Original subtitles

>> MAC: So what if I didn't go to college?

John McClane didn't go to college.

He defeats the bad guys using street smarts, and I got street

smarts.

>> DENNIS: Mac, you do realize John McClane's a fictional

character who's voicing lines written by screenwriters who

almost certainly went to college.

>> DEE: Yeah, but Bruce Willis dropped out of college, and that

supports Mac's argument.

>> Yeah!

>> Uh, no it doesn't, Dee.

And the fact that you can't understand that leads me to

believe that you are complete and total dum-dum, and therefore

are not going to get selected for this intelligence

experiment.

>> Welcome, everybody, and thank you for volunteering in this

intelligence experiment.

I'm afraid, however, that we can only use one test subject.

>> I-I'm sorry, before you continue, um, I noticed you said

"volunteering," which implies a lack of compensation.

>> Volunteering's for suckers.

>> Yes, the selected subject will receive $1,000 in

compensation.

>> DEE: There you go.

>> That's what we're talking!

>> Hey. That's more like it.

Okay, and listen, when it comes to intelligence, I think

you'll find that I am your man.

>> Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.

>> I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with

brainpower.

But you and me, we know different, huh?

>> Uh, "you and I."

>> What? No, not you and I.

Him and I, idiot.

>> In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both

of you.

>> Dee, this man is smart enough to know to avoid a proposition

like that from someone like you.

>> To be clear, we're not looking for a subject with

superior intelligence.

In fact, the complete opposite would be, um, uh, preferable.

Excuse me for a minute.

I'm sorry, wait, wait!

That's a... sorry.

What are you doing?

>> CHARLIE: I was gonna bash your rat and take care of your

rat problem.

>> Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please, this is, this is our lab

rat.

His name's Armitage Shanks.

If he solves the maze, he gets the cheese.

And since we've been feeding Armitage a cerebral enhancement

formula, he's been solving these mazes seven times faster.

We'd like to try a formula out on a human subject.

What would you think about something like that?

A pill that could make you seven times smarter.

(Armitage Shanks squeaking)

>> Cheese, huh?

Yeah, all right.

(buzzer sounds) Ow! Shit!

>> What's your name, young man?

>> It's Charlie.

Hold up, dude, I want to get this cheese here.

(buzzer sounds) Aah! Shit!

>> Why don't you try the cheese under the green light, Charlie?

>> I want this cheese.

(buzzer sounds)

Aah!

>> Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our test subject.

Thank you all very much for coming.

Thank you all very much for coming.

>> Aw, Frank, you're intruding upon my education.

>> This is crazy, Charlie.

That's crazy.

>> Aw, shut up.

>> Whoa, what the hell is this?

What are you doing, man?

>> Well, I'm trying to learn Mandarin and listen to Beethoven

at the same time.

You see, I just realized that I have two ears, so it's a waste

to only listen to one thing.

>> Let me guess this straight.

You just realized that you have

two ears?

>> Taking a pill is not gonna make you smarter, Charlie.

>> I don't know about that, Frank.

I've listened to five books on tape already this morning, five.

>> Charlie, come on, any idiot can listen to books on tape.

You're only doing that because you can't read, all right?

Trust me, if you're feeling any smarter, it's just a classic

case...

>> BOTH: ... of the placebo effect.

>> I considered that, but I don't think that's it, Dennis.

>> Whatever, you don't even know what the word placebo...

>> Placebo means from the Latin "placebo," meaning "I shall

please."

I listened to a chapter on that this morning.

>> This is...

>> Such bullshit?

>> I wasn't gonna say...

>> Gonna say that?

>> Dude, just because you're finishing our sentences, doesn't

make you s-s-s...

>> BOTH: Intelligent.

>> Oh!

(Charlie laughs) >> Guys, guys, we've got a huge

problem back there.

>> Ugh, big rat, like the biggest ever in the back office.

