Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Beer, please? Beer,

please? Yeah.

So, what's up?

Well, they say Clinton's planning to send troops to... Ray, what the hell are

you wearing?

Oh, this.

This is the city's new uniform for all the sanitation employees that are

currently assigned to Times Square.

They thought it'd be a good idea to make us more visible, you know, for safety

reasons.

That's nice to know they care.

Well, Ray, I think it looks very, uh... What's the word I'm looking for?

Loud. Stupid.

Foolish. It's no word, really, but it's a script of all human dignity.

All right, all right, come on.

That's enough.

I hate the darn jumpsuit.

Put it on, it looks like I've gained 30 pounds.

This morning I stood motionless on a curb a little too long and a German

shepherd peed on me.

Oh, wow.

Look at her.

Boy, can you believe how beautiful she is?

I tell you, if I wasn't involved with Dana right now... Hey,

Abe, I need a good Chiani for my Maranara, so if you've got any... Hi,

Hi, Dana.

You're looking very lovely tonight.

Thank you.

So do you.

So when did Santa tap you for the head elf spot at the workshop?

Oh, Data, that's so very clever.

A vodka gimlet for the lady over there, eh, please? And then she'll be ready to

order right away, she tells me, because she's not meeting anyone.

She's eating alone.

I wonder what her story is. Why does it have to be a story?

A gorgeous woman like that alone? Come on. There's a story.

I'll tell you what her story is. This is a career woman who has devoted the very

best years of her life to her work.

Everything was go, go, go. But now she's getting older.

She's alone.

There's no husband. There are no children.

So tonight she's thinking she'll eat her solitary little dinner amidst the

camouflaging chatter of a busy restaurant trying to feel, oh,

some connection to that world she turned her back on.

Ring a bell, Meg.

Hey, guys.

A beer for me, please.

I had a great day.

I just finished my column on gays in the military.

Did you know that there are men on submarines whose beds are right

nuclear warhead? That's right.

Every night they go to sleep with a big atomic bomb right over their heads. So

here's my question.

Should they really be worrying about whether the guy in the next bed is going

ask them to dinner? I mean, come on.

So are we talking about what Ray's wearing, or has that been covered?

Jack, will you give me a break?

The city bought these for all the workers in Times Square.

I knew when we asked for a dental plan, they'd find some kind of way to get back

at us. Well, that's perfect. My tax dollars paid for this.

This column is writing itself, telling you this city is nearly bankrupt.

bleeding me with taxes.

What is everybody looking at? Oh, that woman over there. We were just wondering

what someone like her is doing all alone in a restaurant.

Well, I can tell you what she's doing right now.

She's flirting with me.

Yeah, you see the way she looked at me and then she looked away?

Oh, please.

She glanced briefly at the bar.

Possibly because she thought she saw a large fireball out of the corner of her

eye.

I'm sorry, Ray.

It's okay coming from you, Dana.

In fact, it could be interpreted as playful banter, not necessarily just a

shot.

Oh, boy, did you see that?

I mean, this is getting embarrassing.

It's like I have a big sign on me that reads, on the rebound, come and get it.

Does anyone have a pair of hip boots? It's getting pretty deep in here.

She just looked at me, then stroked her throat.

Any time a woman looks at a man and then touches her face and or her neck, she's

flirting.

And who told you that?

Dana, let me take a moment to educate you.

Men are born with expertise in certain areas. For instance, who came up with

theory of relativity?

Somebody named Albert, not somebody named Susan.

We can put men on the moon, we can balance a checkbook, and we can

tell when a woman is pretty once.

Oh, Jack, you're absolutely right.

Men do have a certain expertise that women do not have. For example, I

that World War II was started by someone named Adolf, not someone named Cindy.

Hey, Jack, she's looking over you again.

Huh? All right. Okay.

I'll tell you the truth. Ever since Wally left me, women have been coming on

me all over the place.

Practically being harassed.

Even at work.

Didn't I finally get to speak to Eileen Peterson?

Yes, you did, Jack. And she was very confused because she's 72.

She's still a woman, Meg. She still has nudes.

Jack, that woman is not flirting with you or any other man. Let me tell you

something. If a woman is flirting, she doesn't just look at you for a second.

She catches your eye and then holds your gaze like this.

Oh, my God, now she's hitting on me.

Will I ever know peace in my life?

All right, listen, I think I ought to settle this.

I'll take a table for dinner alone tonight.

And I will bet you that before the meal is over, you will see that woman get up,

come over to my table, and give me her phone number. Do you want to bet?

Are you kidding? Of course I'll take that.

I really shouldn't do this. This is like bribing a congressman. There's no

challenge in it.

So, what do we want to bet?

Oh, how humiliating can I get?

How about if I... You...

Have to dance Swan Lake in the middle of the restaurant at peak dinner hour in a

tutu.

Very, very cute.

Very sweet.

Dana, listen, and if you lose, which you will, you have to clean my entire

apartment. That's not fair. Well, and I've really let it go lately, too. I

especially the laundry. I have underwear in my hamper that could qualify as

fossil fuel.

