Original subtitles

There are a lot of things I never expected would happen to me.

One was being paid to shoot my mouth off.

Another was owning a vacuum cleaner.

But the thing that seemed the most impossible was that I, Jack Stein, would

fall in love.

And boy, am I in love.

Now, you know, I've been with Wally for four months.

But I never actually told her I love her.

In fact, I've never actually said those words to any woman before.

So tonight, I'm going to do it.

I got a bottle of champagne.

It's a beautiful full moon.

Oh, yeah.

I could not have picked a better night.

Hi, everybody.

Is that the most perfect full moon out there?

Is Wally in the kitchen? I still don't want to tell her. Go in there, man.

Why, what's the matter?

Well, let's just say that Wally's not herself today, Jack.

She yelled at me.

Wow, really?

Yeah, just lashed out. Said my ice cubes weren't square enough.

I make the squarest damn ice cubes in the whole damn world, damn it.

Yeah, she told me I smelled funny.

I'm a garbage man.

I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't know.

She sounds like Wally's having a pretty bad day.

She's a little cheered up, that's all.

She just needs to be reminded of everything that's going right in her

So, should we go with the plain pine box, or would you like one of those

mahogany jars?

Will you stop stirring the sauce like that, Nadine? You're wrecking the sauce.

I am? I'm so sorry. How am I stirring?

Back and forth like that, like some sort of crazy back and forth machine.

You have to stir in a circle.

Why? Because the sauce has to taste around.

Around.

Give me the spoon.

Sure, Wally. You take the spoon.

The spoon is your friend.

Run, Jack. Run for your life.

Henry, you stir in a circle.

Hi, Wally. How's it going?

How is it going? I'll tell you how it's going. No, I'll show you how it's going.

Look at that carrot, Jack.

Just look at it.

What's wrong with it? It's big. It's orange. It's a big orange carrot.

You just don't get it, do you, Jack?

Oh, I'm getting it.

Why do you have flowers in champagne, Jack? What's going on?

Actually, these aren't for you, Wally.

These are for... Henry!

Come on over here, you rascal.

You've been working your tail off around here. I don't want you to think it had

gone unnoticed.

I don't know what to say.

Don't read anything more into this than there is, okay, Henry?

Look, Wally, there was something I wanted to tell you, but obviously now is

the right time, and I think I have a pretty good idea of why you're in such a

bad mood.

I'm going to leave now, but I'd like to just say one thing before I go.

My doll.

Hey there, everybody.

We're looking at the actor who has just landed a three -day role on the new

Kojak.

That's right.

You are talking to Detective Dan Gil -Lombardi, a hard -as -nails specialist

serial killings who is also questioning his sexual identity.

Nice twist, huh?

Let me ask you something, Kip. When you were married to Wally, did she have

moods? What are you asking me if she had moods? In a circle, Henry! That's an

awful forgot thing!

Uh -oh.

It's that time of month, isn't it? You don't think she saw me come in here, do

you?

Just hang in there, guys. It'll only last for about 24 hours. But if I were

I'd keep all the exits clear.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God, look who just walked in. Oh, no, it's Casper Hirsch. Who's he? He's

the restaurant critic for our paper. No one's supposed to know what he looks

like, so we can slip in and review a restaurant anonymously.

Like he's doing right now.

Oh, man, talk about your lousy brakes.

That's the last thing Squeaky Fromm and their needs.

You're right, Jack.

This could very well be the straw that sent her right around the bend, couldn't

it? She might just flip out and have a complete breakdown.

I'll run and tell her right now. Would you cut it out?

Look, maybe we just shouldn't tell her who he is at all. It could really take

her off her game in the kitchen.

I mean, considering how she reacts to stress during this, her special time.

Well, I'm with you. I say we put her in a hut till Tuesday.

Okay, that's it then. Nobody tells her who it is.

What's going on here?

Are you talking about me?

You are, aren't you? You're all talking about me.

Oh, my God.

What? It's Casper Hirsch.

Nadine, don't turn around and make any sudden motion. Oh, my God. Are we being

robbed? No, Nadine.

Just listen to what I have to say. The man you are talking with is Casper

Hirsch, the restaurant critic from Jack's newspaper.

