All language subtitles for Love And War s02e09 I Got Plenty of Nothing

So, how'd it go?

What?

Don't toy with me, Jack. You know what
I'm talking about.

The stag party.

Uh, it was okay.

You kind of gave me more than that,
Jack.

I've never even been to a stag party.
Are you kidding?

No. I had to work the night shift when
my brother -in -law had his.

By the time I got to the hotel room, all
the guys were passed out and strippers

were taking their wallets.

I didn't know if I should say something
or if that was part of the tradition, so

I just handed him my wallet and left.

I know you're talking about the stag
party over there, and you really don't

to whisper because no one is interested.

Stag party? What stag party? That wasn't
a stag party. Who had a stag party? It

was no big deal. A friend of mine had a
stag party last night. It was nothing

special. Although they did have a
takeoff on a James Bond movie called Dr.

Yes, Yes.

And then there was the stripper. Ah,
stripper. All right.

There's a wild girl. I sense wildness.
Wild alert. Tell me about it, Jack.

It was nothing much. You know, she sat
in my lap.

Can we not talk about this anymore?

Oh, wait a minute.

You went to a stag party, a stripper sat
on your lap, and Jack Stein doesn't

want to talk about it? Hey, what's with
you, man?

Okay, this goes no farther.

I don't live to regret telling you this,
but I felt nothing.

What?

Let me see if I understand this. You
felt nothing.

I felt something just knowing you were
there.

And this wasn't the only incident.

Last week, I rented the Sports
Illustrated swimsuit video. I watched it

times. Nothing.

And then yesterday, the Victoria's
Secret catalog was delivered to my home.

In care of my lingerie catalog alias,
Jacqueline Stein.

I read it cover to cover.

Nothing.

All right, look, Jack. I'm your best
friend. There isn't anything in life

we can't talk about together.

So, come on. What's going on? Look, Meg,
I don't want you to take this the wrong

way, but you're a woman. I just don't
feel right discussing this with you.

No, I won't accept that. I am not going
to let our gender difference get in the

way of my helping you.

And you know something?

The fact that I'm a woman could just
lend a unique perspective to things.

So, what do you think?

Maybe I ought to take a look at it.

Oh, what is it?

Oh, my God.

Oh, please.

Oh, please. I am a sports writer. I am
in locker rooms all... the time. You are

not special, Jack. Okay, you're a mess.

Each one is special in its own way.

They're like snowflakes.

Hey, everybody.

I'm back.

I've been doing dinner theater in
Westchester. I've been playing Oscar and

Odd Couple.

You ought to come and see it.

And let me tell you, Fabio gives a
performance that'll make you forget Tony

So what's going on?

Nothing. Look, just go about your own
business. Okay, Kip.

Nothing here to see. Just move along.

Hey, Jack, maybe you should tell him. He
seems to have special expertise in this

area. That means you're talking about
one of two things. Sex or how to get the

most out of the unemployment system.

Last night a stripper sat on Jack's knee
and all he could think about was that

she was ruining the crease in his pants.

Mechanical problems, eh, buddy?

Better see a doctor.

A doctor? Get serious. I do not need a
doctor.

Jack's right. Come on, I got things in
this guy.

You know, but you really shouldn't let
sex get in the way of your

I know I never do.

Face it, Jack.

Doctors can be exactly what you need.
They can do things now.

They have those pumps.

They work the same way as those little
rubber froggy toys.

Squeeze the pump, froggy jumps.

Hey, hemlock.

Okay.

Okay, I'm going to give this another
shot.

I think it is probably just all in your
head, Jack.

Now think back.

Did anything happen to a fetcher the
other day at the game when you went to

men's room?

Did anyone tease you at the trough?

bias as you think, okay? Go on, Jack.

Jack, I don't want to scare you, but you
ought to be thinking about what's going

to happen to you the first time you go
out with a new woman. You don't want to

discover that you have a serious problem
and let it down.

This has never happened to you.

Oh. Any of you. Hey.

Sorry, Jack.

