Original subtitles

>> MAC: A reading from the Holy

Bible.

Genesis, chapter one.

"God created the heaven and the

earth, and the earth was without

form and void, and darkness was

upon the face of the deep..."

>> DENNIS: Hey, buddy, do we

have to be kneeling this entire

time?

>> DEE: Yeah, this is not

comfortable.

>> I mean, it's gonna get

uncomfortable.

>> Yes, you need to be kneeling.

It's 11:58, and Mac Day's about

to officially start.

I want there to be ceremony.

>> FRANK: Are we gonna be in the

dark the whole time?

>> My goodness, this is a lot of

complaining.

Charlie, can you please remind

everyone of the rules?

>> CHARLIE: We are about to

officially begin Mac Day.

For the entirety of this day, we

will forced to do everything Mac

wants us to do.

>> And if anyone is caught

complaining?

>> An extra day is added to Mac

Day.

If you cannot resist the urge to

complain, you are allowed one

scream a day to the ceremonial

screaming pillow.

>> That's right.

Charlie, when it was your day,

did I complain about searching

for goblins for ten hours

straight?

>> Well, ghouls, and, no, they

didn't complain, 'cause we found

three. It was pretty sweet.

>> We found none.

>> Yeah?

>> We found no ghouls, we found

no goblins, we found no

gremlins, because they don't

exist.

>> Well...

>> Guys, this whole thing was

meant to bring us closer

together, and by the end of it,

you're gonna feel a little bit

closer to me, and if I've done

my job right, a little bit

closer to God.

>> Yes.

>> Because I've modeled my day

after the seven days of God's

creation, making my one day feel

like an entire week.

>> Oh!

>> Come on, man. Really?

>> Oh, come on, will you?

For crying out loud, my knees

are...

(overlapping chatter)

>> Three, two, one, begin!

On the first day, God said, "Let

there be...

Mac."

>> Seven straight hours of

lecturing?

>> Yeah, and five hours alone

dedicated to the evils of

homosexuality... from him?

>> Did anyone else notice that

he had an erection the entire

time?

>> Of course.

>> How could you miss it?

>> I mean, it was, like,

shooting--

>> It was right there.

Shh, shh, shh-- here he comes.

>> Okay, guys, I want to

introduce a new theme to the

day.

So I'd like to infuse the

religious angle with the theme

of badass.

And I quote once again from

Genesis.

"And God said, 'Let there be a

firmament in the midst of the

waters, and let it divide the

waters from the waters.'

And God made the firmament and

divided the waters which were

under the firmament from the

waters which were above the

firmament.

And it was so."

There you have it.

>> There we have what?

Uh, the what...?

What are you saying?

>> It's water.

I'm saying "water," 'cause it

said water, like, eight times.

So, it's water.

That's what the whole thing is--

water.

>> Water what?

>> Water and badass, badass

and water.

>> Ah.

>> Yes!

>> We're doing a Project Badass

video over the Schuylkill River.

>> Yes! Yes!

>> Ah!

>> Yes!

>> Ah.

>> All right! Hey!

>> Do you guys hear the

motorcycle?

I have another special surprise.

We will be joined by my cousin

all day!

>> Your cousin?

>> Yeah, my cousin from the

country.

I haven't seen him in, like,

forever, but, guys, trust me.

He's, like, the second biggest

badass I know, so, it's gonna

be awesome.

Country Mac coming to the big

city.

(Frank groans)

Country Mac!

>> COUNTRY MAC: Hey, City Mac!

(laughter)

(both make wind-whipping sounds)

(wind-whipping sounds continue)

>> Holy shit, there's two of

them.

>> Okay, I think I like this

framing.

>> I don't even know what it is

you want us to do.

>> Well, I'm gonna jump from the

Strawberry Mansion Bridge.

>> What?!

>> Yes!

>> Holy shit!

>> What do you mean, from it?

To the water?

>> What?!

>> Yeah, I'm gonna jump from the

top of the bridge to the water.

