Original subtitles

I am telling you that there's no contest here. The woman has a much better body

than that washed -out blonde you like.

You know, we've been friends a long time, Jack, but now you're making me

I'm not going to sit here while you talk that way about Betty.

Betty? Look, you're scaring me, man.

Every red -blooded guy I know had the hots for Veronica. You like Betty. It's

very telling, Ray.

Very telling. What was that?

Every guy I know left it after Veronica. She had the look, she was rich, and

let's face it, she bought a bra at the novelty shop.

Come on, help me out here, Abe. Oh, no, sir, no, sir. There are three things I

want to discuss with friends.

Religion, politics, and Betty and Veronica.

There's no easy answers there. It depends on how you were raised, really.

the entire female population into Betty's and Veronica's. Well, I have one

question for you. If you're a woman and you're coming down the street and you

see Archie, Reggie, and Jughead coming at you, would you not jump in your car

and drive the hell out of here?

I thought you had all the makings of a Veronica, but now

I'm thinking you're a Wilma Flintstone.

Hi,

how are you? Are you enjoying your meal?

Aren't you smart? You got the lemon salt. Good.

Hi. Hi, I'm the chef, Dana Palladino. I hope you're enjoying your meal.

The food here is top -notch. Yeah, yeah. Choice grub.

But, you know, the whole dining experience could be better if you, like,

my knee.

I said my last name was Palladino, not Fleiss.

And besides, I wouldn't want to make your friend jealous.

Oh, you're feisty.

I like that.

Just my luck.

Oh, boy. We got a table over here made a wrong turn in Jersey.

Think they're at a truck stop. What a couple of jerks. Where?

Oh, where are you going so fast? You, uh, walked away before I had a chance to

ask if you were single.

Can't you see the lady is busy?

Jack, it's okay. I can handle this, all right?

Look, it's nothing personal, really. I'm just not interested.

Well, hey, give me a chance here, babe. You don't even know me yet.

I know you ordered your salmon battered and deep -fried like a giant fish stick.

I don't need to know any better than that.

Well, great. So just tell me where and when. Hey, look, come on, pal. You heard

the lady. Now, why don't you just go back to your cage? I'm sure there's some

fresh newspaper in there by now.

Jack, Jack, just let me handle this, okay?

Yeah. Why don't you listen to your mom and back off?

Look, sport, I am telling you to get out of her face.

And I'm telling you to keep your mouth shut. Okay, okay, okay. We don't need to

celebrate the feast of St.

Testosterone here tonight, all right?

Calm down and go back to your corner. I'm sure your friend's starting to miss

you by now.

Thank you so much.

Everything is under control. And listen, buddy.

I would have stepped outside with you, but I make it a rule never to pummel

someone whose head was sewn on in a lab.

Oh!

I really hope we are in good hands or part of your rock or whatever it is you

say because this place really is a disaster area. I mean, look at our

Not only is it broken, but all of our records were stolen.

Except for Michael Bolton.

Well, don't worry.

We're going to replace everything that we can and reimburse you for the rest.

Really? Just like that?

Well, I'm new to the insurance business, but they tell me that's how it works.

This is my first claim, you know.

Oh? Really?

My God.

What? The Tiffany lamps.

What lamps?

Oh, no, the Tiffany lamps.

Shirley, you have heard of Tiffany lamps? They're gone. They're all gone.

Oh, no, we have to replace the... Oh, my goodness, don't tell me. My coat is

missing. What kind of coat?

Um, mink, full length.

And a Chanel handbag.

No, oh, no, I...

I didn't have the handbag.

Yes, I did. I did have the bag. Just right here.

You know, I used to enjoy good ballroom brawl.

Yeah. Afterwards, I'd look around at the debris and get full of that pride only

a man can feel when he's destroyed something.

Now all I can see is how much this girl cost me.

to my life.

Well, Abe, that's what you get for letting Jack Stein hang out here. He

trail of destruction wherever he goes. I think I saw his name listed in the Book

of Plagues. Right between locust and cellulite.

Abe, Abe.

I think you're exaggerating, Mary Margaret.

It's not that bad. It's just a neck brace.

It's not like there's a lump.

I've got another head growing out of my head here.

Here, feel it.

Ray, the phrase here, feel it has never really worked on me, okay?

Look at this. This is horrible.

I was supposed to cover a tennis tournament this weekend, but I lost the

assignment to a reporter with a full pivot head.

And the antique pool table was right over there.

Dear, look at you.

Oh, you poor thing.

You know, it's not as bad as you think it is. If you just disguise that with

some accessories, I'm thinking a nice scarf. Just like this.

Maybe a brooch or a pin. That's right. But, oh, no, you don't want to get too

fussy with it. Will you stop it?

Pointless. I could be wearing the Shroud of Turin over my shoulders and people

would still be staring at my big, fat, plastic neck.

