Original subtitles

New York at Christmastime. The lights on Fifth Avenue, the snow in Central Park,

the tourists taking all the good tables at restaurants, the lines at every

department store making it impossible for me to buy new underwear for the

month of December.

You only have to go through one holiday season in New York to realize that when

the Grinch stole Christmas, he was doing everyone a big favor.

Look, pal, let me give you my take on your big holiday.

It's not all eggnog and sleigh rides.

It's people feeling depressed and listening to John Denver sing The Little

Drummer Boy while they make a noose out of twinkle lights.

Real mature, Santa!

They're like street gangs roaming in packs.

Now, who is this?

This is Bob.

His wife left him, and he's been on a tear since Halloween.

Oh, my God, it's a nightmare.

Are you all right, Ray?

Yeah, I think so.

I went down to Toy World.

Went to some last -minute shopping.

There was like 40 of us waiting in line for the Batman dolls to come out of the

stock room.

Then the manager announces there's only $10 left.

That's when it happened.

A wall of human flesh surged forward and ran over me.

The room started spinning. I couldn't get any air.

Somehow, in all the confusion, I got a doll.

Good going, Ray.

I couldn't believe it. I started running as fast as I could to the checkout

line. I almost got there.

Out of nowhere, some woman blindsided me.

It was a brief struggle and, well, a sickening sound of snapping plastic.

Batman's head got torn off.

But, uh, here, Mary Margaret. I thought it was something maybe you'd like.

Wow.

Thanks, Ray.

I could use this. I lost the stopper to my bathtub, and it's just the right

size.

And a very Merry Christmas, one and all.

Eggnog! From my very own recipe. Merry Christmas, Jack.

Oops. Happy Hanukkah to our Jewish friends.

Man, she's been like this for days.

I keep waiting for it to wear off, but I'm just now starting to realize she

hadn't been drinking.

Laughing all the way. Oh, I love this time of year. There is so much to look

forward to. The children are coming home from college, we're piling into the

minivan, and we're all going off to visit Daddy in the state pen.

Your husband's in prison?

What'd he do, try to kill you?

Oh, but you want to know what's interesting? They sent us a whole list

we're not allowed to bring inside the prison gates. Look.

Guns, knives, hacksaws, candy canes. What's wrong with candy canes? Well, it

seems that a few years ago there was an incident.

Some of the inmates sucked them down to points and used them as weapons.

Oh, please, don't be ridiculous. I'm 35

years old.

I won't be hurt if you go to London for Christmas.

You're my parents. I know you love me.

No, no. Now you go and have fun. I'll be fine, really.

I love you, too.

I hate them.

My own parents are ditching me on Christmas.

For 35 years, we spent every Christmas together in Connecticut, trimming the

tree, roasting a goose, watching my Aunt Rosemary get drunk and drink the water

out of the Christmas tree stand.

and dwelling on it.

This is a great opportunity to finally do what I want to do for the holidays.

Be with Jack.

Yeah.

I better start making the plans.

I want this to be perfect.

Come on, Ray. That story is completely ridiculous.

Some honest -shaped guy in a red suit travels all over the world delivering

those toys in one night without Federal Express?

Stop!

Okay, okay. So the story's got a few holes in it.

Let me tell you, when you wake up Christmas morning and you see that big

under the tree, you don't ask any questions.

Boy, if you left it up to me, I would hibernate until the whole damn season's

over.

Oh, hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Listen, I was thinking, when you go up to Connecticut for Christmas, you should

really remember to stop delivery of your newspaper, because in this time of

giving and receiving, there's also a lot of breaking and entering.

I'm going to Connecticut. My parents decided to spend Christmas in London.

Oh, really? I thought you spent every Christmas together.

Yeah, but actually, this year will be kind of liberating. I'm a grown woman,

I've never spent the holidays doing what I wanted to do, which is to be with...

the McGowan at their Christmas party.

Now, I would ask you... to come with me, Jack, but I have a feeling you might

not enjoy sitting around a piano, drinking hot toddies, and singing deck

halls. You like that?

Jack, I'm a wasp. It's what we do.

You knew that going in. You're right, you're right.

And besides, you'll probably have Hanukkah with your mother, right?

Well, actually, I won't be celebrating Hanukkah with my mother this year.

She and my Aunt Sadel decided to go to a dude ranch in Phoenix.

They get weird in retirement.

So it looks like we'll both be on our own for the holiday.

But that'll be good. I can get a lot done.

Yeah, I usually just go see a movie on Christmas Eve when the theaters are nice

and empty, and then I just, you know, grab some Chinese food.

So this'll be good. Yeah, it'll be fine.

Well, I'd better get back in the kitchen. Big crowd coming in tonight.

Okay. We're into the whitewater rapids of relationships.

Religion. Jack doesn't feel comfortable sharing his holiday with me, and he

obviously has no affection for Christmas.

