Original subtitles

(thunderclaps)

(rhythmic chanting and singing)

(singing continues)

>> * Bah-hoo-yeah

Bah-hoo-yeah

Bah-hoo-yeah

Bah-hoo-yeah. *

(creaking)

(groaning)

(cackling)

>> Welcome back from the dead,

Chief Lazarus!

(groaning)

>> CHIEF LAZARUS: I only got one

thing on my mind.

Revenge!

(loud thunderclaps)

(laughs)

(cackling)

(cackles)

(explosion)

*

>> What exactly are you here

for?

>> MAC: We need $40 million.

>> So we've shot a great deal of

the movie, and we're gonna show

it to you.

>> DENNIS: Oh, yeah.

>> We just need a little money

to finish it.

>> Yeah, see, we had a little

bit of a falling out with our

financier.

He's also playing Chief Lazarus.

We had some creative

differences with him, you know,

which is why we're coming to

you, but, look, that's neither

here nor there.

Don't worry about that.

>> CHARLIE: The guy wanted to

shoot a full penetration sex

scene and show it.

>> But, to be fair, I don't have

a problem, as much, with the act

itself as I do with the man

who's performing it.

>> Don't get into that.

It's, like, more specific than

she needs to...

>> Let her know. I think she...

Look, I just, I think that no

one wants to see Frank smashing

genitalia with a woman, but if

it were me doing it, you know,

imagine that.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Imagine all the positions that

I could get into.

You know, reverse pile driver,

seated scissors, wheelbarrow,

reverse cowgirl.

I know all the positions.

Whatever you like.

>> He can do 'em all.

>> I can do 'em all, yeah.

>> He can do 'em all.

>> So imagine that.

Do you see the difference?

>> We don't finance movies here.

>> Let's show her more of the

movie.

>> Yes.

>> Get into the story a little

bit.

>> Okay, that's exactly right.

Keep watching, and then see the

big picture, know that there

are budgetary and time

limitations and ignore them,

please.

>> Yeah.

*

(indistinct chatter)

>> ROGER: In your face, sucker.

*

(buzzer sounds)

(laughter, whooping)

>> Oh, shit!

(slow clapping)

(indistinct chatter)

>> Riggs, what the hell are you

doing here?

Our relationship is strained.

>> RIGGS (Australian accent):

Thought I'd give you some

pointers on your jump shot.

Noticed you weren't squaring up

on the basket.

(Roger laughs)

>> Schooling a black man on

basketball.

You must be crazy.

>> Crazy enough to want to know

why you never RSVP'd to my

wedding.

>> Gee, do I want to see my

ex-special forces ex-partner

marry my baby girl daughter?

Thanks.

I respectfully say, "No."

>> I tell you what, Sarge.

Let's play a quick game of

one-on-one.

You score on me, you don't have

to come to the wedding.

>> If I score on you, I don't

have to come to the wedding?

>> That's right.

>> So all I do is score once,

and then I don't come to the

wedding?

>> Yes.

>> Well, this is gonna be...

a slam dunk!

*

(ball bouncing)

(Roger laughs)

>> Break a leg.

Hell, break both of 'em.

(Roger laughs)

(saxophone plays jazz)

>> Heavenly Father, we thank you

for your glories.

We also thank Martin for his

lovely sax solo in lieu of vows.

Rianne will now recite hers.

>> RIANNE (Southern accent): My

love, when I look deep in your

eyes, I find my own destiny.

I find that I want to love you

for the rest of my days, and I

will.

I will spend every day of my

life trying to make you the

happiest man in the whole world.

>> (crying): That was lovely.

If anybody has any objection to

this union, you speak now, or

forever hold your peace.

>> I object.

>> What?!

(crowd gasping and groaning)

>> I need to do something

first-- get your father's

blessing.

*

(Roger scoffs)

>> I came here for my daughter,

not you.

>> I love her, Rog.

(Roger sighs)

>> Yeah.

I know you do, pal.

*

(explosion)

(screaming)

(overlapping shouting)

>> No!

>> No!

(screaming and shouting)

>> I love weddings.

