Original subtitles

New York.

I love this town.

I have my favorite Chinese restaurant, my favorite dry cleaner, and my favorite

New York Post headline.

Headless man found in topless bar.

Pure poetry.

And of course, I have my favorite watering hole, the Blue Shamrock.

I swore if anyone changed one thing about it, they'd have to answer to me.

Well, on a cruel twist of fate, that anyone turned out to be the woman I'm

showering with on a regular basis, Wally Porter.

I hate to admit it, but she just may be able to turn the shamrock into an A

-list joint.

The woman is a real class act.

You slimy little rodent, check the order.

Lettuce, speed up them heads. I'm opening tomorrow night, Leo. I need

radicchio, and bib.

No iceberg, Leo, no iceberg, or I'll put your manhood in a garlic press.

All right, the stock is up. I'll fillet the salmon in a minute.

Ike, did you call the limo company?

Yeah, they'll have a car out front tomorrow at 7.

If you want to throw your money away, you can always throw it at me.

It's a trick of the trade, Ike. You park one limo outside, it emits some sort of

scent. And before you know it, you're overrun with them.

Now, we still have to unpack the new plates. The vases have to be put out.

table wobbles. The bar needs to be polished.

We better hide before she paints us.

Yeah, she's on a roll. She even wants me to throw out the cocktail napkins with

the happy hour jokes on them. If you want to see a napkin, I'll show you a

napkin. Watch carefully.

Over, under, around, and through.

Voila. Now you.

Look at my shirt. Do I look like I fold things?

Listen, mister, we are opening a very chic bistro in 24 hours, so I really

have time for this. Boy, are we getting coops today.

Well, if you're really Henry Kissinger, how tall is your wife?

Oh, God.

Henry? Hi, this is Wally.

Well, I was thinking of a nice roast duck breast with a cranberry glaze.

Oh, please, Henry, Einstein was a genius.

All right, all right. I'm a genius.

Eight o 'clock?

Party of two.

See you tomorrow.

Oh, my God. That was really Henry Kissinger.

I guess I shouldn't have hung up on the man who said he was Stephen Sondheim.

Nadine, you're going to have to get used to this. These are the kinds of people

who are going to be coming in here. I have a very loyal clientele. I can't do

this. It's too much responsibility. I hung up on the man who wrote Send in the

Clouds.

Supposed to show up Woody Allen at table five. Mia Farrow at table ten.

Oh, why don't I just put out my eyes with a shrimp fork?

Nadine, you can do it. You have come so far so fast.

Hang in there.

I don't know. I don't know.

You're not folding.

It's over, guys.

Boz is folding goat cheese.

It's only a matter of time before we're standing outside behind a velvet rope,

bribing Nadine with a Hummel figure to get a table.

There's no point in fighting the inevitable, Mary Margaret.

Blue Shamrock's changing.

But it could be good.

It'll bring the whole neighborhood up a notch.

New people will invest in the area.

Property values will go up.

Our soul will rinse.

Al the dry cleaner will get pushed out.

Families will get evicted. They'll break up, turn to alcohol and drugs, wind up

on the streets.

By the way, what should I wear tomorrow?

I don't know, Ray. Something that won't clash with homeless people.

I made a bunny.

You won't believe what's going on outside.

There's a guy in the corner from the parole petition committee.

Nobody told him.

there looking for anyone in particular?

No, I am.

You miss me? Maybe. Could you take it to another room, please? I have a low

threshold for other people's pleasure.

Let's talk in the kitchen. I have a million things to do.

There's something still not right about that stock. It needs more fennel and

some shallots. Listen, Wally, I have something to tell you.

Things have been so crazy for me today, and my nurse...

It's not like I haven't run a restaurant before, but it's a comeback for me. So

that makes it even bigger than the first time. So, guess who called?

What? I got an important call today. Guess who it was?

Queen Elizabeth.

Oh, come on. That woman wouldn't bother with me. She's got a whole castle full

of perverts over there.

Jack, I've kind of got my hands full. So unless I can win some luggage or a new

car, you're going to have to tell me. All right. Here goes.

Jack Stein, brilliant but unknown national columnist, is going to be doing

piece for Newsweek, the 92 election, how it looks in the streets.

Wow, that's fantastic.

This is curdling. I've never curdled before.

Maybe this isn't a good time.

No, it is. It's a great time.

Newsweek, national magazine, very big opportunity.

So that was the good news.

Uh -oh.

I don't like the sound of that. Well, the bad news is they put the issue to

tomorrow night at midnight, so... I won't be able to be here for your big

opening night tomorrow.

Oh. I'm really sorry.

Hey, no.

I understand.

Lousy timing, huh?

But perfectly okay.

This sort of thing is bound to happen from time to time. We both have careers.

And that's good.

And that's great.

We'll never be one of those pathetic couples joined at the hip. I'd hate

Oh, me too.

So this is working out well.

Absolutely. I'll be so busy tomorrow night, I'd probably have to ignore you,

which would make me feel guilty. And I'd be thinking about how I should be

finishing my story, which would make me feel resentful.

