Original subtitles

Life can be very dangerous.

Most people keep an eye out for the obvious perils.

Getting robbed in an automatic teller machine.

Driving through an ice storm without snow tires.

Being scalded by the searing jet of steam when opening a bag of microwave

popcorn.

But what really does us in are the little things.

Like those innocent conversations that wind up changing the way people think

about each other.

Just wait. Just wait till you hear this one. Just wait.

I'm in the press box covering the Rangers game when some creep from

starts hitting on me. Oh, come on, Meg. You always think just because you're the

only woman reporter in the press box, all the men are hitting on you.

Abe, it was 30 degrees and the guy had no pants on.

Am I flattering myself?

You look exhausted, Ray. What happened? Everybody in New York throw out their

phone books at once?

Go ahead and make fun, Mary Margaret. I haven't slept in 36 hours.

Yeah, he was up all last night watching that movie channel.

Hey, Ray, you may have not heard, but there's a little thing called women.

Hey, it was a Hitchcock film festival.

I got lured in by Rear Window.

Oh, that was a sick movie, sick.

And the birds came on? A very sick movie made by a sicko.

And at three in the morning they showed Lifeboat? Sickies watch those movies.

It's about nine people floating around the middle of the ocean, food and water

dwindling to an end. Oh, thickies.

They were being forced to decide, you know, who should live and who should

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I mean, what would we do if we were in that situation?

I got a bigger question.

What the hell would the four of us be doing on a boat together?

Well, maybe we were flying somewhere together and the plane went down over

and we were the only ones who paid attention when the flight attendant made

speech, so we got the little raft.

All right, all right, let me get this straight.

We're a million miles from nowhere, looking death in the face, and there's

enough food and water for three people.

Sounds like a budget cruise I took with my mother once.

Maybe we could try to ration the food and water, you know, stretch it four

so we'd all have a chance.

I mean, I could never decide who should live or die.

Every human life is valuable.

Face it, Ray, someone's gonna have to go overboard.

Hi there, kids. What's going on? Our plane's gone down. We're all trapped on

raft. We don't have enough food and water, and a nice leg of ray is looking

pretty good right now.

God, am I glad I've got a girlfriend.

Hi, sweetie. Hi.

Oh, you missed dinner. The best salmon on crouton you ever tasted.

Oh, I got in a fight with my editor over my next column.

I'm telling people we should send our souvenir piece of the Berlin Wall back

Germany. That way we can reassemble that baby before those rascals decide to

borrow Poland again.

I'm almost ready to go. Let me just get out of this apron and grab a bag of

coffee for home. Oh, don't bother. I have coffee at my place.

Oh.

Um... So, you want to stay at your place?

Well, yeah, I thought it'd be a nice change of pace since we're hardly ever

there. Well, don't you feel more comfortable at my place?

I have a lot of good things there.

Plates that match.

Toilet paper.

State knives that don't say Black Angus on the handle.

Oh, hi.

Thank you.

No, you know what?

It's not the same.

I miss my own remote control.

You know, with your remote, I always get the channels and the volume buttons

confused. There's nothing worse than trying to change the channel. And

you just keep making Sam Donaldson louder and louder.

All right, I've avoided saying this, but I guess now I have to.

I don't like staying at your apartment, Jack.

I mean, when I wake up there, I always have this one panic moment when I think

I've passed out at a frat party.

The bathroom alone.

You have glass shower doors that I can't even see through.

Wally, they're frosted. No, they're not, Jack.

There's one clear area, and it's in a different place every day.

Wally, I didn't realize this bothered you so much. I'm glad you're finally

telling me this.

I mean, I want you to feel comfortable.

I will definitely straighten the place up for you.

Really? Yeah. That is so great.

I'll tell you what. Tomorrow is Saturday.

If we work together, we'll get your apartment in shape in no time. And then

promise.

I won't complain about staying there. Deal.

But tonight, we stay at my place.

There in the morning, I'll pick up some explosives and a machete. You get your

shots, and we'll try and reclaim my living room.

So how many candy bars do we have?