They always such a blast!

>> Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Got to get out of here!

Got to get out of here!

(crowd screams and shouts)

>> Oh! Oh, let me out of here!

Let me out of here! Oh!

(grunting)

(grunting)

(crowd screaming and shouting)

>> Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

*

>> Um... I don't get why you're

making this.

>> Oh, I mean...

>> Oh...

>> God, the bank didn't get it

either.

Why make anything, you know?

For the money, for the glory,

for the fame.

>> Absolutely.

>> All-- the whole thing.

>> Yeah, and-and clearly the

movie's pretty kick-ass right up

until we get to the special

effects snafu.

>> Our ex-backer liked to cut

corners, but we feel like, with

your technical expertise, being

from a dot-com company and all,

and your money, we could really

make a kick-ass movie.

>> Yeah, now, the next scene is,

um, the next scene is bad.

The next scene is a little bit

of a disaster.

>> It's got some problems, too,

but then, once we get past that,

it's pretty good, but let me set

this up for you so you're not

totally confused.

Somebody released some kind of a

biting bug, the likes of which

I've never contended with.

>> Frank and I got them from

China, and they just went crazy

in the bar and bit us up like...

>> What do you mean you "got

them from China"?

You ordered them?

>> Don't worry about where we

got them or why we were getting

them.

>> Oh, my God, Jesus Christ.

>> We just released them, there

was an issue...

>> All right, so you're gonna

enjoy this part.

Go ahead and push play.

>> Yeah, yeah, keep it going.

>> Hey, Chief, I'd like to trade

in...

(both coughing)

...these flowers for a badge.

>> Well, I just happen to have

that gun.

Welcome back to the force,

Riggs.

>> (whispering): Murtaugh.

>> Murtaugh!

>> It's great that you're a cop

again, Rog.

We'll n-need it.

>> Well, I had to come back

because they killed my baby girl

as you was getting married to

her.

>> Yeah.

Looks like I'm not the only cop

with a death wish now.

>> Ha!

>> Chief, I think I found some

clues.

>> What the hell does those

things have to do with Chief

Lazarus?

>> Well, I've got a hunch.

>> Chief, I've got a hunch.

See, feathers were usually used

in Indian resurrection burials,

which could only mean one thing.

>> Damn!

>> Well...

That Lazarus is back from the

dead.

>> Damn!

>> You think?

>> So he's probably planning an

elaborate rain dance to drench

L.A. so bad that it ends up in

the ocean.

>> Making his Indian reservation

the only thing left standing and

very valuable beachfront

property.

That's could be the only answer.

>> Yeah.

>> Oh, oh.

>> I'm just gonna fast-forward

for a minute.

>> Uh, but this...

>> Yeah, this is important...

>> That-that-that's okay, I'll,

uh, I'll play it here.

>> Beachfront property on his

Indian reservation.

>> No, you're still going on

about the whole...

>> No, just keep going.

>> Yeah... yeah, yeah.

>> Well, you got to explain

every aspect of the movie.

That's crazy.

>> Well, that's because when you

go to the movies, you know, you

can't follow what's going on.

>> No, you can't follow what's

going on.

>> Yeah, yes, you can.

>> No, no, you're like, "Who's

that guy?

Is that the good guy, is that

the bad guy?"

>> Everybody knows!

>> I'm sorry, guys, um, but

maybe it would help if I saw the

original Mel Gibson version

first.

>> W-What do you mean that

you've not seen...

>> Wha...? How...?

>> You've never seen...

>> Lethal Weapon?

>> Lethal Weapon?

>> No, I mean, I've heard of it.

>> I think what's happening here

is the fact that you're a woman,

and our demographic skews male.

>> Well, um...

>> It does-- we are a male-

driven, uh, you know...

>> We are testosterone-driven.

>> We're a male-driven entity.

>> I-I got, I got that.

>> Oh, oh, oh, the next scene.

>> Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right,

right, right, right, right.

>> Oh, the next scene.

>> That's right, there's stuff

for the... the ladies, I guess.

>> Oh, for the ladies.

