Original subtitles

>> * It's how you lie to me

(Dee chewing noisily, moaning)

* When I'm too blind to see

And how you used the love

I give you... *

>> CHARLIE: Dee, what are

you doing?

>> DEE: I'm eating cake.

>> I can see that you're

eating cake, but that's Frank's

cake from, like, a month ago.

I threw that in the trash!

>> DENNIS: Oh, my God.

Seriously?

>> Yes!

>> Dee, you're eating

trash cake and smoking?

I mean, you know what

you look like?

You look like...

>> Like a bird?

>> Yeah. Yeah, of course you

look like a bird.

>> Yeah.

>> You always look like a bird.

But I was gonna say, uh,

you look like a...

>> Like a, like a bird lady

covered in bird shit

eating cake?

>> Dee, slow down, all right?

>> Yeah. Let the man do this.

>> Let me do my thing.

You're jumping on my thing here.

>> MAC: You know what she

looks like?

She looks like a bird

that has no...

>> A bird with no tits

and no ass?

>> Dee, let us handle...

>> Yeah.

>> FRANK: I got one, I got one.

>> Go, go, go, go, go, go!

>> She looks like...

>> Like a bird.

>> That was it.

>> Was that it?

>> Ah...

>> That was it.

>> See? That would have

been funny, Dee.

>> Right. Yeah, Dee, don't...

What are you doing?

You know, that's not fun.

Stop. Stop whatever this is.

I don't like it.

>> I'm sorry, you guys.

I'm sorry.

>> Don't apologize.

That's just sad.

Fight back at us.

>> What's the point?

The joke's always on me,

all right?

I get it.

>> Yeah, but it's no fun

unless you fight back.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah, I'm just gonna go home.

>> Good, go home.

I hope you, uh...

>> You hope I get hit by a bus?

>> Dee, come on, that's...

>> What difference does it make?

I can't get any lower than

I am already.

I might as well just throw

myself in front of a bus

though, because I'm so ugly

I can't even get a bus

to hit on me.

>> Well.

>> Geez.

>> What the hell was that

all about?

>> I'll tell you exactly what

that was.

(Dee moaning)

>> * There's a diamond ring...

(door opens)

>> Dee? Dee, are you dead?

>> Did you kill yourself,

Dee, or...?

Ah.

>> Dee, why is your door

unlocked?

Do you realize how unsafe

that is?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Okay, Dee, this is

truly pathetic, and you are

really bringing us down,

so we're gonna help you out.

>> We realize we may be in some

ways responsible for the

state you're in.

>> Mm, let's not...

>> Yeah, all right, so we got an

idea though, okay?

We're gonna sign you up for an

open mic night at a

comedy club!

>> Yes.

>> Right? That's your thing!

And we're actually gonna support

you, Dee.

>> And now that you don't care

anymore, you're not gonna

gag on stage.

>> Yeah, you know, you're right

in that sweet spot between,

like, suicidal and actually

dead, where most comedians,

they thrive there.

>> Yeah, what was that thing you

said about how the joke's always

on you?

That could be a catchphrase.

>> Dee, look, I don't want to

pile on here, 'cause you're

clearly very close to killing

yourself...

>> Yeah.

>> ...but I got to say, I

totally disagree with the guys

on this.

I'm glad you've given up.

And I want to propose something

totally different: I would like

to find you a man.

>> Come on.

>> Yeah. A man to settle

down with.

Now, I'm not talking about a

smart man, not-not

a handsome man,

but a very, very average if not

below average man to take you

off of our hands forever.

>> Yeah, okay. Go ahead.

Go with it.

>> Go with it?

>> Which one?

You were not clear.

>> The thing. Whatever. Both.

I don't care.

>> Let's-let's do my plan.

>> The comedy plan.

>> Let's do our plan.

We're gonna do the comedy plan,

all right?

>> Meh.

(breathing into microphone)

>> (hushed): Dude, she is gonna

bomb so hard, and then she's

gonna feel worse.

>> (hushed): It's okay, dude.

She'll tell a couple jokes, and

then we'll, like, fake laugh

and stuff, you know?

>> And tomorrow we can shit

on her.

And she'll fight back and

be happy again.

>> Say something!

>> (listlessly): I decided

to stop showering.

(Frank laughs)

>> Too much, Frank, too much.

>> That's...

>> There was no joke told.

>> I just figured,

"What's the point?

I'm just a filthy person."

I passed out at the park the

other day, and a couple of kids

wrote, "Wash me" in the filth

on my vagina.

(laughter)

>> Gross.

>> That was kind of funny, man.