Now, wait a minute. Hold it. We have not decided yet what you'll be wearing.

Is the French maid outfit a cliché or is it a classic? I think we'll go with the

classic. I think we'll go with the classic.

Jack, you poor unfortunate boy.

Enjoy your meal tonight because tomorrow you're going to be the evening's

entertainment.

Here we go, sir. One of our finest tables.

Lady.

This table is no good. The woman can't even see me. I'm sorry, sir. This is the

best I can do without a reservation.

Nadine, there's an empty table right next to her. Really? I don't see it.

Oh, for God.

I mean, Jack just sat down. She looked over right away with interest. She

over at him with alarm. He was packing away like an executive at Philip Morris.

Now she's writing in her appointment book. I wonder what that means, huh?

It means nobody bother me. I do it all the time. I always keep a little

with me so if I think some guy's trying to make eye contact with me, I can just

pull it out.

What do you write? A little notes to myself.

Get loafers resold, pick up hair conditioner, buy guns.

Just took her earrings off.

I don't know what that's saying.

My earlobes hurt.

Oh, please.

Look, there goes the jacket.

Man, she's practically stripping.

Jacket's got a gift.

Man, I can't think too much more of this.

Suddenly everything's so sexually charged, you know?

Hey, Dana.

Dana, tell me, what would make you notice a guy in a crowded restaurant?

I don't think you need to ask that question tonight, Reg.

So how's it going?

She's ignoring him, right?

I wonder if they make tutus with athletic supporters.

Another give or take. You won't believe what Jack is doing. He's sending a drink

over to her table. Roll ball move.

And so Jack.

I don't know. Sending a drink to a woman can be misinterpreted. It's a risky

move. Very risky.

A man often fights it here.

Ooh, I'll see what she says when I give it to her.

I'm sure she'll take a pen. No, no, no. Hold on, Nadine. I think I'll take this

drink over to her myself.

I wouldn't want anybody trying to sway her one way or another.

Step aside.

All right.

Now, if she drinks the drink, that means she's attracted to Jack.

If she drinks the drink, that means she thinks, all right, free booze.

If she drinks the drink, it means she has a hollow leg.

No, it's not funny.

It's... Drink can be a comfort to a woman like her, you know.

Actually, after Charles went off to the pokey and the kids were grown, I found

myself tippling.

You know, I'd have a glass of wine at lunch and dry sherry before dinner.

Cognac after dinner.

A shot of brandy and a glass of milk before I went to bed.

Oh, this just went on, you know, for a while until one day I caught myself

pouring Cuervo Gold over my frosted mini -wheats.

And then I said to myself, I said, Missy, you may have... I have a problem.

Excuse me, miss. This is from an admirer.

Isn't that nice?

Oh, thank you.

Sending somebody a drink. Now, that's a great old tradition.

Remember how they used to do that in those old movies and nobody ever got mad

anything?

Instead, the lady was flattered and usually gave the gentleman her phone

Here's your drink.

Well, thank you. That's very nice.

Let me know if you need a pencil or something.

Excuse me, do you mind if I ask what sort of perfume you're wearing? It

me of... Hot fish coming through.

All righty, what have we here? Delicious snored fish poached in white wine and

shallots and finished in a lime cilantro sauce. Now, don't let yourself get

distracted. You have to focus all your attention on the food or you'll miss the

subtlety.

Bon appétit.

Merci.

Don't you think it's a little too early to gloat?

I don't see her passing her phone number, doing a table dance for you yet.

I just wanted her to see me talking to the chef, you know, like I'm a VIP here.

Now, you laugh like I just said something incredibly witty.

something, Jay.

Is she really your type?

The cold, statuesque blonde?

Why do you ask? I don't know. It's just so predictable.

Well, I have been known to take a detour off the main highway from time to time.

Really?

Ever get lost?

If I was lucky.

What the hell are we talking about?

I thought you knew.

Just tell me what you want for dinner, all right?

Bring me something that looks really expensive and impressive. I wanted to

I'm, you know, sophisticated, like I know something about food.

Fine.

It's all over. He's pregnant.

Not so fast. Look.

My God, he asked her for butter.

Of all the low, no good, manipulative... Oh, she is desperate. She's desperate.

Casper, she's lonely. She's childless. Her ovaries are calling the shots here.

Oh, here she comes. Look.

Showtime, folks. Come on, stop. Right here.

Damn,

that's all smooth.

Well, well, well.

Did you see that?

You know, I should teach a course.

But then again, can a talent really be taught?

Anyway, it won't be long now. You see how she touched my table as she went by?

She probably went to the ladies' room so she could check her hair and put on a

little more makeup for me.

Or to get the pistol she left taped in the toilet.

Now, Dana, let's not be a sore loser, okay?

Oh, and by the way, you'd better point... on a whole day tomorrow.

I mean, as I said before, my apartment's a disgrace.

My last cleaning lady brought charges against me.

Tell me something, Jack.

When you fly, do you have to buy an extra seat for your ego, or do you just

it in your lap?

