Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Got you.

Got who?

Them names.

What names?

Doris here?

Yes.

Come on inside, mr. Ziffel.

Where is she?

In the kitchen.

Hello, mrs. Douglas.

Oh. Hello, mr. Ziffel.

Hi, fred. Hi.

Hello, arnold.

I said hello, arnold.

Arnold!

Fred, you know he pays no attention To anybody when he's watching t.V.

T.V., that ain't a T.V., that's a dryer.

Now what'd you have to Tell him it was a dryer for?

Yes, he liked the program.

I got your note saying You was over here.

You know your handwriting's Gettin' worse all the time.

I could hardly read that.

Well, I didn't Write it. Arnold did.

How could a pig write...

Doris,

I thought I told you not to Do your laundry over here.

Oh, it's all right, Mr. Ziffel. We don't mind.

Wouldn't have to come Over here and do my wash

If you'd buy me a Washing machine.

Now what do you need A washing machine for?

Didn't I move a new rock Down by the creek for you?

How could arnold possibly...

Come on, doris. Let's Get this stuff outta here.

Fred!

It ain't nice for mr. Douglas To see my lingerie.

Oh, that's all Right. I've seen...

How could arnold Possibly write...

I got him a ballpoint Pen for his birthday.

Oh, that's impossible.

Mrs. Douglas doesn't have to Pound her clothes on a rock.

Even with a ballpoint pen A pig couldn't possibly...

Come on, arnold. Come on, doris.

Oh.

Thanks a lot, mrs. Douglas.

Thanks so much.

Bye, mr. Douglas.

They must think I'm Some kind of a nut.

Trying to get me to believe that Arnold could possibly write a note like...

Well, it's his handwriting.

Oh, come on.

Mr. Douglas, could You come out here

And help me carry This in the house?

Just a minute!

You take the front end And I'll take the back.

Where did this come from?

Mr. Haney delivered it.

He said you ordered it.

I did not order it.

He left a copy of the order With your signature on it.

That's not my signa...

That's not even my handwriting.

In fact, it looks more like...

No, he couldn't!

That's very pretty. Whose picture is that?

That's not a picture.

Well, it looks like someone.

It's just another one of Mr. Haney's pieces of junk.

Well, then why did you buy it?

I didn't buy it. And It's going back.

Don't you even want To see what it does?

What it does?

Watch.

Oh, it's a cigarette lighter.

No, ma'am, it's a Barbecue starter.

If that isn't the Most ridiculous...

Mr. Haney said her Stomach is wired for t.V.

All you have to do Is put in a screen.

Where does mr. Haney Get these stupid ideas?

I think his mother knits them.

I don't care if his Mother does knit...

Well, it's going back.

Mr. Douglas, would You mind repeating that?

Yes, I'm returning this.

Oh, it's the wrong color.

No, it's...

I got the same thing in Pink you might like better.

No, I don't...

Of course, uh, you can't Start barbecues with it

But the head lights up,

And you can use It as a porch light.

I wouldn't want it if it Played yankee doodle!

I got that in yellow.

I don't want it in any color.

Well, fortunately This art object

Comes with a 10 day Exchange privilege.

So if you'll just pick out Anything else you want...

I don't want anything.

Ok, mr. Douglas.

Let's just forget The whole thing.

Thank you.

Ok, that'll be $3.

$3? For what?

Well, $1.50 for Delivering the statue

And $1.50 for an hour's rental.

Mr. Haney, you delivered This monstrosity

Without any Authorization from me.

You signed the order.

That was not my signature.

That wasn't your signa...

No!

Well, it must have been the Other oliver wendell douglas.

What other oliver Wendell douglas?

The one that writes like arnold.

Mr. Haney, I'm warning you.

I'm about fed up with your Tricky merchandising methods.

You're gonna go too Far one of these days

And I'm gonna help nail you.

Care to buy a hammer?

Well, oliver, here It is, a week later.

A week later than what?

Than when mrs. Ziffel came Over here to do her washing.

I know it's a week later.

You don't have to march In here and announce that.

Well, that's how they Always do it in the movies.

It's either somebody comes In carrying a sign which says:

Here it is, a week later.