>> Yeah, we shot this for the

ladies.

This is all for the ladies.

>> You're gonna love this.

>> Well... yeah.

>> You're gonna dive right in,

right here.

("Playing with the Boys" by

Kenny Loggins playing)

>> * I'd say it was

The right time

To walk away

* When dreamin' takes you

Nowhere

It's time to play

* Bodies workin' overtime

Your money don't matter... *

>> Yeah...!

>> * Time keeps ticking

When someone's on my mind *

* Playing

Playing with the boys

I'm staying

Staying with the boys... *

>> Yeah.

(both whoop)

All right.

All right, blokes, let's hit the

showers, huh?

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Oh, yeah.

>> I don't know about you, mate,

but I'm sore.

(laughing): I'm really sore.

>> I really needed this.

>> Oh, I needed it, too, mate.

>> All right, buddy.

Now that we know what Lazarus'

plan is, what are we gonna do?

>> We got to track him down and

fight him, you know?

>> Sure do.

We got to track him down and

punch him.

>> We're gonna track him down

and we're gonna...

We're gonna go to the strip

club, which I'm excited to do.

(laughing): I love strip clubs.

>> Oh, baby, I love me a good

strip club.

>> We're gonna...

I mean, this is crazy, right?

>> Wha...?

>> I miss her, Riggs.

Nothing's ever gonna make me

forget her.

>> I know, buddy.

Lazarus has taken everything

from us, but we're gonna take

what he loves most: his life.

>> Yeah?

Well, we'd better do it right

this time, baby.

We ain't getting any younger.

>> That's for sure.

I'm starting to think even I'm

getting too old for this shit.

>> Say what?

Oh... (laughs)

>> That's what you always say.

>> I know.

>> I brought it back.

That's your...

>> Yeah, I got that.

(both laughing)

Whoa, shit.

Come here, you rascal.

>> Whoa!

>> You want to wrestle, you...

>> You want to go, old man?

>> You young, but you ain't that

strong, baby.

>> You want to go, old man?

You want to go, old man?

>> You too young for this...

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is

this?

What are you showing me here?

>> We're showing you a

testosterone-driven, male-

skewing action melodrama.

>> Yeah, you're gonna love this

stuff.

>> And, by the way, as a hedge

fund manager, you're used to

this kind of high-stakes,

adrenaline-pumping action, so

this should be perfect for you.

>> I'm a little confused.

>> Oh, is it the character-

switching?

'Cause, just move past that, all

right?

Trust me, our audience has come

to expect that kind of thing

from us.

>> No, no, no, I'm confused

about what you want.

Uh, you need money to fund your

gay porno movie?

>> Oh, goddamn it, Mac.

>> Gay porno movie?

What are you talking about?

>> See? See!

>> You even watching the movie?

Yes, in a lot of ways this is a

love story between two men.

>> No, it isn't.

>> Okay, yes, in a... most ways.

>> No, it isn't.

>> All right, but this is about

as masculine as it gets.

>> It's not, it's not, I mean...

>> No, it isn't, no, it isn't.

You had a butt-double.

>> Oh, of course I had a butt-

double.

You think I'm gonna show my butt

on camera, Charlie?

>> Oh, my God, I was

uncomfortable filming the scene.

>> It's not up to the par of

Murtaugh, okay?

>> If you play the movie, you'll

see...

>> It gets way straighter, I

promise.

>> Push play, you're gonna love

this next part.

>> We'll cut that stuff out.

See, nobody wants that...

>> I sure am glad we came to

this strip club, Riggs.

(chuckles) I do like looking at

beautiful naked women.

>> That's because we're not gay.

>> Right, right.

>> Up next is Lady Starship.

She's gonna blow you away with

her celestial body.

>> (chuckles): Lady Starship--

I like the sound of that.

*

>> Man, what the hell!

>> Oh, what the f...

*

>> (laughs): That's more

like it.

>> Yeah. You like that?

>> I do, yeah.

>> What are you looking at, man?

Shit.

>> Frank, will you pay

attention, man?

I mean, come on, we've been all

over town.