Okay, I need you to act like

concerned citizens, but I need

this to feel real, okay, guys?

So, I need you to be neutral

about the jumper prior to the

jump, 'cause you don't know me.

You don't know this man.

But I need you to react at the

same time because I need to draw

the jump in later to match your

reaction.

>> You lost me there.

What do you mean, "Draw the

jump?"

You're not jumping?

>> No, I'm not gonna jump.

Of course I wouldn't jump.

I draw it in later because it's

like a post effect.

>> Well, what's badass about

that?

>> Your reaction is badass, you

know?

I want you to scream, "Badass!

You know, that dude is badass!

I've never seen anything as

badass as that." You know?

>> Oh...

>> But don't say my name, 'cause

you don't know this man.

That's why it feels real, you

know?

Now, later, if you want to do,

like, a Rudy-type situation

where you carry me through the

streets of Philadelphia, you

know, that's cool.

>> We won't.

>> I can put that in the

schedule.

>> It's not a post effect?

>> No, that's a practical

effect, that would happen real,

but only if it's organic, you

know?

>> This is a goddamn mess, this

whole thing's a goddamn mess.

>> I'm lost, I'm lost.

You guys lost?

>> You're not gonna be badass,

but you're gonna...

>> And we're not gonna react?

>> This is all sounding a little

bit like a complaint from you

guys.

>> Who's complaining?!

We don't know what's going on!

>> We don't know you.

>> (chanting): Mac! Mac! Mac!

Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

>> Badass! Badass! Badass!

>> ALL: Badass! Badass!

>> All right, Country Mac, let's

do...

Keep it going. Keep it going.

>> All right.

>> Let's do this! Let's do this!

>> Badass.

>> Badass.

(Dennis screams)

>> It's pretty high, it's good.

It's excellent, it's gonna be

great.

>> You better jump quick before

somebody tries to stop you.

>> Trust me, no one's gonna try

and stop me.

>> Jump, asshole!

>> Yep. See, in the big city,

nobody cares whether you live or

die.

>> Jump, you pussy!

>> All right, have a nice day.

Okay, so, I'm gonna run to the

end, book as fast as I can to

the fence, climb up to the top,

stop, climb back down to safety.

That's it.

>> So, you're not gonna jump?

>> I don't jump, okay?

Why does everybody think I jump?

Nobody jumps.

Evel Knievel didn't jump.

Johnny Knoxville doesn't jump.

Okay, this is big Hollywood

stuff, okay? Just stand back.

I don't want you to get hurt.

Let me handle it.

>> Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man

standing on the bridge.

>> What?!

>> Yes, he looks like...

Look at that.

>> His name is Mac.

>> No, we don't know his name.

>> We don't know it.

>> Oh.

>> His name is Rudy, I believe,

you guys.

>> That's what it was-- Rudy.

>> We don't know what his

name is, and that's okay, but we

don't know each other. Hi.

>> How are you?

>> Nice to meet you.

>> Oh, hi, hi, but it looks like

he may commit suicide.

>> Ah!

>> Oh!

>> Suicide is badass.

>> Right!

>> No, no, no, no, Rudy's not

trying to kill himself.

>> We don't know his name.

>> He just likes to jump,

I guess.

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Mac is the one who's the

badass, remember that.

>> Badass.

>> No, we don't... Will you

stop, stop, stop?

Everybody stop. Come on, guys.

What are we doing?

>> I don't know what we're

doing.

>> We got to get on the same

page.

>> It's so unclear.

He gave us, like...

>> Don't know what we're doing.

>> Maybe just you talk.

>> Well, whatever it is, we got

to get on the same page.

Otherwise, we're gonna have to

do it over and over and over...

(water splashing)

Did someone just go plop?

>> Looked like it.

>> Someone just jumped.

Someone jumped.

>> He jumped! That's it!

He jumped, guys! He jumped!

The day's over, the day's over.

Country Mac is gone, he's dead.

Let's get out of here.

>> Look! Look, look, look!

