Original subtitles

>> MAC: Just use 'em, dude.

>> CHARLIE: I'm not going to

wear gloves while I work!

I'm sorry, it makes no sense.

>> DENNIS: It absolutely makes

sense-- you're a janitor who

snakes toilets with his bare

hands.

>> So my hands get a little

dirty from time to time.

I appreciate the concern, but

I'm fine.

>> It's not for you!

It's for us!

>> DEE: Use gloves!

>> Use gloves.

>> FRANK: Oh, look at this.

Check it out.

The Restaurant and Bar

Association's Best Bar Award is

coming up.

We could get nominated.

>> Frank, we never get nominated

for awards, okay?

And we don't give a shit because

they're stupid.

>> Yeah, we don't care about

that kind of stuff, all right?

Look, am I curious as to why we

never get nominated?

Sure, yeah.

Do I care? Not in the slightest.

>> No, I don't care about it,

you know?

I mean, all right, it is a

little odd we've never been

nominated.

>> Yes, it's odd.

>> At some point it becomes a

little aggressive.

>> So what is it?

We don't deserve it?

We're not cool enough?

>> Whoa.

>> Whoa, okay, Frank.

Now, if... if I do something,

you better believe it's cool.

>> Yeah, if I'm gonna put my

name on something, it's gonna be

award-worthy, you know.

>> I can't imagine that other

people are doing what we're

doing better.

I mean, it's serving up drinks.

>> It's just upsetting.

I'm sorry, I'm getting upset.

>> If-if you want to get a

nomination, you got

to play the game.

>> Nah, I don't want to play a

game to get an award.

That feels lame.

>> It is lame.

Oh, is that your ass? (smooches)

Oh, closer to the hole, sir?

(smooches, groans)

>> You know what's lame?

Being around this long and never

getting an award.

Makes you look like

a bunch of assholes.

>> Hmm.

>> You're really, like, driving

this home, and it's upsetting,

because, like, now I'm getting

the neck thing.

>> I feel... I feel...

I'm getting upset.

>> Yeah, your neck's going nuts?

>> Yeah! You're getting that?

They're making me feel like

an asshole.

>> They are making us feel

like assholes.

>> All right, you know what,

we'll play the game,

I'll kiss ass.

>> Yeah, let's play the game.

>> I'm okay with it,

because who cares?

>> All right, fine,

let's play the game.

But I want to be very clear

about something.

(scoffs) This literally means

nothing to me.

>> This office sucks.

>> It smells bad and it's stuffy

in here.

>> Yeah, it's the Restaurant

and Bar Association, it's a

stuffy organization.

They're not in touch with the

young people like us.

>> Some old boner gives me

attitude, I'm gonna

spit in his face.

>> He starts giving me shit,

I'll spit at him.

>> We should all spit.

>> Look, we're not spitting,

all right?

Just keep your mouth shut and

let me do the talking.

I know what I'm doing.

>> Sorry, sorry to keep you

waiting.

>> Frank Reynolds, Paddy's Pub.

These are my associates.

Stand up, show him some respect.

>> I stand for no one.

>> Please, it's not necessary.

Have a seat.

>> You heard the man-- sit down.

>> Well, now I feel

like standing.

>> But I don't want to stand

through an entire meeting 'cause

I don't know how long it's gonna

last, so I'll sit down.

It's my choice.

>> With much dignity and grace,

we've come to talk to you about

the Best Bar Award.

Now, in the past, our group has

not... paid you any attention,

but now we are prepared to

pay... you what you deserve...

in attention, if you get my

drift.

>> I don't.

>> Ponder lettuce and shrimp.

>> Excuse me?

>> He's inviting you out to

lunch, Bozo-- you gonna go or

not, yes or no?

>> Actually, it's 3:30 in the

afternoon-- I've already eaten.

>> This dickhead doesn't want a

second lun... He's being offered

lettuce and shrimp, he doesn't

want to eat lunch.

>> You eat once a day?

>> (mock sobbing): Hey,

everybody, I had food.

>> All right, you know what, I

am out of here.

