Original subtitles

At age 35, I never counted on having to date again.

As the judge granted my divorce, I was imagining my new life.

Sitting at a bar, sipping a Campari and soda, while some periodontist who's a

member of the hair club for men tries to pick me up.

It was at that moment I decided to spend the rest of my life alone.

Twenty minutes later, I met Jack.

Look at him.

Isn't he great?

And hear that little sound he makes when he sleeps?

You can't really call it a snore.

It's too musical.

I really should sleep, but I have to touch him.

Well, is it time to get up? If you play your cards right.

It's dark out. I had a deadline.

I'm tired.

Night, sweetie.

Uh -oh.

Look at that face.

Is that a perfect face?

She smells like a fresh garlic crouton.

I don't know why that always turns me on.

Rise and shine.

Jack, wait.

Don't worry, you'll catch up.

Oh, my God, look at the time.

I'm going to get to the fish market. All the good salmon will be gone.

I'll be stuck with the ones with all those tumors over their eyes.

Okay, Walt.

I know what's going on, and I understand.

What are you talking about?

Last night, I was tired and you weren't. So this morning, when I was no longer

tired, you said no to even things out.

Fear is fear. No, that's not it at all, Jack. I just didn't feel like it.

I'm in a rush.

Well, you've been in a rush before.

And you've had deadlines before.

When you didn't feel like it last night, that didn't mean anything.

Did it?

No. It's just that we always feel like it.

Don't we?

Sure.

But it's not like we don't find each other attractive anymore. We don't have

get paranoid about this.

Do we?

Of course not.

But I should probably get a nicer robe. I look like a chew toy.

Oh, come on.

We don't have to impress each other anymore.

I don't mind you in something stained.

It's me who looks a little frumpy.

Frumpy? No.

Loose flannel is good.

It, uh, you know, it leaves a lot to the imagination, and that's so refreshing

in today's society.

So what happened last night and this morning?

I don't even know why we're talking about it.

Well, I better go change.

Yeah.

Well, that went well.

We're brother and sister now.

Look at that couple.

They haven't said a word to each other for 20 minutes.

Yes, they did. He asked her to chew with her mouth closed.

You know, sometimes the quiet ones are the most passionate.

I myself am quite soft -spoken. What are you saying, Ray?

That underneath this green jumpsuit, I've been known to seethe with passion.

You sure you're not just allergic to the material?

I'm telling you, the minute a man becomes comfortable with a woman, the

goes out.

All men should be sent off to an island where they can walk around in ripped

underwear and drink milk out of the carton until they drop.

Sounds like heaven to me.

I'm sorry, but I'm having a private conversation here.

You're sorry? I had to hear it.

Oh, quite a humorous quip. One for dinner, sir?

Yeah, right.

I'm looking for some guy named Wally Porter.

I'm Wally Porter.

I'm Abe Johnson, Ike Johnson's brother.

He left me a stake in this place.

20%. Got a copy of the will right here.

Oh, please.

You expect me to hand over 20 % of this place to a complete stranger who says

he's Ike's brother?

What kind of moron do you think I am?

I don't think the kind really matters.

Nice return.

They could definitely be related.

You have any ID?

Yeah, I got my driver's license.

You're from Detroit?

Yep. 24 years.

I'm an unemployed auto worker.

Let's just say I didn't have the best luck.

Worked on the Corvair, the Pinto, the Gremlin,

Pacer. Then I went to Ireland and I worked on an independent model, the

DeLorean.

You poor soul. You have certainly seen rough times.

a question. Would you categorize yourself as an angry black man?

Not till just now.

Look, look, I don't want to take up any more of your time, so if you just write

me a check for 20 % of this place, I'll be on my way. Yeah, right.

What's so funny?

Sorry, but in order to write you a check, there'd have to be profits.

Well,

when do you think you're going to see those profits?

Well, let me see. I bought this place three months ago in a moment of

I'm located in a part of town where the main industry is hubcap resale.

And I'm just now starting to attract customers who don't wear pantyhose on

heads.

All right, all right, I get the picture.

But as part owner, I got to protect my investment.

There's only one thing to do.

Offer myself a job.

I accept.

It's obvious you need a bartender. That man over there ordered a shot of

bourbon, and she put an umbrella in it.

Look, Wally, I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here, but I think you should

give him a chance.

It's what Ike wanted.

Well, we do need a bartender.

We'll see how well we get along.

Well, this is a sissy -looking apron.

Needs something with stripes.

And when we have time, we'll talk about that menu.

Where's the baseball bat?

The what?

The baseball bat, you know, for clubbing the drums.

