Original subtitles

This is for me. Don't touch it. This is for me.

Hello, Charles.

Yes, it's me.

Oh, hello, Charles.

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart.

I know how depressing this must be for you, spending the day all alone in

prison.

What with all the other men having formed couples already.

I have a little surprise for you.

Are you ready?

What are you wearing?

Oh, stripes.

I love it. Feels like I got the shiver.

I thought it was kind of a thing.

No telling what it can tell us.

The shiver's just making me swing. I get the shiver.

Have to kiss you, shiver, in the still of the night.

Shiver.

It's a building shivering all of the night.

Everybody's got to shiver.

Oh, it's Abe!

Hello, Abe. Hello.

It's, uh, Abe. It's, um, Charles, my husband. He's, uh... Got the shiver?

Yes, and he's burning up. You just drink plenty of fluids, dear, and get right

to the infirmary. I'll call you tomorrow.

I'll give you $20 if you forget you ever saw that. $50. $25. $40. $35. Deal.

Oh, why the long face? Ray, it's Valentine's Day.

Yeah, and I just got dumped by my girlfriend.

Girlfriend? You got a girlfriend?

Tell him, Ray. Tell him what her name is.

Modem Girl.

What?

Modem Girl.

She's somebody I communicate with on my computer.

Ray's idea of a relationship, a blip on a screen.

She was much more than that.

I mean, we'd play two -man Tetris till four in the morning.

God, where did it go wrong?

Face it, Ray.

I think she left you for a guy with a bigger hard drive.

Oh, yeah, same old story. That's why I'll have nothing to do with this

Valentine's Day crap.

It's for losers and that stupid company that makes those little candy hearts

that say, hug me. I hate those.

I'm with you, Abe.

Oh, well, you hypocrite.

Ray. You two -faced little traitor.

That's enough, Ray. Yeah, pretty interesting comment coming from somebody

got a date tonight.

He has a date!

Meg has a date! What? Meg has a date? Is that what I heard? Meg has a date.

Oh, Meg, this is such good news. Now, I know it's been a long time, but just

remember, your body is a temple, not an amusement park.

Oh, Meg, I am so happy for you.

So come on, come on.

Who is he?

Oh, this is a nightmare.

All right, his name is Greg. He's an assistant coach for the Celtics. I met

when I was covering a Knicks game.

He kept looking at me and I kept looking at him. I wasn't sure how interested he

was until after the game when I went into the locker room and he snapped a

at me.

At that point, could there be any doubt?

What time do you think you'll be bringing him in? I need to run out and

film for my camera.

Wait a minute.

Do you think I would ever, in a gazillion years, bring a date into this

know the kind of abuse I'd get from you people.

No, you don't. We got a lot of new material.

Meg, I'm almost afraid to ask this question to a woman who thinks a

a fashion accessory.

Well, what are you wearing?

I'm wearing this.

Meg, I'm going to give you a little friendly advice.

Don't wear that.

This is what I was wearing when I met him. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

right. Mary Margaret, there are two rules for landing a man. One, make an

in your dress. And two, pretend to care about whatever the hell he's talking

about. Now, I know you can't do the second one, so you'd better go shopping.

He's right, Meg.

If you're interested in this guy at all, you'll get yourself up to

Bloomingdale's right now. You really think so? Yes. Go up to the third floor,

find ladies apparel, and scream hell.

And buy yourself some nice perfume. I don't want you trying to save money and

getting aftershave. No, no.

And Meg, Meg, come back here before you go out so we can make any last -minute

adjustments.

I can't believe I'm buying into this.

I'm going to have to be taken to a farmhouse upstate and deprogrammed. Go!

Oh, God, I probably shouldn't have done that. I couldn't help myself.

What? I got Meg all primed for the fall.

What? Oh, Wally, it's Valentine's Day and she has a date.

I know.

Let's just say I've never had much luck on February 14th. It all started back in

the third grade when Dougie Ford gave me a valentine with a spider pasted in it

and continued right on through modern times when my wonderful ex -husband gave

me a bracelet with the words to Margo engraved inside.

