Original subtitles

I was a man about town.

I was the kind of guy who got around.

But since you're gone, you see, the city dances without me.

Wait, where's my lunch? I'm in a hurry. I'll be right back.

I ordered pasta primavera. This is a ham sandwich.

Don't be afraid to experiment.

No,

I'm sorry. Oh, please, everybody.

If you could just be patient a little while longer.

We lost our chef unexpectedly this morning, and the new person is just

get used to the surroundings. Thank you.

Oh, my God. We are on a great big jumbo jet with two engines on fire, and I'm

the stewardess going up and down the aisles offering people extra peanuts.

Table six says there's too much mustard on this ham. Oh, I can't believe she

deserted us. I worked on an assembly line in Detroit for seven years, and I

never felt this kind of desperation.

Except the time when I saw that first Timothy Lowry roll off the assembly

I knew we were all doomed. Yeah, just give me that. Give me that.

I can't believe Wally would just leave town

like this.

Just since I heard him, I keep thinking about Jack.

He must be a complete wreck.

Come on, Ray. The Jack Stein I know is a tough guy who's going to bounce right

back. Like that time he left his new laptop on the subway and he was

But then we went to see Spaceballs and after that he was fine.

Let's see if there are any funny movies in here.

Heads up.

Heads up.

Hi, guys. How's it going?

Fine. Good.

How's it going with you? With me? It's going great.

See that?

Man said it's going great.

I just finished tomorrow's column.

I whipped through it like a man possessed.

It's about the year of the woman.

Oh, yeah.

It's been terrific, hasn't it? Look at all we got out of it.

Tampax machine in the Senate bathroom.

That's good, huh?

A female serial killer.

I guess she felt that she was empowered to do away with all those people.

That's something else we got out of this year, the word empowered.

All the women are saying it now, you know, and the sentence is like, oh, I'm

sorry, Jack, I can't marry you, but I suddenly feel empowered to go find

in Paris and leave you to turn into a drooling old man sitting on a park bench

with a pigeon on your head, you miserable loser.

How do you get this off? I can't get this off.

Take it easy. Take it easy. Just get it off. Take it easy, buddy.

What the hell are these anyway?

I don't know, Talbot. The science editor gave them to me.

He said they haven't been approved yet in Mexico, so I thought they'd do the

trick.

Oh, God.

I can't believe that she left me.

Why would she do something like that?

Maybe she had mileage that was about to expire.

You know what she did?

She left me a letter.

I've read it a million times.

Dear Jack, I don't know where to start, so I'll just start by saying that I love

you very, very much, which is why I have to leave you. Oh, Wally, such a good

person. But some of her marbles rolled out of the bag.

I met you on the day of my divorce, and now you've asked me to marry you. As

much as my heart wants to say yes, it would be wrong to make that kind of

commitment when I don't know who I am yet.

What does she mean she doesn't know who she is yet? It says who she is right in

her driver's license.

And what's with going to France? They can't even keep a Disneyland going.

not a place to settle.

I can't take it. I can't take it. My life is ruined.

Can you believe it? Wally left me a lousy letter.

Oh, good. It's a form letter now.

Dear Abe, the blue shamrock is now yours. I bought it from your brother, so

giving it to you seems like the right way to close a circle. P .S., sorry

all the debt.

This is a nightmare.

No, no, no, no, no. It's worse than a nightmare.

All of a sudden, I'm... I'm... management.

You're one of them now, Abe.

It's going to change you, man. I know.

I'm trying to fight it, but... I hate Clinton.

Tax and spin, tax and spin.

I like that nice bardo.

Why doesn't anybody ever listen to him?

Jack, I know you feel horrible right now, but good friends can help you

this. If you don't want to be alone this weekend, you can come with me to visit

Charles in prison.

The strip search can be a little unpleasant, but it gets easier each

Last week, the matron noticed a mole I needed to have looked at.

Look, look, guys, I really appreciate your sympathy, but there's nothing you

do that's going to make this pain go away.

I'm going to have to go through this my own way, alone.

she dumped you. What is it, on the news now?

No. I drove her to the airport.

Look, Pally, you and I have had our differences in the past, but now we have

bond. We have both loved and been left by the same woman. May I remind you,

that Wally didn't leave you. She caught you in bed with another woman.

Yeah, but very soon after that, she left.

Let me tell you something, Kip. Unlike you, I have learned my lesson.

I was in love for the first time in my life, and I got the shaft.

Well, never again.

As far as I'm concerned, women are nothing but trouble.

Oh! Hey, what are you doing? I'm walking. I was walking there. Well,

Your Royal Highness. Ladies first, as usual.

Eat dirt. You wish.

That makes no sense.

I say eat dirt, you say you wish.

How does that follow?

Maybe it doesn't.

Maybe I didn't want it to.

Typical man answer. Typical woman attitude.

I appreciate my salary later. Where's the kitchen? I'm ready to start.

How'd you know we needed a chef?

