Original subtitles

>> DENNIS: Oh, there it is, Mac.

There it is.

>> MAC: I can't believe it's

finally arrived.

>> My God, Thundergun Express:

The Unrated Director's Cut.

>> 13 extra minutes of movie

in this one.

>> And it's unrated.

They were not able to rate it.

>> This is gonna be the best

Thanksgiving ever.

>> Oh, yeah, absolutely, man.

Thundergun, hoagies and four

extra seconds dedicated solely

to the dong shot.

Buddy, that's what

I'm thankful for.

>> So much better than

a traditional Thanksgiving.

>> Oh, yeah, dude, I hate

Thanksgiving.

What is that?

What am I supposed

to be thankful for exactly?

Who am I meant to be thanking,

right?

>> I've had to scratch

and claw for everything

I've got.

If anything, I should be

thanking myself.

>> Yeah.

>> LIAM: Hey, man.

>> RYAN: Welcome to Mahndo

Video.

How may we help you?

>> (groans) What are you guys

doing here?

>> We own the store.

We bought this bitch.

>> We wanted to invest in an

emerging market.

>> An emerging market?

Video stores are a dying market.

This is, like, one of the only

ones left.

>> Then we're gonna corner that

market.

>> Okay. Whatever.

Liam, what is on your eye?

>> Someone ate my eye at my

wedding.

Don't you remember, man?

>> The eyepatch is flesh-colored

to make people less

uncomfortable.

>> I'm way more uncomfortable.

>> Yeah, absolutely.

You look like a man who was

born without an eye, which is

way creepier than a man who lost

one.

Just get a black eyepatch, you

know?

Embrace it. Losing an eye is

badass.

>> It's not badass.

I have no depth perception!

>> It's all your fault.

>> What are you... How is it our

fault?

What are you talking about?

>> Let's not get into a whole

thing about missing eyes and

whose fault they are.

You know, we'll just rent the

video, and we'll be out of here.

>> You are not renting shit.

You are not welcome in this

store.

Your video-renting days are

over!

>> No, come on, don't do that,

dude.

Oh...

>> I-It's not even... it's not

even close.

I mean, I...

>> Let me get that for you.

>> Thanks, man.

>> Don't cut... don't...

>> Goddamn it.

>> CHARLIE: All right, look,

just pay the man already.

We'll be done with it.

It's freezing in there.

>> FRANK: No can do, Charlie.

It's the principle of the thing.

>> DEE: You guys having a

principle fight?

>> No, we're not having a

principle fight.

We're having a heat fight, okay?

'Cause our heat's broken, and

Hwang won't fix it until this

guy pays the rent.

This guy's not gonna pay the

rent till Hwang fixes the heat.

So you got one of those snafus,

where you got old assholes...

>> It's a deadlock.

>> It's a deadlock of butting

heads.

>> We got a disaster on our

hands, a disaster.

>> The McPoyles bought Mahndo

Video.

They revoked our membership.

>> You didn't get Thundergun?

>> We didn't get shit!

>> Aw... Hang on.

Dee, why do our hoagies reek of

gasoline?

>> Maybe 'cause I got 'em at the

gas station, I guess.

>> Why?

>> Why didn't you get the ones

we like from the Wawa?

>> Because Gail the Snail works

at the Wawa, okay?

And we got mad beef.

She won't serve me.

>> This is a mess.

This is a mess.

We can't get the sandwiches we

want, we can't get the videos we

want, my apartment's an icebox.

Thanksgiving's gonna be ruined,

you know.

>> It's not just Thanksgiving,

pal.

You know what the real problem

is?

We have too many beefs all over

town.

It's jamming us up.

>> We made a lot of enemies over

the years.

>> We have made enemies.

>> We got to do something about

this, guys, okay?

So I say we use Thanksgiving as

an opportunity to squash some of

those beefs.

>> All right, guys, this is

really coming together.

It's looking good.

You know... you know, this was

the original meaning of

Thanksgiving anyway.

The Pilgrims and Indians had

beef.

So what did they do?

They got together, they sat at a

table, they ate some delicious

food and they squashed that

beef.

And that's exactly what we're

gonna do.

Mac and I are gonna squash the

McPoyle beef, you guys are gonna

squash Hwang...

>> And you guys are gonna squash

with Bruce.

>> What?

>> Say what?

>> Bruce Mathis, I invited him.

>> What?!

>> What? What?

>> Why would you do that?

>> Because he is your dad, and

Thanksgiving is a holiday for

families.

I also invited Charlie's mom, my

mom and my dad, but they didn't

want to come.