That was kind of funny.

>> It was so gross.

>> It was gross.

Yeah, but that guy over

there laughed.

>> I guess, joke's on me.

(laughter)

>> There's the catchphrase.

>> Yeah, yeah! Ca...

Yeah, that's like a ca...

>> This is ridiculous.

I'm gonna go select some men

for Dee.

This is a waste of time.

>> Um, I stepped in front of a

bus, but it missed me.

I can't even get a bus

to hit on me.

(laughter)

>> People are laughing!

>> We love it!

>> For real.

>> For real?

>> Yeah!

>> Knock, knock, knock.

Can we say hi? There she is!

>> Comedy star.

>> Dee, so funny.

>> Really funny.

>> Oh, my God, so funny.

>> Great! It was

absolutely great!

>> You did the bus joke, and it

was like...

>> They loved the catchphrase.

>> They loved the catchphrase!

>> And think about this, Dee.

You didn't even gag once.

Not one dry heave, nothing.

>> I guess I did pretty good.

>> Yeah, great!

>> "Pretty good," she said!

Dee, it was one of those shows

where you're, like, "Whoa!"

>> Oh, my goodness.

>> And then your brain

goes (makes explosion sound).

>> All right, guys,

will you stop, okay?

You're not helping.

Please, go get a drink,

all right?

Give us a second.

I need to talk to Dee.

>> We tried.

>> Yeah, you tried.

>> That was it.

>> Thanks, guys.

>> All right, listen,

listen to me.

Your set tonight was terrible.

It was atrocious.

Every single thing that came

out of your mouth was trash.

It was filth. It was disgusting.

That's what really happened,

okay?

I want to be very clear

about this.

Now, listen, I brought some men

for you to look at, all right?

I've got some selections.

Now, they're not great.

They're not, they're not anybody

to brag about, but, uh, you

know, they're men.

And they're probably willing to

spend their life with you, so...

>> Uh, hey, uh, sorry

to interrupt.

My name's Snyder, and I'm

a talent scout.

And I just caught your last set.

You were hilarious.

So I just wanted to give you

my card.

Give me a call.

>> No, she will not be calling

you, sir, okay?

Please do not encourage her.

Get out of here.

You're-you're interrupting my

work, all right?

You're not on my list

of chosen men.

Why would you be?

>> What are you...?

>> Christ.

>> What are you doing?

Why would you do that?

>> Come on, Dee.

That guy clearly just lurks

around these places pretending

to be a talent scout so he

can hit on women.

Now look-look at my selects,

all right?

Look at these guys, huh?

(Dee gasps)

Yeah, I know.

>> This one's just, like, one

big chin.

>> Well, I didn't have a lot

to work with.

You know, here we are,

and look at you.

I mean, for Christ's sakes,

look.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, I want this to work,

I really do.

So I know I can do better,

all right?

Can you do better, all right?

I'm gonna be at your house

tomorrow morning, 10:00 a.m.

Have some new candidates

for you to look at, all right?

>> Okay.

>> This is gonna work.

This is not gonna work.

Let's get you cleaned up,

all right?

God, everything you did tonight

was so gross.

>> Oh! What is this?

Dee, open up! Open!

You're locking your door

all of sudden?

What is that? Come on.

You care all of a sudden?

>> What? What?

>> Hey, let me in.

I got selections for you.

>> Now's not a good time.

I'm right in the middle

of something.

>> They're good selections.

Hey, it's the time I said,

so it's the time it'll be.

Now let me in. I got selects.

>> I don't care about

your selects.

Go!

>> What are you doing?

Are you hiding something?

>> No.

>> Is someone in there?

>> No, no. Don't worry about it.

>> Let me in or I'll barge in.

>> Hey, everything all right

over there, Dee?

>> Yeah, it's fine.

>> Oh, no.

Dee, oh... Oh!

Snyder?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> He's clearly using you.

Or you're using him to further

your nonexistent career.

>> I am not using him.

>> Oh, you're not using him?

>> Nope.

>> Oh, good, good, good, good.

So, you like him?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Find him attractive?

>> Absolutely.

>> Describe the ways in which

you find him attractive.

(Dee scoffs)

>> He's got... he's got all of

his skin, still.

>> Well, I would hope so.

>> And that he has plenty of...

teeth to get...

>> But not all of them?

>> No, not all of them.

>> Hmm.

Dee, why can't you see that this

is the same pattern that you

always fall into?

Some guy uses you or you

use him.

And then you know what happens?

It's use, use, use, fail, fail,

fail, and then it's suicide.