Guilty and resentful. Bad combo. Bad? Terrible.

Well, okay, then. Maybe I'd better get to work. I only have 24 hours to be

brilliant. And I'm way behind on my pastries.

So what about tonight?

Hey. If there's one night I need my sleep... Oh, and I'll be writing.

You know, this will be the first night we've been apart since we started...

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

So, bye.

Oh.

You know, I never knew a relationship could be this good.

Write well.

Thanks. And you sleep well.

Don't worry. I will.

Okay, so I lied.

I didn't want to be one of those clingy types.

Men only like that if your breasts are huge.

And he's got enough on his mind not to worry about me.

God, this is embarrassing. I can't sleep without the man next to me.

I miss that comforting smell of corned beef that lulls me into unconsciousness.

Maybe I'll just visit him for an hour. Then I'll be able to sleep.

I could make it an interesting visit, too.

If I show up wearing nothing but a raincoat and a pair of heels, you won't

the interruption.

Yeah, this could be good.

Take a walk on the wild side.

Do the interesting thing.

Who am I, Marla Maples?

To prove my mother's theory, too much sex destroys the brain cells.

If I disturb him, he misses his deadline, and it's all my fault.

I wonder if I could get corned beef delivered this late.

like this ever happened to me.

Well, as you can see, I've accomplished a lot tonight.

I've discovered that if you dip the Cheeto into the peanut butter at a

angle, it won't break off.

Of course, you have to use the creamy.

So, you see how Wally took the news that I couldn't be at her opening?

She was fine.

Independent and strong is good.

but a little crying would have been nice.

I assume she needed me. Isn't that part of a relationship?

They obviously need each other.

I don't know. What's her problem, anyway?

I mean, I need her.

She's sleeping like a baby, and I'm up all night thinking about why she doesn't

care about me.

What's next?

I'll start walking by her place, checking to see if the lights are on.

Afraid to see the silhouette of another man.

The sound of distant moaning.

Wow, where the hell'd that come from?

I better get back to work.

Oh, like anyone really cares who's president.

heard opening night, I imagine.

I don't know.

People.

I know, it's a long cab ride and it's raining.

It's not dangerous down here, Henry. And if you want to talk about dangerous,

you served under Richard Nixon, for God's sakes.

Oh, spare me the genius speech, Tubby.

I have an announcement, everyone.

Tubby Kissinger will not be here.

Cross him off the list.

I thought that limo out front was supposed to attract people.

At this point, I'll be happy if it just distracts people from the lady on the

corner who talks to gnomes.

She's trying to dance with the limo driver.

I don't know what everybody's complaining about. I think it's going

Ike, we're empty.

Yeah, but I thought we'd be overrun with those uptown types.

You know, guys in ponytails sending drinks to girls in crew cuts.

What the hell is that all about?

Have you had a chance to look over the menu?

Yeah.

We don't get it.

Well, these are appetizers.

Braised baked scallops with a lemon confit.

Subtle, but delicious.

This is herb chev on a bed of endive with watercress. What happened to the

Krispie Squares that Ike used to make?

pants are getting in and... Oh.

Maybe he'll be hungry after.

Boy, this is really dismal.

I almost feel sorry for him.

Hey, Wally.

I'm sure Jack wishes he could be here.

Oh, good, Ray. Bring up a sensitive issue.

While you're at it, why don't you remind her how many childbearing years she has

left?

My God, somebody is actually coming in. All right. Stay calm, everyone.

Ike, be nice.

Hello.

Welcome to the Blue Shamrock. Thank you.

One for dinner?

Well, I'm not sure yet.

Perhaps I'll sit at the bar and just peruse the menu.

Of course.

Anything I can get you?

Oh, let's see. Perhaps a glass of wine while I look.

Excellent. Ike, this gentleman, would like a glass of wine.

Ike will help you in the nicest possible way.

What can I get for you, sir?

Well, let's see.

A cabernet, please.

Full -bodied, but not too tannic.

Something with the depth of the Stirling 74s and the grip of the Jordan 83s.

Yeah.

May I smell the cork, please?

Here.

Don't cut yourself.

Well, I guess it was too much to expect. A decent place in this neighborhood.

Oh, please, don't go. It's just his sense of humor.

I didn't like it. I had a premonition. I pictured him coming in here with his

friends ordering all kinds of things, night after night after night.

That's the idea!

Geez, I'm not getting this at all.

I worked so hard. Why didn't anyone show up?

Probably because I'm located between a bail bondsman and a credit dentist.

God, I wish Jack were here.

I hate to say it. I mean, I almost never say it.

But I need a hug.

And someone to eat 20 pounds of salmon.

I am not going to cry.

I am Wally Porter.

I can debone a chicken in 20 seconds. Damn it.

Polices, everyone. It's opening night.

Where is everybody?

A little slow, huh?

You could say that.

Oh, look, you got a paying customer right here. A table for one, please.

You don't have to do this, Kip. I want to. It's been a long time since I've had

some of Wally Porter's great cooking.

Don't worry, my money's good.

I know. I mailed your alimony check yesterday.

What's that?

Your eye is going.