>> So just Bruce?

>> You know what, it's okay.

We'll-we'll manage very

carefully, and it'll be fine.

Hey, maybe we can squeeze some

money out of the guy.

>> I'm-I'm confused though.

In this whole scenario with the

Pilgrim and the Indians, which

one are we?

>> The Pilgrims.

They came out on top.

>> I don't know about that,

Frank.

The Indians, they've got sports

teams, they've got casinos.

They're a very celebrated

people.

>> Yeah, that's true, actually.

You don't see people walking

around with the tall hat with a

buckle on the front.

>> Makes no difference though in

our scenario with what we're

trying to accomplish here, okay?

They buried the hatchet.

That's what they did, and that's

what we're gonna do.

Okay, so, to that end, here's

the plan: once the guests

arrive, we will ply them with

liquor and then I will present

to them this peace treaty that I

will have them sign.

>> Why do you always want people

to sign creepy documents?

>> (laughs) Well, Frank, once

something's in writing, that

means it's set in stone.

Then no one can do anything to

stop me.

>> When do you want me to serve

the squash and the beef?

>> S-So we're literally serving

squash and beef?

>> You said we're squashing

beef.

I thought it would be part of

the ceremony to have squash and

beef.

>> Yeah, it's all about the

ceremony.

That's why I got this bucket of

dirt and a hatchet, so we can

have a ceremonial burying of the

hatchet.

>> Right. And after we do that,

we're going to wipe the slate

clean.

>> Wait, no, guys, look, this is

all very on the nose and totally

unnecessary.

>> HWANG: Where's food?

>> Walk right in, why don't you,

Hwang?

>> Thanksgiving, food.

>> Yeah, Thanksgiving...

>> Thanksgiving, yeah, go sit

down.

>> Have a seat, have a seat,

man!

>> What do you live in, a barn?

>> Have a seat, Hwang.

>> Guys, listen, regroup,

regroup.

Let's put on some music, lighten

the mood and get this party

started.

(Tom Tom Club's "Genius of Love"

playing)

>> Dee.

>> Hmm?

>> Go break the ice.

>> What?

>> Yeah.

>> Why me?

>> Yeah, yeah, someone's got to

do it.

Just go to go over there...

>> Go, go, go.

>> S-Some good crackers.

>> Huh?

>> Mm. Mm.

>> They are delicious.

>> Yeah.

>> What's wrong? Is it the eye?

>> Why would... I don't even

know why you would say

that-that.

>> They made me feel

self-conscious.

>> Did they?

>> Yeah. Is it off-putting?

Or does it look real?

>> The skin tone is a... is a...

a good match.

Oh, well, when you move the

other one, I guess I can tell a

little bit, if I'm being honest.

(door shuts)

>> CRICKET: Hey, turkeys,

gobble, gobble.

>> Cricket, what the hell are

you doing here?

>> Word around town is you guys

are squashing beef.

>> We don't have beef with you.

>> You don't have beef with me?

I was a priest before I got

involved with you guys.

Unbelievable.

>> Look, we have enough on our

plate right now, Crick.

>> Come on, guys, let me stay.

I-I'll eat the gristle.

>> You can eat it off the floor

like a dog, how 'bout that?

>> Now you're just creating more

beef.

>> I don't mind.

Woof, woof, baby.

>> Great.

>> Look at that. Beef squashed,

huh?

>> Okay, wait, wait, hold on a

second.

Here, sign this treaty.

>> Mmm, yeah.

>> It'll be official.

>> Good.

>> Boom, all right, get out of

here.

Go, go, go.

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

*

>> Okay, let's get started.

>> I really like your room,

Mac.

>> Thank you.

>> Yeah, great.

Have a seat, guys.

Um, now, I...

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, a little to

the... to your right.

Okay, good.

Now, I know we've had our

differences in the past.

Things have been a little tense

between us.

>> What is this?

>> What is what?

>> Standing.

>> What's with the standing?

>> You're lording.

>> We're not lording, we're just

having a conversation.

>> Yeah, we're just...

>> Some kind of a status thing?

>> A power move?

>> Some kind of power play?

>> Come on, guys. No.

>> It's not a power move!

We're having a conversation.

There's one chair.

>> Bring it down.

>> Just bring it down on the

haunches.

>> You want us to squat?

>> Haunch it. Arch down.

>> Oh, Christ, fine.

>> Just do it, just do it.

>> All right, look...

>> Just do it. Give him the...

>> Guys, look, I know we've had

our differences in the past.

Things have been very, very

awkward, but it's time for us to

move forward with our

relationship, all right?