Oh, I suppose you're going to tell me you don't club your drums.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Hey, Walt.

I need something from you. Let me guess.

Your alimony check.

Wally, please. You think that's the only reason I come here?

But it is late. Your purse is usually right behind the bar. You want me to get

it?

Yeah, we do need a bath.

Thanks a lot, honey. I really appreciate it.

Hey, who's this?

Abe Johnson.

Ike's brother.

He's taking over for him.

Maybe.

Hey, Ike's brother.

Welcome. I'm Kip Zakaris.

You know, you look familiar.

Didn't I see you on Jake and the Fat Man?

Why, yes, yes, you did.

I played Mr. York, the psychotic math tutor.

Oh, yeah, right. It was during that very show I shot my TV.

Well, it was a very powerful performance. I know that.

Here you go, Kip. This should cover your debt at the tanning salon.

Thanks, honey. I was about to lose my booth privileges.

If there's anything I can do for you... Actually, there is something.

I have a question I want to ask you.

When we were together, did we... Well, did we have a good sex life?

I'm still smiling.

Why are you asking me this?

Ah. Wait a minute. This is about what's -his -name, isn't it?

Jack. His name is Jack.

He's having a mechanical problem, isn't he?

Don't blame yourself. I've always thought that he was a little unreliable.

And men slow down.

Well, not all men.

Forget I ever brought it up. Wally, please, I understand.

Listen, you have needs, and you're talking to the one person who

what those needs are.

You know, you and I can light that fire between us again.

I have a date tonight, but tomorrow... I can't believe I spent five precious

years of my life married to you.

I could have spent the time better driving wooden spikes into my head.

An obvious sexual illusion.

Wally, I hope you don't think I'm a nosy parker, but I've been watching you, and

I can tell you're troubled by something.

You don't have to keep it inside. You have friends who will listen, right,

Say what?

Nothing. Not even worth talking about.

I'm fine.

It's Jack.

I don't think he finds me attractive anymore.

I can get into this. Let's get a table.

So what's the scoop? And don't leave out any details you don't think are

important. I still might find them amusing.

I don't know. I feel like it's ending.

The heat is gone.

Things slowed down for me and Charles, but eventually we settled into a very

comfortable pattern.

What kind of pattern?

Three times a day.

What?

Usually once in the morning, once after nightline, and he'd either come home for

lunch or I'd drive to the office and he would have me in the Xerox room.

And this is supposed to make me feel better?

This is really bothering me because I've been here before with Kip.

It's the first step, and then it's just a matter of time before Jack loses

interest completely.

Jack. Jack.

Jacko.

At least you make her laugh. That counts for something.

What?

Who's that?

You're never going to believe this.

It's Ike's brother, Abe.

He inherited Ike's share of the place.

Are you serious?

How do we know he's not an imposter coming to take everything that Ike

all those years for?

Look, we owe it to the big guy to make sure.

Excuse me. Yeah. I'd like to order a drink.

I'll have a peach daiquiri.

Let me ask you something.

Do you pee standing up or sitting down?

Well, that's proof enough for me.

Hi, Abe. Pleasure to meet you. I'm Jack Stein.

I was pretty close with your brother.

Then you must want a beer. And a bottle, if you don't mind.

All right.

Is anything wrong, Jack?

Wrong? What would be wrong?

You look a little jumpy.

Molly, she seems like she could bite the head off a chicken.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Everything's great.

What is she doing over there anyway?

I can't even think about it.

Two women talking together is scary enough.

Three or more and it's a coven.

Doesn't look good.

Ray, do me a favor.

Stroll on over there and play a song in a jukebox. And pretend you don't even

know they're there. But while you're doing it, listen in.

Can do.

10 -4.

Roger Wilco. Just go.

You know, life used to be simpler in bars when it was just guys slugging each

other. Yeah, we'll never see those days again.

Well, we can hope.

So?

I only heard three words.

Sex? Problem?

Jack.

It never laughed.

When I was covering the rodeo at the garden last year, I started dating a

clown. You dated a clown?

A rodeo clown.

They happened to be phenomenal athletes.

But eventually, we had problems.

After a while, he couldn't perform unless I chased him around the room and

scared him into a barrel.

Oops.

Let me ask you something, Wally.

What are we wearing to bed these days?

Are we making our best effort, or have we slipped into that old flannel

nightgown habit?

Well... Oh, well, there you are. It looks like they're talking feelings.

They could be there for months.

Like women are the only ones with feelings.

Men have feelings.

Absolutely. You have feelings, don't you, Abe? My back aches.

See?

Maybe we could talk out what's happening with you and Wally.

