Original subtitles

CHARLIE: So Dennis hasn't even seen the apartment yet?

MAC: No. No. Yeah, Dennis lost a bet, and I got to redesign

our old apartment. He is gonna flip!

Ooh. Nice. Ah. That's great. I'm just

excited to have my old place back to myself.

And guys, after the grand opening,

we finally get a chance to fire...

(Dee gasps) ...the rocket launcher.

Ooh. Yes! Nice, dude! You got a rocket!

It finally came in the mail, and now we have

the perfect opportunity to celebrate with it. Oh.

CHARLIE: Yeah, that will be good. Fire in the hole.

Guys, guys, guys, listen, listen. There's a girl.

She's coming, okay? There's a girl-- Mandy.

Okay, she's here to stay, all right?

And-and-and you guys have to take my lead because

I'm-I'm another guy, so don't address me

as me because I'm somebody else. Are we us?

Well, yeah, of course you are. I don't want to be me. Can I be someone else?

No. You have to be you, okay? All of you are yourselves,

except for Dee. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you right-handed, or left-handed? That won't come up.

Well, it could come up. It won't! CHARLIE: Okay.

I'm gonna go with left then. I'll go with left. Cool. Left.

Let's go with the hand that I am, for Christ's sakes.

Hey! Mandy. Hi.

Hey. Ooh.

Why'd you run up ahead of me there, Brian?

Oh, I had to use the bathroom super bad.

MANDY: Oh.

So, this is the hangout spot then, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, these are my friends.

MANDY: Oh, so that

must make you Prudence then. Yes.

Uh-huh. Yes, it does. DENNIS: Yeah.

MANDY: Oh. He is Prudence, and I'm Griffin. No, he's Mac!

He's just Mac, so don't... Yeah.

And that's Charlie, and that's Frank.

And he's left-handed.

Yeah. Oh.

I suppose I didn't know that about you.

Yeah. No, well, there was really no reason for it to come up. Mama.

Uh, guys, this is, uh,

Mandy. Hi.

Is this is, uh... this is little Brian Junior.

Oh.

Yeah. He's my son.

♪

Well, I'm gonna go with left-handed.

Left-handed or right-handed, man? What's going on here, dude?

All right, look, you guys remember

when we did that Boggs thing.

We flew out to California? Well, if you recall,

I actually got off in North Dakota.

Right? Being out of town, I thought, naturally,

I'm gonna have a little bit of fun, you know, so,

I picked up Mandy there at an Applebee's.

Oh. I was pretending to be

an airline pilot who flies out of Philly named Brian LeFevre.

I went to an old character.

I needed a complete back story for the manipulation.

Of course, of course. Yeah, but wasn't Prudence Brian's wife?

Yes, but in this scenario, she's my sister.

See, I'm always tweaking things based on the situation.

And needless to say, it worked like a charm.

But, uh, five months later,

she calls me up, tells me she's pregnant.

Oh! Mm. Christ, what am I gonna

do here? And need I remind you,

once she finds out that I'm not who I said I was,

and that I don't have any money, she could come after the bar. DEE: Ah.

She could be entitled to that? Ah... shit. All right, guys,

guys, everybody just calm down, all right?

Maybe it's not about money for her. Look, as we all know,

everything is about emotion with women.

Right, Dee? What?!

Whoa. Whoa. Oh, my God. Whoa!

All right, Dee, relax. CHARLIE: Oh, whoa.

Rrr. We're trying to have

a rational conversation, okay?

Yeah, we're trying to help our friend here. Look, I think the point is,

maybe we got to close the emotion door

for Mandy by telling her that you're gay.

Yeah, right, but I already had sex with her.

How am I gonna convince her I'm gay?

Just go with me here.

Brian's not above having a one-night stand with a woman,

but he's got no room for her emotionally

because he's in love with me. With you?

Well, yes, the lover is me, of course. Mm.

Next plan. FRANK: That plan

stinks, because it's always

about money with women.

That's all there is to it.

So I think the best thing to do is

to find a guy who's got more money than you,

like in that movie, uh, Indecent Proposal.

You get a millionaire to bang her for a million bucks.

She takes the money and runs.

Would you sleep with her for a million dollars?

No way. It's too much money.

All right, next plan. Dee.

Yeah, no, I've got a great plan,

but, uh, I'm thinking that this isn't my problem, and, also,

you guys wouldn't listen to me no matter what I said.