It's time to hit the reset

button, wouldn't you say?

Here's this. Open it up.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> It's your gift.

>> What the hell is this?

>> It's a peace treaty.

We need you to sign that.

>> I thought I was getting an

eye.

>> BOTH: An eye?

>> Why would you think that?

>> You kept making comments.

You were hinting about eyes.

>> We're not giving you an eye!

>> Where the Christ would we get

an eye?

And if we did get an eye, how

would we attach it to you?

>> I'm not signing shit until I

get an eye. You owe me.

>> Give him your eye.

>> You want me to give him my

eye?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> You realize how preposterous

that is?

>> Okay, then apologize.

>> Apologize for what?

>> (yelling): For everything!

For all of it!

>> This isn't...

>> It's not about apology.

>> We're not apologizing.

We're not apologizing, okay?

Nobody's apologizing.

No one's admitting guilt or

anything.

We've all done something wrong.

Okay, it's just about... it's

just about, like, you know,

moving forward, moving on.

>> Look, all you have to do is

apologize, and I'll sign it.

>> Give us a second.

All right.

How are we gonna get this eye?

>> I don't know.

*

>> Come on, come on, give me

some.

>> Eat the... eat the... you

know, the skins if you got to

eat something.

>> I'll eat the skins.

I'll always eat the skins.

I love the skins.

It's where all the vitamins are.

>> What kind of meat is that,

Charlie? Doesn't smell right.

>> It's not grade A meat.

You know, I'm not gonna get

grade A meat. Just...

(doorbell rings)

Why are you guys hovering?

Don't hover. Answer the door!

Get the door!

>> All right.

Yeah, all right!

>> GAIL: I'm gonna fight with

you.

>> What?!

Snail, what the hell are you

doing here? Who invited you?

>> Dee, we invited her, okay?

Enough is enough.

You got to squash it with Snail,

all right?

We want to go to the Wawa again,

all right?

>> Goddamn it.

>> Hey, you want some beef?

You want some squash?

>> You want to pack some beef?

(makes loud sucking sound)

>> Listen, could you just

swallow your spit and then

breathe, and then we can talk?

>> Then breathe, and close your

mouth.

(snort, loud breathing)

>> Oh! Oh! Oh!

>> Oh, my God, it was sad for a

second, and now it's right back

to... rah, making me do the...

>> See a doctor!

Go see a doctor.

All right, oh, let's just...

>> All right, hold on. Um...

>> Let's compromise.

Is there something that we can

do to just, you know, patch this

up between you and Dee?

>> I want her to be my best

friend, yo.

>> Oh, well, you know what?

That's not gonna happen, so...

>> Yeah, that's too much.

>> Okay...

>> Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Is there a compromise?

Is there anything?

>> How about just for today?

>> Just for today?

>> Together.

>> Okay, and then I get my

convenience store to be

convenient to me again, that's

the deal?

>> Word is bond, yo.

>> Okay. Okay, yeah, that sounds

good, let's do it. Yes, okay.

>> All right, good.

Frank, Hwang, you're up.

Let's go.

>> Okay.

>> All right, well, somebody say

something.

>> These crackers need more

salt.

>> I agree.

>> Okay, well... they're

extremely salty, but-but good.

That's a start.

I mean, you know, you guys agree

about something.

Hey! All right.

>> My doctor say, no salt.

>> Mine, too.

>> Doctors are shit!

>> Goddamn medicine men, trying

to tell me how to eat my food.

They're all shit.

>> Well, look at that.

You guys agree about something!

Look at you two-- two extremely

hardheaded, unhealthy old men

who refuse to listen to doctors.

Come on, you guys are, like...

Can we work this out?

All right, Hwang, what if Frank

gives you, like, half the rent

now, then you fix the heat?!

And then, he gives you the other

half when the job's done?

>> It's okay.

>> Yeah?

All right, that's a deal.

That's a squashed beef.

Frank, you.

>> Oh, as a matter of fact...

I could give the whole month's

rent right here.

>> Well, that'd be... good.

>> I'll take it.

>> Yeah, but I'm not gonna do

it, because I'm not gonna let

you beat me, because you're a

lousy son of a bitch.

>> You're a dog!

>> I'm a dog, you're a dog, huh?

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait.

>> How's that? Huh?

>> You're a fire dog!

>> Plenty more where this came

from.

I could heat that apartment all

winter, huh? You want it? Aah...

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, fire dog.

>> Aw!

>> You're trying to burn me!

>> Just give us an eye.

You don't need both of them.

