Original subtitles

Nothing a woman can't do as well as a man. I defy you to name something. Wait,

wait, wait.

I got it, I got it, I got it. Let the man talk.

There's something only a man can do because we were born with something

our DNA.

Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Well, listen now, listen.

Only a man can play the rhythm part of washout.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about this.

Okay, come on.

Well, I hope you had a good time out there, Jack, because I have some news.

My parents have finally come back from Europe.

And they want to meet you.

Yeah, so?

Jack, maybe you didn't hear me.

My parents, they want to meet you.

And keep in mind, the last man I introduced them to was Kip.

So, as far as they're concerned, my credibility in the whole love area is

to hell.

What are you worried about? It's not that big of a deal.

I'm a charming, adorable guy.

And clearly the best thing's ever happened to you.

So if they're smart people, they'll see that.

Even if those smart people are named Fletch and Bitsy?

Ouch.

But, hey, being the charming, adorable guy you are, maybe you can see the

side. You'll have the honor of becoming the first Jewish person they've ever had

a relationship with.

Unless you want to count the time they rode on an escalator with Jackie Mason.

Okay, this is more of a challenge than I thought, but, Wally, we have to

remember, we are adults.

We don't need our parents' approval.

Maybe you don't, but it's important to me that my parents love you as much as I

do. Oh, I never really cared what my mother thought about the women I date.

Oh, really?

Then why haven't I met her yet?

Well, gee, Wally, my mother lives in Florida, and Florida's very, very far

They have different laws. I don't even know if she's allowed to leave.

You haven't told her about me, have you? What, are you kidding? I've told her.

I've told her.

She knows I'm not Jewish?

Hey, look, Wally, my mother's a very emotional person.

If I just bored something out like that, she might snap, charter a small boat,

and ask for asylum in Haiti.

Oh, this is just great.

And there's something else about my mother, Wally, something that I never

you.

Look, you don't know much about my family. You know that my father died of

heart attack in his 50s. But what you don't know is that not long after that,

mother began to change.

Well, she became a lounge singer.

Your mother performs in nightclubs?

Last week, she was the headliner at the Sunshine Village retirement home in Boca

Raton.

Wow.

So, now you know.

Yep.

Well, this is just wonderful, isn't it? Here we are, two adults, terrified to

introduce each other to our parents.

Well, I think there's only one way to deal with this. Have a dinner. You, me,

parents, and your mother. Just get it all over with at once.

You know, Wally, I always knew you were a little crazy, but there was a certain

amount of charm to it. Now I think a few hundred volts to the forehead once a

month is not such a bad idea.

We should do this, Jack, if for no other reason than to confront the situation.

I mean, if it doesn't go well, what are we going to do? Not see each other

anymore?

Oh, that's true.

These are our parents.

It's not like there's going to be a night fight.

Although you don't know my mother.

Excuse me, we're looking for Wallace Porter.

This can't be the right place, Fletch. Don't let the cab go.

There's two people I recognize.

Repeat. Daddy.

Wallace. Oh, Wallace, my darling daughter. I've missed you so much.

And just look at this place.

Yes, just look at it.

Nothing like your other place.

Shea Wally had carpet, and there was other art on the wall besides the

poster.

Well... I'm doing the best I can since the divorce.

Oh, Wallace, you're so senselessly independent.

Where do you get that from?

Oh, wow!

Oh, wow! Mom!

Dad!

Is he joking?

I haven't seen you in nearly a year.

That's right. We've been traveling through Europe. And, you know, it's the

strangest thing. No matter where we were, in a market in Budapest, in a

in Venice, I just couldn't shake the horrible, haunting feeling that at some

point I'd turn a corner and run into you.

Oh, I know what the problem is. You're still holding a grudge over that $5 ,000

I borrowed from you. You borrowed money from my parents?

Let me tell you, I have every intention of paying it back. It's just that right

now I only have Wally's alimony.

And to pay back your loan with her money.

Well, that's a little weird, isn't it?

I need a drink. I'm right behind you.

Don't follow us.

It's great to see them again, isn't it, Will?

You know, we'll always be family.

Don't threaten me.

Honey, hi. Hi. Oh, they just got here. Now, I don't want you to be nervous.

Just be natural.

Be yourself.

But don't bring up Clinton. They're still hoping for a recount.

Where are they?

Over there.

Oh.

Okay.

No surprises.

Your mother really looks like she could back a country squire down a three -mile

driveway.

Their ancestors didn't come in on a Mayflower. It's only because they're

for the boat that went directly to Palm Beach.

Come on, let's go meet them.

Mother, Daddy, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

This is Jack Stein.

Jack, I'd like you to meet my parents.

Fletch and Bitsy Porter.

Well, it is a real pleasure.

And let me just congratulate you on this daughter of yours.

You know, they say there's no such thing as love at first sight, but that's what

happened to me.

You know, I haven't had that many serious relationships in my life. I've

criticized for that, but it hasn't always been my fault.