Ray, please, I'm counting on you.

Sorry, Jack.

I'm going to the doctor's. Anybody know
one? I need a phone number.

I hear you say you're looking for a
doctor. I know a doctor. But, Jack, are

all right? I mean, what seems to be the
problem? Problem? No problem.

Oh,

there's no problem.

I see.

The little man in your booth can't seem
to raise the drawbridge.

Dear,

just take this number.

My father was a doctor, and he saw...
his practice to this consortium, and I

hear they're all very fine physicians.

The grilled salmon's up, Nadine. Table
three's about to see God.

So, Jack, how come you're going to the
doctor?

Does anyone around here have a life of
their own?

Must you all live through me?

Look, this is none of your business,
Nadine. So just forget it, okay? Do not

pursue it. Do something else. Find other
entrances.

Go! I mean it! Come on!

This part that asks why I'm here, do I
have to fill that in? Oh, I'm afraid you

do, Mr. Stein.

You'll have to tell the doctors at some
point why you're here. I mean, they're

not mind readers, you know.

Well, what if I just say general
checkup? Is that the real reason for

visit? It could be.

with Dr.

Gilroy. Abe and I finally signed a
contract, and now he wants to insure me.

Don't tell me Nadine recommended this
office. Great.

So what's the problem, Jack? We can't
share a waiting room?

Hey, if we get into a fight, there are
trained medical personnel right behind

that door.

So, uh, what brings you here?

It's, uh, personal.

You see how he is?

Do you mind?

If you're too embarrassed to write down
your little...

you could whisper it to me and I'll
write it in with that.

Embarrassed? Who said embarrassed?

Who said I had a problem?

Reason for visit is still blank, Mr.
Stein.

Oh, I see you were referred by little
Nadine Tuttle. Oh, I worked for her

for many years.

Is that so? Oh, yes, her father.

Dr. Tuttle and I were very close.

Well, I probably shouldn't tell you
this, but he and I had a little fling

years ago.

Oh, he was quite the Casanova, Dr.
Tuttle. He used to ask me to get dressed

like a nurse for him.

Well, of course, I am a nurse, and when
you're in the clothes all day long, you

don't want to be wearing them at night.
But I think, I think it helped him.

You know, when men get to be a certain
age, it's not so easy. All right, thank

you very much.

That's a very lovely story. All right,
it will be right over here.

Oh, Lord, what kind of medical care can
we expect when a lunatic like her work

out front?

Well, get used to it.

Once the Clinton health plan kicks in,
you'll be begging for Nurse Darcy.

They always have the worst magazine
selection. Look at this.

Reader's Digest, 1982.

So, Jack, why...

What?

I said, why are you here?

Just my regular check -up.

Little boy. Little boy. Could you place
the place else, please?

Little boy. Little boy.

wrong. I just hate waiting.

Two people came in after me and went in
before me. What's that all about?

Dana Palladino.

Right here. Coming.

Sorry, Jack.

I have to go now.

You ought to take a look at this news
week. It seems that there has been a

-in at the Watergate Hotel.

Yeah, sure.

But I would like to mention that the
socks are at least six ounces, and it's

two -ply gown, so factor that in.

Yeah, okay.

Let's see.

One ten.

What? The scale must be off. I'm one
five, not one ten.

The most I've ever weighed is 107, and
then I had on a lot of makeup and needed

a haircut.

Listen, honey, as we get older, we all
gain a couple of pounds a year.

Now, you want to hop up on the table?

Gently, though. We don't want you to
break it. You know, 110 pounds.

I thought you'd be with me in a minute.

Got that urine sample for me, Mr. Stein?

Sorry, it's still warm. I blew on it a
little. Is that okay?

umbrella in this and it's party time.

So where's the doctor? How long is this
going to take?

It'll just be a minute.

Oh, yeah. I've heard about how long a
minute can be in a doctor's waiting

When was his appointment?

Oh, yeah.

Can't hear that one too many times.

Who always closes these lines?

Well, I'm glad you finally came.