I don't need this limpdick

telling me whether my bar's

cool, okay? (hawking)

>> No, no, no! No spitting.

(others hawking)

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, how much is it gonna cost

us to get on the ballot?

>> Ten dollars.

>> Huh?

>> The entry fee is ten dollars.

All you have to do is fill out

the-the paperwork.

>> Why have we never received

this form?

>> Well, we've-we've actually

s-sent you the form many times

in the past, and as I recall, it

always comes back covered in

fecal matter, urine, and...

racial slurs.

>> Oh.

>> That's a joke.

>> Hey, you know, that's just,

like, all in good fun, man.

>> That's just our sense of

humor-- you'll get us.

>> Shut up!

Let bygones be bygones.

>> Right, right.

>> We're here now

to play the game.

>> Yes. Playing the game.

>> I assume you take cash.

>> Oh! So sorry.

That wasn't meant for you, that

was actually meant for you.

>> Yeah, that was meant for him.

>> We thought maybe you would

think that was funny.

>> Yeah, if it exploded in your

face, but I can tell by the look

on your face that you don't

think that's funny.

That's not your style.

>> That's a shame.

>> Yeah, that's sort of our

sense of humor.

>> Guys, he's not gonna get us.

I think we got to get out of

here, right?

All right, guy.

*

>> What'd I say, idiots?

You want to get nominated, you

gotta play the game.

>> We are playing the game,

Frank.

>> Nah, you're not playing...

>> We're just not vibing with

that guy, he's a stiff.

>> We were vibrating, but maybe

at a different frequency than

that guy.

>> I like that.

>> Frank is right.

No, Frank is right, though.

We're too fringe.

I mean, yeah, it's given us a

lot of street cred, but I think

we've alienated a lot of people

in this town.

>> Yeah, you-you want to win

awards, you gotta campaign for

it.

It's an industry award.

>> It's true.

Like, we know we're cool and our

customers know we're cool, but

the industry doesn't get it yet.

>> All right, you know what?

Can you guys actually drop me

off back at the bar?

I'm gonna go work on the Best

Song.

>> What Best Song?

>> The Best Song Award.

>> There is no Best Song Award.

What are you talking about?

>> Well, that's all the more

reason to do a Best Song, right?

We'll be the only bar who did

it, and that's a good chance

we'll cover all the bases.

(Frank sighs)

>> I tell you what: let's drop

him off either way.

>> Okay.

>> That sounds good.

>> Good idea, Charlie.

>> Good idea, come on.

>> What?

*

>> I can't believe that this

place won Best Bar.

I mean, who comes to this place?

>> A shitload of people.

Sudz is a super-popular place.

>> I can't believe how bright it

is in here.

I don't like it.

>> Yeah.

And what's with all the loud,

fake colors?

I mean, where's the subtlety?

>> All right, let's go grab a

drink.

We'll suss out the competition.

>> I'm gonna go find a manager,

introduce myself, give him

this swag bag.

>> What's in that bag?

>> Ah, it's just this stuff I

had our names printed on.

I got a bottle opener, a

keychain, egg.

>> Why would you give him an

egg?

>> It's like a paperweight.

Trust me, Deandra, people eat

this shit up.

Look, you gotta play the game.

I know how to do it.

>> Right.

Good luck.

Let's get a drink.

>> Yep.

>> Hey, guys.

How you doing?

My name is Greg; I'll be your

bartender tonight.

You ever been to Sudz before?

(laughing)

>> You wish.

>> Don't think so, pal.

>> Okay, well, welcome, then.

For our first-timers, I like to

recommend our blended signature

cocktail, The Blue Hole.

It's served with three straws in

a fishbowl.

It's pretty darn good.

Some people say it's better than

an orgasm. (laughs)

>> Not that he's ever had one.

Oh!

(laughing)

>> Okay, Maxwell, remind me to

find a new best friend.

>> Aw! Ee-aw!

(chuckles)

>> Ugh.

>> Two margaritas for table

six, Greg.

>> Hey, Amanda, what's wrong?