Oh, dear.

But you're in love with Jack now and he's got so much going for him.

The problem is I always have such high expectations about Valentine's Day, and

then I'm disappointed.

I don't know what I'm looking for out of this day. I just know I never find it.

Wally, dear, don't dwell on the negative. It shows up in your colon.

Hi, guys.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, give her the wrist.

All right, I know I'm a big jerk with bonbons, but give me a break. I'm in

Now, wait a minute, Ray. What are you doing here?

Is this the day that you and Maggie will go down to City Hall and jeer at the

newlyweds?

Maggie has a date.

You're kidding.

Boy, something's in the air tonight.

Well, not for me. It's too much damn work.

Judging from what you got there, I'll say you'll be joining the workforce

tonight. Oh, yeah.

I got me some plans.

As soon as Wally's finished here, I'm taking her for a late supper over to

Mario's Venetian.

Isn't that the place where they bumped off Tony the Weasel?

Yeah, but that was on the patio.

Besides, I'm gonna spring for the lobster fratiablo, and then a violinist

coming over to the table at the stroke of midnight to play My Funny Valentine.

And then, for the big finish, Cherry's Jubilee. You know, that's the dessert

that they set on fire.

Pretty great, huh?

Come here, come here.

The reason why you guys are alone tonight is because you don't know what

like.

Now, observe the master.

Hi, honey.

Aw, Jack.

Would you be my valentine?

How sweet.

Oh, look.

There's a little picture of you in his stomach.

Well, it's more personal than the one of Ryan O 'Neill it came with.

This is just the beginning.

Oh, Jack, now, I hope you don't think I was expecting anything, because I

wasn't. But you have something special planned? All you need to know is that at

10 .15, we're leaving here for parts unknown.

Be prepared, because it is going to be great. Right, guys?

Wait a minute. I know what it is. You overheard me the other day trying to

reservations at the Carlisle to hear Bobby's short thing.

That's where we're going, isn't it?

Yeah, oh, that Bobby Shorty, he's really good, isn't he, Ray?

Oh, yeah, oh, he's great. Boy, that would be a really special night.

I'm not saying anything about anything. Sorry.

Oh, Jack, you're the best.

Who you calling, Rescue 911?

to the Blue Shamrock. May I help you? Oh, yes. I'm supposed to be meeting

somebody here tonight for dinner. Yes, and the reservation is under what name?

believe the gentleman made it under his name, Howitt. That's H as in house, O as

in octopus, W as in witch. I have it. I work for the telephone company, and

that's how we spell.

Plus, I'm a little nervous.

I'm meeting this man for the first time tonight.

Really? You have a blind date on Valentine's Day? Oh, that is so

Wally, did you hear this? A blind date on Valentine's Day.

Isn't that nice? I'm Wally Porter, the chef and owner here, and I promise to

make your meal as special as the occasion.

Well, thank you, Wally.

And if you ever need immediate credit on a mistyled number, you just call me.

Thanks.

Jack, the nicest thing just happened.

Who are you on the phone with?

Well, I'm not at liberty to say, but just know that it's about you.

This is so great. I can't tell you how much this means to me.

But let me ask you this.

If by any chance we're not going to see Bobby Short, would I need an overnight

bag? I'll bet you saw that ad I cut out for that romantic little bed and

breakfast in Stockbridge.

You sly thing.

So listen, Mario.

Look, I need you to find out if this violin guy does impressions.

Cary Grant.

Better yet, Bobby Short.

Now look, Mario, I want a wine bottle with extra wax stripped down the side.

And look, that dessert had better be really flaming. I'm talking waiters

standing around with hoses.

Are you getting my drift here, Mario? My love life is on the line here.

Oh, really?

When did Mario die?

It looks like it's going well. He let her have the last piece of bread.

Yes, they have been talking nonstop since the crab cake.

This is the great thing about owning a restaurant. You see so many stories

played out in front of you every night.