Good point. Charlie, plan.

I got it. If I just get

the waitress pregnant, she's gonna be tied to me for life,

so, I got to do that.

He's already on to another thing.

All right, Christ, uh, I got to do something here.

Fine. Mac, we'll go with your plan. Yeah!

Yes! Yes. Mm.

Is the apartment ready? Yes. You are not

gonna believe what I did to it.

Surprise!

Huh. It looks, uh...

Exactly the same.

I was able to track down versions of our old furniture,

and even found replicas

of all the knickknacks that burned in the fire.

It's bizarre. Bizarre in a good way.

No. You don't like it?

No.

Hey, so, I don't mean to interrupt here, fellas,

but I'm a little bit confused.

You never told me you had a roommate.

It's time, Brian.

Here's where things get a little bit tricky.

Um... there's really no easy way to say this,

but, um, Mac and I aren't just friends.

He's actually my, uh... Lover.

Partner. Yes, well, we do make love.

We don't actually make love... He's the power bottom.

Now he generates a tremendous amount of power... Yeah. No, I...

...from the bottom. I don't. I don't, actually.

Don't sell yourself short. He does. No, no. It's not that I...

It's just that we don't have sex.

Yeah, I, uh... I sleep with women,

but I'm emotionally involved with Mac,

which is why...

and this is the hard part-- I...

I don't really... I don't have room emotionally

in my life for you.

Okay. Uh... Wow.

Well, I'm a little bit shocked here.

Sure. Mm. But

I guess the most important thing is

for Brian, Jr. to have a relationship with his father.

And you know, Mac, you seem like a real stand-up fella,

so, if you boys are open to it,

the only thing I can think of better

than Junior having one dad is, well, him having two.

Ee.

Yeah. No. Wow. I wasn't expecting that.

We're the type of guys that, um...

Who would love this.

Oh! (laughs)

(knocking)

Yeah. Coming.

Hey, come on in.

All right, Charlie, you got 15 minutes,

and it's a dollar a minute starting... now.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. No, we're not doing this. Uh-uh.

Uh, now hear me out. It's not about sex.

Okay, good. It's about having a baby.

And I'm gone. Uh, no, no, no, hang on. Hang on, one...

Just one second. Come on.

Look, I know you've always wanted a baby, right?

I see you. You poke around the preschools

and the playgrounds, and you got that longing look in your eye.

Oh, God, that's so creepy.

Well, look, I can tell you this.

It...

It's not gonna happen for you.

Excuse me? Yeah, you ain't gonna have a baby. Check this out.

Your life has been on a slow, but steady decline for years.

You were a coffee shop waitress, right?

On-again, off-again troubles with alcohol.

Living in a women's shelter.

And finally, all women's Achilles' heel-- time.

Okay. Are you done?

Because I feel like there's more. No.

I'm seeing, like, a whole... Yeah, this is... I'm getting to the good part.

Look. Frank will provide for us.

Right? He's got tons of money. Mm-hmm.

You're never gonna have to work

another day in your life. See? Zzz.

All the way to sitting on the beach in Rio de Janeiro.

Driving the lane to fame.

Okay, so...

the point is this, life with Charlie and a baby...

...looking pretty good.

Did you really think that this was gonna work?

Did you really think that... Well...

...you would just have me in here and you could just...

hurl insults at me.

Huh? I've tried everything for years with you.

(chuckles) And I just... at this point,

I just don't know what else to say.

Oh, my God!

Stop saying things to me.

Don't you understand that

this is never gonna happen, so let it go.

Look, w-why? You won't ever tell me why.

You just say no, and you won't give me a shot.

I don't understand what's so terrible about me.

What's so great about me, Charlie?

What's wrong with you?

Why are you so obsessed with me?

I mean, you said it yourself, I'm a mess.

So, why don't you just go find somebody better?

Well...

'cause there is no one better.

And...

I love you.

Yes.

Those jerks are finally gone.

Time to stretch out around here.

FRANK: Heyo.

What's the haps, Dee?

What are you doing, Frank?

Oh, Charlie's doing a thing

at the apartment tonight,

so I'm gonna crash here.

Okay? No, get a hotel.

You know what, do you mind if I take the bed?

Because I got a little pinched nerve in my neck.

It's driving me crazy.

Wh-- yeah, I mind.