Let me guess.

Your boyfriend canceled on you

again.

>> Conference got extended.

What can I say?

He loves his work.

>> Well, I think he should spend

a little less time on his work

and a little more time on you.

>> ALL: Aw...

>> Thanks. You're so sweet.

>> Hmm.

>> What in the hell is

happening?

>> I don't know.

>> What are they doing?

>> Okay, sorry about that.

So, one Blue Hole?

>> Uh, well, let's see.

There's three of us, so, three

drinks.

>> Yeah, well, they're generally

shared, 'cause they're pretty

big.

>> Said three, dick bag.

>> Get three!

>> Uh-huh.

>> I don't care for that guy.

>> Me neither.

>> No.

>> Too soft. I want a little

edge in my bartender.

You know, this is Philadelphia.

>> What's with the, uh...?

What's with the black friend

that no one is acknowledging?

Is black...?

I feel like it's weird if you

don't talk about that, you know?

>> It's strange to have one

black friend and not be

constantly talking about it.

>> Yeah, shine a light on it,

make sure everybody sees and

knows, like, "I have a black

friend," and that's a thing.

>> 'Cause it's weird that a

black person is friends with

white people.

>> Hmm. I don't... think it is.

>> It's not that weird, but it's

that... but it's a thing.

>> It is, it is.

>> Here you guys go.

>> Oh.

>> There we go.

(all cheering)

>> Oh, drink up!

(whooping)

>> What the hell was that?

>> That's a Sudz alert.

When we ring that bell,

everybody's got to drink, right?

>> Yeah.

(laughs)

>> I don't need a bell telling

me when to drink.

I'll drink when I'm goddamn good

and thirsty.

>> I'm pretty sure I know when

to take a drink.

>> Screw their stupid bell, you

know?

I wish I had drank when

everybody else drank, though,

'cause it seemed like fun.

>> Well, now I feel left out.

>> Can we drink now?

>> Let's drink now.

>> Together?

>> 'Cause I-I...

>> Now I'm angry.

>> Mmm.

Mmm.

>> What are you doing in my

office?

>> Oh.

(laughs)

You snuck up on me.

Frank Reynolds, owner of Paddy's

Pub.

I just thought I'd come by and

say hello, pay my respects.

Also, I got you a little goody

bag here.

Some trinkets, knickknacks that

you might enjoy.

>> There's a broken egg in here.

>> Oh, shit.

That wasn't the hardboiled one.

Hey, you want me to cook that up

for you?

Ah.

>> Mmm.

>> Oh, man.

>> Ooh! Goddamn.

That went down easy.

I like this.

>> Yeah.

>> Guys, I'm starting to like

this place.

>> It's growing on me, too.

I-I like the chemistry that the

staff has.

Oh, did you guys see that

charged moment between Greg and

Amanda?

>> Yes.

>> Boy, I tell you.

She's got a boyfriend, but I

think that she and Greg should

end up together. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

>> I'd like to come back next

week to see if they do.

>> Yeah. Me, too.

>> You know? I mean, she is

cute, she is just super cute,

right?

>> She's so cute.

>> She's cute. She is very cute.

She's not funny, though, so...

>> Yeah, but, no, but she

doesn't need to be funny because

she's cute, she's loveable,

everybody likes her, and then,

if she can tell a joke, yeah,

hey, it's just a bonus, you

know?

>> Let's get out of this dump.

>> Oh, actually, this place is

not a dump, Frank.

It's pretty great.

Hey, hey, Greg, can you get this

man a Blue Hole?

You got to try this thing.

>> I got news for you.

Our secret's out, and it stinks.

This manager's been to Paddy's,

and he said it's nothing but a

bunch of people yelling over

each other.

>> Well...

>> So what? That's what we do.

We yell at each other, and if

people want to tune in and

listen, then they're welcome to.

>> Yeah, but I think that's

off-putting to the customer.

I mean, Greg would never yell at

Amanda.

>> All right, I'll tell you what

we got to do.

We got to up our game.

We should host an industry

night.

