Original subtitles

Hey. Hey.

You know, every now and then there's a moment in a sports writer's career when

she feels the magic, realizes that she's chosen the right road for herself, but

hear me when I tell you that covering the Fixit and Seniors bowling tour ain't

one of those moments.

I'll take a coffee, Abe, and maybe corn on the cob just to rejoice in my good

fortune.

Ray, what are you doing?

What? What were you just looking at?

I wasn't looking at anything.

I think you were.

I think you were looking at my tush.

Get out of here. You were, Ray. I bent over, I turned around, and I saw your

eyes there.

Well, what if he was looking? I wasn't. I think you were. I knew it.

What's going on?

Old Ray looked at Meg's butt.

Oh, Ray.

I glanced.

Oh, so now... you've gone from complete denial to admitting to a glance. Ray,

what would make you do such a thing?

What did I do?

They just don't get it, do they?

You know, I'm shocked, Ray, and more than a little confused.

Is this the first time?

Yeah. His eyes darted. He's lying.

Have you glanced at Nadine?

Come on. Why would I glance at Nadine? Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

So what you're saying is it's just me. You just do this to me. Oh, no, no, no,

no. It's not just you.

He glances.

Oh, yeah, I've seen it.

He's a glancer. Hey, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. We all

from time to time.

Did you ever look at me?

Okay, last dinner order's up.

Abe, let me ask you something.

If I wanted to duck out a little early tonight, would you mind?

Hey, no problem.

What's going on?

Well, Jack and I haven't been able to spend very much time together lately, so

I've got kind of a special evening plan, if you know what I mean.

Hey, I can save you the trouble. Why don't you just walk by Ray?

Hi. Hi, honey.

I've got everything wrapped up here so we can do a little of our own cooking at

home, a late dinner by the fireplace, me wearing the thing with the thing.

I've been thinking about that all day. And you finished your column, right?

I'll do it in the morning.

All I could think about was you wearing the thing with the thing.

Good. I'll be right back.

Nadine, quick.

Give me a few aspirins, a cold cloth, some brandy and a bit.

Uh -oh. Sounds like somebody's coming down with the flu. I'm thinking plague.

I'm dying here.

Oh, you poor thing.

I'd love to help you out, but...

I'm pretty sure that at some point in our relationship, you've caressed my

buttocks with your eyes, so frankly, you're on your own, pal.

Should I be asking any follow -up questions to you?

No.

Okay. I've got dinner all packed up, that pasta you love with the cream sauce

and the prosciutto, and a huge piece of chocolate fudge cake with almond paste

filling.

Oh, that sounds good.

But you know what's even more romantic than that?

Toast and broth.

You have any of that?

Jack, are you all right? Hey, uh -huh. You're sweating.

I'm fine. I just had a long day, that's all.

Come on, I'm ready to bounce back.

So you be prepared, my little puff pastry.

All I need is the night we've been planning.

That's what's gonna make me feel better.

This bed, it's like I'm lying in a rock quarry. And these sheets, they're like,

they're like sandpaper.

You ever notice that?

Is it excessively bright in here?

Honey, before you shred the good Ralph Lauren sheets I bought you, I want you

sit up and have some tea.

Tea is not going to help me now, Wally.

I think I have malaria with a little collar on the side.

Jack, I wouldn't start picking out your headstone yet. I think you just have the

flu.

It doesn't matter what I have. I'm in big trouble.

If I don't get this column finished, they're going to let that little worm

Rogers write it. He's been biding his time down an obituary just waiting for

opportunity like this.

I see him at his desk, sneaking looks at me, probably honing some stupid think

piece on France's love affair with the bidet.

Well, Jack, if you're this sick, let's call your doctor.

I don't have one.

Look, I don't see any point to it.

They always say the same thing.

Rest, drink plenty of fluids.

And is this your current billing address?

Oh, my God. How can you not have a doctor? People living in this century

doctors, Jack. I have a doctor.

Not that I ever need one. And you know why?

Because I have a positive attitude, and I never give in to an illness.

Oh, I hate for you to see me this way.

You go.

One of us should live.

But, Wally,

If I do die, I want you to know that in heaven, I'll only date casually until

you get there.

I'm not leaving, Jack.

Just don't throw up on me. That's all I ask.

Now, what do you need?

Well, my special sweatshirt. The one I always use to sweat out the fever.

It's in the closet.

I'll get it.

Oh,

oh, oh, Wally.

Wally, a heavy blanket. I'm cold.

I'm so cold.

Oh, but I do need some fresh air. So could you please open that window?

Oh, of course.

Oh, God.

Not so much. I'm going to get a chill.

Okay.

Well, now I'm not getting anything.

Molly, can you just open it enough just for a breeze?

That's a gust.

Do you want to kill me? I'm thinking about it.

I'm feeling guilty now.

I want you to go home. I mean it.

Are you sure?

I'm positive. Go, please.

Well, if that's what you want, I'll call you as soon as I get home.

So, you're really going?

