Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Ah, good morning, dear.

Good morning, darling.

Oh, hotcake batter?

No, I'm not making you Hotcakes this morning.

You're not?

I hope you're not Too disappointed.

Oh, a little bit, But I'll get over it.

Oh, I could whip you up some.

No, no, no. Just Go right ahead with

Whatever you're... What is that mess?

It's a surprise.

Uh-huh.

I wonder if I've paid up Our hospital insurance?

What brought that up?

Oh, I was just noticing That pile of, uh...

You have any Coffee? On the stove.

Thank you.

Lisa, wha...

Oh, it always does that When the coffee spills over.

I guess it also spilled over On the cups and saucers.

No, that's glue.

I did that to keep the Cup and saucer together.

So if you break the cup,

The saucer goes, too. Like that,

At the end of the day, it comes Out even with cups and saucers.

Oh, yeah, well, I guess That's a lot neater

Than having a lot of Odd cups and saucers.

Lisa,

Uh, I know you want To keep it a surprise,

But what are you doing?

I'm making you homemade bread.

Homemade bread?

Yes, I had a little trouble With the cookbook.

They didn't explain how to Put the bread in the wrapper,

But I figured that out.

You're gonna bake the Bread in the wrapper?

Of course. Did you know

That you can't buy Empty bread wrappers?

You can't?

No.

So I had to buy 10 of these With the bread in them.

What did you do with The loaves of bread?

Oh, I'm saving it To stuff a turkey.

Oh.

Do you know where we Can buy a 10-loaf turkey?

A 10...

Lisa, when are you going To learn how to cook right?

Stop yelling.

I have a right to yell.

This...

One morning you don't Get your hotcakes,

And you turn into be a beast.

That's not true.

I'm more of a beast When I get them.

Just for that. No Homemade bread.

Lisa. Lisa, wait a minute.

Lisa, where are you?

I'm not going to tell you.

Oh, boy.

Now what do you Think you're doing?

I'm going away.

Where?

Anywhere they Appreciate my cooking.

Well, you're in for A very long one...

Please, sit down. Look, I apologize.

It isn't that I don't appreciate What you're trying to do.

It's just that you don't Know what you're doing.

I'll take a trunk, too.

No, no, wait. No, no, no, No, no, wait, wait. Shh.

Now, lisa, when I married You, I knew you couldn't cook.

So you married me for my money.

You didn't have any money.

Well, you finally Threw that up to me.

I didn't marry you for your Cooking, or for your money.

Then why did you marry me?

I like girls.

Well, at least you're honest.

Lisa, the fact that You try to cook

Shows that you'd Like to be a good cook.

It's just that you have Nobody to teach you.

Well, who can do that?

Well, I-I'm sure they've got a domestic Science class at hooterville high.

Might be a good idea For you to look into that.

All right, if that's What you want.

It can't hurt. All right.

Oliver, I have a Confession to make.

When I was taking my suitcase, I wasn't really going to leave.

I just wanted to shake you up.

Well, I was real shook.

You were?

But not nearly as Much as when I saw you

Try to shove that dough Into the bread wrapper.

Oliver.

Take it easy, mac, I'm not finished yet.

Oh, are you all right?

Yes, ma'am, I'm fine.

Excuse me, could you tell me Where the headmaster's office is?

Huh? You know, the fellow That runs the school.

Oh, you mean the Principal, "Sourpuss."

Yeah, it's, uh, right Over there. Thank you.

That's ok.

Oh, good morning.

Are you the principal sourpuss?

My name is russell.

But one of the boys Said that your name...

Oh, one of the boys?

Do you remember which one?

No.

Well, won't you Sit down, mrs., uh...

Uh, douglas. Oliver Wendell douglas.

But everybody calls me lisa.

Do you have a son or Daughter in our school?

No.

Then how can I help you?

My husband wants me to take A course in domestic sinus.

Sinus? Science.

Well, whatever it is, As long as it's cooking.

Where do I go?

Well, you have to enroll first.

Well, how do you do that?

Just fill out one of these Applications. Your address, name, age...

Age?

Do you have one with Different questions?

Well, you can just Put down 21 plus.

I was going to put down minus.

Why don't you just answer the Questions as close as you can

And we'll see if we Can get you started.

I wonder if any Of the other kids

Get a kiss like this when They come home from school.

Well, I...

Maybe I'll come Earlier tomorrow.

Look, look, look. Maybe I won't even go.

Lisa, lisa, please.

What took you so long?