>> Uh, that sounds like Charlie work, so, Charlie, why don't you

hop on that, and be smart about it.

>> Good pleasantry, cute.

How about no?

>> What do you mean "no"?

>> How about you kill the rat?

You know what, that might occupy you guys for about a week or so,

and that'll give me some time to continue my education in peace.

That be nice. Let's do that.

>> What are you talking about?

>> A week? To kill a rat?

Wh-wh-what kind of a genius rat are we talking about?

>> You have to be a real moron to get outsmarted by a rat,

dude.

>> Well, bonjours, killing the the rat, my friends.

* >> Oh, and then I realized,

Tang-See, that these so-called friends of mine have been

exploiting my labor for years.

>> An astute observation.

Conforms with Marxist theories about the exploitation of the

proletariat.

>> It completely conforms when you think about it.

Ah, Tang-See, these-these pills are having quite

an effect on me.

And the combination with my readings is really leading me

into some rather large ideas.

I think I could be on the verge of something groundbreaking.

>> Yes.

The work you're proposing will revolutionize the field.

>> Exactly, right?

Now, Tang-See, let's-let's talk for a second.

What do you think my IQ is now?

And be honest.

>> Well, what do you think it is?

>> 175?

>> Wow.

>> You know. Probably, yeah.

Now, I'm thinking if I were to double the dosage, I could break

200 easily.

>> You have to be careful, Charlie.

This is uncharted waters here.

Have you been having any side effects?

>> Yes. Okay, yes.

There's-there's been a-a slight ringing in my ears.

My-my legs grow numb from time to time.

I ache all over if I'm being honest, but...

(door opens) >> I got Mongolian barbecue and

Police Academy: Mission to Moscow.

>> Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, I got to stop you.

Uh, tonight is really not the best night for that, so I'm

sorry, man.

>> But, Charlie, it's Gruesome Twosome Tuesday.

>> Yeah, uh, I know it is, pal, but...

>> What?

>> I'm-I'm on the verge of something really groundbreaking

here and I-I really shouldn't be playing these childish games

anymore, nor should you.

>> We're the Gruesome Twosome.

>> You don't have to keep saying that, I know...

(Frank grunting) The sound effects won't

help you.

>> The Gruesome Twosome.

(Frank grunting) >> They don't further your

argument in any way.

(Frank grunting) (speaking Mandarin)

>> You speak Mandarin?

>> Well, I do think I'm getting it a little bit.

(both speaking Mandarin) (both laughing)

(both speaking Mandarin) (rat squeaking)

>> Hey, Mac, Mac, I've located him-- he's right near the hole.

>> Oh, good, let me bash him!

>> No, no, no... (shushes) Oh, goddamn it.

He scurried away.

>> All right, well, when he comes back, I'm gonna smash him

up good.

>> No, no, Mac, come on.

We're smarter than that.

That's just gonna spread rat blood and disease all over the

place.

It's not about brute force.

It's about seduction.

See, I'm gonna place some enticing tunes for the little

guy.

And then I'm gonna bait this glue trap with some Brie cheese.

>> * And I want you here With me

* From tonight until The end of time

You should know... * >> Hey, you guys catch that rat

yet?

>> Any minute now, Dee.

>> I'm telling you, glue traps are barbaric and messy.

I have come up with the intelligent solution.

Ultrasonic rodent repellant.

It emits a high-pitched sound that obliterates their teeny rat

eardrums.

Stupid rats.

>> Uh, those things don't work, Dee.

>> Oh, no?

Okay, how about we do a little wager.

The rat gets trapped to your glue trap and you win.

The rat scurries away and never comes back again, then I am

crowned the smartest in the...

Oh, God, gross.

Is that cheese?

Get it off me!

Get it off, I'm st... I'm stuck to your glue!

You guys!

>> You've trapped yourself on a trap that was designed for a

rodent with a brain the size of a walnut.

>> Now a normal-size woman would probably just be able to slide

her hand right out, but with those giant man hands...