I was about to make some shoulder pads
out of cotton balls.

105.

Huh.

So, I see you're here for an insurance
physical?

Yeah, that's right. Just a quick once
-over. I'm sure I'm in perfect health.

Perfect health, you say? When was your
last mammogram, Dana?

Uh... Blood panel?

I don't remember.

Pap smear?

Well... Well, we can take care of all
that today. I always say, never put off

maintaining your health unless you're a
patient of Dr.

Kevorkian.

You and he weren't lab partners in
medical school, were you?

Oh, now, Dana, I can tell you're a
little tense, but I just want you to

that I have many female patients and
they're all very comfortable with me.

I was wondering about that. I've never
had a male doctor, and I hope you don't

mind me asking.

I mean, when you examine a woman, do
you... Do I ever see her as someone

than a patient?

Oh, that's a very valid question, Dana,
and the answer is no. This is a strictly

professional situation.

Now, do you prefer white wine or red?

Just kidding.

second, I'll light the candles.

Kidding again.

This is just a little bit I do to relax
my patience.

I'm relaxing you with what I'm saying,
okay?

Here we go.

Slide back on the table.

Oh, I'm at the doctor's.

Sitting in a paper gown.

Look like a moron, maybe even a clown.

And when I get off the table, will it
make a funny sound?

The scope is in perfect working order.

By the way, I already gave a sample to
the other nurse, so if you're looking

more, sorry, I'm all out.

I'm Dr.

Kelly.

What?

Are you okay, Mr. Stein? I get the
feeling you weren't expecting a woman

No, I'm fine.

Fine, fine. So what seems to be the
problem?

Nothing.

You're just here for a physical?

Just a physical, if that.

I'm actually feeling great right now. I
don't even know why I came in. I just

saw a sign over the door and thought I'd
look around.

Well, you know, I'm wasting your time. I
should go. But, you know, my gown's

open in the back, so you go first.

Wait just a minute. When was the last
time you had a complete physical?

Um, never.

Never?

At your age.

Well... It's time for a complete
physical. Here, we're going to have to

your blood pressure, heart, prostate,
the worst.

Let's start with a few questions.

Do you eat well?

Oh, yeah.

I don't eat double cheeseburgers
anymore.

The regular are fine, because if you get
bacon on top, you don't even miss the

second burger.

Eat poorly.

Do you exercise?

I'll run if someone's chasing me.

No exercise.

And how's your sex life? Why, have you
heard something?

I don't mean to embarrass you.

These are the normal questions I ask all
my male patients.

Oh, doctor, everything's working like a
charm.

Like a charm.

You sure you want to stay with that
answer? I am a doctor, you can tell me.

How did you know, anyway?

I didn't.

The nurse out front just took a guess
and filled it in.

You know, a lot of men have one bad
experience and overreact.

Let me just ask you a few things.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I did, but I asked her to marry me and
she ran away to France.

I'll take that as a no.

And have you had any sexual experiences
since then?

Oh, boy, this is going to be a lot
harder than I thought.

Not really.

I don't think you have anything to worry
about, Mr. Stein.

But first we have to rule out a couple
of possibilities.

Just make sure that...

You're physically okay.

Now, this isn't going to hurt a bit, so
I just want you to relax.

Now, what method of birth control are
you using, Dana?

None. Is that wise?

Well, it's not too big a risk right now,
if you know what I mean.

I'm taking a little break from
relationships.

You might say... I've had a few that
were just a little more trouble than

were worth.

So next time I get involved, I want to
be really sure.

And I like somebody who's different from
me so I can learn new things. And it

would be nice if they liked to eat
because I love to cook.

And someone with a great sense of humor.

That is so hard to find.

Tell me about it.

I am so... tired of being the only one
in the relationship who can really fire

off a good one. You and me both.

Try finding someone who'll support you
through medical school and not throw it

up to you year after year after year.

Have we discussed vitamin supplements?

Okay, Jack.

Just relax.

And cough.

a little cold.

Ow.