Six.

I mean, four.

Uh,

we got four.

That's all we got.

that there's this critical point in a relationship when the woman tries to

the man's apartment more to her liking.

That's how Yoko first got control of John.

I think I know how to handle this.

Probably not bad.

You know, I'll just make a few concessions.

You know, I ought to get it out of his system.

But I'm drawing a line at this desk.

This is mission control.

What may look like chaos is really the nerve center of Jack Stein.

Believe me, I know exactly what I'm getting into here. This isn't about

Jack's apartment. It's about change.

He hates change.

He thinks compact discs are the work of the devil.

So the key here is not to be too pushy, especially when it comes to his desk.

If I can get him to clean that up, then I've got him right where I want him. The

trick is to lure him into thinking it's all his idea.

That will take all my powers.

Geez, that's a lot of equipment you got there.

You think they use that much stuff to clean up after the Exxon Valdez?

Hey, you know something?

I'm looking around here and I'm seeing that maybe this place doesn't need as

much work as I thought.

Really? I don't know. I'm sure it could use some cleaning, a little reshuffling

around. You're probably right.

So, how do you want to do this, Jack? Do you want to just jump in and see where

fate takes us? Or should we have a plan?

A plan.

You're absolutely right, Jack.

Why risk wasting time when we can have a plan?

What do you say if I start in the kitchen? Well... Okay, so you want me to

in the kitchen.

Good thinking.

I'll clean the fridge, oven, stove top, counter, and floors.

I'll shelf paper the cupboards, assess the dishes, flatware, pots, and pans,

decide what will stay and what will be replaced.

Now, what are you going to be doing?

Well, I don't know. I guess I could... Work in the bedroom?

I like the way you think.

The closet of yours does seem pretty full.

You could go through it and start to weed out, but then what would you do

that stuff?

I don't know. Give it away?

Great idea.

Make a pile for goodwill.

I've got to tell you, you're impressing the hell out of me, Jack.

Thanks. You know what I just realized?

This is our first project together as a couple.

Only people as well -matched as we are could pull it off so smoothly.

So I'm going to start in the kitchen, and you said you'll be starting on your

desk, right? Right.

Oh, man, I never knew cleaning out a closet could be so much fun.

Look at some of the stuff I found.

My Camp Olympus banner from our all -Jewish softball team that miraculously

defeated the Catholic team from across the lake.

And they were tough, too.

Whenever they got up to bat, they'd make the sign of the cross, and we'd all

yell, hey, no fair!

Look at this.

My old Sigma Lambda Chi sweatshirt.

I only wear it when I'm sick.

Makes me sweat like a dog.

I wish I could wash it more than once a year, but hey, this thing's gonna last

another 50 years.

All right, the kitchen is clean.

I think I got to it just in time. I found a colony of ants constructing a

city out of graham crackers.

Jack, what have you been doing?

What do you mean?

Well, that closet's still packed.

Two hours and you've done nothing.

That's not true.

I found this.

Jack, you've got to be ruthless.

That's the key here.

I want you to ask yourself, do you really need this?

What possible use could you have?

What if I get a dog someday? What's she going to have puppies on?

Look at this place.

Did they film Porky 2 in here?

Camp pictures, baseball cards, comic books. Ah, and this sad little pillow.

Wally.

Wally, what are you doing?

I got you some new pillows, Jack. You need new pillows.

Are you insane?

You can have a new pillow. I love my old pillow.

I mean, it's taken me years to get it smashed to the right size.

Come on, Jack. That's not a pillow anymore.

It's granules in a sack.

You deserve a better pillow. Look, 100 % goose down.

Mmm, so cozy.

Molly, you know, I'm not the type of guy who enjoys laying his head down on the

remains of a dead bird.

I need a man -made pillow. I need polymers.

Why is it that men are so attached to their past?

Jack, you have to learn how to let go.

Make a clean break.

Now, come on.

Put down the pillow.

That's right.

Nice and easy.

Drop it in here and everything will be okay.

Just let it go, Jack.

I can't.