Invite all the people who vote

who's in the industry to come to

our bar, and we'll show 'em what

we're made of.

>> Yeah, but I'd like to tweak a

little bit of who we are and

what we're made of, right?

>> Yeah.

>> Soften the edges a little

bit.

>> All right, we'll tweak it a

little bit, we'll show these

bastards who's award-worthy.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah!

>> Oh-ho! Drink! Drink!

>> Okay, guys, if we're gonna

show these industry folks

tonight that we're likeable, we

need to have some funny banter

like Greg and Maxwell have.

>> Yeah. Don't worry.

I'm gonna be zinging one-liners

all night long.

>> Uh, actually, Dee, you won't

be zinging anything around,

because men are intimidated by

funny women, all right?

So, what we need you to be is

just pretty and benign.

But we are gonna do a will-they-

or-won't-they thing between you

and Mac.

>> Dee and I don't want to be

together.

>> No.

>> But the customers want you to

be together.

That's fun for them.

>> Why would it be fun for them

to watch two people not want to

be together?

>> Well, no. You do want to be

together, okay?

The customers have to think that

you think that you don't want to

be together, but you do, deep

down, want to be together.

The problem is, right now, I'm

getting that you guys don't want

to be together.

I need you to want to be

together.

>> Ugh.

>> Question.

>> Yes, you're wondering how

we're gonna make Dee attractive

enough to where you'll want to

be with her.

>> Yes.

>> Okay, see, what I'm gonna do

is, I'm gonna shellac her with

makeup, and I'm gonna blast her

with light to soften up all

those features.

>> I am into that, yes.

>> Yes. Okay, great.

So, guys, I got us banter cards.

Mac, you're gonna welcome the

customer in, and then I'm gonna

execute with a quip.

Let's give it a shot.

>> "Hey, I'm Mac.

Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

I would like to recommend to

first-timers our signature

blended drink, Caribbean

Paradise.

People say it's better than an

orgasm."

>> Not that he's ever had one.

>> I've had orgasms!

I've had tons of orgasms!

I've had one with your mom,

dude!

I will strangle you, I'll stick

my goddamn thumb through your

eye!

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, dude, relax, relax.

Sit down. What are you doing?

>> Okay.

>> You came at me, and I gave it

back to you hard, 'cause...

>> Uh, yeah, I'm getting that.

Look, I'm just doing the thing.

>> Oh.

>> See, what you just did--

that's how we normally talk.

That's very aggressive.

>> I came at you hard.

>> You came at me real hard, and

people aren't comfortable with

that sort of behavior.

That's why we're trying

something different here, okay?

Guys, memorize these lines,

okay?

We need to seem like it's coming

off the cuff.

>> Right. Plus, she didn't even

feel a thing.

>> What?

>> What?

>> That's the punch line to Mac

bang-banging our mom.

She didn't, she didn't even

notice.

>> Oh, Dee, Jesus Christ, your

timing is so bad.

>> He just said it.

>> There's a timing concern.

>> Look, stop.

Don't do the jokes, okay?

Let's settle into our new roles

here, okay?

Little bit of role-play.

>> Change of plans.

Change of plans.

We got to go darker with

Industry Night, edgier.

>> No, Frank, don't derail us.

We're doing bright lights,

bright colors, and funny banter.

That's what wins.

>> Wrong.

Artemis and I went to a

burlesque bar last night.

Eh, there were women

stripping, but it was classy.

It was dimly lit.

They were serving martinis,

period costumes.

There weren't a lot of people in

there, but this bar has won a

shitload of awards.

>> Do you guys think that our

location is the problem?

>> Hmm.

>> That could be it, yeah.

Well, no, see, there was that

bar that just opened last year

right down the street, and

they've already won a ton of

awards.

>> Oh, mm-hmm.

>> Oh, right.

>> Is it us?

>> Ugh.

>> No way.

>> Us?

>> No, no, no, it can't be us.

>> No way.

>> I highly doubt it's us.

>> It's everybody else.

>> It's their problem, not us.

We don't have the...

>> Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I got it! I got it!

>> Got what?