Boy, that looks great.

You might have asked what you're having?

Sour fish.

Oh, excellent choice.

Nice, juicy piece of sour fish.

They do that very well here.

Sea bass?

Meso -meso.

What are you having?

Oh, well, the chef never lets me order off the menu anymore. She always cooks

something special for me. I guess that's because she knows I have a pretty

sophisticated palate.

I'm a bit of a gourmand.

Really?

Here it comes now.

Can't wait to see what she's done for me.

Boy, I'm starving.

Ah, thank you.

Your wiener, sir?

I wouldn't want to smother the taste.

Anything at all with your wiener, sir.

No, I think you've thought of everything.

You may go.

Sir.

What? May I suggest a wine with your wiener?

Let's see where we stand.

Okay, in the men's column we have two leg crosses, three hair twists, one

removal. Well, don't forget she fingered her blouse. But she did not button. It

doesn't count if you don't unbutton. Oh, none of this means squat. When she

gives Jack a phone number, the ball game is over and we win. Well, she's

polishing off that pear tart pretty fast, and she hasn't given him anything

I just better move her along before Jack pretends he needs the Heimlich

maneuver.

Oh, I see you ate every bit of that pear tart. Aren't you a good eater?

And drinker.

Well, I can see that you're a working woman, so if you'd like, I can bring you

your check right away. And that way, you can rush home, get right to bed, and

wake up nice and early tomorrow morning so you can start that rat race all over

again. Actually, I'd love some more coffee.

Oh, really?

Oh, do you think that's wise? It can keep you up something terrible.

I'm drinking decaf. You hope.

I can't really remember.

Which pot I poured it from.

Oh, I'm just a terrible waitress, aren't I? You know, I bet you just want to

have your check right now so that you don't have to put up with this kind of

incompetence any longer. What has happened to the standard of service?

All right, all right, fine.

Uh -huh. More coffee.

That's annoying.

Why is she doing that?

She's lingering.

Lingering is good. I'm going to go till Jackie's ahead.

Really recovered from the whole wiener debacle.

Now she's gonna see me talking to a guy. Looks like something you should attach

a basket to and fly over the wine country with.

I'm sorry, Jack.

I just thought you should know she ordered more coffee.

Lingering, huh? Exactly.

So you gonna make another move now?

You gonna pick up her check? No. No, that's too aggressive. That could scare

off. No, now I will just wait.

Sit here and...

sip my coffee nice and slowly, and in a minute she's going to get up, come over

to my table like she's going to go to the ladies' room and give me her phone

number.

I've got to say, Jack, I admire your style.

I've learned much here today.

Maybe it'll help me finally get somewhere with Dana.

Ray, what's going to help you with Dana is if she looks too long and he clips

and goes blind.

What a night for everybody to order their meat well done.

Did he offer cash yet?

Well, Jack says we can all just sit back and watch.

He said in a couple minutes she's going to get up, make another cross to the

ladies' room, stop at his table, and give him her number.

Aha! The check! Sorry, sports fans, the clock is running down for this time,

man. Oh, it ain't over till it's over. He's just trying to keep the game going,

give the fans their money's worth.

A gold card. I mean, I suppose she thought that was going to comfort her in

old age.

Come on, Jack.

Shoot from midcourt. You got nothing to lose, man.

Ask if she's a folks model.

Anything.

Well, ladies, I must say that right now I am very proud to be a man.

I'm with you, Abe.

Yes, this is a very historic day here at the Blue Shamrock.

From henceforth, it'll be called Stein Day.

Beer will flow in the streets, and all over the land, men's apartments will be

clean and tidy.

Shut up right before I wave you in front of a bull.

if you will, when it comes to women.

And when I say that a woman is flirting with me, well, it means a woman is

flirting with me. Do you grasp that now?

One dumb woman on the whole planet, and she happens to be eating here.

You know, I wasn't going to hold you to our bet because I knew the lesson would

be learned, but then you pulled that whole wiener stunt and charged me $36

it.

That's three bucks an inch.

be at my place tomorrow at 9 a .m. to fluff and fold my scantiness.

Excuse me. I think I left my earrings on my table.

Oh, here, let me look.

Oh, yeah. I found them. Here they are.

Here.

Lucky you. Oh, thank you. I don't know why I wear these. They always wind up

feeling like... It grabbed onto my earlobes.

Something wrong?

I was just looking to see if that creepy little man is still here.

He kept staring at me all through dinner, and I just started to get a very

feeling about him.

Really?

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I spoke to him just to be safe, and I told him that if

he followed me out of here, I was going to call the police.

very strange, Sheila.

The kind of guy that lives in his parents' basement, drinks Tang, calls

radio. Zach?

Zach?

Well, um, listen, your food is fabulous, and I think once Zach gets out, this

place is going to start attracting a much better clientele.

But in the meantime, I really enjoyed myself during my meal, just speculating

what the life stories must be of these weird people at the bar.

Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm hoping for a better clientele

myself.

Come back.

Bring friends.

All right. Bye now.

Dad.