Original subtitles

♪ green acres is The place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

♪ new york is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you, But give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Oh, where are you Going all dressed up?

Uh, out to work In the cornfields.

But isn't that one Of your lawyer suits?

Yes, I'm expecting a client.

Oh, who?

I don't know,

Mr. Drucker said some Farmer named collins

Wants to talk to me About a legal matter.

Aren't you going To wait for him?

No, no. I've got work to do.

When he shows up, you Send him on up, yeah?

Uh, yes, chief.

What?

Isn't that what the Secretary calls the boss?

Yes, but...

Anything else, chief?

Uh, no.

Well, aren't you going To kiss me goodbye?

No, the boss doesn't Kiss the secretary.

His wife might not like it.

Oh, yeah, she would.

Oh, we'd better Be on the safe side.

I think I'm going to Look for another job.

Come in.

The door knob came off.

Oh, you better come around And climb in the window.

Hi, I'm looking for mr. Douglas.

Oh.

I'm mrs. Douglas.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to

Get you out of a sick bed.

Oh, I'm not sick.

Well, you see my Mother always wears

One of those when she's sick.

I got a green one for sick.

Uh, here's your door knob.

Oh, thank you.

Is your, uh, husband Around? Uh, he's expecting me.

To do what?

My name is amy collins.

Ah, you are the farmer.

He didn't say you were an amy.

He's out in the corn Fields, mrs. Collins.

Miss collins.

You're engaged?

No.

You got a steady boyfriend?

No. Where did you say I Could find your husband?

I don't think he's there.

If you don't mind,

I'd like to just go And look for him. Ok?

Mr. Douglas?

Oh, hello.

Hi, I'm amy collins.

Uh, amy co... Yes. Collins.

Yeah.

Oh, well, mr. Drucker said Some fellow wanted to, uh...

But he didn't say You were a... A... A...

And you certainly are.

Ahem.

Uh, how can I help you?

Well, I've been thinking about

Incorporating my farm.

I have a place at the Other end of the valley

And I thought that I might get

Some tax advantages doing that.

Well, mrs...

Miss collins.

Yes, it's possible that

There might be some Advantages to a corporation.

You see most of us around here Have rather small farms. And, uh...

How big is your place?

1,200 acres.

Well, 12...

1,200 acres?

I have an option On another 1,000.

Well, yes, yes, uh,

A corporation might Be advantageous to you.

Of course, I'd have to see The rest of your operation.

Why don't you come over and look At my books when you have the time?

I suppose you're busy right now.

Oh, well, uh, yes.

I'm just getting ready to pick.

Oh.

Here.

Look at that.

What happened to it?

Doesn't look like It did very well.

How much nitrogen have You been using in your soil?

Oh, it's nitrogen...

How have you been irrigating?

Irrigating?

Well, we've got this long Hose in my hired van that...

Oh. You're kidding?

Nobody would be silly Enough to water all this

With a garden hose. Come on.

They wouldn't?

No.

No, no, of course they wouldn't.

I mean, that would Be... That'd be silly.

Mr. Douglas, we gotta Get a longer hose

If we're gonna Water way out here.

Um, eb...

Uh, this is amy collins.

She has a large farm

On the other side of the valley.

Oh, need a foreman?

I'm afraid not.

How about a hired hand?

No.

Want to adopt a son?

Eb, why don't you Go water something?

Yes, I'd like to see your farm.

Anytime it's convenient for you.

How about this afternoon?

Eb.

This afternoon would be fine.

That's what I said.

Uh, perhaps I can give you

A few pointers on Growing some corn.

I'd appreciate that.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Eb!

You bubblehead!

That stupid eb. Got me all wet.

Here, do something With that, will you?

Uh, did you talk To mrs. Collins?

Miss collins.

Oh, you already found that out.

Uh, did she say why She needs a lawyer?

Yes. She wanted to talk to me

About incorporating.

Didn't you tell her you're Already incorporated?

Incorporating her farm.

Uh, did she say Who dyes her hair?

I didn't ask her.

All I know is that she Knows a lot about farming.

Well, I guess if you Are that plain-looking,

You've got to have Something to keep you busy.

Do I detect a note of jealousy?

Where?

I'm surprised at you.

Oh, I was just teasing.

Now why should I Be jealous of her?

You'll never see her again.

I'm going over there right now.

It won't take me 10 Minutes to get dressed.

No, no. I'm going by myself.

This is, uh, business.

Well, darling, don't stay long.

I'm cooking something Special for dinner.

Oh.

A hotcakes hash.

Hotcakes?

