Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Oliver!

What?

Would you help me?

Where are you?

In the dishwasher.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for my hand.

What? It got stuck. Could you help me?

Well, what did you...

What were you trying to do?

I don't remember.

Oh, for the...

We ought to do this more often.

Just hold still, will you?

I'm going to write to the Company and tell them

That we find togetherlessness In their dishwasher.

That'll boost their morale.

It's already boosting mine.

You haven't talked To me in weeks.

Well, I've been busy.

You always had Time to talk to me.

Lisa, look...

You don't love me anymore.

If I didn't love you, would I Be here in the dishwasher

Trying to help you Get your hand out?

That's true.

Now just pull, pull.

Well, no wonder you Couldn't get your hand out.

Why didn't you let Go of the plate?

Well, that's what I was looking for.

If that isn't the silliest...

You know, it's impossible to get Your hand stuck in the dishwasher.

They're foolproof. Only an idiot would...

Uh, lisa...

What?

I'm stuck. Help me.

Well, then let go of the plate.

I haven't got hold of a Plate. My hand's caught in...

Well, can't you pull it out?

No.

Good.

Now we can have a little talk.

Would you like to sit down?

How can I...

All right, what do You want to talk about?

Us.

2 little letters, which Means you and me.

When us were first married,

Us were very romantical.

My arm is going to sleep.

Be patient.

In those days, When you came home,

We used to sit Down and talk over

Everything what Happened during the day.

You'd tell me all you did,

And I'd tell you all the Mink coats I tried on.

Lisa, when I get My arm loose, I'm...

You'd better not wear this shirt Anymore. It's only got one arm.

Do you know where my ledger is?

What's that?

Well, it's a book about like so,

It's got a black cover.

What's the story about?

It's not that kind of a Book, it's got figures in it.

Oh.

It's that kind of a book.

No, not that kind Of figures, numbers.

Oh.

Is this it?

Oh, yes. That's it.

What did you put it there for?

To keep the shelf From falling down.

Oliver.

Hmm?

You busy? Mmm-hmm.

Then I don't suppose You want to play a game?

No.

You have your Choice of scribble,

Or cabbage.

Cabbage? You mean scrabbage.

Kimble, I mean.

How about the monotony?

Monotony?

You know, that's when you own park Avenue and I'm trying to buy it from you.

Lisa, I'm busy.

I'm trying to figure out whether or not We made any profit this year on the farm.

Oh. Did we?

I don't know.

If we did, what are you Going to do with the money?

I don't know yet.

I have a good idea.

Why don't you buy me a present?

I'll buy you a present if you Promise not to bother me anymore.

I promise.

What are you going to buy me?

I don't know.

How about a diamond?

No!

How about a mink coat?

I'm not going to buy You anything now

Because you broke your promise.

I'm sorry.

Now no more talking.

All right.

Do you want to dance?

No!

That wasn't talking.

Lisa...

Do you want me to Nibble on your ears?

That's not talking either.

Will you let me finish?

Well, when are you Going to talk to me?

Tomorrow! Oh.

Oliver.

Oliver.

It's tomorrow morning. What Are we going to talk about?

You woke me up to...

Lisa, I was up half the Night going over the books.

All right, let's Talk about that.

How did we do?

Well, as close as I can Figure, we showed a profit

Of $16.42.

For one day?

For the whole year.

$16.42 for a whole year?

Why, you used to tip the Hat-check girl more than that.

What hat-check girl?

You know, the one at 21 with The long legs and the short...

Oh, no, that's Not true. I never...

I never gave her more than $10.

Well, that isn't Enough for a mink coat.

I never promised Her a mink coat.

I mean the one you promised me.

Lisa, this is only Our first year.

At least we showed a profit.

Well, money isn't everything.

And $16.42 isn't anything.

Especially if you Don't talk to me.

Lisa, I got a good mind to...

Well, if you don't talk to me,

The least you could do is Let me help you with the farm.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to plow.

You want me to help you?

No, thanks.

Do you want me To split the money?

What money?

$16.42.

Half of it is mine under The community property.

I'll see that you Get your share.

Good.

Now, which field are We going to plow?