You were just Supposed to enroll.

I had to take an entrance exam For the domestic sinus class.

Oh, science.

Yes, I had to show them Everything I know how to cook.

You didn't make...

Yes, that's why I took so long.

They had to send up To the chemistry class

For something to take My batter off the girdle.

In other words, you Didn't get into the class.

Yes, only I have to Start from the beginning.

Well, I thought they'd put You back further than that.

Oliver,

A school child is supposed

To get encouragement From her parent,

Even if he is her husband.

I'm sorry. Uh, what Time is your class?

Which one?

Your domestic sinus... Uh, science class.

Oh, well, I've my Program right here.

It's at, uh, at 2:00, Right after algebra.

Algebra?

You're taking... Besides algebra,

I have chemistry, English literature,

Ancient history and lunch.

Lisa, what are you taking All those subjects for?

I have to carry At least 16 units.

Otherwise, I can be drafted.

Oh, a couple of years In the army might...

Lisa, drop those other subjects.

I can't.

You have to carry a full Program, otherwise you can't go.

Oh, all right. Well, just Concentrate on domestic science then.

Learn to cook as Quickly as you can.

So we won't have to eat Any more of those horrible...

Horrible what, harry?

Uh, uh, I didn't Mean it that way.

No, I meant so we wouldn't have to Force down any more of that soggy...

You did it again, humphrey.

Lisa, I...

Every time you open your mouth,

You put your foot into it.

Well, I've gotta eat something With some substance to it.

I'm getting beriberi.

Well, meyer.

If you're planning to show up With your cold feets tonight,

Forget it.

Lisa.

Lisa.

Oh, lisa.

Oh, lisa.

Just for that you can Iron your own mini blouse.

Oliver.

Oliver, get up.

Oh, lisa, lisa, please, You've been at it all night.

It was just a joke About the hotcake.

It's 6:00.6:00?

What are you doing up so early?

I have to go to school.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well I'll see you when You get back. Goodbye.

Lisa! Lisa!

You're making me seasick.

Oliver, you have to Drive me to school!

No, no, you can Take the car. It's...

Oh, you don't know how to drive.

I have to find Something to wear.

What about this one?

Yeah, that'd be fine

If you're attending A bartender's class.

Not this one. This one.

Great.

Do you think this is too Much to wear to high school?

No. They won't think it's real.

They'll think you got it Out of an iron claw machine.

What's that?

Well, it's a machine Where you put a dime in

And the iron claw goes...

You can't buy a ring Like this for a dime.

No, I didn't think you could.

My father laid out an awful Lot of drachmas for this.

Do you know how Much that is in money?

Hmm?

It was his class ring.

His class ring?

Mmm-hmm. He went to u.C.B.

University of California at budapest.

When the war started,

He smuggled it out In a jar of chicken fat.

That's why it slides Off and on so easy.

Lisa, it's... It's 6:00 In the morning.

I'm not in any mood for This nonsensical chatter.

Now get dressed or you'll Have to walk to school.

Well, meyer, guess whose feet Are going to be cold again tonight?

So my father

Put this in the Jar of chicken fat

So he could smuggle It by the nazis

Who were much more Interested in heiling

Than searching chicken fat.

Girls, will you please Take your seats now?

Oh, mrs. Hockmeister, I was just Showing them my chicken fat ring.

Some other time, mrs. Douglas.

Now, girls, all take Your seats, please.

This domestic science Course is very important,

So I want you to pay attention.

You'll find that in later years

When you're married, that The things you've learned here

Will be extremely valuable.

You've always heard that the way

To a man's heart is Through his stomach.

Yes.

There are other ways.

Mrs. Douglas.

Such as

Telling him that everything You buy is on sale,

Never using his razor,

And if he falls off his polo Pony, you mustn't laugh.

Because if you laugh, It doesn't matter

What good a cook you are...

Thank you, mrs. Douglas.

I'm sure the girls Will remember that.

You're welcome, Mrs. Hockmeister.

Now then.

Can I say just one more thing?

What?

The most important thing is To marry a man who loves you.

Because if he loves you,

You can get away with murder.

I don't know how to cook,

But mr. Douglas loves me,

And I have more diamonds Than any of my friends

Who are better cooks than I am.

Also emeralds.

Girls, will you please Open your books to page 7.

There are a few other Things about marriage

That they don't write About in cookbooks.

Mrs. Douglas!

What do you mean my wife Is a disrupting influence?

Well, for one thing that Big diamond your wife wears.

