Original subtitles

Now that's going to swell up.

My God, they're kicking off his pants. Oh, now that's humiliating. How's he

going to be able to walk down the street again with dick in him?

Oh, heads up, heads up.

Go ahead and run, you jackals!

But you can't stop me or the freedom of the press!

God, it was a vicious mob.

Didn't you hear me out there? Why didn't you help?

Well, I don't know, Jack. I guess we figured you should be able to handle

old ladies.

They weren't old ladies.

They were big Shirley Dowagers with large handbags and a lot of heavy, blunt

jewelry.

Well, Jack, I hate to say I told you so, but when you write a column about how

the wealthy should pay all the taxes, you gotta expect some backlash.

And, uh, by the way, if you had a beer in your hand, you'd look just like my

father.

Oh, my God, what happened to you? Oh, Wally, a pack of angry readers attacked

me. Wow, they really roughed you up.

What is this mark here?

Well, this looks like quilting.

Jack, were you hit in the face with a Chanel bag?

Oh, man, Chip.

Is she pretending to be blind?

Hoo -ah!

fooled you, didn't I?

Okay, I'll be the jerk who bites. What's this all about, Kip? I am on my way to

Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Next week, I am being tested for the TV

of Scent of a Woman.

For Al's part, of course.

But it's not going to be easy. There are two other guys up for the part.

So?

They're both really blind.

Anyway, if I want this part, I'd better stay in character.

How about it, Red?

Want a tango?

I'd rather put blintz. between my knees and run through an explosives factory.

Oh! Oh! Look who's here! My baby! My little baby's here!

Why aren't you in Boston at school? Are you suspended again?

Oh, I don't care.

It's just so good to see you.

Look at you.

Still the face of an angel.

So youthful and brimming with life and...

dressed like you have an appointment to smoke reefers in the village.

Oh, wait.

Mom, are you determined to embarrass me for the rest of my existence? Of course,

dear. I'm your mother. Now, who's this?

John Grant from Mrs. Berkus. I was in attendance when your husband was

by the grand jury for insider trading.

Remember, Mom, John was one of the men that put Daddy away.

He was the nice one who loosened his handcuffs.

I'm sorry it worked out that way, ma 'am. It's nothing personal. I liked your

husband, and he very generously recommended a mutual fund that's doing

well for me.

John's all, like, brilliant.

A boy wonder with the Security Exchange Commission.

And as of this afternoon, my husband... I'm sorry, what did you just say, dear?

We got married at City Hall this afternoon.

Mother, are you all right? Didn't you hear what I said? Yes, of course I heard

what you said.

You just forgive me if I'm a little distracted here.

I was running through the list of various ways to kill myself. What do you

you got...

Mother, calm down. All we did was get married. It's not like we let the

use the bathroom in the house or anything.

Oh, I see. Well, really, that puts it all in perspective, doesn't it?

Mother, who are those people, and why are they staring at us?

Everyone, I'd like you to meet my lovely 19 -year -old daughter, Guinevere, and

her new husband, a conniving little fed.

I usually wear pants.

John, I think maybe we should go now and give my mother a chance to adjust to

the news. Adjust?

Just a minute here. There is no adjusting.

The only reason I had you was so that I could go to your wedding.

Now, you believe me when I tell you this, Missy.

You are not going to cheat me out of seeing you marry the way God intended.

big pink and white striped tent on a green lawn. Do I make myself understood?

What the hell?

There'll be presents.

Now you two run off and have a really fun afternoon. I'll start making all the

arrangements.

It was nice meeting you again, Mrs. Berkus.

Should I say, Mom?

Oh, Nadine, I know things look kind of bleak now, but...

But... Nadine, let's face it, there is no bright side.

But if there's anything that we can do to help you... Oh, yeah.

No,

I'm just overwhelmed with... How can I afford this wedding? I got two kids in

college, and my husband's behind bars.

The state only pays him 17 cents an hour. How much rumaki do you think I

get for that?

I'm just gonna have to hope that somewhere, someplace out there, there's

caterer who'll take pity on me.