I can't get three blocks without some lawyer giving me his card.

That attitude, that attitude. I think you should ask yourself why your glass

always half empty.

Because the booze gets warm if you don't drink it right away.

You know, you and that Jack, you're a bad combination.

Me and Jack? You're blaming me for this?

Yeah, yeah, you're out here hobnobbing with the customers too much. Now, if you

were aloof and unfriendly like me, this never would have happened.

You cannot believe my ears.

under control. And then the man had to start the war.

Women rarely resort to violence. I mean, unless we're at a really great shoe

sale and there's only one size seven.

Tempers might flare.

Someone could be shoved. But bloodshed? Only if it's 50 % off.

Well...

of our building like hurricane victims.

Dan, what are you saying? Are you upset?

How could you be upset? I was trying to help you.

Oh, help me.

That's why it looks like Ike and Tina Turner had their wedding reception here.

You weren't trying to help anybody. You were having your own private party.

I can't believe this.

Look at my eye.

Do you think I enjoyed waking up with a shiner like this?

That is pretty nasty looking. It is, isn't it?

Oh, please spare us. Let me give you some news, Jack. Women are not impressed

that kind of thing. We don't really need you to come to our rescue.

Okay, occasionally we might need you to negotiate a car deal or dispose of a

dead husband's body, but that's about it.

And what about Meg?

She's a woman. She was fighting.

Meg is in a whole separate sub -file of her own.

Now, come on. You're making me blush.

Might I point out, Dana, that not all men are Neanderthals.

Some of us are a little more evolved, more sensitive.

You're absolutely right, Ray.

Now, you're a big, physical guy with a lot of muscle, but you know how to

control yourself.

I was very impressed last night.

You were?

Well, I didn't even think you noticed.

Yeah, I, uh... I work out on a regular basis.

I also enjoy quiet dinners, walks in the rain.

My five -year goal is to get... Ray, Ray, what are you doing? Auditioning for

the Love Connection?

Now, Mom, we're having a serious discussion here.

Okay, fine.

Maybe we can pick this up later, Dana.

Over coffee at my place?

Celebrate the moments of our lives?

Oh, I just crossed a line there, didn't I?

Okay, I'll stop talking then.

But you know, I really do give a good foot massage.

Shut up, Ray!

Hey,

give me a beer or something.

Help me!

While Ray runs around in the ninth circle of hell, can we get back to the

subject here?

Let me get clear on this.

Are you saying that women never handle conflict with violence?

It's not our first instinct, isn't that right?

Oh, that is right.

Women know much better ways to gain the upper hand.

Gossip is our weapon of choice.

We plant that tiny little seed and we just let it take root.

Well, great then.

Let's just hand the military over to women.

I can just see Wolf Blitzer in a live update.

I'm standing here on the Syrian -Israeli border. If you listen carefully, you

can hear the Syrians crying, still reeling from the Israeli attacks,

them of having flabby thighs and no knack for accessorizing.

Bernard? Huh?

Oh. A Syrian spokesman denied these rumors, saying Syrians are dressing down

tough times, and the apparent weight gain is simply due to water retention.

Look, Superman, here's the bottom line. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean

I'm helpless.

I've been around. I've had to fend off Bob Packwood, for God's sake. So please,

do me a favor. No more rescue attempts, or you won't be able to eat here again

without a food taster.

Fine! the message.

Just don't come running to me the next time you see a spider.

I swash spiders with my beer.

Nadine, could we have a table that doesn't wobble so much?

I didn't take a dram of me just to get through the appetizer. You know, if you

don't like this table, Jack, you can always break it over someone's head like

you did last night.

Oh, good. Anybody still blaming me?

What else is my fault?

Menopause? I'm sorry.

Labor pains?

I voted against that one.

Hot pants?

Okay, I admit, I was the head of that committee.

I'm just going to ignore that remark. Since you are a paying customer, I am

obliged to ask you, how's everything?

Fine. My chicken is full of wild and exotic flavors.

I'll tell you one thing, that gal in the kitchen is going to make someone a fine

wife someday.

I'm sure that's why Dana became a chef, Ray. Now, after a short stint as a

seamstress and then a prostitute, she'll feel fully qualified for marriage.

Oh, my God. My God. Look who just came in.

Oh, not again. What? I can't see.

Oh, please. Are they joking?

They're back? I can handle this.

Hello.

Table for two, please.

Well, let's see.

Would you prefer to sit in the fighting or the non -fighting section?

Well, well.

If it isn't the guys who cost me $4 ,833 .16 and still counting.

Let me see. Now, how could this be worse?

Maybe you pulled a muscle when you tried to sphere somebody with my coat rack

and you've come back to sue me.

Listen, we feel terrible about last night.

Yeah, we had a little too much to drink and things just got out of hand.

But we're not bad guys.