Oh, that's a family heirloom.

That's her father's class ring.

Class?

Well, it is kind Of crazy, but, uh...

Then the whole Family is kind of, uh...

They'd have to be to think Of smuggling a thing like that

In a jar of chicken fat.

Yes.

All right, I'll tell her Not to wear the ring.

Just a moment, please.

There are a few other things.

Oh?

Our students are here To listen to the teacher,

Not your wife regaling them

With stories about your Inability to stay on a polo pony.

A polo...

Did she tell them About the time I fell off?

Yes, she did.

Mr. Douglas, your Wife also gave the girls

A brief discourse On married life.

Most of which had Nothing to do with cooking.

She didn't!

All in good taste,

Nothing the Superintendent of schools

Could take umbrage with, but...

I understand.

I'll have a talk with her.

Thank you.

Oliver, if you're Stopping here to smooch,

This is the wrong place.

We're not stopping to smooch.

All the other kids go Down the side road...

I don't care where The other kids go.

Neither do I.

Lisa, we're not gonna smooch, We're gonna talk about school.

Oh, it's father-son time.

It's husband-wife time.

Then we are going to smooch.

Now, for the first time Since we've been married,

I'm ashamed of you.

Oliver.

I am.

I've had to go to The principal's office

Because my wife Won't behave in class.

I'm sorry.

It's unfair to the Other children.

They come there to learn,

Not to hear you Tell wild stories

About me falling Off my polo pony.

I was going to bring your polo Mallet for show-and-tell time.

Show-and-tell?

Where you bring Something from home

And you show it to the other Kids and you tell them about it.

Lisa, just pay attention To the teacher.

Well, she was talking About marriage and cooking,

And I told her

That I don't know how to Cook, but you still like me.

Well, that's very...

Maybe I should take you For show-and-tell time.

I don't want ever to Have to school again.

Even if I forget My gym bloomers?

Not for any reason.

Well, you won't have to Come to school anymore.

Good.

Except to drive me And the other kids.

What other kids?

I got you into the car pool With the other mothers.

I'm not gonna Drive a bunch of...

Well, you only have To do it for one term,

Then the other Mothers take over.

All right, I'll do it.

But only as long as you promise To behave yourself in class.

All right, I promise. Good.

With an "H", with an h-o-o,

Hooterville, hooterville, Hooterville, go!

Yay!

Will you stop that racket!

Come on, now, Everybody out. Out!

Lisa, it was real nice of Your father to give us a ride.

I am not her father, I'm her...

Darling, don't forget To pick us up at 3:00.

What's the matter?

You've never seen a father Kiss her husband before?

I have to go. Goodbye, darling.

Mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas!

What's the matter?

I forgot my lunch! Thank you.

Goodbye.

Is your husband Always such a grouch?

No, he's just mad because he Had to go to the principal's office.

What a drip!

That's not a nice thing To say about the principal.

No, I mean your husband.

Oh, yes.

There's the 2nd bell.

Hey, what's your first class?

Chemistry.

My wife blew what window out?

The chemistry lab.

Was anybody hurt?

No, but there was a lot Of smoke and a lot of noise,

And, uh, the building hasn't smelled Too good for the last couple of hours.

That wasn't her fault.

She had no business Being in that class.

I'd like to meet the idiot

That suggested that She take chemistry.

How do you do?

How do you... You're the idiot.

I'm sorry.

How did it happen?

Well, your wife had A run in her stocking.

How did that blow The window out?

Calm down and I'll tell you.

See, she had a run in her Stocking and she wet her finger.

Boy who was next to her

Pouring nitric acid, looked over And poured it into the wrong test-tube.

You saw the window.

Why do you call me in?

Why not get that Kid's parents in

And ask him to Explain what he's doing

Looking at my wife's legs.

Mr. Douglas, have you forgotten

When you were 17?

When I was 17, I did...

Well, yes, I did.

Now don't you think It would be advisable

If you took your Wife out of school?

Absolutely not.

I'm a tax payer. I Pay school taxes.

If my wife wants to go to School, she has every right to.

Yes, she has, but...

Look, please,

I promise you, you'll have No more trouble with her.

Now, today we are going to examine The austro-hungarian monarchy.

I can help you with that, Because I come from hungary.

Most people don't know that

Because I don't speak With an accident anymore.

Mrs. Douglas, do you mind?

The austro-hungarian monarchy

Was ruled by the House of hapsburg.

The house...

It wasn't really a house,

It was a big castle On top of a hill.