I'll throw away the rug instead.

All right.

At least that's something.

You know, while you're finishing the closet, I'll start working on all these

papers. Oh, Wally, Wally, Wally, be careful with that.

It's in my 2B file pile.

I have a very organized method of how it is.

Okay, I really want to try to understand this. Other than the Library of

Congress, who needs to keep old newspapers?

They're not that old. Besides, there could be something in here I need to

Gee, Jack, I think you may have already heard that Amy Carter got her driver's

license.

Do not touch the newspapers, Wally. Okay.

I'll find something else to do.

Like collect your laundry.

Oh, God.

What is this?

That's my favorite sweatshirt.

Where are you going with that?

I'm going to call the EPA and find out if I'm handling it properly.

Then I'm going to have myself scrubbed down.

Now, Wally, be careful with that. It has special healing powers.

You better use the gentle cycle and a fabric softener.

Lay it flat to dry.

That way it retains its shape.

and wiping out what could have been a new strain of penicillin.

I found this sealed box under the thing. Do you know what's inside it? Oh, my

God, Wally. Be careful with this box. It must stay sealed and intact.

What's in there, Jack? Jimmy Hoffa?

You've got everything else in this place.

Look, when I moved in here 15 years ago, I unpacked everything but this box.

As long as it stays all taped up, it means I never moved in here permanently.

That way I'll never feel tied down.

Oh, good.

I'm having a serious relationship with a man who lives like he's in the witness

protection program.

Jack, I don't think we're making any headway here. You won't unpack this box.

You won't even go through your old clothes.

That's not true. I made my goodwill pile.

You did?

Where is it? Right here.

A bolo tie and a dickie?

How can this be your goodwill pile? You have clothes in there that should be

melted down and made into insulation.

Wally, you obviously don't know how the fashion industry works.

Everything comes back into style.

Now, why should I throw this stuff away when I'm just going to have to go back

and buy it all over again at three times the cost?

That's what they want you to do, Wally. It's a big scam.

You're lucky you know me to protect you from these things.

My God, Jack, you're worse than a woman.

Do you think you could do me a teeny tiny little favor?

Could you go back into your closet and try on a few outfits so we can see if

these things even fit you?

All right.

But don't call them outfits.

Men don't wear outfits.

We wear random items that just might happen to look good together.

Well, hasn't this turned into a pleasant little Saturday?

Jack accepts change less easily than the Amish.

You know what really upsets me most?

I could be at the Bloomingdale's shoe sale right now, wrestling a woman for

last pair of Joan and David suede ankle boots.

Now that's a good time.

But no, I'm fighting a losing battle against a man who gave the dust ball

his bed a name.

of a radio shack in Knoxville.

Okay.

You scoff.

But as soon as I lose a little weight and these things come back into style...

All right, that's it. I've had it. I quit. What? You're upset?

Molly, I thought you wanted to work on this as a team.

I mean, come on. You know, there's no teamwork if you're gonna have to have

everything your way.

Did you move this chair?

Yes, I moved that chair.

See? I'm moving it.

I'm moving it again.

Now, Wally, this isn't fair. You're trying to change my whole place.

I've changed nothing.

I've had no effect here at all. This place is set up for you.

There's no room here for me. How do you think that makes me feel? That the man

I'm in love with won't even make the smallest effort to open up his home to

You know what, Wally?

I guess I just wasn't looking at it that way.

All right.

This calls for a big gesture here.

You see this box?

It's history.

It's going into the trash.

Because I want you to know how seriously I take this relationship and...

What's this?

What's what?

You threw away my favorite sweatshirt.

Well, I throw away such a harsh term, Jack. Let's just say I retired it.

How could you do that?

How could you throw away my most prized possession?

I'm sorry, Jack.

I didn't realize it was that important to you.

You know, I would never do anything that would hurt... Hey, wait a minute. How

am I losing now?

I'm the one who gave up my time today. What did I get out of it?

Nothing, except the realization that your smelly past is more important to

than your present.

And you seem very okay with that.

So you know what?

That's the way you can have it.