Or a calendar falls Apart for a week

Or somebody comes out and says:

"That week sure went by fast."

Yeah, they do a lot of Clever things in the movies.

They do another Thing in the movies

Where the screen kind of swims.

Yes, I've seen it.

Now, that shows That you're dreaming.

I wish I were.

But in this kind of situation they Only do the one-week-later thing.

Would you mind telling me What you're talking about?

Well, I would love to But I haven't got time.

Would you mind Taking off your shirt?

What for?

I promised a friend to Fill up a laundry bag.

Lisa, I don't have...

Mrs. Ziffel finally got Her laundry machine.

I'm taking over all the washing And we're going to have a wash out.

Oh, she finally talked fred Into buying her one, huh?

Well, it wasn't so much the Talking, it was the nagging that did it.

Yeah, I know what that's like.

He didn't get much Sleep that night.

Mrs. Ziffel dragged up A rock from the creek

And pounded the Clothes on it all night.

Yeah, I can see how that Might make a man crack.

It didn't do any good For the rock either.

Yeah.

Would you like to take me over There and see the washing machine?

No, I've already seen A washing machine.

Not like this one.

Mr. Haney said it was The only one of its kind.

Mr. Haney?

They bought a washing Machine from mr. Haney?

Fred, I never heard Of a grabwell.

Of course you didn't. It's an imported machine.

Haney says it's made in sweden.

Oh? How do you work it?

Well, the instructions say:

"Honorable sir or madam"

Them swedes sure Are polite, ain't they?

Yeah.

"You are now proud owner

"Of grabwell washing machinery.

"Banzai!"

"Bonsai"? What does that mean?

Haney says it's kind Of a swedish blessing.

Ah.

"To operate

Connect water hose to Faucet." will you do that?

Sure.

Fred, you said you were going To buy me a new washing machine.

Oh, honey, this is much Better than a new one.

Haney had it all reconditioned.

Includin' the instructions.

Well, the hose is Connected. What's next?

Now, let's see.

Says, "Install washing unit."

Which is the washing unit?

I guess it must be that. That's The only thing we got left.

How do you install it?

"Clamp unit to inside rim

Of washing drum."

Go ahead and clamp it on.

And I'll plug in the water pump.

Why don't you lift this thing

And let... Let me plug in?

Do you know anything About electricity?

No!

Then clamp it on.

Sorry, arnold, I Need this outlet.

Oh, you seen that Picture 3 times.

Well, it's clamped on. Now what?

Throw the washing in and I'll start the water pump.

All right.

"Throw switch

And turn red valve."

Ah.

Fillin' up nice, ain't it?

Now what do we do?

"Set speed control lever On washing unit forward

"And pull cord sharply.

"Under no circumstances Reverse engine

While boat is approaching pier."

What does that mean?

I don't know. Probably Some swedish superstition.

Pull the cord.

Come on, fred.

Abandon ship!

You and your great big grabwell.

Don't cry. Arnold.

You can watch Television in our house.

Look at our beautiful home.

Don't you cry, honey.

Haney'll pay for This. Where's my gun?

Mr. Ziffel, violence Is no answer.

Stand aside.

You can't take the law Into your own hands.

If you've got a grievance, Take it into the courts.

This country was founded on A principle of justice for all.

The very backbone of our Democracy depends on the courts

Where wrongs can be righted.

And when I get haney. I'm coming back after you.

Oh, fred. Calm down. Mr. Douglas is right.

Take haney to court.

I'll be glad to take the case.

No, thank you.

You look like a loser to me.

Why, mr. Douglas is A very good lawyer.

Do you think you can win it?

Yes, I do! I think we can make Haney pay through the nose.

Well, if you can do That, mr. Douglas,

You have got a client.

I don't care how Much you charge me

Just as long as you get haney.

It'll be a pleasure.

While I know your attorneys Have informed you of the fact

I'd like to make it clear

That you are entitled to A jury trial if you so wish.

I don't want no jury Trial, your honor.

Me, neither.

I'm perfectly willing to Leave the decision up to you.

Because I know you're Fair and impartial

And whichever way you Decide is all right with me.

Thank you.

Thank you, cousin leroy.

Cousin leroy?

On my mother's side.