We'd like to order your best food, your best champagne, you know, basically drop

a whole lot of cash with a big fat tip so we can make it up to you.

Okay.

I'll take it to your table. But hey, I'm going to be keeping my eye on you and

I'm going to overcharge you for your drinks.

Just try to control yourself, buddy. Hey, I'm out of it.

I'm Switzerland.

I'm just sitting here in my Alps enjoying a view.

Isn't that that guy who started everything last night?

Unbelievable. The nerve of the guy coming back here.

Look, buddy, we're just here for a peaceful dinner, so don't you go

anything like you did last night.

I don't think he's talking to us.

Hey, we're trying to bury the hatchet here.

I believe the audacity of this guy. How antisocial can you get?

Forget it, Jack.

What is this? We're not good enough to talk to because I'm used to getting a

response.

That is the polite thing to do when two people are having a conversation like we

are right now.

He might not be talking, but he's thinking something.

Like maybe he's thinking I'm a jerk.

Do I look like a jerk to you, pal?

I think you think I do, and I'm insulted. Should I have to take this

I don't think so.

Hey, don't look at me like that.

Please, let me handle this.

Just let the woman handle this. And the playground monitor.

Excuse me, but let me just tell you up front that if there's any bull, you will

be having your main course on the sidewalk.

So let's just all be adults like our driver's license say we are.

Hey, I don't understand why you're harping on us. It's that guy.

He starts things and blames them on somebody else.

Nobody's blaming anybody.

I can't believe it myself, but he's just sitting there, so let's just have a

nice, peaceful dinner. Thank you. He's sitting there because he's a wimp.

I wonder when the last time was he had a date. Sure doesn't have what it takes

to keep a woman.

For your information, this man is now exhibiting more...

what a woman finds attractive than that brute force that you are so proud of.

Okay, look, Dana, it's all right. Let it go, all right?

Now, come on, I got him pegged. I bet he cried at Sleepless in Seattle.

Listen here, Pluto, for your information... Look, Dana, Dana, come

it's okay, all right? Just forget about it. Yeah, doll, we can handle this. Why

don't you just go back in the kitchen and burn the chicken like you did last

night? It was blackened, moron.

Sir.

No problem.

But perhaps you'd like to try one of our fabulous desserts.

There. It's on the house.

Dana. Dana, what the hell are you doing?

destruction day after day.

It really makes you want to take back the streets. Well, it's easy to be

ma 'am, but it's not really the criminal's fault.

No, I blame TV.

I think once we get a good labeling system, you'll see this country

up real quick.

What

do

you mean you're canceling my insurance?

What about all those ads where you're hugging blood victims?

I need a hug real bad, man.

Yeah, but if you just listen, just... Hello?

Oh, man.

It's canceled.

They canceled it.

This is coming out of your salary and your high.

And what are you doing with a porterhouse on his eye? Couldn't you use

steak?

Where are my thumbs?

Who the hell took my thumbs?

I could tell because the little guy was crying.

I found the whole thing base and disgusting.

Dana, the image of you strapped on that old back, twirling round and round like

some kind of devil woman.

That's not the way I like to think of you.

I know, Ray.

I like to think of you in a little Bo Peep outfit.

I talked to my priest. He said, don't worry, it's common.

I think it's time for Jack Stein to admit that he was wrong.

I think women should be in the military.

I mean, we could strap little Miss Dana here to the belly of a B -52, drop her

over a rack, and cut her defense budget by 50%. Listen, you don't have to rub it

in, all right? I'm not proud of myself. I stoop to a very low level, which I

think has something to do with being around you and the fact that I

watched a little Monday Night Football, and I think that it has all... I altered

my genetic makeup.

Oh, I admit it, Palladino. You love getting your licks in. You had a special

little glint in your eye.

At least I have my eyes.

Give me my meat.

Now, listen.

I try never to go into bad neighborhoods.

But if I have to, would you please go with me?

Knock it off.

You know, I do have a couple of enemies.

I'd really appreciate it if you would just go to their homes and not really

them, but just rough them up a little.

I'm warning you.

What I really think brought all this out in you was that this guy was insulting

me and you wanted to defend my honor.

Oh, please. How many times were you hit in the head? Look, it made me feel very

wanted, very cared for.

Like I was special.

I think you've got a little thing for me.

Oh, that's it.

You know, we would actually make a pretty good... I mean, we could really

some dance.

Get out of my kitchen. Your only problem is that you fight like a girl. I mean,

you've got to go down real low for leverage.

Like this?

Oh, yeah, that's about right.

Okay, I'm going to attack.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to wipe the pavement with you.

You degenerate little punk. You make me sick. Oh, really big man, picking on a

middle -aged woman in an A -line skirt.

Baby, remember what we talked about.

Buddha and how inculc don't really fit into Eastern philosophy?