He likes to catch people off guard, which is why the service has to be

excellent, but not so friendly that he thinks we know who he is. I understand

completely, but I'm afraid he's not a very nice man, Wally.

But the guy is a real creep.

He put his own mother in a nursing home just to get her washer -dryer.

And last month I saw him shove a stick into the spokes of a guy's wheelchair so

he could get ahead of him in line at the movies.

Oh, this is perfect.

If anybody wants me, I'll be opening a Chuck E. Cheese in Des Moines.

You're killing me.

I can't stand to see you going through this.

Maybe I should tell her I love her now. That'd make her feel better.

What am I doing?

Am I insane?

Not only was she laughing in my face, she'd probably poke my eye out with a

tampon.

Miss Smith, I'm ready to order.

Good luck, Nadine. He doesn't scare me.

Yes, are you ready to hear our specials now?

If I have to.

All righty.

We have a very delicate homemade ravioli stuffed with chicken and fennel. I hate

fennel. I hate it more than anything.

Well, then we have a grilled tuna with tomato and olive compote. I hate tuna

I hate the word compote.

Don't say compote again.

And finally, we have a wonderful rack of lamb with rosemary and garlic. How do

you know it's wonderful?

You people don't have to eat any of this crap.

All you care about is whether you get a good tip or not. And don't stand so

close to me. You're sucking all the air out of my face.

Would you like a moment to think about it? No.

I will risk my life on the calf's liver with port wine and ginger.

Ooh, let's hope.

Abe, I think he wants you.

You mean, you think that man is snapping his fingers at me?

Oh, my God, he's coming over here.

Okay, heads up, everybody. Horse's ass at 2 o 'clock.

Excuse me, bartender?

Yes? I ordered a Manhattan, and I'm not a chemist, so I'm at a loss as to what

you actually poured into that glass.

But if it's bourbon, and if it is vermouth, then the proportions are all

Make the drink again. This time, do it right.

Abe?

Well, hello, Stein.

Tynan!

It's true. You two hang out in this swamp hole.

Yeah, we love it here. I mean, we really love it. And you know, the food is

incredible. What exactly would that mean, according to your standards,

Extra packets of ketchup and a moist towelette?

Acceptable.

Abe, I know that must have been hard, but listen, I'm glad you controlled

yourself the way you did. Yeah, yeah, I feel real good about that.

Of course, it also helps I gave him a glass I used to gargle with.

Mac, let me ask you something.

I have heard something about Hirsch that I've never been able to confirm.

That he takes bribes? Yeah, you heard that too?

You know that rating system he has? One fork is good, two forks is very good,

and three forks is excellent.

I heard it's 500 bucks a fork.

Oh, wow.

Now what?

Do I tell Wally?

She's not going to like the idea of my bribing a critic.

What should I do, Mac?

How the hell should I know? I lost interest in the conversation as soon as

realized it wasn't about me.

I gotta tell her.

Wally.

Wally. I can't talk now, Jack. I'm busy.

I'm not asking you to talk.

I want you to listen, and listen with an open mind so you can make the right

decision.

I have an ungood authority that Casper Hurst can be bought.

What? Are you serious?

Oh, my God. I know what you're thinking. You're outraged, you're disillusioned,

you have every right to be.

But, Wally, you've got to be practical about this.

What are you saying, Jack? That I, a woman who was named one of the most

promising chefs in the city, should bribe Casper Hirsch for a good review?

Is that what you think I should do?

No way.

Henry, reduce this port for another minute. Look, Wally, come on, you've got

face it.

You're never going to get three forks your way.

Fair or not, Casperhurst gives you a bad review, it can close you down.

Unbelievable.

Really unbelievable.

Oh, Wallet.

I thought maybe I shouldn't tell you, and I'm really sorry.

The world can be a horrible place sometimes.

Look, if you want to cry or something, I'm here for you.

How much?

What? How much? How much money is the bride? Come on, come on. 500 bucks a

Are you sure? Meg told me. Get her in here.

Meg, come on.

Are you sure you can do it? You really think you can do it?

Oh, Wally, you're cooking liver.

Is it yours, Jack?

