Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

It will work. Oh, no, it won't.

It will. Hank ought to know.

Yes, we've had... Hold it!

Ain't nobody gonna pay no Attention to what's goin' on

As long as they got Their names up there.

They finished?

Yeah.

Ok. Well, what were You sayin', hank?

I was saying it will not work.

You were saying it will work.

When did I say that?

Well, just before the names.

Oh. Well, if that's what I said,

I'll stick with it.

Well, do whatever You want to with it,

But I still say the whole idea

Ain't worth the powder It'd take to blow it to...

Morning. Mornin', mr. Douglas.

Good morning. To Blow it to what?

To blow it to... Hi, mr. Douglas.

Hi.

Why don't we ask mr. Douglas?

Why?

Well, he went to college.

That don't mean nothin'. A lot Of dummies come out of college,

Don't they, mr. Douglas?

Well, I suppose there are...

Even if mr. Douglas Is a dummy, he'd know,

Wouldn't you, mr. Douglas?

I don't know what You're talking about.

That's never kept you From answerin' before.

Fred.

I was telling fred that, uh,

In a few years, it's very likely that All farming will be run that way.

Don't you agree?

Agree to what?

You see? And he's one of those Dummies that went to college.

Mr. Douglas, uh, do you know What this argument's about?

I haven't the faintest idea.

It's about computers.

You know what they are?

Of course he does. The dummy Went to college, didn't he?

Now, mr. Ziffel, I'm Getting a little tired of...

You see, according To the department,

In a few years, all farming Will be done by computers.

Yes, I've read about that.

About what?

About farming being Done by computers.

That's just what I was Saying to mr. Douglas.

Oh. You're mr. Douglas.

Well, anyway,

In the future, all farmers will not Have to depend upon people like myself

To get information About farming.

I will be replaced By a computer.

I'll drink to that.

No longer will you come to Me and ask: "What shall I plant?"

You'll go to a Computer and ask him.

Well, it's not a "Him," it's...

It's not a "Her" either.

Well, it could be.

Well, I guess a machine doesn't care What it is as long as it's well oiled.

I wish I were.

Mr. Douglas, I ask you,

Do you believe it's possible For one of them computers

To tell us farmers What to plant?

Yes, it is.

Well, if you believe that,

You're a bigger Fruitcake than he is.

Mr. Ziffel...

You're sufferin' From shriveled raisins.

There is nothing Wrong with my raisins.

I'll drink to that.

The day is coming when The farmer will depend

On the computer for all sorts Of answers to his farm questions.

Well, I don't need no Computer to tell me what to do.

I've got doris.

She, too, can be Replaced by a computer.

Well, I'll drink to that.

But not to the rest of it.

So fred ziffel and mr. Kimball

Got into this big Argument about computers.

What's that?

Computers, electronic brains.

Oh, like the kids Ask santy claus

For christmas?

What?

You know, the choo-choo With the tracks.

Oh, no, no, you're thinking Of an electronic train.

Uh, I mean, an electric brain.

Uh, train... Brain...

A computer.

See what I mean?

No, I don't see what you mean?

What about?

A-a-about, uh...

What were we talking about?

I don't know.

Computers, they're Great big machines

That give you information On any subject that you...

Where did that come from?

You stupid...

Oh, poor darling.

Well, don't blame me,

You've been asking for it.

I didn't know you were in there.

You got my nail in your head?

Here it is.

Oh, thanks.

You can stop looking.

We fixed the door.

Yeah, it doesn't come Off the track anymore.

I'll believe that when I see it.

You ready for the test, alf?

Ready.

10, 9, 8, 7...

You don't have to count down,

You're not sending up a rocket.

Now you made us Forget where we were.

7.

Thank you.

7, 6, 5, 4,

3, 2, 1, blastoff.

How's that?

Wonderful. It didn't Come off the track.

How could it? The Whole closet moved.

You don't like it that way?

No, I don't.

I guess there's just no Pleasing some people.

Come on, let's move it back.

I'll explain it to You once more.

A computer is like a brain,

Except that it works Electronically.

You mean not the Way my brain works.

No, I don't think There's anything

That works quite like that.

Thank you.

Uh, now, a computer can solve

Complicated Equations in seconds.

Excuse us.

We're not interrupting A summit meeting, are we?

No.

Closet door is working.

Good.