>> What? What? Oh.

>> Whoa!

>> Oh, holy shit! Oh, my God!

>> Oh, wow! Wow!

>> Whoa!

>> Well, how'd that look?

>> Oh, amazing! All right!

>> How did it look?

>> How'd it look? Badass!

>> It looked badass, dude.

I cannot believe you jumped.

>> Whoa!

>> No, that's not really

badass, guys. That's dangerous.

>> Um, can we put him on our

shoulders and parade him around

like Rudy?

>> I'm feeling that now.

I want to do that.

>> I'm feeling that now.

Yeah, yeah...

(overlapping chatter)

>> No, no, no, no, no, I don't

think that's gonna work anymore.

That's not gonna fit into our

schedule, you know? I mean...

>> I mean, it was your idea...

(overlapping chatter)

>> No, we're very full.

We're very full now.

This is not gonna play.

We're gonna move on to day four

now.

>> Well, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You skipped day three.

>> Uh, day three is when God

created trees and grass and

nature.

You know, kind of a bullshit

day, so we're gonna move on to

day four where God created the

stars.

>> If you look at the Orion

constellation and then track

across to the Big Dipper, you'll

see a gaseous, cloud-like area.

>> (quietly): Okay, I'm gonna

need you guys to go ahead and

ignore everything that this

clown is saying.

God created the stars 5,000

years ago.

>> Uh, who has the pillow?

I need a pillow.

(can clicks open)

>> I think I thought of a way

that we can work day three into

this experience.

>> No, we're on day four.

And, besides, there's no trees

or herbs in the planetarium.

>> But there's herb.

>> Hmm?

>> Who wants to smoke a "J"?

>> Oh, shit. You brought weed?

>> No, no, no, we're not smoking

weed, okay?

It's still illegal in the state

of Pennsylvania.

>> Puff, puff, pass, bitches.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah, come on, Mac, shut up.

I thought you were a badass.

>> (sighs) There's nothing

badass about breaking the law,

Charlie.

>> (coughs) This is gonna make

it way more fun, dude.

>> This isn't about fun.

It's about fearing God, okay?

I'm trying to convert you guys.

>> Oh, my God, is that what this

is about?

You're not gonna convert me in

one day.

I don't believe in God.

>> Well, you should.

Because if you don't, God will

make a flood or a famine, okay?

He will destroy you with

tornadoes and earthquakes and

AIDS.

Where do you think AIDS came

from?

Uh, hello, God's gift to the

gays.

>> Oh...

>> Oh, my God.

>> You're gonna ruin this high,

dude.

>> Mac, I think you're a little

confused there.

I mean, yeah, sure, bad things

do happen.

But what about sunsets?

>> Oh...

>> French kisses.

>> Oh...

>> The smell of rain.

>> Yeah.

>> That's why I believe in God.

>> Yeah.

>> Not because of the things

that he takes away from us but

because of the things that he

gives to us.

>> Oh... dude.

>> Shit, dude.

>> You just ripped a hole in my

mind.

>> See, that's the God I l...

I like that.

>> I'm choosing that one.

>> Excuse me, who's talking back

there?

>> Shut up, science bitch.

(Charlie, Dennis, Dee laugh)

>> Yeah. Yeah, shut up, science

bitch!

>> Aw, dude, dude, dude.

>> Come on, man.

>> He just said it.

He just said it.

>> He just did it.

(whirring)

>> Oh. What the hell?

(machine bangs)

>> Carbs-wise, this is gonna set

me back, but I don't even give a

shit.

(machine bangs)

>> Yes.

>> Country Mac's awesome.

>> Yes.

>> Yeah.

>> This weed that he gave us is

awesome.

>> It's...

>> Yes.

>> Yeah.

>> All these years I've been

feeling like I hate karate.

And, like, I hate Project

Badass and, like... I hate God.

>> Yes.

>> But, like... I realize...

you know what I really hate...

is Mac.

>> Yes.

>> Like, he's made all those

cool things suck.

