Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Darling. Darling, wake up.

What's the matter?

There's somebody Whistling up our pole.

It's probably a bird.

Wearing a brown suit?

Somebody's using our phone.

The monroe brothers were Supposed to fix this door!

Well, they're going to When they come today.

They better.

Mr. Haney!

Morning, mr. Douglas.

Did you see a pair of pliers?

Yeah, you dropped Them on my head!

Any idea where they bounced?

What are you doing up there?

Uh, disconnecting your phone.

Leave that alone! Come On, get down out of there!

Darling, who was it?

Oh! Hello, mr. Haney.

Good morning, mrs. Douglas.

What do you want For breakfast, darling?

Oh, anything at all.

She's not talking to you.

Darling, he can stay.

Thank you.

I'll cook some hotcakes.

On second thought, I just Remembered a previous appointment.

Uh, me, too.

You'll stay.

Where do you think you're going?

Oh.

My card.

Haney collection service?

Mr. Douglas,

You ain't paid your Phone bill in 3 months.

And the hooterville phone Company have turned it over to me

With orders to Collect or disconnect.

You are neither collecting Nor disconnecting.

A year ago the phone company Put a phone in my kitchen.

They're supposed to run a wire From the pole into the telephone,

And until they do I Am not paying the bill.

Mr. Douglas, I'm Surprised at you.

You don't look like The kind of man to me

That would raise a fuss About a paltry $928 phone bill.

It is not the money, It's the prin... $928?

The service costs $2.85 a month.

For 3 months that's...

Well, now, you made A few toll calls.

Oh, I did? To where?

Paris, france,

Rome, italy, vienna, austria.

I never called...

Oh, wait a minute.

Uh, lisa.

Yes, darling.

Did you call anyone in paris?

oui.

How about rome?

si.

Vienna?

ja.

I'll take a check as Long as it's certified.

You are not getting anything.

You tell the phone company that I Want that wire run into the house.

And if I don't get it, I'm Gonna take their case

Before the public Utilities commission

To see why a company That is run so inefficiently,

Should not have its Franchise revoked.

I'll give 'em your message.

Just before I snip the wire.

Off!

Mr. Douglas, I wish You wouldn't do that.

It ain't good for the dignity of The hooterville telephone company.

Or my pants, either.

Get off of my property!

The hooterville telephone...

Off!

And you tell that company, if They are looking for a fight,

I'm just the fellow That can give it to 'em!

Look, all those calls to Europe. Who did you call in paris?

Your mother in new york.

What?

But except it was a mistake. I had Trouble with the gidget dialing system.

Digit.

Oh, gidget, digit gadget.

Anyway, I dialed your Mother in new york,

And this woman answered And she said it was paris, france,

So I thought as long as I go that Far, I might as well talk to pierre.

Who's pierre?

The famous chef. Except he Wasn't there, he was in rome.

And you called rome?

si.

Lisa, 900...

Mornin'.

Breakfast ready? Yes.

Well, let's have the Hotcakes and get it over with.

We're not having any Hotcakes this morning.

No hotcakes?

I made something different.

Hey, wonderful.

Let's not go off half-cocked Till we get a look at it.

Knock it off. Anything's Better than the hotcakes.

Here we are.

Any hotcakes left Over from yesterday?

You don't like it?

I don't know. What is it?

Well, what does it look like?

It looks like a boa Constrictor with lumps.

That's the last time I ever Cook you a spanish omelet.

That's a spanish omelet?

si.

Can't you tell?

That is an onion, that is a Tomato, and that's a green pepper.

Lisa.

You're supposed to chop 'em up.

Well, pierre didn't tell me that When I finally talked to him in vienna.

Vienna!

ja.

Lisa, when are you Gonna learn to cook?

Don't yell at me.

I'm not yelling at you.

Sounds like yelling to me.

You stay outta this.

Now you're yelling at Eb. You yelled at mr. Haney.

Is that why he hit You in the nose?

I bumped into a pole.

Anyway, it's time I started Yelling around here.

I bought this place To do a little farming.

I spend my time tryin' to fix up The house, get the electricity on,

The water on, I never Have any time in the fields.

That's lucky for the fields.

Touche!

Don't you touche me.