I'm gonna go take a steam bath,

so why don't you whip me up a bowl of that popcorn.

That smells so good.

No. I'm not gonna do that. Thanks.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Frank! Stop!

Don't get all emotional, just do it.

I don't want this.

Okay.

They're asleep.

Dude, why did you say you wanted to raise the kid?

I just got caught up in the moment, you know?

It was so exciting.

Maybe we should do it.

W-we? We are not a couple, Mac.

Well, no, we would just keep pretending.

I am not gonna pretend to be in a relationship

with you for the entirety of my child's life.

Are you insane?

Lo-- okay, you know what? I can't handle this right now.

I'm gonna go sleep in your room.

You can sleep on the couch.

Oh, no... w-w-wait, Dennis.

Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.

Uh, hold on one second... I-I...

What is this?

This is the gym.

Uh-huh.

And where were you going to sleep?

Well, I figured since we got so used

to sleeping in the same bed at Dee's,

that we could just sort of

continue that here. Mm-hmm.

You want to sleep on the couch... (inhales)

...together.

I'm gonna sleep next to the dildo bike.

The Ass-pounder, uh, 4000, is an exercise... bike.

(door slams)

That was, um...

That was not as bad as I expected.

It was amazing.

It kind of was.

It kind of was amazing.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh. Hmm.

What is this? What are you doing there?

This? Oh, this just Yeah.

improves the chances of conception.

Of what?

Of getting pregnant.

Oh. Right.

Uh, the baby.

Right.

Hey, you know, speaking of which, um,

I think we're gonna need

to make some changes around here.

Oh.

Like what?

Um, well, I think you need to repaint, for starters.

Wh-why would I do that?

Charlie, this... this paint could be full of lead.

Are you serious?

I can't carry a baby around lead paint.

Or... or, oh, I'm sorry.

Did you expect me to live in the women's shelter

while I'm carrying your child?

Oh, no, um...

I hadn't thought about it, but you can stay here.

I mean, that's fine. Okay.

Oh, wow. Oh, thank you so much.

When this baby comes out, though,

Frank's gonna need to find us a nicer place to live.

Oh, but I love this place.

Okay, well, I don't, and it's no place

to raise a child, so end of conversation.

Whoa.

Hey. Hang on.

You're kind of coming on strong right now.

Are you serious right now? Well, look...

I'm carrying your child.

N-n-n-n-n-n-no. Carrying my...

I am not finished talking.

Who's idea was this in the first place?

Look, I'm just saying if you want to be a mom,

you're gonna have to learn how to control your emotions.

(laughing): I need to control my emotions?

Or I'm not gonna be a good mother?

Oh, my God!

(snoring)

(door opens) CHARLIE: Dee!

I'm in trouble here. What? What are you doing here?

The waitress is totally, like, moving into my apartment.

I-I-I can't take it.

I'm gonna need to hide out here for a few days.

No. No. Hard no. Get out.

It's like, I didn't think about the whole, like,

having a baby thing, you know?

It's like one thing to trap a person with a baby,

but then when you actually have a baby,

then you become trapped.

What baby thing? What are you talking about?

And plus, it's totally turning her

into, like, a different person.

She's, like, acting like a real bitch now.

She's always been a bitch. Now who's being a bitch, Dee?

Come on, I need help here, all right?

Look, I-I got to sleep, okay?

I can't think straight.

I... ah, Christ-- is he snoring? Yeah.

Snoring's the worst. I'm gonna need to crash

next to you, all right? You know what? What?

Don't be a whore tonight, Dee, and try and bang me again, okay?

Because I got nothing left.

I'm spent; I'm really exhausted.

Too much sex and too much... stuff.

Just don't be a whore, okay?

(snoring) (whines)

Dee! Egg! Where is it? Where is it? There's no eggs here.

Where are your eggs? Dee, where are your eggs?

CHARLIE: Dee, eggs!

Dee, we're looking for your eggs. We can't find them! Where are your eggs?

Come on, leave me alone.

Just let me sleep; I barely slept last night.

FRANK: Dee. Deandra.

Look, don't be so emotional.

You're being very emotional.

FRANK: Get up and get us an egg.

I'm getting like calls up the wazoo from the waitress.

She's asking for, like, groceries and shit.

I mean, who does that? No.

Who-who just barges into someone's apartment

and takes over? Nobody.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

That's exactly what you guys are doing!