Well, your produce guy told the salad guy at Lutess who told the sauce guy at

the Four Seasons who told me the sous chef at Le Petit Bateau.

Actually, the former sous chef.

Aren't we wasting a lot of time talking? Your customers are on the school lunch

program here, for God's sake.

Oh, how do I know you're really a chef?

My God, we're really starting from scratch here, aren't we?

Palladino, daughter of the famous modern artist Dante Palladino, trained in the

great kitchens of Europe, personal chef to Mick Jagger during the Steel Wheels

tour, a year and a half cooking on the Alaska Pipeline just to learn about

salmon, rising star in one of New York's most important restaurants. I'm the

luckiest thing that's happened to you in a long time, so come on, let's go. It's

time to cook.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

If you're such hot stuff, why are you looking for a job?

Good question.

You see, a man made a huge mistake and passed me over for the executive chef

spot when I was clearly the obvious choice.

This ham is wet. I won't even ask.

Anyway, words were exchanged.

Some food became airborne.

This happens to be the most incredible raspberry souffle you will ever taste in

your life. And this big oinker tells me that I will never work in this town

again. All because a woman.

tried to bust one of the great bastions of male chauvinism, the French kitchen.

Oh, here we go.

It's the all -I -can't -get -ahead -because -I'm -a -woman excuse.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe you didn't get to be executive chef because

the man was more qualified?

That maybe the man had a better sense of responsibility and that the man could

be counted on to stick around?

and not take off and leave people with nothing more than a few feeble words

scribbled onto a disgusting piece of cheap stationery.

Um, you'll have to excuse him. The chef here was Jack's girlfriend, and last

night she up and went to Paris.

Really?

Usually they just move to the other side of town.

All the way to France, huh?

You must be a real catch.

You have a little piece of raw meat in your hair.

It looks somehow right.

Okay, who's in charge here? Oh, no, you again. Can it get any worse?

You've got to stand in this port order. The guy who shucks clams at the oyster

bar told me she's split to France. La la.

So, uh, who's going to take these duties?

I will. All right, I'm out of here. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just a minute. You

pay until we inspect the merchandise.

What are you trying to pull here, huh?

What do you mean?

You call this fresh?

Their eyes are cloudy, their gills are cut out. Wear their little medic alert

bracelets.

How could you want them to look, huh? They're dead.

Listen, pal, and listen carefully.

The people in this restaurant deserve the best we have to offer.

Look at this one.

Bravo. Probably got up at daybreak to make her family breakfast, and then she

goes off to work where she's paid just enough to cover the cost of child care.

Then she comes home at the end of the day to a house full of unmade beds and

dirty dishes because her husband doesn't help her with the housework.

Don't you think the least we could do is give this woman a decent piece of fish

to help her forget the burdens of her life?

Actually, I'm a prostitute.

to make a point. Are you a man?

Oh, yeah. Ask around.

Well, you are what is wrong with the planet. I don't want your rock. Hey!

You tried to cheat me. Nobody cheats Santa Paladino. You got that?

Hey, hey! Assault the battery. Mental anguish. Now I'm scared of fish. I got a

lawsuit here, lady.

You got...

It's in there.

Don't hurt me.

What are you looking at? Who said you could look at me?

Who's looking?

What's to see?

Oh, she's a wild girl.

Very wild.

Well, their kids will be short, but they'll be peppy.

Let me ask you, how would you go about making an impression on someone like

Well, as you know, I'm at an advantage looking the way I look.

And then there's that whole monologue I do from Glengarry Glen Ross.

Good icebreaker, huh?

But for an average guy like yourself, I think the most important thing is to

find some common ground.

Women like it when you ask questions about themselves.

Of course, then you have to listen to all their crap, but, hey, that's the

of admission.

All right.

Wish me luck, huh?

Good luck.

Come on, Jack.

You have to forget about Wally. I have.

Boy, it's really good.

I can't eat.

I keep thinking about Wally.

I think she's going to come back.

All right.

I want you to listen to me, Jack.

I don't want to have to do this.

But there's something you need to know about Wally. Something I never told you.

In fact, I'm not sure I should even tell you now.

Meg, you can't start something like that and not finish it. What are you talking

about? All right, Jack.

Wally... Wally voted for Perot.

Oh, my God.

and eye coordination.

I bet you could drive one of those long fire trucks.

Henry!

By the way, I read that Dennis Weaver, he built an entire house out of mud, tin

cans, and left over old tires.

There's an environmentalist, huh?

You ever wonder what it'd be like going to dinner at his house?

I'm sorry, we can't eat in the dining room tonight. It's got a flat.

It's a joke. I don't really think that would happen.

What the hell are you doing, man?

What?

You're talking to the talent.

Hey, don't talk to the talent.

Now, if you want to talk to the talent, you've got to go through me. Now, get

back out there and let the woman do her work.

How do you feel? Oh, you seem a little tense.

Yeah, I am, Ava. I'm a little tense tonight. I know you're depending on me,

I don't want to let you down.