But I am here for Wally, though, even though we are of two different

And you know, when you think about it, there's really not that much difference

between Jews and Episcopalians.

I mean, basically, it comes down to one guy, right?

Jack?

Well, I better stop talking now.

No, Jack, come on. It's not like I don't remember how awkward it is to meet

someone's parents for the first time, you know?

I'm not that old, you know, still healthy, fit, under the right

probably capable of breaking a man in half.

Oh, I believe that.

Daddy. I'm just making small talk, dear. You know, Jack,

I ran a TRW on you.

You pay your bills on time, but I notice here you defaulted on a student loan.

That was in protest over a grade.

I also noticed that you've only got a $1 ,500 limit on your visa card.

I had my bank raised to $2 ,500. See how you handle it? Maybe we'll bump you up

to $5 ,000.

Well, gee, that's a very thorough one.

Surprised you didn't call the library to find out if I was overdoing any books.

What a wonderful sense of humor.

Do you know Jackie Mason?

Mother!

Would you like another drink?

Oh, yes, please. Abe, my good friend Abe's been taking care of me. He knows

I like.

I'm sending the news.

I'm living today.

I'm gonna see my son Jack Stein in old New York.

Oh, great crowd.

I never played a wax museum before.

Mom!

My sweetheart.

What are you doing here? I was supposed to meet you at the hotel.

Now, what kind of a hello is that for a person who's been flying for four hours

next to an eight -year -old boy who wanted to know where babies come from?

I told him.

That'll teach him.

Now, who's this?

Okay, here we go.

Rose Stein, I'd like you to meet the Porters, Fletch, Bitsy. Who?

Fletch and Bitsy.

Not now, Mom, okay?

And this is their daughter, Wally. Nice to see you. Mrs. Stein, it's so lovely

to meet you.

I've heard so much about you, and I'm really looking forward to all of us

getting to know each other. You're not Jewish.

That's right.

I know.

Jack didn't tell you that.

Well, I just told her that I was dating somebody named Wally. I figured that

once she saw you weren't a man, she'd be so relieved the shiksa thing would go

right over her head.

Hey, you know what I think we ought to do?

I think you, Porter, should take my keys, go back to my place, and relax.

Jack, why don't you take your mother to your house, too?

to freshen up, and then we'll all meet up at my place at 8 o 'clock for dinner,

okay? Right on.

Maybe we should share a cab.

What did you say your name was again?

Bitsy.

You know, there's a funny story behind that name.

When I was born, I was so little, they called me Bitsy.

Oh.

Oh, that is some story.

But, sweetheart, you're bigger now.

Here's your tea, Mom.

Thank you.

It's some sort of herbal stuff.

Wally got rid of all the real tea and then brought in all sorts of... I mean,

it's not like, you know, she spends a lot of time here in the sense of

cohabitating or anything.

Oh. So I should just assume that what I thought was the diaphragm and the

medicine chest is really just a very small shower cap.

You looked in my medicine chest?

Honey, it's what I do.

Oh, come on, Jack. Not as though I didn't know you had sex.

You're 42 years old, for God's sake.

I mean, a person has needs.

Even I, having been widowed for 15 years, I take every opportunity.

Ma, ma, you know... I'm one of the few people in the city who's never been to

therapy. I'd like to keep it that way, okay?

This tastes like lawn clipping.

So, tell me about this girl of yours.

How serious is it?

The truth?

Yes.

Well, very.

Do you love her?

Ma, I think I loved her the first time I saw her.

Look, Ma, I know there's a problem with Wally.

But I want you to give her a chance. I want you to get to know her the way I

Wait a minute.

Are you asking for your mother's approval?

Approval? Me?

What, are you kidding?

Look, I know you would like that, but that's not my style.

I'm just telling you how great she is.

You know, I'd like you to, you know, acknowledge her greatness.

And... Oh, hell, I guess what I'm asking for is your blessing.

Wow.

The power.

Oh, I have to be careful here.

I do not want to abuse this opportunity.

Okay, you have my blessing. Oh, Ma.

Oh, I know that wasn't easy.

Oh, well, to tell you the truth, Jack, I don't spend as much time thinking about

your life as I used to.

I mean, I have my career and I have a step class that I'm very involved in.

So when's the wedding? The wedding?

We just recently felt comfortable enough to put our dirty clothes in the same

hamper. There's no rush here.

Oh, yes, there is.

Jack, you know...

When I got off the plane this afternoon, I went right out to the cemetery to

visit your father.

And I walked up to the grave and I sit there for a long time.

Trying to picture what he'd look like today.

I missed him so much.

If you love this woman, you go for it. Life is short.

And your father would be the first one to back me up.

One cage rattled. Let's go rattle some more.

Jack, are you coming?

I want to get over there before they start thinking of cute nicknames for us.

Right, right.

Believe me, my relationship with Jack is as much a surprise to me as it is to

you. Yes, well, darling, you don't want to rush into anything.