Oh, for God's sakes, Jack, just tell me what you want me to do. I'm here for you

with an open heart, damn it.

Let's just get on with it.

If you don't mind, can I have some fruit cocktail?

Fruit cocktail?

Well, whenever I'm sick, it makes me feel better.

There's a little can in the back of the fridge next to the tartar sauce.

Fine.

Molly!

And could you put it in the little yellow bowl with the crack in it?

It's my sick bowl.

You know...

They say women are the weaker sex, but we're the ones who deliver babies in the

middle of the field, get up, and then plant ten more rows of rice.

All right, that didn't happen to me personally. I'm just making a point.

I'm just saying it's very clear who's the strong one around here.

Wake up.

I'm sick.

What? I'm sick.

What? What's wrong?

I feel like someone's square dancing in my head.

You gave it to me.

How could you do this?

How do you know I gave it to you? Maybe you gave it to me. Hey, you had it

first. How could I give it to you?

Maybe you took longer to incubate because of your positive attitude.

Dr. Phillips, please.

Phillips? If a doctor isn't Jewish, are you insane?

Quiet. I can't hear over you and the ringing in my ears. Oh, man, I'm dying.

You're not as sick as I am. I have a throat thing.

I think I'm getting that.

Oh, hello, Dr. Phillips. This is Wally Porter.

I'm feeling really terrible, and I absolutely have to be at my restaurant

so... Headache, joints ache, fever, sore throat, itchy eyes.

Ah, fluids.

Rest in bed.

Fruit cocktail?

Uh -huh.

Yes, my insurance is up to date.

Oh, my God, it's almost 102.

I've got to get better by five. Our special tonight is the cassoulet. It's a

really complicated dish.

So let Henry make it.

Oh, okay.

And then maybe when he's done, he can fix the hole in the ozone layer.

Jack, not everyone can do what we do.

You want that weasel from obituaries writing your column?

You're right. You're right.

Maybe some food would make us feel better.

There's some takeout menus in the nightstand.

Jack, what's this?

Custer's last bang?

It's a documentary.

About General George Custer and the Battle of Little Bighorn.

Actually, it's about what happened the night before.

I think it won a Peabody.

Oh, please.

Let's just order some soup from the deli. Sounds good. Chicken soup.

Just like my mother never could be bothered to make.

Custer's last bang?

Hi, Jack Stein.

Listen, uh, I need a quart of chicken soup delivered.

Anything else? No. Oh, wait. Some ginger ale. And some ginger ale. Oh, and the

new bazaar. Oh, and some aspirin and hand lotion.

Molly, this is a deli.

Well, just have the delivery boy pick it up and offer him a big tip.

Is the delivery guy there?

This isn't even a very good -looking custer.

And look, Sitting Bull's wearing a watch.

We're sick in bed over here, and I'll make it worth your while if you pick up

few extra things.

Listen, a bazaar, aspirin, hand lotion, I'll take a Sports Illustrated, some

heavy wool socks.

Do you like Scrabble?

And a game of Scrabble.

You got that?

Believe me, you'll be amply rewarded.

All right.

There.

Now, let's just settle in, relax.

Make yourself comfortable.

Wow.

My feet are cold.

Don't start, Wally.

Let me just put them on you for a minute. Just a minute. Wally, look.

I know all about those feet.

They're like blocks of ice at the ends of your legs.

Don't touch me.

I thought you said you loved me.

Come on, just for a second.

Tell the guy with the soup. It's been almost an hour.

I know what we need. A little daytime television.

That'll give us a reason to live.

Oh, God.

What? The remote.

The remote's gone.

Where is the remote?

I don't know where it is. Wally, we've got to find it.

I thought you said you couldn't move.

Wally, the remote's gone.

Jack, you're right there by the television. Just turn it on.

And then what? Get up and down every time I want to change the channel?

What are we, barbarians?

We'll pick one show and we'll stick with it. Oh, wow, you are sick.

Oh, God.

Here it is.

The remote.

Ah, the remote.

Just turn it on, please.

Jack, slow down. You're not giving me enough time to say anything.

Give it to me, please.

Okay.

But handle it carefully. It's not a toy.

Okay.

This looks good.

It's the first thing you land at all. I guess I'm good at this.

I like this show.

Oprah's doing botched facelifts.

Look at that woman.

There's no space between her mouth and her nose.

Look at that one.

The woman's skin is pulled so tight she has to wink with her upper lip.

Okay, we've seen the botched facelifts. Let's change this.

No, no, no. We've seen the facelifts. But now Oprah's going to ask the women

they feel about them.

I could save us some time here, Wally.

They feel bad.

They feel very bad.

Now change it.

Okay, but I'm coming back.

What luck, the three stooges.

Look, Moe is coming into the room with a plank.

Moe's in a bad mood, and he's carrying a drill.

Why don't they run?

What strange hold does Moe have over them?

Wally, there are not a lot of stooges out there.

If you meet a couple you get along with, you stick with them.

I don't get it.

Finally.

I'll stop this here.

I'll go.