Whenever you get upset, you get that little twitch.

I don't. Yes, you do.

You remember the day we got married?

You caught my father putting some of the wedding gifts into his car?

First time I saw that, Twitch.

That's not true.

Boy, you haven't changed at all, have you?

You always act as if you're so tough.

Maybe I am tough.

Okay, you don't need anybody.

So what's his name?

Jack.

He couldn't make it.

He couldn't make it? Is that what you said?

It's your big night, and he couldn't make it.

Oh, whoa.

You can't forget it.

I think somebody needs a hug.

I don't need a hug.

You're getting a hug.

I'm warning you. I'm hugging.

No! Here comes your hug.

Yes, I...

12 .30.

Time to go.

Why not?

The crush of people seems to have ended.

You two go. I'll lock up.

All right. I'll see you tomorrow, then.

Don't play with the napkins. They took me all day.

Are you sure you wouldn't like me to make you a little hot cocoa? It worked

my daughter after she was returned from the kidnapping.

That's a whole other story.

Don't worry about me, Nadine. I'll just go home, make myself a dress out of the

drapes. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Okay.

Ike, would you walk me to my car, please?

God, my neck is so tight.

Oh, that problem neck of yours. Let me take a look. No, that's okay. Would you

please stop?

Oh, boy.

You still have that one knot like a walnut just below your left shoulder

My life is hell knot.

Oh, that's it.

There's always bumps in the road.

It's how you deal with them.

Remember that review they gave me when I was doing Richard II?

They called me a nightmare in tights.

But I saw the upside. Everybody was talking about me the next day.

They obviously don't.

I'm gone one day.

Oh, this is a real confidence builder.

You remember all my little spots.

Am I wrong or is this infuriating?

So, Kip.

Jack. Wally. Jack.

Well, I see we won't need name tags here.

I got it out. Thank God.

I feel a little tension here.

Why? Because you had your hands all over my... What should I call you?

I'm going to leave now.

But I want you to know, Jack, well, I think Shakespeare said it best.

If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended, that you have

but slumbered here.

Whilst these visions did appear, give me your hands, if we'd be friends, and

Robin shall restore amends.

Ah, the language.

That's why I became an actor.

By the way, I'm on sweating bullets tonight.

I play an insane crossing guard.

Jack, it might have looked like something.

You think I was jealous?

Of what?

I think you have a little drool there on your shoulder.

Jack.

So, not that I need to ask, but how'd things go tonight?

Fine. A little slow, but I expected that.

Did Kissinger show?

No. Something about world peace.

You know how it is.

How did your article turn out?

Well, it didn't flow out of me like I'd hoped, but it's good. And I made the

deadline just in the nick of time.

Of course, more people will come when word gets out.

Word of mouth is everything.

Boy, it looks like you really cooked your heart out. Yeah, and maybe next

people will even eat it.

It was a disaster.

Everyone canceled.

Everyone. It's like I opened a restaurant in Beirut.

Look at all the fabulous things that went away.

Here, taste.

Oh, Wally.

Taste it.

Fresh poached salmon finished in a white wine tarragon sauce.

supposed to be here, damn it. It was one of the worst nights of my whole life

and you should have been here to at least share it with me.

Just said you didn't need me.

Wow, this is really good.

I know what I said.

I was confused.

I can't think straight when I'm around you. You can't think straight.

This is no piece of cake for me either, you know.

Look, I used to write for 48 hours straight.

Brilliance came out. Gold.

I don't see you for a day. You know what I'm reduced to?

sitting in chock full of nuts trying to write the piece of a lifetime on napkins

while a naked man with a banjo played Oh Susanna.

Well, that's it.

Less than a month into this relationship and already the worst has happened.

Don't say it.

We have to confront it, Jack.

Please.

We need each other.

Oh, God.

It's horrible.

What the hell can we do?

I don't know.

I have no idea what I want from you.

On one hand, I'm thrilled you like the food. On the other hand, I know you have

no taste.

Well, we have to do something. It's only a matter of time before we... Start

finishing each other's sentences.

Oh, no.

Okay, okay. Let's not panic. That's not going to help.

There's got to be somewhere around us.

Forget it, Jack. I hate to be the voice of doom.

But I think we've got it.

And we've got it bad.

I think you're right.

So now what do we do?

Well, we could have sex.

That's your answer to everything?

Well, not for, like, the deficit.

But for something like this, I don't think I'm out of line.

Well, I don't know if I'm in the mood.

I'm in the mood.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You're going to need the limo anymore.

The limo? What limo? It's a long story.

No, no, no. No, wait, wait.

You know, there's a full moon. The rain stopped.

There's a nice breeze.

I think this is a perfect night for a drive.

My man, run surround the park.

Everybody's got it going in a limo.

Try the pate.

Incredible. Hey, let's turn on the TV.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Isn't that Kip?

I had to kill him.

He crossed against the red.

I had to kill him.

Oh, God. Let's see what else is on.

No, I want to watch this.

I don't. No, I want to see this.

dinner for you. I can watch what I want to watch. Hold it. Maybe he gets the

chair.