The hapsburg house Refers to the hapsburg line.

And it was a pretty Good line, too.

My grandmother went Out with one of them,

And of all the fellows She ever went out with,

He was the only one she Ever had to pull the hatpin on.

Yes, well...

She stuck him in the carriage.

Oh, not his carriage, The horse's carriage.

What do you mean my wife was Rewriting the history of hungary?

Her facts didn't exactly Jibe with the teacher's.

Well, she comes from hungary.

Maybe she knows more About it than the teacher.

Oh, one of those.

Your child knows More than the teacher.

I am not her child. I... She... Well, she...

Mr. Douglas.

All right.

I'll have another talk with her.

So you know more than The history teacher?

Only about hungary.

Lisa.

Some of my best Friends are hungarian.

Including my mother.

Well, you won't have to Worry about this class anymore,

Because they've dropped you.

Good.

That'll give me time to take A course in driver's training.

Driver...

You mean with a car?

Yes, then when I get My driver's license,

You won't have to Car pool anymore.

Well, if you learn to Drive as well as cook,

Then this whole high school Thing would have been worthwhile.

Good.

Now can we smooch?

When you're a senior.

All right, fasten Your seat belt.

Now, uh, do you know How to start a car?

No.

Well, do you know what this is?

Well, it looks like a key,

But I bet it's a trick question.

No.

It's a key.

And it goes in right here.

And I all you have to do to Start the motor is to turn the key.

Oh, not yet.

First of all, do you Know what these are?

"P", "R", "N", "D", "L".

Oh, yes. That's a per-nern-dle.

My husband has a Per-nern-dle on his car, too.

Yes, every car should Have a per-nern-dle.

Now, the motor won't start Unless the indicator is at "P",

Which stands for "Park",

Or "N", which means "Neutral".

Can I use either? Yes, of course.

"P" or "N".

You know, that's why I Never learned how to drive.

You have to make So many decisions.

Well, let's try "N".

I like "P" better.

All right.

Uh, you can turn the key now.

Let go!

Won't the motor stop?

No.

Look,

When the motor starts, You release the key.

You didn't tell me that.

Well, I thought you'd Have sense enough to...

Can I call my husband and Tell him to come and watch me?

No, all we're gonna do Is drive around the block.

I hope.

Now, to put the car in Gear we move the arrow.

What arrow?

On the per-nern-dle!

Look, if you want to go forward,

Where would you Move the arrow to?

Forward. "F".

There is no "F".

Then we can't go forward.

We can if we put it on "D".

Forward doesn't Start with a "D".

All right. That's Right, it doesn't.

Look, we'll try backing up.

Now where would you Put the arrow to do that?

That's another one that's Going to be hard to do.

There is no "B" on here either.

Let's try "R" for reverse.

What direction is that?

Just a second.

We're gonna have to Back up to get out of here.

So we won't run into The girls' shower room.

So put the arrow next to "R".

Then look back to see That everything's clear.

Now slowly step on the gas.

She didn't!

She did.

Was she hurt?

Fortunately, nobody was hurt.

Thank goodness.

Mr. Douglas, I think we had Better sit down and talk.

Hello, dear.

Lisa.

That's a good-looking Outfit you're wearing.

Is it new?

Lisa.

Uh, I think... I think We'd better have to

Have a little talk.

Oh.

You heard about the Car in the shower room.

Yes.

You can't keep a thing Like that a secret.

No.

Lisa,

I just had a talk With the principal.

And you've been expelled.

And I've only been here 3 days.

Isn't that wonderful?

Expelled means kicked out.

Oh.

It's not wonderful.

No.

Well, I didn't fit in Here too well anyway.

A lot of the kids are Younger than I am.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I didn't learn How to cook for you.

I guess you're stuck With my hotcakes.

Oh, that's all right.

That way I'm the Only one in danger,

Not a whole school Full of innocent children.

Oliver, you're a brave man.

Well, let's go home.

You want me to drive you?

Come on.

Oh, oh. Wait a moment.

I have to clear out my locker.

I left my pompons in there.

Oh, well... Your pompons?

It was going to be a surprise,

But they made me the Cheerleader of the football team.

You're the, uh, "Rah, Rah, rah, sis, boom, bah"?

No, no. Ours goes this way.

With an "H", with An "H", with an o-o-o.

With a "T", with a "T", with an e-r-v.

Hootersville! Hootersville!

That's for me!

Well, like I always said, she Has a lot of betty boop in her.

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.