So it's probably best if we just let each other off the hook. I mean, do I

really want to spend all day icing yarmulkes on my gingerbread man so he'll

at home?

I don't think so.

God bless the world's old Christmas day.

Oh, good, I'm on a roll.

Hey, everybody.

I have some complimentary tickets here. I am starring as Bob Cratchit in an

avant -garde production of A Christmas Carol.

Very challenging, actually. Scrooge and Marley have a nude scene.

Humble pass on the front row seat for that one.

So, uh, it's our first Christmas apart since the divorce.

You gonna be okay?

Oh, yeah.

Well, there's a...

Something that I want to talk to you about, Walt.

Every time I walk into the bar and I see that tree, I look up to that angel, the

angel that you and I bought together for our first Christmas.

I feel very sad.

Well, gee, Kip, give yourself a break. Don't come in the bar anymore.

I know that you got all the Christmas decorations and the divorce, but I was

just wondering, is there any way that I could have the angel?

Oh, no, Kip. That angel means a lot to me. I connected with her the minute I

her.

She symbolizes the whole holiday to me. But she's a symbol to me, too, Wally, of

what we once had together. And if I give her up, it's kind of like admitting

that it's really over between us.

Gee, Kip, didn't that whole divorce proceeding sort of get that ball

You know, it's lucky for you that I'm already inhabiting the character of Bob

Cratchit, who is really passive.

I just need her to help me get through this one Christmas, please. I'm all

alone.

All right.

All right, you can have her.

Thanks, Walt.

You're a very giving person.

Well, I'm off.

It's curtain time.

And thanks again, Walt.

You'll always have visitation rights.

I really love that angel.

Jack, can I talk to you for a second?

I'm taking a big risk here because what I'm about to say might possibly be

interpreted as doing something nice for somebody.

I think your girlfriend there would really like to be with you on the

Stop being such a jerk and go work it out.

Yeah, but this whole holiday thing is a very touchy maneuver for us.

One wrong move and we're history by Groundhog Day.

Hey, we all have to do things we don't like on the holidays. You think I enjoy

spending an entire weekend with my sister Colleen and her many tiny and

children?

It's no holiday eating breakfast with some kid who's trying to break his own

personal record for how far he can blast a fruit loop out of his nose.

Anything I can do in here?

Oh, that jar is stuck.

So, that McGowan's party you're going to sounds pretty interesting.

Oh, it'll be interesting, all right.

I'll see their daughter who will open the present I spent hours trying to find

and say, I already have that.

And Dan McGowan will corner me in the kitchen and tell me, I love what you're

wearing.

Is that velvet?

Jack, I'm miserable. I want to be with you.

Oh, Waddle, I want to be with you. I thought you wanted to celebrate

Look, maybe there's some way we can blend our holidays.

Well, that would be so great.

Okay, look.

Thursday is Christmas Eve. It's also the sixth night of Hanukkah. How about you

come to my place for a little Hanukkah? And then we'll go to my place for a

little Christmas.

And the next morning we'll wake up and spend a little time practicing for New

Year's Eve.

Talk about pressure.

I'm going to introduce Wally to the miracle of Hanukkah.

And I want her to like it as much as Christmas.

That's a lie. I want her to like it more than Christmas.

That way she'll convert.

And then if we eventually get married, our children, Moses and Esther, won't be

confused.

All right, my first Hanukkah. I want it to go well. I want to show Jack that I

can share his holiday.

But it's also a good opportunity to change his mind about Christmas.

How could our children, Brittany and Christian, go through life without

and Christmas trees?

Merry Christmas.

Shalom.

Whoa, you look very nice.

And your place looks the same.

Oh, you left the decorating for us.

No, it's done. See?

Besides, Hanukkah's about other things, which I'll now show you.

The first thing we do is take a small glass of wine each.

The wine symbolizes the sweetness of the celebration.

we light the candles. And there's one for each day.

This is day six, thus the six candles.

And Wally, since only a special person gets to light the candles, I'd like that

to be you.

Oh, Jack.

But before we do that, why don't you explain the significance of Hanukkah to

I'd love to.

Okay.

There was this tribe called the Maccabees, and the Romans destroyed

temple, and... Why?

Somebody said something about somebody's sister, and it escalated.

Anyway, the Maccabees needed to rebuild, and they only had enough oil to light

their lamp for one night.

Well, then why didn't they rebuild in the daytime?

make sense?

Polly, this is your listening time, not your talking time.

Anyway, the oil miraculously lasted for eight days.

Thus, we have the Festival of Lights.

And now, we pray.

I rehearsed.

My mother would be so proud of you.

Once we revived her after the news, you're not Jewish.

This was beautiful.

What's next?

That's it.

That's it?

What do you mean, that's it?

Oh, it's a very simple holiday without a lot of trappings.

Well, then maybe this would be a good time for me to give you your Hanukkah

gift.

Here you go, Jack.

Live and be well.

Molly, this is incredibly beautiful.