With the hotcakes you Wouldn't eat this morning.

I'll be home.

Oh, oliver.

Yeah?

Do you still want to go?

Well, I promised.

Oh, well, then, uh...

What's this?

I don't want you to go out

With a dirty wedding ring.

Well,

That's quite a Farm, miss collins.

I wish you'd call me amy.

All right, if you Call me oliver.

How about a cold drink, ollie?

Good. Please, please.

Would you like some cider?

Yes, thank you.

Uh, that corn,

I've never seen Anything quite like it.

Well, it's a new hybrid strain

I've been developing.

I'd be glad to give You some seed.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

6:00.

Oh, we didn't get a chance To talk any business.

We spent all our Time walking around.

Do you have to leave now?

Oh, yes, yes.

I promised my wife I'd be home for dinner.

Well, why don't you eat here?

You can call her.

No, no. She's cooking Something special...

The pot roast is Just about done.

Pot roast?

And new potatoes,

And homemade biscuits,

And apple pie.

Do you have a telephone?

Oliver?

You said you were Coming home for dinner.

Well, but lisa, I Spent all the time

Walking around looking At the farm with amy.

Oh.

It's amy now.

What happened to mrs. Collins?

Lisa, I promised amy, I'd Help her with the farm.

Uh, this is business.

Would you like Another drink, ollie?

Want another drink?

How many boozes Did you have, ollie?

Oh, this is not booze.

This is, uh, ci-ci-cider.

Would you like jam or Honey on your biscuits?

Oh, honey.

Yes, dear.

Uh, no, I was talking to amy.

First it was mrs. Collins,

Then amy, and... And now honey.

I just was telling her What I want on my biscuits.

Uh, listen, honey.

Who are you talking to now?

You.

It's a little difficult To tell from here.

Lisa, I'll be home As soon as I can.

Uh, what shall I do With the hotcakes hash?

We'll discuss that When I get home.

Aren't these darling?

Uh, yes, darling.

Who was that for?

Uh, amy.

Oh, that's right, it's her turn.

Lisa, I'll see you later.

Humph.

You should see the Corn she's growing.

Ears like that.

And she's got a whole New strain of wheat.

What did she wear for dinner?

I didn't notice.

I was too busy Talking about farming.

Where is your vest?

My vest...

Well, I must've Left it over there.

Ha-ha-ha. That's funny.

Well, it was warm, I took My coat and vest off.

It wasn't that warm here.

Oh, lisa.

You probably got overheated

From all the booze You were drinking.

It wasn't booze, it was cider.

Lisa, there's no Reason to be jealous.

I'm only interested In her as a farmer.

Wish I was like her.

You wouldn't look very Good in those tight pants.

I mean, I wish I Could farm like her.

You hungry?

I kept you some hotcakes hash.

Uh, no thanks. I had Dinner over there.

What did you have?

Well, pot roast,

New potatoes,

Hot biscuits with honey.

What else did you Have with honey?

For the last time,

All I'm interested in is what She knows about farming.

I know a little Bit about farming.

You?

If you come home for Dinner once in a while,

We could talk about it.

Tonight was the first night

I haven't come home for Dinner since we've been here.

Tonight was the night when I wanted to talk about it.

You wanna talk about it now?

No, I'm not in the mood.

Would you like to talk About it tomorrow night?

Well...

I'll invite amy over for dinner,

And the 3 of us can sit And talk about farming.

That's all right with me. Ollie.

Hello.

Oh, hello, mrs. Douglas. Come in, come in.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, would you mind Leaving the door open?

The chief is very narrow-minded.

Well, not narrow-minded, Slab-headed he is.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Uh, mr. Kimball,

I got a problem And I need your help.

Want me to get your Husband's vest back?

No, we're getting The vest back already.

Good.

Shows you how simple it Is to solve these problems

Just by talking them Out with someone.

The vest is not the problem.

Oh.

He left something else there?

No.

Well, you see the problem is,

Miss collins is Coming for dinner.

And we're going to Talk about farming,

And I don't know Anything about farming.

But I told oliver that I did.

Now, by the time she Gets there, I should.

Oh, I get the idea.

No, I don't get the idea.

What is the idea?

You've got to teach me

All about farming By 6:00, by dinner time.

Now, can you teach me?

Well, if we have till 6:00.

No, no, no. We Only have till 3:00.

Then I have to go to mrs. Ziffel

For my pot roast lesson.

Oh, mrs. Ziffel makes a Pretty good pot roast.

But if you want a great One, try amy collins.

I suppose your husband Told you about her pot roast.

Yes, he did.