Yeah, it falls off Just like it used to.

What good is that?

Well, you didn't want The closet to move.

No, I didn't.

Well, you can't have both.

Look, all I want is a closet

That doesn't move and a Door that doesn't fall off

When you open it.

That's all, he says.

Mr. Douglas,

When I was in the Closet working,

Just before I bopped You with the hammer,

You were talking About computers.

Well, what about them?

Do they really work?

Of course.

Would you lend me $18?

What has that got to do with it?

Lend it to her.

I'm not gonna lend her anything.

Well, then I can't get married.

Is that what you want The $18 for, a big wedding?

No, it's to find a husband.

In my experience There are very few

Good $18 husbands.

Mr. Douglas was a $600 job.

What do you mean, I was a $6...

That's how much the dress Cost that I hooked you with.

You paid $600 for...

Well, there was nothing To it. It was just a little...

Oh.

I don't want the Money for a dress.

$18 is what they charge For cupid's computer.

Cupid's computer?

What is that?

It's kind of a lonely hearts Club with transistors.

Oh, you mean one of those places

Where they use a Computer to find you a mate.

Their motto is, "We're Programmed for love."

Well, who isn't?

But how do they do it?

Well, you see, they give you This card and you punch out

All the things you know about Yourself, like your height,

Your weight, your age, Your likes, your dislikes,

What you're Looking for in a man,

And then they put it in the computer With cards of the opposite sex.

Then what happens?

Well, they put all your Information in the computer

And then when a boy's Card matches a girl's card,

They get married.

Well, that's all Right for the cards,

But what about the people?

That's what I meant. "They" get married.

Just from the cards?

You... You don't have To drop a handkerchief

Or use special Perfume or anything?

No.

Well, that isn't Very romantical.

Lisa, the idea is To use a computer

To bring 2 compatible People together.

Sure. And all I need for my Half of the compatible is $18.

You got it.

Here's $20.

Use the other $2 to Buy a marriage license.

Mr. Douglas, you're a dreamboat.

Alf, the cheapskate Lent me the money!

Oh, the...

Oliver, I am surprised at you.

You should have never Given her the money.

That's no way to Catch a husband.

Lisa, I did her a favor.

How else is a girl like That gonna get a husband,

Unless he comes Out of a machine?

But before there were machines, There were man and women,

And it worked pretty good Without punching holes.

Lisa.

There's nothing wrong With finding a husband or wife

With a computer. It's All done scientifically.

Love isn't scientifical.

Well, maybe it should be.

Then all a fellow would Have to do is find some girl

Whose card matched his own And they could get married.

Wouldn't have to go Through that nonsense.

What nonsense?

Oh, you know,

Bringing her flowers, Getting his shoes shined,

Shaving every time They had a date.

Lying to her father about How much money he made.

Did you lie to my Father about that?

How could I? He had A c.P.A. Audit my books.

My father believed in the Old-fashioned courtship,

Is all the little things That made a girl happy.

Like, checking up the Fellow's bank balance,

And sending out The engagement ring

To be appraised.

Did he do that with That ring I gave you?

Yes, you just passed by $3.

$3?

And that was a close Shave you had there, rodney.

The black 10 on the red jack.

Thank you.

Lisa, you...

What are you doing?

He's playing solitaire.

I know what he's doing.

Why did you ask?

Why aren't you Working? Ralph left.

Where'd she go?

Where would you Go if you had $18?

I didn't think she'd go today.

What do you expect from A love-sick carpenter?

Well, I...

That machine better Work out for her.

If she punches in With some creep,

You're going to have To answer to mom.

It will work. Why won't it work?

Nothing's more Accurate than a computer.

Banks use them, Industries uses them,

They even send up Rockets with them.

Yeah, but finding a husband for Ralph isn't as easy as any of those.

Oliver, it's not going to work.

It will work.

Would you like to Make a small bet?

If you and I went through The same computer together,

We wouldn't come out together.

Would you like to test that?

Yes, I would.

All right.

Here is my $9, where is yours?

Ah, all right, here we are.

Oh, darling, let's not go In. The whole thing is silly.

It's not silly. Now if I make My point, you can't back out.

Ooh!

Oh, darling.

You got some kind Of thing about doors?

Look, ralph... No names, Please, I'm number 924.

Where's your husband?

He hasn't come out Of the computer yet.