Not only is he, like,

rui... ning my life...

but with all this God shit that

he's into...

he could be ruining my

afterlife.

>> Yes.

(Mac grunts)

>> I thought that one was

gonna...

>> Let me try.

So...

>> Yeah, I get that.

>> Okay, I feel like we got a

little bit off the rails back

there, but I'm ready to get back

on.

>> Dude, did you guys see the

way Country Mac was riding his

motorcycle?

Badass, dude!

>> No, it was reckless once

again.

>> I thought it was awesome!

>> He was like Batman, just

zipping through the cars.

>> He beat us here by, like, an

hour.

>> Oh, I want to get a

motorcycle, man.

>> Dude, we should all get

motorcycles!

>> Okay, that's enough! Okay?

Enough about Country Mac.

It's still my day.

>> Yeah.

>> Thank you.

On the fifth day, God made fish,

so we'll just skip right past

that.

>> Yeah, we'll skip that.

You're skipping a lot of days,

dude.

>> Well, you can't fit it all

into one day.

That's preposterous.

>> You're the one who came up

with the structure, so... that's

preposterous.

>> All right, on the sixth day,

God created the beasts of the

earth and he made man in his own

image.

And beholdeth... the image of

God.

(techno music playing)

>> Oh, shit.

>> Okay, everybody grab some

grease.

>> Why?

>> Because we're gonna grease up

these beefcakes.

>> No! No! Come on! No!

>> Easy, Frank.

Frank, you better take it easy!

Listen! These guys work off

their beautiful glutes for our

enjoyment, okay?

The least we can do is pay them

back in tan and grease.

>> (sighs) Greasing dudes.

>> Yep.

>> That's why we're here today.

>> I ain't doing this!

>> About time you guys got here.

>> Hey, there you are.

>> Country Mac, man. Hey, bro.

Listen, dude, can you get us out

of here?

>> Yeah, you got to get us out

of here, man.

>> Get out of here?

I'm lovin' it.

I've been gettin' phone numbers

left and right.

>> Oh, sweet, there's chicks

here?

>> Chicks? No.

Dudes.

I'm into dudes.

>> Oh... you're gay.

>> Loud and proud, brother.

Loud and proud.

Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with

that.

>> There's nothing wrong with

that.

Honestly, it's, like, refreshing

to hear.

You know what, happy hunting,

bro, get after it.

>> Cool, cool, cool.

I'll see you all in a little

bit.

>> Cool, yeah, yeah.

See, he doesn't want us to

grease them, you know?

>> God, that's awesome.

>> Because he wants them.

>> It doe... Right.

He wants them for himself.

>> It's so much more comfortable

when someone's gay and open

about it.

And, like, I know we've never

said this as a group, but...

>> Mac's gay.

>> Yeah, Mac's gay.

>> He's gay.

>> He's gay.

>> I mean... okay... smiles.

>> Hey! Hey!

What's with all the chitchat?

Legs and hammies are drying up

by the second.

>> We got stoned and we're

uncomfortable.

>> We're trying to deal with the

whole thing.

>> You guys need to start

greasing some dudes or I'm gonna

freak out, all right?

I'm gonna freak out, and I'm

gonna add another day!

>> No, no, no. We'll grease,

we'll grease, we'll grease.

We're ready to grease.

Give me the grease.

>> We'll grease the dudes and...

>> Okay, that's what I like to

hear.

But don't blow your wads on

these guys, okay?

>> I mean...

>> We still have the karate

tournament.

>> We're gonna watch you fight?

>> Fight? No.

No, day seven is God's day of

rest and judgment.

So I'm gonna sit back and watch

and judge everybody else in the

tournament.

>> Hey, Mac.

I'm drying up over here.

>> Sorry, Big Moe.

Sorry about that.

I'll be right there.

Get to work. Get to work.

Come on.

>> Yeah, okay.

>> All right.

>> Yeah.

>> All right, bud.

>> He's got the boner again.

>> Yeah. Yeah.