>> The Best Song.

I wrote the Best Song.

It's amazing.

Get with the program.

>> Yes, Charlie, please.

We're all clamoring to hear.

>> * Whoa, they say

The world's your oyster

Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me

* You're the belle of the ball

But you ain't my cup of tea

They always vote you

* Best in Show

But this doggie disagrees

'Cause I like life

In Paddy's Pub... *

>> Okay.

>> * There's a place for me

It's the place I go

Where the beer is cheap

* And the lights are low

It's Paddy's Pub

I like Paddy's Pub

* Let the record show

The greatest place to go

Is that bar called Paddy's Pub *

(harmonica playing)

* I like life in Paddy's

Pub... *

>> My goodness!

>> Hey, hey!

>> Well, well, well.

My goodness.

>> You guys really like it?

You're not just bullshitting me?

>> It was pretty great!

>> I tried to go right down the

middle, you know, of Middle

America, Randy Newman...

>> Yeah, I didn't catch any rape

references, nothing about

spiders, nothing about ghouls.

>> (chuckles) Why would there be

rape?

>> You're always talking about

rape and spiders.

>> You guys misinterpret it,

but...

>> Charlie, that was great.

It was really great.

You really knocked it out of the

park.

Let's go down to the basement

and get some lemons for the

party.

>> Oh, yeah, sure, okay.

I'm glad you like the song, man.

(Frank chuckling)

(lock clicks)

>> Are you locking me in here?!

>> Yeah.

Well, we just couldn't have him

do that song.

>> Doesn't make any sense.

>> No.

>> It's ridiculous.

>> All right, let's put on a

good show.

*

>> All right, people are

starting to arrive.

This is great.

Okay, so when a customer comes

up to you, remember, keep it

light.

>> Light.

>> Keep it playful.

>> Playful.

>> Right?

>> Y'all ain't got to worry

about me.

'Cause I'm gonna be chatting

these fools up like a mug.

>> Cool.

>> Okay, thanks, Z.

>> Yeah, I'm a little worried

about him.

We should have gotten a less

intense black guy for diversity,

but we don't have any in our

roster.

But maybe we could find another

one, throw him into the mix?

You know, to counter Z's vibe?

>> You got to be really careful

about the ratio.

We get too many black guys,

people think it's a black bar.

That will not help us.

>> Black bars don't win awards.

>> No.

>> I don't know why, but they

don't.

>> Loving these lights, you

guys.

I am glowing like an angel

over here.

Oh, my God.

>> Hi, can I get a drink?

>> Hey, I'm Mac.

Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

I like to recommend to our first

timers our signature cocktail--

Caribbean Paradise.

Some people say it's better than

busting a nut.

>> Excuse me?

>> Busting a nut.

It's like, uh, you know, blowing

your load.

He said it was a funny joke.

>> Well, no... hold on.

>> Yeah, it's like coming all

over you.

It's light, it's playful.

>> Yeah, well, no, I think what

my friend is trying to refer to

is an orgasm, which is light and

playful, but he overstepped

himself and got a little bit

too specific.

>> Sorry, we jizz in the drink

and that's what makes it light.

>> No, no, nobody's jizzing on

anything.

>> Well, where do I jizz?

>> You don't jizz.

>> How can, how can I orgasm if

I don't jizz?

>> No, ma'am, I think what...

>> Just tell me where I jizz so

I can give this lady her drink.

>> Ma'am, what would you like to

drink?

And we won't jizz on anything.

>> Not like Mac's ever had an

orgasm.

>> Holy shit, you're late.

>> She was late.

>> Go back in your light.

>> We're all set up back there.

Deandra, grab a couple of

bottles of champagne, let's go.

>> Yup.

>> N-N-No, I got it, I got it.

Dee, stay in your light.

Come with me, come here.

All right, listen, listen,

listen.

What was that?

All right, look, look, look,

look.

You two do the charged moment.

Will they or won't they?

>> Mm-hmm.

*

(Dee sighs)

>> What's wrong, Dee?

>> Oh, nothing.