>> Yeah, you really don't stand a chance, Dee.

>> Okay, I get it.

(rat squeaking) Do you hear that?

I hear it-- oh, God, it's coming!

It's coming to eat its cheese.

You guys, help!

>> Odd that it hasn't been repelled by your supersonic rat

scarer, Dee.

>> Guys! It's on me!

It's on my hand!

Oh, it's climbing up my hand to eat the cheese.

>> Now, where this gets interesting is when the rat

finishes the cheese.

>> Ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibble her hand down to a tiny, bloody

stump, then she could just slide it right out.

>> Hey.

>> Ah, goddamn it, it's gone.

It ate its cheese and then it ran away.

It didn't get stuck to the glue.

>> Huh, maybe this rat is a little bit smarter than we gave

it credit for, Mac.

>> Hmm.

>> He is whatever, I mean, is he okay? Sure.

Is he fine?

He's fine.

All I'm saying is that Stephen Hawking is much more of a Lady

Gaga than, you know, Johann Sebastian Bach.

He-he's not, he's a pop culture figure like the Kardashians, you

know?

>> Hmm.

(high-pitched ringing) >> God.

>> Are you all right?

>> Yes, that's the shooting pain in the eye.

Jot that down, please.

(speaking Mandarin) Huh?

Yes, I heard-heard the words.

>> I'm learning Mandarin.

It means "You got that right."

>> Yes, Frank, I got what right, though?

>> The thing about the cripple.

>> What cripple?

Why are you speaking?

>> Stephen Hawking.

>> Dear God, we were talking about that like ten minutes ago.

>> But I didn't know what I was gonna say.

I had to look it up.

>> You never know what you're gonna say, and that's the

problem, isn't it?

(speaking Mandarin) >> Say that again?

(Charlie speaking Mandarin) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, you're going too fast, I can't...

Go slower.

>> Frank, I cannot go slower for you!

Checkmate, Tang-See, wake up.

Open your eyes, listen.

I cannot go slower.

Frank, I am thinking on the physical level, the metaphysical

level, the pataphysical level.

Every time you open your mouth, you drag me down into the mud,

and-and really, my-my...

(high-pitched ringing) (groaning)

>> What?

You got a pain?

Charlie, I'm telling you.

Those pills are no good for you.

They're hurting you, those pills.

They're turning you into someone you're not.

(Tang-See speaking Mandarin) Shut up!

>> (laughing): Okay, okay.

Don't get cute, Tang-See, you're not much smarter than he is.

Checkmate.

>> Well, you know, it-it, uh... hmm...

>> Try jerking it again.

>> Jerked it, I mean, I've jerked it so many times.

I've jerked and squirmed and squiggled.

>> This is crazy.

I mean, we should be able to figure this out.

>> Ooh, oh!

What about gasoline?

Pour a little bit of gasoline on there, dissolve some of the

glue.

>> You are a brilliant man, yes!

Try it.

>> Yeah, gasoline is a solvent.

That's basic chemistry.

Smart, Mac, smart, go grab some.

>> Oh. Yeah.

>> Yeah, all right. Oh, we got to be careful though because

gasoline is volatile and highly combustible so let's use extreme

caution.

>> Of course, only an idiot would just use gasoline

willy-nilly.

>> It's gonna work.

>> Okay.

>> And in the interest of safety, I'm gonna go ahead and

just make sure that this is, in fact, gasoline because Charlie

likes to keep booze in here sometimes.

>> That's true, he does do that.

>> Mm-hmm.

(sniffs) >> Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, that's definitely...

(whoops) >> Let me double check because,

you know, you're sense of smell has always been pretty stupid.

>> You want to...?

>> Yeah, yeah, let me just check it out.

(sniffs) >> Oh, oh, Christ, that's good

stuff... that's high-test.

>> Can I get a toot down here?

>> Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it.

(sniffs) >> Ooh, guys, yes.