You think I would have had more leverage if I weren't dressed like Jermaine

Jackson?

Well, who died?

and made you queen.

All I'm saying is that we have known you the least amount of time, so we care

less whether you live or die.

Why would you take something like that personally?

I'm telling you the obvious choice is Ray.

You have to stop fighting it and face the fact that you're the most

I gave you my last milk, Doug, so you could live another day.

Sucker.

I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that your life is more valuable

than mine.

My life is more valuable than yours.

Now, that's a low blow.

I'm a little tired of all you coming up with so many reasons why I should bite

it first.

All right, so maybe I haven't contributed that much to society yet,

planning on my 40s being a really productive time.

Yeah, right.

And anyway, haven't you ever heard of women and children first? Oh, give me a

break. You deserve special treatment. We're the ones who have to go through

labor. You try pulling a live turkey out your nose and then you tell me who's

special.

Well, I don't care what anybody says. The bottom line is I should get to stay

the lifeboat because I have a better chance of surviving.

Oh, really? Yeah, face it. I am in tip -top physical condition.

Well, then maybe you should jump out the back of the raft and start kicking. Oh,

no. Oh, man,

I don't believe it. Are you still in this lifeboat thing? It's horrible.

They're all trying to kill me, Jack. Oh, no, no, no, Ray. We're not trying to

kill you.

We're trying to make the best use of you.

Now, look, let me ask you something.

When your plane went down, wouldn't there be more than one raft, and

there be more people floating around with you?

What are you getting at?

Why don't you board their raft, take their food, and push them overboard?

Hey, why didn't we think of that?

Okay, okay. All in favor of looting and pillaging the other raft, raise hands.

All right, there you go. It's over.

Now you don't have to talk about this anymore.

Thank God.

Let's discuss something else.

So did anybody see Towering Infernal last night?

Hi.

Hello.

I was wondering if I could get a cup of coffee. That's why we're here.

Look, Wally, I am really sorry about Saturday.

We said a lot of things to each other, and I'm just here to say basically that

behaved in a really selfish way.

And although that usually worked for me in the past, I seem to have lost a lot

of ground here.

Well, maybe it wasn't all your fault.

I threw your sweatshirt away.

I had no right to do that. It's just that when you didn't make room for me, I

felt like you didn't care.

And I guess I didn't handle that very well.

Okay. So what we have here is two people simultaneously admitting fault.

Now, that usually means that there's a way to work the problem out.

So, what do you say we try tackling my apartment all over again?

It would probably be less work if you just moved.

Since that's not practical, sure, let's give it another shot.

Okay.

Hey, Ron, I'll pick you up tonight.

And then tomorrow, we'll start work.

Hey, Jack, are you walking funny?

Well, you kind of reorganized my dresser drawers. I couldn't find my underwear.

And I know some people say that no underwear is sexy, but I find it quite

chilly, and one zipper mess happened, that's all she wrote.

I can't believe we're going to do this again. I'm still having flashbacks to

things I saw in your vegetable bin.

I may have to form a support group.

Okay, okay, let's just get this over with.

Oh, my God.

It looks great.

So, what do you think?

It's one thing to say you love somebody, another thing to show them.

This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. The books are all neat

and straight. Your desk is immaculate.

I even said goodbye to my old friend Milt, the dust ball.

And look, you bought a plant.

Something growing in your apartment that's supposed to.

I hope I didn't get too carried away. I just figured it would be good practice

in case, you know, someday we might want to hang out in the same... You know.

You mean that thing where we might only have one place, so we'd both be there

with all our stuff?

Maybe. Someday.

Yeah.

That thing.

All I can say, Jack Stein, is that I feel like

you really thought about me here.

That you rose above your personal fears and put me first, and...

I love you so much right now.

And I think I want to see your bedroom now.

Really? Yeah.

Now. Right now, Mr.

No Underwear.

You go in the bedroom, and I'll get us some wine.

Be my guest.

And you'll find my refrigerator is fully stocked with all the things you like.

Except for me.

be in the bedroom removing my pants very carefully.