Is it cashmere?

Yes, it is.

Well, I mean, you must have been saving up for months for this. Thank you.

This is going well, isn't it?

It's going great.

It's about to get better.

Here's your gift.

Gee, an envelope.

I wonder what could be inside.

Cash!

You gave me cash for Hanukkah.

Yep, $18.

Go ahead, count it.

Well, how come it isn't an even 20?

Because, Wally, this is called Hanukkah gelt. It's the traditional gift. And for

the Jews, 18 is a significant number. It's the number of life.

I see.

Well, this is a very nice gift, Jack.

So unexpected.

You can never have enough singles.

Thank you.

So, unless I can interest you in a little dry brisket or some stripped

I think that concludes the Hebraic portion of the evening.

Then you know what that means.

It's time for a little Christmas.

Oh, boy.

This place.

Okay, she went to a little more trouble than I did.

I had such a good time doing this.

But I saved the best part for us to do together.

The decorating of the tree.

That's some tree.

Must be seven feet.

You never see a big piece of the outdoors like that in a Jewish home.

Oh, my God.

What? I think it's crooked.

We need to move it around a little. It's bushier in the back.

Jack, would you straighten it?

Hanukkah, did I ask you to move my couch?

No, it was better before. Just go back.

Oh, for crying out loud, I got sap on my pants.

Oh, all right.

That's good.

I guess.

Holly, what is this?

Is the entire city of New York plugged into this socket?

It's just a few extra things.

Are you insane?

You know what these trees are?

They're killers, Wally.

All you see in the news this time are your Christmas tree fires.

The nice Gentile family leaves their home.

They go to dinner.

The place burns down. They're always stunned.

You know what you need, Jack?

You need a little Christmas music.

And in Brooklyn, three Christmas tree fires are raging.

Here we go.

My absolute favorite piece of Christmas music.

Exactly the right background for this very special moment.

Here you are, Jack.

Your very own personal tree ornament.

See? It says Jack on it.

How about that?

Hang it on the tree.

Go ahead, Jack.

Pick out the perfect spot.

Are you hiding your ornaments? Hiding? What hiding? Who's hiding?

You hate this, don't you, Jack?

You're hating this whole thing.

Look, to be perfectly honest with you, Wally, I just feel that the Christmas

thing... It's just a little foreign to me.

Well, Hanukkah's foreign to me.

But I made the effort. I learned the prayer.

I even worked on my huh sound.

You were great at my place, Wally, and...

I never thought anybody would do that for me.

But, I don't know, I just can't relate to Christmas.

Jack, this is the serious problem.

I adore Christmas.

It's a big part of my history of who I am.

I know.

But it's everywhere.

And my holiday, my history gets lost in the shuffle.

And why not? I mean, Hanukkah does not have all the pizzazz of Christmas.

There's no story about Frosty the Yenta.

I always felt left out as a kid.

There'd always be this big Christmas tree in the school gym and no menorah.

Christmas and Hanukkah aren't that different.

They're both about peace on Earth, goodwill to men and women.

I know. I know.

But, Wally, you gotta understand.

There are only 12 million Jack Steins left in the world.

Every time I hang a stocking or sing a carol, I'm betraying the future.

So where do we go from here?

I have no idea.

I was going to give you a Christmas gift.

I'd still like to if you're sure you aren't going to break out into hives or

anything.

I think I'll be okay.

This is incredible.

Are you sure? Is it okay?

Oh, this is the greatest gift I've ever gotten.

Thank you.

And I actually have a little something for you.

You do?

Here.

You didn't have to do this.

Just rip the paper. Rip the paper? Rip the paper?

She kills the tree, but she saves paper.

You're a very complex personality.

Oh, Jack.

An angel.

I don't believe how perfect she is.

I'm going to finish decorating the tree. Now, you don't have to participate.

I'll enjoy Christmas just having you near me.

Great.

I'll just read the paper.

Wally, you're not going to put that blue in there. It's too close to the other

blue one.

Really? I don't think so.

Oh, yes, it is.

Stand over here. You'll see.

Now, look.

Isn't that better? Admit it.

And then if you take this red one and you put it up here like this, the blue

really pops.

You have a flair for this.

God, Jack, this is so frustrating.

Isn't there some way we can enjoy both holidays?

One thing I do like about Christmas, I'm what you like it.

And I like Hanukkah, although I could do without that sweet wine.

good kosher cabernets out there.

I'll be in charge of that area next year. Fine.

But you have to agree.

No eggnog, no tree adjusting, and we have to find some common ground in this

music. Good King Wentz's cloth is out.

Nat King Cole is in?

Agreed. And do we unilaterally agree to place a ban on fruitcake?

Agreed.

But you know, I think mistletoe would be a nice addition to Hanukkah.

I gotta talk to my rabbi about that.

I just happen to have some right here.

I believe we've reached an accord.

Merry Christmas, Jack.

Happy Hanukkah, Wally.