Well, you've got to stay loose.

Are you hot?

Henry, Henry, Fanny, Nadine, ice water for the woman.

Wally never put that much garlic on the duck. How is that helping? I'm just

saying.

God, isn't it fair?

Look at all those people out there.

They followed me from the other restaurant.

How did they find me so fast?

I'm not ready.

The menu isn't right. The kitchen's too small. The green peppers are hideous,

hideous. That one looks like my cousin Helene.

Looks like someone has a little case of stage fright. A little?

Don't you understand?

I finally get a chance to put my own stamp on a restaurant, and they show up

soon. Do you know who those people are out there?

Paying customers.

No. They're the foodies.

They run from restaurant to restaurant, just waiting to judge you. And if you

blow it, they're off to the next place, and you're finished, the lousy vultures.

Well, I can play their little game.

You going steady with that duck?

Use your fork.

Is there a problem here?

No, why?

You're not eating your snapper. I don't want it.

You don't like it?

I'm just not hungry.

So you order food with no intention of eating it?

People notice that. They think something's wrong with the snapper and

don't order it. And then the review comes out and I lose a star because of

snapper. I really can't afford something like that happening. I have way too

much at stake here.

What was I thinking, just running from one disaster to the other?

I'm always doing things like this.

But it doesn't work.

I have no one to blame but myself.

I'd try to blame you, but you're such a wreck already, there'd be no fun in

that.

all comes back to me.

Big mouth me.

Boy, life is a lot easier if you can avoid never putting yourself on the

Tell me about it.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention for a moment?

Some of you may have noticed that I didn't eat my snapper.

Let me just say that this very accomplished chef has done a heck of a

Really.

And if my day had gone a little differently, I would be enjoying it

But you see, my girlfriend left me today.

And you know, it's funny. I never saw it coming. Jack.

I don't know. Maybe it was me.

Maybe I just didn't pay attention to the signals.

Boy.

I really put myself on the line, too.

You know, I was never in love before.

Sit down, you drunk!

Unbelievable.

All the snapper is gone.

I think they ordered it out of sympathy.

Anybody want coffee? I'm buying.

I'll take one, Dana.

All right.

Here you go, Bob.

She just called you Bob.

That's okay. I can be Bob.

Hey, Dana, you just called him Bob, not his name.

Mm -hmm.

Is it Carl?

No, but, you know, that's fine.

Glenn?

Not Glenn, no.

Alan is a very popular name.

So, Jack, time to go home.

Let's walk uptown together.

Maybe stop at Three Guys from Greece and see what's turning in the pie carousel.

Nah, I think I'm just going to hang around here for a while longer.

I don't feel like going home yet.

Okay. Suit yourself.

But, Jack, I think you should do yourself a favor and get to know the new

little better.

She could be good for you.

You don't know.

I do know.

I'm your best friend.

And I just want to point out...

That she's shorter than you are, Jack.

What are the odds of a woman like that coming into your life?

Over the age of ten.

Think about it.

Come on, Dick.

Shut up.

You did?

Yes. It was the least I could do.

I mean, I really wanted to thank you for standing up in front of everybody and

making such a fool of yourself tonight.

You really took all the focus off my own craziness.

Hey, no problem.

Creating a diversion into public place is one of my special skills.

Hey, this is my favorite, macaroni and cheese.

I figured you for the type.

Only, no, you got the top real brown and crunchy. Not everybody can do that.

I know.

I'm very talented.

So, I guess you'd call this a temporary ceasefire, which is a good thing, since

you're going to be working here now, and this is my hangout.

Well, actually, I'm not sure all today.

I just need to prove something to myself, and tonight I did.

Oh, that's right.

You women aren't in anything long -term anymore.

So, are you flying off to France, too?

I heard they built this big resort just for women who can't make a commitment.

Be sure and mention my name, you'll get a discount.

From what I gather, you're not the one who should be giving lectures.

Only in love once, and you're how old?

Seems to me that your track record's not much better than mine.

Come on, who are you going home to tonight?

His name is James.

He's my cat.

Oh.

You know, Jack, you really got to get back in the saddle again.

No. No.

That's it for me.

I'm sure of it.

But I could kiss you right now.

And I guarantee your toes would curl.

Your heart would stomp.

And for a few blindingly euphoric seconds, you would forget that woman's

I'll never be able to forget about it.

Wally. I knew that.

See? You're right.

Oh, that was love.

Oh, come on.

I probably just saved your life.

Give me a break.

I'm in a very vulnerable state.

I called my mother today and it wasn't even a holiday.

Yeah, yeah. Tell yourself whatever you need.

That's it.

I'm out of here. You're really going to go home? You don't want me to set you up

a cot right here?

Eat dirt.

You wish.

So... You staying or what?

Maybe.

For a little while.

Hi, Dana.

I'm home.

Oh, Dana, you know I'm ticklish here. Don't start.

Dana! How are you?

Born a Sarah, Dana.

Dana!

Going my way?

What the hell was that?