You think you can't go any

lower?

Because you can.

>> Oh, yeah?

Well, he got me another gig for

tonight, boner.

What do you think of about that?

(making goofy noises)

>> What-what is that?

What are you... what are you

doing?

>> Sound effects.

>> Oh, goddamn, Dee.

You have no idea what's funny.

Don't do sound effects.

(Dee making goofy noises)

Don't do... don't... wh-what...

Oh, oh, oh.

>> Hey, hey, hey! Oh!

>> Hey, Dennis, oh, check this

place out.

This is legit.

>> Dude, dude, Dee's opening

for Landslide.

That guy's, like, the real deal.

>> I've never heard of him.

>> Mostly diarrhea jokes.

>> Yeah, he's the diarrhea guy,

but it look-looks like this

comedy stuff's paying off for

her.

>> Yeah, well...

>> Hey, you don't get a gig like

this by accident.

>> Oh, come on, don't get too

excited, all right?

She got the gig 'cause she's

banging some creep.

It's not gonna go well.

>> Who's the nerd?

>> Who, this guy? This is Walt.

Yeah, guy's got no self-esteem,

just like Dee, so they're

perfect for each other.

So after she bombs tonight, I'll

put them together, thereby

controlling the situation, and

her, as I always have and I

always will.

>> What?

>> Uh... Walt, just Walt-Walt's

the plan.

>> I'm Walt.

>> Yeah, shut up, Walt.

They know who you are.

>> I'm sorry.

>> Ladies and gentlemen, Sweet

Dee Reynolds!

(crowd cheering)

>> Sweet Dee!

(breathing into microphone)

>> Sweet Dee, joke's on you!

(laughter)

>> She's got fans now?

Christ, come on.

>> So I finally broke down and I

took a shower the other day.

The stink flipped around and now

my soap smells like dirty vag.

(laughter)

>> She said "vagina."

A woman said "vagina."

>> That's what makes it funny!

>> Tasteless.

>> (robot voice): Vagina,

vagina.

Vagina, vagina.

(laughter)

(making fart noises)

>> And the sound effects out of

absolutely nowhere, no setup.

>> But it's funny!

>> It's not funny, it's not

funny.

>> It's funny, Dennis.

>> What are you doing?

Will you stop laughing, Walt?

Oh, my God, this is the worst.

People will laugh at absolutely

anything.

This is comedy?

(laughter)

>> So, men are just so hard.

Tell you what, they all walk

out on me.

Every one of them.

I can't even keep crabs in this

vagina.

(laughter)

They're all like, "Clickety

clackety, clickety clackety,

clickety clackety clack.

I got to get out of here!"

(robot voice): Evacuate vagina.

"Clickety clackety, clickety..."

(making machine gun noises)

>> The crabs have machine guns.

That makes sense.

>> All right, well, that's it

for me tonight.

I'd like to say it was fun, but

I've had a better time ripping

out my own pubes.

Shellac, shellac, rip!

(yelling wildly)

Ping, ping, ping, ow!

(laughter)

Okay, you guys, well, I'm Sweet

Dee, and the joke's on me!

(crowd cheering)

>> What is going on?

This is unbelievable.

>> Let's give it up for

Landslide!

(crowd cheering)

>> Well, that was a funny white

bitch, wasn't it? (laughs)

Skinny though.

I took bigger dumps than her.

(making fart noises)

(laughter)

It's a landslide!

>> Oh, my God.

>> I bet his diarrhea is nasty!

>> Nasty!

>> Oh, butts, vaginas and

diarrhea, great.

This is what the world's

come to.

(Charlie laughing)

>> Hey, hey.

>> You're on the list?

>> The list? I'm-I'm Sweet Dee's

brother, so we're good.

>> Can't let you back there

unless you're on the list.

>> We got to be on that list.

>> This is fantastic.

I'm not on a list for a place

that I don't want to be.

You know how that feels?

Hey, Dee? Dee?

Uh, don't play this game, Dee.

I-I... We're five feet away from

you, I know you hear...

>> Deandra.

>> Dee. Dee.

Da.

Da.

Da.

Dah.

Dah.

Dah. Dah.

>> Dee. Dee.

(all chanting different

pronunciations of "Dee")

>> Yes, yes, yes. What? What?

>> Oh, hey.

>> Hi. What?

>> Hey, Dee, can we come back

there with you?

>> Yeah, hey, we're, like,

you're biggest fans, like, great

show, like, good job, like,

shut up, I'm sorry.

>> We're gonna start a fan club.

>> Oh, come on, stop kissing her

ass.