>> Let me guess-- boyfriend

troubles?

>> Hmm.

>> This guy doesn't know what

he's got.

He's really ugly, too.

>> I'm sorry, are you talking to

me?

>> Yeah.

I said her boyfriend's ugly.

Pay attention, bozo.

>> Okay, he's not ugly, all

right?

That wouldn't make any sense.

That's-that... He's not ugly.

>> Dude's a total tool, too.

>> It's... (stammers)

You know what he's not?

He's not covered in stupid

tattoos and he doesn't have a

cigarette for a mother...

>> What?!

Don't talk shit about my mom!

>> Whoa.

>> Hey!

>> Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop-- what the hell's going on

over here?

>> That man is choking that

woman.

>> Get over here.

What are, what are you doing?

This isn't will they or won't

they?

This is I know they won't and I

know I don't want them to.

(Charlie grunting)

>> Excuse me, there's a guy

crawling out of your floor.

>> Oh, uh, that-that's okay.

That's just our janitor.

Uh, don't worry about it,

gentlemen.

What are you doing, dude?

>> I broke out.

>> Are you high?

>> You put, you put me in the

basement with spray cans.

I got high.

>> Do me a favor, go back in the

basement, okay?

Get higher if you want.

Just go back in.

Don't sit down there.

No, no, no, no, no, don't,

don't... Goddamn it.

What are we gonna do?

>> Oh, well, it looks like Z

brought friends.

>> Yo, yo, yo.

>> What up?

>> Oh!

That's too many black guys,

dude-- the ratio's off.

Dennis, the ratio is off!

>> Okay, you know what?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, the burlesque,

remember?

>> Burlesque, yes, yes, yes.

Hey, guys, guy... gentlemen,

gentlemen.

How about something a little bit

more upscale, yeah?

Here, come with me.

I want to show you something.

>> Yeah, this is classy.

(yelling)

>> Get the bottle out, get the

bottle out!

>> I'm trying!

>> Don't judge me-- this is art.

(grunts)

>> I got it.

>> That's disgusting.

>> Get out, shut the door!

>> This is not art.

>> Attention, attention,

everybody.

I got a little ditty about

Paddy's Pub.

* I'm a singer.

>> Charlie's doing the song.

The song was light.

The song was light.

That'll lighten things up.

>> Do the song, dude, do the

song.

>> Please enjoy this song.

>> * There is a spider, spider

Spider

He's deep in my soul, soul

* He's lived here for years

Years

He just won't let go

* He's laying around

He's got a mean bite

Now he's ready

To fight... *

* And stand up

For what he knows... *

* I don't need your trophies

Or your gold

I just want to tell you all

Go (bleep) yourselves... *

>> (laughing): Oh, shit.

(high-pitched singing)

* Go (bleep) yourselves...

(spits)

* Ooh, wah-ooh...

>> Is he spitting?

>> Is he spitting?

>> Oh, he's spitting at them.

>> Is that the sign?

>> It's a good sign.

>> Spit!

>> Hey, you!

>> What is wrong with you

people?

>> Get out of our bar!

>> Get the hell out of our bar!

>> Get out of here!

>> * I really mean to tell you

(bleep) you, (bleep)

I don't need you in my bar. *

>> Beat it!

>> There's your damn award.

>> * Ooh...

(clears throat)

Did you hear my song?

>> I heard it.

I love it.

Great song, Charlie.

>> Yeah, man.

>> You know what, that felt

good; that felt real good.

>> I mean, I guess it is us

after all, you know?

It's us.

>> All right, it's us.

>> Screw them, you know why?

'Cause I like us.

>> I like us, too, Dee.

>> Well, because we're awesome.

>> Yeah, we're good at what we

do.

>> Yeah!

>> We do our own thing and we're

good at it.

>> I don't need their

validation.

>> That's exactly right.

>> No, no, I'm happy with us.

>> Totally.

I really wanted an award,

though.

>> I was dying for one.

>> Ah, that'd be so nice.

>> Would've meant a lot.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH

access.wgbh.org

(trio chanting backwards)