Uh, your honor,

With all due respect to The integrity of the bench

May I ask you to Disqualify yourself.

Granted.

And to set your mind At rest, mr. Douglas,

I am in no way related To the defendant.

Thank you, your honor.

Ready for the Plaintiff, mr. Douglas?

Ready, your honor.

Ready for the Defense, mr. Jefferson?

I'm ready, aunt tillie.

Aunt tillie?

And I can assure Everyone concerned

That I am not in any way Related to anyone in this case.

And I'm here to testify that What my dad just said is the truth.

Order.

Ready for the plaintiff?

Uh, yes, your honor.

Ready for the defense?

Ready.

You may make your Opening statements.

Uh, your honor, uh, We intend to show...

What did you say, counselor?

I said, your honor, we intend...

Sounded like "Oink."

I didn't "Oink," your honor,

That was arnold.

Will the bailiff please Remove that pig?

Your honor!

Arnold has a lot To do with this case.

It was his television Set that was smashed up

By the washing machine,

And now he can't Watch television.

He can't watch tele...

Madam, who are you?

I am mrs. Plaintiff's lawyer.

Lisa!

Order!

Counselor, will you please Make your opening statement.

Uh, yes, sir, your honor.

We are suing mr. Haney because He sold my clients, the ziffels,

A defective washing machine.

For years now, mr. Haney has Victimized the people of this valley.

This is not an insulated Isodent. This is not the...

I mean an ice... Inc... Ison...

This is not an in...

For many years the Poople of heeterville have...

The peep pit of the Hootle... The people...

"And in his opening Remarks to the court

"Lawyer douglas stated

That this was not An insulated isodent."

What's an insulated isodent?

I don't know. It's Probably lawyer latin.

Oh.

I... I like this thing Here that he says about

The poople of Heeterville valley.

Whoever they are.

Well, that's us. Mr. Douglas just got excited.

Oh.

You think mr. Douglas Is going to win?

If he does. I'm going to Get him to sue haney for me.

What did you buy from him?

That automatic coffee grinder.

Does it work?

No. It just chases Me around the store.

Well, at least it moves.

Which is more than I can say for That sports car haney sold me.

What sports car?

That one.

Having listened to both sides

The court finds For the plaintiff.

Mr. Frederick l. Ziffel.

And awards him damages In the amount of $250.

Court adjourned.

Fine work, mr. Douglas.

We're going to appeal This case, douglas.

That's your Privilege, counselor.

No, we ain't going to appeal. Mr. Douglas won fair and square.

And if the judge Says that I owe fred

$150 then I'll pay it.

$250.

$250, is that correct?

You know darned well it is.

I was asking my attorney.

That's what the judge said.

Well, if the judge Said $200 then I'll...

$250.

Well, you'll have to Give me a little time

To liquefy some of my assets.

Just don't take too long.

Congratulations, mr. Douglas.

Well, thank you, mrs. Ziffel.

Oh, thank you, ar... I mean...

Well, so long.

Just a minute, fred ziffel.

What about mr. Douglas' fee?

Fee? For what?

For his lawyer work.

If it hadn't been for him

We'd have had to pay for All the damage ourselves.

Is there a charge?

Of course there's a charge.

Say, whose side are you on?

How much do we Owe you, mr. Douglas?

Well...

In the city he Used to get $5,000.

We're not in new york. We want to Know how much you charge in hooterville.

Oh, $25.

$25? For what?

Fred.

When you asked Mr. Douglas to take this case

You told him you'd Pay him anything.

Well, that was before I Know'd he was gonna win.

If you think I'm Not entitled, I...

Oh, yes, of course you are.

Now let's see what I owe you.

Now for this trial you put On a clean shirt this morning.

Well, yes, I...

Well, that's 40 Cents for laundry

And you didn't have that Suit pressed, did you?

I certainly did.

Well, I could argue With you there

But we'll let it go. That's 75 cents for the suit,

And the shine is 15 cents,

Plus gas and the french dip Sandwich you had for lunch.

I'd say $4 ought to Cover the whole thing.

Mr. Ziffel,

A lawyer's fee is not based Upon his out-of-pocket expenses.

It's based on his years of training, His knowledge, his experience.

