and then erupts at the

It was just last Thanksgiving that her husband's primary mistress showed up to

confront him about some secondary mistress.

And since you didn't share a room with Colleen for 15 years, you probably

wouldn't enjoy seeing her as much pain as I do.

Indeed. Oh, well, you're welcome to come with me, have Thanksgiving dinner with

Charles in prison.

There's plenty of room at the table. We always have me and Charles, and Stan,

the arsonist, and his wife, and Fat Tony and his wife, Rod.

A lot of my friends who are chefs and I always get together and have a big,

highly competitive gourmet Thanksgiving cook -off. I could stir something.

I doubt it.

Oh, jeez.

I think I see Abe.

I thought he was flying to Detroit to see his mother for Thanksgiving.

Hey! Hey!

What are you doing here? Did you miss your plane? No, no, no. I was on the

plane, but they overbooked and offered $500 and a free round -trip ticket for

anybody who wanted to get off.

So I called my mom. I said, you want to see me for Thanksgiving, or you want to

spit the cash? She took the money? You better believe it. She's my mom.

All right, here it comes.

All right.

It really pays off to be tall, but this year I wore a little insurance.

Platform sneakers. Oh, thank you very much. See the first one. I see the first

one. Oh, yeah.

Oh,

wow. I can't believe this is the first time I've ever seen this parade in

person. Well, you are in for a real treat, because there's nothing like

there. Up close and personal.

Oh, well, Winkle is the first balloon.

Oh, look at him.

Jack, what are you doing watching this parade on a three -inch screen when it's

right here in front of you? I like the commentary.

Casey Kasem and Donna Mills really bring it to life for me.

to be exact, and Donna tells us they're all merit scholars from Hartford,

Connecticut.

Oh, no.

I don't believe it. What?

What? No, not here. Here, here. Oh. What?

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Avast, mateys.

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.

Yo -ho -ho in a bottle of rum.

Arr.

Kid, were you dressed like this for a reason, or have you just not done

in a while?

Now, I don't normally do parades, but I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity

to play a buccaneer in front of the hometown crowd.

Yo -ho.

Harder. Oh, jeez.

Sir, do you mind if I join you?

I missed my float.

Hang out here with you until it passes by, and I'll jump on it.

That should be any minute now, right, Kip?

Oh, no, we can spend a lot of time together.

My float is next to last in the coveted position right before the big Santa

finale. Oh, the big Santa finale.

I'll be long gone by then.

You're not staying for Santa Claus. Oh, that is the highlight of the whole

parade. It's the official start of the Christmas season. No, thanks. I want to

beat the crowds.

Frankly, I don't want to give a big warm welcome to a binge eater in a red suit

who abuses animals and runs a sweatshop.

Excuse me. Huh?

My son was wondering if you wouldn't mind letting him sit on your shoulders

he could see the parade just for a few minutes. Well, ma 'am, I'd be happy to

put the lad on my shoulders. After all, I'm a lot taller.

No, that's okay.

Of course he'd be happy to hold the boy for you, wouldn't you, Jack? Well, uh...

Thank you.

Johnny, this man's gonna let you watch the parade from his shoulders, isn't

nice? Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

I don't know. She was standing right here, wasn't she? Oh, dear.

Well, I'm sure she'll be right back.

Yeah, she just wouldn't go off and leave him with total strangers.

And a pirate.

Would she?

No. Of course not. She wouldn't do that to him or to us.

Uh -uh.

No.

Do you see her yet?

No, I don't.

This is like looking for a needle in a haystack. What kind of woman leaves a

child like this?

I don't know. Maybe she went out to get him a hot dog or something and got

sidetracked. Sidetracked? You're a woman. Would you leave your child with

someone like me and then just go off and do what? Go run some errands and hope

he's here when you get back?

Well, of course not.

Then if I had a kid, I would call in all my favorites, get a great hotel room

overlooking the parade.

You see, that's how you were raised.

I'd take a kid and watch a parade from the street with all the people.

Oh, yeah, I bet you'd put them in public school, too, wouldn't you? Absolutely.

It's a great experience, they get a good education, and they get the opportunity

to be beaten up by children from many different backgrounds.

My kids getting their education through travel. No way, there's no traveling.

How's he going to make friends if he's on the move all the time? Oh, he's

traveling. No, he's not. Yes, he is. Over my dead body.

The hell are we arguing about?

Look, no sign of the mother. No. Do you know how many tall brunettes are roaming

the streets today?

Ray, tall? No, no. She's an average -sized brunette. You're both wrong.

blonde with a brown coat and an overbite.