We are not going to plow.

Are we going to talk?

Lisa, what's the Matter with you?

Well, I haven't Got anything to do,

And I haven't got Anybody to talk to.

Well, why don't You take up a hobby?

Good idea.

Fine!

What about diamond cutting?

Diamond cutting?

Of course, first you have to get Me some big diamonds to practice on.

Haven't you got any Friends you can visit?

No.

What about the ladies in the

Every-other-wednesday Afternoon women's club?

Well, I don't go there anymore.

Why not?

Well, I missed one wednesday And I went the next wednesday,

And it wasn't the Every-other wednesday,

So there wasn't Anybody there and I

Couldn't find out when The next meeting was.

Maybe I can help you find out.

No, never mind.

I don't want to go there anyway.

They never put me on a Committee. They don't like me.

Why not?

I'm too tall.

That's no reason not to Put you on a committee.

Well, it must be Because I'm never on one.

Lisa. Yes, sir?

I've had about all of This silly prattle I can...

Well, just for that, I hope That that wheel will fall off.

Lisa!

I wasn't pointing on that one.

Ah, good morning, mr. Drucker.

Morning, mr. Douglas.

Can I interest you in a couple Of jars of pig knuckles?

Uh, no.

89 cents a jar, it comes to About 12.5 cents a knuckle.

I don't think so.

Thought you might Want to celebrate.

Celebrate what?

Well, it ain't every year a Man makes a profit of $16.42.

How do you know about that?

You don't keep big Money like that a secret.

No, I suppose not.

You don't seem very happy.

I'm having a few problems At home, you know?

Yeah, women sure Get bored, don't they?

How do things get Around so fast?

She ever think of Taking up a hobby?

Well, I discussed...

Here's something guaranteed To keep her fascinated for hours.

A genuine pocahontas bead loom.

With this, she can string anything From a headband to a pair of moccasins.

No, I don't think so.

How about this?

A portable still.

What?

For making her own perfume.

Oh, she's not very, uh...

She like games? I got a Nice assortment here.

How about a cabbage board?

Cabbage?

Uh, scribble?

Scribble?

Monotony?

No, uh, we... She has all those.

And she's bored?

Look, mr. Drucker, All I want is a bolt

For the wheel of my tractor.

Well, let me check. They might Have this up on the 5th floor.

Well, I hope so...

5th floor?

Morning, mr. Douglas. Mrs. Ziffel.

Arnold.

Where's sam?

Oh, he's up on the 5th...

He's, uh, he's looking For something for me.

Oh.

What are those?

Pig's knuckles.

Oh, I'm sorry, arnold. I... I'm Sure it's nobody you know.

How's mrs. Douglas?

Well, to tell you the Truth, she's a little bored.

Oh? How long have you Been living here now?

Over a year.

I don't blame her. I started getting Bored after I'd been here a week.

And I was born here.

If there was only something She could get interested in,

Some committee the women's Club might use her on, you know.

Oh, we got plenty of those:

The anti-crabgrass committee,

And the committee Against them miniskirts,

And the committee to investigate The friday night poker game.

No, no, none of those Sound like my wife.

Say, mrs. Douglas Likes animals, don't she?

Yeah, she's crazy about Minks and chinchillas.

I don't mean that, I mean just Plain, ordinary animals, like arnold.

Arnold, don't be so sensitive.

I was thinking, if She likes animals,

We could make her chairman Of the human committee.

The human committee?

Yeah, you know, where You can't kick dogs.

Oh, the humane committee.

Yeah, that's it. The Human humane committee.

We never had one of them.

Yeah, she might be interested.

But don't tell Her I suggested it.

It'll be our secret, Mr. Douglas.

Lisa.

Oliver. Oliver, Guess what happened.

I haven't any idea.

I give you a hint. It has Something to do with animals.

You joined the circus.

No.

Guess again. Animals.

You bought a gorilla?

No!

Guess who was made the head of the Hootersville human humane committee?

You?

Yes.

That's wonderful.

Do you know what the Human humane committee is?

No.

It's where you can't kick Dogs. That's what it is.

Oh, that sounds Fascinating. Congratulations.