Don't be angry with Me, mrs. Douglas.

Stronger men than he Have forgotten their vests

After one of her pot roasts.

Mr. Kimball, never Mind about the vest.

Will you teach me about farming?

Do you know anything About it at all?

Well, I know which is the Dirt and which is the barn.

Excellent.

You'd be surprised

How many people can't tell dirt.

What else would You like to know?

Well, h-how you plant things,

What makes them grow,

And... And all that Kind of things.

Well, I guess we'd Better take off our coats

And get to work.

Wonder where I left my vest.

Lisa.

It's almost 6:00. Aren't You dressed yet?

What is that?

My farm suit.

I want to make the Farm lady feel at home.

Well, it's very nice.

Oh, amy. Come right in.

Good evening, Ollie. Good evening.

Good evening, mrs. Douglas.

Uh, excuse me, I got to change.

Uh, I... I have been working Around the farm all day.

Oh, you look fine. I always Slop around my house.

Uh, here's your vest, ollie.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Some buttons were off, and I Sewed them back on for you.

Oh. Oh, now isn't That nice of amy?

Uh, speaking of farming,

Did you know that the lettuce is

An important vegetable In this country?

And that it exceeds all Other vegetable crop

Except potatoes and tomatoes?

Lisa.

And did you also know That the farm value

Of the lettuce crop Fluctuates between

$96 million in 1950

And $142 million in 1957?

No, I didn't.

Shall we go in for dinner?

Would you like to have Some more champagne?

No. No, thank you.

Now, what's over here Next to the apple orchard?

Now there, that's... That's a 100 acres of wheat.

But you know, next season I'm going to pull that out.

I'm gonna put in corn.

Hello.

Would you like to have Some more champagne?

No.

Well, if you're Going to put in corn,

You're gonna have To treat that soil.

That's right.

The soil has to Have the right p.H.

Yes, it... Mmm-hmm?

She's right.

The p.H. Indicates

Whether the soil Is acid or alcohol.

Now, to determine that, There are 2 methods.

No, actually there Are 3 methods,

But the 3rd method is Like the first method,

So we lump them together.

Lisa, it does not Make any sense.

You sound just like mr. Kimball.

Now I...

That's where you Were all afternoon.

Picking up some odd facts About farming from mr. Kimball.

Well, that lets the Air out of my balloon.

Got the hook-ups.

Lisa.

You are stoned.

Oliver, you are right.

Oh. Who hit me in the head?

Oliver, did you...

Oliver.

Oliver... Oh!

Don't yell.

That was me.

Oh.

The mail came.

dear wino...

Humph.

you were sleeping it off

and I didn't want To disturb you.

I've gone over to see amy.

Amy. Huh.

You would think At a time like this

He would stay with his wife.

take an aspirin.

if we don't have any,

mr. Drucker has A nice assortment.

And then what happened?

Well, as you know, he's Been seeing this other woman.

Here you are, doris. Your lima beans.

Are you sure those are the Fanciest kind you got, sam?

Yeah. Uh, fred's Gettin' pretty finicky.

Oh, it's not for fred.

It's for arnold.

Baby lima beans. Huh.

Well, he's got a very Sensitive stomach.

Doris, will you please Tell me what happened?

Oh, you won't believe it.

Oh, yes, I will. Tell me.

Well, as you know,

He's been goin' Over to her place

Every chance he gets.

Don't his wife know what He goes over there for?

Well, he tells her He goes on business.

Anyway, yesterday He had the nerve

To bring the other Woman over to his house.

He didn't.

He did.

And then do you know what?

He slipped a mickey In his wife's drink,

And she passed out cold.

So that's why I passed out.

And while the poor little thing

Was layin' there, They made plans

To run away together To south america.

South america.

And she's meetin' him

In front of the Bus depot tonight.

Well, if that's what he wants.

How could he do a Thing like that to her?

Do you think the Wife will find out?

I hope so.

I can't wait to see Tonight's episode.

I've got to watch that show.

What's the name of that again?

love is never a stranger.

It's arnold's favorite T.V. Show, too.

Where did he go?

Do you think he went Right to the bus depot?

I don't think so.

He wouldn't leave on A long trip like that

Without his toothbrush.

Oh, hi.

I was over at...

Well, if it isn't my old friend,

The mickey slipper.

What?

I told you he'd come Home for his toothbrush.

For my toothbrush?

Dad, you are a cad.

Don't call me dad.

Aren't you ashamed of Yourself doing this to mom?

To mom?

Maybe she ain't the Best cook in the world

And maybe she drinks A little too much,

But that's no reason To cast her aside

In her old age.