They have to wait till they Find a card that matches mine.

Well, while you're waiting,

Would you mind going home And finishing our bedroom?

Just because I'm into you for $20 doesn't mean I'm your slave.

Yes, may I help you?

Uh, we would like to be punched.

Punched?

Well, you know, with the cards.

Oh. Well, mr. Blisswell will Be with you in a few moments.

Uh, while you're waiting,

Why don't you look at some of The pictures of the happy couples

Who were brought Together by cupid's computer?

Thank you.

Ah. Well, is that Your mother there

With the bullfighter?

No. That is not my mother.

Did you want to see me?

Oh. Are you the gentleman With the computer?

Yes, I'm mr. Blisswell.

I'm oliver douglas.

How do you do? I'm lisa douglas.

I'm pleased to Meet you. Thank you.

Won't you come in?

Uh, please sit there, Young lady. Thank you.

And your father Can sit over there.

I am not her father, I'm her husband.

I'm afraid, I don't understand.

This is a service For single people.

I'll try to explain it to you.

My wife doesn't Think it's possible

For a computer to bring 2 People together, and I do.

Mrs. Douglas, did you notice the Young lady at the desk when you came in?

Yes, uh, but my husband Noticed her more.

Well, she happens To be mrs. Blisswell.

Oh, she's your wife?

Yes, we were brought Together by a computer.

Well, I don't believe that you can Find love through electric trains.

Brains. Electronic brai... Well, electronic bra...

Electronic train...

Well, whatever they Are, we are here to test it.

I see.

You're from the Police department?

No.

Better business bureau?

No.

Well, it doesn't Make any difference.

We're running a highly Legitimate enterprise here.

And through the Wonders of science,

We've brought together Thousands of happy couples.

Couples who otherwise Would have gone out in life...

Uh, you don't have to Give us the sales talk.

We're already married.

Uh, all I want to do is run Through the computer with my wife

To show her that we'll Come out together.

Now, uh, what do we do first?

You give me $36.

I thought it was $18.

There are 2 of you.

Yes, but we're already married.

Wouldn't we get a Pre-marital discount?

I mean, a... A... A Discount for being pre...

I'll write you a check.

Very well. Now, will each of You fill out one of these forms?

They give us the information We need for the computer.

We call them "Cupid's poop sheet."

What is a poop?

A poop is...

Facts about yourself,

Name, age,

Habits, likes, Dislikes, education...

Oh, could you Back up to the age?

Do I have to put that down?

Put down whatever You think is fair.

And the computer is Programmed to compensate for it.

Oh. Mmm.

Now, uh, please be honest With all the other answers

So that we can get an accurate Picture of you for the computer.

Now you see mrs. Blisswell Is feeding the information

To the computer from the Forms that you filled out.

You mean she's pooping Us through the machine?

Yes, that's what she's doing.

And all the data That you have supplied

Is being digested By the machine.

And in a matter of seconds, we will Have an electronic profile of you.

There you are, mrs. Douglas.

That's you.

How do you know it's Me and not my husband?

Pink, for a girl.

Blue, for a boy.

It doesn't have my name on it.

No, this is a code Number up here.

Your number is 722,

And yours is 723.

Then it does work.

We came out right Next to each other.

No, no, those are Just for our files,

No names, all numbers.

Uh, now then, if you'll, Uh, just follow me, please?

Now, this is our Match-and-mate machine.

Now, your card goes in here,

722, along with mr. 723.

Now what happens?

Now we turn on the machine.

Would you care to Try for 2 out of 3?

Lisa.

We are slots apart.

You must have put Them in upside down.

Try that again.

Why certainly. I'll make sure that This thing is operating correctly.

There you are.

You said this machine Never makes a mistake.

It doesn't.

Well, if it doesn't, Then we must have.

It was nice knowing you. Bye.

Lisa.

Uh, just a moment, sir.

You owe me $36.

For what? Breaking Up my marriage?

Lisa.

Lisa. Lisa, lisa, open the door.

I am sorry, 723,

But I can't allow any Strangers in my bedroom.

I'm not a stranger, I'm your husband.

Then why didn't we fall In the same slot together?

I don't know. Will you Forget that machine?

I thought you believed in them.

Well, I changed my mind.

Well, I changed mine.

According to the Machines, we're incomputible,

And we pooped out on different Electronicals. Good night.