Might help.

Sure. Great.

So, uh... You and Wally... Well... Yeah, I thought so.

I mean, you know, so Wally and I didn't...

Well, you know how it is. Oh, yeah.

I mean, what the hell?

Am I right? Absolutely.

So, I'm thinking... Hotel.

No, sir.

Thanks, guys. I needed this.

Jack, I was talking... Me, too.

I was talking, too.

With the guys.

Jack, we have to talk. We have a problem.

We are a million miles away from each other, and we both know why.

We have to find some way to handle this problem.

Well, actually, I was thinking about this, and I figured, well, maybe we

to, I don't know, handle this by checking into a hotel.

You want to take me to a hotel?

I'm pretty sure this is why hotels were invented.

Actually, I was thinking about getting a new teddy. Red?

Yes. Silk? Of course.

See -through? If that's what it takes. You're on.

So, how about if you pick me up tomorrow around 8?

Perfect.

He wants to take me to a hotel.

He saw the problem, too.

He was so sweet and sensitive.

Sex, tomorrow, Jack.

Oh, Jack, the room is beautiful.

It's so romantic.

Ah, what a gorgeous view.

That was a good kiss.

Very.

Once more, just to make sure it wasn't a fluke.

Is it a little stuffy in here?

Yes.

I'll turn down the thermostat.

Oh, man, I shouldn't have had that second piece of cheesecake.

Oh, I know what you mean.

I'm going to lie down for just a minute.

Guess we should have known that food was rich when we...

Looked in the menu and saw that little picture of a heart exploding.

Come here, Jack.

Feels great when you're lying down.

So, what's that you got there?

It's just a little something I picked up.

I like it.

I'm going to put it on right after I digest a few more potatoes.

pants and lay there with their hand in the waistband?

It's cozy.

You're right.

You know, Jack, I have to be honest. I was worried about us before.

But I feel so close to you right now.

Sorry?

No.

This is a good mattress, huh? Yeah.

Feels like we're lying on a cloud.

Yeah. Are you tired?

No. That was a sigh of contentment.

You want to watch TV?

Just for a minute.

Sure.

Oh, look. It's Wuthering Heights.

I love Wuthering Heights.

This movie is so romantic.

Talk about creating a mood.

Yes, you may kiss me and cry and wring out my kisses and tears. I love you.

You know the word.

Don't tell anybody.

Oh, Jack, this is going to be some evening.

Those potatoes were so rich.

Hush, hush, Catherine.

I'll stay.

He shot me through.

I expire with a blessing on my lips.

Oh, the last bit on my underwear is sticking into my waist.

It is hard to forgive that you look at those eyes and feel the weight it has.

Kiss me again.

You see my eyes?

How do I talk to you?

and installation.

So come to Kenny's Carpet for the funnest in Carpet, Carpet, Carpet!

I had this horrible dream about carpet.

Free padding and installation.

All colors and styles.

Oh my God, we were sleeping.

Happened again.

You mean it didn't happen again.

We can't pin the... on the dinner, Jack.

We ate even more when you dragged me to that steak and waffle place and we made

love all night.

We were kids.

It was three weeks ago.

Jack, I know you're not comfortable talking about things like this, but we

to. Hey, I can talk.

We'll talk.

You start.

All right, I will.

Do you want to be with other women?

Boy, when you start, you start.

I have to know, Jack.

I mean, when Kip started to cool, it was the beginning of a lot of bad stuff

between us. I'm not Kip. I mean, how long am I going to have to take the heat

for all of his mistakes?

You know, lately, I feel so much pressure.

The other night, I thought something was wrong because I was tired. And I swear,

I was just tired. I was the tired person who's crazy about you.

I'm crazy about you.

I guess I just keep trying to fight it.

You know, the inevitable.

Yeah, the inevitable.

I thought that was just for other people.

No.

But I guess the couples who learn to accept it are the ones who stay

I guess you're right.

Let me ask you a question, though, Jack.

Did we just agree to never have sex again?

God, I hope not.

But let's make a pact.

We'll only make love when we want to, not when we think we're supposed to.

Good idea.

Oh, wow, it's 4 a .m. We're gonna be zombies in the morning.

I don't even have the energy to get undressed.

Me either.

This will be good practice.

We're in bed, but we'll just go to sleep. No pressure.

Forget about sex.

Great.

Good night, Walt.

Good night, Jack.

I'm not thinking about sex.

Are you?

No.

This is great.

Sleep well.

You're touching me.

You're touching me.

We don't have to do this, you know.

We can stop anytime.

Think about carpeting.

It'll pass.