No, no. Brown hair, blue coat. She gave me the kid. I know it.

I mean,

it's obvious that nobody remembers what the mother looked like.

And we know nothing about this child.

Oh, this makes me so sad.

I bet he was abandoned.

The mother probably just got tired of coping.

Trying to make ends meet.

Stuck in a loveless marriage.

Sex, nothing but a dim, receiving memory.

Um, well, that's my take on it.

I think it's time we got some information out of him. Last name, phone

address. Work him over till he talks. I may not be the right one to do this. All

right, I am. I'm a mom. I can handle this. Remember, we can't let him know

there's any problem.

Excuse me. All right, excuse me.

Hey!

Hello, dear. How are things going for you today?

Good. I like it.

He's nice. Hey, don't let that get around, kid.

Abe, would you put him down right here, please? We want to talk to Johnny. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's see.

Here we go.

Okay. So, Johnny, my name is Nadine, remember?

This is my parent, Pete.

Say hi to Pete. Yes. Hi, Pete. Okay. And, Johnny, my last name is Berkus.

do you know your last name?

I'm not really Johnny. I'm Wolverine, one of the X -Men.

Oh.

Is it just Wolverine or is it Wolverine Dubinsky or something?

Okay. All right. We'll try something else.

Johnny, do you know where you live?

In the Dome of Wonders.

Wonders, yeah. One of Trump's new buildings.

Listen to me, Johnny.

What about your phone number? Do you know your phone number?

Yes, I do.

It's 555 - Yeah.

1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8.

Would you like to go to bed without any dinner at all? Nice, Mom.

Johnny,

you know, the reason why we're asking you all these questions is because we

to get to know you better.

Not because anything's wrong.

Nothing to worry about at all.

Everything's fine.

Everything's absolutely fine.

Hi, Mommy.

Maybe Johnny has to go to the little boy's room. I know Ray does.

I just went.

I guess it's time to go again.

Come on, Johnny.

Hey, and on the way, I'll explain to you how Mr. Kidney works.

You know how when Mom makes a pot of coffee, she puts the filter in first?

This is great.

Now, what are we going to tell him? Look, I tell you what we're going to do.

We're going to make up a story that will buy us some time until we can find the

kid's mother. No.

We can't do that. He's going to know we're trying to con him.

What are you, one of those progressive mothers?

Look, take it from me.

Lying and deception.

That's what good parenting is all about.

No, no, you're wrong. I always knew when my father was trying to get something

past me, and it always made me angry. Children want to be treated like adults.

Oh, you want to treat him like an adult.

You want to tell him that 36 % of everything he owns is going to go to the

federal government.

You want to tell him that the warranty always runs out the day before something

breaks.

Once he starts losing his hair, the only available treatments are both painful

and risky. You want to tell him that?

Heads up. Heads up.

Official sanitation business here. Pardon us, folks. There we go. Are you

already? What happened?

It was gone.

Somebody stole the portable toilet.

What could be the resale value of one of those?

Come here, Johnny. I want to talk to you for a minute.

Dana. I don't know what I'm doing.

Now, little Johnny, remember before you were asking about your mother?

And you want to know where she was.

Well, um... Your eyelashes are so long.

My God, they're like caterpillars.

Um, so your mother... Your mother has gone...

Your mother has gone to...

Candyland.

To get you the world's biggest piece of bubblegum from the bubblegum

king.

And she's going to be right back.

Okay? Okay.

Candyland.

It could happen.

You haven't gone for 20 minutes.

Really? We're about to send out a search party for you. Please. This wavy little

street vendor wanted 25 bucks for this thing. I told him to stick it and walk

away. So he runs after me and goes, okay, 75 cents.

I love this app, but you gotta be willing to walk away.

Wait a minute.

You're not gonna make the kid wear that, are you? We certainly are. It's

freezing. It's got earplugs.

He doesn't care.

He's a kid.

Hey, Johnny.

Look at this hat that Meg got you.

Isn't it great? Look at that.

Want to put it on?

No, thank you.

Why not?

It's stupid.

Hey, that's my little guy.

Johnny, let me give you a piece of advice.

For the rest of your life, women are going to ask you to do stuff that you

want to do. You keep practicing that one phrase, no, it's stupid.

You'll be all right, huh?

Where's my mommy?

I want my mommy.

Hey, buddy, remember that big toy store we walked by before?

Let's go see if they got anything new in the window yet, huh?

Okay. You're not going to talk about girls anymore.

That's all you ever talk about.

Okay, okay.

Getting nervous.

Hello.

The newsboy's been over an hour. That mother's not coming back.

