Original subtitles

New York City, home to hundreds of theaters, bookstores, art galleries,

In short, a festering festival that's the breeding ground of the cultural

They roam the streets in gangs, forcing innocent people to spell common

vegetables. You could be out having dinner with your family, talking about

value. And from nowhere, a crazed university professor comes over and

to name one American playwright.

It's only a matter of time before they kill us in our beds.

Oh, man.

This is a world's record.

Five hours to write one paragraph.

You want to know the source of my whole problem?

A woman.

I was struck down a week ago.

She walked into my favorite watering hole and bought the place, just like

I figured I'd introduce myself to the new owner, so I put my best foot

I hit on her.

She responded by making me the guest of honor at a verbal bris.

Something told me that the master of in -your -face journalism had just met his

match.

Now, you want to hear something really pathetic.

I've only had one date with her.

And we didn't even do it.

But still, I asked her to spend the next 50 years with me.

So, what am I going to do now?

Certainly can't call her.

That'd put me in a weak position.

I'll just go over there.

Let her have another look at me.

Besides, I'm having a good hair day. Why waste it?

Ray, would you do me a favor and help me move this table?

Mom, I relieved.

You're actually talking to me after what happened between us the other night.

Excuse me.

I didn't support you when you bought this place.

Everybody was yelling and screaming that they wanted the blue shamrock to stay

the same.

I guess I was a victim of mob psychology.

There were three people in here.

I'm a sensitive person.

Surprised to hear that from a sanitation worker?

Let me tell you, you know, I cried when I found out Princess Di was lonely, just

like everybody else.

What I'm trying to say is, you know, I support you in whatever you're going to

do here, and I pledge to be a good customer.

Unless you get rid of that pinball machine. Then you're on your own, Missy.

So listen, not to get too personal with someone whose favorite Beatle is

probably Paul, but... What's the story with you and my friend Jack?

I have no idea.

I went out with him once, and all of a sudden he's proposing.

I just got a divorce.

My friend's husband's haven't even hit on me yet.

Listen, I've known Jack for years. He's a typical guy. You know how they are.

They have the attention span of Ross Perot.

Wait a minute.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be expressing some concern for my

welfare. I am?

Damn, I didn't mean to.

Hopped for my doll today at a bad moment. Now I'm uncontrollably pleasant.

Well, maybe we'll talk again in another 28 days.

But for now, I better find out why I can't stop thinking about Jack Don.

Don't say I didn't warn you. Well, back to work. Covering the Yankee game

tonight. More naked jocks in a locker room slapping each other with wet

Oh, boy. Some enchanted evening.

of restaurants in New York.

You're not thinking of making this your hangout, are you?

We are divorced now.

Sorry, honey, I just needed a friendly face.

Go to Burger King.

I finally get the role of a lifetime, Stanley in Streetcar. And this morning

replaced by Tony Danza.

Big TV star.

Mr. Who's the boss?

Well, I've done TV. I was in all three in Tebby movies.

You think they don't remember Aziz the terrorist who sang to the little orphan

girl?

Molly, can I be honest with you?

I think I'm still carrying a torch for you. I don't feel any closure yet.

Gee, that's funny, Kip.

When I caught you with another woman, I felt closure.

When I threw you out of the apartment, I felt more closure.

And when the judge told me I had to pay you alimony, a great big truck pulled up

and dumped a load of closure all over me.

Who thinks the lady doth protest too much?

Me thinks you're an idiot.

Hey.

Hey.

How's it going?

Lousy, rotten, miserable.

It's a woman, right?

Yeah, how'd you know?

I'm a journalist. I can spot these things a mile away.

Besides, I've just been blindsided myself.

You're a journalist, huh?

No, I know my way around the newsroom.

I was in Front Page in summer stock.

I also played a deranged typesetter on Lou Grant.

I don't know, it all seems kind of meaningless now.

Oh, hello.

Hi there.

You look incredible.

Oh, I do not.

I love that tie.

Looks very cute on you.

Oh, this old thing?

You two know each other?

Yeah, actually we do.

This is Jack Stein.

He asked me to spend the rest of my life with him last night.

Jack, this is Kip Sicaris, my ex -husband.

Kip, the actor named Kip.

I've never seen anyone with a dimple inside a cleft.

And exactly how tall are you?

6 '3". How tall are you?

So, you don't really have a type, do you?

Jack, buddy, listen.

The woman is recently divorced.

From me.

You don't want to get involved here. It's a...

It's a rebound thing.

Kim, buddy, champ.

You only want her now because you can't have her.