6 months ago, I asked you To fix the roof on the barn.

You didn't tell me to do it. You told the monroe brothers.

Well, come on, ralph. Get out.

I'm not moving.

Ow!

Oh, there you are.

Uh-oh, it's the hothead.

It's 8:00.

Are you two planning on Doing only a half a day's work?

I'm ready, but ralph's Havin' a psychological crisis.

What's the matter with her?

She had a date with mr. Kimball, And he stood her up last night.

So he stood her up.

This is the 8th time.

That's all I need today, A crying lady carpenter.

We monroe's are very emotional.

Yeah, yes, I'm not Interested. Now, ralph.

Uh, we all have our Disappointments.

Now, a little work is gonna Take your mind off things.

Here, come on, get out.

Ooh!

Me, too.

Ooh, if there were any other Carpenters in hooterville.

Kinda gives us the upper hand.

There's nothing to Keep you from working.

I'll be lonesome by Myself. Cry a little.

Not you.

Darling, why did you hit ralph?

I didn't hit ralph.

I just told her she should get Out of the car and do a day's work.

I'm not gonna do it!

Oh, ralph, darling. What's The matter? Come out.

Men.

Oh, them.

They're always standing me up.

What's wrong with me?

Nobody wants me.

I'm never gonna get married.

Oh, now, that's silly.

Surely there'll be Somebody that'll marry you.

Would you marry me?

Well, uh...

See? I've lost another one.

If you had gotten to him First, you could have had him.

He was easy.

What do you mean I was easy?

I know why men don't want me.

They don't think Of me as a woman.

To other women, They sing love songs.

To me they sing, for He's a jolly good fellow.

There is nothing wrong with you

That a little work Wouldn't fix up.

There's nothing wrong with our Bedroom that a little work wouldn't fix.

Mrs. Douglas, if you could Show me how to be feminine,

I'd do anything.

Would you fix the bedroom?

Anything.

Show her how.

Uh, but don't take More than half an hour.

Ok, I think we better Start with the makeup first.

Oh, couldn't we start with The clothes? I like this one.

It doesn't match your eyes.

Matches one of 'em.

Stop it. Come on.

Now, we start with the Makeup. Come on, sit down.

Well, this we don't need.

And let's see.

Is there any hope?

Yeah, they're inventing New miracle drugs every day.

I'm gonna belt You right in the...

Don't let him upset You. Come on, sit down.

Alf, I think you Better wait outside.

What are you doing here? Aren't You supposed to be fixing the bedroom?

I've been evicted. Ralph's trying On some of your wife's dresses.

Oh, for the love of...

Mr. Douglas?

No, I'm the carpenter. That's mr. Douglas.

Yes, uh, something I can do for you?

Haney was right, you Do look like a sorehead.

I beg your pardon?

Well, you made such a Fuss, I had to leave my plowin'

And get all dressed Up to come over here.

Who are you?

I'm the chairman Of the board of the

Hooterville phone Company. My name is trendell.

Oh, well, hello.

Finally, we're getting Some action around here.

Well, I can't promise nothing.

You may have a Legitimate complaint.

Then again, you may Be another crackpot.

I have a legitimate Complaint. That!

Oh, you don't like the Color of the phone, uh?

Yes, I like the color...

How'd you wangle one of our pole Phones? We got a waiting line for them.

All I want from you is for you To get the phone inside the house.

Well, we don't put that Kind of a phone inside houses.

I've got a phone Inside the house.

Then what are you raising Such a ruckus about?

Come on, I'll show you.

You'd better not go In there, mr. Douglas.

Oh. Oh, yes, ralph is trying On some of my wife's dresses.

Ralph?

Uh, ralph monroe. The carpenter.

I thought he was the carpenter.

No, ralph's my brother.

My wife is trying to Make a lady out of him.

Uh, it, uh...

Mr. Kimball stood ralph up last night And ralph's been crying ever since.

Ple... Please, stay out of this.

Ralph is her brother, I Mean, uh, no, she's his, uh...

Come on, I'll show You the phone.

Finally gonna run a line from The telephone pole into the kitchen.

The man'll be here in a day Or two. We're making progress.

All we gotta do is Worry about the bedroom.

How are we doing with, Uh, with ralph? Where is she?