We went to a hedge fund guy, a

dot-com girl, we went to banks.

No one's gonna fund this thing.

>> No, we need to finish the

movie, Frank.

>> All right, I'll give you the

money.

But we do the movie my way.

I want... what I want.

And you know what I want.

>> That's not cool, man.

>> We can make it work, we'll

just have to add some

exposition-- a whole scene

of it.

>> What needs to be explained?

>> It's gonna be perfectly

clear!

It's gonna be way too clear

what's happening.

Frank, it's gonna ruin the

movie, Frank!

>> It's gonna be so confusing...

>> It's not gonna be... it's not

gonna be confusing.

>> We got a deal or what?

(gunshots)

(grunts)

>> Ah! Damn.

>> Damn! They found us!

(automatic gunfire)

>> We got Lazarus trapped in his

own umbrella factory.

Yeah. He gonna do a rain dance

and then make some money on some

umbrellas, man.

He a dirty bitch.

(gunfire continues)

Come on, let's go get him.

(grunting)

>> I'm gonna jump over this!

(gunfire continues)

>> Get over it!

I got you, Riggs! Hurry up!

(automatic gunfire continues)

(grunting)

(bullets ricocheting)

Oh, I'm getting too old for

this shit.

>> Come on, man!

(yells, groans)

We're pinned down, Rog.

>> This could be it, good buddy.

This could be the end.

>> Okay, Rog, if this is the

end, we should be the ones to

end it.

>> You know what? I got this.

(bullet ricochets)

(grunts)

(gunshots)

(automatic gunfire)

(guns clicking)

(gasping)

(grunting)

>> I got that weird Danish twin.

(cackling)

>> Oh, shit!

(bullets ricocheting)

Aw, damn! He got away.

Oh, hey, you know what?

We got to also remember to get

that shaman priestess from the

beginning.

We don't want her bringing him

back from the dead...

again.

>> That's a good point.

>> Where's Mac?

>> He's in the bathroom.

>> Well, that's not gonna work.

I mean, we can't...

>> It's fine, just go, let's go.

>> He's in the bathroom.

He's in the bathroom.

>> Charlie, it's not... we

can't... I mean, it's...

(gunshots)

(bullet ricochets)

(gunshots continue)

>> (grunts): Oh, shit!

Rog, I'm out of bullets!

>> You are?

Oh, I'm out of bullets, too,

Riggs.

Oh, no!

>> Time to kiss L.A. good-bye,

suckers!

'Cause tonight the forecast

calls for rain!

(guttural chanting)

>> Riggs, there's a basketball

right there.

>> You should use it.

>> I know.

Wha... Oh!

>> Oh, shit, Rog.

If you make this shot, you will

have redeemed yourself with the

item that you failed with in the

beginning.

>> That's right.

I can do it, Riggs.

(chuckles): Ho-ho-ho-ho.

In your face, sucker.

>> Yeah, buddy, you did it!

You did exactly what you said

you were gonna do, and now he's

dead.

And now we have to kill that

shaman woman so that she doesn't

come back and reanimate him

again.

>> Wait.

I got a better idea first.

>> What is it?

>> Let me just show you, man,

will you?

We don't have to say everything,

man. Shit.

*

>> You know you always have my

blessin', partner.

>> That's my partner right

there.

>> Yeah.

>> And that's a callback.

From the beginning-- so it's

come full circle.

>> We know.

>> And then we brought you back

from the dead.

Well, the shaman did it.

And then we killed her.

Because we didn't want her to

bring back Lazarus.

>> Okay. We get it.

>> Go ahead.

Kiss her.

>> Kiss her.

>> Kiss her, man.

Yeah.

Come on, man.

(loud explosion)

*

(gunshot)

*

(cackling)

(growls)

>> One last thing, in case

I die.

(rhythmic grunting, gasping)

>> (over video): Oh, my God! Oh!

(rhythmic grunting continues)

>> S-So again, this is what we

were trying to avoid by coming

to you in the first place.

>> Yeah.

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH

access.wgbh.org

(trio chanting backwards)