Meg, are you sure that this guy, Hirsch, can be bought, or are you just setting

me up?

Gee, that would have been a blast. But, no, my info's good.

Okay, let's go for it.

She's going to go for it. What a woman.

I've got $75 in my purse. What do you have, Jack? I think I got about $100.

Meg, can you help me out?

Normally I'd say no, but let's face it. If this place closes, I'll be spending

my time in pottery class at City College. Here.

Take everything I've got.

Jack, get Abe in here. I'm going to need him to empty the cash register.

Is she great or what?

Abe.

You look beautiful, Wally. I want to remember you just like this.

What's going on?

I need to bribe Casper Hurst for a good review, so please go out and empty the

cash register and bring me whatever money is in there.

Okay.

Boy, you just can't throw Abe, can you?

Hey, what's going on in here?

You guys weren't planning on ditching me, were you?

Ray, give me whatever money you have on you. I'll pay you back tomorrow.

You know what they say, Wally, neither a borrower nor a lender be.

Ray, I have to bribe Casper Hurst to get a good review, and I need $1 ,500 to do

it. Bribe?

You give a bribe, Wally?

Oh, please. Will you stop with the goody -two -shoes bid and just give me your

money?

Ten dollars? That's all you have?

That's right.

Ten honest dollars.

Earned off the sweat of my back.

Toiling in the dumpsters and the landfills. Just give me the money.

Excuse me.

Mr. Hirsch says his calf's liver better not be too dry.

Too dry? Actually, he said it better not be all dried up like me.

I hate that man.

That putrefying little maggot. I'd like to bury him up to his neck in my

backyard and then get on my riding mower and mow his head off and just watch it

roll down the driveway and some kids will come along and they'll play soccer

with it and I'll just stand there with my lemonade and I'll laugh at him all

time. Make it easy.

Make it easy.

You don't have to be nice to that creep anymore, Nadine. I just found out he's

on the take. But I don't have enough cash to buy a good review.

Well, I have my mad money.

My mother used to call it that. I never knew why. I assumed it was in case she

went mad.

Which she did.

Here you go.

Forty. Big one. Give him the green handshake, Wally.

All right. In the register, we had $1 ,120.

Great. Oh, now, wait a minute. Now, if you spend this, we won't have enough

money to pay for that new refrigerator we need.

Abe, I know, but we worked so hard to get the shamrock off the ground.

We have so much at stake here.

Okay, here you go.

And I got my tax refund, 108 bucks.

I wanted to buy myself ten minutes' worth of health insurance.

But what the hell?

I want all three of those damn forks.

Thanks, Abe.

Okay. There's $1 ,200, $1 ,300, $1 ,400 and $80, $1 ,400 and

$90.

Give me the $10, Ray.

I can't. It's against my conscience.

Ray, I want you to look into my eyes.

What do you see?

It's like the opening to hell.

That's right, Ray.

Now, give me the money.

All right, I'm in the game.

Now, Nadine, Abe, go back out to your post and act casual.

His plate is ready.

I'm going to serve him myself.

Wish me luck, Jack.

Wally, there's something I want to tell you. Do you think it can wait?

I'm about to compromise everything I've ever believed in, and this liver's

getting cold. Oh, sure, sure.

Hello. I'm Wally Porter, the chef and owner of the Blue Shamrock. Let me just

say how enjoyable it's been eating in a neighborhood where the busboys have to

wear flak jackets.

I always like to serve our new customers personally.

And by the way, I added a little extra garnish.

I trust it's to your liking.

Oh, yeah.

You know, no meal is ever complete without a little something green.

Ooh, ooh, that does smell good.

I trust you have enough fork?

Oh, yeah.

Three fork, to be exact.

Then, bon appétit.

Well, what happened?

It worked!

I was brilliant!

I swear, I pulled it off so smoothly, I could be a government contractor.

I gotta tell you, that was very impressive.

I bet you don't pay for cable, either.

Personally, I feel sullied.

Now, look, Wally, don't get carried away with this. I'm too old to hop in a beat

-up Chevy with you and drive across country knocking off a string of gas

stations. Excuse me, Wally.

Whitney, Dean.

We're having a little problem out in the restaurant there. It's about Mr.