Jack, buddy, champ, hombre.

I really don't want to see you get hurt here, but I can tell you right now that

you are the coyote, and you are strapping on those Acme rocket skates of

Meep, meep.

I'm really glad you're here.

I think that we should talk about what happened last night.

Right, last night.

Yeah, I think we should, too.

He said he was 6 '3". He's 6 '1", tops.

No, he's 6 '3". Anyway, you said a lot of things to me last night. Yeah, I did.

I did say a lot of things.

And I've been thinking about that.

And I think that maybe I came on a little bit too strong.

I mean, we hardly know each other.

And as Kip pointed out, you haven't had much time to, you know, really find out

what you want.

So maybe we need a little more time to mull things over.

Because it's my problem, not yours.

And, you know, you deserve somebody taller.

And you'll call me. Right.

Can you believe me?

Last night I was ready to buy a burial plot with her.

Now I'm a major schmuck with cold feet.

Oh, did you get a load of kip?

How do I compete with the president of the Lucky Sperm Club?

I've got to forget about her.

a seat taken.

You're going to have to buy something.

Okay.

I'll have a Chardonnay, please.

Look, lady, I got your regular booze and beer.

And if you really want to get hammered, I got half a bottle of cough medicine in

the back.

Just a ginger ale, then.

One ginger ale coming up.

Well, this is exciting.

This place, it's so colorful. If these walls could talk, who knows what tales

they'd tell.

Lady, where the hell do you think you are?

This is New York City.

There's a guy waiting outside who wants to steal your shoes.

I know it may seem that way to you, but if you've lived your whole life in

suburbia, this place is one delicious experience after another. Well, for

instance, this is the first real conversation I've ever had with a black

If that guy with the green hair and the tattoo calls back about the job, tell

him I'm dead.

Excuse me.

Did you say there was a job available?

Yes, but it's a waitressing position.

It is? Oh, my God, I can't believe my luck. I'd like to apply for the job if I

can.

Well, uh... Excuse me for saying this, Miss, uh...

Mrs... Berkus, Nadine Berkus.

You don't seem like the type who would need to wait tables.

Why would you ever want to do this?

Because my children are in college and my husband's in prison.

Stock fraud.

So, I think I need to start over, don't you?

Well, geez, Nadine, I don't know...

Why don't you just let me fill out an application?

You know, I can do a lot of other things that might be helpful.

I can get wine stains out of cotton and chewing gum out of hair.

I can make a nativity scene out of pipe cleaners and popsicle sticks.

Oh, by the way, I'm parked across the street. Is that okay?

Which car is yours?

It's the minivan with the license plate that says Super Mom.

Nadine, somebody's stealing your tires.

They are?

I could never forget about her.

She's the best thing that ever happened to me.

So I was letting some Kip guy stand in my way.

I'm Jack Stein.

I am not afraid to take things on.

Besides, I rented one of Kip's movies, Vampire Hotel 2.

I got all my confidence back after I watched his death scene in the garlic

factory.

So I'm going for it now.

I'm going to say it before you do.

I'm a jerk, a coward, a disgusting little weasel, and I know you'll want to

me. I wasn't going to call you a weasel.

I was thinking more along the lines of an intestinal parasite.

What can I say? When you said you were married to an actor, I guess I was

picturing Danny DeVito.

But Kip, I started thinking, what would you ever see in a guy like me?

You mean, what would I ever see in a smart... funny, challenging, dangerous

person who is not so completely self -possessed that he can't admit to

up big time?

Like now?

Could I kiss you?

No. I gave it a shot.

What do we think now?

Are we going to go past the day, or do I just relive those five wonderful hours

we had together, playing them over and over like there's a Pruder film?

Could I make a wild suggestion?

Before we choose the names of our children, why don't we start with a

date? Second date?

That could be good. And since you invited me to your place for dinner last

why don't you come to my place this time?

Is 8 o 'clock okay?

8 o 'clock is great.

See you at 8.

See you at 8.

The dinner is under control.

But I'm not.

This is the first time I've had a man over here since I threw Kip out.

Stood in front of my closet for 20 minutes trying to figure out what to

I decided against pants.

Too casual.

I had a cocktail dress on, but it was one of those spaghetti strap numbers,

I thought that would send the wrong message.

So I put a sweater over it.

Then I looked like a hooker who worked in an air -conditioned building.

Okay, here we go.

It's showtime.

Hi. Hi. Come on in.

Wow.

Just the kind of room I'm usually not allowed into.

My last restaurant was a big success. But if the blue shamrock doesn't work

I won't be allowed in this room anymore either.