>> Are you sure it's gasoline though?

I should just try it again.

(Dee whoops) Jesus, Jesus!

That's gasoline.

>> All right, let's blast off.

Engage thrusters, Captain.

>> Oh, all right, well, ground control, I'll take some.

>> Holy shit.

>> As long as we're blasting.

>> You know what?

Let's pop off on this shit a little bit, then let's get back

to business.

>> Yeah, okay.

>> This is making me feel...

>> Oh, shit, there he goes.

(rat squeaking) >> Oh, he's a squirrely little

bastard, isn't he?

>> You son of a bitch.

>> He's making I and you look dumb.

>> Yeah... uh...

"I and you." No, me and you, me, you, me, I.

It was you and I?

You and I...

>> Me and you look dumb.

>> (laughs) Dumb.

>> It's got to be...

>> Dumb is a funny word.

>> ...me and... Dumb is a funny word.

>> Dumb.

>> Dumb.

>> Pass the gas.

>> Dumb.

>> Pass it, pass it.

>> Pass the gas.

(all laughing) (Charlie speaks quietly)

(scoffs) (laughs)

>> Oh, yeah, you're reading now?

Since when do you read?

>> Oh, hello, hello.

Uh, well, I was just glancing at War and Peace and let me

tell you, I side with Shakespeare on brevity.

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

Which, uh...

Do I have to put on training wheels for this conversation or

is, uh... What is this?

What are you doing?

>> I'm having dinner with you.

>> I see, you've lifted the restraining order?

>> Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not lifting the restraining order, but Frank paid me $500 to

be here, and so I'm having dinner with you.

>> Ah, I see.

>> Do you? 'Cause I don't.

I didn't ask questions though.

>> Well, it's all rather transparent really, isn't it?

Frank and I have always been very close as you know, uh, but

I've turned a corner, if you will, with my life recently.

I have new, more substantial interests, new friends, better

suited for those interests, so understandably Frank is feeling

somewhat marginalized.

Now, he's gone out of his way to enlist your aid, uh, in hopes

that my deep infatuation with you will, uh, perhaps pull me

away from those people and those pursuits that have, in turn,

been pulling me away from Frank as of late.

>> What now?

>> Frank's using you to get to me.

How are you? Never mind.

Moving on. Beaujolais?

Why don't you have a little bit, loosen up.

That'll get rid of that uninviting edge.

So, uh, tell me about yourself.

Are you quite well these days?

>> Well, uh, actually, I'm, like, okay because my boss,

like, at the restaurant, he, like, totally doesn't get me.

I mean, he thinks that being a waitress is, like, what I am,

and I'm like, "That doesn't define me, dude, okay?

(high-pitched ringing) Like, I'm saving up to open

my own nail salon."

(distantly): And I have come up with all of these great names

for a nail salon.

Um, some of them are, like, The Hand Whisperer or Finger

Fantasy.

And I've been watching Tabatha Takes Over a lot because it's a

show that takes place in salons.

Finger Fantasy.

Finger Fantasy.

I've been watching this show called Tabatha Takes Over...

Tabatha Takes Over, Tabatha Takes Over.

And I have been watching Tabatha Takes Over a lot, because it's

a show that takes place in...

(jaunty music plays) (cat yowls)

>> Yeah, see?

The mouse always wins.

There's... there's, like, no winning with mices.

>> Cat keeps getting hurt.

>> He gets hurt.

>> Well, it's dangerous, yeah.

>> What the hell are you guys doing?

>> We're trying to watch cat and mouse cartoons to find out how

kitty cats deal with their rat issues.

>> If Charlie was still around, none of this would be happening.

He's distracted with that damn literature and science crap.

(TV switches off) Charlie is our foundation.

Where does a foundation belong?

>> Yes.

>> On top.

>> On the bottom.

>> Oh.

>> On the bottom.

>> We gotta go grab Charlie and drag him back down into the

sewer where he belongs.

>> Oh...