Right, like the guy who came in here last week and stole the plastic

from the urinals.

I wonder what his story was.

a look at you.

I'm not sure about this. The coat, the coat. Let's go.

Come on, come on. Let's take a look -see here.

All

right.

Go ahead. Take your best shot.

Wow. I can take that. Next.

You couldn't find anything in a nice tartan plaid.

Predictable. Abe?

I'm going trout fishing this spring. Could I borrow those boots?

Very good.

Ray, Jack, can you top that?

Nope.

All right, then. I'm out of here.

I hope it goes well tonight because I can't get these boots off by myself.

I smell electric shave.

Happy Heart Day, everybody.

Any of you guys happen to catch me last night on Baywatch?

No.

That's too bad. I was very good in my death scene. You could see real tears in

my eyes just before the shark slammed his mouth on my head.

Take a beer, Abe.

Now, what are you doing here?

Wouldn't a guy like you have a lot of other places to go tonight besides your

-wife's restaurant?

I'm hiding.

Why? Did the Times drama critic get a license to carry a gun?

I accidentally made two dates for tonight.

Aw, let's have a pity party.

I've never been good at Valentine's Day, even when I was married to Wally. Did

she ever tell you that flaming dessert story? Man, what a disaster.

Oh, great gift.

So what do you want this time?

Hey, Wally, first of all, happy Valentine's Day, and second of all, I

little advice.

Yes, you should have a skill to fall back on.

No, not that.

Here's the problem.

Due to an oversight on my part, I accidentally made two dates for tonight.

Do you have any thoughts on what I should do?

Gee, Kip, what did you do when we were married?

That's great. Well, I'll call her and I'll tell her I was robbed leaving the

flower shop.

Wait a minute. You mean when you claimed you were held up on Valentine's Day in

88, that was just a story?

Oh, well, God love you.

But the curse is over.

You, Jack Stein, are going to make it all better.

Look, Wally, I know I told you that the plans were big, but I don't want your

expectations to be too high.

You're right. You're right, Jack. I've done that in the past, and I've been

sorry for it.

But I can tell by the look in your eyes.

You really went all out, didn't you?

Oh, man.

Something's just happened. What's wrong? You're as white as a sheet. The man and

the woman. You know, our couple on the blind date, the men, he left.

What?

Well, she doesn't look upset.

Maybe he forgot his credit cards or something. Oh, I hope so, because I just

him run out into the street and jump into a cab.

Really?

Oh, I'm sure there's an explanation.

Go over there, stoop around, see what's going on.

Hello. So, how's everything here?

Doing okay?

Oh, it's going so well, I can't believe it.

the street to get a newspaper.

We're going to see a late movie. Pretty nice, huh?

Dinner and movie on Valentine's Day.

Cross the street for a paper, you say?

Did he mention that he hates to walk, even a very short distance?

No, but we're just getting to know each other.

Would you excuse me, please?

So what's the story? He told her he was going to buy a paper, and I guess he

likes to buy his papers in New Hampshire because that's the direction he was

headed.

Now, Nadine, you're jumping to conclusions. We don't know that he

her. I'll bet he went off to buy her a present or to get her flowers or

something.

Don't you think that's what he did? Oh, yeah, absolutely.

All right, let's just get back to work. And while it was obviously going well,

they were eating off each other's plates.

He ditched her. Oh, you got it. Oh, he's long gone.

You got to be nuts to buy into this holiday.

Excuse me, may I get some service?

Yeah.

I'll have a white wine, please.

Okay. By the way, my name is Abe, and I'll be your bartender for the rest of

your life.

Would you be able to cash a check?

Well, I need to see some ID.

Oh, but then you'd see how old I am.

Only thing I'm seeing is that beautiful smile.

Well, I'm a dentist.

We're kind of in the smile business.

Wow, well, isn't this such a small world?

Here you are a dentist, and here I am a guy with teeth.

Oh, man, they're dropping like flies.

Been almost 45 minutes. No, 48 minutes that slime left her there.