>> Well, at least this time it

makes sense, huh?

>> Hmm.

>> All right, listen.

I got an idea.

*

>> Ooh, I don't know about this.

>> This doesn't feel right.

>> No, this is good.

This is gonna be good for him.

I promise. This is the only way.

Oh! Hey.

>> I got you guys all notebooks

and pens.

We're gonna start with the

yellow belts 'cause it's an

inferior class.

>> Actually, we've got a

surprise for you, Mac.

>> Yeah. We signed you up.

You're competing.

>> Huh?

>> You're gonna go fight a guy.

A black belt actually.

>> You're in the tournament.

>> No, no, I-I don't think

that's a good idea.

Mostly because I don't have the

right gear, and I'm not...

>> You're wearing a gi.

>> You are wearing a gi.

>> Yeah, that is the gear.

>> That's the only gear.

>> I notice you're also wearing

a black belt.

Now, you are a black belt,

correct?

>> Um, not technically.

Um, only because I haven't

subscribed to one... discipline.

>> But you are good enough to

fight in a black belt

tournament.

>> 'Cause you're wearing a black

belt.

>> Of course.

>> Shit, Mac, you can do it.

Just go right for the guy's

throat.

>> I know I can do it.

That's not the... I feel like

you're talking a lot throughout

the day.

I know I can do it.

>> So if you can do it, then do

it.

>> I'll sign up if Mac doesn't

want to.

>> I'm gonna do it.

I said I was... I was never not

gonna do it.

>> I'm excited.

>> Yeah.

>> I-I'm really excited to see

this, man.

You are gonna kick that guy's

ass, whoever he is.

*

(Mac making whizzing noises)

(exhaling)

(exhales)

>> This is cruel.

>> Oof.

>> I can't watch it, you know?

>> Trust me, this is for his own

good.

If he doesn't face this now, he

never will.

>> Yeah, it's too bad, but he's

got to get his ass kicked.

>> Yep. It's time for this to

end.

>> Hi.

>> Okay, now bow.

Not to me, Karate Kid, to him.

>> Oh.

>> Bow.

>> Bow.

>> Ready. Fight!

(audience chattering)

(performing kiai)

(screams)

Block, point, Mac!

>> Shit.

>> Guys, did you see that?

I got a point! I got a point!

(grunts)

>> Oh!

>> Hell, no.

(indistinct shouting)

>> Oh!

(grunting, shouting)

(woman screams)

(Country Mac yelling)

(yelling)

(laughing)

>> That was badass!

>> He kicked the shit out of

that guy!

>> Well, I got the actual point.

>> Who cares? You lost.

Country Mac won.

>> Yeah, but it's about the art,

okay?

>> Oh, the art.

>> You got your ass kicked--

that's what happened.

>> I scored an actual point in

an actual karate tournament and

against an actual black belt.

>> Country Mac beat the shit out

of that guy with a beer and his

T-shirt.

>> Yeah, and where is he always

getting those beers, man?

That's the most badass thing

about...

>> Out of the blue, he gets a

beer.

>> No, it's years of training

finally paying off, and an

uncontested black belt point is

the most badass...

>> Oh, my God, we're never gonna

hear the end of this.

Stop, stop!

Hold on a second, Mac.

No, no. Listen, you got your ass

kicked today-- that's what

happened, plain and simple.

So I want you to admit it.

>> Dennis, don't.

The day's almost over.

We only have a couple of hours.

>> No, n-n-n-no, Dee, we have a

lifetime of this to look forward

to, and I for one can't stand

it.

You are not a badass, pal.

Admit it to us right now.

>> Get on your knees!

>> You are not a badass!

>> Oh, my God!

>> Hey, what's wrong with you,

guy?

>> You got a problem?

>> You got the problem, asshole.

>> Look out!

(Dee gasps)

>> Shit.

>> You bring a knife to a fight,

you better be ready to use it,

you jabroni.

>> Just... don't come back here,

you punks.

>> Aw, you made him look like a

bitch!