That's right. You don't have to hurry.

Well, now, that's what I've been telling Jack ever since we met.

But I've never been in love like this before, and I'm starting to wonder why

keeping the brakes on.

I mean, look at the two of you. You've been married for almost 40 years, and

I've never seen you happier.

Well, in a way, you're probably right.

That long trip we took really had an effect on us.

Yes, there we were, traveling around as we pleased, freed from our daily demands

and routines. Just us, no one else, alone.

Just the two of us.

And then one day we went to see Pompeii.

We were walking among the ruins in the shadow of Mount Vesuvius when suddenly

came upon the figure of a man preserved in rock, just as he'd been moments

before the lava rushed down and buried him.

We stared at him.

He was so amazing.

But then we saw something in his eyes.

It was a look of fear and horror and the realization that there would be no

future.

And I looked up at your father, and he looked up at me, and we knew we'd been

seeing that same expression in each other's eyes for the past 40 years.

What are you saying?

Honey.

We've decided to get a divorce.

What?

What are you talking about? You can't get a divorce. You're my parents.

We have to.

We're tired of running from the lava, dear.

I can't believe this.

How could you be getting a divorce?

Okay, so, you were never Ozzie and Harriet.

But I always counted on you to provide a little continuity in my life.

Oh, great.

You know, she's been punishing us ever since we took that pony away.

Talk a while with the Gentiles, and Gentiles will talk about me.

I think the word you're looking for is colorful.

This is not too shabby.

Wally, I have a little gift for you.

Oh, thank you. You didn't have to do that.

Can I take your coat? No, open the gift.

Do what she says, Wally, and nobody will get hurt.

Ah, Rose.

Live.

Fetch.

Tipsy, I have one for you, too.

Easy listening in the car.

That's nice.

Rose, can I get you something from the bar?

Oh, no, thank you. I don't drink.

So, Rose, how long have you been living in Florida?

Honey, don't you have a tape player? Why don't you just pop that in?

Okay.

So here we all are.

Mr. and Mrs. Porter, I want to apologize for the way that I babbled on this

afternoon.

What an astonishing talent.

Anyway, as I was saying, I, um...

I guess I was just trying too hard to make a good impression, which is, you

know, kind of unusual for me, but you are Wally's parents, and our

is about as important to me as yours is to you. Oh, yeah, that would be real

important. And it suddenly occurred to me, riding over here in the cab, that

this is a very special opportunity. I mean, here we all are in one room

together. How often is that going to happen? A lot less than you think.

So, I, um, I decided to do something. You know, it's, uh, this is pretty

crazy. But, you know, who knows? I mean, you know, what could happen to any of

us a year from now or even ten minutes from now?

God, I've never done anything like this before.

I don't even know what the correct procedure is.

But I'm asking your daughter to marry me.

And if she says yes... Jack, what are you doing? I have this ring I got from a

gumball machine on the way over here.

Oh, Wally, take it.

Listen, I love you.

And I want you to marry me.

What do you say?

Jack, this is horrible.

Oh, well, I didn't expect you to wear a Batman decoder ring the rest of your

life. All the jewelry stores were closed.

Oh, God.

I'd say that was one surprise too many.

And I know this is a big don't in the perfect hostess handbook, but I'm going

my room now and stay there for a very long time.

You know, she's not as spontaneous as I am. That's why we work so well together.

I'll have a talk to her. One minute, Jack.

I think a little father -daughter talk may be in order.

Whitney, fill them in while I'm gone, will you?

Oh, Jack, I'm sorry to tell you that your timing is very bad tonight.

It reminds me of that old Seth Thomas clock we have in the foyer that...

loses a minute every three months unless we tape a penny to one of the

counterweights, which sometimes makes it tick too loudly, but... You know what?

I think I will have a drink.

Look, honey, I know our news really knocked you off balance, but that

mean a marriage can't last.

Then what does it mean?

Well, I guess it means that before you make a big decision like that,

You better make sure your heart's in the right place.

See, your mother and I got married because it made sense.

We loved each other, but we didn't have the grand passion.

And we knew that.

And as we grew older, we missed it.

More and more.

I don't know.

how the hell we got the guts to do what we're going to do, but even if there's

the slightest chance that we might find that passion, even now, we owe it to

ourselves to try.

I guess what I'm asking you for is your blessing.

Excuse me. May I cut in?

She's all yours.

Amazing, isn't it?

The things I do.

I have the intuition of a brick.

I can't believe you proposed to me.

In front of our parents.

I'll bet you're also the kind of guy who rides no hands on a roller coaster.

I really meant it, though.

You know that, don't you?

Yes.

And I hope you'll understand if I don't say yes right now.

But please don't stop asking.

Hey, I'm the Buffalo Bills of suitors.

No matter how humiliating the defeat, I just keep going back to the Super Bowl

till I win.

Can I keep the ring?

Sure.