Off!

Wait a minute.

Who are you saying "Off" to?

Mignon. I want to sit down And read my paper. Off.

Stay right there. What?

She was there first.

What's that got to do with it?

According to the laws of The human humane committee,

Animals have the same Rights as other people.

Where did you get that law?

I made it up. And I'm going To make up a few more.

It's about time that somebody Stood up for the animals.

A dog is a man's best friend.

But, it isn't enough to Say it, you got to show it.

Of all the...

How would it look for the husband of The head of the human humane committee

To be sitting in a chair

While that poor dog was Lying on the cold floor?

You're right.

It would look ridiculous.

That's a good dog.

Hello there, mr. Kiley.

Oh, hello, mrs. Douglas.

You want buy some eggs, huh?

No, thank you.

Everybody says my eggs is The best in the whole valley.

They're not your eggs.

They're not?

No. They belong to the chickens.

No, they don't. I just Took 'em away from 'em.

Well, you mustn't do that.

Well, I've been Doin' it for years.

Well, you'll have to stop.

I will?

Yes. It's against the law of the Hootersville human humane committee.

You see, taking a egg Away from a chicken

Is like taking a baby Away from its mother,

Except in a shell.

Doggone. I never Thought of it that way.

You just have to put them All back where you found them,

And I won't report You to anybody.

Thank you.

That's all right.

Good day.

All right, which one of you Mothers belongs to this?

Hello there, mr. Trendell.

Shh.

What song is that?

It's not a song. It's a duck call

To attract ducks.

Well, that's pretty sneaky,

Blowing that thing so some Duck will get all excited

Thinking he's going To meet a new duck.

Let him think what he wants.

All I want to do is get Him as close as I can,

So I can take a shot at him.

Stay away, it isn't a real duck!

Mrs. Douglas, please.

I am sorry. As the head of The human humane committee,

You can't do this anymore.

Well, I have a hunting license.

Run for your Lives, he's got a gun!

Oh, no!

You won't need this anymore.

Good day, mr. Trendell.

Oh. Morning, mrs. Douglas.

Hello there, mr. Drucker.

What were you doing?

I was setting a trap for that mouse That's been gettin' into my staples.

Oh, well, you mustn't do that.

What?

I'm sorry, but as head of The human humane committee,

I forbid it.

Well, it's only a mouse.

To you, it may be only a mouse,

But to another mouse, It might be his father.

Listen, he's eating me Out of house and home.

That's because he's hungry.

Now, why don't You give him this,

But not this.

Lisa!

Hello, there.

What the...

What the what the?

Lisa.

Isn't that a...

But he might, uh...

He promised he wouldn't.

You can't believe a... A...

Hey, get out! No, no, Get away, get away.

Stop yelling at him. He's in a state of shock.

He's in a state of shock?

His entire family was wiped Out in a calamity last november.

Lisa, where did you Get all these animals?

Mr. Haney brought them over When he found out about my job.

Haney.

How much did he charge you?

Nothing.

He did it out of the Goodness of his heart.

Ha!

He loves animals.

Come with me.

Please, get rid Of that. Come on.

There you are.

What's this?

I'm making hotcake Stew for the animals.

And you call yourself president Of the humane committee?

Howdy, mr. Douglas.

Mr. Haney.

Doggone, mr. Douglas, I gotta hand it to you.

It looks to me like You already have.

You are a kind man.

Sharin' your home with These needy little critters.

I am not sharing my home...

Before I forget it, I've got A little bill here for you.

A bill?

Damages.

Seems that some of these Poor, underprivileged critters

Got into my corn field and Just nibbled it all to pieces.

The destruction run into Millions of dollars, I'd say.

But seein' as how I am A human humane lover,

I'll be glad to Settle for $16.42.

$16.42.

That's more than most Farmers make in a year.

Out!

Mr. Douglas... Out!

And take your uncle with you!

Lisa.

Oliver, do you know what those Cats did with my hotcake stew?

They buried it in their sandbox.

They're smarter than they look.

Now, lisa, I want you to get All these animals out of here.

But, darling... No buts!

Out!

Oh!

Lisa!

What's the matter?