Hirsch. Oh, come on. What does that slug want now?

Well, actually, he's not asking for much of anything.

Then what's the problem?

Oh, how to put this delicately, he's dead as a stump.

Good night, now. Thank you for coming. Don't be strangers.

And remember, death is just a natural part of life.

Wally, Wally, Wally.

They're gone now.

Come on and sit down over here. Look, it's not your fault.

These things happen. Isn't that right, Meg?

I'm looking at a stiff, floating face down in a bed of caramelized onions.

What am I going to tell you? It hurts for me.

Oh, man.

You know how bad things happen in threes?

Well, here comes two and three. We're done now.

I came back to see how Wally was doing. I didn't want her to think that I ran

out on her in her time of need.

How you doing, Walt?

I know how you can get.

You didn't kill a man, did you?

No, I didn't kill him.

What the hell's going on here?

You from downtown?

No, west side.

Hey, be careful how you handle a plane of evidence there, Pally. One false move

in this case ain't worth the paper it's printed on.

Did you call forensics?

You're supposed to do that.

I know that. I was just checking.

My God, this is sickening.

I think you've seen it all, and then something like this happens.

It shakes you up, huh?

That's good.

Keeps us human.

By the way, Officer Gilroy.

Yeah?

Are you single?

No, why?

Just curious.

Oh, my God.

What? The money.

Still in his inside coat pocket. I saw him put it there.

We have to get it back.

Wait, what are you talking about?

I gotta get the money back.

The man's dead. Dead.

I need the money, Jack. It's my new refrigerator money. I can't afford to

it. Create a diversion.

Create a diversion?

You're scaring me, Wally. I mean it.

Wally, I can handle this. When your husband's in the big house for stock

you learn to live by your wits.

Officers?

I'd like a nice cup of coffee and a lovely eclair to get you out of that old

donut rut.

I can go for that. How about you?

You got any brioche?

Okay, I'm making my move.

And I was going to tell her I love her today.

I should really think about this.

I mean, the woman has ice water in her veins.

I mean, what if she suddenly decides that I've outlived my usefulness?

I swear I'll never try to gloss over foreplay again.

I wonder how many corpses Wolfgang Puck had to rob before he became a success.

Okay, I got the money.

At least he didn't put up a struggle.

All the things I've seen here today.

I used to think that you women were the fairer sex.

Now I know you're nothing more than a bunch of pit bulls that smell good.

Well, I don't know about anybody else, but this sort of thing really makes you

think, doesn't it?

You never know when your time is up.

I guess that's why it's important to live each day to the fullest.

Come on, Ray, let's go. I want to get home in time to catch Letterman.

Ma 'am, thanks for the snack food. We'll be going now. The coroner's on his way.

Wait a minute. What am I supposed to do? Just sit here and stare at him?

I wouldn't bother serving him any coffee.

Molly, look.

It's going to be okay.

I know.

Molly, there's something I really want to tell you.

I hope it's not bad news, Jack.

Well, it depends.

My Jeep is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

I mean, I waited 42 years.

Oh, hell.

Wally, I love you.

What?

I love you.

Oh.

That's not really the response I was looking for.

Why do you love me, Jack?

Why?

Wouldn't you be better off just getting a dog?

Yeah, probably.

I mean, this is very scary.

When you say I love you to somebody, it feels so permanent. And for me,

permanent always meant boring.

But you're not a boring woman, Wally.

He got that one little screw loose in your brain.

And I love that.

One screw loose?

Jack, the whole chassis is falling apart.

See, just when I think I got you figured out, you surprised me.

And I love that, too.

Oh, well, I just love everything about you.

You know, I ordered a pastrami sandwich the other day, and I don't know,

suddenly I...

I started to pick the fat off it.

I'd never done that before.

I guess I just want to live a little longer so I can spend more time with

So what do you think?

I hate you, Jack Stein.

Well, that's another way to go.

I hate you because you came into my life at exactly the wrong time, and you

screwed everything up.

And we're totally wrong for each other.

And none of it matters because I love you too.

Do you believe in life after death?

Wow, we're really talking about an extended commitment here.

Why don't we just make a date for next New Year's Eve and go from there?

You're on.