Nadine, if you're thinking about asking me to cater the wedding, I'm not sure

that's such a good idea. Oh, I know. You're my boss. Yeah, it would be really

awkward for me to employ you. Yeah.

Oh, God, why did Charles have to get caught?

Why couldn't he have just stashed some of that money away in a Swiss bank

account? I mean, isn't that what the really, really smart crooks do?

Although there might be some way we can work something out. Oh, yes, oh, yes.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Wally, how will I ever repay you? Just don't complain about the food like every

other mother of the bride does. And don't make me eat alone in the kitchen.

right, dear, absolutely.

Just remember this. Anything with salmon is such a cliche.

Be much more imaginative. I'm going to call Charles now. They have to let him

out for his own daughter's wedding.

Oh, oh, everyone.

On Saturday afternoon, you are all cordially invited to the home of Mr. and

Charles Berkus in Croton -on -Hudson for the wedding of their daughter,

Guinevere, to John... Somebody or other.

Man, Croton -on -Hudson. Isn't that in Westchester?

The land of many tennis courts?

Forty -two years I've avoided ever stepping foot in that place.

What if I go and I drink their water and I start pining for the Reagan years?

I've got my own problems to deal with. Catering a wedding is a no -win

situation. People are always too critical, and no matter how much money

them, they always complain about the bill.

And I suppose now this means I have to buy them a gift.

The part I hate.

I walk into those bridal departments and they have things like chafing dishes,

relish trays, pickle boats, shrimp forks. What the hell do I know about

stuff? I eat out of jars.

Do you guys think it'd be all right if I brought a date to the wedding?

I'm considering bringing my friend Catherine from the phone company.

That woman you met here on Valentine's Day? I didn't know you were dating her.

Well, I'm not.

I'm just trying to get up the nerve to ask her out.

I'm scared, really. Of what?

She might say yes.

What then?

I'm in a whole new territory.

I mean, it's been a long time.

Are risk corsages still in?

You know, Ray, if I were you, I'd think real hard about asking a woman to a

wedding on the first date.

Next thing you know, you've got yourself a whole new set of irritating

relatives. Believe me, I know.

Wait a minute, Abe. What are you saying? You were married?

Oh, yeah, twice.

Really? To the same woman. How the hell did that happen?

No short -term memory.

Oh, yeah, me and weddings are bad news.

I just have to see a three -tiered cake and I start getting flashbacks.

How are we going to get there?

Maybe we could all chip in and rent a car. Good idea.

You think there'll be a handicap parking?

Now he can remember to make a knuckle. They could go awfully fast.

Yes, Nadine.

And did you think about the cocktail napkins? I don't want people leaving

rings on my hutch. Oh, yes, Nadine. Oh, I'll bet you forgot to plug in the

coffee urn. Where's the salmon? I don't see any salmon here. You said you didn't

want salmon. Would you calm down, please?

I am the one with the daughter getting married today, not you.

Nadine, shouldn't you be getting dressed?

Oh, God, you're right. Oh, yes. Oh, absolutely.

I want to look good when Charles gets here.

I know how much his cellmate works out. I'm going to send Arthur down to answer

the door for the guest. He's just sitting in his bedroom staring at his

tank. There haven't been any fish in there since he was 14 years old.

Arthur!

The fish are never coming back!

Get down from there!

Hi, Jack. Hi, honey.

So, this is Westchester.

Well, I haven't seen lawn jockeys in a long time.

At least they're white.

Where is everybody?

All packed into a rent -a -car.

Ray was driving. But he's not used to being behind the wheel of anything

a garbage truck.

He kept drifting over to the curb and slowing down every 20 yards.

Why did I not take the train?

Anything I can do to help you?

Yes, you could hire another caterer.

Or you could answer the door until Nadine's son comes downstairs.

That I can do.

Didn't mean to jump like that.

I just didn't hear you come down.

So, uh... You must be Nadine's son.

Hi, I'm Jack Stein.

You know, Jack, there are mites that are living in our eyebrows, and no matter

what you do, you can't get rid of them.

Sometimes I feel them moving around, crossing over from one eyebrow to the

other.