She's taking a bubble bath.

A bubble bath?

Well, beauty is skin-deep, And hers needed a few bubbles.

I thought all you Were gonna do is

Slap a little makeup On her, put a dress on...

Darling, there's more To being a woman than

Slapping on some makeup And putting on a dress.

I have to teach her How to walk, how to act.

So that mr. Kimball will Get attracted to her.

Couldn't you just spray Her with something?

Oliver!

Well, I want to get The bedroom finished.

How long is it going to take To get ralph into any kind of...

Let me put it another way.

Take an hour and a half.

Darling, ralph asked me To help her, and I'm going to.

And it's going to take a Little longer than I thought.

Now, do you mind if she Moves in for a couple of days?

All right, let her move in.

Oh, thank you.

I'll help you pack.

Pack?

Where am I going?

Darling, we only Have one bedroom,

So ralph has to Sleep with me and...

And you can sleep With eb above the barn.

I'm gonna sleep in The barn with eb?

Welcome aboard, Mr. Douglas. Yeah.

You can have that Side. Huh? Oh, thanks.

A couple of things I ought to tell you.

What... Ooh!

That's one of 'em.

That's the other thing I Wanted to tell you about.

Never turn your back on eloise.

Then get rid of her.

Get in your sleeping bag.

You wanna read?

No, I wanna go to sleep.

Turn out the light.

It's your turn.

What?

I sleep here all the Time. You just got here.

Mr. Douglas? Mr. Douglas?

Doggone, he sure Went to sleep fast.

Lisa? Lisa. I...

Shh. You're disturbing Ralph's beauty sleep.

She could sleep for 6 Years, it wouldn't make any...

Darling, what's the matter With you? You're so grumpy.

Didn't you sleep well?

I don't know, I was Unconscious most of the time.

What?

Oh, I bumped my head on the...

Oh, you poor darling.

Take a nice cold shower And you'll feel better.

Yes, I feel better already.

Hey, who's in here?

Me. I'm taking a bubble bath.

Is she gonna bubble everyday?

Mmm-hmm.

Go on, darling.

No, I am not going to Sleep up there again.

But it's only for A few more nights.

A few more nights?

All right, all right. Just one more night.

Good night.

Uh-uh-uh, up the ladder.

The least he could've done was Turn the light off before he left.

Ow! Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

Well, careful. I Think it's sprained.

I... I don't understand How you hurt your wrist,

When you fell on your head.

I didn't fall on my head.

Well, there's a Big bump up there.

That's from the first night.

Then you must be much More careful tonight.

Lisa, I have slept up There for the last night.

Look, all she wants is a Date with kimball, right?

Right.

All right. Tell Her she's got it.

I promise. I'll deliver Him to her personally.

But she isn't ready for him yet.

She's as ready As she'll ever be.

Just put her together in Some kind of a tidy package

That won't fall apart For a couple of hours

And let nature take its course.

Ahh! Ow!

Ah!

Mr. Douglas. This is a surprise.

Well, it's not Exactly a surprise.

Nobody sang happy Birthday or anything.

Well, mr. Kimball, I have a problem.

Yes, you do. There were 3 tomatoes on that chair.

What happened to 'em? No, that was yesterday.

Or was it an eggplant?

Mr. Kimball.

I need your help.

That's why I'm here.

It's a personal problem.

Oh.

How long you been drinking?

It's not a drinking problem.

Oh, well, I noticed That your nose was red

Oh, well, I... I Bumped into a pole.

How'd you hurt your wrist?

I rolled out of bed and fell Out of the loft in the barn.

And you don't think you Have a drinking problem?

I don't have a drinking problem!

Uh, look, let me Put it this way.

How would you like to Come to dinner tonight?

Oh, that's very nice of you.

Yeah, there's nothing Like a home-cooked meal.

And mrs. Douglas Is a wonderful...

Can I come over after dinner?

Ah, if it's the hotcakes You are worried about,

Mrs. Douglas has learned To cook something else.

What?

How does a spanish Omelet strike you?

Gee, I... I don't know, I've Never been struck with one.

Oh, you mean would I like a...

Oh, yes, uh, it's better Than going home for dinner.