Dee, enough of this, okay?

Step over the rope and come meet

Walt.

>> Tell you what.

You three, you're in.

Dennis, you're out.

>> Go before she changes her

mind, go.

>> Hey! Faced! Thanks, Dee.

>> Dee, who do you think you

are?

>> What is the matter with you,

Dennis?

You see them?

They're supporting me, okay?

Because they believe in me.

A fan club could really help

further my career.

>> Career? Oh, wow, Dee.

See, you don't have a career.

All right? So I need you to stop

all this right now.

It's gone too far.

Now, come meet Walt.

He is my select.

>> You know what I think this is

about, Dennis?

I think you're jealous.

I don't think you want me to

succeed.

>> Dee, let me be very clear

about something.

You will never succeed.

Ever.

Instead, you will fly too close

to the sun, and you will choke

and you will gag in a

spectacular manner.

So, please, for the love of God,

take Walt.

>> Hi, I'm Walt.

>> She knows your goddamn name,

Walt; I said it, like, a

thousand times.

>> Look, you know what?

I don't want to be with Walt,

okay?

And I don't want you to find me

a man.

What I need you to do is stay

out of my way, because Sweet Dee

is gonna be a star.

(making machine gun noises)

(laughter)

*

>> Oh.

(crowd cheering)

>> All right!

Here, buddy, everyone else.

(laughter)

(making machine gun noises)

>> Right, I'm Sweet Dee, and the

joke's on me!

Thank you very much.

Good night.

(crowd cheering wildly)

I don't care that you only have

one mic.

Look at me!

Dee Reynolds does not use mics

that other so-called comedians

have spit into, okay?

So get another one.

>> Dee Reynolds?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Hi, I'm Michael Rotenberg.

I'm a talent manager from Los

Angeles.

I've heard a lot about you.

>> Oh, hi. Well...

>> I've got a proposition for

you.

One of my bigger clients is

supposed to do Conan tomorrow

night, and something came up.

They need to fill the spot,

and I brought your name up.

Are you interested?

>> Conan O...

Conan O'Brien?

>> Yeah.

I would love to represent you,

too; I think you're amazing.

I can fly you to L.A. tomorrow

on my private jet, and we can go

straight to Conan.

What do you say?

>> Uh, well, my goodness.

This is all... This is all...

This is all... (gags)

This is all... (gags)

Oh, boy, hold on.

>> Uh, you okay?

>> Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's just, uh, just had a

little piece of sausage.

>> Okay, I'm sure you did.

Um, now, I'm not stepping on

anyone's toes here, am I?

Do you already have

representation?

>> Representation? No.

>> Hey, sweetheart, there you

are.

>> Ew! Mm-mm.

>> Who the hell's that?

>> This is, uh, my new manager.

>> What?

>> Sorry, Snyder, I don't need

you anymore.

This guy's taking me to

Hollywood on a private jet.

>> What? Hollywood!

>> Hollywood!

>> We're going to Hollywood!

>> No, no, no!

We're not going anywhere.

>> There's plenty of room if you

want to take your friends.

>> There's no room, okay?

I have no use for you guys

anymore.

>> Hey, what do you say we go

back to my hotel and have sex?

>> Absolutely.

Screw you, guys.

>> What the hell, Dee?!

We made you!

>> I'm sorry, you made me?!

You made me?!

I made you!

Screw you guys, all right?

(making goofy noises)

Oh.

(Dee laughs)

>> Oh, my.

>> Here we go.

>> Okay.

>> You excited?

>> Am I excited?

Y... yes, I am.

Yes, I...

>> Dee, wait, wait.

Wait.

I made a mistake.

All this time, I've been

searching for the perfect guy to

take you off of my hands

forever, but... I realized

something.

The perfect guy's been under my

nose the entire time.

It's me, Dee.

I'm the perfect select.

I know, I've spent my entire

life shitting all over your

dreams, and not supporting you,

but I was wrong, Dee.

I see that now.

You can succeed.

You wi be a star.

You have to take me.

I'm your twin brother.

I love you, Dee.

>> Dennis...

suck my dick.

(Dennis grunting)

>> Wait.

Dee!

No, wait, Dee, wait!

Don't do this, Dee!

Dee, wait!

Dee, stop!

Don't fly away now!

Dee, wait!

Wait!

>> So when we get to L.A.,

you're going straight into the

limo and right to Conan.

I'm gonna whisk you right

backstage, and we go straight

on.

This is the big-time, Dee.

You're not in Philadelphia

anymore, okay?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> People are gonna be screaming

your name, there's gonna be

paparazzi.