She sits in a little cubicle all day at the phone company. How's she ever going

to meet anyone?

What kind of monster leaves somebody just sitting there like that?

I really feel like tracking that guy down, paying him a little visit, and

him an omelet where the major ingredient is his pancreas. Wow.

Take it easy. This isn't happening to you.

Yes, it is. When it happens to one of us, it happens to all.

Oh, no. Meg is back.

In less than an hour.

I can't take it. I hate Valentine's Day.

Oh, Meg, I'm sorry.

Men are such pigs. Tell me about it. I couldn't dump that loser fast enough.

Hey,

the guy asked me out under false pretense. He kept asking me questions

your folks tall?

Do you have tall brothers?

Do you think you're done growing?

Finally comes out that Mr.

Assistant Basketball Coach is looking for a broodmare to give him five boys

over six feet tall so he can start his own team.

So when he went to the bathroom, I got my buffalo wings, and I got the hell out

of there.

Oh, man, this really stings.

It happens to one, it happens to all.

Oh, God, look at her.

We can't let that poor thing sit there any longer.

We have to tell her. I guess I'll do it. After all, I'm a mother.

Hello.

Do you mind if I join you? Please.

Oh, it feels good to get off my feet.

Men are so unpredictable, you know? I know.

He's not coming back.

Oh, another rotten Valentine's Day.

Oh, and you've got the dirty job of having to tell me.

Yes, and I have even worse news for you. Your date ordered the Maine lobster.

At market price?

Jack, please.

I'm going to make you some nice chamomile tea. We'll have a little talk.

How'd she take it? Her heart is broken. Oh, God. Keep an eye on her.

Hey,

Wally, you okay?

I guess so.

Look, honey, I know you have this thing about Valentine's Day and how things

never work out the way they're planned.

I just can't help looking at her and thinking that if it weren't for you,

could be me out there.

It does kind of get to you, doesn't it?

Poor kid, all alone.

Kind of makes me want to do something to redeem my gender.

Well... Maybe she'd want some company for dinner.

You know, spend some time with two people who can show her that it pays to

a heart in her sleeve.

Oh, Jack.

I know you have a lot of wonderful things planned for us tonight.

But this is the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

I love you so much right now.

Oh, but you're going to have to cancel all the plans.

What? The plans for tonight.

Oh, God, yes.

Right, I better make a call.

Because, you know, I've got people standing by.

Oh, hi, it's Jack.

Glad I got you before you went up in a balloon.

Listen, something's come up.

The fireworks are off.

Yeah, that's right. Let the doves go.

Excuse

me.

I sort of overheard what happened here.

I know it's none of my business, but...

I'm a municipal employee. You work for a utility, so we're... We're sort of

connected.

In fact, you know, I'm both under the weight of the masses trying to make this

city fit for humanity.

Whatever's left of it.

I, uh, I just wanted to say I know how you feel.

I'm sorry.

Thank you very much.

That was very kind.

Would you like to sit down?

Me?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Do you like lobster?

Look at that.

Oh, my.

Ray has just walked through those big red heart -shaped doors of Valentine's

Day.

I just love this day.

Well, they don't need us anymore.

Is it too late for our evening out?

Oh, gee, honey, you know, I just canceled everything, you know.

And I guess all the really good places will be booked. Well, that's all right.

We'll eat here.

Wait a minute.

I do know a place.

What is the name of it?

Mario's Venetian.

Really? Do you think we could get in?

I'm Jack Stein.

My name opens doors.

So you see, honey, now I have to go down to the precinct and I have to look at a

lineup.

But you know the worst part? about this whole thing? That creep ran off with the

roses I bought you.

Can I call you tomorrow?

Okay, me too.

Bye.

Whoa, look at you.

You look fabulous.

Yeah, I know.

You know, you and I have never really had a chance to get to know each other.

I happen to be free right now. What do you say we share a cab uptown and see

what happens?

Yeah, okay, why not?

I'll lead him on until he gets my boots off. Then it's history.