>> I only have one good working

eye.

>> Yeah, but I think it might be

better if you're blind anyway.

You know, it's gonna heighten

all your other senses.

>> Let me think about it.

I'll think about it.

>> Okay, give it some thought.

Give it some thought.

>> I'll think about it.

>> All right, well, we'll work

that angle.

>> All right, just...

(doorbell rings)

>> Ooh, maybe that's Bruce.

>> Oh, yeah. Hey, how'd you get

him down here anyway?

>> I told him that his kids

wanted to see him for

Thanksgiving, and that you guys

wanted to be one big happy

family again.

>> Oh, nice.

>> Hey.

>> Who's this jabroni?

>> I have no idea.

Slam the door on his face.

>> See you, bozo.

>> Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

Actually, I know who this guy

is. Holy shit!

Dude, this is the guy that Frank

and Dee mistook for Bruce, and

Frank got that bad intel, so

they went to his apartment,

instead of Bruce's apartment.

>> And then we blew up his car.

>> Blew the shit out of his car.

>> Oh, my God.

>> Wait a minute.

That was you guys?

>> Huh? No.

I don't even know what you're

talking about.

>> Uh...

>> Happy Thanksgiving.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> Wait, wait. Please.

Are my kids in there?

Somebody wrote me a note and

said that my kids wanted to see

me?

I haven't seen 'em since my wife

left me.

Are they in here? Sabrina?

>> Oh, this is bad.

>> Yeah. Oh.

>> Marco? Daddy's here.

>> Oh, my God.

We really opened up a can of

worms.

>> It's a bit messy.

The good news is, seems that the

kids thing took his mind off the

car thing, so, maybe it'll work

itself out.

>> Okay, good.

>> All right.

>> BILL: Mac.

>> Hey.

>> Hey, thanks for calling, man.

So, where are the kids?

I can't wait to see those little

rug rats.

It's been forever.

>> I'm sure they're around

somewhere.

Go ahead and mingle, and maybe

you'll find 'em.

>> My kids aren't really here,

are they?

>> Uh... no.

>> No. No, I lied about that.

>> Thank God. Let's get

shit-housed, right, guys?

>> What a piece of shit that guy

is.

>> Yeah, he's a real piece of

shit, yeah.

>> Oh, my God.

>> What the hell is Ponderosa

doing here?

>> Well, he's the one that's

responsible for Liam's eye, so

we figured, you know, he shows

up, it shifts the blame from us

to him, and, worst case

scenario, they'll take his eye.

>> Oh, my God, this is getting

way too confusing.

We got too many beefs.

I can't keep up.

>> God, Dee, we got it.

Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.

Too many beefs, we got it.

>> I'm not honking. I'm just...

I'm expressing something...

>> I'll admit it, it's getting

confusing, there's a lot of

people here.

>> See?

>> I'll take some of the blame

for that. I did invite...

>> Let us take the lead.

We got it, we got it.

>> Okay.

>> Can't get it to stay.

There you go.

(indistinct chatter)

>> Hi, uh, everybody, I'd like

to say something, please.

Uh, could I have your attention,

please?

I'd like to say something, yeah.

Um, so, the Pilgrims hated the

Indians and the Indians, they

despised the Pilgrims.

>> Yeah.

>> But nonetheless, on

Thanksgiving, they got together,

right, and it wasn't about

apologizing to each other.

"Aw..."

It wasn't about admitting guilt.

Won't do that. Okay?

It was just about making the

peace-- that was all that it was

about.

And if the Indians knew how to

sign shit, they probably

would've signed a peace treaty.

Right? So that's what we're

gonna do.

We're gonna make peace with each

other, and we're gonna get it in

writing.

All right? Is everybody amenable

to that?

Sound good?

>> Great, uh, so we'd like to

begin with Bill Ponderosa.

>> Yes.

(applause)

>> It's not... There's no need

to clap.

It's not a clapping event.

>> No. Right. So...

Okay, so, um, Bill, do you have

something you'd like to admit to

someone here?

>> Yes, actually, I do.

Uh, I once broke into Dee's

apartment and sniffed on her

panties.

>> What? Goddamn it! Beef!

No, I got beef with that.

>> Uh, can we, um... Just stay

on track.

Um... Bill, is there something

you want to say to the McPoyles?

>> Oh, um... Hey, hey.

I love that painted-on eye, man.

That is fun.

>> No. No, wait. No, no.

Okay. No, no, no.

All right, hey, hey, hey!

Everybody stop clapping.

All right, Liam, Bill's the one

who put bath salts in the punch

at your wedding, all right?