Lisa! Lisa!

Well, that's a nice thing.

I come out here to make up with You and you're trying to hit me.

Oh, no, no, no, lisa, I wasn't Going to try to hit you.

Good night!

No, lisa. Ooh!

♪

Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas?

Ooh.

Oh, good morning, mr. Haney.

Pepperdink.

What?

Pepperdink.

What are you talking about?

How come you know The secret sign,

But you don't know the password?

Oh, oh, my nose. I...

Ah! The little Woman belt you one?

No. I bumped into a door.

Well, that ain't Original, but I'll accept it.

Mr. Haney, I'm in...

I was drawing Past here last night

And I heard somebody poundin' On the bedroom door, yellin',

"Lisa, lisa."

Was that you?

Of course it was me.

Had a little spat, huh?

Well, we...

Come with me, I'm the Answer to your problems.

Mr. Haney, I haven't Slept all night.

You will tonight.

We guarantee it.

Haney's apologizing service?

"We make up with your wife."

Mr. Haney, I don't need...

Mr. Douglas, most men are too Proud to apologize to their wives,

But not me. I do the Apologizin' for you.

And my fee depends on how Oily a job the husband requires.

Mr. Haney, I don't...

Now let's take a simple

You-spent-all-evening-looking-at-lottie-haskins-and-

You-didn't-look-at-me-once

Type of husband-wife spat.

Now, for $3, I show up

With this bouquet, which I Present to the aggrieved wife,

With the following apology:

"Honey, the reason that I was Looking at lottie instead of you is,

I just couldn't believe that She's that much uglier than you."

Oh, I can see how that Would get you off the hook.

'course, that's just A simple $3 argument.

Now, suppose your wife

Accuses you of Committin' a $7 offense.

A $7?

A red hair on your lapel.

I show up with flowers,

With candy,

And an irish setter Which is sheddin'.

And a humble apology for stayin' Out all night huntin' jackrabbits.

I must remember that one.

Oliver, where Were you last night?

Care to have me Answer that for you?

No, I don't.

If it's a blonde hair,

I've got a golden retriever

And a story about havin' Trouble with a game warden.

You locked the door. I slept on the sofa.

I unlocked it.

You did?

I was just teasing you.

I am sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Excuse me, uh, that'll be $6.

For what?

Reconciliation.

Another fightin' couple Brought together

By the "Haney Apologizin' company."

Mr. Haney...

Pepperdink.

Huh?

You wouldn't charge a fellow Lodge member, would you?

Pepperdink.

Darling, hmm.

I like to fight with you, It's such fun to make up.

Yeah, I guess it is.

You like to kiss me?

Hmm, sure.

Wait a minute. What's your number?

Will you forget those numbers?

Oh, boy, we're on the road To another good make-up.

Lisa,

I don't care what Any computer says.

You and I are made For each other.

You're the only man for me.

You're sure?

Positive.

Will you excuse me?

I'll mind your seat for you.

Yes? I'm 468.

You're what?

I'm looking for 722.

Oh! That's me.

We slotted out together.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Likewise.

Oh, I... I ho-hope you Don't like big weddings.

Uh, if you don't mind, 722 Is already married to me.

You mean, you married my number?

Look, mac, I had her Number long before you did.

Now, if you don't mind...

Just a second. You owe me $18.

What for?

Well, that's what it cost me to go Through the computer with this false alarm.

Please.

Don't shove. Beat it!

Oh, darling.

Oh.

Goodbye!

Now that shows how Wrong that machine is.

I would have never married A fellow who goes around

Punching my husband in the nose.

Thanks.

Now, where were we?

I was about to kiss you.

That's right.

Come in.

Howdy doody. I just came By to tell you the good news.

I heard from the computer And I'm getting married.

That's wonderful. Who is he?

They didn't tell me his Name, just his number.

723.

723? That's my number.

How did you get in the machine?

Well, I... You ought to Be ashamed of yourself.

A married man slotting Out with other women.

Look...

Fine thing. I get my Transistors all charged up

And it turns out to be you.

I'm sorry I disappointed you.

Wait a minute.

Would you ike to meet a nice tall, Strong fellow with a high number?

Well...

What else do you know about him?

Well, he's got a Beautiful right cross,

And if you hurry You can catch him.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes.

Ooh!

Darling, I'm sorry.

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.