You see, every night When I get there,

Ralph is waiting for me At the front gate and well,

Kinda kills my appetite.

Uh, shall we say 6:00?

6:00 would be fine. What night?

Tonight.

Oh, I better make A note of that.

Tonight.

Whose house? Oh, well, I suppose I'll find out when I get there.

Just to be on the safe Side, I'll pick you up.

There you are.

Now, open your eyes.

Both of them.

This one's stuck.

Well, give it a little push.

Oh, look at me.

I'm beautiful!

Well, we have to fix your hair, And... And get you a right dress.

You think hankie will like me?

Oh, of course he'll like you.

You think he'll propose to me?

Well, that's a different matter. For that we need another fellow.

But it's him I adore.

I know, but we need another Fellow for the come on.

I don't understand.

Well, you see, every man Wants what the other man has.

Now, if nobody wants you, Why should mr. Kimball?

But if there was another Man that wanted you,

Then he would want you, too, Because that's the way men work.

Oh, to make him jealous.

Well, that will be the Ideal way to catch him.

Yes, but where are we Going to find another man?

Oh, gosh! Is that hankie?

No-no, don't panic.

Yes?

I'm from the phone company. I'm here to run a line from...

Are you married? No, ma'am.

I have to put this line... Then you'll stay for dinner.

But I just came to put The... What's your name?

Tom blackwell, but I...

Give me your things, you can Wash up on the back porch.

Well, sir, come Right in, mr. Kimball.

Make yourself to home.

Anyway...

Uh, how do you do?

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, I'm tom blackwell.

Oh. I'm oliver douglas.

Oh, mr. Douglas. Your...

Hello, mr. Kimball.

How are you, mrs. Douglas?

I'm fine. Uh, have you Met mr. Blackwell?

Well, I've...

Mr. Blackwell, This is mr. Kimball.

And mr. Kimball, This is mr. Blackwell.

Dinner is ready.

Oh, after you, mr. Uh, uh...

Blackwell.

Who's that?

That's mr. Blackwell.

Oh, mr. Kimball, you sit there.

And mr. Blackwell, You sit there.

Oh, darling, you And I are eating out.

What? You and I...

Would you please Light the candles?

Would you mind telling me...

I can't see. Turn on the light.

Where did you come from?

I was hiding behind the door.

Say, have I...

Your voice sounds...

Howdy doody, hankie.

Oh, boy.

Tom, may I present your Girlfriend, miss monroe.

How do you do?

Uh, mrs. Douglas I...

Oh, she's your girlfriend.

Now, don't be Jealous, mr. Kimball.

Jealous?

Congratulations, old man.

Well, not congratulations.

Look, I just came to...

A-are you trying to make him...

Darling, uh, wait In the car outside.

Look. Look what your Boyfriend tom brought you.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Too bad she can't accept them,

Because she's Engaged to mr. Kimball

Engaged? Oh, congratulations.

Now you can finish the bedroom.

Engaged? Who's engaged?

I guess we are.

I thought you'd never ask me.

I never did.

At least I don't think I...

No, I didn't!

Sit down, mr. Kimball.

If you don't want to marry Her, mr. Blackwell will.

Won't you, mr. Blackwell?

Where did he go?

Where do you think he went?

Uh, gee, I'm sorry, but I have to be going, too.

I just remembered I, uh, have to Take my grandmother to a taxidermist.

Or is it my grandfather?

Well, whoever it Is. Uh, good night.

Mr. Kimball.

Now, look what you did.

I did?

Well, I told you She wasn't ready.

That she needed some more work.

Well, all right. Work on her.

But tonight I'm Sleeping in my own bed.

Ow!

Oliver, what happened?

Oh, darling. Darling, what Are you doing down here?

Oh, I tripped over This stupid tool kit.

Now, who left a thing Like that around here?

Uh, mr. Blackwell. There must Be some wire around here, too.

He was going to install the Phone from the pole to the kitchen.

He was from the phone...

He was going to put it...

Oh... Oh, mr. Blackwell! Mr. Blackwell!

Well,

Guess I'll just have to go through Life being a single lady carpenter.

Oh, no, you won't.

Yes, I will.

Well, thanks for all your help.

Here's your eyelashes.

And here's your dress.

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.