Uh, Dee, eggs, okay? I'm freaking out.

What is happening here?

I just got rid of two annoying roommates.

This is not supposed to be happening.

(phone rings) God! She's calling me again!

It's like she's totally stalking me.

Dee, what do I do here? (phone rings)

You have been stalking that woman for 15 years.

Now she's finally showing you some attention,

and you don't like it?

Oh, Dee, you know what? Eggs.

I didn't ask for your opinion. (door opens)

Yes, you did!

Hey, oh, good, Dee.

I need you to watch Brian Jr. for a few hours.

N-n-n-n-n-no. Y-y-y-y-yeah.

Frank, what the hell are you doing here, man?

You're supposed to be finding my millionaire.

I'm on it. I'm here trying

to get her to make us breakfast.

Yeah, we haven't got any eggs. I need an egg.

DENNIS: Dee, why have you not made this man his egg?

Do you want to take care of this child for the rest

of your life, is that what you want?

Or do you want me to get out of this situation that I'm in?

(yelling): I'm gonna smash it!

Oh, Dee, don't get emotional.

Christ, if you're upset,

smash an egg into a pan for Frank.

Solve problems, don't cause them.

Oh, gee whiz, look how fancy this place is.

We don't have anything like this back in North Dakota.

Oh, yeah? Fascinating.

Um, so, Mandy, um, we have brought you here,

uh, to meet a gentleman.

Um, I just feel really Oh.

badly now being able to provide emotionally for you,

so I thought we could set you up with somebody

who can provide for you both emotionally

and financially.

Um, so we are here to meet a millionaire.

Oh, geez.

I don't know.

Yeah. No, I know.

It's, a, it's a little str... Oh, oh...

Hey. Let's do this.

Oh. (groans)

Uh, Frank, where's the, uh, millionaire?

I am the millionaire, I'm the guy.

What? Mandy,

here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna make you a decent proposal.

Not an indecent proposal like in the movie--

because I think to pay a million bucks to get laid...

that's out of the question.

I'm gonna offer you $5,000.

What are you doing, Frank? Look,

I'm gonna give you $5,000, we bang,

you take the money, you go up, you get on a plane,

you fly to wherever the hell it is in the sticks,

and, uh, you know, $5,000 goes a long way up there.

If you need more money, call me up,

come back, we bang again.

Price goes down 'cause I already had you.

But if you want to bring a girlfriend...

(exhales sharply) price goes back up.

Well, I don't know what to say here. MAC: I do.

Five grand is a lot of money-- is that offer just out on the table?

I'm not gonna bang you. I don't want to bang you, either, Frank,

but I'll power through for five grand. Well, no, you wouldn't want to,

because you're emotionally involved with me.

Aw. Shit. Sorry, Dennis.

Hey. Dennis? Brian,

I meant. I'm sorry.

Yeah, sometimes... Brian is his name.

Dennis is his sex slave name.

He's my gimp. What? No. I...

I don't have a sex slave name. Wait.

I'm not... Wait, hold on,

what's going on here, Brian?

FRANK: Look,

I'm gonna go to the can and make my morning move.

You want the cash, you come on in, earn it the hard way.

Okay? If the broad comes,

order me an egg.

(sighs)

Well, that was a disaster. Frank almost ruined everything.

Okay, do you want me to go down to the car and talk to her?

And spin more perverted tales about me? Why am I a gimp?

Oh, God, just get your kid and get out of here, Dennis. Yeah, I'll get the kid,

but I got to come back because I need to crash here tonight.

I'm not sleeping next to Mac's dildo bike again. What?

No, me too. Your bed is working wonders for my pinched nerve.

Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna crash here for a little bit too.

I feel like I got to ghost the waitress for a while on this.

I'm gonna stay as well because I need to sleep next to Dennis.

All right, then we're gonna need a lot of eggs.

Dee, how about a carton of eggs? Ooh!

(all clamoring)

No, goddamnit, I didn't want to be wrapped up in this! (clamoring stops)

I didn't want to be wrapped up in the kid thing,

that's your mistake.

Listen to me,

I can figure this out, I've got a new plan

and you're all gonna goddamn listen up, okay?

It's time for Brian LeFevre to die.

(whispers): Over here. Over here. Hmm?

Go, go, go, go, go, go. What-- where-- what is-what is going on here?

I thought-I thought we were gonna go see the Liberty Bell.