I ain't gonna quarrel With you there.

I'll give you $5.50.

Fred, mr. Douglas asked for $25.

And that's what we Are gonna pay him.

Good morning, mr. Douglas.

Just come by to pay the $250

As ordered by the judge.

You owe that Money to mr. Ziffel.

Just wanna keep it legal.

Now, if you'll just Sign this receipt.

Uh, wait a minute, Where's the $250?

Oh! Right there.

You're gonna palm off that pile Of junk in payment of the judgment?

Junk?

Each and every piece of That magnificent merchandise

Is an antique, or an Heirloom, or both.

Mr. Haney,

That pile of junk Isn't worth $8.

To the unappraiseable eye, yes.

I had each and every one Of these objects de art

Evaluated by an Inumpeachable source.

County tax assessor.

Or as we sometimes Call him, cousin joe.

Cousin j...

On my father's side.

Now if you will just Total up these tags

You'll find that the entire lot

Comes to $253.

I threw in this $3 T.V. Enlargin' bubble

To take care of the sales tax.

Now if you'll just sign here.

Mr. Haney,

I'm not going to sign anything On behalf of my client.

And I'm not going to accept this

Pile of debris

In payment of his Judgment against you.

Now, either you Come up with the cash

Or I'm going to take You back into court

And take whatever Steps are necessary

To satisfy his Judgment against you.

That sure is a good Picture of you, mr. Douglas.

Yes. Yeah, well. It's...

You goin' to haney's auction?

No, I don't think so.

You think he'll raise $250

For all that stuff He's got at the house?

I don't think he'd get $250 If he threw in the house.

Well, that's his problem.

Either he raises the money or I take him right back into court

And I'll keep hounding Him until he pays up.

Mr. Douglas,

We want you to know how much We appreciate what you've done.

Standing up to haney for fred.

As I said in court, this is Not an isolated incident.

That ain't what You said in court.

You said, "An Interstate incompetent."

What he said was An insulated isodent.

Well, what I meant...

When I get angry...

Well, whatever you Said we want you to know

That the poople of Heeterville valley are grateful.

Yeah, well, uh...

Uh, I want you to know now That I am tired of haney's methods

From now on he'll Know he can't woodhink...

I mean, he can't hinkwood.

He can't woodwink.

Well, he'd better not try it.

Well, mr. Douglas, I've been waitin' for you.

I come over as soon As I finished the auction.

Need more time to Raise the money, huh?

Oh, no, I managed to Scrape up enough to pay you.

Let's see now, how Much do I owe you?

Oh, yeah, $150.

$250.

Oh, that sounds right.

You take $100 bills?

$100...

And there's a 50.

Where did you get the money?

From my auction.

I took in nearly $800.

8...

I got $300

For one item alone.

A historic old Grandfather's clock.

That was once owned By lester henderson.

Who, as you know, was one of Abe lincoln's closest neighbors.

Oh, boy!

I'd like to see the Idiot that paid you

$300 for a phony clock.

Be sure to give my Regards to mrs. Douglas.

Lisa!

Hey, haney, come back here!

Lis...

Haney, come back here.

Oliver, look what I bought.

Lisa.

Isn't it beautiful?

It's an antique. It belonged To larry anderson.

Uh, lester henderson.

Well, anyway, he was george Washington's neighbor.

Uh, lincoln!

Well, wherever he lived. It was a bargain for $300.

Lisa, how could you Let haney woodhick you...

Or hickwood you...

It's going back!

Oliver!

Oh!

Darling.

Get it off me!

Oh, my arm!

Oh, what's the Matter with your arm?

Get eb and tell him to get This thing back to haney.

But, darling...

Get it out of here!

Oliver!

Did you take the Clock back? Yes.

How is your arm?

Hurts.

Good.

What?

I got you something To make it well.

Did you get your money back?

Uh, not exactly.

What does that mean?

It means that I didn't Get it back exactly.

I traded the clock for Something to make your arm well.

I don't need...

Eb!

What the...

It's filled with hot water.

All you got to do is stick You arm in the medicinal tub

And I'll turn on the agitator.

Eb, don't you dare turn on... No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey.

Turn it off!

Turn that silly thing Off, that's not a toy!

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.