Oh, Jack, the remote. The remote.

I'm glad you're here. They didn't have no Scrabble, so I got Twister instead.

What do I want with Twister?

I have the flu. I could barely move.

Wait a minute. Don't I know you?

Don't you work behind the candy counter at the Claremont Theater?

I got fired. They said I had a bad attitude.

Screw them.

All right. What do I owe you?

$37 .68, not including tip.

Oh, jeez, I only got 32 bucks.

You gotta be kidding.

Wait here, I'll just check in the other room. No, no, no, wait, I'm coming with

you. I don't want you running down a fire escape.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna flee my own apartment and leave it with you.

What do you think's happening?

Last night, a guy didn't have enough money for a turkey sandwich, so he

me a wipe.

What are you looking at?

What's going on, Pat?

Do you have any money?

No, I was supposed to go to the cash machine this morning.

All right. So I have to work something out. So pick anything you want. I got

baseball cards, a clock radio, a moon rock.

Oh, how about this?

Nah, I'm in it.

It's four o 'clock. What am I going to do about my column?

Do you think you can finish it in time?

Yes, but it's going to be a little short.

But that may not be a problem.

Not if they run a bigger picture of me, cheat the margins, and then run it in

the classifieds.

All right, I give up.

I am too sick to do this.

I admit it.

Oh, honey.

Yeah.

Hi, it's me.

Sick as a dog.

Go with Rogers.

What was that, his little pig -like squeal of joy in the background?

All right, I'll call in later.

Eight years I've been writing that column. I have never, ever missed a

I know, that was really hard.

It was.

Now, I want you to do the same thing.

Oh, no.

I can't stay home tonight, Jack. The restaurant will fall apart.

You have a temperature of 147.

You're sick. It's not a crime to admit it.

Jack, every penny I have is in that place.

It has to be perfect. And those people aren't nearly ready to take over yet.

no. I have to go to work.

I just need to steady myself.

Do you have a cane?

You know, this is crazy, Mary Margaret.

You're one of my best friends in the world. We can't go on like this.

I don't know who you are anymore, Ray.

Okay. All right.

I'll come clean.

I guess I did look.

It was... It was just there.

My eyes fell upon it.

Why?

You look nice. My God, it just keeps getting worse.

But I swear to you, Mary Margaret, it didn't mean anything.

You have to give me a chance to earn your trust back again. And I promise

never happen again.

All right.

I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna go to the head now, Ray.

Prepare yourself.

to even know it.

You know, you may have a problem.

Molly, I am telling you, you are not up to this.

How can you cook for a room full of people? You need help blinking.

All right, everybody.

It's me.

I'm here.

Let's get going.

I'll bet you didn't soak the beans for my cassoulet.

Excuse me? Let me see if they're hard. Hard beans are bad.

Is it cold in here? Wally, dear, what are you doing? You should be home in

This pot is very hot.

Well, what is that sauce? That's not part of the cassoulet. Um, I know, but

nobody can make a cassoulet like you, so we decided to substitute the apple

brandy pork chops. Uh, glazing brush, Henry, please. Thank you. The chops?

Well, did you make sure to score the chops before they were marinated? Yes.

And did you reduce the sauce until it begins to cling to a wooden spoon? Yes,

this is not a good place to stand.

You know, you have to cook the onions until they're translucent.

Well, duh.

Hey, this is pretty good. I told you, we don't need her.

Wally, dinner at the Blue Shamrock isn't going to be as good tonight without

you, but we'll get by.

You taught us pretty well. Now, would you do me a favor? Stop breathing on my

pork chops or I'm going to turn you into the health department.

Come on, honey, she is just the type who do it.

Don't forget to charge the people for the meals.

Okay, Wally, you stay in here or get us a cab.

Oh, Jack, Jack, I don't think we should stay together tonight.

What are you talking about? Who's going to take care of you? I'm okay. I can

take care of myself.

Wally, what in the hell is your problem?

You're sick.

You cannot take care of everything all the time.

I wish you would just let me take care of you for a change.

I'm sorry, Jack. I just don't feel comfortable having somebody take care of

You know, this is really ridiculous.

I mean, I'm not afraid to say I need you.

Why won't you let yourself need me?

Do you have to ask hard questions now, Jack? I just discovered I'm dispensable,

and it kind of threw me off balance.

I have to sit down.

You know, I'm not going to take off on you because you're not perfect.

And I do know you're not perfect, Wally.

I discovered that the day you told me that you thought that Roger Moore was

best James Bond.

I mean, if we got through that, we can get through this.

You know, Jack, I keep waiting for the big downside with you.

But aside from your love of seeing Moe put Curly's head in a drill press, it

never comes.

It's like I keep telling you, Wally.

I'm the greatest man who ever lived.

If you just accept that, your life would be a lot simpler.

Come on.

Maybe I'll let you make me a cup of tea.

This is a good start.

And then maybe some fruit cocktail?

Fine.

And if I have to throw up, will you hold my head?

Just let me change out of these suede shoes.