There's no time for that, there's no time.

What-- what is going on here, Brian?

All right, listen to me, because we only have a few minutes

before they realize they can't hear or see us back here. What? Who?

My name... my name isn't Brian LeFevre.

My real name...

is Dane Brass.

And I hold top secret government information.

Okay? They're after me, that's-that's why everything's been so weird.

That's why I haven't been able to speak openly with you.

And you and Brian Jr., you'll have to get away from me

because it's-it's not safe.

What do you mean it's not safe? I don't-- (gasps) Oh, my God.

You're bleeding! Oh...

Oh, oh. (groans) I've been shot.

Well, I didn't hear any gun... (gunshot)

(gasps) Oh, well...

yeah, not there it is there. That was the sound of it.

Normally you'd... you'd hear it before you see the blood,

but, uh, not in this case.

(groans) Run! (yells)

Oh, it's killing me. Run, Mandy, no.

You... you have to run and not ever look back.

Or contact me ever again.

And you'll never get any money or assets from me

because if you do, it'll be unsafe for you.

Run! (tires screech)

(moans)

Oh, my God!

They got Dennis. Dane.

Uh, Dane, of course, Dane. Dane.

Yeah, he had so many identities, it's hard to remember...

FRANK: We got to get him to a hospital!

Not a regular hospital, though, 'cause technically,

he's not supposed to exist. A bad guy one.

Oh, no, I've lost my lover.

I'll need a new gimp!

DENNIS: I'm not his lover.

Never had sex. Not a gimp.

(groans) Oh, run, Mandy. Oh.

Good-bye. Uh... good-bye, Mandy, good-bye.

Brian Jr.

ALL: Aw.

Well, there it is.

Well...

okay.

Are you all finished?

(scoffs) Come on.

You can open your eyes now, I know you're not dead.

Ah, geez.

You big city folks sure like to complicate things, don't ya?

Look, all I wanted was for Brian Jr.

to have a father,

but we don't want to be with a man

who doesn't want to be with us.

So, I guess we'll just...

be getting back to North Dakota now.

Okay, now,

you want to come on up here and say good-bye to Brian Jr.?

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey. Yeah.

Hey, buddy.

Um...

good-bye and, um...

you know, you be...

you be good to your mom and, uh...

(soft chuckle)

Okay, you all done?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay. Okay.

Here we go.

Bye, Dada.

Bye.

(sighs) Well, all right.

It was sure nice getting to know you all.

(chuckles) Whoever the heck you are.

("Genius of Love" by Tom Tom Club plays)

♪ What you gonna do when you get out of jail? ♪

♪ I'm gonna have some fun

♪ What do you consider fun?

♪ Fun, natural fun.

I can't do this.

What are you talking about, bud? The plan worked.

No, this-- no, this-this is crazy.

What are we doing? I can't-- I-I can't...

I can't do any of this shit anymore. FRANK: What?

(music stops) What's going on?

Okay, I'm... I'm leaving.

I'm gonna go be a dad.

Well, hold on a-hold on a second, you can't just leave.

FRANK: Yeah, you can't just go become a dad, Dennis.

That's not the way it works.

You don't know the first thing about it.

Well, you know what, Frank, I'll figure it out, okay?

Because I don't want my kid to grow up like I did.

With some asshole dad who was never even around.

You talking about me or Bruce?

You!

Okay, you know what? I-- this is nuts.

I got to... I just got to go.

It's done. It's done, guys.

Good-bye, Paddy's Pub.

Good-bye, Philadelphia.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Mac, Dee, Frank.

The bar's done.

CHARLIE: Well, hang on a second. Actually,

it's not done. We're still in here. It's not done, no.

Shh, just let me...

Don't start talking, I can tell... (all talking over each other)

We weren't gonna say anything. The pause is too big.

Well, this is, again, this is why I'm leaving.

(clamoring)

Oh, good-bye.

MAC: Good-bye. DEE: Good-bye.

Hmm. Bye. Hmm.

I can't believe he's actually gone.

Yeah. That's crazy.

Well, now what?

(car alarms blaring)

(cheering and clamoring)

What a shot, man!

Oh, my God!

Whoa! (Mac laughs)

("Genius of Love" by Tom Tom Club plays)

♪ What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

♪ I'm gonna have some fun

♪ What do you consider fun?

♪ Fun, natural fun.

(trio chanting backwards)