A steady migration, like the Central Europeans who came to our shores to

religious persecution.

Wally!

I'll get it.

Hi, you here for the wedding?

Yes, we are. Who are you? I'm Jack Stein. I'm a friend of the bride's

Oh, Jack Stein. I've heard all about you. Jack?

He must be Charles.

Yes, sir, Charles Berkus.

And I'd like to introduce you to Phil Polito.

Phil's with the outfit that I am currently with, if you know what I mean.

Phil can be dispensed with the jewelry.

I just had to make sure I wasn't walking into a trap.

I keep telling Phil, this is the county of Westchester, not the Badlands.

Take a look at the lawns out there, Phil.

For God's sakes, this is the cradle of civilization.

And who is this?

Is this my son?

Is this the fruit of my loins? Is this Arthur?

It's Pop.

How about a big old Berkus bear hug Art Haruni?

Come on, boy.

You can do it, Art, like Christmas that time. Yeah.

Yeah, Art. Oh, my boy.

You know, the mouth is the filthiest part of the body.

Do you think we have time to go upstairs?

At least seven minutes. That's all I need. I know, dear.

We'll walk, we'll walk.

It's making way. I need to lobby.

Where the hell is the punch bowl?

Don't you see?

The punch bowl doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

We're all going to end up in the ground with worms crawling through our eye

sockets.

He is a bit of a philosopher to me.

Hey. Hey, you. What?

Didn't I just see you at Yankee Stadium selling peanuts a few weeks ago?

Yeah, they gave me the boot. That Steinbrenner added in for me.

At least that's what I'm saying in court.

What are you doing here?

I'm a roadie for the band.

You mean the string quartet?

Yeah, whatever. Look, someone's got to unfold their chairs and line up the

chicks for after, huh?

signal. You know, Meg, that voice of yours takes on a whole different quality

when it's bouncing off the insides of a Toyota Tercel.

What are you complaining about? At least you weren't squashed in the backseat

sitting next to him. Was it really necessary to ask me to describe

were driving past?

Oh, if only I had appreciated the beauty of the world when I could see.

By the way, on the way home, I'm driving. Oh, no, you're not. All right,

right, all right. Can we pull it together, please? We're in Westchester.

People don't argue here. They just let gophers loose on each other's lawns.

I'm going to find the bar.

Abe, would you lead me to the bar?

Okay. But if I slam you into a few walls, it's for your own good.

So, here we are.

At a wedding, of all places. Yeah.

You know, this is the first time I've seen you out of uniform.

So, what do you think?

I think you look pretty nice.

Yeah?

Can I get you a nice tea or a lemonade or something?

No, Ray. I'd like a drink.

Oh, yeah.

Looks like Ray's pretty serious about this girl. Yeah, well, it's the

atmosphere. People get affected by weddings. They start romanticizing the

of marriage and forget what a tough road it is. Yeah, isn't that the truth?

Yeah.

Wally, will you marry me?

Jack, that's the second time you've proposed to me in the last two months.

It's just the ice swan and the smell of gardenias.

You have to fight it, honey. Wally, all I want is what's best for you. And

what's best for you is me.

Jack, do you have any idea how many people decide to get married while

at someone else's wedding and that someone else got married because they

someone else's wedding? And it just gets passed on and on like a bad fruitcake

at Christmas.

Kip proposed to you at a wedding, didn't he?

Yes.

Unbelievable.

Wally, you really have to write a list of his maneuvers so I don't keep making

his mistakes.

And I am not Kip.

And here's what you can tell.

I am much shorter, and I have a steady job.

And I can see.

These kids look pretty serious.

Oh, I hate what I got them.

What'd you get?

A whole pregnancy kit.

You think that was in questionable taste?

I think I'm going to go outside and push over a lawn jockey.

You know, the worst thing about it is you can't see anything.

Excuse me.

You got a lot of nerve coming into our territory after shooting your mouth off

about how we should pay all the taxes.

Do you know how much a tune -up on a Mercedes is?

Probably a little more than a public school teacher makes in a year.