Look, we've waited long enough. I think we should take him to the police

station. Yeah, the police. They'll fingerprint him, take his picture. I'll

to use the metal toilet. It'll be a Thanksgiving I'll never forget.

To report him missing and then one of us could take him for the night?

He seems to like you, Jack.

Me? What do I know about kids?

Look, we'll be home. We'll be there five minutes. He'll ask me where babies come

from. I'll blurt out the home shopping network. He'll be in therapy for the

20 years.

You better take care of him.

I'm no good at kids either. I mean, I don't know how to talk to them.

Jeez, taste in music and theater is so appalling.

Well,

he kind of took a shine to both of you. He asked me if you were married.

He also thinks his mother's in Candyland.

I think you should both take him. Give him a nice dinner and a safe place to

sleep. Yep. At least he'll get a holiday out of it.

Oh, yeah, that's the right thing to do.

Well, I really didn't like the way that the Litvak family get -together was

shaping up.

I found out Ray only invited me so he could fix me up with his sister, Nancy.

She just got out of the convent after 12 years and she's eager to date.

I thought it was Jeannie Cahill.

I don't know what went wrong there.

I don't know if she was waiting for me to ask her out or if she liked somebody

else or what.

I hit her.

All right.

Hey, Johnny, come here.

Jack and I want to talk to you for a minute, all right?

Listen, um, it's taking just a little bit longer than we thought for your mom

come back.

Oh, but she's all right.

She thought it would be a good idea if Dana and I took you to her place for the

night. Will my mommy meet us there?

Well, we sure hope so.

To tell you the truth, John, we just don't know

where your mommy is.

She's lost, but we're trying really hard to find her.

We told you a little white lie because we didn't want you to be scared.

That's all right.

It's all right to be scared. I mean, sometimes even big boys are scared,

Jack? Oh, that's right. I've been scared lots of times.

Like the time I accidentally threw my baseball through the windshield of my

dad's brand new car. Oh, man, I was really scared that time.

And I remember when I was just about your age, I had this little kitten, and

ran away from this hotel where we were staying in Florence, and I couldn't find

her anywhere, and I just went yelling down the Ponte Vecchio, Oh, perzo, il

gatto!

I had an unusual childhood, all right?

That was scary.

Look, what we're trying to tell you, Johnny, is that...

Being scared is something that's going to happen to you now and then in life.

But if you have really good friends, they'll help you get through it.

Could we be your friends for just a little while?

Hey, Johnny, what a big hug for your good old Uncle Jack, huh?

Johnny?

What am I saying? We can't go now because we're going to miss out on Santa

his reindeer. Right, Johnny?

what to do.

I am just so grateful.

Thank you.

Well, we better be going. We're having Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma's, right,

sweetie? So say goodbye to everybody.

Wait a minute. You can't leave now. He'll miss Santa.

That's the best part, right, Johnny?

Oh, I don't care, Jack. I'm Jewish.

What? I don't believe in Santa Claus, but it's okay if you don't. Mommy told

never to spoil it for people who believe.

Now give back the donut, honey. You know we don't allow junk like that in our...

And where's your hat?

Oh, come on, let's put on your hat.

No.

It's stupid.

Okay,

goodbye. Well, that's it. I'm off to my sister's.

Hey, Abe. Yeah? How'd you like to come with me? My sister's always bugging me

get married. I could introduce you as my fiancé. That should liven things up.

Do you own any firearms?

No. Okay, I'm in.

Okay.

Could I take a rain check with you folks? I'm kind of wiped out already.

You sure?

Kielbasa loaf, cabbage rolls.

That sounds so tempting, but thanks anyway, huh? And could you recycle this

me? I know a place.

All right, happy Thanksgiving.

Bye, Dana. Bye.

Hey, Dana, want to ride across town with me?

Oh, thanks.

You know, I think I'll walk home.

Okay, dear. Bye -bye. Happy Thanksgiving.

Bye, Nadine.

I know a great coffee shop that serves the best hot turkey sandwich with mashed

potatoes and gravy and cranberry sauce the way it's meant to be served, from a

can.

Sounds good.

Better than the turkey with fennel cactus papaya sauce or whatever the hell

is we chefs cook to screw up Thanksgiving every year.

Are you wangling an invitation to join me?

Well, since we just raised a child together, it seems like the appropriate

to do.

Oh, damn.

I'm getting a cold.

Give me the hat.

I thought you said hats are stupid.

It's something, but I can pull them off if necessary. Now give me the hat.

Dana, give me the hat.

Would you give me the hat, please?

Can you get the hat for her?