Where did this come from?

I don't remember. It's Been such a busy day.

Oh, for the...

Lisa.

Oh, oliver, get your Foot out of the bird-bath.

Bird bath?

If the birds want to take a Bath, let them take it outside.

Open the door. Open the door!

Morning, mrs. Douglas. Real nice day.

Or it will be as soon As it stops raining.

Mr. Kimball, I'm terribly Sorry. Let me get you a towel.

Oh, no, thank you, mr. Douglas.

All of us county agents Are required to be drip-dry.

Now, what is it you Want to see me about?

I didn't want to see you.

Then what did you Come over here for?

You came over here.

I did? Oh, that's right.

I came through a terrible Rain storm. Got all soaked.

You don't happen to Have a towel, do you?

I offered to get you one.

That's the only thing I Don't like about towels.

People are always offering to Get you one, but they never do.

Anyway, let's get down To the business at hand.

Well, not "At hand,"

More of "At chest."

Now, if you'll, Uh, just sign this.

Oh, no, no. I don't sign that.

Oh, sure you can. This Pen writes under water.

I don't sign anything Unless I know what it is.

Well, it's a petition to Do away with your wife.

What?

Oh, I don't mean get Rid of her, bang-bang,

Just sort of run her Out of town, quietly.

What for?

Well, everybody's up in arms over That human humane committee she runs.

What has she done specifically?

Well, to start with,

Animals.

She's bugging everybody about The way they treat their animals.

You know what she Did to newt kiley?

Put him out of the egg business.

She won't let him sell his eggs.

He has a hen sitting on A pile of eggs this high.

I don't understand.

The poor hen's a nervous wreck.

She's afraid of heights.

Mr. Kimball...

And you heard what She did to ben miller.

She slapped an Injunction on him.

To prevent him from spraying his Corn, to get rid of the corn borers.

Claimed he was Committing insecticide.

That's like a homicide, Only with insects.

Oh, for...

There was roy trendell.

She threw his new $20 16-gauge shotgun in the lake.

Or was it a $16 20-gauge shotgun?

Well, whatever it was,

Trendell was found wandering Through the woods in a state of shock.

She didn't say...

And then there was sam drucker.

He can't dial a telephone With this finger.

She snapped a trap on it.

And fred ziffel...

I've heard enough.

Oh, then sign here.

Look, I know my wife. Signing A petition won't do any good.

Well, what will?

I don't know. But I'll think of something. I've got a house full of animals.

Oh. Well, don't let me Keep you from your guests.

I'll see you.

Lisa!

Hi.

Where are you?

In here with the elephant.

The elephant?

Do you know where you Can get some peanuts?

Um, yeah, there's a Whole bowlful of them

In the saloon over At crabwell corners.

Lisa!

Now go back in the House with your friends.

What do you want, darling?

I want to show you something.

I bought a present For mrs. Ziffel,

And I want your opinion on it.

You bought this for mrs. Ziffel?

Uh-huh. Well, I... I Really bought it for you,

But it occurred to me That you can't accept it.

Why not?

Do you know what These are made of?

Minks.

And do you know what minks are?

They're little animals That run around.

They run around until Somebody catches them and goes...

And then they sew Them together in a coat,

And I just knew that the head of the Humane committee couldn't go walking around

In a coat made Of little animals...

Minks.

Well, that would be true

If I hadn't resigned as The head of the committee.

When did you do that?

When you said that you were Going to give the coat to mrs. Ziffel.

Just a second.

What about the animals in there?

I am going to find Them good homes.

When?

Tomorrow.

Well, mrs. Ziffel is Gonna love the coat.

She's gonna have A... Wait a minute.

Well, I don't really have To find them good homes.

They know where to Go after they lived here.

They wouldn't just Move in anywhere.

All right, everybody out.

Out. Come on, out.

Are they all out?

One more.

Ok, charlie.

Don't you dare.

Now can I get the coat?

No.

Oliver! It's not that easy.

Get out the cabbage Board. I'll play you for it.

You mean, if I win I get the coat?

Yes.

And if I don't win?

You'll probably get it anyway.

Oh.

Out!

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.