>> Papa... whew.

(gagging): Paparazzi, huh?

>> Yes.

I tipped them off.

It's all about image.

>> It's great!

It's all great.

It's all super sudden though,

isn't it?

(gags)

>> Ooh.

There's a real smell to

that one.

>> Yeah, that...

>> Are you okay?

>> That one was... came...

started deep, that's all.

>> This is your moment, Dee.

(Dee sighs)

If you nail this, we're talking

sitcoms, movie deals, the whole

nine yards.

>> Yeah.

>> So let's get focused.

>> Yes.

>> All right.

>> Yeah.

Let's focus.

Focus.

*

>> * Don't call it a comeback

I've been here for years

I'm rockin' my peers

* Puttin' suckers in fear

I'm gonna take this

itty bitty world by storm

And I'm just gettin' warm *

(Dee retching)

* I'm gonna knock you out

Huh!

Mama said knock you out

* Huh!

I'm gonna knock you out

Huh!

* Mama said knock you out

Huh!

I'm gonna knock you out

(Dee retching)

* Mama said knock you out

Huh! *

>> Welcome to Los Angeles.

Are you ready?

Okay.

Here we go.

>> * Mama said knock

you out... *

(cameras clicking)

(reporters shouting)

>> This is insane.

>> Driver, take the canyons.

Don't go on the highway.

>> Let's see...

(gags)

>> You're gonna be great!

You're gonna be great!

(tires screeching)

Here we go again.

You ready?

(reporters shouting)

Okay, Dee is here, Dee

Reynolds is here!

>> Well, you're late.

Hair and makeup!

We got to go.

The announcer's gonna call your

name, you're gonna walk right

through those curtains and do

your routine.

>> This is your moment.

This is your moment, you got to

grab it, jump on it, okay?

>> I'll be very... (gags)

>> Good. You're gonna be great.

You're gonna be great.

You made it, Dee.

Dee, Dee, you're gonna be a

star, all right?

>> I made it, I made it.

>> You made it.

>> I made it, I can do this.

Okay, calm down, you can do

this.

You did this all by yourself,

you can do this.

Okay.

>> CONAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

a very funny woman, Miss Sweet

Dee Reynolds.

>> Dee Reynolds is a star.

(music playing, crowd cheering)

>> The joke's on you!

(noisemakers blaring)

(crowd cheering)

(Landslide whooping)

>> (chanting): Speech, speech,

speech, speech, speech...

(chanting continues)

>> Shh, shh, shh!

>> What...

What is going on?

>> We got you, Dee!

>> We tricked you, we tricked

you, we tricked you!

>> We set the whole thing up!

You know?

>> Yeah!

>> None of that was real.

All of these people are actors.

>> I chartered a jet.

We flew all over Philadelphia

for six hours.

>> And I'm a garbage man.

>> He's a garbage man!

>> He's your garbage man!

You've met him.

>> None of this is real, Dee!

None of it!

>> Hey, hey, some of it was

real.

>> Yeah!

You banged that guy!

(laughter)

Hey, best part?

Dennis wasn't even in on any

of it!

>> (laughs) I was and I wasn't.

I was and I wasn't.

>> He wasn't, he wasn't.

>> No, no, no.

No, we knew we had to drag him

through the mud, make it seem

legit.

It was great, it was great.

>> The joke's on him, too!

>> Yeah, joke's on him!

(noisemakers blare)

>> Well, it was good.

It was a good joke.

It was a good joke.

Good joke, guys, I love jokes.

>> She's got more to say.

>> Oh.

>> She's got more to say.

>> Why would you do this?

>> Oh, well, you know, you were

being all mopey and annoying...

>> Yeah.

>> ...complaining and stuff.

>> We wanted to show you that

you could sink lower.

>> Talking about killing

yourself, ugh.

>> Some things you just don't

joke about, okay?

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

>> You took it too far.

>> Right.

>> Too far.

>> Yeah.

>> I took it too far?

>> That's what I said.

>> Oh... I took... I took it

too far?

Oh, God, you sons of bitches!

(roaring)

>> And there she goes!

>> She's back!

(laughter)

>> I... no!

>> All right, so we got Dee

back, and I think we may have

broke Dennis.

>> Broke me?

Nah, come on, I'm good.

(laughs) I love all this.

This is great.

I'm gonna pop out for a little

while.

(laughing)

>> He's not loving it.

>> He's not.

>> He's not loving it.

>> No, he's not. (yells)

>> He might go kill himself.

(noisemakers blare)

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH

access.wgbh.org

(trio chanting backwards)