Here, I brought you something.

It's from Sweden.

Let's give him a chance.

It may need some time to breathe.

Okay.

You know, you can tell a lot about a person by what they put on their coffee

table.

So, let's see who I'm dealing with here.

Backlash. The undeclared war against American women.

Hope she doesn't see my name in the index.

Gourmet magazine.

With a picture of Wally cutting the liver out of a goose.

Should she really be winking?

U .S. Business and Political Review.

Now, wait a minute. Nobody buys this.

And there's no mailing label.

She bought this at a newsstand.

All right. She's trying to impress me.

Okay. Here we go.

I didn't know Volvo made wine.

How about a toast?

To me. I didn't track anything in on the carpet.

And to you, for giving me a second chance.

Can I tell you, you look great.

Oh, thank you.

You don't look so bad yourself.

What's that cologne you're wearing?

I ran out of cologne.

I rubbed a car freshener on my jacket.

I like it.

You smell like a clean cab.

That's what I was going for.

Dinner won't be ready for a few minutes.

Would you like a little tour of my place?

Sure. Could we stop at the gift shop afterwards?

I'd like to send some postcards to my friends.

Why don't we start over here?

These are my diplomas from the Cordon Bleu school in Paris. I went there right

after college.

What's down there?

That's the bedroom.

This is a letter I had framed. It's from Julia Child.

She said my coq au vin was the best she ever tasted.

That's the bedroom.

Ah, so here we are.

Ah, the room with the bed.

I guess that would make this the bedroom.

Yeah.

This is it.

Very high bed.

Looks like a queen.

It's a queen, all right.

No ice pick under here.

No.

Boy, those are big pillows.

I bet they're really comfortable.

Oh, they are.

Oh, and there's the sheet.

Is that a floral print?

Let me just take a look.

I was right. It flowers all over the place.

I usually play music when I'm in here.

It relaxes me.

Those curtains, are they always open?

You don't like that, do you?

Oh, no.

I don't like a lot of lights on either.

I guess we're ready.

I guess we are.

I don't know

about this.

How do you get your hair to smell like apples?

Jack, maybe we're going too fast.

If you think so, then we won't.

It's in your hand.

Let's go have dinner.

I never was good at knots.

I'm in a lot of shape. I haven't been to the gym in a while.

I ate a lot of ice cream this year.

I have some cellulite. I won't look.

Well,

he was right.

It is like riding a bicycle.

Although, in many ways, it's so much better.

He was perfect.

And I love that there was this little price tag on his underwear.

Yup.

This was a very positive experience.

Boy, I'm hungry.

I'm not sure I've adjusted to the times I'm living in.

Ever since women figured out that it was okay to enjoy sex, all hell's broken

loose.

How do I put this delicately?

She was an animal.

I couldn't keep up.

I fell off the bed once. She didn't even notice.

Hi there.

Dinner is... served.

You know, a lot of men wouldn't be able to pull that look off.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, here we go.

Rack of lamb with rosemary sauce, rice pilaf, little brown things or pecans,

a sweet potato cognac souffle. Wow, looks great.

Bon appétit.

Wally.

I want to apologize.

For what?

Well, you know, I disappointed you.

You didn't disappoint me.

You were wonderful.

I was not.

I know what I've been wonderful, and this was not one of those times.

What are you talking about?

Wally, could you stop eating for a minute?

I'm just saying that I've been thinking about this moment ever since we met, and

it's not how I expected it to turn out.

You see, I'm really crazy about you.

But I'll understand if you want to end it now.

Wait a minute. Are you backing off again?

It's my thighs, isn't it?

Kip got the Nordic track in the divorce.

You have the most beautiful thighs I've ever seen.

Well, you're insane.

But I knew that going in.

Jack, I don't know what standard you set for yourself, but the American judge

here gives you a ten.

Really? You didn't deduct points when I fell off the apparatus?

This is amazing.

I never thought it would be you.

Jack, I have no business getting into a relationship right now. But what do you

do when the right guy comes along at the wrong time?

And you are the right guy.

Wow. This is going much better than I thought.

So what are we talking about here?

Dating? Going steady?

Do I actually get to keep a robe here?

If you play your cards right, I might even give you a drawer.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

So what happens now?

Am I supposed to go home and sleep alone in my low bed with my tiny pillows?

Or do I get to spend the night with her?

Jack, could you come here for a minute?

I want to show you something in the bedroom.

Well, the results are in.

I wonder if she gets the movie channel.

I bet she does.

Sex, dinner, and pay -per -view.

It must be my birthday.