He's the one who is responsible

for your empty eyehole.

>> Is this true, man?

>> Maybe. I...

The only thing I remember from

that night is my sponsor Frank

giving me the green light to get

shit-housed.

>> That's true.

>> That happened.

>> I'll back that up.

>> Then it's your fault.

You owe my brother an eye!

>> All right, settle down!

Settle... Take it easy, all

right?

Don't drag him into your beef

'cause I need him to focus on

ours here.

>> Hey, Frank, I'm giving this

guy a handy under the table.

Are you jealous?

(slurping sound)

>> She's mashing it.

>> She does that.

>> I'm very aroused.

Very good.

>> Look, I'm-I'm sorry.

Which one of you knows my

ex-wife and when are my kids

getting here?

>> They'll get here. Just...

>> Who's this jabroni?

>> Uh, this is the gentleman who

we mistook for Bruce Mathis.

>> Right, yep, and then we blew

up his car.

>> Don't say that!

>> A-All of this, and it was you

guys.

You owe me a car.

>> Whoa, easy, man!

That's a big leap right there.

>> Buddy, buddy, um, what's the

deal with your kids?

Y-You haven't see 'em in a

while.

Did you do something?

Is it... Was it your fault?

>> Oh. I have a horrible drug

problem.

>> Ooh, I hear you.

I know that game, huh?

You want to do a bump here?

>> Yeah, of course I want a

bump.

>> I'll have a few of those

delicious nose clams.

>> Frank, no, come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

>> Don't clap for that!

>> What? I can't have squash?

I can't have blow?

>> We need you to focus!

Sign the damn treaty!

All right, you know what, Hwang,

you sign the treaty.

>> I'll sign it.

>> Oh, gross! Don't touch me

with that hand!

>> Put your hand over here.

I'll take sloppy seconds.

>> Absolutely not.

>> Mash me, baby. Mash me.

>> No mashing at the table!

Stop mashing, all right?

Come on. Goddamn it, Frank, I'm

starting to think I have beef

with you!

>> Yeah, us, too!

>> Okay, I have an idea.

It's time now to wipe the slate

clean.

>> No, you said we were gonna do

the hatchet thing first!

>> Don't worry about the hatchet

thing, okay?

That was an unsanctioned move.

>> Well, none of these moves are

working!

We got to do something else!

(overlapping arguing)

>> Food fight! Food fight!

>> I guess!

>> What?!

No!

(overlapping shouting, grunting)

>> Sign the treaty!

>> You owe me an eye, Frank!

(grunts)

(screaming)

>> Oh, shit.

>> No, no, no, no. (grunts)

Uh, this was a bad idea.

>> We stirred up too much

conflict.

>> Yeah. It smells like smoke.

Is something burning?

>> I think it's coming from your

room, dude.

>> What?!

My room's on fire.

Why is my room on fire?

>> I may have started a money

fire.

>> Why would you start a fire in

my room, Frank?

>> I don't know, I don't know.

We got to think, we got to

think.

Think, think.

I've got an idea.

(arguing in apartment)

>> So we're just gonna lock them

in there?

>> They're definitely gonna burn

to death.

>> Okay, guys, nobody's gonna

burn, all right?

There's a fire escape.

We'll call 911. We just need to

buy a little time so we can get

the hell out of here.

>> I feel like we're just

creating more beef.

>> Which we will not resolve.

Beefs are best left simmering

under the surface-- I've learned

that now.

>> The best thing to do with a

beef is jam it deep down inside

and then press forward.

>> What are we gonna do now?

>> You know, we could just buy

Thundergun and go to a

different Wawa.

>> Yeah, it's a little

inconvenient, but it's better

than facing our problems.

>> Yeah, or saying we're sorry,

which I'm not doing.

>> Hell, no, I don't do that.

>> All right, you want to go

back to my place, get some

blankets, bundle up?

Just us? No one else?

>> That's what I'm thankful for.

We don't need to get along with

anybody else-- we got each

other.

>> Yeah, screw everybody else.

>> I hate people who are

different than me, you know?

Why pretend?

>> (inside): There's a fire

escape right here.

(glass shatters)

>> Fire escape.

Out the window.

(clamoring)

>> Who's got me? Man down.

I right back here, guys.

Who's got me? Guys?

Hello? Hello?

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH

access.wgbh.org

>> * Time isn't present in that

dimension

He'll take my arm

* When we're walkin', rolling

and rocking

It's one time I'm glad I'm not

* a man

Feels like I'm dreaming but I'm

not sleeping. *

*

(trio chanting backwards)