Does this hurt you?

Is intercourse painful, Dana?

No. But then I'm not usually having it
with a cold piece of metal that you have

to crank.

Well, Jack, the good news is I can't
find anything physically wrong with you.

Well, what the hell's going on?

Your girlfriend abandoned you after you
proposed, and a 60 -year -old woman in a

red wig and pasties sat on your knee and
stole your wallet.

Frankly, that sounds like enough to turn
anybody off.

I think you're just suffering from a bad
case of performance anxiety.

So what do I do now?

My prescription?

Find a wonderful woman, take her out,
get to know her, and if she's the right

one, I have a feeling that all the
pieces will fit together exactly like

supposed to.

In fact, I'd take my reputation on it.

Any samples? On the counter.

That's very nice, Doc, and I appreciate
your confidence, but to tell you the

truth, I'm sort of off relationships
now.

Where am I going to find somebody I can
trust?

Somebody who is as tough as me, but
different enough, you know, so that, you

know, it's not boring.

Somebody who makes me laugh for a
change.

Do you like to eat?

Yeah, why?

Just asking.

Table four would like a little extra
marinara sauce for the penne.

Oh, Dana, I forgot to ask you, how was
your doctor's appointment?

Oh, fine.

As a matter of fact, I met someone who
knew you.

Nurse Doris? Oh, Nurse Doris.

Oh, my God. I haven't seen her in years.

You know, my father spoke very highly of
her, and she was very attached to him.

Yes, I'm sure she was a very dedicated
employee.

Oh, yes.

But, you know, once I came home from
school, and this was really peculiar, I

found her lying in my parents' bed.

She was wearing her nurse's uniform.

And I remember thinking, that's odd.

And then my father came out of the
bathroom, and he said, oh, she'd been

him rearrange the medicine cabinet.

After that, I always wondered if they'd
had an affair.

Oh, I'm sure they didn't.

Well, that's too bad, because Mother was
doing it with the tennis pro, and I

always thought Daddy should get his fair
share.

Hi, everybody.

Beer, please, Aunt.

Hi, Mac.

How'd it go with the doctors, buddy? Is
life over, or is Froggy jumping again?

One of the days when a man could walk
into a bar and lose himself in the

I'm watching too many Cheers reruns.
Real life, Jack.

What the hell's going on with you? All
right.

We're all going to have to find
something else to interest us because

Stein's little problem is over.

Oh, yeah.

What happened?

All right, look. If this closes the book
on this discussion, last night I had a

dream. Yes, so? Well, it was an erotic
dream.

Oh, sweet. Yeah, it was the first one
I've had in months.

It made me realize, much to my relief,
that I really don't have anything to

worry about after all. All right.

That's great, Jack. I feel great for
you.

Boy, that must have been quite a dream,
huh?

Not that you should feel any obligation
to share some details with us.

All right.

But this goes no further, right?

Right? Right.

The subject of my dream was that short
one in the kitchen.

Hillary?

No.

Worse. Venom.

What?

You had a dream about me?

Who said you could do that?

Did I say dream? I meant nightmare.

God, you have the ears of a German
shepherd.

Something that's none of your business
is now being discussed in Chicago. Can

you hear that, too?

So you had a dream about me, huh?

Jack Stein had the chutzpah to dream
about Dana Palladino?

All right.

I'm going to let you off the hook this
time.

Oh, thank you.

So, uh... How was I?

You'll never know.

I was great, wasn't I?

It's between me and my subconscious.

So did you at least take me to dinner
first?

Can we drop this, please?

All right. All right. Fine.

But next time, maybe you should spend a
little money on me. You might even get

better results.

I felt that.

Hi. I'm Kip Zuccaro.

I'm here for my 3 o 'clock appointment.
Oh, yes.

Stan and the doctor will be with you in
a moment.

Excuse me, it says reason for visit.

Do I have to fill that in? Yeah, I'm
afraid you do, Mr. Vicarious. The

aren't mind readers, you know.

Man, they're dropping like flies.