That's right.

Now you're getting the picture.

Now you're feeling the pain.

Let's go, boys.

Excuse me. Would you like a little assistance finding a seat?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm used to getting along on my own. Even though I've lost

cent, the others have become heightened.

For instance, you're wearing shalimar on the nape of your neck.

That's exactly right.

And I'll bet you're wearing a red dress.

I am.

I can feel the passionate color.

Oh, yeah.

I have developed senses that most other men could only dream about.

Really?

Where have you been, Nadine? You've been gone

for over an hour. I know.

It was a miracle.

Hey, Dean, I don't want to know you this well.

Listen, now, before you sit down, you doing anything later? The cellist sticks

you.

Hey, you all right?

This music is starting to get to me.

It wasn't all her fault, you know.

I'm not that easy to live with.

I never used to rinse the dishes before I put them in the dishwasher.

The egg would harden and she would have to scrape it off with a knife.

I was so damn thoughtless.

Tell me if this is going to get worse because I'll change my seat.

Captain, I have to admit I was a little bit nervous asking you to a wedding for

a first date.

I mean, some people might get the wrong impression.

Oh, don't worry. I didn't read anything into it.

I do love weddings, though.

I'd like to have one just like this.

I don't know.

It's pretty fancy.

I'd like to have a house like this, too.

Really?

It's pretty big.

Oh, I don't think so. Not for this area.

This is the area that I'd like to live in.

Gee, Kevin, it's awfully expensive here.

You could get a second job.

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family, we are gathered here this

celebrate the marriage of Guinevere Berkus to John Grantham. I understand

that you, Guinevere, and you, John, have written your own vows.

Look

at them.

They're so young.

You should really know each other very well before you make a lifelong

commitment.

We know each other very well.

Oh, really?

Where do you stand on the whole children issue? Do you want them?

I don't know. Do you? And what about private school versus public school?

Well, of course they'll go to public school.

They? How many children are we talking about, Jack?

And then there was a time I got mad and took all of the tires off of her car.

What kind of monster would do that, mate?

I wonder where she is right now.

Hitchhiking.

But my mother's all alone, Ray, and if I move out of New York City, she'll have

to live with us.

You can build an apartment over the garage.

There's no air in this tent.

You should open a flap or something.

Just answer me one question. Do you or don't you believe in God?

I do.

I just have a problem with organized religion.

What does that mean? My son won't be bar mitzvahed?

Well, that looks like everybody.

Then you know what that means, Charles.

Oh, no, Charles.

Goodbye, Nadine.

Goodbye, Princess.

So long, Scooter.

I mean, the hill out of here, Phil.

Let's use the twirly light, okay?

You

know

what, Nadine?

You've had a pretty emotional day. Why don't you go upstairs and relax?

Jack and I will take care of everything down here.

Really, Wally? Oh, you are such a dear friend. Oh, don't forget to leave me

bill. Oh, I have it right here.

You know this has been such a perfect day.

And this really tops it off.

Thanks for nothing, you rotten little bloodsucker.

Well, let me compliment you on your amazing self -control.

Oh, I feel bad for her. She has to go upstairs now and sleep alone.

I've gotten you.

You do have me, Wally.

How come I don't have you?

Honey, it's getting late.

Come on, come on. Wally, Wally, look.

Why won't you marry me?

Jack, you have wedding fever.

And I have very cold feet.

Look, it's not like I ask people to marry me every day.

And every time you say no, it hurts just enough to make me think about it for

the next time. I know. I know you're serious.

And I know I'm taking a very big risk every time I turn you down, because if

were me, eventually I'd stop asking.

Here's what a glutton for punishment I am.

Wally, will you marry me?

Oh, God.

The scent of gardenia is overwhelming.

Wally. And you have that look in your eyes that always makes me give you the

last french fry on my plate.

Can I think about it?

For a week, maybe?

Well, you didn't say no.

All right.

I definitely made some progress here.

Oh.

Oh,

Jack.

Jack? I think we're lying on top of something.

It's me, Arthur.

You know, I've never felt more stimulated in my entire life.