>> Well, well...

>> I can't, see, I've been outsmarted by a rat and right

now I'm stuck on its glue trap.

>> Did you try the gasoline, loosening it?

>> All over it.

That didn't work, but you know what does work?

Breathing it in.

(laughs) >> Deandra, are you holding onto

the trap?

>> No.

>> Oh, I don't... I don't know.

>> Let go of the trap.

(trap clatters to floor) (laughing)

>> No...

No.

>> That's so stupid.

>> All right, come on.

We gotta go get Charlie.

>> Uh, no, no.

>> We'll do it. We'll...

>> Let's do it tomorrow.

>> We'll nap first.

>> I'm gonna go to sleep.

>> Could you turn the TV back on?

>> Tomorrow's good.

* >> Ladies and gentlemen, you're

about to see the results of a bold experiment in human

intelligence.

>> He's totally different.

Totally different person.

>> We'll bring our test subject out now, and I think you'll find

him a rather incredible specimen.

Tang-See.

(whirring) >> (raspy): Ah...

>> What is happening?

>> (British accent): Thank you, Tang-See, my-my dear,

dear friend.

(clears throat) A simple pill...

ingested by a man who received a simple idea, a simple thought

so clear and sharp that it cut through his mind like a soft

cheese and led him to an invention.

>> Is he doing an accent?

>> Yeah.

>> Every now and then, there are new modalities, new ways of

being and understanding our world.

This invention-- my invention-- will change everything.

For the better, one hopes.

But the good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes?

(laughing) (coughing)

You must excuse me.

I've grown quite weary.

>> Come on.

>> Finally, my friends, at long last the day has come.

We have the means, the understanding, the technology...

to allow spiders to talk with cats!

(audience gasps, exclaims) (murmuring)

(cat meows) >> Our exploration into the

effect of environment upon intelligence was, alas, a

complete failure.

Self-confidence instilled by a placebo "intelligence pill" and

consistently reinforced by my assistant Tang-See did not, in

fact, make the test subject smarter.

It did, however, yield fascinating results.

Uh, the most measurable effect was a sharp uptick in arrogance.

>> The subject was perfectly ready to believe he had learned

Mandarin in two days.

>> Tang-See!

(speaking Mandarin gibberish) >> Again, this is complete

gibberish.

The subject believed himself to be a mathematical wizard.

>> ...plus nine equals box.

All right?

That's where the cat goes.

>> And in the space of an hour, the subject has lost all

interest in a woman with whom he had been in love for years,

because of her perceived stupidity relative to himself.

>> Perhaps the most interesting were the series of side effects

that he believed himself to be having.

Uh, debilitating aches and pains.

It was all-all in his mind.

>> Huh.

Yeah, I guess I do feel kind of better, so...

I believe I was having the "plecebe" effect.

>> Placebo.

>> Pla-ce-bo.

(chuckles) Which is, of course, a...

a funny-sounding word.

>> That is a funny word.

>> It's pretty funny, yeah.

"Placebo."

"Placebe."

>> Placido Domingo.

(laughing) >> Police Academy.

(laughs) Which is a good movie, Frank.

>> It is a good movie, Charlie.

>> You want to go back and watch it?

>> With all my heart.

>> Please, can you not interrupt the lecture?

We're still, uh...

>> What is the point of this stupid, dumb-ass experiment

anyway?

>> Yeah, like, was he smart or not?

I don't even get it.

>> Uh, I don't think so.

Was I smart, sir?

>> No.

Again, um... if you could let us finish the lecture, and...

>> You stupid science bitches couldn't even make my friends

more smarter.

(laughs) >> Hey, you're right!

Stupid science bitch couldn't even make I more smarter.

All right, let's get out of here.

>> Hey, Charlie!

>> Police Academy.

>> Police Academ is an awesome movie.

>> Mahoney!

Mahoney's my favorite character.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

access.wgbh.org (trio chanting backwards)