>> Holy shit.

>> Nice... very nice.

>> Oh, you are badass, dude.

>> How'd you know he had a knife

on him?

>> I gave him an ocular patdown.

Assessed the threat level.

Clocked a knife in his boot.

>> Huh! Holy shit.

(Charlie whoops and chuckles)

>> Guys, I may have had a little

bit of an accident in my pants,

so I think I got to change out

of this gi.

>> He just gave that guy an

ocular patdown, and it actually

worked.

>> It worked.

>> He made a lucky guess, and he

put us all in danger.

>> You made a poopy in your

pants!

Did anybody else do a poopoo in

their pants?

>> No.

>> Of course not.

>> This is our head of security!

>> I don't need to listen to

this, okay?

I'm gonna change out of this gi

and then we're gonna keep going

with the day, okay?

I have a series of lectures that

we're gonna get to.

>> Go get the poop out of your

pants.

>> I can't wait for the

lectures.

Goddamn, man.

>> The guy is in complete denial

about absolutely every aspect of

his life.

And there is nothing we can do

about it.

>> I say we switch him out.

>> Huh?

>> Country Mac for Paddy's Mac.

>> We send Mac to the country,

bring Country Mac here.

>> Yeah, to the bar.

>> That's not a bad idea.

I mean, look, we'd be safer with

an actual badass in the bar.

>> We might actually become a

little bit more badass

ourselves.

>> We would become more like

Country Mac, which'd be great.

>> We have a lot to learn from

him.

We should all get motorcycles.

>> And drink much more beer.

>> And smoke more weed, you

guys.

>> And get in fights and do all

those things.

>> Can we make this happen

before he comes back out...?

>> Let's talk to him, let's talk

to him.

Hey, um... hey, Country Mac, can

we just talk to you for one

quick second, buddy?

Um, listen, we were just talking

and, man, we sure would like for

you to stay with us.

I mean, like-like, stay with us

forever.

Will you be part of our gang?

>> Yep.

>> Uh... just "yep"?

Just, like... That's it?

You're not gonna give a speech

or lecture us or anything like

that?

>> No bossiness?

>> No pontificating?

>> It's not my style.

I just go with the flow.

Let the wind blow through my

hair.

>> Yeah.

>> Oh.

(starts engine)

>> Oh, wow.

>> I love that guy.

>> Aw, look at him go.

>> Where's he even going?

>> I mean, the fact that we

don't know where he's going

makes him all the more badass.

>> Uh-oh. Whoops.

>> Whoopsie.

>> He fell, huh?

>> Tipped over a little bit.

>> Ooh.

>> He's probably okay, though,

right?

>> Well, yeah, he just... popped

over.

>> A little-little bump.

He's fine. He's good, he's good,

he's good, he's good.

(bagpipes playing)

>> Country Mac lived a reckless

life.

He wasn't the kind of guy that

could score a point in a black

belt karate contest.

And it turns out, he was totally

queer.

Which, as we all know, is a sin.

And that, coupled with his

radical religious beliefs, has

most likely landed him in Hell,

where he will burn for all

eternity.

So I will ask for a moment of

silence, in which I will beg

God's forgiveness for Country

Mac's evil, homo ways, while

simultaneously doing a series of

karate moves that I know Country

Mac would've enjoyed so much.

(exhaling)

>> Well, guys, I think the real

lesson here is that there's

nothing badass about riding a

motorcycle without a helmet.

>> Right.

>> Plus, he was drunk all the

time.

>> Yeah.

>> You know what's badass?

Being alive.

>> Yeah.

So, uh, what do we do about this

guy?

(Mac exhaling)

>> Namaste. Namaste.

Okay, we will now pile into the

car, where we will go to the

countryside to leave Country

Mac's ashes in a place that he

loved so well.

>> Actually, we won't.

Because it's officially Frank

Day, so...

(toilet flushing)

All right, Pee Country Mac.

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH

access.wgbh.org

(trio chanting backwards)