Whose side are you on?

What's he talking about?

As if you don't know.

You blackguard, you...

Wh-what's go...

You better hurry.

You might miss your Bus to south america.

Who said that I was...

Everybody knows, Including mrs. Ziffel.

She told everyone in the store

H-how you slipped Me a mickey so that

You and... And what's-her-name

Could take off for The wild blue yonder.

I don't know what you heard.

I always told you, if A time like this came,

I wouldn't stand in your way.

A time like what?

I better help you pack.

Lisa...

'evening, mr. Douglas.

Well, mrs. Ziffel.

Say, would you mind if I Watched your t.V. Tonight?

Mine's busted.

Oh, uh, I don't...

Listen, this is very important.

I don't want to miss tonight's Episode of love is never a stranger.

Well, I... I really...

You see, tonight this Married man is running away

To south america With this other woman.

But his wife doesn't know, Because he slipped her a mickey.

And when she was out cold, they Were planning to meet at the bus depot.

The bus depot? South america?

Is this what you Were talking about

At the store this afternoon?

Yeah.

Oh, well, um...

L-look, I hope you enjoy The show, mrs. Ziffel.

No, wait... Wait a Minute, mr. Douglas.

Oh, I'll be doggoned.

Maybe sam will let Me watch his set.

Well, hey, you haven't Started to pack my stuff yet?

Oliver, you don't Really have to go.

Oh, sure, sure.

I wouldn't want to get stuck

With 2 bus tickets To south america.

Or maybe even I could use them.

No, no. I don't think so.

I wouldn't want to Disappoint, uh, what's-her-name

And she's all packed.

She's got her Passport, the shots.

Well,

I guess there's nothing left For me to do but to pack you.

Well, I guess not.

Uh, would you Mind hurrying it up?

I wouldn't want to miss the Last bus to south america.

What do you want to take?

Oh, a pair of castanets, uh,

My xavier cugat rumba Shirt, and a pair of jodhpurs.

We'll probably do a Lot of llama riding.

Don't you want any Shirts or socks?

Oh, anything. You Know how to pack.

You've packed for me before.

Uh, I want to watch t.V.

Why, you're a pretty Cool customer

For a fellow that's trying To break up a happy marriage.

Could you hold it down?

I'd like to listen to the show.

and now for tonight's episode Of love is never a stranger,

brought to you by clurdo,

the wheat germ that fizzes.

Ever listened to this?

I'm not interested.

as you know, last night,

as they were celebrating Their wedding anniversary,

arthur slipped a mickey Into cynthia's champagne.

while cynthia was out cold,

arthur and gretchen Plotted to run away

to south america together.

South america?

Yeah, very popular Place to run away to.

What a coinci...

I wonder if they Are going by bus, too.

we take you now To the bus depot.

They are.

arthur is waiting For gretchen...

What did you do that for?

They might have been going On the same bus with me.

They are the ones mrs. Ziffel was talking about.

Uh-huh.

Well, it seems that One of us made a mistake.

Hmm, yes.

You did.

Well, I was hoping You didn't notice.

You see what jealousy does, It blinds you to the truth.

You get to believe in that Stuff you see on television.

Well, I... I guess I was foolish.

Stupid is the word.

Well, I like foolish better.

All right, you were foolish.

Well, how can I help Being jealous of you?

After all, I'm an Ordinary simple girl,

Lucky being married to Such a handsome, generous,

Clever, debonair, thoughtful...

Yes, I know.

I was also going to say

How nice you look In a bathing suit.

I'll concede that.

Lisa, marriage is based On trust and respect.

And if you don't have that, You don't have a marriage.

Don't you understand?

Yes, darling.

You know, the thing That hurts is that

You ever doubted Me in the first place.

I would never dream of running Away with another woman.

You know why?

Because they hit you pretty hard

With the community Property in this state.

I'm not talking about Community property.

I'm talking about love.

Now, isn't it possible that A man could meet a woman,

Fall in love with Her, and marry her,

And never want another Woman as long as he lived?

On what television Program did you see that?

the beverly hillbillies.

I'm talking about us.

I know, darling.

And I'm glad that you Don't want anybody else.

No, I don't.

You want to marry me again?

Mmm-hmm.

Oliver, I want you to know

That from now on I'm going to be

The best wife anyone ever had.

Oh.

You know what I'm going to Do for you tomorrow morning?

What?

I'm going down to the bus depot

And get your money Back for those tickets.

Lisa.

You want to take your vest off?

jewels designed by marvin hine.

this has been a filmways Presentation, darling.